


Together

by Lerena



Series: Listen to me [4]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Ableism, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Asexual Mike Hanlon, Autism, Eddie Kaspbrak is autistic, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Recovery, Richie Tozier Has ADHD, Richie Tozier's Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:29:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 48
Words: 225,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26044258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lerena/pseuds/Lerena
Summary: Eddie, Richie and Mike are now roommates. Starting a new life, they all find ways to adjust and adapt.Not every day is going to be easy and they still have a lot to deal with, but as long as they're together, everything will be okay.It's time for all of them to grow up and definitely leave behind the children they used to be. Together, they're ready for it.Written by an autistic author.
Relationships: Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Greta Keene/OC, Mike Hanlon & Eddie Kaspbrak, Mike Hanlon & Richie Tozier
Series: Listen to me [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1701829
Comments: 492
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone!
> 
> Welcome to the first chapter of this fanfic! Damn, it feels so weird to start again xD. I had a hard time leaving Love behind, I spent so much of my time on it. Anyway, new, fresh start! I hope you'll like it.
> 
> Thank you all for your support, your kind words and your kudos, it really made me feel emotional when I ended my third installment. I hope you'll be there for this one too.
> 
> With that said, here are the Trigger Warnings:
> 
> TW for mention of ableism
> 
> I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

They had a home. Their home. If Eddie had been told years ago that it would happen, he wouldn't have believed it. In fact, he would probably have been angry at the person who tried to make him think that it was possible. For so long, Eddie had never been able to think of a life without his mom by his side, keeping him infantilized and relying on her for pretty much everything. But now, it happened. Now, Eddie was living in his own flat, with his roommates. Just like a lot of other young adults.

Of course, Eddie wasn't quite like his peers, and he'd never be. It was something he came to accept more easily once he'd started to live with Richie and his parents, his disability never brushed off, but not overly dramatized either. They always knew him disabled, it hadn't changed because he had been diagnosed and still had to deal with the long-lasting effects of his mother's abuse. He was Eddie Kaspbrak, and nothing could change that.

But now, he had a chance to live on his own, to make of his existence what he wanted it to be. And even though he wasn't sure about his future, what he'd like to do or not, having this choice changed everything. He'll have the time to figure it out. The time and the means.

As much as Eddie was enthusiastic about it, the transition hasn't been without its bumps. They were all prepared for that, but still. It had been pretty hard to accept that he wouldn't have his movie nights with Maggie and Went as often as before. The couch they bought for their flat seemed empty without them sitting on it, without them available to cuddle and love. Eddie had cried this evening, when he realized what was missing. He spent the rest of it in Richie's arms, whining as soon as his boyfriend tried to step away.

But it progressively got easier to handle. They started to build new routines that Eddie could latch on, maintained the ones he had back at the Toziers' house, and still kept here. It was going to be fine. Everything was going to be fine. He wanted to believe it, because it was his first real chance at a life without an adult presence to watch over him. He was the adult here. He made his own decisions, even if they were bad, and no one could prevent him from doing so.

Eddie liked the weekly board games evening they organized, Mike, Richie, and him. Eddie was still a sore loser, pouting and protesting whenever he didn't win, trying to prove that Mike and Richie cheated, causing them to laugh and tease him relentlessly. They weren't coddling him, treating him as if he couldn't handle something as trivial as losing a game. No, they knew Eddie, and they treated like they would treat anyone else close to them. And Eddie truly appreciated it.

There was also their movie night, of course. Mike bought popcorn and Richie rented movies, always happy to extend Eddie's culture, given that he hadn't watched much content when he was younger, aside from the stuff his mom deemed acceptable for him. More than the movies, Eddie loved being squished between Mike and Richie, both of them keeping him in a warm and close embrace. He liked hearing Richie's constant Voices, Mike's genuine emotional reactions to everything that might happen in the movie, whether it was funny, tense, or sad. Eddie felt included.

He decided to be in charge of keeping their flat clean, a mission he took very seriously. Not one speck of dust here, and if something was displaced, Eddie was close by, ready to put it back where it belonged. Their apartment was spotless, and Eddie was pretty proud of this fact. Richie's parents could visit at any time, and they'd see how clean and well-maintained it was. Despite Richie's messy tendencies. Eddie compensated for them, fully aware of his boyfriend's flaws, but loving him anyway.

Mike was more organized, thankfully, and very keen on making their flat a nice place to live. It was well-decorated, reflecting their personalities, making it a home Eddie was happy to wake up in every morning. It was theirs. The only room Mike didn't touch was Eddie and Richie's bedroom. Helped by Maggie and Went, they tried their best for it to be as close as possible to the room they were sharing back at Richie's parents' house, and they managed to do so.

So much that Eddie actually got genuinely confused one morning when he woke up, still half-asleep, and proceeded to go to the bathroom, only to realize that it wasn't there it was supposed to be. Mike woke up to his distressed moans, Richie too profoundly asleep to hear them, and helped him clear his mind and remember where he was supposed to be.

But it helped, this familiar room. As much as he'd been distressed the first evening they spent here, Eddie felt reassured when he went to his bedroom with Richie, lying down next to him, cuddled and cared for. That wouldn't change. He would always sleep with Richie, enjoy the warm feeling of his tight hugs and hear his slow breathing and heartbeat whenever Richie fell asleep before him, and Eddie stuck his ear against his chest. It would always be the same, and Eddie was very happy about that.

Mike had to work, and Richie didn't have a job yet, which meant that he and Eddie pretty much spent their entire day together. Today, they would actually leave their flat, so that Richie could give his resume to various places and hope for the best. Eddie would lie if he said that he was hoping that Richie would find work soon. He liked it, being with his boyfriend all day. He kind of dreaded the day where he would find himself all alone, for pretty much the first time in many, many years. How was he going to handle it?

But now wasn't the time for that. First, Eddie had to get ready for their day. Richie lent him one of his oversized hoodies, while he was himself wearing a Hawaiian shirt over another colored top with long sleeves. Richie was a colored mess and, as much as Eddie rolled his eyes when he saw the clashing outfit his partner chose, he loved him just like that. At least, Eddie was pretty sure he would see from him miles away, if they were to lose each other. No way he would mistake him for someone else…

Eddie tied his shoes cautiously, the tip of his tongue poking out while he was focusing on the task. He used to do so in the stairs of their previous house, but, obviously, they didn't have any here. This simple change had been enough to confuse the hell out of him the first time, and he just stood there, looking at his feet, until Richie managed to think of a way for him to keep his previous routine pretty much the same.

Eddie now sat on a chair, his feet resting on a stool, recreating the feeling of tying his shoes on the stairs. And it helped. He managed to do so and grinned, while Richie was ruffling his hair tenderly. Things changed, but it wasn't all bad, and they found ways around it. Little by little, Eddie adjusted, got used to this new life and everything that it implied. He was happy.

Getting up from the chair, Eddie hugged Richie tightly, who hugged him back instantly, his gestures filled with love and affection. Winking at his boyfriend, he whispered to his ear:

"Can I have my good luck kiss now? Since I'm gonna miss your lips on mine while we're out..."

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly at Richie, while his boyfriend was attempting to look at him with puppy eyes. No, Eddie was definitely better than his partner when it came to this particular skill. Richie couldn't compete with him on that. He pretended to step back, earning the beginning of a protest from Richie, before Eddie cut it short, standing on the tip of his toes and kissing his boyfriend eagerly, as if his own life depended on it.

Richie tapped on his cheeks gently, and Eddie parted his lips, allowing for his tongue to look for his. Honestly, Eddie never thought he'd like kissing so much. It seemed disgusting, when he thought about it, and he was pretty sure that his younger self would have ranted for hours about how unsanitary it was, but he didn't care. It was Richie, Richie's mouth, Richie's lips, Richie's tongue, and all of that erased any doubt that Eddie might have about the whole thing.

When they parted, Eddie's breathing was slightly ragged, and his eyes were full of love and a glint of something else. Richie grinned at the sight, caressing Eddie's lips with his thumb, making him shiver slightly:

"Come on, you pervert. We're supposed to go out, not to copulate like horny rabbits."

" _Copulate. It definitely sounds sexy when you say it like this."_

Richie laughed at his quip, and Eddie did the same. He would never get tired of his ability to amuse Richie, it was one of the things he appreciated the most. Richie threw their backpack over his shoulder, adjusting his glasses before holding his hand out to Eddie:

"Shall we, my Lord?"

Eddie chuckled, taking Richie's hand and following him out of their flat. Once they left the building, Eddie took a deep breath. It was a very different feeling, exiting their house back in Derry and doing so here. Bangor was much, much more alive than Derry had ever been. There were always people around, living their own lives, doing their own stuff, without a care in the world. Eddie didn't have this feeling of being all alone, as he could have whenever he and Richie took a little stroll to see Mike at the library.

It was probably for the best. It just took him a while to adjust. Grabbing Richie's arm, he followed him closely, while his boyfriend was scouting the area, checking for places where they could hire someone like him. He put his resume pretty much everywhere he could think of. Supermarket, pubs, various stores, the movie theater, even the tea room they always went to. Unfortunately, they weren't looking to hire someone else for now, but it didn't deter Richie's good mood.

They decided to take a break here, in their favorite place. They got their spot, as usual, away from the rest of the customers, and the same waiter took care of them, making sure to talk directly to Eddie whenever he had something to ask him. Eddie really appreciated it. It made him feel valued. He existed.

Richie attacked his pie voraciously, while Eddie was slower in his bites, taking his time to appreciate what they ordered. He put his spoon down at some point, looking at Richie, who was still engulfed in his plate. As soon as he raised his head, he saw Eddie's heart eyes and smiled, wiping his chin with a paper napkin:

"Something to say, Eddie Spaghetti?"

" _You're gross. You're so gross."_

Despite his harsh words, Eddie was still looking at his boyfriend fondly. Yes, Richie could be pretty gross, there's no denying that. But Eddie came to appreciate it in some ways. Eddie's world had always been so clean and pristine, he definitely needed it to become a little messy. And Richie brought him that.

Spotting a crumb on Richie's cheek, Eddie reached out for it with his fingers and took it out, sliding it in his mouth. Richie blushed for a second, before chuckling instantly:

"You know that it's pretty disgusting too, right? Who knows what's been on my skin?"

" _Oh, I know very well what's been on your skin, Richie."_

Eddie licked his lips suggestively, Richie clearing his throat and squirming on his seat at the sight. Eddie laughed openly, reaching for Richie's knee under the table, squeezing it gently:

" _I'm glad to be here with you."_

Richie smiled at him, putting one of his hands under the table to touch Eddie's. Eddie appreciated the feeling. He'd spent every second of his life hand in hand with Richie if he could. Well, it might be quite impractical, and they'd have a lot of workarounds to do, but nonetheless, the idea was quite pleasant to think of.

"I'm happy too, Eddie. How does it feel, knowing that you're a big boy that answers to no one? Because, honestly, I was really nervous at first, but you helped me relax."

Eddie raised an eyebrow at Richie's words, confused. His boyfriend didn't seem to have trouble adjusting to their new life. If anything, he was almost more at ease than Mike, settling in this existence that was theirs now. Eddie thought he had been the only one who really had difficulties in transitioning, but it didn't seem to be the case.

" _I didn't notice it. I should have. I'm sorry."_

Richie shook his head at Eddie's words, caressing his hand:

"Don't say that. You had a lot to think about, you needed time to adjust, it's fine. Besides, I didn't want you to see that I wasn't handling it all as well as I could have."

" _Richie."_

Richie massaged his neck anxiously, a tight smile on his lips:

"I know, I know. I didn't lie to you, I just… I just keep it all for myself until now because I didn't want to bother you."

" _You telling me that you need my support will never bother me, Richie. You know it."_

Eddie's gaze was full of concern and affection, decided to show Richie that he wasn't angry. He just wished that his boyfriend would trust him with this kind of thing. That he would go to him and tell him whenever he felt down, so that Eddie could know for sure and try to be there in any way possible.

Eddie cursed himself for not being perceptive enough. He knew that it came with the territory and that his obliviousness was even more pronounced, given the various changes in his life and his need to adapt, but still. Richie deserved better from him.

Squeezing Eddie's hand, Richie let out a sigh, confessing to his boyfriend:

"I know, Eddie. And I know how good you are at making me feel better about pretty much everything. It's just hard to put myself in the role of the person that you're caring for. I feel like I shouldn't."

And that was the crux of the issue. Richie didn't want to be the one to be comforted. It would mean allowing himself to be vulnerable, and it didn't sit well with his personality. Eddie knew very well that his boyfriend would rather take care of him than to be the one Eddie cared for, but it didn't work like that. It couldn't work like that.

" _You're allowed to not always look happy and carefree, Richie. I know you'd prefer to joke and bury it all deep down, but it's not gonna help in the long term. Can you trust me to be there when you need me? Just like I trust you to be there when I need you."_

Richie bit his bottom lip. Eddie knew that he was probably thinking back to their night back at Disney World and how he pretty much exploded in tears and sobs, facing his fears and his self-hatred so brutally that he couldn't handle it. It had been painful to see and to hear, but Eddie had been there. Just like Richie supported him through his meltdowns, his regressive episodes, everything that made their life a bit more difficult than it usually was for everyone else.

Eddie needed to be on an equal footing with Richie, when it came to their relationship. It was the only way for them to make it work. And Richie knew it. He finally answered, caressing Eddie's hand with his long fingers:

"Yeah, I trust you. I'll try to get better at this whole "relying on you" thing. You're pretty good at spooning, after all."

Eddie chuckled, squeezing Richie's hand one last time before going back to eating what's on his plate, a smile on his lips:

" _I'm glad you agree. You're not bad at being spooned either. It's like we fit just perfectly."_

"Yeah, you're just the right amount of tiny, it couldn't be better."

Eddie raised his eyebrow at Richie's remark, pouting slightly:

" _I'm not tiny."_

"You are. My dear, precious, tiny angry gremlin..."

Eddie whined protestingly, trying to reach Richie's forehead across the table to flick it, only managing to put his hand in his boyfriend's plate when he missed his target. Grumbling, Eddie wiped his fingers, while Richie was smirking.

"Case in point."

Eddie stuck out his tongue at him, and Richie did the same, always happy to take part in the most childish parts of their relentless teasing. Eddie liked it too. He felt safe acting that way with Richie. He knew it wouldn't be used against him, to pretend he was younger mentally than he was physically.

Eddie could act silly, it didn't mean anything. He was just an adult, having fun with his boyfriend. Nothing to worry about. It wasn't something to fix, to try to erase. Eddie was definitely allowed to be puerile from times to times, just like Richie.

Taking a sip from his tea, Eddie's thoughts led him back to Mike. He hoped he was doing okay. It's been almost two weeks since they settled in their new flat and their friend already had a job at the local library. He was eager to prove himself worthy, and he always had something to tell them about whenever he came back home.

Eddie definitely felt happy seeing him so enthusiastic. He had been afraid that Mike might be triggered, going back to work in a library, but it didn't seem to be the case so far. Then again, Mike wasn't too keen on letting everyone else see his pain either, so how could he be sure?

Eddie didn't realize that he had pursed his lips almost angrily, deep in his thoughts. He was startled when he felt a finger against his cheek, suddenly stopped from zoning out. Richie was looking at him with a soft and tender gaze, a cheeky smile on his lips:

"See? I can reach you easily from my side of the table. Easy peasy."

Eddie sighed while Richie snickered, pretty proud of himself for always finding new ways to annoy his boyfriend. But he quickly went back to being serious, asking casually, with a hint of concern in his voice:

"Something on your mind, Eds?"

Eddie shrugged, typing on his lightwriter to answer him:

" _Not much. I was just thinking about Mike. I hope he's okay."_

"We could go to the library, if you want to. I bet he's already found himself a cute librarian seduced by his undeniable charm and that they're gonna have plenty of bookworm babies together."

" _His undeniable charm?"_

Richie cocked his eyebrow suggestively, always ready to go back to teasing Eddie whenever he could:

"Is that a hint of jealousy that I'm hearing? It's so obvious that even your robotic voice sounds jealous."

" _Nope. Definitely not. Mike is charming, after all. And his hugs are very nice too. I really like leaning against him during our movie nights."_

Eddie pretended to sigh dreamily, while Richie was openly pouting. He stabbed what was left of his pie a bit more aggressively than usual, grumbling audibly:

"Now, I'm the jealous one..."

Eddie laughed at his behavior, and Richie didn't keep it up for long, unable to pretend to be jealous of Eddie and Mike for too long. He loved his friend and his boyfriend so much. How could he even think such a thing of them? Richie would definitely be stupid. And Eddie would have every right to feel angry against him for that.

" _You're silly, Richie. I like it when you're silly."_

"Oh, really?" Richie grinned at Eddie's words. "Do you prefer it when I'm silly or gross?"

" _Definitely silly. But those are pretty much your two modes, silly and gross, so I'm used to it."_

Richie gasped theatrically at Eddie's words, putting the back of his hand over his forehead:

"Cruel! You're so undeniably cruel! How can you not see how amazing I am? I'm not just silly or gross!"

" _I know, silly. I know how amazing you are."_

Eddie wasn't joking, and Richie knew it. He lost his composure, blushing openly, massaging his neck in an awkward move. Eddie pouted shortly at the sight. If only Richie realized how great of a person he was… 

But Eddie wasn't really better when it came to that. Richie's compliments always made him blush and whine, and he definitely couldn't handle them, spending most of his time hiding his face in Richie's chest whenever he was complimenting him. They were both hopeless.

They spent the rest of their time there eating and drinking, in comfortable silence, allowing Eddie to rest a little. Eddie liked those moments too. They didn't feel the need to fill every second of their life together with mindless chatter. Sometimes, they just appreciated being together. They didn't need anything else.

After a while, Eddie was the one who broke the silence. Richie was sipping what was left of his tea when his partner typed on his lightwriter, the robotic voice saying out loud:

" _I'm gonna miss you once you start working."_

Richie put his glass down, letting out a sigh. He reached for Eddie's hand under the table, a soft smile on his lips:

"I know. I'm going to miss you too. But we need to have our own lives from times to times, you know it. It wouldn't be healthy to stay stuck to each other permanently."

" _I'm aware of that. Dr. Park told me so. It's just… I like it when you're here. And I don't know how I'll keep myself busy or find the courage to go out. And if I do, for what reason? What can I do out there, all alone?"_

Richie pondered on that for a while, before he finally answered, squeezing Eddie's hand:

"You could come here, of course. But there are plenty of other things to do in Bangor, it's not Derry. You could go to the library, I'm sure Mike would be happy to see you. There are museums, a movie theater, stores, parks… And when you feel more at ease, you could also take the bus to go to the nearest cities, have some fun."

Eddie nodded thoughtfully. There were plenty of things to do, for sure, but he would be alone. And Eddie wasn't used to it. When he was a kid, he was always with his mother. Then, at the Toziers' house, there was always someone, whether it was Went, Maggie, or Richie. And now…

" _I'm scared."_

Richie tightened his grip on Eddie's hand, showing him that he was there for him.

"We'll do that together first, Eds. And you know that you can always call me whenever you need it, right? No matter what, I'll be there for you. Even if I have to leave my workplace and pretty much quit on everything."

" _Don't, please. I don't want to cause you trouble. It's okay, I'll manage."_

Eddie was still feeling guilty about the fact that Richie quit his job at the video store for him. If he didn't come that day, it wouldn't have happened. He didn't want Richie to throw his life out of the window every time Eddie was slightly inconvenienced. It shouldn't be like that.

" _Besides, there's still this autism association I didn't go to yet. I want to give it a try."_

Richie nodded, caressing Eddie's skin gently:

"If you want to do that, then it's fine by me. As promised, I can come with you first."

" _I'd like that. I don't know what to expect."_

Richie sighed at his words, using his free hand to adjust his glasses:

"I don't know either, to be honest. It could be great. Or they could start treating you like you need to be fixed, and that'd be definitely wrong on their part. If that's the case, then we'll leave, and we won't come back. Simple enough. It's up to you."

Eddie always felt a lump in his throat whenever Richie reminded him that he had a choice. That he didn't have to accept everything passively. If he wasn't treated well, Eddie could say it and ask to leave. They would go. If he had fun, Eddie would be able to go back there as much as he wanted. He wouldn't have to force himself to handle it all. He wouldn't have to go through that ever again.

He still remembered his therapy sessions, how much he suffered trying to satisfy his mother and his therapist, who were meticulously taking away from him every shred of his will, molding him into an obedient doll to show off all around. How ashamed he felt that he was being congratulated again and again, simply because he put his finger on the red card or because he touched his nose. Their hands all over him, hearing them telling him that he was a good boy repeatedly, unable to escape their infantilization, their downright abuse…

"Eddie?"

Eddie raised his gaze towards Richie, mouth agape, thoughts swirling. He started to regress, and he was aware of it. He managed to type on his lightwriter, hands shaking slightly:

" _Home."_

Richie nodded, without any further questioning. He paid their tab and let Eddie grip him as his life depended on it, rushing to get him back to their flat. On their way home, Richie chattered about everything he could think of, so that Eddie wouldn't get stuck in his negative thoughts. It helped. Eddie still felt disconnected from reality, but Richie managed to make him laugh and smile. He didn't cry at all.

Finally back to their flat, Richie took care of Eddie, bringing him his plush, wrapping him in a blanket and sitting him on the couch, turning on the TV and putting on a movie Eddie had already watched, so that he could have something familiar to rely on. With that done, Richie sat next to Eddie, raising his arm so that his boyfriend could be curled up all against him.

Eddie sighed tiredly, nuzzling his face against Richie's chest. He typed clumsily on his lightwriter, the last words he uttered before getting silent, allowing himself to get engrossed in the movie and forget about his bad thoughts:

" _Thank you."_

Richie kissed his forehead, adjusting Eddie's position so that he would rest comfortably against him:

"Anytime, Eddie Spaghetti. Anytime."

They spent the rest of the afternoon watching movies, waiting for Mike to come back home. When he did, Eddie was content to listen to him silently, still too tired to answer back. But it was okay. 

They didn't try to force him to interact. Eddie could do whatever he felt was the best choice for him. He could remain quiet and listen to his friend, to his partner. They still acknowledged him, but they didn't try to coax him into talking. It was okay. They were together, and it was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for the first chapter! I wanted a soft start, so that you could see how their life is unraveling and how Eddie is feeling about all of that. I didn't want to start with angst and all, I like my characters to be happy too xD.
> 
> The autism association is gonna appear pretty soon, I have a few ideas about it, I hope you'll appreciate them. I also know what job Richie's going to get, I think you're gonna like it c:.
> 
> Anyway, thank you all for your support! Don't forget to subscribe to this work or the series to be warned whenever I'm uploading. You can also leave comments and/or kudos, I'm so impatient to see what you thought about this new installment!
> 
> Thanks again for reading and for being here. Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the second chapter of this installment! Not so long until the 100th chapter of this series, gosh xD. I never thought I'd write so much, thank you all for keeping me motivated and invested, it means the world!
> 
> I had a hard time coming up with this chapter, but knowing that you'll be there to read it, it really helped to get it done and, in the end, I'm quite satisfied c:. I hope you'll like it too!
> 
> Anyway, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for internalized homophobia  
> TW for homophobia  
> TW for homophobic slurs  
> TW for mention of self-harm  
> TW for self-harm
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Richie waved gently at Eddie, who did the same before closing the door on him, joining his therapist afterward. Richie smiled softly, stretching his arms before rushing down the stairs, almost falling down in the process. Eddie was seeing Dr. Park today, and, given how smaller their flat was, Richie couldn't really stay without risking overhearing something that Eddie might not be ready to share yet or wouldn't want at all. It was his privacy, and Richie respected it.

He hoped things would go well. They were probably going to work again on Eddie's relationship with his mom, and it was always taking a lot out of him. To be honest, Richie was getting himself ready to come back to a regressed Eddie. He knew that Dr. Park wouldn't leave him on his own if his boyfriend were in that state, and she was perfectly capable of caring for him in that state. He trusted her. He wanted to.

In the meantime, Richie had to keep himself busy. Sure, he could try to knock on a few doors, see if they had a job to offer, but honestly, he didn't have the motivation right now. He already gave his resume to quite a lot of establishments, if they needed him, they'd call. In the meantime, Richie just wanted to take a break. Stop stressing about that.

It was so weird, going out without Eddie by his side. The only times he didn't were when he was going to see his therapist, Liz, or pay a visit to the LGBT center. To be honest, he wasn't sure he liked being alone, with his thoughts as his sole company. The less he was lost in his head, the better he would feel. Taking a deep breath, he put his headphones over his ears, turning on his beloved tape player. He could probably buy something a bit more modern now, but he was attached to this device. It had a history.

Walking aimlessly, Richie was listening to _Take on me,_ mouthing the lyrics silently, trying to keep his thoughts away from Eddie. He couldn't help it. He just wanted to be sure that his boyfriend was okay, that he wasn't too upset, that he wasn't hurting himself… But Richie couldn't know that. And he shouldn't, not if Eddie didn't want him to know. He was with his trusted therapist, what happened there was Eddie's business, and if he wished to talk about it, Richie would listen to him gladly, but otherwise…

Richie had to keep himself busy. He needed to get a grip on his overbearing tendencies, and for that to happen, he needed to distract his mind and his Mother Hen instincts. Looking around him, he spotted something quite interesting, smiling at the sight. He had no idea that there was a video game arcade in Bangor…

Gosh, how long since he played Street Fighter II or Virtua Racing? Richie couldn't say. Last time, he went to an arcade, it was in Derry and… 

Richie grimaced at the memory. He definitely didn't need nor want to remember that. That dreadful day he played with Connor Bowers, and his cousin yelled at him because he was "acting too gay"… Richie had never been more ashamed or humiliated in his life, and he had never been able to take a step in this arcade, his palms getting sweaty and his heart beating too fast at the thought of doing so. 

And maybe, just maybe, he did have a slight crush on Connor at the time. The boy had been kind to him, and Richie definitely remembered blushing at the idea of how close they were while playing. Maybe he lingered slightly too much when he gave a high-five to Connor… Maybe. It just felt right, having fun with him, at the time. Then everything went to shit. Bowers screamed at his face that he was a fag and needed to go away, Connor took his cousin's side, and Richie had been humiliated. 

Richie was still shaking slightly, thinking about it. At the time, he had been angry against Connor Bowers to turn his back on him, but he couldn't pretend that he didn't understand him. He couldn't let his cousin know that he was gay. Henry Bowers would have killed him. Or tortured him. Who knew what he could actually do? He stabbed Eddie, after all…

Richie took a deep breath. It was over. All of that, it was behind him. Bowers couldn't hurt them anymore. And Richie wasn't so far in the closet as he used to be. He was out to his friends, to his parents, and he had a wonderful boyfriend. Someone who loved him unconditionally. Who wouldn't turn his back on him for his own safety. No, if anything, Eddie would probably sacrifice himself for Richie, something that Richie definitely didn't want to happen.

And yet, Richie still felt like that gangly teenager, quiet and ashamed by the fact that he was indeed a _fag,_ unable to retort a single thing to Henry Bowers, his trashmouth useless in this situation. He was right in front of the arcade, but he couldn't get himself to enter, gripping the door handle, letting it go immediately as if it burned him.

Come on, Richie… It's just a place filled with arcade games. Nothing to be afraid of. And yet… Yet… He took a step back, then another, rushing to a nearby bench to sit on it, his hands clenched into fists. Richie shook his legs nervously, trying to motivate himself to go back and fight his stupid, stupid brain who thought he was in danger and shouldn't go there. For fuck's sake… It used to be his favorite place, where he would hang whenever he could! He wasn't even in Derry, so why was he still…?

Richie hid his face in his shaky hands, focusing on his breathing. He couldn't do this on his own. He couldn't. He had been alone to face Bowers' hatred, running away from the shame and the disgust he felt towards himself. Richie couldn't tell his friends at the time, he thought they'd hate him. Or that they might misunderstand and try to reassure him, telling him that Bowers was spewing bullshit. Richie didn't need to hear the Losers saying again and again that he wasn't gay, when he very much was. 

But Richie wasn't alone anymore in his closet. He rummaged through his pockets, reaching for his phone. He didn't want to ask for help, but he knew he should. He promised Eddie he would stop trying to bury his feelings and would trust him to be there. Sure, his boyfriend was busy with his therapy session, but there was someone else nearby that Richie could call…

Letting out a deep sigh, Richie turned off his tape player, putting his headphones and his beloved device in his bag, before dialing Liz's number. Thankfully, she answered. Honestly, Richie wouldn't have known what to do if she didn't…

"Hey, Richie! How are you doing, kiddo?"

Richie chuckled at her nickname, a weak smile on his lips.

"I'm not a kid, Liz. Or maybe I should start calling you granny..."

"Don't you dare!"

She laughed, before asking with a gentle voice:

"Is everything okay?"

"Y… Yeah. Uh… I was wondering… you're free, right?"

Richie fidgeted with the straps of his bag, relieved when Liz told him that she was:

"Yep, free as a bird!"

"Oh, that's good. I… You see, I'm right in front of an arcade, and I was thinking..."

Richie was interrupted by Liz's squealing:

"Say no more! I'm coming to you immediately!"

She hung up immediately, before Richie could say anything else. Slightly stunned, he was startled when his phone rang again, answering it promptly:

"Yeah?"

"Uh… Where are you, exactly?"

Richie smiled, giving her a few pointers, before waiting for her to join him. He shook his legs slightly, raising his face towards the sunny sky and closing his eyes. She didn't even hesitate… Richie felt a bit guilty, knowing that she was coming without knowing why he felt the need to call her. But maybe he shouldn't be. He was going to have some mindless fun with Liz, and it would be for the best. Fuck Henry Bowers and everyone else.

A finger suddenly poked his cheek, and Richie let out a squeal, earning a laugh from Liz. 

"What are you doing? Getting powered by the sun or something? I didn't know you were some kind of plant."

Richie smiled, getting up and throwing his backpack over his shoulder:

"Yeah, I'm definitely a zucchini. I'm surprised you didn't know already..."

"I had my suspicions."

They both chuckled, before Liz opened her arms, hugging Richie tightly. He hugged her back, feeling relieved by the soft tenderness coming naturally from her. After a while, they both took a step back, Liz looking at the arcade, clearly visible from where they were standing:

"Man, I always dreamed of going to this place with a friend. And today, I'm finally able to fulfill this wish, thanks to you!"

Liz smiled widely, and Richie felt even more guilty than he already was. He bit his bottom lip, admitting in a hushed voice:

"I… uh… I couldn't go there all alone. I couldn't."

Liz raised an interrogative eyebrow, tilting her head slightly to the side. Richie smiled weakly, seeing her doing so. It reminded him of Eddie…

"Do you want to talk about it, Richie? Or do you want me to just go there with you, and we'll deal with it, whatever it is?"

God, Liz was the best. Richie didn't feel like telling her about his last terrible experience at the arcade, back in Derry, and how he was still deeply traumatized by that. Especially in a public setting where someone might overhear them…

"Just go there, I guess. I… Not really in the mood to talk about it."

Liz patted his shoulder gently, smiling at him:

"Fine by me. Come on, there are so many games I want to try! It's been so long since I went there, and I definitely never did so with a friend!"

She held out his hand to him, and he grabbed it, letting her lead him towards the arcade. She stopped nearby, giving him a look, waiting for his consent before proceeding. Richie was still nervous, but it was easier, knowing that he wouldn't be alone. That no matter what would happen, there would be someone there to stand up with him, if necessary. He nodded quietly, and she opened the door, allowing him to take his first step in the room.

Oh. It wasn't so bad. Before he could think more about it, Richie was already inside, his fingers tightened on Liz's hand, who was so excited that she was literally bouncing on her feet, her eyes darting everywhere. They bought a generous amount of tokens, Liz immediately running to a specific arcade game:

"Look, look, they have Dragon's Lair! I never passed the third level..."

Grinning proudly, Richie boasted, putting on a deliberately pretentious voice:

"You should know, milady, that I finished this game. Entirely."

Liz's eyes widened at his words, as if she couldn't quite believe him:

"No way. There's no fucking way you played this game until the end. How much did you spend to accomplish this feat?"

Richie cleared his throat, feeling slightly awkward to admit that he definitely spent too much to do so:

"My entire allowance for a year? Plus benefits?"

"Richie, seriously!" Liz laughed, poking his cheek tenderly. "What a waste of money."

"You say that, but I have the highest score on the machine in my old town, and there's definitely my name at the top. Well, not my full name. Ric. Couldn't put more letters."

Liz chuckled, before sliding a token in the designated slot, facing the arcade game:

"Okay, I'm starting, and then you'll show me how good you are, you big fat liar. No way you finished this game! No way!"

As soon as the game started, Liz focused back on it, while Richie was watching her, smiling fondly at her concentrated expression, laughing out loud while she was cursing the merciless game, barely managing to get through the first level and losing her last life, the character crushed by rubble. 

She showed Richie the middle finger, pouting overtly:

"Fuck this, fuck that, and fuck you! This game is a rip-off anyway, you can't win it. It's impossible!"

Richie smirked, pushing her slightly:

"My turn. Daddy's gonna show you how it's done!"

She groaned audibly at his words, hiding her face shortly behind her hands:

"Please, I'm begging you, never say that again."

Richie chuckled, putting his own token in the slot before he found himself engulfed in the game. He had to react fast, real fast, and the game wasn't telling him in any way what he was supposed to do, but Richie didn't need it. He remembered all of it well, hours obsessing over this beautiful, stupid arcade game, promising himself that he would get to the end. Even after all those years, Richie was far from being rusty, going through the first levels easily, not losing a single life.

Liz was watching him, enthralled, but Richie didn't look at her, even for a second. He had a game to win and one of the hardest he played, nonetheless! He wasn't going to let himself be distracted by his friend… Managing to survive through eight whole levels, Liz was cheering Richie on, and he couldn't help but think about Eddie. They never went to the arcade together. If anything, Richie was pretty sure that Eddie never played video games before. Sonia Kaspbrak wouldn't have allowed that.

He definitely had to bring him here… His mind focused on Eddie, Richie lost his rhythm, and his character died again and again, until he didn't have any more lives to spare. Richie swore out loud when he was unable to avoid a floating mace, meeting his unavoidable fate. Liz patted his shoulder gently, giving him a few words of encouragement:

"That was a pretty good run. I never went that far. And I definitely didn't see most of the levels you showed me there. Looks horrible."

"Yeah, it is. I thought my muscle memory might help me, but in the end, I was distracted by love!"

Richie put the back of his hand over his forehead, causing Liz to laugh at his antics. They took a step back from the arcade machine, his friend shaking her head in disbelief, a fond smile on her lips:

"You're so damn cute, sometimes. How can you be so damn cute?"

"It's a gift, my dear. But compared to me, Eds is definitely the cutest."

Richie smiled widely, and Liz rolled her eyes, a tender expression on her face. It felt so good, being able to talk about this with someone who wouldn't judge him, who could understand him. Especially in a place like this arcade… The last time he went to Derry's arcade, he had been shunned by pretty much everyone else there, and his internalized homophobia only became stronger in the process.

But here, he could talk about his boyfriend to Liz, and she didn't care. No one cared. The few people there were engrossed in their games, and they didn't listen to them. It was all for the best. 

Spotting a Street Fighter II machine, Richie dragged Liz towards it. She apparently never touched it before, waiting on someone to play with her endlessly. And now, Richie was there. He showed her the ropes, all too happy to get to share that with someone else, before picking a character that he was less familiar with, so that Liz could have her chances at winning against him. She immediately chose Chun-Li, and he picked Zangief. 

A cheeky grin on his lips, Richie glanced at Liz, already boasting:

"The winner is paying for the drinks. I hope you have enough money..."

"Fuck off, Richie. You're the one who's going to pay."

At first, he decided to go easy on her, but given how she kicked his butt when he did so, he became more serious after that, determined not to let her win the next round. He had his ego to boost, for fuck's sake! He yelled triumphantly when he won the second round, immediately teasing Liz afterward:

"Beginner's luck doesn't last, so it seems."

"Still one round to go, Richard. Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Richie laughed at the expression and at the sudden use of his full name, retorting immediately:

"Oh, trust me, they're going to hatch, Elizabeth!"

"Don't call me that!"

They both chuckled, but they focused back on the game quickly, decided not to let the other claim this victory. Richie was doing pretty good, and he thought that his success was assured, but he underestimated his friend, who leaned towards him and whispered to his ear:

"I bet Eddie's waiting for you on your bed, moaning for you to come back..."

Richie's mind immediately pictured the scene, and he went bright red, his fingers loosening up on the joystick. Liz took advantage of his distraction, quick to fight, and beat his character up. When it was all over, she literally jumped, screaming her joy:

"Yes, I knew it! I knew that I would beat you, fair and square."

Richie raised an eyebrow, adjusting his glasses:

"Fair and square? Really?"

As an answer, she stuck her tongue out at him. He couldn't help but smile, stroking her hair tenderly:

"Very mature."

"I'll act old when I feel old. Not the case right now. Anyway, I want my drink, right now! And you're paying!"

Richie shook his head, but he didn't try to escape his fate, walking to the drink dispenser. They ordered the same soda cans, toasting happily when they both got theirs. Liz suggested that they sat nearby to drink and get some rest after screaming and getting so agitated over pretty much nothing. Richie agreed, letting himself fall on the old couch, probably there since the arcade opened years ago.

"Damn, there's almost no one around. People don't come here so often now, that's a shame."

Liz nodded, taking a sip of her drink:

"Yep. Better to enjoy it while it lasts. You never know when it's gonna close."

They both fell into an uncomfortable silence at this point. Maybe it was the fact that it was one more thing that belonged to their childhood that would disappear? Richie was still struggling to grow up and, now that he managed to enter an arcade and to enjoy it again, he didn't want it to vanish so suddenly. It would be unfair… But life was mostly unfair, after all. Richie knew that very well.

Clearing his throat, he tried to break this heavy silence, asking Liz slightly awkwardly:

"Sooo… How are things going with Greta?"

Richie didn't know much, only that they saw each other again, after they met at his parents' house. Liz smiled a bit, a soft sigh sliding through her lips:

"Slowly. I was expecting it. She's starting to realize the nature of her feelings, but I think she has a hard time accepting them fully. Especially when there are people around. She let her hand lingered on mine last time we met, but she took it back as soon as a waiter arrived, and she didn't dare to touch me afterward."

Oh, how familiar it sounded… Richie remembered distinctly the day he refused to let Eddie hold his hand in public, taking it away from him. He had been so hurt by his careless choice… But Richie was too scared at the time. Too afraid to be seen for what he was. He still was, but he was getting better. And Eddie knew who he was and loved him nonetheless. Unconditionally.

"Are you okay? I mean… You must feel bummed out. I could try talking to her, maybe?"

Liz shook her head, a grateful smile on her lips:

"No, she might feel like you're trying to rush her, and it would only push her away. She needs to come to terms with her feelings at her own pace. Well, I'm here to help, of course."

Liz chuckled, fiddling with one of her leather bracelets. She glanced at Richie, before admitting with a shy voice:

"I think it could be serious. Maybe. I'd like it to be."

Liz was definitely red. Richie knew better than to tease her too much at this point, only poking at her cheek:

"Your face says it all."

She giggled, massaging her neck awkwardly:

"Gosh, I'm blushing like a teenager, right? I definitely am not one anymore, though."

"I'm not going to judge, I probably looked exactly like that when I talked about Eddie to you, before all of that."

Liz nodded, confirming Richie's words. She poked his face back, a cheeky grin on her lips:

"You're still like that. You're such a sap, it's unbelievable."

"Don't pretend you're not. I'm sure you have planned grand gestures for Greta when she'll finally admit that she loves you."

She shook her head vehemently, but Richie knew better than that. He never thought that, one day, he would talk about Greta's love life, especially to her potential girlfriend, but well, it definitely happened. Richie could only hope that they'd find their own happiness, just like he found his with Eddie. He wasn't sure what Liz saw in Greta, but he probably didn't know her as much as he thought…

When they finished drinking, they went back to playing a bit more, going from machine to machine, until Richie's phone vibrated. He took a step back from the game, not caring at all about the fact that it allowed Liz to win, reading the words on the screen. 

"Eddie's done, I have to go. Thanks for coming, Liz. It was great."

Liz grinned at him, pointing at the Dragon's Lair machine:

"I'm staying here a little bit longer. I definitely have to put my name above yours and outrank you."

"Good luck spending all of your money, then!"

Liz flicked him on the forehead as an answer, before hugging him and whispering to his ear, her voice slightly shaky:

"Thank you. You have no idea how long I dreamed for that to happen. Thank you so much."

Richie didn't know what to say. His throat closing up, he patted Liz's back awkwardly, unable to say another word. He saluted her once again, going back to his flat, his heart beating fast. Now that his mind was focused on Eddie, he couldn't help but worry. After all, the text came from his therapist and not him…

She was the one who greeted Richie at the door, looking tired, but smiling nonetheless. Richie noticed her right hand was bandaged and asked her with a concerned voice:

"Is everything okay? Did Eddie…?"

"It's fine. He panicked, and he bit me. Nothing I can't handle."

Her words didn't reassure Richie in the slightest. Eddie could get quite brutal whenever he was experiencing a meltdown, usually towards himself. He never saw him actually hurting someone else, not on purpose. He must have been so scared, so engulfed in his traumatic memories…

"You're sure? How is he? What happened?"

"He's currently asleep in your room. Our session was intense, but we progressed a lot. He was starting to come back from his episode when he dozed off, so I'm hoping that he will be completely out of it at this point. If he's not, make sure that his environment remains quiet and reassuring, and don't hesitate to call me if necessary. Don't panic and don't talk about his mother if you can avoid the subject. He needs to recover first."

God, what did they talk about for it to be so intense? Richie nodded, fidgeting nervously with his bag's straps. He barely waited for Dr. Park to leave, instantly rushing to their room. Eddie was still asleep, curled up on the bed, two fingers stuck between his lips, his other hand clutching his plush as if his life depended on it. He was letting out weird noises, his eyebrows furrowed, probably dreaming about whatever they might have talked about during this session. 

Sitting on the bed next to his boyfriend, Richie slowly got Eddie to rest against him, caressing his cheek as soon as he started to bite on his fingers. His jaw instantly relaxed at the touch, going back to sucking them. Richie kissed the top of his head, brushing his hair. Eddie's eyes started to flicker, his hazy gaze landing on Richie's free hand. With a sleepy moan, he took out his fingers from his mouth, grabbing Richie's and wrapping his lips around them, before drifting off to sleep again.

Too stunned to react, Richie melted once his mind caught up with his body, a tender smile on his face. He wouldn't move at all, even if it meant that he would ache everywhere for the rest of the week. 

Richie didn't know if he imagined it or if it was indeed the case, but Eddie seemed calmer, less expressive, now that he was stimming with his fingers. He hoped it was real. That he could bring that to his boyfriend. God, he must have been so stressed out, to bite Dr. Park's hand…

Richie always thought that he couldn't hate Sonia Kaspbrak more, and yet, she always found a way for him to resent her, deeper and deeper, day after day. If Hell was a thing, he hoped that she was rotting and burning there… She definitely would deserve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write Richie at the arcade for so long, I thought I wouldn't get to do it, but it happened :D. Next time, he'll bring Eddie along, they're definitely gonna have some fun xD. Eddie will be the sorest loser he ever been so far, for sure xD.  
> At least, Richie was able to distract himself and have fun with Liz. You'll see Eddie's therapy session during next chapter. I'm starting to think about it already, he still has a lot to work on, especially regarding to his mother.
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos, I'm really impatient to see what you thought about this chapter c:. Don't forget to subscribe to this story either, so that you'll be warned whenever I'll post a chapter :D.
> 
> Take care! Have a nice day and see you soon!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Here's the third chapter of this fanfic! I hope you'll like it! I had a really good time writing it, there were some things I wanted to write about for a while and I'm so happy I finally got to do it c:. 
> 
> Thank you for your support and your kind words! I'm glad to see you back, I hope you'll all be there like you were for the previous installments! You being there means so much to me!
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for mention of infantilization  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of ableism
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Eddie closed the door on Richie, resisting the need to hold him back. He knew that it would be best for them if Eddie could have his privacy while he was in therapy, but still… He kinda wanted Richie to stay right now, so that he would be able to hide in his arms and feel protected. Because he knew that, for this session, Dr. Park and he would go back to the subject he wanted to forget entirely: his mother.

These last few weeks, they mostly talked about moving out, how Eddie would handle it, about his future. He didn't want to go back to the past. If he could just bury it and never talk about it, Eddie would be just fine. But it didn't work that way. It would continue to eat him away, and Eddie was aware of it. It didn't make this exercise easier to accomplish…

Curling up on his bed, Eddie grabbed his stuffed animal, hugging it closely. He definitely needed his father's battered plush, right now. Eddie didn't feel very brave, at the moment… He started to chew on his stuffed bear's ear, while Dr. Park took place in front of him, sitting on a chair. They could have gone to the living room to talk, but Eddie felt better doing so in his room. Most of their sessions took place in his bedroom, back when he was living with the Toziers, so it seemed familiar and reassuring.

Dr. Park smiled gently at him, while Eddie was rocking slowly back and forth, trying to keep his anxiety at bay. She probably knew the answer already, but she still asked with a soft tone:

"Do you want to talk about your mother?"

Eddie shook his head, nuzzling his face against his stuffed bear. He didn't want to. He really didn't want to. But he still typed on his lightwriter, letting out a small noise:

" _No. But I have to. I want to get better. And that's how it's gonna happen."_

Dr. Park nodded, scribbling something on her notebook, presenting a kind face to Eddie. He really liked her. She always knew how to make him feel safe. She was nothing like the therapist he used to have, when he was still with his mom. He grimaced at the thought, wanting nothing more than to chase it away, but knowing that it would be useless.

"Is there something you'd like to talk about? Or do you want me to guide you?"

He couldn't get the memory of his old therapy sessions out of his head. Eddie definitely didn't feel ready to talk about that, but maybe it would never be the case. Perhaps he just needed a light push, so that it would feel easier afterward… Humming anxiously, he typed carefully on his lightwriter, wrapping his lips once again around his plush's ear:

" _I started to think about my ex-therapist. The sessions with my mother. Can't get it out of my head."_

Dr. Park seemed surprised for a second, but this expression didn't last on her face. She probably didn't expect him to talk about this so early. Eddie neither, to be honest. Rocking a bit more, he took his time before typing again:

" _It hurts, thinking about it. Hurts really bad."_

"It's perfectly normal. Those are painful memories. The therapy you went through was invasive, not adapted to your needs, and you never had a say in the matter. It wasn't about your well-being."

No, it definitely wasn't. It took him a long time to really understand it (and, more than that, accept it), but in the end, he finally got it. These therapy sessions, they were for his mom and his mom's sake only. They kept him compliant, docile, submissive. It allowed her to have total control over him, infantilize him and manipulate him with scattered praises and punishments.

" _Didn't like it. Didn't like it at all."_

"You'll never have to go through that, Edward. I promise. I'll never ask you to do something that you're not willing to accomplish, and you can always back down and stop whatever we're doing. Even this, right now. If you start to feel bad, if you need a break, just ask. You're in control of everything during our sessions."

Sometimes, it was still hard to believe. Eddie asked something, thinking that it wouldn't amount to anything, but it would, and he'd be surprised, as if he was expecting Dr. Park to dismiss it all, without a care in the world. But she gladly changed the subject, guided him through meditation techniques, or accepted to remain quiet, until Eddie felt ready to discuss again. He was truly in control.

Eddie didn't know where to start. Maybe from the beginning. This session was still deeply ingrained in his mind, a painful memory that he would relive from time to time, especially in his nightmares. He had felt so scared and humiliated… He couldn't forget it, even if he wanted to. Tightening his grip on his stuffed animal, Eddie hesitantly shared what was on his mind:

" _Mom was there for my sessions most of the time. During my first session, she was standing next to me. She would put her hands on my shoulders, on my knees, on my face, everywhere she could, so that I would be forced to focus on the situation, know that she was there. I thought she would protest when the therapist asked me to tap on a colored card. I really thought she would."_

But she didn't. His mother didn't want him to feel better, dealing with his disability. She didn't want him to have the tools to be more at ease with his autism and know how to fend for himself. No, she needed him to rely on her completely. And what better way for that to happen than convincing him that he was so utterly helpless that being able to tap on the right card meant that he was worthy of praise, for how good he had been?

Eddie shivered, thinking about their hands on his body, caressing him, brushing his skin, as if he was nothing more than a dog to praise for his obedience. Good boy. Good boy. Two words swirling in his head, again and again. Eddie bit his bottom lip, using his free hand to hit his forehead. His ex-therapist would have immediately forced his fingers still, telling him to have "quiet hands". But Dr. Park merely reminded him of his alternative way of stimming, so that he wouldn't hurt himself.

Closing his fist on his thumb multiple times, Eddie managed to focus back on the present and to discuss a bit more about his therapist and his mom:

" _But she didn't protest. She told me that I could do it, as if it was incredibly hard for me to accomplish. It wasn't. But I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to obey. I couldn't understand why they wanted me to do that. So I fought back, again and again."_

"There was no purpose to this exercise. Not for you, anyway. It wasn't meant to ground you, help you deal with your feelings, or communicate more easily. They just wanted you to obey."

Eddie nodded, his breathing slightly ragged. He should never have obeyed. He shouldn't have. If he just kept on fighting, maybe things would have been different. Perhaps he would have been back with Richie earlier. Maybe he wouldn't have to rely so much on him, Mike and his family…

" _My fault. I gave up. Got bored and tired, and my body ached, and I needed to go to the bathroom, and they didn't allow me. Was weak."_

Already, the words were starting to get complicated to pull out. Eddie's mouth was slightly agape, his gaze lost between his past and his present. He wasn't ready to talk about it. Too much. Too much. Dr. Park noticed it instantly, doing her best to ground him and prevent him from regressing back to the Eddie he had to be, when he was with his mom.

"It's not your fault, Edward." Dr. Park had held out her arms to Eddie, allowing him to grab her hands if he felt like it. She rarely initiated physical contact, unless it was utterly necessary. It was always Eddie's choice. "You did what you had to. Chances are you would have been hurt even more if you didn't comply. What happened is not your fault, and it'll never be. It's on your mother and the therapist she hired."

Eddie could feel the disdain dripping from Dr. Park's voice, mentioning her colleague. He focused on his breathing and the swinging motion she guided him into, allowing him to stim in a relaxing and peaceful way. After a while, he let go of her arms, typing on his lightwriter:

" _Can't talk about it anymore. Not ready."_

"It's okay. We can talk about whatever you want. Do you still want to talk about your mother or something else?"

Eddie hesitated for a split second, but he remained determined and answered quickly:

" _Mom. Want to talk about mom."_

Dr. Park nodded, offering him an encouraging smile. He closed his eyes for an instant, trying to find the right words for what he wanted to say. He finally typed, eyes downcast, his other arm hugging his teddy bear again:

" _Wanted her to love me. She would say it if I was doing what she wanted me to. Said she loved me and she was proud of me for being a good boy. I thought I only had her. Thought Richie and my friends forgot about me. She praised me when I stood still while she was dressing me up and washing me. Forgot I could do it all alone. Forgot tons of stuff."_

He forgot how to talk verbally, and he was pretty sure he'll never be able to do so again. He forgot that he had thoughts of his own and was allowed to have his own opinion. He couldn't remember how fierce he used to be, ready to take on the whole world if needed. He forgot that he wasn't a kid or a doll to show off, but a teenager, then an adult that had been abused continuously.

Eddie had to be reminded that he could shower on his own and put on his clothes too. At first, he merely complied and let his mother do it for him, but after a while, she convinced him that he never really knew how to do so. That he needed her at all times.

"You made so much progress since the first time we met, Edward. See how far you've already come? You're living with your friend and your partner in your flat. You managed to work for a while at a library. You went on a road trip for so many hours, and you had fun in a crowded and noisy theme park. All of this, it's on you and you only. You can be proud of yourself. You really can."

Yes, he did all of those things. But Eddie still wasn't freed from his mom's influence. On the contrary, he couldn't help but think too often about her. About how pissed off she would be if she saw him now, how he managed to find the strength to do some stuff because he knew she would disapprove, trying to imagine what she should say to him if she knew about his relationship with Richie… In the end, he was still caught in her trap, even if he stopped trying to be her docile son. She remained an important part of his daily life. Too important.

" _Think about her every day. What she would say and do. Can hear her voice and feel her arms around me. Feel her there with me."_

Eddie curled up even more, trying to make himself smaller than he already was. He slid his fingers between his lips, sucking on them nervously. It was scary to admit that she was taking so much place in his life. He felt crushed and smothered, unable to escape her, no matter what. 

"Your mother isn't there anymore, Edward. She only remains in your head and memories. It's easier said than done, but it's up to you to decide what to make of her. You're afraid of her, and she might seem like a terrifying bogeyman in your mind, but she was just like the rest of us, flawed, imperfect. She kept you compliant because she knew she would lose against you if you were to fight back. And you fought back."

He did. He did fight back and she… and she… Eddie shook his head, letting out a frustrated noise, and punched his leg violently. He didn't like this thought. He didn't like it at all.

"Edward, can you hear me? We can stop talking about it, if you want to. It's already a lot, you…"

Eddie whined out loud, gripping his head with his hands, pulling on his hair. He didn't want to think about it. It wasn't true. His mommy wasn't… She wasn't… He didn't… Eddie was unable to stop the thoughts assaulting his mind, the memories of this terrible, awful day, the last day he saw his mother. He pushed her and she… she…

Dr. Park tried to get his attention, but Eddie was too far gone. Only using one hand to do so, he managed to type on his lightwriter, pushing the keys again and again:

" _Not dead not dead not dead not dead not dead"_

His mommy wasn't dead. She was on the floor, and she was convulsing, but she wasn't dead. She couldn't be. He just pushed her. He didn't want to hurt her. He needed his mommy. 

His mommy couldn't be dead because she was his everything, and if she wasn't there, he was nothing. And he didn't feel like nothing, but maybe he was. No, he wasn't, because his mommy was alive and she loved him, and she loved her good boy, and he was a good boy and…

Dr. Park gently put her hand on his head, trying to get him to stop pulling on his hair, once she realized that he couldn't understand her for now. He yelled at the touch, because it wasn't his mommy's hand, because she was on the floor and they were trying to take him away, and he had to be with his mommy, he had to!

Eddie didn't quite realize that he just sunk his teeth into Dr. Park's flesh, biting so that she would let him go, hurting so that he would stay with his mommy, because she was still there and he needed her. He barely heard her scream, managing to pull out her hand, but he knew that he just did something wrong and winced, waiting to be hit. He had been bad. He needed to be good, a nice boy for his mommy.

But he was never punished for his terrible deeds. He could hear a soft voice talking to him, but he couldn't understand her. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. He needed his mommy. He needed her. Why was she on the floor? Where was she? She was alive, she had to be, where was she? He needed her. Did he do something wrong? Mommy! He wanted his mommy!

Eddie laid on his side, curled up on the bed. His hands tightened on his blanket, and he screamed and sobbed, trying to call for his mom, barely managing to enunciate the first syllable. "Mo" wasn't there. "Mo" didn't answer. "Mo" was on the floor, and she was convulsing, and she wasn't there anymore. Where was she? Where was his mommy? Why was he in the hospital? Why was he all alone?

Eddie's energy subsided after a while, only leaving him enough to cry silently and suck on his fingers, his facial expression confused and pained. He saw a hand, and he latched onto it, onto the person attached to it, grabbing her and hugging her tightly, climbing on her knees, calling her "Mo" again and again. He could feel that it wasn't her, she was definitely lighter and smaller than his mom, but he couldn't let go. He needed her. He needed his mommy.

Eddie felt her soft hands on his face at some point, pulling him slightly away so that he would look at her:

"I'm not your mom, Edward. I'm Dr. Nora Park, and I'm your therapist. You're in Bangor, at your apartment. You're safe."

"Mo!"

Eddie protested, but she repeated her words, again and again, until the truth sunk in. Until he started to see her for who she really was. Not his mommy. His therapist. The good one. He realized that he was hugging her and went back on the bed, blushing, his thoughts utterly confused. He thought he was hugging his mommy… He was, right?

"Mo?"

He tried to use his lightwriter, but he couldn't remember how to. Dr. Park noticed his old white slate on his desk and took it, along with its pen, giving it to Eddie. Slowly, Eddie started to write, having trouble forming the letters correctly:

_Mommy not there? Mommy where?_

"She's not there, Edward. She never was. It's just you and me, Dr. Nora Park."

She never was? But she had to! He… He… Unable to reconcile his thoughts with what his therapist told him, Eddie let out a frustrated whine, wiping his face with his hands in a quick and panicked motion. She had to be! She had to! He saw her, he heard her, she was there because she was always there, no matter what! They took him from her, but she was there, he knew it! She promised that she would always be here!

"Edward, I have a question for you. Can you answer me?"

Eddie grabbed his teddy bear again, munching on its ear, looking at Dr. Park with a confused gaze.

"Were you there when your mother was buried? Did you say goodbye to her?"

Eddie's eyes widened, his mouth agape. Even when he wasn't regressing, he never realized that he didn't go to her funeral. He was institutionalized when it happened, and they never allowed him out, until Richie and his parents got him back and took him home. He… He didn't… He never…

Dr. Park let out a soft sigh at his reaction. She had pulled out a tissue and kept it pressed over her hand. He could see the blood reddening it, and he felt awful. How could he have done that to her? But she seemed focused entirely on something else, rambling with a frustrated voice, so different from the gentle tone she usually had:

"I should have thought of it earlier. It seemed logical, when you think about it." Putting on a softer face, she used a kinder voice to talk directly to her patient. "Edward, you need to say goodbye to her. You need to go to her grave."

Saying goodbye? Eddie's lips quietly formed those words, as if he was hearing them for the first time in his life. As if they were just making sense. Saying goodbye to his mommy. Just like Bill said goodbye to Georgie. His little brother had a grave too, and he was dead, and Bill visited him and told him things he wanted to say to him. But Eddie never had that with his mom. Never.

Frowning, Eddie started to come back to his senses. The exhaustion left him feeling washed out, but he forced himself to remain awake, writing carefully on his board:

_Say goodbye to Mommy. Tell her things I want her to hear._

"Exactly. The last time you saw her, she was taken away, but you can't move on properly because she was never really dead to you. You need closure. You have so many things you never told her before and that you can say out loud now, because you're not scared anymore."

Maybe that's what he needed. Talking to his mommy one last time. For real, at her grave. Just like he said those nice things about Georgie. But he didn't think he would only have kind stuff to say to her. But at least, she would hear them, right?

Writing on his white slate, he showed it to his therapist, wiping his nose and sniffling:

_Going to help?_

"If you believe it does. I can't tell you how big of a step it would be in your recovery, but I think it's going to help, if you believe it."

He did. He said those words to Georgie, thinking he could hear them wherever he was. His mommy would listen to him too. She wouldn't be able to interrupt him, to shush him, to control him. She'll have to hear him, no matter what he's going to say to her.

Eddie yawned, rubbing his eyes. He was so, so tired… Dr. Park smiled at him, a warm and soft expression that he really liked to see. He smiled back clumsily, his face closer to a grimace than anything else. She helped him under his blanket, and he immediately shoved his fingers between his lips, hugging his teddy bear tightly with his other arm. Seeing her hand, he let out a worried whine, but Dr. Park shook her head:

"It's fine, it doesn't hurt too much. You didn't mean it, it happens. We'll work together to make sure it won't happen again, alright?"

Eddie nodded sleepily, his eyelids fluttering. He didn't notice that his therapist was putting his lightwriter and his slate aside, so that he wouldn't crush them during his sleep or make them fall. He didn't see her bandaging her hand, texting Richie so that he would come home and allow her to leave. No, he didn't see any of that.

Eddie dreamed about his mom, but this time, he didn't feel small. No, he was strong and brave, and he wasn't scared of her anymore. He was going to tell her all of the things he had to keep quiet all this time, and she wouldn't be able to silence him anymore. Eddie was loud and chatty, and he had a lot to talk about. His mom would hear it all, and he'll let her go. For good.

A finger poked his cheek repeatedly. He grunted and whined, before he finally woke up, opening his eyes. It was Richie. Richie, who was looking at him with an enamored gaze, caressing his face. Eddie parted his lips, and he felt two fingers slipping away from his mouth. He instinctively tried to keep them in, without much success, moaning protestingly and sleepily.

Richie chuckled, kissing him on the forehead:

"You'll have them back tonight, if you want to. But now, we need to put some food in your stomach. You must be hungry."

Eddie shrugged, but he indeed started to feel quite hungry. He rubbed his eyes, still half-asleep, content to let Richie help him on his feet and guide him to the kitchen. Mike was there, reheating some pasta, smiling at Richie and Eddie when they joined him.

"Hi, Eddie. Glad to see you emerging."

Eddie nodded, throwing his head back to let out a noisy yawn, smacking his lips and resting against Richie. Mike laughed at the sight, putting all of their filled plates where they were supposed to be:

"Well, not quite awake, but we're getting there."

"Cut him some slack, Eddie spent the last hours working on my fingers, it's a very exhausting task. They're almost as big as my d..."

"Beep beep, Richie. We're about to eat."

Mike tried to have a stern tone, but he could barely hide his amused smile. Richie rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, answering with a "Yes, Daddy" that caused Mike to grimace, before leading Eddie to the sink so that they could both wash their hands. Once it was done, Eddie sat on his usual seat, right next to Richie.

He took his fork, having trouble closing his fingers around it. When it fell on his plate for the first time, Eddie whined out loud, grabbing Richie's sleeve with his other hand. His boyfriend looked at him for a second, before smiling and kissing him on the cheek:

"It's okay, take your time. We're not in a hurry. You can do it. I know you can."

Oh. He could do that. That was true. Now that Richie told him, he remembered it all. Eddie managed to use his fork, eating slowly what was on his plate, listening distractedly to Richie and Mike's discussion. Mike told them all about the last event in his library and how he had been praised for his reading, managing to capture the kids' fugitive attention. Richie congratulated him, and Eddie whined joyfully, happy for his friend. He deserved all the praise he was getting, definitely.

Richie talked about his day too, how he went to the arcade, playing with Liz, and having fun, just like when he was a kid. Eddie almost knocked his plate over when his boyfriend suggested to take him there real soon, flapping his hands and cooing enthusiastically. He never went to the arcade before, even though there was one in Derry. His mom thought he was too fragile for video games and that it was violent and stupid. Now, he could see that for himself with Richie!

After they all recounted their day, Eddie realized that he should probably try to say something, but he didn't know what to tell them. His memories of his therapy session were confusing, and he wasn't sure he wanted to share that with them, not right now. But there was something he could say, something he could ask. Bracing himself for a negative answer, Eddie typed carefully on his lightwriter, his heart beating too fast:

" _I want to go to my mom's grave. I have to say goodbye."_

Richie and Mike's smiles vanished from their faces, at Eddie's words. They glanced at each other, and Richie held Eddie's hand in his, squeezing it tightly. His voice was slightly shaky when he answered, definitely not what Eddie thought he would say:

"Sure, Eds. Whenever you want."

"I'll come too." Mike chimed in, a gentle but determined expression on his face. "I have a few choice words for her. More than a few, actually."

"Yeah, definitely. We're going together, Eddie. Us three."

They agreed with him. They didn't tell him that he wasn't ready, that it would hurt, that they didn't have the time for that, that he was stupid, that… No, of course, they didn't tell him that. He asked this favor to Mike and Richie. His friend and his boyfriend. His family. They always listened to him. They didn't dismiss his words immediately, as if they didn't have any worth or weight to them. And if they said no, it was never without a good discussion, a compromise, something to help Eddie understand and find the support and relief he needed.

It had always been like that. They weren't his mother. His mom was buried, and he was going to say goodbye to her with his family. Goodbye and a few more things… He definitely had some thoughts that he had to express, and they were not rated PG, for sure. Eddie smirked and laughed, thinking about his mom, unable to silence him.

Oh, he was absolutely going to tell her to fuck off! That and so, so many things he had been forced to keep under wraps… But not anymore. Never again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Eddie definitely needs some closure with his mom. It's not going to be a miracle solution, but some of his issues definitely stem from the traumatic last time he saw his mother. At least, he'll be able to wrap up some stuff and he's not going to be alone to do it c:. It's not gonna happen immediately, but I already have some stuff in mind c:.
> 
> Thank you for being there after all this time! Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos, I can't wait to see what you thought about this chapter. Don't forget to subscribe if you want to, so that you'll be informed whenever a new chapter is out.
> 
> Thanks again for your comments and your support. Take care! See you soon!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone, welcome to the 4th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you're doing fine! I'm rushing it up a bit because I'm in a train and I'm about to arrive and then I won't have the time to post this chapter before hours xD.
> 
> So thank you all for your support and for always being awesome! Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of ableism  
> TW for mention of infantilization
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Richie wasn't used to waking up all alone. Still sleepy, his eyes closed, he extended his arm, trying to touch his Eddie Spaghetti, but he only met the soft feeling of their sheets. Letting out a groan, Richie opened up his eyelids, but the blurry world he could perceive wasn't containing any Eddie in sight. Rubbing his eyes, he managed to grab his glasses, putting them on his nose after a short moment, looking around him. Nope, Eddie was definitely not there.

Eddie rarely left the bed without Richie. They had a routine, and his partner was quite rigid, not that Richie was complaining. He liked their rituals, they reminded him of the wonderful relationship they shared together. It was the perfect time for Richie to show how much he loved his boyfriend, taking care of him and allowing him to do the same.

Maybe he was in the bathroom? If that was the case, his boyfriend'd be back in a few minutes, perhaps even less. But he waited shortly, and Eddie still wasn't there. Richie yawned, internally complaining that he didn't have his morning hug, stretching his gangly limbs and leaving the bed. Eddie probably wasn't far…

But Richie noticed immediately that his lightwriter wasn't there, as well as his plush. He raised an eyebrow at the thought. That was weird. It meant that Eddie didn't intend to go back to their room quite soon. So he must be somewhere in their flat. Weird. Definitely weird. Richie prepared himself to leave their bedroom, his heart beating slightly too fast, his brain immediately launching him into anxiety mode. God, he hoped that Eddie wasn't hiding somewhere, crying and hitting himself…

Just in case, Richie gave a quick glance under their bed, but Eddie wasn't there. So, he probably didn't have a nightmare. Eddie rarely left their room when it was the case, and if he got too scared, he would definitely slide himself under the mattress, in an almost childish reflex. Richie wondered how many times he did so, when Eddie was still with his mother, and his throat closed up at the thought. Nope, not the moment!

Eddie wasn't in the bathroom. He wasn't in the living room or their kitchen either. But Mike was there, sipping on his coffee, waving at Richie as if there was nothing to worry about. Focused on Eddie and Eddie only, Richie didn't take the time to salute his friend, asking with a slightly stressed tone:

"Have you seen Eddie?"

Mike smiled gently, answering back without hurry, which only made Richie even more nervous:

"Hello to you too, Richie. And yes, I've seen Eddie. He left the flat a few minutes ago."

If Richie had been drinking something, he would have probably spit it out from the sheer shock he was currently experiencing. His eyes widened, he clarified, thinking that he must have misheard Mike:

"What? Eddie's outside?"

He was hoping that Mike would tell him that he was still too sleepy, that Eddie was on the couch, in the bathroom, heck even in a cupboard at this rate, but definitely not what he just said. Mike was looking at him with his peaceful gaze, as if everything was perfectly normal and not at all worthy of the slightest hint of anxiety:

"Yes. Eddie's outside. He asked me to tell you that he'd be back really soon. He went to the bakery."

"All alone?"

Richie squeaked those words, unable to believe what just happened. Eddie left, and he didn't tell him. He was out there, without anyone to be there for him if needed. What if his lightwriter broke or was discharged? And if he had a meltdown, what would happen? People could be cruel. They could… They might…

Mike sighed, putting down his coffee cup and getting up to face Richie. His hands on his friend's shoulders, Mike proceeded to ground him, while Richie's Mother Hen instincts were getting out of control.

"The bakery is barely five minutes from there. We already went there a couple of times. Eddie has his cellphone, he would have texted me already if he had a problem. I'm guessing he's not the only customer there, so it's normal that it's taking him some time. You need to relax."

"Why didn't he tell me? Why so suddenly? If something happens to him, I..."

Mike shook his head, putting his hand over Richie's mouth. He was probably pissed off, if only slightly, because it wasn't how Mike would usually act. His patient demeanor seemed to have vanished, his hand pressed over Richie's lips, muffling his worries:

"Richie, listen to yourself. Eddie's not your kid. He's not helpless. He wanted to do that on his own, and he didn't tell you because he wanted to surprise you. He thought you'd be proud of him for what he did. If he could hear you right now, he'd be deeply hurt. Do you realize that?"

Richie went quiet at Mike's words. His first and immediate reflex had been to worry about Eddie, even before he knew that he left their flat. Thinking that he might need his help, that he was suffering somewhere, and that he needed his partner to support him. Richie didn't imagine for a second that Eddie could take this initiative, deciding to go to the bakery on his own to buy them some pastries for their breakfast.

And he shouldn't think like that. Richie shouldn't immediately start to get anxious whenever Eddie wasn't there. Eddie had been brave enough to do this, when he probably never accomplished it before all alone, but if Richie persisted in thinking of him as more vulnerable than he was, than all of his efforts would be ruined.

Mike took off his hand, and Richie inhaled deeply, fidgeting with his glasses. Fuck, he was really the worst. He was supposed to encourage Eddie to progress towards autonomy, but instead, he was only slowing him down. Worse than that, he just… he just acted like his mother would have. Fussing over him, about to run after him, save him from a world that could be so brutal and cruel towards him… Richie couldn't become for Eddie what his mother was for him. Not after everything they went through.

"Better, Richie?"

Richie nodded silently, feeling awfully ashamed. He thought he was getting better at caring for Eddie just the right amount, but he instantly regressed to his overbearing tendencies as soon as Eddie decided to take another step forward without him by his side. God, Richie was the worst…

"I'm sorry, Mike. I… It's just weird. He's not there, you know?"

Mike offered him a compassionate smile, tapping his shoulder lightly:

"I get it, Richie. Really. Truth to be told, I was nervous too when he told me what he wanted to do. But if I stopped him, it would have meant that I didn't trust him, and Eddie doesn't need to hear that from me. And particularly from you."

Richie sighed, raising his glasses up to rub his eyes in a nervous motion.

"I know. And I trust him. It's just… fuck. I don't have any excuses. I'm a terrible person."

"You're not, Richie. And you're going to prove it by letting him come back without trying to call him or text him. Trust Eddie to contact you if he needs your help."

Richie grimaced. To be honest, it was what he intended to do, once he'd finish talking with Mike. He wouldn't have filled Eddie's mobile with worried texts and phone calls, no. He'd just send a text saying that he loved him. And that he hoped he was okay. And that he could tell him if he wasn't. Because Richie was awake and ready to leave their flat whenever… Fuck.

Richie took out his cellphone from his pocket, giving it to Mike.

"Can you take that away from me? I don't trust myself."

He expected Mike to do it without hesitation, but his friend didn't even lift a finger, shaking his head:

"I believe in you, Richie. You don't need to do that."

Richie groaned, putting his phone back in his pocket. It would have been way easier if Mike just accepted to take his cellphone until Eddie was back. But it was surely the point. If Richie couldn't even have his phone nearby without feeling compelled to call Eddie again and again, then he definitely had an issue.

Richie sighed, grabbing his mug:

"I need coffee. Definitely."

Mike chuckled at his words, sitting back and sipping on his lukewarm coffee. Richie joined him soon afterward, trying not to think too much about Eddie out there. Fortunately, Mike helped him to do so, indulging in small talk. Richie could never thank him enough for that…

"So, I've called Bill this morning. He told me he'd be happy to see us, whenever we'll visit Sonia's grave. He's already planning to show us around, take us to see some interesting sights and all."

Bill's apartment was the closest to the cemetery where Sonia Kaspbrak had been buried, slightly more than a year ago. Mike had suggested to stop by to see him and spend some time with their friend, and Richie was more than happy to agree with him. Eddie seemed just as enthusiastic as Richie was, excited at the prospect of seeing Bill again.

"That's good news, Mike. How was he feeling? Fine, I hope?"

Mike hesitated for a second, tapping his finger on his mug, before he finally answered:

"Oh, yes, he seemed okay. He talked a lot about his girlfriend. I think he'd like to bring her to our next Losers Club meeting."

"Audra, right? She and Patty should get along just fine. She'd probably be relieved to escape Bill's obsession towards his books for a moment..."

Bill clearly found his purpose when he started to write, and Richie couldn't wait to read his book. Their friend told them that it was ready and that he would send it to them very soon. Fuck, seeing William Denbrough on a book's cover, that was really cool! He was definitely going to put it on display in their flat. And he'd get a copy for his therapist. And Eddie. And Liz. And pretty much everyone he knew, so that they'd appreciate Bill's talent.

"Yeah, that's her name. Bill said she was really impatient to meet us. Honestly, he mostly talked about her during our whole conversation, I had a hard time getting him to tell me how he felt."

Richie grinned at Mike's words and tone, suggesting with a cheeky voice:

"If I didn't know you, Mikey Mike, I'd think you're jealous."

Mike put his cup down slightly too brutally, giving a quick glance at Richie. Richie raised an eyebrow at the sight, confused. He was only joking, but was it true? Was Mike jealous of Audra? He was about to press the issue when his friend answered, shaking his head:

"I'm not. I'm just preoccupied."

Richie wasn't so sure it was entirely true, but he decided to let it slide, asking him curiously:

"Why? Is there something wrong?"

"I don't know. It's just… I just have a feeling. I can't really explain it."

It definitely didn't answer Richie's question, and he was certain that there was more to it, but his train of thoughts suddenly changed tracks when he heard the front door opening. Richie immediately joined Eddie, who was holding a paper bag in his hands, filled with pastries. He put it aside, whining happily, hugging Richie. Richie hugged him back, caressing his hair, trying to set aside the deep feeling of relief that was washing over him. Eddie didn't need to see how worried he had been about him…

"Hello, Eds. Thanks for the pastries. It smells pretty good."

Eddie beamed at his words, hugging him even tighter, letting out a joyful hum. Mike was quick to join them, winking briefly at Richie before telling Eddie:

"We were waiting for you. I think Richie and I can definitely use another cup of coffee. Do you want one too?"

Eddie shook his head, pulling a disgusted face that made Richie laugh. No, Eddie had never been much of a coffee drinker. Too bitter for his taste. More for Richie and Mike, then! Holding his lightwriter, Eddie typed as an answer:

" _I don't like coffee. But I'd like chocolate, please."_

"I'm on it."

Mike went back to the kitchen, while Richie sat next to Eddie, who was slowly taking off his shoes and coat. He couldn't help but smile, noticing that his boyfriend took one of his hoodies to leave the flat, so that Richie would be there with him, in some way. Kissing Eddie on the temple, Richie let him know with a tender voice:

"I missed our hug this morning."

Eddie stopped focusing on his shoes, having already taken one off, raising his head to look at Richie. He pouted exaggeratedly, contradicting his partner's words immediately:

" _You didn't. I hugged you before I left the bed."_

"But I didn't remember it! I was sleeping!" Richie complained theatrically, all too happy to tease Eddie and play their usual game. Eddie rolled his eyes fondly, focusing back on his shoes:

" _Later. I need to take that off so that we can have our breakfast."_

"No, I need my hug!"

Richie proceeded to wrap his arms around Eddie's body, preventing him from taking off his shoes. Eddie whined protestingly, trying to get away from Richie's tight hug, managing to type on his lightwriter:

" _Not funny!"_

"I'm not joking, Eddie. I need my daily dose of morning cuddles. If I don't get them, I'll start to get really, really hungry, and I'm going to give morning hugs to pretty much everyone I'm coming across. I'm a vampire thirsty for cuddling, Eddie! Free me from my curse!"

Halfway through his speech, Richie had switched to one of his Voices, pretending to be Dracula. Eddie hadn't been able to resist for long, chuckling and laughing as soon as he put on this terrible accent, smiling widely. After a few seconds, Richie let him go, allowing Eddie to finish what he was doing. He seemed to be doing fine. Of course, he was. Richie should have known better and trust him immediately, instead of instantly letting his worries take the better of him.

Eddie's hand grabbed his, and Richie followed his boyfriend to their kitchen table, where Mike was waiting for them. Eddie proceeded to tell them about his little trip, how he managed to remember where the bakery was, and the script he prepared in his head to order what he wanted to bring back to their flat. The baker had been really nice, a bit curious, and definitely intrigued when Eddie pulled out his lightwriter, but otherwise, she didn't make any comment and treated him just like any other customer.

" _Then I left, and I came back here quickly, because I really wanted to share this breakfast with you. Some people looked at me because of my scar, but I ignored them. I didn't have anything to say to them, anyway."_

"That's probably for the best." Mike munched on his croissant, appreciating the taste. "They wouldn't have anything interesting to say, I bet. Who cares what they think?"

Eddie nodded, leaning slightly towards Richie, resting his head on his shoulder. Richie wiped his fingers, brushing Eddie's hair tenderly, telling him with a voice full of love and affection:

"Thank you, Eddie Spaghetti. It's the best breakfast I had in a while."

" _It's not much, just some pastries."_

"Yeah, but you're the one who went out to buy them. They're not just delicious, they have meaning."

Richie kissed Eddie on the top of his head, and Eddie blushed, letting out an embarrassed whine. He decided to keep for himself how worried he had been. Mike was right. Eddie needed a boyfriend who trusted him to do things on his own, not a substitute for his mother. Richie wouldn't be another Sonia Kaspbrak in Eddie's life. No, he wouldn't.

He listened to Mike and Eddie discussing the last book they read, remaining quiet for once. Richie was still feeling guilty. And slightly envious of Mike, who had been able to put his worries aside to show Eddie the trust he needed from him. What if Richie had been awake, and Eddie told him about his plan? How would he have reacted?

Richie doubted that he would have been able to show restrain, just like Mike did. He would have been worried, getting overtly overbearing, and Eddie would have been upset. Maybe they'd start to fight, or Eddie would have had a meltdown or something. Perhaps even a catatonic episode, forced to confront the idea that Richie didn't trust him… But he did. It was just hard to let him go. To think that he would come back on his own, that they wouldn't have another five years separating them, eating away Richie slowly but surely.

He definitely had to mention this episode to his therapist. Dr. Norton needed to know about his almost slip-up, even though Richie would rather bury it deep in his mind and never think about it again. That's not how he would deal with his issues, especially regarding Eddie and their relationship. If Richie wanted to be a good boyfriend for him, he needed to face his fears and the parts of him he hated so much, so that he would learn to either accept or deal with them. It was the less he could do for Eddie…

A finger poked his cheek gently. Richie stopped zoning out, coming back to reality, smiling at Eddie who was looking at him with concern:

"I'm fine, don't worry. I..."

Richie bit his bottom lip, admitting shamefully:

"I'm just trying not to be overbearing. I'm proud of you, Eds, really."

Eddie would have every right to be angry. To get upset and scream at him. Richie wouldn't blame him in the slightest. Instead, Eddie grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, caressing the skin with his thumb:

" _I was fine. I was a bit anxious, but it went well. If it didn't, I would have called you, and it wouldn't have been the world's end. I'd have tried another day again, that's all. You have to allow me the possibility to fail, Richie."_

Richie raised an eyebrow at Eddie's words, confused. If there was a way Richie didn't think his boyfriend would talk about it all, it was definitely this one. And he was right. Richie couldn't bear the idea of Eddie unable to overcome something. He didn't want to see him sad or, worst of all, to know that he had been devastated, and Richie hadn't been there to help.

But Richie couldn't always be by Eddie's side. Eddie needed to lead some of his battles all alone, and Richie had to accept that. No matter how painful this thought was. What if Eddie failed to buy those pastries? His partner was right, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Eddie would have called him, and Richie would have helped, simply enough. He'd bring him back home, and he would have gladly done everything he could to lift up his spirits. Just another day in their life. Nothing more.

Mike was looking at Richie pointedly, waiting for him to answer. Richie smiled at him, raising Eddie's hand to kiss his fingers. They were both right. And Richie was definitely lucky to have a partner and a friend so patient and understanding with him… He needed it, truly.

"I know, Eddie. I'm trusting you, I promise. I'm working on myself, and I swear I'll muzzle my Mother Hen instinct in the future. You can thank Mike for that, you avoided the worst of it."

Maybe he didn't need to say that out loud. But thankfully, Eddie merely rolled his eyes, flicking his forehead:

" _Believe in me. That's all I'm asking for. That and I definitely want to take a shower with you. I got too nervous, waiting in line, and I must be reeking."_

Richie chuckled, sniffing Eddie's hair, making excessive noises that pushed his boyfriend to yell in protest:

"Nope, still smell like my Eddie Spaghetti. Not a better perfume in this world. I should definitely commercialize it."

He sniffed him once again, causing Mike to sigh loudly and to interject:

"Some of us are trying to eat here. Can you please keep the sniffing to your room? Where I can't hear that noise?"

Eddie moaned approvingly, and Richie jumped on the occasion to tease him:

"What? So you're okay with me smelling you as long as it's in our bedroom? I didn't know you were so kinky, Eds."

Eddie merely groaned at his joke, pouting and munching angrily on his toast. Richie kissed him on the forehead, not insisting furthermore. It wasn't funny when Eddie was getting upset for real. Sometimes, Richie still had trouble not to toe the line, but he was doing his best. He didn't want to be mean. Not to Eddie or any of his friends. And he wasn't sure Eddie would beep beep him or stop him before it was already too late…

They finished their breakfast, making small talk about pretty much everything they could think of. Mike mentioned that he asked Bill to send him two books so that he could put one of his copies in the library he was working for. Of course, Richie couldn't resist…

"Bill has already a fanboy, it seems. And you didn't even read it yet! My, my, that's some devotion right there..."

Richie grinned, but he stopped when Eddie poked his ribs, letting out a strangled noise:

"What?"

Eddie sighed, typing on his lightwriter:

" _Stop it. You're annoying him."_

Richie was about to protest, but looking at Mike, he wasn't sure he really could. He did seem upset. He wasn't looking at them, merely glancing at his empty mug as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. Biting his bottom lip, Richie chose to apologize, not wanting to cause real harm to his friend:

"I'm sorry. I should have known when to stop. Is there something wrong? You know you can talk to us, right?"

Mike nodded, his gaze still fixated on the mug:

"I know, it's just… I have some things I need to think about first. It's a bit messy in my head, right now."

" _You'll feel better if you let it out! It's not good to keep things for yourself like that."_

Mike raised his head, smiling softly at Eddie. He parted his lips, closed them, sighed, before saying out loud:

"Not now. I'm not even sure I know what I should be talking about. I have things to figure out."

Richie didn't insist, asking Eddie if he wanted to shower with him as soon as he noticed that his boyfriend didn't get the hint and was going to assure Mike again that he could confide in them. Thankfully, Eddie agreed immediately, and Richie noticed the clear relief washing over Mike's face. 

He had a few ideas about what could upset him, but he knew better than to push the issue right now. If his most probable theory was correct, then Mike definitely needed to figure things out on his own first, Richie knew that very well. He'd be ready to listen to Mike whenever he'd want to confide in him. Or maybe he'd rather speak to Eddie. Richie wouldn't interfere if it was the case, although he would definitely be curious... 

Leading Eddie to the bathroom, grabbing clean clothes for them on the way, Richie kissed him on the lips, letting his boyfriend undress him carefully. He was incredibly cute, entirely focused on his task… Once he was finished, Richie did the same for him, deciding to be sincere with him:

"When we're back with Mike, we probably should not talk about what's happening with Bill, whatever it is."

Eddie tilted his head to the side, a slightly confused expression on his face. Once Richie finished taking off his shirt, Eddie typed on his lightwriter:

" _Why? He'd feel better if he talked, right? We could help."_

"He's not ready yet. If we insist too much, he's definitely not going to tell us. Worse, he might get seriously upset. I only saw Mike being angry a couple of times in my life, and it's definitely not something I want to witness again. So, let's chill, and he'll talk whenever he wants, alright?"

Eddie seemed hesitant. Richie nodded, encouraging him to share his thoughts, and he did:

" _But if you keep things inside, it's going to hurt. Dr. Park helps me to talk about stuff from my past because I can't get better if I don't."_

"But Dr. Park is your therapist, and we're Mike's friends. He's not paying us to talk about his issues or to guide him into confiding to us. It's not the same. I know how frustrating it can be, trust me, but if we show him that we trust him, then he'll talk at the right time."

It was pretty ironic to have this discussion with Eddie about Mike, when a few moments before, Richie had been the one to be convinced by Mike to believe in Eddie and not let his worry take the better of him. Could his Mother Hen tendency be contagious? He definitely hoped that it wasn't the case.

Once they hopped in the shower, the hot water and the soft caress of Eddie's fingers on his skin made Richie forget everything about his worries. He let his anxiety be washed over down the drain, pampering Eddie and appreciating when he did the same. Then they joined Mike, who was watching quite intently a literary show on TV. As soon as he saw them back, he grabbed the remote to switch channels, but Richie shook his head:

"Nah, leave it on. You're the master of the remote today, be aware of your incredible power. Besides, if Eddie and I start to get bored, we know plenty of ways to distract ourselves."

Eddie smiled suggestively (or tried to, at least), and Mike shook his head, a sigh escaping his curled up lips:

"If you want to stay with me, then you'll keep your distraction PG, alright?"

"Yessir!"

In the end, Richie had been content to watch the talk show, Eddie's head resting on his knees, caressing his hair absentmindedly. It wasn't as boring as he thought it would be. And even then, Mike was definitely interested, so it was worth the watch. Richie was pretty sure that he'd be happy to talk about it afterward, instead of keeping that to himself.

Of course, Richie wouldn't be able to discuss this kind of thing like Bill or Patty would, but he'd try. Because Mike loved his books and Richie loved him. Simple as that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the end of the chapter! Eddie took a big step forward this time, going out on his own for the first time c:. I really wanted to show Richie's perspective when it happened, because, of course, he's worried sick about him. And he shouldn't be and he knows he shouldn't be. Thank god for Mike, right x)?
> 
> Eddie's getting slightly overbearing too. He just wants the best for Mike and he thinks that immediately talking about his problems will solve everything, when it's slightly more complicated than that xD. But Mike will figure it out at some point c:. And he'll have his friends to talk to at this point.
> 
> Thank you for your support! Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos, I'm really impatient to read your thoughts on this chapter. You can also subscribe to the story/series if you want to.
> 
> Take care! Have a nice day and see you soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Here's the fifth chapter of this fanfic! I started to think that I wouldn't be able to publish it, I'm at my parents' home and the wi-fi is cut during the night, so I have to use my phone to get the Internet and its battery is almost dead >_<. Thankfully, I was able to write it, despite my tiredness, and there's still enough energy left on my phone to publish it. Can't wait to get to sleep, though.
> 
> Thank you all for your support c:. I hope you'll like this chapter! Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of racism  
> TW for ableism  
> TW for casual ableism
> 
> I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Mike put his book down for a second, allowing himself to take a deep breath and digest what he just read. God, he desperately wanted to get back to it right this second, but he knew that he already exceeded the short break that he had been allowed to take from his work. Carefully, Mike slid a bookmark between the book's pages, handling it with care and delicacy. As if he would be careless with such a precious object!

Mike longed to go back to his reading, but he had a job to do. He joined back his colleagues, who were quite busy already between the books to put back where they belonged, the demanding patrons and the wandering children, lacking supervision from their parents.

Mike sighed, kneeling down next to a little girl who seemed lost in the adult section, putting her dirty fingers all around. They'll definitely have to clean that section… But Mike knew better than to get angry at a kid who didn't know what she was doing. With a soft smile, he caught her attention:

"Hey, little girl. Where's your mom or your dad?"

The child raised her head towards him, looking slightly intimidated. He smiled a bit more, hoping that she would get talkative and less afraid of him:

"I'm Mike. I work here. And you?"

"… Lily."

Okay, he had a name. Good start. At least, she didn't start crying immediately. Mike was pretty good with kids, but some of his colleagues definitely weren't, and it showed.

"Hello, Lily, nice to meet you. That's a nice kitty on your sweater. We have tons of books with cats in the children's section, do you want to see them?"

The little girl's face brightened up considerably, and she nodded enthusiastically, immediately reaching out for Mike's hand. She didn't hesitate for a second, and this sincere display warmed Mike's heart. He really loved kids. They were so earnest. If only their parents could take care of them properly, instead of thinking of the library as some kind of babysitter club…

While he was leading her to the section, Mike crossed path with a woman quite similar to the little girl, probably her mom:

"Lily, where were you? I was looking for you!"

She seemed genuinely relieved to see her. Mike was ready to grant her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she just turned her head for a second, and the kid wandered. It happened.

"She was lost in the adult section, I was going to show her some picture books."

"Oh, good, that's very good. In the meantime, do you know if there's someone who could direct me to the last James Patterson?"

Mike raised an eyebrow at her question, signaling to the woman with a patient voice:

"Ma'am, you're supposed to take care of your children when you're coming here. It's not our job to watch over your kids. I can show you the book you're looking for, then lead you and your daughter to the picture books, but if you want me to read to your kid, she'll have to attend our weekly reading hours."

The mother scoffed, visibly upset by what Mike just told her:

"That's absurd. What are we paying you for, if not for that?"

Bless the life that Mike had for teaching him to be patient, because he might have told some pretty nasty things to this woman otherwise. He was pretty sure Eddie or Richie, in his stead, wouldn't have hesitated for a second. Instead, he kept on smiling politely, not deigning to answer to her last question:

"Do you want me to show you the way? I bet your little girl can't wait to see the picture books. Right?"

The kids were often his best allies to win the parents over. Lily was no exception. She bounced on her feet happily, claiming enthusiastically:

"Yes! Mommy, I want to see the cats!"

The woman sighed, but she relented. Mike took care of them as long as needed, leaving them in the children's section. He joined one of his older colleagues, who was struggling to get used to their new software. Mike chuckled when he heard her cursing, visibly itching to go back to the old pen and paper:

"This poor machine is not going to magically work if you're getting angry against it, Cathy."

His colleague persisted in her angry rant, clicking viciously on the mouse, while the screen was clearly frozen. Mike sat next to her, indicating with a soft smile:

"And it's definitely not going to unfreeze if you keep overloading it. Let this device breathe for a second."

"It was supposed to help us in our job, for f… for God's sake." Noticing a young patron not far from them, Cathy instantly corrected her foul language, earning a laugh from Mike. "Why does it keep freezing?"

"Maybe because you opened so many windows without closing any of them?"

Cathy shrugged, but she warmed up as soon as Mike dealt with the issue, allowing her to register the books that just had been returned.

"You're a life-savior, Mike. How did we survive so long without you?"

"You're exaggerating. I'm just here to help."

The woman rolled her eyes, grabbing a book nearby and hitting him lightly on the head with it:

"Learn to accept a compliment when you get one, Mike. Anyway, how's the book? How far are you into the story? I just started the chapter where the clown is..."

"Shh, not one more word, I know you're ahead of me!"

Mike pretended to put his hands over his ears, while Cathy was sighing and smiling. Sitting in front of his own computer, he took care of the patrons who were borrowing books, while his colleague dealt with the ones who were returning them. In the meantime, they kept on talking, keeping their voice down not to bother those who were there:

"The book is great, Cathy. Awesome, even."

"I can't believe you know the author. You'll have to bring him here! I'm telling you, I have a feeling he'll go far. If we're waiting for too long, he'll be too expensive for our small library!"

Mike laughed at the idea. As if Bill would ask to be paid to get to talk about his own book where he was working… If anything, he'd probably insist on inviting every librarian to a fancy meal and give them their books for free. That was how Bill was. Mike couldn't pretend that he wouldn't be over the moon to have Bill here, talking about his book. God, he couldn't wait to finish it and share his feelings with him. His feelings about the story, of course. What else?

Bill's first story was intense and definitely gripping. Mike always had a hard time letting go of the book when he was reading it, but there were tons of pages, and he had too much to do to really spend the whole day focused on it. He was pretty sure some of it was inspired by their story and their group. He definitely recognized their little group and smiled fondly when he noticed that they built a "clubhouse", just like theirs. 

Richie and Eddie were reading it too, albeit more slowly. When they read it, they were always together because Richie couldn't stand the clown and would curl up against Eddie whenever the creature was in the story. Eddie was pretty happy to get to be the one to "protect" him, reassuring him while lightly teasing him. That's how it worked between them.

So far, it was definitely Mike's favorite story. And it wasn't just because Bill wrote it, he was totally objective. That was just his professional opinion, as a librarian. Nothing more. Mike sighed at the thought, cleaning a book absentmindedly. Who was he kidding? Of course, it mattered that Bill was the one who wrote it. It mattered a lot, even.

Mike's thoughts and feelings were a mess. It wasn't new, but now that he was less stressed out about everything else, he was forced to face it, and it wasn't pretty. He clearly noticed the way his heart started to beat faster whenever he was thinking about Bill, how flustered he was when he got to talk to him, how his friend seemed able to comfort him by his mere presence, even over the phone…

Mike had read enough romance books to know what it meant, but it was still hard to accept. First, there was the whole "Am I gay?" thing that he had to process. He never thought of himself like that, but on the other hand, he never thought that he might be straight either. It was just in the back of his head that he might meet a girl and marry someday, like his parents, like his grandparents, but he had never been really interested. 

He never dated anyone, which wasn't really surprising, given that most people in Derry were awfully racist and certainly not willing to see him as a potential friend, let alone a romantic partner. It didn't dawn on him that he wasn't longing for that. It was like he always had everything he needed. Because he had his friends. He had Bill.

So, maybe he was gay. Maybe. Or perhaps another label. Richie had been pretty eager to share with him all the things he learned in his LGBT center, and Mike listened to him attentively, discovering many more identities and sexual orientations than he thought could exist, smiling at his friend's enthusiasm. Richie was definitely different, now that he was able to be out with the people he cared the most about. Mike was pretty sure Richie would happily help him figure out his feelings if he asked him, but it wasn't what he had in mind. Why would he need that, given that Bill was already taken?

He was smitten. He couldn't stop talking about Audra, and, frankly, it was slightly worrying Mike. He was not jealous, no. Certainly not. … Well, okay, perhaps a bit. But it had nothing to do with his concern. Recently, he noticed how little Bill stuttered, whenever he called him. Mike never made a single remark regarding his friend's speech issues, knowing how sensitive of a topic it could be, but Bill had been the one to mention it, happy to tell him that he was seeing someone regularly and that it really helped.

If Bill wanted to deal with that, good for him, but Mike had the feeling that he didn't do it for himself. That he merely tried to impress Audra, maybe to please her. He didn't know if she was the one who asked him to see a speech therapist, but if it was the case, Mike wasn't sure to like it… He tried to get Bill to say more on the topic, but he had been on the fence, and Mike didn't want to upset him.

Mike loved Bill. He always loved him, as a friend, as something else that he still didn't dare to put an exact name on. The way he talked, it was never an issue for Mike. That's how he always knew his friend, with his stutter. It had been even more difficult for him to talk when Georgie died, but it slowly got easier. His stutter remained, but Bill could finish his sentences or found ways to work around it. His friends understood and always waited for him to talk, respecting him too much to interrupt him and take that away from him.

But life separated them all, and Mike was worried that other people in Bill's life might not have been as understanding as the Losers were, regarding his stutter. That it might have become a real source of self-hatred, something he'd try to get rid of, only to please his peers and not for his own sake. To get Audra's love and respect, maybe.

What kind of love was built on getting someone to change entirely for their partner? Mike couldn't conceive it. He thought about Richie and Eddie and the way they were both so accepting of each other. They were there to lift up the other whenever needed, but pushing their partner to change only for their own sake? No, certainly not. Richie never asked Eddie to learn to talk verbally, and Eddie accepted that Richie's bursts of energy and impulsivity were parts of their life. That was how their relationship would last. That was how it was supposed to work. 

Otherwise, Mike refused to consider it love. And even if Audra never asked that from Bill, it was pretty obvious that he was doing that for her, and it wasn't better. But how could he talk about that to his friend without upsetting him? Mike didn't even ask for the opportunity to try to be something else than a friend for Bill. He just wanted him to be happy. To feel good in his own shoes.

Mike felt a finger poking his forehead, and he stopped zoning out, visibly startled. Richie was standing in front of him, Eddie trailing down.

"Hey, Mikey Mike. I think your book is clean enough, you can stop now."

Mike smiled, putting the book he was cleaning aside. It was the first time his friends were visiting him in this library. He could see that Eddie was burning to explore the place and grab some books he would then bring back home. His impatience was evident, and it caused Mike to chuckle. 

"What are you doing here? You're looking for something? A book in particular?"

Richie shrugged at his questions:

"Not really. We wanted to say hi and get a library card. How can we get one?"

Mike handed them two papers and pens, guiding them to a nearby table so that they could fill them out. Eddie was highly focused on his own sheet, his hand clutching his pen, writing clumsily the information they needed from him. He smiled at the sight, going back to his computer, greeted by Cathy:

"Your roommates, right?"

"My friends, yeah. I think I'm gonna help them a little, once they are registered."

Cathy nodded, putting aside a book with a page teared up, wondering out loud if it could be salvageable. She quickly focused back on Mike, assuring him with a smile:

"Don't worry, there aren't too many people around today, you can stay with them as long as needed. Jane is going to fill in for you at the computer. Thank god, she's tech-savvy too. Bless you all for being young and willing to learn, it really helps an old chap like me… I hate those freaking devices."

As if on cue, her computer turned off, and Cathy grumbled, turning it back on. She groaned, clicking on the computer mouse frenetically, as if it would help her in any way. Mike had to pry her hand from the object, telling her that she would break it:

"See? It's the worst!"

She sighed, looking over Eddie and Richie. Richie had finished filling his own paper a while ago, sitting next to his partner, waiting to see if Eddie would ask him for help. But Eddie was decided to do it yourself, even though it was difficult and slow to accomplish. That's how Eddie was…

She pointed at Eddie, nudging Mike:

"I feel like I already know him. You're sure he never went to the library before?"

Mike managed to play it off casually, assuring that Eddie tended to look familiar to a lot of people and that it wasn't the first time he had been asked that, but he was nervous. His face was less and less recognized, but what he went through with Bowers and the media coverage made him known again to some people. 

Mike had noticed that the library had copies of Sonia Kaspbrak's books (copies that suddenly and mysteriously vanished, what a weird thing), so Cathy might have recognized him from that. His colleague was nice, but she could be too direct, and he doubted that she was open-minded when it comes to autism and disabilities in general. He was usually the one who handled disabled patrons, his colleagues tip-toeing around it all quite clearly. 

Mike didn't know what was so difficult in treating disabled patrons humanly, but it seemed to be the case, nonetheless. It wouldn't be different for Eddie and, worse than that, if she recognized him and remembered what was written in his mother's books, she would probably treat him very, very badly, thinking she was doing the right thing.

Finally, Richie and Eddie handed him their papers back, and Mike put them in the system, giving them a library card. 

"Don't lose it, okay? And bring it when you're coming, it's necessary to borrow a book."

"Yessir! Now, come on, Eddie wants to look for some cooking book."

" _Something simple. Not too many steps to follow, if possible."_

Mike clearly noticed Cathy's raised eyebrow when Eddie used his lightwriter, but he ignored that, telling her instead that he was going to help them. She didn't object, calling for Jane to take Mike's place, while Mike led Richie and Eddie to the right section. He could feel her burning stare following them as long as possible, and he hoped that Eddie wouldn't notice. But he seemed too focused on his objective, swaying on his feet, typing on his lightwriter:

" _I want to learn to cook an entire meal before the Losers come. You two are always cooking, I should help too. And I want to do something for our housewarming party."_

It hadn't been easy to organize, but they managed to settle on a weekend in a few weeks, where they would all be able to come. Stan would bring Patty and, of course, Bill was planning on introducing Audra to them. Mike couldn't say he was looking forward to it, but he was glad to see his friends again. And he could make sure that Bill was doing fine. 

Afterward, they would join Bill and Audra on their way back, spending a few more days with them, while also visiting Sonia Kaspbrak's grave. Mike couldn't believe that Eddie never had a chance to do so before, and he felt slightly guilty not to have thought about it before. His friend needed closure, and it would allow him to get it, in some way. Even if there wasn't much left of them, getting to bury his parents and paying his respects to them (not that Eddie would have to do so for his own mother) really helped.

Mike felt his breathing caught in his throat at the thought. He had to put his hand on a nearby shelf to keep on standing on his legs, something Richie definitely noticed:

"Mike, you're okay? You don't look so well..."

Mike nodded, but he couldn't get himself to say that he was okay. Was he… was he starting to smell smoke? Or was he just imagining things? He could almost hear the fire crackling, barely, a faint sound that he couldn't pinpoint the exact location. 

"F… Fire."

That's all Mike managed to say at the moment. He heard Richie letting out a "Fuck!" and asking Eddie to stay put, running to his friend's colleagues. Soon enough, he was led to their break room, Richie pressing a wet cloth on his face, on his skin, Eddie squeezing his hand tightly and moaning worryingly. 

It wasn't the first time Mike panicked here. Before that, he had a panic attack when a patron tried to get in while smoking, trying to keep him out, getting worked up at the idea that he might cause a fire by accident. His colleagues knew about the Derry Library, what happened there, and helped him deal with the patron and calm down. They were still understanding, indicating to Eddie and Richie the cupboards in which they could get something to eat and drink.

Mike cursed himself for being so weak. Just a thought, just a single stupid thought, and it had been enough to launch him into a panic attack, as if he was still the little boy facing the fire, unable to help his parents out. It was always so quick, so unpredictable… How was he supposed to be a good librarian if he could just get an anxiety attack out of nowhere at any moment? What if it happened when he was reading to the kids? How would they react?

"I'm sorry..."

Richie shushed him, Eddie caressing his hand gently. Getting Mike to press the wet cloth against his forehead, Richie prepared him a cup of tea and served him some biscuits, settling into the role he was definitely the most at ease with: taking care of the people he loved.

"Don't apologize. That's not something you can control. It's fine."

"It's not. I need to get back to work, I..."

Mike tried to get up, but Eddie kept him on his chair with a surprising amount of force, given how small he was. He flicked him on the forehead, typing on his lightwriter:

" _No, you don't have to. Your colleagues know you don't feel fine. They don't want you back with the public until you're okay. So, you're going to drink your tea, eat your biscuits, and if you feel better afterward, then you'll go there. But not before."_

Eddie let out a whine that Mike could guess was trying to be authoritative. Close enough. Mike sighed, but he didn't try to get up. Instead, he reached for the mug, letting it rest in his hands:

"I'm really sorry, guys. I… I was supposed to help you, and instead I..."

Instead, he started to think about the fire. The fire, still fresh in his mind. Mike shivered, unable to shake off the memory from his tortured brain. The words remained stuck in his throat, and his gaze became haunted, haunted by what he went through, what his mind imagined, reality, and sick fantasy that he couldn't tell apart anymore.

Richie and Eddie glanced at each other for a second, before taking upon them to try to distract Mike and get him to think about something else. Anything else. Eddie shared some of his culinary tests, that he completely failed at, which gave him the idea to go to the library to find a book with easier recipes to follow, hoping that he would actually be able to cook something a bit "sophisticated" for his friends. 

Richie mentioned the cute pet store they came across while going to the library, saying that he might let himself be tempted to adopt a cat or a dog at some point. That he'd definitely call the dog Krypto and the cat Hobbes or Salem, if they ever had one. Mike managed to laugh when he noticed how suddenly interested Eddie was, visibly enthusiastic at the idea of getting a pet. 

Drinking his tea, Mike said out loud, his voice still slightly shaking:

"Are we even allowed to get a pet?"

"Yeah, there's nothing telling us that we can't, anyway. So, we could get a dog or a cat. Or both."

Mike grimaced at the thought. They were still learning to take care of themselves. A pet could be fine, but two? He doubted it would be manageable.

"No, it's either a dog or a cat. And we'll have to take care of it, all three of us. I won't be the one handling it all alone."

"Of course, Mike, who do you think we are?"

Mike was slightly skeptical, being the only one among their group of three to have to handle animals and be aware of the responsibility it represented, but he didn't voice his doubts. Besides, it might probably be a good thing for Eddie, if they were to adopt an animal. He'd have company, whenever Richie would start working too. 

They talked a bit more, helping Mike relax and put aside his thoughts about the fire. To be honest, he was itching to call Bill, knowing that hearing him would be able to put him definitely at ease, but he didn't want to admit it out loud right now, and he wasn't sure he could handle it if Bill decided to talk about Audra. Not now. Not when he was so vulnerable.

After a while, Mike felt ready to go back. Eddie and Richie stayed nearby, watching over him while Mike helped them find the cooking book Eddie was looking for. He managed to get a book with simple but nice recipes, that would be a good start for Eddie and would still be enough for him to cook something for their housewarming party. 

Mike also found some comic books for his friends, smiling at how Richie's eyes widened when he noticed their collection. Jane was a big fan, and Mike helped too since he started to work, knowing how much his friends loved comics. Of course, they'd be happy to see that… 

When Eddie and Richie left the library, after making sure that their friend was definitely okay, Mike went back to the computer, sighing deeply. Jane patted his shoulder supportingly, while Cathy was leaving to help some patrons.

"You're alright, Mike?"

Mike nodded, a tired smile on his face. Thankfully, it wouldn't be long until the library closed and, this day of the week, he wouldn't have to stay after that. He could come home directly. God, he definitely needed it.

"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry."

Thankfully, his friends had been there to support him. But what if they weren't? Mike definitely needed to work on his issues. Maybe he should see a therapist too… He just had a hard time accepting the idea. His grandparents would most likely scoff at the idea, unable to imagine that Mike could benefit from him and that it didn't make him weak. Maybe he should talk about it to Richie and Eddie, give a try to one of their therapists… Maybe not.

He sighed, focusing back on his work. He could see that Jane was itching to ask him something, but visibly holding herself back, conscious that Mike was definitely not in the mood to talk furthermore. He hoped it wasn't about Eddie, but it probably was. 

It was pretty much unavoidable. But he didn't want to talk about him before discussing it with Eddie and agreeing with him about what he could or couldn't say. His friend's life and diagnosis weren't small talks, they were real, personal, and Mike wouldn't say a thing about it without Eddie's consent. No matter how much his colleagues would insist. Fortunately, they pretty much let him on his own for the rest of the day. 

When Mike left work, his hand was clutched on his phone, his finger hovering over the call button. He finally decided against it, putting it back in his pocket. Bill had probably better things to do than to hear him pour his fears out once again. Pulling out his friend's book from his bag, Mike hugged it against his chest, opening it foolishly while walking. He almost got run over by a car, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He had a book to read… Bill's book. And it mattered more than anything else right at the moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it noticeable that I'm using my own experience as a librarian to talk about Mike's work xD? Parents can be unbearable sometimes. I had this woman who basically left her five or six years old at my library to go to the bakery, since there was a big line, and I had to supervise this poor kid who wanted her mom, while still handling my other patrons. Sigh... Seriously.
> 
> Anyway, yeah, a chapter from Mike's POV, yay! I started to think about the next chapter and it soon became obvious that I was only inspired for a chapter if it was about Mike, so here it is x). There's pining, there's his passion about books and library and, of course, his friendship with Richie and Eddie. 
> 
> I can't wait to write all the Losers back (and Mike meeting Audra.. I definitely need to do my research about her character, because we only see like a minute of her in the movie and uh... Bill's really acting like an ass towards her, not gonna lie xD). I have seen the miniseries, but it's been a while now and she hadn't left me a big impression either (although I remember her getting trapped, but her personality and whatnot? I don't really remember it, unfortunately).
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked it, I really liked writing this chapter, it's always nice whenever I get to write about Mike c:. 
> 
> Thank you for your support. Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos, I can't wait to read what you thought about it! You can also subscribe to this work / the series. 
> 
> Thanks again! Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! Welcome to the sixth chapter of this fanfic! I hope you're doing okay. Gosh, the next chapter will be the 100th chapter of this series, I never thought I would write for so long! It's so weird to think about it, but it's definitely thanks to you!
> 
> I'm getting tired and I need my beauty sleep, so let's get to the Trigger Warnings, as usual:
> 
> TW for ableism  
> TW for infantilization  
> TW for mention of homophobia  
> TW for internalized homophobia  
> TW for mention of emetophobia
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something else! Good reading! Oh, there's a straw poll at the end of this chapter, so don't hesitate to vote!

Eddie smiled when he heard Richie's big sigh, kissing him on the cheek. It was weird, getting to be so openly affectionate in public, but it's not like they had anything to fear right now. They were in a safe space, at the LGBT center. 

They just finished their scheduled session with the sex therapist, to Richie's relief. It was clear that he was pretty embarrassed the whole time, barely muttering his questions, hiding his face behind Eddie from time to time, as if it would allow him to escape his discomfort and his issues regarding his sexuality. On the other hand, Eddie was mostly curious and unbothered by the subject, asking many questions. He was eager to learn and, more than that, please Richie, however it might be.

He had noticed that Richie visibly relaxed when the therapist told them that sex didn't have to involve penetration, that it could happen way, way later, or maybe not at all. That there were plenty of ways for them to have fun safely and that nothing urged them to do anything they were not comfortable with.

And, as intrigued and enthusiastic Eddie was when it came to sex, his priority was for Richie to be happy in their relationship and to have it evolve at the pace set by his boyfriend, no matter how slow it could be, even if it meant that some stuff will always be out of the way. Richie's love and well-being mattered more to him than anything else. And Eddie was already pretty satisfied with what they had.

Eddie had listened to the therapist's recommendations very attentively, and they both agreed to get tested today, so that they'll know for sure that they were "clean". That would allow Eddie to get a real taste of Richie's skin, next time he'll give him head. Eddie couldn't wait… He hoped Richie would still be okay with it. If he wasn't… Well, they would find other ways to have their fun. Simple enough.

He had been reassured about the size of his penis, being informed that it didn't matter in the slightest and that he didn't have to look like the men in the magazines, a question that caused Richie to temporarily hide his face behind his hand, his cheeks redder than a tomato.

Eddie found himself thinking about this from time to time, and, now that he had an answer coming from a professional, he felt utterly relieved. It was pretty hard to know what was "okay" or not, when his only references were an old porn magazine, some books that only mentioned heterosexuality, and his deeply closeted boyfriend, who didn't have much more knowledge on the topic than Eddie did.

Now, they just had to get tested and wait for the results. Eddie couldn't help but worry, his hypochondriac side awakened by the mere idea of getting tested. Richie was the one who reassured him, kissing him on the forehead and caressing his hair:

"Don't worry, we did everything we could to be safe, I'm sure we'll be declared clean. I mean, clean is not the exact word I'd use to describe myself, but you know… It's fine."

Eddie didn't know how Richie could be so relaxed about the whole thing. At the same time, Richie couldn't comprehend that Eddie was so open and shameless when it came to their relationship and sex in general. That's what he told Eddie, while he was guiding him to the room where they were supposed to attend a support group meeting.

"I don't get it. You hear all of those things, and you don't… I don't know, you don't feel the need to dig a hole to hide for the rest of your life?"

Eddie chuckled at Richie's words, gripping his arm tenderly, using his free hand to type on his lightwriter:

" _You're the one who's making constant sex jokes, not me."_

"Yeah, but it's not serious! It's not… you know. It's not real. But talking about that with this therapist, with you, it's not the same. I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to disappoint you."

Eddie pulled Richie aside, forcing him to stop. He gazed at him for a moment, looking for the words he wanted to say, before he finally answered, a concerned whine coming out of his lips:

" _I'll never be disappointed in you. And if it's not always great, it's okay. It doesn't have to be. It's messy, it's weird, it's us. And I like it. I liked it when we touched each other for the first time in the clubhouse. I like to watch you. I like to hear you. It's our thing, and it's enough for me. Okay?"_

Richie nodded, a smile on his face that looked more like a grimace. He settled for a joke, hiding his embarrassment behind his humor once again:

"Can you get your device to say it all even louder? I think someone on the other side of the building didn't hear your dirty talk."

A mischievous grin on his lips, Eddie typed quickly on his lightwriter:

" _Oh yeah, totally. Let me adjust the volume, put it on the highest setting, and then..."_

Richie interrupted him, putting his hand on Eddie's mouth as a reflex, as if it could stop him at this instant. Eddie let out a muffled laugh, amused by his boyfriend, but he didn't torture him any further, not wanting Richie to get really anxious over that. It wouldn't be fun anymore, if he hurt his partner…

" _I can still talk, you know. But I won't talk about that anymore if you don't want to. I promise."_

Richie nodded and apologized, putting his hand away from Eddie's face. Eddie shook his head, a soft smile on his lips:

" _Don't feel sorry. In fact, I kinda like it. It's like your hand could cover my whole face. You have such huge hands."_

"I don't. Your head's tiny, that's all. Small and cute, just like the rest of you, my tiny angry gremlin."

Eddie groaned audibly, while Richie was teasing him, pinching his cheek slightly and repeating him that he was cute.

" _Not tiny."_

"Yes, you are. Tiny and cute, I could put you in my pocket and carry you everywhere. Eh, that's an idea!"

Richie hugged Eddie tightly, lifting him from the ground, and Eddie squealed reflexively, trying to get his boyfriend to let him go. But Richie insisted on carrying him until they arrived, and Eddie finally gave up, making himself as heavy as possible to make his partner pay for his deeds. Richie was out of breath when they arrived, and he put Eddie back on the ground, resting his hands on his knees.

"Damn… I didn't think… you'd be so… weighty."

" _I told you, I'm not that tiny."_

Eddie stuck his tongue out at Richie, before blushing when he noticed that some people were looking. Not wanting his boyfriend to be the only one embarrassed, Richie immediately did the same, clowning around so that the folks around would look at him instead of Eddie. 

It was easier to handle, being looked at because he was ridiculous rather than because he was openly gay. But here, their kisses and hugs weren't noticed. People didn't care. It was just hard for Richie to get used to it.

They arrived earlier than expected, giving Richie the time to get Eddie and himself a soda can. He chose a flavor that his boyfriend hadn't tasted yet, something that Eddie noticed immediately, getting used to this new savor. It wasn't bad, per se, he just needed some time, and he would like it just fine. Resting his head against Richie's shoulder, Eddie drank his whole can, waiting for the moment the meeting would start.

To be honest, he was a bit nervous. It was his first time here and, more than that, his first time meeting anyone besides Liz. He didn't want to alienate Richie's friends and risk ruining his boyfriend's safe place. If he wasn't welcomed here, Eddie would just not come again and try to get Richie to keep doing it. He knew that he wouldn't be easy to convince, but he'll try anyway. Eddie would feel awfully guilty if he had to take that away from Richie, just like he got him to quit his job before.

"Hey, Richie, it's been a while!"

Eddie heard a voice that he didn't know and, as a reflex, proceeded to hide behind Richie, hugging his arm in the process. Richie smiled at him and pulled him slowly from his hideout, while the newcomers arrived, waving at them:

"Hi, Adrian, hi, Don! Yeah, I didn't come to the support group meeting lately. Or to the LGBT center at all, truth be told. We had a lot of things to deal with."

"Yeah, I can imagine." The smallest of the couple smiled widely at Eddie, who only managed to look at the guy with an anxious expression. He didn't want to mess it up, but he was getting nervous, and it didn't help… "You're Eddie, right? Gosh, Richie talked so much about you, I almost feel like I know you already. Isn't that right, Don?"

The man named Don nodded at Adrian's words, prompting Eddie to gaze at Richie with a curious expression. Richie chuckled embarrassingly, scratching his neck at the same time.

"Sometimes, I have to tune it out a little, and I feel like all I'm hearing coming from him is Eddie Eddie Eddie. New love, it's so cute."

Don sighed, rolling his eyes fondly and kissing his partner on the cheek:

"You say that, but you couldn't stop rambling about me when I bought you a ring."

"But it's not the same! If it was legally allowed, it would mean that we'd be married! I had every reason to talk about you and the beautiful ring you bought me. God, I wish I hadn't been so awkward that day..."

Don chuckled, shaking his head:

"It wasn't embarrassing, it was cute."

"It wasn't cute! I could only think that I didn't buy you a ring, and I was so flustered that I gave you the first thing I could put my hand on, which was a soggy cheerio from my bowl."

"And I kept it preciously since then."

Adrian frowned at Don's words, a disgusted expression on his face:

"You're gross. You're definitely gross."

Richie cleared his throat, and they both stopped their teasing, inviting them inside. Eddie wondered if that's how they'd be, Richie and him, whenever they'll get older. He would love it, if they could just keep on teasing and loving the hell out of each other, just like that…

Waiting for the others to arrive, Don pinned a name-tag on Eddie's torso, while Adrian was introducing himself and his boyfriend properly:

"I'm Adrian Mellon, and this gorgeous hunk is my boyfriend, Don Hagarty. We're both at the head of the LGBT Center, and Don is usually the one directing those groups. I was supposed to take part in a counter-protest, but my asthma started to act up, and Don thought it'd be more careful if I were here. Which is bullshit because I feel perfectly fine, and I don't have to..."

As if on cue, Adrian started to cough up and pulled out his inhaler. Eddie felt his blood freeze up in his veins at the sight, and he couldn't help but begin to hyperventilate as well, triggered by the object. Richie immediately took care of him, getting his partner to look and focus on him:

"Hey, hey, remember Eddie, you're breathing just fine. You don't need it. You never needed it."

But seeing it right now, watching Adrian use it, it felt… right. He couldn't breathe, and using the inhaler helped him. Eddie couldn't breathe either, so he should have one too, right? Richie turned Eddie away from Adrian so that he wouldn't have to see the inhaler again, getting him to focus on his breathing, putting his hand on Eddie's to get him to stim and relax.

Adrian and Don glanced at them, worried, and the first asked them directly, showing Richie his inhaler:

"I have a spare one, if needed. I didn't know he was asthmatic too."

"He's not. It's… It's complicated. Eddie, deep breaths, okay? It's all in your head, remember? You can control it. I know you can."

He needed a few minutes more, but finally, Eddie was able to get a hold of his breathing and relax. Richie sat on a chair nearby, and Eddie instinctively installed himself on his boyfriend's knees, hugging him tightly, nuzzling his face against Richie's neck. He couldn't believe how easily he had dropped, just because he… he saw this freaking object… What would have happened if Richie hadn't been there to help him? 

Eddie whined anxiously, and Richie shushed him, caressing his hair and the back of his neck. Don got closer, sitting next to Richie:

"Is he going to be okay? What's happening? If needed, there should be an empty room nearby."

For a moment, Richie looked at Eddie, waiting for his reaction, but Eddie shook his head, and Richie respected his answer.

"No, it's gonna be fine. Eddie has a complicated past, but we're dealing with it. If he's getting too stressed out or agitated, we'll leave early, alright?"

"Of course, no problem."

Adrian had put his inhaler away, now that his breathing was calmer too. He started to apologize, but Eddie cut him out, typing carefully on his lightwriter:

" _Not your fault. You need it."_

"You're not wrong. My boyfriend took my breath away, see? Don is too beautiful, he's gonna be the death of me one day."

Don rolled his eyes fondly, insisting that Adrian sit as well, while he was getting up to welcome the newcomers. Some of them glanced at Eddie, his scarred cheek and his current demeanor, trying to calm down and stimming more openly for it to be possible. Richie was rocking him slowly as well, whispering sweet nothing to his ears so that Eddie would relax. He definitely needed it. Liz arrived soon after, waving at Eddie and Richie, sitting next to them.

Once everyone arrived, the meeting began. Eddie was playing mindlessly with Richie's fingers when someone finished introducing himself and declared out loud:

"You're Eddie Kaspbrak, right? I saw you on TV. Your scar, it's something, for sure..."

Eddie could feel Richie tense up, and he heard Don telling the guy that Eddie would introduce himself when the time would come and that it wasn't the topic of their meeting. Eddie should have been relieved, but this man's gaze was getting stressful to handle, and he couldn't just ignore it. He typed on his lightwriter, the robotic voice saying out loud right when the guy stopped talking:

" _I'm Eddie Kaspbrak, yes. And if you have questions, I'd try to answer them, but only when it's my turn."_

"Eds, you're sure?"

Eddie nodded. At least, here, he felt kinda safe to do so. Elsewhere, it wouldn't be the same. People here knew what it was like to be discriminated against, beaten up for being different, and all sorts of terrible things. They would understand, right? He hoped so, anyway… He got anxious while waiting for his turn to arrive, unable to focus on what everyone was saying. It wasn't how he planned things to happen, but it would be okay. Richie was here, Liz too, Don and Adrian wouldn't let people harass him or say nasty things to him, right? Right…

When it finally arrived, Eddie gulped, introducing himself quickly:

" _I'm Eddie Kaspbrak. I'm 20, and I'm Richie's boyfriend. I'm autistic, and I don't know if I'm gay, bi, or whatever. If you have questions, you can ask."_

"If it's out of line, then you can all go fuck yourself." Don sighed at Liz's intervention, and Liz added with an energetic tone: "What? He's kind enough to let them interrogate him, he doesn't have to handle them being awful on top of that. Right, Richie?"

Richie nodded. He was hugging Eddie in a tight grip, as if it could protect him from the rest of the world. It didn't, but it still felt comforting. Eddie waited for the first question, and it happened pretty quickly:

"You can understand us?"

Eddie rolled his eyes at the question. Really? For fuck's sake…

" _Yeah, I can. Next question?"_

He had been pretty dry, and he expected other people to feel too put off to dare to ask, but it wasn't the case.

"I thought you were supposed to be a toddler mentally. That's what your mother wrote, right?"

Eddie heard Richie let out a slight whimper, visibly upset by the whole thing. He kissed him on the cheek, answering angrily:

" _I'm 20, I told you! I'll be officially an adult this year, I'm not a toddler!"_

"Well, I think it's best if we stop the questions right there. Do you have something to add, Eddie?"

Eddie bit his bottom lip. He was tempted to let it go and spend the rest of the meeting hiding his face in Richie's torso, but something pushed him to do otherwise, and he typed on his lightwriter, letting out an annoyed groan:

" _I'm not a kid. I can understand you all perfectly, and I don't need you to start dumbing down your words for me. I don't want you to look at me as if I was some kind of lost cause. I'm disabled, big deal! I was always disabled, nothing new. I have a boyfriend, and I love him dearly. I fucking love him, and I also love to give him mind-blowing blowjobs, so if that disturbs any of you, then fuck off!"_

Eddie's big speech left everyone stunned. Liz was the first to react, clapping him and cheering him enthusiastically:

"Yeah, Eddie, you tell 'em!"

Meanwhile, Richie seemed mortified, his cheeks redder than ever, hiding his face as much as he could. Eddie wondered if he went too far, but it was too late anyway. He spent the rest of the meeting hugging his boyfriend, hoping that he would be okay soon enough and that he wasn't angry at him. When it was finished, some members lingered in the room, while others left immediately. A few people came to Eddie, apologizing to him for their questions.

Eddie accepted them without even thinking about it. He was so used to people treating him like that, it wasn't the worst he ever experienced, far from it. It was just weird, after so much time being respected and treated as an adult by Mike and the Toziers…

Speaking of the devil, Richie was still visibly embarrassed, delivering a "fuck off!" to the person who tried to tease him about what his boyfriend just said. Eddie whined worryingly, trying to get Richie to look at him. Richie finally did it, smiling awkwardly at his partner:

"I'm… I'm not upset with you, Eds. You showed them, they didn't have to treat you like that. I just… I should have said something. I should have helped you."

Eddie shook his head, caressing Richie's cheek:

" _You didn't have to. I could handle it, and you trusted me to do it. Maybe I should not have mentioned the BJ bit..."_

Richie chuckled at his words, kissing Eddie on the lips for a short moment, before saying to him:

"Yeah, let's keep that between us, okay? Although, you're right. You're definitely mind-blowing."

Eddie blushed a little, typing on his lightwriter:

" _Really?"_

"Really. You think I'd say that if it wasn't true? It's definitely true. We'll have to do that again soon. Preferably when Mike's not there. We don't want him to accidentally overhear us, right?"

Eddie laughed and shook his head again. No, he definitely didn't want Mike to have to endure that. Their poor friend… He hoped he felt better, by the way. He seemed preoccupied, those last few days…

Eddie stopped zoning out as soon as Don, Adrian and Liz approached them. Don immediately proceeded to apologize, and Eddie shrugged:

" _You don't have to. I told them to ask. I didn't think they would immediately go there."_

"People are ignorant and disrespectful, even here. I'd like it to change." Don sat next to them, looking at Eddie with a curious gaze. "We could use your voice here. If you told your story, you might be able to change people's perspectives. We have other disabled members. It could be a good thing for you all to have a moment to express yourself, the kind of discrimination you're facing, how people are looking at you…"

Eddie was tempted to accept. For so long, people have spoken about his experience for himself, never letting him the opportunity to do so. But now that he could… First, though, he focused back on Richie, letting out an interrogative whine that Richie understood immediately. Richie kissed him, caressing his hair:

"If you think you can handle it, then I'm trusting you. Don't push yourself too hard, though, alright? You're still recovering."

" _I promise."_

Don intervened, proceeding to reassure them:

"It doesn't have to happen right now. We'll take our time and organize it so that it won't be triggering to you or the other members involved. And if it gets too much, we'll stop it immediately, no questions asked."

"You can trust Don, he's the best for this kind of stuff. I'm more of a "protest loudly and proudly for your rights" type of guy, but Don is a diplomat at heart. It's gonna be okay."

Eddie nodded at Adrian's words. It didn't have to happen immediately, that was true. Eddie should get ready for that. He didn't want to regress in front of an audience. He'd have to get his therapist's blessing for that before feeling confident enough to do it. He was sure Dr. Park would be happy for him and encourage him to do so.

Once Don and Adrian left, Liz joined Richie and Eddie, and they stayed there for a while, discussing and catching up. After a moment, she led them throughout the LGBT center, showing it all to Eddie, who was bedazzled by the place. He didn't think there would be so many different people involved, so many sexualities, gender identities… Eddie was definitely far from figuring out who he truly was, at the moment. And it was okay.

He didn't have to get it all right immediately. He could remain vague, choose labels that weren't quite appropriate, switch for ones that seemed more suited for his needs, and so on. Richie would help him. They would find themselves together and live their relationship however they wanted. Who cared if it wasn't like most people? If Eddie had his issues and Richie too? It was their business, their stuff, and they were handling it.

Eddie wouldn't give up any of that in exchange for the entire world. As long as he had Richie, they'd be able to handle the rest. He and Eddie would find a way for them to have their fun without upsetting Richie. They'd find their balance, just what they needed to be happy together. 

Two days later, they received their test results, and Eddie was finally relieved to know that they were both healthy and clean from any sexual disease. That was indeed something to celebrate, and Eddie definitely had an idea to do so... He could only hope that Richie would be open to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I finally wrote about Eddie and Richie going to the LGBT center! It didn't go as well as they were expecting, but Eddie handled it in his own way x). I couldn't wait to get to write Adrian Mellon, the mere minutes we saw of him were quite interesting and I really wanted to feature him in my fanfic. Too bad he had just been butchered in the movie without much purpose other than "let's do a parallel with Eddie", he could have been so much more compelling =>...
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos, I'd like to read what you thought about this chapter! You can also subscribe to the series and the installment!
> 
> Here's the link to the strawpoll I mentionned earlier: https://www.strawpoll.me/20871030
> 
> It's a very important question: Team Cat or Team Dog for Eddie, Richie and Mike? Can't wait to see your answers! 
> 
> Take care! See you soon!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 7th chapter of this story, aka the 100th chapter of the whole series! Damn, we really got there xD. I can barely believe it. 
> 
> I'm sorry I didn't post it yesterday, as I wrote on my blog, I had a massive meltdown and I couldn't focus enough on what I was writing to be able to write a whole chapter and be satisfied with it. It's the 100th chapter, I wanted it to be good. So, here it is, a day later than it was supposed to be uploaded. Thank you for your understanding!
> 
> I hope you'll like this chapter, I had so much fun writing it! Thank you all for your support c:
> 
> Anyway, here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for sexual content  
> TW for internalized homophobia
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Eddie was bored. Richie couldn’t be more aware of this fact than he currently was. When Eddie couldn’t find something to distract himself, he was definitely making sure that everyone around him was conscious of this fact. Richie tried to keep a count of how many times he heard him sigh at first, but he had to give up at some point.

He turned on the TV, zapped through different channels before turning it off and doing the same thing a few minutes later. Eddie started a book, let it rest on his face, and whined after a while, putting it aside. He even started to practice his writing skill, tracing the letters patiently and consciously, but he gave up after five lines, his head resting on the table.

Meanwhile, Richie was going through the various newspapers he bought over the course of the week, focusing on the job offers, circling the ones that seemed interesting, crossing those that he definitely didn’t want to have anything to do with. He would lie if he said that he was really motivated by the prospect of getting a job, but he couldn’t just let Mike be the only one contributing to their rent and necessary expenses (not counting Eddie, who was still relying on his mother’s earnings). He had to participate as well.

But Richie would miss these moments with Eddie, even when his boyfriend was so bored that annoying Richie seemed to be pretty much the only thing that was able to distract him for a short moment. He had joined Richie on the couch, poking his cheek multiple times to get a reaction out of him. But Richie wasn’t as hotheaded as Eddie could be, which meant that it barely got him to turn away from his newspapers, informing his boyfriend:

“I’m finishing that, and then, I’m all yours, alright? Just be a little patient. It shouldn’t be long.”

Eddie let out the longest sigh Richie heard so far, and he couldn’t help but laugh. It shouldn’t be so endearing, but it definitely was for Richie. Eddie was always so goddamn cute, even when he was decided to act like a little shit because he couldn’t figure out how to keep himself busy. Richie blamed his big doe eyes for this feat. Richie could never resist them, they had a power over him that he couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

Pressing keys on his lightwriter, the robot voice expressed loudly that Eddie was bored, while Eddie was attempting to whine Richie’s name, so that he would get his full attention:

“Iiie!”

Richie bit his bottom lip to prevent himself from cooing about how annoyingly adorable his partner was. That wouldn’t help his case, at all. He ruffled Eddie’s hair, repeating patiently:

“I’m just finishing that, okay? I’m nearly done.”

Richie knew he wouldn’t be able to resist indefinitely to Eddie’s charms and impatience. And Eddie was obviously aware of this fact as well. Smirking slightly, he laid down on Richie’s knees, resting his neck on his boyfriend’s legs. He caressed Richie’s cheek, composing a pitiful expression on his face, as if he was currently the saddest person in the world because his partner didn’t give him the attention he was seeking for:

“Iiie!”

Richie lowered his gaze, and he knew that he would lose this battle very, very soon. Eddie was looking at him as if he was his entire world, eyes full of love and desire, and Richie had a pretty good idea of how Eddie wanted to keep himself busy and entertained. But he wasn’t done, and Richie knew that if he accepted to follow him to their bedroom, he would certainly not go back to his newspapers today…

“Eddie, let me finish that, okay? If you’re really that bored, you could still suck my dick while I’m doing so.”

Richie was joking, obviously. He would never ask Eddie to do that seriously. Although, now that he said it out loud, it sounded quite thrilling… But no. Definitely not. It wasn’t… That wasn’t really their thing. They were still experimenting, finding their rhythm, doing things slowly, and keeping it vanilla, mostly because Richie needed time for each step they were taking, battling against his internalized homophobia.

He thought Eddie would roll his eyes or groaned audibly. That he would flick his forehead, as he often did whenever Richie was making a terrible, sexually charged joke. He certainly didn’t expect him to consider his offer and to let his lightwriter express his consent, very simply:

“ _Okay. I’ll do it.”_

Richie gulped, looking at Eddie as if he was truly seeing him for the first time in his life:

“What?”

Eddie smiled, straightening up and getting close to Richie’s face:

“ _I said I’ll do it.”_

A thought visibly crossed his mind, and he added, a soft whine coming out of his lips:

“ _But if you don’t want to, if it was a joke, then we won’t. It’s okay.”_

Richie felt his heart swell, just like it always did whenever Eddie made sure that he had his full consent. His boyfriend was always so caring, attentive, and doing his best to ensure that Richie would have a good time and wouldn’t feel forced to do anything he wasn’t ready for. 

He thought about it, for a while. Mike was working, and he told them that he was going to a restaurant with his colleagues this evening, which meant that he wouldn’t be back until way later. So, no risk for him to stumble upon their… little game. Richie blushed and cringed at the thought. The last thing he wanted was to inflict this scene to poor Mike, who definitely didn’t ask to see his friends in this kind of position. So, yeah, if it had to happen like that, it was probably the best moment…

But Richie felt really weird at the idea of Eddie sucking him while he was focusing on his job search. He always treated so reverently their sexual interactions, giving them his full attention, trying to do his best to satisfy Eddie and shut up the nasty voices in his head telling him that he was doing something wrong, something unnatural. But maybe that was the issue. Perhaps he was taking it all too seriously and needed to take a step back. To have some fun with that.

Eddie clearly wanted to do it, it was quite obvious. He was already licking his lips, his eyes wandering towards Richie’s crotch, his hand getting dangerously close to this particular zone. If anything, Richie could swear that this new “game” was exciting him even more. It wouldn’t be surprising: Eddie had always been the most adventurous in this domain, between the both of them.

Richie took a deep breath. Maybe it would be good for him, for them. They’d figure out if it was something they liked. A new step in their relationship, on the sexual side of their love. His heart beating too fast, Richie finally managed to give his consent, his voice getting slightly squeaky:

“Okay, Eds. I… I want to do it too.”

Eddie immediately slid on the floor, eager to start. Richie gave him a pillow to settle on, so that his poor knees wouldn’t have to suffer too much. Oh god, they were really going to do that, right? For real? Richie gulped, while Eddie, his head raised to gaze at him, seemed to try to determine if Richie really wanted to do it or if he was merely indulging him. Richie smiled clumsily, brushing Eddie’s hair:

“I really want to. If you want it too, of course.”

Eddie nodded, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _We’re both clean. I want to put my lips on your skin, directly.”_

Eddie was always so clinical and direct. And yet, it excited Richie beyond measure, causing him to let out a shuddered breath, while his dick was already starting to harden at the mere thought of what they were about to do. Carefully, Eddie pulled the zipper on Richie’s pants, lowering them slightly with his underwear following suit. Richie wasn’t completely naked, but it was even weirder than if he had to be. 

He felt awfully vulnerable, but gazing at Eddie helped him to calm his anxiety. His partner was on his knees, his face getting closer and closer to Richie’s crotch, but his eyes looking at him with devotion and affection that Richie never saw expressed towards him. It was describing what words couldn’t say right at the moment: Eddie was taking care of him, and he wanted Richie to have a good time.

Richie gulped, unable to focus on anything else than Eddie’s dreamy eyes. Eddie was the one who reminded him of the rules of their little game, whining so close to Richie’s dick that he felt his breath on his sensitive skin and shuddered:

“ _You’re supposed to focus on your stupid newspapers and look for a job. Not on me.”_

“Uh, okay, okay. Focusing. Back to… focusing. On the newspapers. Right. Yeah. Need to find a job. I’m the man of the house, after all. Wait, we’re all men, so it doesn’t really work, so… I mean… Oh!”

Richie stopped rambling when Eddie gave a tentative lick to his cock, feeling his dick twitching at the attention. God, it was so, so different from wearing a condom… He was directly in contact with Eddie’s mouth, Eddie’s tongue. Oh, god!

“E… Eddie...”

Eddie had stopped licking him, pouting at Richie and tapping on the newspapers behind him with his index finger:

“ _Work. Now.”_

Okay, Eddie was getting bossy. And Richie liked that. He liked that very much. He was unable to say anything else than a “Yessir”, bending his back so that he would be able to read the newspapers and keep on his job search. Trying to pretend that Eddie sucking and licking his dick was merely a background event was proving itself to be close to impossible.

Richie was barely able to focus on the words, reading the same job offer twice without realizing it, his ears picking up on Eddie’s downright obscene noises while he was eagerly sucking his dick. He circled an ad that he was definitely not interested in (because Richie would never in his right mind think about becoming a truck driver), asking Eddie with what he hoped was a detached tone (it was not):

“Did you… Did you practice or something? You’re clearly… uh… how should I put it? More at ease with… with that than… Oh, fuck!”

Eddie licked one of his balls, and Richie threw his head back and literally howled at the feeling. Eddie just started, and he was already nearly finished… God, he really needed to work on his stamina. Still pleasuring him, Eddie reached for his lightwriter, typing on the device while looking at Richie with the most lustful gaze he ever saw:

“ _Sometimes, yes, when you were doing something else or when you weren’t here. I used bananas because I figured that if it was good to use for condom practice, then it’ll be good for blowjob practice too.”_

Richie let out a weird sound, that quickly turned into uncontrollable laughter. He had to rest his hands on Eddie’s hair while he could not stop himself from laughing, his eyes getting teary, and his breathing quickening. Eddie stopped sucking him, licking his lips and pouting:

“ _What?”_

“Oh, Eds… I love you so much, you… you have no idea. You’re so weird. The best kind of weird.”

Eddie let Richie calm himself down, which also allowed him to be less on edge and about to come than he was before his partner caused him to laugh so much. Richie raised up his glasses to wipe his eyes, still giggling helplessly:

“I’m… I’m sorry, Eddie. You’re just… You’re hilarious. You’re the best.”

Seemingly satisfied with Richie’s emotional and physical state, as well as his compliments, Eddie ordered him, before going back to what he was doing:

“ _Job offers. Focus. Now.”_

“O… Okay, Eddie Spaghetti.”

It was probably the least sexy of the nicknames he had for his partner, but Eddie didn’t care, already focused on his task. Richie tried to do the same, indulging what he could already see becoming one of Eddie’s fantasies (and probably his too). Eddie had slowed down his rhythm, to the point that he would sometimes spend a few minutes just keeping Richie’s cock in his mouth, letting it rest there, not even sucking or licking. It was weirdly endearing and definitely sexy.

Richie did manage to focus a little bit more on his job offers, but definitely not as much as he should. He wasn’t superhuman, thank you very much, he was already doing his best to indulge Eddie’s bossy side. But to be honest, adding this flavor to their sexual interactions, making it more of a game between them and less of something to revere, it helped. Richie’s voices were barely audible and definitely muted by Eddie’s constant attention. They were trying something new, having their fun, and nothing else mattered. Eddie was obviously turned on by all of that, Richie being able to notice his cock forming a tent in his boyfriend’s pants, in a way that almost seemed painful.

Already, Richie was getting to his breaking point. Eddie was tentatively sucking one of his balls, and the overwhelming feeling made him keen. He managed to enunciate, his breathing getting out of control:

“Eddie… I’m going… I’m going to...”

Richie put his hand on Eddie’s hair, encouraging him to stay away so that he would be able to masturbate and come, but Eddie shook his head, a motion that caused Richie to squeak audibly. Visibly, Eddie had another idea in mind, and he wouldn’t let his boyfriend stop him from doing so.

He still raised his gaze towards Richie, waiting for his consent. Richie nodded, and Eddie sucked him at a more intense pace, so fierce that Richie came a few seconds later, one of his hands still on Eddie’s head. He felt his fingers grabbing his boyfriend’s hair while he was cumming, his hips shaking, his mouth agape, a long whine coming out from his parted lips. Meanwhile, Eddie was trying to swallow it all, but between his lack of experience and Richie’s uncontrollable moves, he started to choke, cum escaping his eager mouth and rolling down his chin.

Once Richie was done, he clearly noticed the stains on Eddie’s clothes and his own, blessing whoever was up there in the sky for keeping their couch clean. They really didn’t think it through, right? Richie would have burned this couch and pretended it was an accident rather than having to admit to Mike what the weird stains on their furniture were…

Eddie wiped his face, his breathing ragged, his gaze still lost in delightful lustful confusion. He was still hard, and Richie clearly noticed it. For a second, he remembered their night at Disney World and how Eddie took care of him while Richie had been unable to do the same. He didn’t want it to happen again… Cupping Eddie’s face, Richie bent to kiss him on the forehead, offering with a tender voice:

“What would you say if I offered you to go to our room and to take care of your poor, little soldier begging for attention?”

Eddie raised an eyebrow at his words, rolling his eyes before he managed to type on his lightwriter with the hand that didn’t touch his face, clumsily hitting the keys:

“ _I’d say fuck off because your dirty talk is not sexy at all, and my soldier is not little. But also yes.”_

Richie got up, his legs wobbly after what Eddie did to him. He helped his boyfriend to get up and was tempted to carry him in his arms, but he gave up as soon as he hugged Eddie, knowing very well that he wouldn’t have the strength to do so right now. It wouldn’t do them any good if Richie dropped Eddie on the floor, that was for sure….

Pulling up his pants and underwear, Richie led Eddie to the bedroom, inviting him on their bed, asking with a voice full of desire:

“How do you want me to do it?”

Eddie thought about it for a second, before he answered:

“ _Like we did on the couch. Me sitting on the bed with my pants and all pulled down, you doing whatever you want. If you want to give me a handjob, I’ll love it.”_

To be honest, Richie was relieved that Eddie wasn’t expecting him or asking him to suck him off. It was definitely a possibility in the back of his mind, Richie was sure of that, but Eddie didn’t want to pressure him, and he appreciated it. He kissed Eddie on the forehead, about to do the same to his lips when Eddie shook his head:

“ _No! Dirty. I need to brush my teeth first.”_

“Definitely not, Eds. The bodily fluids in your mouth are mine, it’s basically like tasting my own saliva.”

“ _It’s not, Richie.”_

Richie chuckled, tracing Eddie’s lips with his fingers, asking gently:

“Shall we kiss, kitten?”

Eddie blushed at the nickname, that Richie used sparingly because he loved its effect on his boyfriend and didn’t want him to get used to it too quickly. He hesitated for a second, but he nodded, and Richie kissed him. He didn’t deepen their kiss, letting Eddie in control if he wanted to do so. Visibly, it wasn’t the case, and Richie respected it.

It was definitely not like tasting his own saliva, far from it, but Richie couldn’t care at the moment. He was still coming down from his high, and he was full of love and adoration for his cute, weird, delightful, and slightly annoying boyfriend. He was kissing him, and that was all that mattered. Letting his hands wandering, Richie started to pull down Eddie’s pants and underwear, just like he asked him to.

But he stopped himself before touching Eddie’s dick, getting up again after kneeling down. Eddie whined worryingly, a concerned expression on his face, but Richie was quick to reassure him, kissing him on the cheek:

“I’m gonna wash those hands before putting them on your little soldier, okay?”

Eddie groaned at his words, and Richie chuckled, but he could see that Eddie appreciated his gesture. He wanted to take care of his boyfriend, and making sure that his hands were clean was the bare minimum Richie could do. He wobbled to the bathroom, getting his hands clean and keeping them slightly wet, before going back to Eddie.

His partner had put a pillow on the floor, so that Richie would be able to kneel on it and feel comfortable. He smiled at the sight, taking place between Eddie’s legs, getting his hands close to his crotch:

“This rocket is about to take off, in five, four, three, two, one… !”

Richie had used his 60’s news reporter Voice, causing Eddie to roll his eyes and whine audibly, but he was quick to forget about his annoyance at the second Richie put his hand on his cock, stroking it up and down slowly. Eddie was keening, his fingers grabbing the sheets as if his life depended on it. Richie grinned at the sight, happy to know that he had so much effect on his boyfriend and that he was the one pleasing him like that. Realizing that he had an easier time keeping the internalized homophobia at bay if he remained natural, Richie started to tease Eddie, touching him where he was definitely the most sensitive, smirking at his little whines and the way his hips were shaking:

“What? Is it too much? Your lightwriter is just next to you, if you want me to slow down...”

Eddie managed to grab the device and tried to type something, which basically resulted in gibberish, the robotic voice unable to compute his words. Richie laughed out loud at the attempt, but he still slowed down, allowing Eddie to calm down a little and sign to him, his eyebrows frowned:

_You’re a piece of turd, Richie._

“Yeah, but don’t you love that piece of turd, Eddie Spaghetti?”

Eddie pulled out his tongue with a disgusted expression, and Richie chuckled, Eddie doing the same shortly afterward. Yes, it definitely helped, being able to joke, tease his boyfriend just like usual. Maybe it was his mistake: Richie was giving it all too much importance, as if it was something sacred, but their sexual interactions were merely another side of their relationship. Not essential.

He could be his usual self. He could fumble a little and make mistakes and be slightly clumsy. What mattered is that they had their fun, he and Eddie. If it wasn’t funny, then they’d stop, and that was all. Nothing dramatic. Nothing tragic. It was merely one of the many ways for them to express their affection for one another. Or, in that case, to keep Eddie out of his boredom.

Richie smiled, remembering how it all started, teasing his favorite tiny angry gremlin:

“So, still bored, Eds? Maybe you’d prefer to play chess?”

He pretended to stop, taking his hand away from Eddie’s cock, and Eddie protested loudly, trying to grab his fingers and get him to continue. Richie indulged him immediately, and Eddie was back to whining and shaking. He wouldn’t last long, Richie knew it…

“I couldn’t resist. I love your pouty face, Eddie.”

As an answer, Eddie pouted exaggeratedly, and Richie felt his heart swelling once again. What did he do to deserve such a cute and amazing boyfriend? He wasn’t sure, but Richie was blessing every single second he got to spend with Eddie. He wouldn’t dare to ask for anything else. This was perfection. Or maybe not perfection. But it was _them,_ and it was more than enough.

Eddie started to twitch more and more, unable to stop himself from whining, and Richie knew that it was now or never, if he wanted to take another step in their sexual interactions. Letting go of Eddie’s cock, Richie’s face got closer and closer to his crotch. Eddie was about to protest, since Richie wasn’t caressing him, but he stopped himself when he noticed what his boyfriend was trying to do.

Putting his hand in Richie’s hair, he caressed him gently, as if to show him his support, no matter what he chose to do. Richie focused on Eddie’s hand, so that the voices would stay away. He stuck out his tongue tentatively, getting closer and putting it on Eddie’s cock. He managed to give it a lick before the voices started to get too audible, choosing to stop so that he wouldn’t break down crying once again.

Pondering on the taste of Eddie in his mouth, Richie finished him off, not realizing that the way he was positioned meant that as soon as Eddie would cum, he…

Oh. Eddie came, and his cum landed on Richie’s face, sticking to his skin. Oh. Oh. Richie needed a second to process what happened, while Eddie, coming down from his high, was visibly mortified, moaning and typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Sorry sorry sorry”_

But Richie started to laugh, once his brain accepted what went down, and he wiped his glasses clumsily, teasing Eddie gently:

“Thank you for the face mask, Eds. Very good for the skin. Not so much for the glasses.”

Eddie was visibly nervous, humming anxiously, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Not angry?”_

Richie shook his head. He got up slowly, straightening his aching back, caressing Eddie’s face:

“Not at all, I promise. It’s fine, it’s completely fine. Do you want to lick me clean?”

Richie grinned, and Eddie shook his head, redder than a tomato:

“ _No! In the shower!”_

“Yeah, yeah, we definitely need a shower. And we’ll make extra sure the couch and all are clean, because poor Mike doesn’t deserve to pay for how horny we are.”

Eddie nodded, still blushing. Richie helped him up on his feet, leading him to the bathroom. He attempted to take off his own clothes, but it was pretty obvious that he was nowhere in the right state of mind to get his body to obey him. Richie took over gently, whispering to his ear:

“Let me do that for you, okay?”

Eddie didn’t protest, only nodding, and Richie undressed him carefully, planting kisses on his skin here and there. God, he loved him so, so much… He could barely handle it.

The lukewarm water on their skin was definitely welcome. Richie washed Eddie’s hair gently, asking him with a soft smile:

“Did you have a good time?”

Eddie whined approvingly. His voice was getting slightly croaked, which wasn’t a surprise, given how long he gave head to Richie… Fuck, just thinking about it was enough to make him shudder! And it all started with Eddie being bored and teasing the hell out of Richie…

Eddie thought about it for a moment, before signing slowly. He was still far from being able to use ASL to communicate as easily as he was when he was writing, but he was progressively getting there.

_And you? You didn’t feel forced, right?_

Richie kissed him on the tip of his nose, causing Eddie to laugh, before reassuring him again:

“I didn’t feel pressured. On the contrary. I’ve never been so relaxed and at ease while doing this kind of thing with you before. You helped me a lot.”

_I did?_

Eddie was smiling proudly, visibly satisfied to have been able to calm Richie’s anxiety and internalized homophobia. Richie nodded, proceeding to massage Eddie in a way that always made him melt:

“You did. It was fun and kinky, and I didn’t blow it all out of proportion, as I sometimes did before, because you showed me that it was all in good fun. I really liked it.”

Eddie was becoming putty between his hands, Richie could feel it. He smiled when his boyfriend leaned against him, a sleepy moan coming out of his lips, lazily signing to him:

_Loved it. Want to do it again. Want it kinky._

Richie laughed out loud, kissing Eddie on the top of his head.

“Okay, my sweet, horny bunny. We’ll make it kinky, one step at a time.”

Eddie answered with a thumbs up, his eyelids fluttering. Richie helped him wash himself, getting clean as well, before assisting him in putting his pajamas, leading him to their bedroom. Richie quickly took out the blanket and put another one on top of the bed, getting Eddie to lie down. Eddie moaned protestingly, typing clumsily on his nearby lightwriter:

“ _Help cleaning. Not sleepy.”_

“Yeah, I can see that. Not sleepy at all. Okay, I’m taking care of the couch and the living room, you’re dealing with our bedroom, alright?”

Eddie nodded, and Richie, a knowing smile on his lips, left the bedroom, scrubbing the couch clean, even though he couldn’t see any stain. It didn’t mean that it was perfectly clean, living with Eddie had taught him this kind of things. Once he was sure that the couch was definitely disinfected, even cleaner than when they bought it, Richie ordered his newspapers and put back the pillow for Eddie’s knees where it was supposed to belong.

Once he came back to their room, Richie heard Eddie snoring before he saw him asleep. Visibly, he had taken his words seriously and had tried to get up, sliding slowly to the ground, so much that the upper part of his body was now on the floor, while the rest was on the bed. Richie grinned, stepping back to go look for a camera and snap a picture. He was definitely showing it to the Losers (not explaining the context, of course).

He helped Eddie on the bed, making sure he was comfortably installed, joining him soon after putting their blanket and clothes in the washing machine. Eddie was lying on his side, sucking sleepily on his index finger, his face slightly scrunched up in the cutest way. Richie kissed him on the forehead, and Eddie whined softly, before going back to sucking his finger.

“I love you, Eds. Thank you for everything.”

Richie had so much more he wanted to tell him, but he didn’t want to risk disturbing Eddie’s sleep. Instead, he decided to spoon him, listening to his breathing and his sucking noises, letting his thoughts wander away.

Today, he had been stronger than the voices. He didn’t win against them, but they didn’t control him this time. He had been able to please Eddie and to take a step forward, despite his initial fear. And he was proud of that.

Richie was proud of himself. And he was proud of Eddie too, of course. For being so caring, so attentive, so patient with him…

It was definitely a good day. A very, very good day indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of this chapter! To be perfectly honest, I didn't know what I wanted to write until I got a comment who inspired me and made me write this whole smutty chapter to celebrate the 100th chapter of this series xD. So, that's how it happened x).
> 
> I had real fun writing it and portraying how Eddie and Richie are always trying to make sure of their partner's consent, that they have fun and all, that it's always fine for them, what they're doing and all. I'm all for healthy and consensual relationships and that's what I wanted to portray in this chapter.
> 
> Richie's loosening up a little and is allowing himself to be more natural, less anxious about sex. That's why he's joking more and teasing Eddie as well. It's closer to their usual interactions and it makes it easier to handle.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter as much as I liked writing it! Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos, I can't wait to see what you thought about this chapter (the 100th, god xD). You can also subscribe to this series and this story, if you wish to do so.
> 
> Thank you for still being here after all this time! Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Here's the 8th chapter of this fanfic, I hope you'll like it! I'm starting to fall asleep, so I'll keep that section short. Thank you all for your support and for still being here after all this time. I hope you're doing okay c:.
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for internalized homophobia  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of ableism
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Eddie kissed Richie's neck, trying to get him to relax. He was trying to pretend he was fine, but his anxiety was quite evident. After all, today was the first time Maggie and Went would come to their flat, once they moved in…

It was Maggie who called them and suggested to dine at their flat, whenever they were free to do so. She missed her boys, she said. And Went too, even if he wasn't as expressive on the matter as she was. They wanted to see them. And, of course, Richie, Eddie, and Mike agreed.

But Richie was nervous. He kept checking on his cooking, as if it could suddenly burst into flames, and he asked Eddie thrice if their room was clean and their bed made. As if Eddie would agree to leave their bedroom if it was messy… But Eddie didn't blame him. Richie just wanted to prove that they could handle this life. That, together, they were able to live on their own, without Richie's parents to help them at every step.

Eddie had helped Mike set the table, and his friend had told him to join Richie to calm him down, while he was taking care of the appetizers. Eddie whined softly to get Richie's attention, caressing his back. Richie glanced at him, smiling weakly, before he focused back on his pot, stirring its content again and again.

Eddie raised an eyebrow, looking at the cooked dish. It seemed delicious and, most of all, finished. Richie could stop stirring it like that. That's what he told to him, hitting the keys on his lightwriter:

" _It's good. You just have to let it rest, we'll warm it up one last time before dinner time. Right now, I'm demanding my hug."_

Richie chuckled at his tone and even more when he noticed his pouty and demanding face. Eddie was joking, but, truth to be told, he definitely wanted Richie's attention and affection. His boyfriend gave one last glance at his dish, before letting it rest and smiling at Eddie.

Eddie had opened his arms, and Richie immediately complied, hugging him tenderly. Soon enough, he was scooping him up from the ground, Eddie's feet dangling in the air. Eddie whined protestingly, squirming in Richie's arms, but he gave up quite soon. He would lie if he tried to pretend that he didn't like being manhandled by Richie like that… His partner was sweet and caring, carrying him to the couch, whispering loving and tender words in Eddie's ear.

"Here's your seat, my Prince." Richie laid him carefully on the couch, as if he was carrying the most precious thing in the world. "If you want me to, I'll carry you to bed this night too..."

Eddie shook his head, straightening up and sitting on the couch. He didn't want it to become a habit, he was pretty sure Richie would always try to keep him off the ground otherwise… Richie kissed him on the cheek, getting up to help Mike, but Mike insisted for him to stay seated.

"I'm almost finished, why don't you just relax and talk to Eddie?"

"I'm perfectly relaxed, thank you very much. I'll start to get real nervous if you keep telling me to calm down..."

Richie laughed anxiously, fiddling with his glasses. Eddie cupped his cheek, getting his boyfriend to look at him. He whined softly, using his lightwriter to express what he wanted to say:

" _Put your head on my knees, Richie. I'm gonna take care of you."_

Richie smiled, not even thinking about protesting. Lying down on the couch, resting his head on Eddie's knees, Richie had turned his face towards his partner, admiring him lovingly. He raised his hand to caress Eddie's scar, telling him with a smile:

"Yep, it confirms what I was thinking. You're the cutest at every angle."

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly, putting his fingers in Richie's hair and caressing it gently. Richie sighed, closing his eyelids, focusing on the sweet feeling of Eddie's hand. They didn't say a thing for a while, Eddie caressing and massaging Richie's scalp, Richie appreciating it wholly and becoming putty in his partner's hand. Eddie was the first to break the silence, attempting to reassure Richie:

" _It's_ _going to be fine. They're not coming to judge us. They just want to see us, that's all."_

Richie sighed, opening his eyes and raising his hand to caress Eddie's face:

"Maybe it's not their intention, but they're still gonna judge us, Eds. If it's not all perfect and dandy, Mom will worry about us, and I don't want it to happen. We're handling our new life just fine."

Eddie nodded at his words, smiling at him:

" _Exactly. We're happy, and we have a good life together, the three of us. They're going to see that, because it's the truth, because that's how it is. We're handling it fine. It's gonna be okay, Richie."_

"Eddie's right, Richie." Mike finished putting the appetizers on the coffee table, sitting next to them. "Nothing to worry about. Well, if it were my grandmother coming, it would be something else. She'd probably push every furniture to check for the smallest speck of dust. And my grandfather would keep telling me that I should go back to the farm. But Maggie and Went? No, not their type."

Richie grimaced sympathetically at Mike's words, while Eddie wondered quietly what his mother would tell, if she was still alive. Well, first of all, she would have never let him leave her, that was for sure. And even if she did… She would have made sure to criticize everything, fawn over Eddie's health, and blame Richie and Mike for whatever ailment she convinced herself that he was suffering from at the moment.

But it wasn't just that. She would have never supported his relationship with Richie. Unlike Maggie and Went, she wouldn't have accepted to see past her prejudices and work on herself, instead of thinking that there was something wrong with them. She never loved Eddie. She only loved the son that was in her head and that she tried to force him to be. Obedient, docile, quiet, perfect to show off.

"Eddie?"

Eddie, startled, stopped zoning out. He raised his gaze, slightly confused. He hadn't even noticed that Richie's head wasn't on his knees anymore… Richie caressed his hair, a worried expression on his face:

"Are you okay, Eds?"

Eddie shrugged. He was fine, it was just… He didn't like it when his mind was going to places he wasn't ready to visit. He didn't want to think about his mom, but it happened, and he couldn't help it. She was always there, in the back of his mind. Taking so much space in his life. He hesitated, but he convinced himself to tell them the truth, instead of hiding it and dealing with it all alone:

" _I was thinking about Mom. How she would react if she saw me now. Badly, I'm sure of it."_

Richie and Mike glanced at each other, before focusing back on Eddie. Richie caressed his hair softly, while Mike was squeezing his hand, showing him his support.

"Yeah, probably. But she's not here, Eds, and she can't tell you what to do or who she wants you to be anymore. It's over."

Eddie nodded quietly, sliding two of his fingers between his lips to suck on them anxiously. It was over, sure, but… but his brain was hard to convince. His mother's grip remained strong on him, despite the progress he made, and he could slip up at any time, regressing back to the shell-shocked Eddie he used to be, as if she was still in his life, next to him at every step he was taking. It was so frustrating…

Richie asked him if he wanted another hug, and Eddie nodded once again, curling up against his boyfriend's body, sucking on his fingers. He started to bite on them at some point, and Richie caressed his jaw, getting him to relax. They remained like that for a while, Mike squeezing Eddie's free hand here and there in a tender motion, until they heard a knock on the door. Maggie and Went were there.

"You think you'll be okay, Eddie? You can go to our room whenever you want, it's alright."

Eddie stopped sucking on his fingers, wiping them cautiously. He nodded, typing on his lightwriter:

" _Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry, I'll get away if it's too much. I know I'm allowed."_

Eddie noticed Richie's frown at his words, and he had to think a bit about it, before he understood his discomfort. "I'm allowed", that's what he said. But that wasn't something he had to worry about anymore. Richie, Mike, Maggie, Went… None of them would even think about forbidding him to do something, because Eddie wasn't a child anymore. Because he was an adult and that he'd make his mistakes if he had to.

Sometimes, it was just hard to remember. Especially when he was getting closer to regressing. But he was fine. Everything was going to be okay. He knew it. Getting up, he followed Richie and Mike to greet Went and Maggie. Richie's parents barely had the time to say a word before Eddie hugged them, a bit too tightly.

God, he missed them… He hadn't truly realized it until they were there, right in front of him. Eddie just had to hug them. He couldn't do otherwise. Richie joined him, and soon enough, they were all hugging each other. They tried to get Mike to join them, but he shook his head, preferring to shake Maggie and Went's hands respectfully. He just had a hard time being so openly and physically affectionate, that wasn't how it worked in his family… But he was slowly getting used to it, living with Richie and Eddie every day.

Eddie had a hard time letting go of Maggie when they ended their hug, shaking his head and keeping his arms around her, resting against her. It just felt good. Being right where he was. In his mother's arms. Maggie wasn't his mom, not biologically, but… but she had been more of a mother than Sonia Kaspbrak would ever be.

He finally managed to convince himself to stop, his face slightly red when he realized how much he was hogging Maggie. But none of them seemed to think twice about it, although Richie signed to him, asking him if he was okay. Eddie signed back, telling him that he was fine, which was the truth. He was just… He missed Maggie and Went a lot, that's all.

"It smells so good!" Maggie was ecstatic, sniffing the air shamelessly. "I can't wait to taste it!"

Richie massaged his own neck, not knowing how to react to his mom's compliments. Decided to let his boyfriend know how amazing he was, Eddie immediately added, causing Richie to get even redder:

" _Richie's_ _a great cook! He's teaching me some stuff too. He's really good!"_

His robotic voice couldn't quite express Eddie's emotions, but he compensated by his facial expressions and his delighted and sincere whines. Richie should know how awesome he was, but given that he was currently trying to hide his face in Eddie's hair, he definitely wasn't aware of that, and it was a shame.

They all sat on the couch, tasting Mike's appetizers. Eddie was quick to mention that his friend did all of that as well, not wanting him to feel left out or forgotten. Went was the one complimenting him this time, visibly appreciating what was in front of him. Mike chuckled nervously, blissfully unaware of his own talents, and unable to accept a compliment either.

Not that Eddie was better when it came to that… If someone started to praise him for whatever reason, Eddie would probably let out an embarrassed moan and nuzzle his face against Richie's chest. They were all hopeless...

"The house feels so empty without you. When I'm coming home from work, I'm expecting to see my sons and to hear about your day." Went sighed, a tight smile on his lips. "Well, instead, I'm bugging my wife. My poor Mags..."

Maggie rolled her eyes fondly, squeezing Went's hand. As a reflex, Eddie grabbed Richie's own hand, doing exactly the same. Richie smiled at him, starting to get closer to his face, but stopping himself before he could kiss Eddie, glancing quickly at his parents. For a second, an awkward silence lingered between them, until Mike spoke, asking Maggie:

"How is it going at your work?"

She was visibly happy to get to talk about that, gushing about her job, how relieved she was to finally have something to do besides being a housewife. Eddie could see that she was careful in her wording, but it still stung a little. Since the library burned down, he hadn't found a new job, and he wasn't even sure he'd be able to hold one. Mike had been accommodating and understanding, adapting the job to Eddie rather than forcing Eddie to mold himself into a role he couldn't get used to. Would he be able to find something like that elsewhere? He wasn't sure of that…

"But enough about me! Richie, honey, you're still looking for a job, right? That's what you told me on the phone..."

Richie grimaced at his mother's words, fidgeting with his half-filled glass, looking for what he wanted to tell. Seeing that he was starting to lose his footing, Eddie took over, typing on his lightwriter:

" _Richie's_ _still looking, but he's putting a lot of effort into that. He wants to find a job that still leaves him time for me, so it's not easy, but he's trying."_

"Good, that's good. I'm sure it will come around at some point, son."

Richie nodded to his father's words, offering Eddie a grateful smile. He was still nervous and craving for his parents' approval, Eddie could see that. But he shouldn't have to worry. Maggie and Went loved him and were proud of him. It was obvious to anyone but Richie. He was stuck on the mindset he used to have when he wasn't out to them, thinking that he might disappoint them for any possible reason. Eddie hoped it would get better, that Richie would realize his own worth and the fact that his parents' love wasn't conditional. Unlike his own mother's affection…

Eddie shook his head, chasing the awful thought from his mind. He grabbed Richie's arm, hugging it tightly, finding comfort in this act full of affection. Richie patted his head, caressing his hair, while he told his parents about their day-to-day life, how they got used to living in a bigger town than Derry ever was. He also admitted, grinning at the idea:

"We're thinking about getting a pet. But we're still not quite sure what we want to get, so it's not gonna happen soon. We're taking our time."

"It's for the best. Taking care of a pet is a big responsibility, no matter what kind of animal it is. You all agreed on that?"

"Yes, of course." Mike took a sip of his glass, putting it back on the coffee table. "We talked about it. If one of us wasn't interested, we would have given up on this project, but it's not the case. We're living together, it's important to be on the same page when it comes to this kind of thing."

They were able to make it work, because Richie, Eddie, and Mike communicated and respected each other's boundaries. Richie and Eddie kept it vanilla whenever Mike was around, and their friend didn't come into their room without asking first.

They could have their alone time whenever they felt like it, and Richie and Eddie would make sure to not make too much noise when they knew that Mike was reading, so that he could enjoy his book. Sometimes, they slipped up a bit, but they were trying not to, and that's what mattered.

They wanted to live together, and they wanted it to be a happy arrangement. Which it was, for all of them. Eddie couldn't imagine living without Mike or Richie. It was just… perfect. Richie was making their home lively and filled with laughs, when Mike was providing a calmer atmosphere, something Eddie definitely needed as well. They were completing each other, in the best way.

"A dog could be a good addition to the flat, but it can be noisy and quite demanding. Maybe a cat would be best suited for us, who knows..."

" _I never had a pet before. Whatever we'll get, I can't wait to take care of it!"_

Eddie let out a happy noise, flapping his hands. It felt good, being able to express his feelings so openly. He didn't even have to think about it twice. It just came naturally because he knew that it was okay. That no one would get angry at him if he flapped his hands or bounced on his feet or whatever he was doing to express how joyful he was. They wouldn't yell at him, forcing him to fold his hands on his knees and put pressure on his shoulders to keep him still. No, they wouldn't, because they weren't like…

Eddie let out a frustrated whine, slapping his left temple in an uncontrollable fit. They all focused back on him, Richie immediately reaching for his hand and squeezing it, before moving it slowly, in a rocking motion:

"Eds, you're okay? Deep breaths. It's fine."

It's fine, it's totally fine. But Eddie was thinking again about his mother, and he shouldn't, because doing so was making him sad and upset. She wasn't there anymore. No, she wasn't. Eddie just wanted to enjoy this moment with his family and to eat what Richie prepared for them. He wasn't going to regress. He wasn't going to let it happen, no matter what it took.

Once he was calmed down, Eddie typed on his lightwriter, feeling ashamed to have hurt himself like that:

" _Tired. But I'm alright. I won't hit myself again, I promise."_

"You're sure it's fine? You remember what I told you, right? You can go to our room whenever you want."

But he didn't want to go to their bedroom. He wanted to stay with Maggie and Went and enjoy their presence. Show them how happy they were. That they didn't have to worry about them. Sucking absentmindedly on his pinky finger, Eddie followed everyone when they got up from the couch, sitting at the kitchen table. He couldn't wait to taste Richie's dish… It was going to be so good!

Richie had kept it healthy and simple, buying tons of vegetables to cook a french ratatouille. Eddie was salivating at the smell, barely able to contain his joy when Richie filled his plate to the brim. His boyfriend smiled at his enthusiasm, caressing his cheek quickly, before serving everyone else, waiting anxiously for their verdict.

Eddie had been the first to taste his dish, squirming in delight. It was just so good! The taste was sweet and not overwhelming, as it could sometimes be for his delicate palate. This was exactly what he loved. He whined happily, typing on his lightwriter:

" _So good! Richie, you're the best!"_

"I agree, it's really good, son." Went took another bite, visibly enjoying what he was tasting. "Thank you for taking the time to prepare that."

"Oh, it's… it's not much, really."

Eddie rolled his eyes, flicking Richie's forehead. Richie let out a surprised whine, not expecting this retort.

"Why?"

" _It's_ _delicious, just say thanks."_

Mike laughed at Eddie's words, and Richie audibly groaned, but he relented, thanking his father for his compliment. The rest of the meal went just fine. They had a lot to talk about, but Eddie was content to just enjoy his meal and listen to everyone else.

To be honest, he was starting to get a bit tired. It was hard to keep his brain from wandering to his past and the person he didn't want to think about. On top of that, Eddie really wanted to make sure that Richie was having a lovely time too, and that he wasn't putting too much pressure on himself. He shouldn't have to. It was all good. Nothing to worry about.

Thankfully, Richie and Mike talked enough for them three and none of them were pushing Eddie to participate. If he wanted to discuss, he would do so, they knew it. But if he wasn't up to it, it was useless trying to force him to do otherwise. Useless and cruel. They would never do that to him. They respected him too much for that. And Eddie appreciated it.

He listened to Mike talking about his job at the library. He couldn't help, but feel slightly envious. He wanted to have a job too. He wanted to be back with Mike and work with him, just like they did before. He missed this dynamic between them. He missed being here for Mike and helping him in his job as much as he could. It was only once a week, but it meant a lot to Eddie. And he didn't have that anymore. He'd probably never have that again…

Eddie felt a hand on his cheek, wiping a tear. He jumped, startled, letting out a frightened moan.

"Hey, Eds, it's okay, everything's fine! You… You were crying. I… You seem tired. Maybe you should rest a little?"

Eddie was stubborn. He shook his head vehemently, whining protestingly, refusing to leave when they were all still there. He was alright! He didn't need to rest, he didn't need to stay away from his folks, because they were kind, loving, they were there for him! Maggie and Went, they… they were everything his mom wasn't…

Again. Again, he was thinking about his mother. He couldn't stop. He could never stop. She was taking so much space in his mind, in his life, he was getting scared that there wouldn't be enough left for him in the end. 

He was sad, he was thinking about her. He was happy, he still thought back to the time he wasn't, when he was with his mother. No matter what, she was always there, and Eddie couldn't escape her, no matter how hard he was trying not to give her so much importance.

He grabbed Richie, a sob escaping his closed-up throat. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay with his family, his real family, and enjoy this moment with them. Instead, he was obsessed with his mom, and he couldn't let her go. He was the worst… He was truly the worst. He couldn't stop crying, hiding his face in Richie's torso, grabbing his clothes urgently. Why was he always ruining everything? He should… He should have…

Richie helped him up, guiding him to the bathroom so that he would be able to brush his teeth and put on his pajamas. Eddie resisted, shaking his head, whining out loud. He wasn't tired! He wasn't upset! He was okay, he just needed to stop thinking about… about…

"Mo…"

Eddie sniffled, progressively losing his footing. Once again, he called for his mother, but Richie was quick to react, cupping Eddie's face, getting him to look at him:

"Eds, my love, it's okay. You can be sad, you can be upset, you can be stressed out. But you need to let yourself feel all those things, or it's gonna get worse. I promise you, you'll feel better if you rest a little. I'll stay with you until you're asleep, okay? And Mom and Dad won't leave without saying goodbye. We'll wake you up if you're still asleep by then, and they'll spend time with you, okay?"

Richie hugged him tightly, while Eddie was calling his mom again, confused, getting lost between past and present. Despite that, he understood Richie's words and had been convinced to stop resisting, managing to brush his teeth, and struggling to put on his pajamas. Richie helped him after a while, guiding him to their bed.

Richie handed him his plush, and Eddie grabbed it instantly, hugging it tightly and munching on its ear, slightly calmer, but still sniffling. He didn't know why he was so upset… He couldn't understand why, and it was so frustrating! He just… He couldn't help, but think about his mom. How much she hurt him. When he should be able to live in the present, to enjoy what he had now, instead of wallowing on what he used to go through…

Richie shushed him gently, kissing him on the forehead, caressing his hair.

"I'm staying here, Eddie, until you're asleep. You're not alone. When you wake up, I'll be there and Mom and Dad too. We'll be there for you, I swear."

And Eddie believed him. Eddie trusted Richie, he trusted him deeply. As much as he loved him, in fact. Richie wouldn't lie to him. Maggie and Went would still be there when he's waking up. They wouldn't think that he was being ungrateful or neglectful or that he wasn't thanking them properly for everything they did for him. Eddie loved them, he loved them so much. He was just… tired. So, so tired.

His eyelids fluttered, and soon enough, Eddie was falling asleep, snoring lightly. Richie remained by his side for a moment, ensuring that he felt well and that he wasn't experiencing a nightmare. He kept their bedroom door open, so that he would be able to hear Eddie if he were to wake up or have a bad dream, before going back to his parents and Mike.

Meanwhile, Eddie didn't dream much, and, if he did, he couldn't quite remember it. He felt a hand caressing his face at some point and opened up his eyes, his gaze glassy, a yawn escaping his parted lips. Soon enough, he was seated between Maggie and Went, caught in a tender embrace. They remained silent, not wanting to overwhelm him when Eddie was still sleepy and sensitive, but they expressed their affection otherwise, in a way that Eddie craved for so long.

He loved feeling their fingers in his hair, the deep pressure on his skin, the way they made him feel safe and cared for. They were family. _His_ family. Richie had kept his promise, Went and Maggie were still there for him, and Eddie truly appreciated it. He was melting under their touch, their loving gestures, sighing and whining, reciprocating what he was getting.

Eddie had been so focused on making sure that Richie knew that his parents loved him unconditionally that he didn't realize that he needed to know that too. And that's why he thought so much of his mother. Because he was scared that they'd worry so much about him that they'd start to think that he couldn't live there. That he should be back home.

But as much as he was struggling, Eddie was also thriving, and they saw it. They noticed how happy he was, how much he was progressing, how he had been able to adapt to this new life, far away from everything he'd known until then. They wouldn't take that away from him. No, they wouldn't.

Eddie moaned and hugged Maggie and Went tightly when they finally told him that they were proud of him and how much they loved him. That's all he wanted to hear. That's all he needed to hear.

Noticing that his eyelids were fluttering again, Maggie and Went wished him good night, kissing him on the top of his head, helping him to get under the blanket. Eddie went back to sleep, relieved and comforted. They loved him. They loved him for real. His family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for this chapter! I didn't know what to write about at first, but I realized that I wanted Maggie and Went back, so I wrote them in and the chapter wrote itself :D. I missed them after all this time (just like Eddie and Richie missed them too xD). 
> 
> Eddie's caring so much about Richie that he's pushing himself and doesn't realize that he needs to give himself a break too. He was already tired when Maggie and Went arrived and he pushed himself again and again, when he should have allowed himself to rest. It's hard to fight the internalized ableism, I have my issues with that too.
> 
> With that said, I just took a look at the poll "Team Cat or Team dog" for Richie, Mike and Eddie and know that, for now, Team Cat is winning ;). So if you want that to change, don't hesitate to vote here: https://www.strawpoll.me/20871030  
> I'm already thinking about names, so if you have suggestions to make, let me know in the comments!
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave a comment or kudos if you feel like it c:. You can also subscribe to this story or the series. I can't wait to read what you thought about this chapter!
> 
> Take care and have a nice day! See you soon!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to the 9th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you're doing okay and you're not too tired or overworked, I know those times are difficult to everyone. I'm wishing you all the best! I'm back to work tomorrow, after my holidays, so I hope it won't be too intense and I'll still be able to maintain my current schedule. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for still reading and thank you for your kind words! I'm always happy whenever I get to read you and answer you back. So don't feel shy and don't hesitate to comment! 
> 
> As of now, Team Cat is winning, so it seems like Mike, Eddie and Richie will have a cat in their household :D. But you still have time to vote, so don't hesitate ;). Here's the link: https://www.strawpoll.me/20871030
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for infantilization  
> TW for ableism  
> TW for casual ableism  
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for mention of abuse
> 
> I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

It was a rainy day. Richie hoped that it wasn’t setting a mood, because he definitely wanted this day to be good for Eddie. After all, they were finally going to give a try to this autism association, despite their reservations.

Eddie decided that he was ready to go there, and Richie didn’t object. Why would he? It was Eddie’s choice. If he wanted to try it, Richie wasn’t going to stop him. But he was relieved to know that Eddie wanted him there, because he would have been awfully anxious to just drop him without knowing exactly what it entailed.

Instead, they were in this together. Mike offered them their support, regretting that he was working and couldn’t go with them. But he made them promise to call him or text him whenever it was done to let him know how it went. 

Richie jumped on the opportunity to tease him, but Mike had been quick to remind him that he was definitely the most overbearing between the three of them and had no business mocking him on the matter. Which wasn’t wrong, far from it.

Richie glanced at Eddie, who was resting his head against the car’s window, looking at the drops of rain slowly descending on the glass. Using his index finger, he was following their path, while his other hand was fiddling with his teddy bear, probably trying to relax by doing so. Eddie was nervous, it was quite obvious, but Richie didn’t know how to calm him down. He was himself pretty anxious, so it didn’t help…

He didn’t like to see Eddie upset, and he knew that if the people there treated him poorly, infantilizing him and whatnot, his boyfriend would probably drop and regress. The whole thing could be potentially triggering, reminding him of his days with his mom and how she used him and his autism to gain sympathy points and money. How he used to be treated. But it was Eddie’s choice, and Richie was supporting him, whatever he was doing.

That was their deal, the only way their relationship could work. Richie had to let Eddie make mistakes, as long they were from his own volition. They could talk about it together, but in the end, Eddie was the one deciding what he wanted to do, and Richie wouldn’t stop him. Eddie spent so many years passive and being controlled by pretty much everyone else, he needed to be the one in charge of his own life.

And Richie respected that. Even if he couldn’t help, but be worried about the whole thing. He really didn’t want to see Eddie hurt. But more than that, he was scared that Eddie might try to suck it up because he thought that’s what he had to do. Just like he attempted to do when Richie’s parents came to see them…

He kept telling them that he was okay, that he didn’t need to rest, that he wanted to stay with them, until it was definitely too much for him. Richie felt his throat closing up every time he thought about Eddie’s heart-wrenching sobs and the way he gripped him for comfort, a comfort Richie wasn’t sure he was able to provide as much as Eddie needed it. He tried and hoped it was enough, but he wished he could do more…

Eddie seemed better, though. Richie had been right in thinking that having his parents staying for a while with his boyfriend before leaving was the best move. Eddie loved Went and Maggie so much, and he would have been heartbroken if he woke up without being able to say goodbye to them. They were more of a family for him than his own mother had ever been. Richie wasn’t one to be jealous, and he was really, really happy to get to share his parents with Eddie. And that they loved him back unconditionally.

A soft moan caught Richie’s attention, and he glanced at Eddie, who was smiling at him, a clumsy and nervous smile. He typed on his lightwriter, sharing his thoughts:

“ _I hope it’s gonna be okay.”_

“Yeah, I hope so too. And if it isn’t, it’s not your fault, right?”

Eddie grimaced at his words, and Richie admitted that he probably shouldn’t mention this possibility too much. Eddie needed him to be reassuring and more optimistic than he currently was. Richie took a deep breath, smiling back at Eddie, a big and goofy smile:

“They’re gonna love you, Eds. Who wouldn’t? You’re irresistible, after all.”

“ _Bowers didn’t like me very much, I think.”_

Richie let out a strangled noise at Eddie’s words, while his boyfriend was chuckling. Okay, so Eddie could be into dark humor… Richie wasn’t really expecting it. Far from that. He chased away the memories linked to Bowers that were trying to assault him, poking Eddie’s cheek:

“Too soon, Eds. Way too soon.”

“ _Admit it, it was hilarious.”_

Richie rolled his eyes fondly, focusing back on the road and his driving:

“No, it was not. At best, it was mildly funny. You need a lot of work before getting on my level, Eds. I am the master of humor, after all.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow at his words, clearly skeptical, while Richie let out a laugh. He sincerely didn’t expect Eddie to joke about this kind of thing so early, but he shouldn’t have been surprised. Eddie was a lot stronger than most people thought he was, and he took it all better than Richie did. He was still not sure he’d be able to walk past the bathroom at his parents’ house without flinching, to be honest…

“ _Master of my ass.”_

“Well, not yet, but you never know...”

Eddie looked at him for a second, bewildered, before he got his raunchy joke and let out an unwilling snort, putting his hand over his mouth. 

“See? I can make you laugh whenever I want. If that’s not being funny, I don’t know what it is.”

Eddie was trying really hard to contain his giggling, his face red, his fingers clasped over his lips, but he was clearly failing. He still typed on his lightwriter, before turning his face away from Richie:

“ _Not laughing.”_

“Oh, right, you’re totally not laughing, my bad. You’re just vibrating and squealing behind your hand. Totally normal. Nothing to do with my ass joke.”

Eddie snorted once again, unable to prevent himself from doing so, and Richie smiled widely, always happy whenever he managed to amuse his boyfriend (even if he didn’t want to admit it). Sometimes, they could both be so childish… And Richie couldn’t see how it was supposed to be a bad thing. 

It wasn’t because they were adults that they didn’t have the right to act silly from times to times. But he knew that other people would use that to pretend that Eddie was mentally younger than he physically was, just because he allowed himself to have some fun, without thinking much about it. It was so fucking unfair…

But Richie didn’t want to be tense or angry, not when they didn’t even arrive at their destination yet. He didn’t know what was waiting for them, in this association. He had to believe that it would be a good experience for Eddie. Something he would enjoy. Not everyone was out to get him, right? Richie had to believe that…

After less than an hour of driving, they arrived in Newport, Richie parking his car in front of the community center where the association was supposed to have its meetings. He took a deep breath, squeezing Eddie’s hand:

“You’re ready?”

Eddie hesitated for a second. He looked around them, before kissing Richie quickly on his lips, squeezing back his hand. 

“ _Now, I’m ready.”_

He chuckled, a sound that Richie was falling in love with every time he had the pleasure of hearing it. Hugging his teddy bear against his chest, he was about to open the car door, when Richie stopped him, pulling out an umbrella:

“Wait, I don’t want you to be all drenched. And what about your plush? We don’t want Teddy to be all wet either.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow at his words, asking with a puzzled expression on his face:

“ _You gave a name to my plush?”_

“Uh, I mean, I kinda thought about it on the spot, nothing more. Seems obvious, right? It’s a teddy bear, after all. It’s shorter to call it Teddy. Or Ted.”

Eddie shook his head, a smile on his lips, waiting for Richie to get out and open the door for him. He was protected from the rain, under his boyfriend’s umbrella, Richie making sure that not a single drop of water would land on Eddie’s skin. While they were walking towards the community center, Eddie typed on his lightwriter with one hand, his plush tucked under his arm:

“ _Did you give a name to your stuffed animals?”_

Richie scratched his cheek, an awkward laugh escaping his mouth:

“Yeah, I guess. I named all of my stuffed animals when I was a kid. Some of them are still in my parents’ house, I’ll show them to you one day. You ought to meet Mr. Pompom, he’s a white rabbit. Well, not so white after all these years, but you know.”

Eddie giggled at the ridiculous nickname, teasing Richie immediately:

“ _I’d be delighted to meet Mr. Pompom. Maybe around a pretend cup of tea? I’ll invite Teddy too. Wait, should I call him Mr. Teddy or Sir Teddy?”_

“Ha, Ha, Hardy Har. You’re hilarious.”

“ _I told you I was.”_

Richie resisted the impulse to kiss his boyfriend on the spot, opting instead to ruffle his hair affectionately. Eddie sighed, resting his head against him, making it even harder for Richie to resist and not seek his partner’s lips. He would happily do so once they were back home, if Eddie was in the mood too. But now wasn’t the time. 

Entering the building, Richie almost bumped into a man, slightly older than them. He apologized, but the guy didn’t answer, his gaze focused on the entrance door. He seemed to be waiting for someone, fidgeting nervously. Eddie let out a curious whine, giving a glance at the door, and was about to ask the man why he was standing there when someone intervened. 

She was probably in her forties, and the badge on her jacket indicated that she was a therapist. She stood in the man’s field of view, saying with a clear voice:

“Tate, you know your sister is not coming back right now. She’s working, she can’t stay with you.”

The man shook his head, rubbing his leg nervously, still trying to get a good look at the door. The therapist took off her watch from her wrist, showing it to Tate:

“She’ll be back in two hours, okay? You don’t want to stay two hours looking at a door, do you?”

Richie wasn’t sure he appreciated the tone she was using. It almost seemed… demeaning. But she did manage to get him to move, leading him to a table where other people were already reunited, playing a board game. On the way there, she called for someone, a man who greeted Richie and Eddie with a big smile:

“Hi, you two! I was about to ask for your names, but let me guess… You’re Edward Kaspbrak and Richard Tozier, right?”

“Richie and Eddie, it’ll be just fine.” Eddie nodded. His therapist was the only one he allowed to call Edward. It was their special thing. Otherwise, he was Eddie for most people. Eds for Richie. Or Eddie Spaghetti. Or tiny angry gremlin. Or even Kitten. 

“Richie and Eddie it is, then. I’m really glad to see you both. You seem in better shape than you were on TV, Eddie. I’m happy to see that.”

Eddie nodded, tightening his grip on Richie’s arm. He seemed unsure about how he was supposed to react, and Richie couldn’t really blame him. He was unable to determine if the place seemed welcoming or off-putting. Something in-between, definitely. From what he was able to see, it was all well-organized, and everyone knew where they were supposed to be. 

There was Tate’s group, still playing, while the therapist from earlier was supervising them, telling them things that Richie couldn’t hear. 

On the other side of the room, there was a small circle of people, debating something that Richie wasn’t able to grasp. A woman was particularly active, engrossed in her speech, agitating her hands wildly, while the rest of them were listening, visibly waiting to talk as well. 

And then, finally, there was another small group, composed of children, accompanied by their parents. He thought he saw a father holding his daughter’s hands firmly, as if to stop her from stimming, and Richie gulped, looking away from the scene.

Did Eddie see that? How was he feeling? He was about to ask him, but they were interrupted by the man, who introduced himself:

“I’m Mark Ripsom, creator of this association, and this young woman there...”

He indicated the person Richie saw earlier, that seemed to be very talkative:

“She’s my daughter, Betty Ripsom. She has recently gotten an interest in entomology, and I’m guessing this is what she’s talking about so passionately. I never thought I’d get to learn so much about insects in my life, but I’m not going to complain.”

He chuckled, indicating them Tate’s group:

“Why don’t you join them for a while?”

Eddie looked at the group, glanced at Richie, before typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I don’t know if I really want to play...”_

Richie guessed that he was scared that they would start treating him as a child, and he grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly to show his support. He was there. Eddie was not alone. They could leave whenever he wanted to. 

Mr. Ripsom seemed decided to reassure him, telling him enthusiastically:

“Well, if you don’t feel at ease there, you could always join us at the debate group. I’m sure Betty will be delighted to have new listeners to infodump to. I should probably remind her that it’s not “Betty Ripsom’s TED Talk”, by the way… Let me introduce you to your group first, though.”

He guided them to the table, presenting them to everyone else before inviting them to sit down and participate in the game if they wanted to. Eddie and Richie looked at each other, unsure of what they were supposed to do. Everyone seemed nice, for sure, but the therapist and the few adults around who were supervising seemed actually “too” friendly, in a way that wasn’t pleasing for them. 

Eddie pulled on Richie’s sleeve, showing him a nearby table, where Tate was sitting on his own. The table was filled with various toys, from the classic Rubik’s cube to a 3D wooden puzzle, scattered all around. Tate was focusing on a metal coil, working to disentangle it, his leg slightly agitated under the table.

“Do you want to join him?”

Eddie nodded. He seemed less intimidated by the idea of hanging with someone than a whole group and the therapist too. Richie understood him. To be honest, he was intrigued by the guy too. He seemed unwilling to interact with anyone else, and he was definitely still glancing at the door, despite what the therapist told him earlier. Whoever his sister was, he seemed really attached to her…

“ _Can we go with Tate?”_

The therapist seemed a bit surprised by Eddie’s question. Richie wondered if she was startled that Eddie was talking at all. No one seemed really keen on communicating in the group, aside from following the game rules and giving the occasional nod. Richie was less and less sure that he was feeling at ease…

“Uh… I suppose, yes. He doesn’t interact with many people, aside from his sister, so I’m not sure you’ll be able to get anything out of him, but...”

“We’re not trying to get anything. He’ll talk to us if he wants to.”

Richie really didn’t like how she was talking about this guy, especially given how close he was. He probably heard all of that and, yet, she acted as if he couldn’t even comprehend her words or the tone she was using. The sooner they were away from her, the better it’ll be. Not waiting any longer, they got up from the table, joining Tate’s. 

“Hi.” Richie sat on a chair, next to Eddie, in front of Tate. The guy glanced up, his look focusing on Eddie for a moment, before he went back to his puzzle. Okay, so he was clearly not open to talking. No problem. Eddie wanted to be there so, as long as the guy wasn’t letting them know in any way that he didn’t want them there, Richie and his partner would stay. 

Eddie seemed interested in the Rubik’s cube and was about to take it, when Richie suggested:

“Maybe we should ask first...”

He wasn’t sure if the toys were his or if they belonged to the association, but he wasn’t sure that Tate would appreciate it if they started to mess with his stuff without his consent. Richie cleared his throat, trying to get his attention:

“Can we use the toys?”

Tate didn’t look up, and he didn’t make a move when Eddie reached tentatively for the Rubik’s Cube. He was probably okay with it, right? Richie hoped so, anyway. Eddie started to focus on the toy, moving its colored faces, and Richie gave him some pointers, while glancing at Tate here and there. 

The guy was already finished with his previous metal coil, having disentangled it all, and was working on a second one. That was probably one of his special interests, just like movies for Eddie, especially western flicks. He was always so happy whenever they got to watch one, even if he saw it multiple times already…

Eddie started to get frustrated, nowhere near completing the Rubik’s Cube, messing with the colored tiles. He let out an annoyed noise, and Richie could see that he was starting to get worked up:

“Hey, Eds, it’s just a game. Don’t worry, I’m terrible at this too. I never solved one before.”

“ _But I should be able to! It seems easy!”_

Richie chuckled at his words:

“Yeah, no, trust me, Eddie Spaghetti, it’s anything but easy.”

Eddie grunted as an answer, focusing back on the game. He thought that he was getting the hang of it, but he just had to turn the tiles a few times, and he was back to square one. Throwing away the toy, he whined frustratingly, shoving his fingers between his lips to bite on them. 

“Hey, hey, Eds, it’s okay, it’s fine, you don’t have to...”

Richie doubted that it was only about the game and how it frustrated him. This whole environment was stress-inducing. The fact that they clearly separated verbal and non-verbal people and that they were treated differently was a definitive red flag, and it didn’t stop there. 

Richie had noticed the flyers and posters on the wall, mostly addressed to family members rather than the autistic people themselves. The way the parents there kept a tight watch on their children, regardless of their age, especially if they were in the non-verbal group. It was… It was not good.

The debate group further away looked better, but they probably were all verbal, and even Mr. Ripsom seemed to hesitate a little before offering Eddie to join them afterward, if he wanted to. As if there was a clear wall between them all… It wasn’t what Eddie and Richie were looking for. It wasn’t for them.

Richie caressed Eddie’s jaw, trying to get him to relax. He shook his head when the therapist nearby started to get closer, pretty sure that she was going to make it worse. Richie whispered reassuring words to him, caressing his hair, but he wasn’t the one who managed to get Eddie to relax. It was Tate.

At some point, Tate got closer to them, sitting on the empty chair next to Eddie. The Rubik’s cube in his hand, he let out a single word, getting Eddie’s attention:

“Look.”

Slowly, he started to move the colored tiles, showing Eddie how to solve it. Eddie went back to sucking on his fingers, focusing on the toy and Tate’s hands, expertly manipulating it. Richie had no doubt that the guy could solve it in a few minutes if he wanted to, but he was explicitly taking his time so that Eddie would be able to follow it all. 

“That’s amazing! Tate, you’re being so nice!”

Richie jumped on his seat, startled, when the therapist interrupted them, even though he said to her earlier that she shouldn’t come. Her presence caused a noticeable shift in their small group, Tate closing himself off, Eddie biting again on his fingers, whining around them, and hugging his plush as if his life depended on it. Richie shushed his boyfriend gently, caressing his cheek and hoping to calm him down, while the woman seemed unaware of the trouble she was currently causing:

“Tate’s never interacted on his own with anyone else here! His sister is going to be so happy. You have no idea!”

And now, she was talking to Richie, as if Tate and Eddie weren’t there. Exactly what Richie feared might happen… 

“I knew it would be a good thing when Mark told me that Eddie Kaspbrak was joining us. He was always so sweet on TV...”

That’s it. Cupping Eddie’s face softly, who seemed quite distressed, Richie told him that he would be back in a few seconds. Grabbing the therapist’s arm, he guided her further away, trying to keep his anger under control:

“Okay, listen to me...”

Richie read the name on her badge, before speaking up again:

“Mrs. Grady. Listen to me. Never, never mention Eddie’s past again, is that clear? You don’t talk about his mom, her books, her association, his TV appearances, his interviews, his documentary, any of that! He’ll talk about that if he wants to, but you don’t get to force him to listen to that, you hear me?”

Richie was probably more aggressive than he should be, but he couldn’t help it. The look on Eddie’s face… If he wasn’t regressing after that, it was a miracle. Mrs. Grady was about to retort something, but Richie didn’t let her do so:

“And don’t talk about him as if he’s not there. Or about Tate either, for that matter. You know what? Don’t talk to us at all. We’ll stay in our lane, you’ll stay in yours. If Eddie wants to come back here, he will, but even if he does, you stay out of it, alright?”

For a second, she seemed stunned, and Richie jumped on the opportunity to go back to Eddie. He saw her walking furiously towards Mr. Ripsom and getting in a heated discussion with him, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to make sure Eddie was okay. 

And fortunately, it seemed that it was the case. Tate was just finishing to show him how to complete a Rubik’s cube, and they were now working on a puzzle together, Tate starting from the center while Eddie was focusing on the corners. Eddie raised his head as soon as Richie sat next to him, hugging him and moaning happily. Richie ruffled his hair, smiling back at him:

“You seem to have fun.”

Eddie nodded, grabbing Richie’s arm, signing to him quickly:

_You can participate too!_

Richie grinned at his words and thanked him jokingly for allowing him to take part in their game. Before he did so, he glanced at Tate, telling him with a gentle voice:

“I’m Richie. Nice to meet you.”

Tate put a puzzle piece where it was supposed to go, before giving a nod at Richie and mumbling:

“Tate.”

He handed a piece to Richie, showing him where it was supposed to go, and Richie complied, putting it at its right place. Together, they completed the jigsaw puzzle, a complicated pattern that would have probably taken them hours and hours of work if Tate wasn’t there to make it easier for them. Eddie high-fived Richie as soon as they finished, raising his hand towards Tate to see if he wanted to do so as well. He looked at Eddie’s hand for a moment, a bit unsure, and he slowly tapped it, nowhere near as enthusiastically as Eddie previously did, but Eddie was gleeful nonetheless. 

They played for a while, and Tate opened up a bit to them. He was close to non-verbal, only using one word at a time, visibly having to put some effort to get them out. Otherwise, he was using a communication board, which was definitely more limited than Eddie’s lightwriter, only allowing him a handful of words and sentences to communicate. He also had a notebook he could write on. 

His writing was messier than Eddie’s, and they had to focus quite a lot to understand what Tate was writing, but he was communicating, nonetheless. In his own way.

He was definitely passionate when it came to puzzles, and other brain teasers, and his face lighted up when Eddie told him that he loved comic books. Tate showed them enthusiastically a page of his notebook, filled to the brim with copies of the iconic question mark from “The Riddler”, one of Batman’s nemesis. Richie mentioned the movie “Batman Forever” released the year before, featuring the character, and Tate flapped his hands happily, quickly followed by Eddie. 

Richie couldn’t stop smiling, witnessing their interactions. There was something special between them, something that Richie couldn’t quite comprehend, as much as he’d like to. It was the first time Eddie interacted with an autistic person, and it was probably a first for Tate too. 

He didn’t seem too keen on talking to other people, but Richie was suspecting that he was mostly uneasy with the fact that they were trying to get him to communicate and act in a way that was unnatural to him.

No one here was trying to stop him from stimming or asking him to use his words or praising him endlessly and ridiculously because he decided that he felt enough at ease to talk with them. Eddie related to him on a deep level, and Richie wasn’t about to force Tate or his boyfriend to try to act “less autistic”. On the contrary.

The hours went by quickly, and soon, it was time for Eddie and Richie to leave. They had a bit of driving to do before being home, and Mike was probably waiting for them. Eddie saluted his new friend, who handed him one of his pages filled with questions marks as a gift, writing on top of it to ask Eddie if he was going to come back.

Tate looked hopeful, and Eddie didn’t hesitate at all. He nodded, a big smile on his lips:

“ _Of course, I’ll come back. Next time, I’ll bring my chessboard.”_

Tate nodded, tapping softly on his cheeks, a single word making its way out of his throat:

“Eddie.”

Eddie attempted to say his name back, but only managed to articulate the first syllable, despite his best efforts. Tate seemed to appreciate it, though, bouncing lightly on his feet. Richie and Eddie were about to leave when Mr. Ripsom stopped them. Richie thought that he might scold him for the way he talked to the therapist, but his expression was definitely apologetic:

“I’m sorry about my colleague. We definitely disagree on a lot of topics, and you were right to tell her off.”

“I did, but she’s still treating everyone else in the group like they’re freaking toddlers or something. It’s… It’s not right!”

Mr. Ripsom sighed, rubbing his neck:

“You’re not wrong, Richie, but my hands are tied. She’s the reason a lot of the autistic people you saw in your group are allowed to come here. Their parents, they trust her to handle their kids. If she wasn’t there, they wouldn’t be allowed to be there and to interact with each other. They would just stay at home all day.”

They trusted her just like they trusted Sonia Kaspbrak and her lies. This therapist had probably bought every book Mrs. K. ever wrote about Eddie and the abuse she put him through, praising it wholeheartedly. It was unfair. But Richie knew that the man was telling the truth. That she was the reason why most of the people here were able to have a moment together, away from their home, away from a life that probably wasn’t so different from the one Eddie used to have with his mom, minus the fame. And it was infuriating to think about.

“I’m glad you’re coming back, though. Who knows, maybe things could finally start to change… Tate never really interacted with anyone else if his sister wasn’t there, so it’s a good sign. You’re bringing something much needed here. I...”

Mr. Ripsom was interrupted by his daughter, who handed him a dead ant, a proud smile on her lips:

“Look, dad, I found a Formica Rufa! And it’s a queen! I hope they have multiple ones, otherwise, the whole colony is going to die…”

Richie clearly saw him twitching when his daughter put the ant in his hand, but Mr. Ripsom still smiled back at his daughter, giving it back:

“We’ll put it with the others, alright? You’re starting to have quite the collection, Betty.”

“I can’t put it with the others, dad! It’s a queen! It should have its specific place!”

She proceeded to explain to him why the colony would most likely die without its queen, and he listened attentively to her, nodding from time to time. Richie and Eddie glanced at each other, before waving at them and going back to their car. 

Maybe it wasn’t all bad… Mark Ripsom seemed genuinely involved in his daughter’s life and interests, and she seemed to love him just as much as he did. It was just this therapist and her influence on their group…

Richie sat back in the car, sending a quick text to Mike to reassure him. Eddie sat next to him, fidgeting with his plush’s ear with one hand, the other clutching preciously to the paper that Tate handed him. Richie smiled at the sight, and he got closer to Eddie, kissing him on the cheek:

“So, it wasn’t all bad, I’m guessing?”

Eddie hummed thoughtfully. He carefully folded the paper, putting it in his pocket, before leaning against Richie, hugging him tenderly. 

“ _Thank you for staying with me.”_

Eddie cooed softly, while Richie’s heartbeat was accelerating slightly. He didn’t know if he had been too much or not enough, if he should have taken his distances when Eddie started to socialize with Tate or if he had been too much on the side. He didn’t really know what kind of role he was supposed to fill in, in their strange little group. But Eddie wanted him there, and he thanked him for doing so.

Richie must have been doing alright, then. He tenderly kissed Eddie’s forehead, before turning on the car. Eddie fastened his seat-belt, before grabbing his lightwriter, babbling about Tate and how much it had been fun, hanging out with him. That he hoped they would be able to see each other, outside of the association.

Richie couldn’t deny that a tiny part of him was jealous, jealous to see Eddie warming up so quickly to someone he barely knew, but it was easy to make it shut up. He just had to look at Eddie and see how happy he was for the bad feeling to go away. It was a good thing for Eddie. It was a really good thing, indeed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Eddie finally got a first taste of the autism association and... yeah, not so great. I wanted to showcase some common problems in this type of organization: too focused on the family members and not the autistic people themselves, not enough interactions between verbal and nonverbal people, how it's less focused on getting autistic people to meet and know each other and more on getting them to socialize in a more neurotypical way and so on...
> 
> I took part in a social skills class and yeah, it was pretty much the idea. They focused more on us learning to act and talk in a more "neurotypical way", rather than giving us real pointers on how to feel more at ease in society, with other people and so on. It was definitely more about putting other people's comfort first, not our comfort. It's bad.
> 
> Anyway, Eddie got to meet another autistic person and he had a good time with him! I'll introduce him to other autistic people in the group here and there, but Tate was the first to pop into my mind. I wanted to show how differently Tate and Eddie could behave, despite the fact that both of them are nonverbal and autistic. Eddie is more open, but has less control over his emotions, for example, while Tate is more closed-off and is calmer and more patient. I really wanted to portray them both as characters and not just a list of traits, as it's often the case in fiction when it comes to autistic characters, unfortunately.
> 
> Tate will come back and I have some stuff planned for him, so I hope you'll like him!
> 
> I'd really like to know what you thought about his character and the chapter in general, so don't hesitate to comment c:. You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it, as well as subscribe to this story or the series.
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this chapter! Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Welcome to the 10th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you'll like it c:. I think I'm going to write more and more often from Mike's POV, I really like doing so! I was so inspired I forgot all about how tired I was (despite the fact that I slept less than ten hours in two days xD). 
> 
> Thank you all for your support! I hope you're all doing okay c:. 
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of emetophobia  
> TW for mention of casual ableism  
> TW for mention of abuse
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

It's been a while since Mike had the opportunity to hang out with Richie and Richie alone. It reminded him a bit of those years they spent together in Derry, the last remaining members of the Losers Club, trying to be there for the other while mending their own aching hearts. But things had changed. Richie was nowhere near the brooding teenager he used to be, mourning for his friend and lover that he thought he would never be able to see again.

He was back to being his loud, obnoxious and endearing self, so bright in his own way that Mike couldn't help, but follow him, like a moth captivated by a dancing flame. A flame that wouldn't burn him, warm, tender, and comforting.

Richie was always the most talkative, between the both of them, letting his energy run wild, his motormouth sputtering words after words in a way that made Mike wonder if his friend's vocal cords were directly linked to his brain.

He didn't mind, far from it. It left him the time to collect his thoughts and decide what he wanted to say and when he wished to do so. And Richie was attentive too. When Mike wanted to talk, Richie shut his mouth and listened to him, giving him his full focus. Mike was aware that it was a conscious effort for Richie, given how volatile his thoughts could be. And he appreciated it.

They had their own dynamic, way different from the one Mike shared with Eddie or how they would interact once they were all together. With Richie, Mike felt bolder. He would allow himself to be a little bit more impulsive, slightly childish, the kind of stuff he was still having trouble to let himself do otherwise. But not with Richie. With his friend, it just seemed natural to let go.

He was actually doing so right now, invested in the arcade game they were both playing, trying his best to win against Richie, who pretended that he wasn't going easy on him, a genuine grin on his face. At the moment Mike thought he was going to win, Richie dropped the facade and turned the game over, defeating Mike's character.

He let out a curse word, while Richie was ostensibly celebrating his victory, earning a sigh coming from Mike, that, he admitted, was fond rather than really annoyed. As if he could genuinely be angry against his friend at the moment… A soft smile on his lips, Mike admitted his defeat out loud:

"Alright, alright, you won. It's not really an incredible feat, I haven't been to an arcade room in years."

Richie laughed, patting Mike's shoulder. Mike stopped tensing whenever he was touched a while ago. He had gotten used to how Richie could be tactile with his friends and his folks, so different from Mike's relationship with his own family. It wasn't that he didn't love his grandparents, they just… they just didn't express it that way, that was all. Soft touches were rare, and hugs even rarer. But not with Richie. Nor Eddie, for that matter.

To be honest, Mike didn't hate it. He even appreciated it at times. It could be overwhelming sometimes, though. But not right now. Right now, it was just good. Perfectly fine.

Mike rubbed his eyes, not used to focus for so long on a video game. He enjoyed playing those with his friends, but not much more. He wouldn't come here on his own, and he'd rather spend his time reading than playing, but he liked sharing this activity with Richie. He definitely needed a break, though.

"A time out would be great. It seems like the weather is pretty nice for now, how about spending some time in the park nearby?"

Richie was still pumped up and full of energy, but he adapted to Mike's needs and agreed to his plan, letting go of the joystick he was ready to use again. Mike thanked him, and Richie shrugged his shoulders, smiling to his friend:

"No need to thank me, Mike. We had fun doing my thing, now we can rest a little and do your stuff, whatever it is. Although if you're offering to read Bill's book in public, I gotta have to say no. I'd like to keep my freak out to the privacy of my bedroom, thank you very much."

Mike chuckled at his words. He knew that Richie wasn't exaggerating in the slightest when he talked about the kind of fear that Bill's first published book was inspiring him. The clown was a terrifying creature, for sure. Mike felt definitely more uneasy about the whole dreaded atmosphere of the story, this looming threat hanging over the group of friends that the reader was following through their adventures…

It managed to be subtle and raw simultaneously, grasping Mike's focus like no book before ever did. He liked to think that Bill was really that talented and that he wasn't just pining over his best friend's creation, without an inkling of objectivity. No, Mike wasn't a fanboy, he just… He really liked Bill's story, period. That he already read twice. And that he was currently reading a third time. Not that Richie had to know that, though…

Stretching his limbs while exiting the arcade and chasing those thoughts away, Mike shook his head, smiling at Richie and reassuring him:

"I'll be content with a little walk around the park and to rest on a bench afterward. No need to bring out the scary clown in the open."

Mike often thought of himself as "boring", even though the few times he said it out loud earned him protests from his friends. It wasn't necessarily in a bad way, he just liked to sit down and observe the passage of time here and there, pondering on his own thoughts. He found that relaxing and much needed, given how agitated and wild the world tended to be at all times. Sometimes, he needed to lie back and slow down.

Which was the opposite of Richie, always moving, talking, thinking quickly. But it was good for him to take a break when he could. They both knew it. Mike brought to Richie the quiet and peace that he was missing in his life. Together, they found a balance.

Eddie wasn't there with them today. He had called Maggie and Went earlier this week, arranging with them to go out. Eddie suggested not so subtly that Mike and Richie could spend time together while he was doing so. Of course, his sudden leave and the fact that he didn't want Richie around wasn't related at all to his birthday, occurring in a week or so. Not at all.

But Richie was a good egg, and he played along, appreciating his boyfriend's efforts to surprise and please him. Mike already knew that the Losers would come for the weekend, managing to free two whole days from their busy schedule after having missed their chance at the last minute for their housewarming party. They would celebrate it at Beverly's aunt's house, and Mike's lips were definitely sealed on the matter. Eddie was decided to keep it a total surprise for Richie, and Mike wouldn't undermine his efforts. For now, all he had to do was to keep Richie busy, and he was more than happy to.

Richie's thoughts were not so different from his own, since he said out loud, a tender smile on his lips:

"You saw how Eddie had to hide his grin behind his hand when I asked him what he would do with my mom and dad? That was so goddamn cute. He really thinks I have no idea that he's planning something for my birthday. I just don't know what it is, that's all. Not yet, anyway."

He glanced at Mike, who shook his head, rolling his eyes at Richie's curious expression, definitely lying to him:

"I don't know a thing. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

"I'm pretty sure I can bribe you with books."

Mike laughed openly at his suggestion, amused by his friend's reasoning:

"Richie, I'm working at a library. If I want a book, I can borrow it there. Or I can suggest to buy it and wait for it to arrive. You definitely can't bribe me using books, silly."

Richie pouted at his words, and Mike laughed even more. Richie was always so expressive… Mike tended to have a more neutral face, with a shy smile here and there, but he managed to be more open when he was with his friend. Still, he was nowhere near the level of expressiveness reached by Richie. Richie, who insisted for Mike to reveal his secret, a secret that Mike would definitely keep hidden until it was time for Richie to know what it was all about:

"Come on, Mike! I could get you a signed copy of one of your favorite books."

"Do you know how expensive that would be?"

Probably not. Typical of Richie, definitely.

"Besides, you're still unemployed."

"Ouch! Low blow, Mike! Not cool, dude!"

Richie pretended to be offended, but he was over-exaggerating, as he often did to try to get a laugh out of his friends. It was pretty easy to notice the difference between this attitude and whenever Richie was truly hurt. For Mike, anyway, it seemed obvious.

"It's not like I'm not job-hunting. I gave my resume to this pub recently, I think I have my chances. There's an open mic stage there, it looks cool as fuck. If I had the job, I could try to perform for free here and there."

Mike raised an eyebrow at Richie's words, curious. His friend had always been the "class clown", happy to be the center of attention as long as he was controlling it, usually by joking or making use of his Voices. But actually performing in front of a crowd? That would be a first…

"Is it something you'd like to do? Perform on stage, I mean?"

Richie shrugged. Spotting a bench nearby, they both sit on it, Richie shaking his legs slightly while Mike was keeping himself steady, hands clasped together.

"I don't know. I just thought it could be neat, when I saw that. I don't really know what I want to do. I spent so long looking for Eddie and being there for him and his recovery, and now that he can stand on his own, I realize that I never took the time to ask myself who I wanted to be, aside from being his loving boyfriend."

Mike nodded slowly, thinking a while about it. He could understand Richie, in some way. For so long, Mike just followed his friends around, happy that they wanted him by their side, but once they started to leave, he began to feel lost and confused. He had been terrified to be left behind all alone, as if he would suddenly become a nobody because he thought that he could only define himself through his friends' love and affection. That, without them, he was empty. No one.

But Mike found his way, his own dreams, who he wanted to be, and what he wanted to do. He knew the kind of person he wanted to be, and he was working towards this goal, day after day. And even though he could rely on his friends to be there for him and support him, he was able to define himself aside from them.

He was sure Richie would be able to do so as well. That he would do great things on his own. And Mike would cheer him and support him, just as much as Eddie. He truly believed it.

"Maybe I'd like to perform. To make people laugh. Forget a bit about their problems and all."

"There's nothing stopping you. Even if you don't get the job."

Richie laughed at Mike's words, shaking his legs a bit more:

"I'm pretty sure my anxiety thinks otherwise, but fuck it. I'll do it. At least once. I just need some material."

"You know you can count on me, right? If you want some feedback."

Richie turned his head towards him, smiling and patting Mike's shoulder once again. Always so tactile…

"Yeah, I know, Mikey Mike. Thanks. But I'm far from being ready to give it a try. I don't even know what I would talk about."

Mike wished he could give him some pointers, but it was nowhere near his range of skills. Mike wasn't a performer. He'd rather stay comfortable in the shadow, coming to light when he felt safe enough to do so, surrounded by his friends. He still suggested, twisting his fingers slightly:

"I guess you could talk about yourself. I mean, that's what a lot of comedians do, right?"

Richie looked at him, silent for a whole minute. He finally muttered, scratching his neck nervously:

"Maybe not."

He said louder, forcing a grin on his lips:

"I'm pretty sure I could get some laughs with my imitations. My Voices are definitely getting better. Have you heard my Chewbacca impression yet?"

"Yes, I..."

Regardless of Mike's answer, Richie still launched himself into his Voice, so loud that they startled an old lady nearby, who gave them a furious glance afterward. Mike finished his sentence, giggling despite himself:

"… I heard it before. A lot."

It was good, nonetheless. Mike had to admit that. Richie definitely got better with his imitations, his accents, the characters he was playing here and there to get a laugh out of Eddie or himself. Maybe it would be enough for him to perform? Mike didn't know about that, but he hoped that, if Richie managed to do it, he would have fun and feel satisfied. The last thing he wanted to happen was for his friend to freeze up or, even worse, throw up, as he sometimes did when he was too anxious.

For a while, they kept on talking, unbothered by the time that was quickly passing by, able to bounce back and forth in an endless and entertaining discussion. They started to converse about Bill's book at some point, Richie pouring his feelings out, not hiding how much he was freaking out about the whole thing:

"Dude, it's just so creepy! How did Bill come up with this stuff? I swear now, every time I see a freaking red balloon, I'm getting the heebies-jeebies! I'm sure he picked a clown specifically because he knows that it makes me freak out! He's the worst!"

Mike chuckled at his friend's rant. He was probably not wrong. Mike could definitely see where Bill was getting his inspiration, seeing parts of himself and his friends in the characters he wrote. They weren't exactly like them, but there was definitely something familiar about it. Something almost comforting. Well, right until the end, anyway.

"That fucking ending was bullshit, though. Why couldn't they all survive? Why are they all splitting up, never seeing each other again? It sucks. I'll tell him that in person next time I'll see Bill. He sucks. His ending sucks. Bleh."

Mike couldn't agree more. He would have liked a happier ending for the group, but it was Bill's story. He wanted it to end like that, and Mike wouldn't fight him on the subject. Besides, he was pretty sure that, among the characters who survived and got to be happy (or as much as they could), there was the one inspired by himself…

"It's not that bad, Richie, you're exaggerating."

Richie glanced at him, a grin slowly taking place on his face:

"What? I'm not allowed to criticize Bill's work? Why?"

"I didn't say that, I just… Never mind."

Richie chuckled, poking his cheek with his index finger:

"Come on, admit it. You're only telling that because it's written by Bill. If I wrote it, you wouldn't hesitate to tell me how much it sucks. But because it's Big Bill, it's awesome, right?"

"Beep beep, Richie."

It's been a while since Mike used those words, especially so seriously. Richie took the hint and dropped the subject, biting his bottom lip. Mike's tone had definitely been too harsh, and he knew it. He… He wasn't ready to talk about that. He didn't want to, that's all.

But he needed to talk about Bill. Mike let out a sigh, caressing his neck in a nervous motion. He was worried about his friend. And he wondered if he was the only one to see what was probably going on with him…

"Did you… Did you notice something different about Bill?"

Richie clearly didn't expect Mike's question. Fidgeting with his glasses, shaking his legs, he pondered on the question for a while, before he finally shrugged:

"Dunno. Aside from his "I wrote a book, guys, tell me what you think about it, it's terrible, right? It's awesome, right? I'm the worst! I really did it, though!" phase, you mean?"

Mike couldn't help but smile at Richie's impression. He was definitely close to the way Bill gushed to him on the phone when he sent them their books and started to worry about the quality of his story, if it was even worth publishing it. Of course, Mike had reassured him because Bill was truly talented, and people would see that too. He just knew it.

"Yeah. Aside from that phase."

"Not really. We chat on the phone here and there. He's quite busy. He's happy that we're planning on visiting him."

Mike knew all of that. But it wasn't what he noticed. Sighing, he asked Richie, clasping his hands together a bit too tightly:

"His stutter… It's less pronounced, right?

They never talked about this stuff, whether between them or with the person concerned. Unless they decided to talk about it first. They didn't force Stanley to talk about his OCD or tried to get Bev to share with them how she was still frightened whenever a man was making a sudden move too close to her. They respected their privacy, and all of them knew that they could talk about their issues if they wanted to and would find a listening and understanding audience.

Bill's stutter was one of these subjects. It was just part of Bill, and they barely mentioned it at all. Until Mike did it. He looked intently at Richie, who was trying to remember some of the conversations he had recently with Bill:

"Now that you mention it, yeah, I guess so. Is that an issue?"

Mike wasn't sure. He just had a feeling, something he couldn't stop thinking about. He wasn't entirely sure why, but he was definitely worried about that. About Bill. Mike needed to talk about it to someone, and Richie was there. He was listening. Mike needed him to.

"I don't know. He… It was never something that mattered to him, right? He did the exercises his parents told him to, but he didn't care that he was stuttering, as long as he could get his piece out. He knew that it was what he was saying that was important and not how he was telling it all."

Others could laugh, mock him for his stutter, but as long as he had his friends supporting him and looking up to him, Bill didn't give a fuck about them. That's what he told Mike a long time ago, when they were still teenagers, hanging together. Kids were imitating his stutter behind his back, while he was ordering candies at the store, but he didn't even spare them a glance. Mike didn't know how he managed to be so strong, so… so freaking cool.

But things had changed. Worryingly changed.

"You know the first thing he told me during our last conversation was that he was proud of the progress he made with his speech therapist? He spent five whole minutes talking about that, as if his stutter was something shameful that he should hide forever. He never talked like that before. He..."

Mike bit his bottom lip. He couldn't tell Richie this part. How Bill carelessly suggested to him that Eddie could see a speech therapist too, that it might help him to communicate, just as it did for himself. As if Eddie wasn't communicating already. As if Bill had no idea how hurtful it was for their friend to even try to talk verbally. Richie would be definitely angry if he knew about that, and Mike wasn't sure he'd be able to think about that calmly.

"I don't know. I'm worried. Maybe Audra is pressuring him to get rid of his stutter?"

"His girlfriend? You really think so?"

Richie seemed slightly puzzled, which prompted Mike to snap back, losing his cool in a way that was so uncharacteristic of him:

"Yes, I fucking think so! And I'm not saying that because I'm jealous of her! I'm not."

Richie raised his arms in a peace gesture, a concerned expression on his face:

"Wow, wow, Mike, relax, I didn't say that. I… I don't know about her, but you might be onto something. Bill was never that invested in the speech therapy sessions his parents put him through."

Mike felt a deep relief at Richie's words, asking him for confirmation:

"You believe me, then?"

Richie remained silent for a second, as if he was shocked that Mike could even think about him giving a negative answer, before putting his hand on Mike's shoulder, squeezing it gently:

"Of course, Mikey Mike. I trust you. Why wouldn't I?"

Mike shrugged. He didn't really know why. He just thought that Richie might tell him that he was being ridiculous or that he was only guided by his feelings, whatever they were, for Bill. He wasn't. And Richie confirmed that he was right to worry.

"You think I should talk to him about that?"

Mike shook his head at Richie's offer. He wasn't sure it was the right course of action. Not over the phone anyway. Bill was supposed to bring his girlfriend with him for Richie's surprise party, it would allow him to see if she was really pressuring him or if he was merely imagining it. Mike had a bad feeling about Audra, and he wasn't sure of its cause… He definitely didn't have this impression when it came to Patty, no matter how much Stanley gushed over her.

But no, it wasn't because he was _jealous._ He was worried, that was all. He needed to be sure that Bill was okay and happy. That he wasn't coerced into trying to become someone else than he was. He had every reason to believe that Bill was not feeling so comfortable in his own skin at the moment…

"I don't know what to do." Mike sighed, lowering his head down. "I'm worried, and we're so far apart… What if he's pushing himself too hard? What if he starts hating himself? He was doing so much better once he left Derry, I… I don't want him to feel helpless, far from us. I want to help."

Richie nodded with an understanding expression. He seemed decided to put his jokes aside at the moment, and Mike was clearly grateful. He couldn't handle it if Richie didn't take it seriously and started to mock him or his feelings. He was definitely worried, and he needed to know that his concern was valid.

"We could call him more often, for a start." Richie distractedly caressed Mike's hair, as he was used to doing whenever Eddie was upset or in need of comfort. Mike couldn't hold back the smile on his face at the thought. "Make sure he's okay and all. Try to get him to talk about something else rather than his speech therapy. Heck, I'll listen to him talking about his stupid clown if I have to!"

Richie chuckled, but he quickly went back to being serious, thinking deeply about the subject.

"We'll see what we can do. And if it seems that there's really something wrong next time we'll see him, then we will hold an intervention with the Losers Club, and we'll help however we can. Even if it means kidnapping him to save him from the terrible influence of his witch girlfriend that you're absolutely not jealous of!"

It didn't last long. Mike rolled his eyes at Richie's cackle, although he wasn't really annoyed. Richie was trying to get him to laugh, but he did take him seriously. That's all that mattered.

"That's rich coming from you, Richie. I swore you hugged Eddie like a goddamn octopus each time he started to gush over Tate, how awesome he was, and how much he's impatient to see him again."

Richie froze at his words. He let out a weak laugh, fidgeting with his glasses:

"Was it that obvious?"

"Eddie's probably the only one who didn't see it. I'm guessing that's because he loves you so much that he can't even think for a second that you might be jealous of his new friend."

Mike was sincere. He knew that there was no chance that Eddie would ever turn away from Richie because of his new friend. But he didn't belittle Richie's feeling anyway. How could he? He knew what it was like to be jealous and how scary it was to think that you could lose the person you love to someone else who might not be keen on sharing him…

"I know that it's a good thing. Really. I'm happy for him, and Tate seems like a good guy. But… But you haven't seen their interactions. The way they got each other. They didn't even need words. I… I'm afraid I'll never be able to bring that to Eddie. That he deserved better than what I can give to him."

Mike forced himself to get touchy, putting his hand on Richie's shoulder to show him his support. Richie glanced at him, his weak smile getting slightly wider at the gesture. 

"What you have with Eddie is unique, and what he has with Tate is unique too. Their relationship is different from the one you're sharing, but it doesn't mean it's better or worse. It doesn't mean that he has to stop loving you because of him. You were never worried about me when I started to work with Eddie, right?"

Richie confirmed Mike's words, allowing him to continue:

"But we did share something that you don't have with Eddie. He doesn't talk about books to you the way he talks about them to me. Does that mean that we should date? No, not at all. Eddie is my dear friend, and I love him, but I'll never love him the way you do, and it's the same for him. Of course, what he has with Tate is particular, he's the first autistic person he really got to interact with. But it's not about you and him, it doesn't change his feelings towards you. You have to trust him."

Mike started to see Richie's eyes watering, but he quickly got over it, wiping his face:

"For fuck's sake, I'm ridiculous. And I'm the worst. I shouldn't feel those things..."

Mike shook his head once again, poking Richie's cheek:

"Stop with the self-deprecating speech. You're jealous, it can happen. It's not the way that you feel that matters, but how you're handling your feelings. Do you plan on trying to separate Tate and Eddie?"

Richie looked offended at the idea, and he immediately answered, in a near-shout:

"No!" 

People around glanced at him, and he cleared his throat, saying less loudly:

"Of course not. I'll never do that. If Eddie wants to see Tate, then I'll make it possible."

"And this is what makes you a good boyfriend, Richie. Because you're putting his interest first and you don't want to keep him for you only. You know how important it is for Eddie to interact with his peers, and you're encouraging it. That's a choice that you're making, and it matters more than the pang of jealousy that you might feel."

Mike didn't know if he was going to be able to be as graceful as Richie, when it came to Bill. Okay, sure, he might be a bit jealous of Audra. Just a tiny little bit. And he was definitely not happy when he thought about Bill with her, no matter how hard he tried to. He just couldn't.

Mike would know for sure what kind of person he was once he would meet her. If she was decent, if she was loving, he couldn't justify feeling suspicious of her anymore, right? He'll have to welcome her in Bill's life and his own. But the mere thought was enough to clench his heart, and his throat, and Mike wasn't ready to deal with what it meant.

"Can we go home? I think Eddie's going to arrive pretty soon. We could cook him something."

Mike wasn't really proud of him at the moment, but he knew that the easiest way for Richie to let go of something was to focus on Eddie. And it worked. He immediately smiled widely, getting up quickly from the bench:

"You're definitely right, Mikey Mike! I'm going to cook him the best pasta he ever had! Spaghetti Alla Carbonara for my cutie Spagheddie!"

Richie was all giddy, forgetting temporarily about Mike's deal, and it's precisely what Mike needed. Time. Time to digest his thoughts and feelings. Time to know the person that he was becoming whenever Bill was in his thoughts. How Mike would act when he'll be around with his… with Audra. Time was all that he needed, for now…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, it's been a while since I wrote a chapter only featuring Mike and Richie! It was bit weird to stray away from Eddie, but he'll be back in the next chapter c:. He definitely wants Richie to have the best birthday ever x). 
> 
> As for Richie and Mike, they had a lot to talk about and they have to deal with their jealousy. It's not something I ever experienced when it comes to love, I even encouraged my ex to find someone that he could have sex with, since I'm myself asexual and he felt frustrated about that. Thinking of him with another person never really upset me. So putting myself in Richie and Mike's shoes is not so easy, but I tried c:.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to let me know what you thought about it :D. I'd love to read your comments, if you want to! You can also leave kudos if you feel like it, as well as subscribing to this story/series if you didn't do it already c:. 
> 
> Take care! Have a nice day and see you soon!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Here's the 11th chapter of this fanfic! Gosh, when I'm looking back at the start of this fanfic, I can't believe how much I've written since then. I definitely didn't plan to write so much, but you really motivated me throughout this whole story :D. Thank you all for your support c:.
> 
> I hope you'll like this chapter! Here are the TW for this one:
> 
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of ableism
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Richie wasn’t suspecting a thing, Eddie made sure of that. He intended to keep it all a surprise and, thankfully, his boyfriend didn’t guess his mind games, letting him spend time with Maggie and Went without following suit. Eddie was pretty proud of himself, to be honest. He couldn’t wait for Richie’s birthday and how happy his partner would be, surrounded by his friends and family.

He had been scared that some of the Losers might not come, but, fortunately, they all managed to free their schedule this time, all too happy to be able to spend a moment with each other and celebrate Richie’s birthday. 21 years old… That was a big step. Eddie couldn’t believe how quickly time passed, since he left his mother and went back to Derry, living with Richie and his parents. He started this journey afraid, unable to stand up for himself, or to make a single choice without risking to break down.

And now, Eddie was living independently, with Richie and Mike. He even managed to go out all alone, something he had never done before. He was making his own choices constantly and was working on himself with his therapist, so that he’d be able to outlive his terrible past and the trauma he was still dealing with. The progress was slow, and he was taking a step back here and there, but, nonetheless, Eddie was marching forward. He wasn’t his mother’s puppet anymore.

Richie’s parents went to their flat, so that they’ll be able to drive Eddie around and help him prepare everything for Richie’s birthday. Truth to be told, he would have liked to be able to do it all alone, but he wasn’t ready yet to stay outside for so long without anyone around. In a crowded place, furthermore. He didn’t want to risk a meltdown or regress at such a place, knowing that it was a real possibility, given how anxious the thought was making him feel.

At least, he could rely on Went and Maggie right now, if something like that were to happen. Eddie hoped not. He wanted to have a good day with his family and to be able to buy everything he needed for Richie. A few gifts, of course, but he also wanted birthday supplies, something that would allow them to have a real party. Maybe the thought was slightly childish, but Eddie never had the opportunity to take part in this kind of event before.

He always celebrated his birthday with his mother and no one else around. He had never been invited to other kids’ party and, even if he had, he doubted his mom would have let him go. And if she did, she would have probably make sure to drown the other parents with so many recommendations regarding his health and his well-being that Eddie wouldn’t have been able to do a single thing. This birthday party for Richie, it would be his first. And he wanted it to be good. Real good. Richie deserved the best, after all.

A hand ruffled his hair and pulled Eddie from his thoughts. He looked up, smiling at Went, who was looking at him with a gaze full of affection, asking him then:

“Where should we go first?”

Eddie thought a bit about it. Starting with the gifts would probably a good thing. It would put his mind at ease, and, then, he’ll be able to focus on the rest without stressing about not finding anything for Richie. He typed on his lightwriter, smiling at those he considered his own parents:

“ _Gifts first. We’ll see for the rest afterward.”_

“Gifts it is, then! Do you have an idea about it, or should we just wander and see what we could find?”

Eddie hadn’t the slightest clue about that. What did he want to buy for Richie? He knew that he wanted something that showed that he cared, that he was seeing Richie and seeing him well, that he knew him and loved him more than he could put it into words. Which was quite ambitious, he had to admit it. Maybe he’ll have to settle for less. Probably, even. But he still wanted to please Richie, and he’ll do what he can for that to happen.

Pondering on Maggie’s propositions, he finally offered an answer, gazing at his surroundings, looking for a good start:

“ _I don’t know yet. We could just look around, if that’s okay with you?”_

“Of course, it is, son.” Went patted his shoulder affectionately, Eddie’s heart filled with warmth at the tender gesture. “We’re spending the afternoon with you, we’re in no rush. And if we don’t find what we want today, then we’ll do it another day. It’s fine.”

Went and Maggie always tried to make sure that Eddie wasn’t feeling pressured or anxious. Even if they didn’t manage to do so every time, they were still attempting it, and it was well enough for Eddie. His own mother never cared much about that. She just wanted to know that he was still _hers,_ that he was under her thumb, and that she could do of him whatever she wished to.

The more he was thinking about her, talking with Dr. Park about his past and his life with his mom, the more he realized that she never truly loved him. Maybe she was unable to love at all, only in her twisted way. Has his father been a happy man, at her side? Eddie wished he was, that he had been able to smile at least a few times earnestly, to feel that he was right where he was supposed to be.

He missed his arms hugging him, even if Eddie couldn’t remember how it felt. He would have loved to tell him everything about the man he had become, his relationship with Richie, his friendships, and the wonderful people in his life… But he could only hope that, wherever he was, his father was proud of him. Even though Eddie wasn’t religious, he wanted to believe that his dad could see him and was happy with the person Eddie was.

Would he have loved Richie? Probably. Who wouldn’t? Aside from Bowers, of course. And the assholes in Derry. Derry didn’t count. Went and Maggie were the only good people there, and that was it. Greta got a free pass, only because she was trying not to be such a bad person anymore. Liz was helping, he was sure of that. They should probably try to get a hold of them at some point… Eddie would love to see Liz again, after all this time.

It was almost funny how easily Eddie could be distracted by his own thoughts. He had to be nudged by Maggie to focus back on reality and think about his next step. They entered a shop, but nothing seemed really attractive enough to catch his attention. The same thing happened in the next shop. And the next one again. Eddie was losing his patience after exploring five shops, and Went and Maggie coaxed him into taking a break.

After they bought smoothies, they sat on a bench, Eddie sulking and drinking. He couldn’t find a thing. Nothing was good enough for his boyfriend. He thought about getting stuff expressing his love to Richie explicitly, t-shirts for couples and all, but he doubted that it would really please him. If anything, it might even make him think that he should force himself to wear them on public, so that he wouldn’t vex Eddie. He really didn’t know what to do…

Maggie caressed his back tenderly, trying to keep him relaxed when Eddie was getting visibly agitated:

“It’s okay, Eddie. We still have time. You shouldn’t stress yourself so much about that. Richie will be happy with whatever you decided to get for him.”

Eddie let out a groan at the thought. He knew that, he knew that very well. But Eddie wanted his happiness to be sincere and not just because he was his boyfriend, and Richie loved him too much to not like anything coming from him. He wanted to show him his affection, pouring his heart in the open so that Richie would realize the intensity of his feelings for him. Not only that, but also how grateful Eddie was, for everything he did for him.

“ _I want to get him the best birthday present ever! Is that so hard to find?”_

Went chuckled at his pouted expression, shaking his head with a knowing smile:

“Richie will be happier to spend the day with you and that you did all of that for him than he’ll ever be about his gifts. That’s how he is. He was the happiest when he got to spend Christmas with you for the first time. You being there was the best gift he could have hoped for.”

Still… Eddie really, really wanted to please him. He shook his legs, his frustration growing at every second, unable to express it as much as he would like to. There was nothing good enough for Richie, and that was so annoying! No… He was getting it all wrong. Eddie couldn’t find something to express his love as strongly as he wanted to. That’s what was so unnerving… Richie didn’t ask for anything. He didn’t even know that Eddie was trying to prepare his birthday party.

“ _He’s done so much for me. Even before I came back. I kept on holding on with my mom because of the letters I wrote for him, every day. Even when my mind was so confused, I still wrote to him. I really want him to know that.”_

Went and Maggie listened attentively to his words, Maggie reaching for his free hand and squeezing it tightly, while Went put his fingers on his leg, in this clumsy, yet tender way. It should have been too much, all of this physical contact, but Eddie liked it. They learned how to put just the right amount of pressure for it to feel good, for Eddie to know that he was loved and cared for.

He relaxed perceptibly, while Went suggested him:

“Why don’t you write to him? A letter to share your affection, thoughts, and everything you want to say to him, but were never able to. Something he’d be able to hold onto, no matter what. I think that would make a really neat gift, right?”

Writing to Richie… Eddie barely used his pen anymore, and, when he did, it was always messy, hard to read. But if Eddie really took his time with it, giving it all, maybe it would be enough? Perhaps it would allow him to truly pour his heart out, to let him know how important Richie was for him, in many, many ways? His wrist would hurt like hell, no doubt about it, but it would be worth it.

“ _Alright, I’ll write him a letter. That’ll be my awesome, best, fantastical gift for Richie. But I still want to get him something aside.”_

Maggie and Went chuckled softly at his determination, Maggie kissing him on the forehead. Eddie remembered how embarrassed he used to feel whenever his mother would ask him for a kiss before he left the car to go to school, but it wasn’t the same with Richie’s parents.

He longed for their affection, and every tender gesture they had for him was appreciated, no matter where it happened. And if someone had something to say about it, then fuck them. They had no idea how good it was to have people who truly loved him, after all this time with none of that. Eddie cherished every moment he had with his family, conscious that he could have lost it many times.

He might have never seen them again when his mother took him away. He could have spent the rest of his days in an institution if the Toziers hadn’t been trusted to care for him. He could have been killed by Bowers. But Eddie was still standing, and he was with those he loved so much. No matter what, he was ready to fight to keep it all, never letting anyone take that away from him. 

That’s why he was so zealous when it came to his therapy sessions, because he wouldn’t even let himself deprive him of that. He’ll get better. He’ll recover. He’ll keep on fighting, again and again, for those he loved so much. And for himself.

Eddie put down his empty smoothie cup, trying to hug Maggie and Went at the same time. They hugged him back, without any question asked, never hesitating to show their affection. Sometimes, Eddie had trouble believing that he had a family that loved him for who he was, who didn’t want him to become someone else, supporting him and his choices even if that wasn’t what they had in mind for him.

His mom would have most likely put him through conversion therapy if she ever knew about his relationship with Richie. But Went and Maggie, they tried. They tried to understand, go past their prejudices, and support their love, even if they didn’t get it at first. Eddie saw them reading the pamphlet that Liz left for them, attentively, learning things they never thought they would have to learn. Eddie was pretty sure that they were planning on gifting something rainbow related to Richie, maybe a shirt or else, in their clumsy but cute attempt to show their support.

Went had even slowed down his questions about their sex life and the precautions they were taking, which was definitely a relief for Richie. Eddie didn’t care a lot. He had no qualms about discussing this stuff, even with the person he considered his dad, contrary to Richie. It wouldn’t have been the same with his mom, that was for sure… He shivered, thinking back to the time she caught him masturbating. He definitely didn’t want to remember that…

“Are you okay, Eddie?”

He nodded at Maggie’s question, shoving his fingers between his lips to suck on them, trying to keep the nervousness and memories at bay. He was progressing, that was for sure, but his mom was still taking so much place in his life… He thought about her daily, even if it was only a passing memory sometimes, which didn’t last. He couldn’t help it: whatever he was doing, experimenting, he had to think about her, how it used to be, how she would have reacted.

His therapist assured him that it was to be expected, but it was still frustrating nonetheless. Eddie wished for a full day without thinking about his mom at all. A day without Sonia Kaspbrak would genuinely be a blessing. But he had to be patient, and he knew it. He already did so much in so little time… Rushing his recovery wouldn’t help at all. Eddie wanted to get rid of this weight on his shoulders, and he had no choice other than to take it off piece by piece, slowly, but surely. It’ll get better. He had to believe it.

Went and Maggie glanced at each other, before Maggie suggested that they could buy something to eat and then pursue their shopping trip. Went approved her idea and let her go to get some pastries, while he remained with Eddie. Eddie relied on him, his head against his shoulder, still sucking on his fingers in this way that soothed him. Went caressed his hair gently, earning a soft sigh from Eddie.

“I’m really happy to spend this moment with you, son. We should do that more often. With Richie too, of course.”

Eddie nodded, showing his approval. He would love to spend more time with Went and Maggie, definitely. He missed them, even though he appreciated his newfound independence and his adult life. He wanted to go out with them, maybe to the theater, at the restaurant, share a trip with them… The kind of thing he would do with his family. The stuff he was never able to accomplish with his mom.

“ _I want that too. I love it whenever I can be with my family. And you’re my family.”_

Went let out a soft “Oh” at his words, clutching to Eddie affectionately. He started to part his lips, about to say something, but he decided otherwise, welcoming Eddie’s sincere love in silence, visibly moved. How could Eddie not see them as his family? They saved him from the hell he was put through, offered him a home, a safe place, somewhere that allowed him to grow and recover, to become the man he wanted to be.

With them, he learned how to ride a bike, how to cook, how to enjoy the simplest moments of joy in his life. They never excluded him or decided that something was too much for him, even when it was. But they were there afterward, ready to support him, to encourage him, to let him know how much he was loved and cared for. With them, Eddie had found the strength to move forward. To hold on, no matter what.

Maggie went back with the pastries, handing them to her husband and her surrogate son, laughing at how eagerly Eddie grabbed it. It seemed so long ago, that time when Eddie didn’t even dare to eat without being allowed to do so first… How much they progressed since then…

“I noticed a small shop while I was buying those, I think you’re gonna like it. It’s perfect for Richie.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow, curious, but he had to eat first before he’ll be able to discover what Maggie had in mind. He didn’t want to rush it, appreciating the taste on his tongue. Everything seemed so good and delightful, after a lifetime eating nothing but the blandest stuff, supposedly because of his “fragile” health. But Eddie wasn’t fragile, and he wasn’t risking a thing eating his pastry. He was just having a real good time, with his family, those who truly cared for him.

Once they finished eating, Eddie was definitely less nervous, and he was impatient to see what Maggie noticed previously. He followed her quickly, bouncing slightly on his feet at every step, buzzing with excitement. His eyes widened when they arrived at their destination, and he knew instantly that Maggie was right.

It was a tiny shop, filled with shirts, mugs, and other personalized items. And all of them featured puns. Incredibly corny puns. Eddie instantly took an interest in a shirt featuring a cartoon squirrel, who was saying in bold letters: I’M NUTS ABOUT YOU. 

Actually, he didn’t even know where to start, there were so many things here that he wanted to give a look at, stuff that would definitely please Richie and his terrible and oh so lovable sense of humor. Eddie squealed audibly, unable to stop himself from doing so, before putting a hand over his mouth, noticing the shop owner staring at him.

Thankfully, Went and Maggie were quick to react, Maggie reassuring Eddie while Went joined the owner to discuss a bit, so that he wouldn’t throw them out.

“I’m guessing it’s what you were looking for, right?”

Eddie nodded, feeling ashamed to have expressed his happiness so loudly. Maggie caressed his cheek tenderly, gazing at him with a tranquil stare:

“It’s okay, Eddie, you didn’t mean it. There’s nothing wrong about expressing how happy you are, but maybe we should work on a way to do it less loudly, right?”

Eddie nodded once again and allowed himself to flap his hands, taking them away from his mouth. Maybe that would get him a few looks as well, but at least, he wasn’t doing anything reprehensible. Flapping his right hand mindlessly, he used the other to go through the shirts, trying to find one that would suit Richie the best. Maybe he could get him a mug too? Or a necklace or something?

After a while, Eddie finally opted for a pair of mugs, all of them scribbled with cute drawings and terrible puns. The first was a teddy bear saying “I can’t bear to be without you”, while the other was featuring an otter and those few words: “You’re my significant otter”. He also bought him a shirt, with a simple message that managed to get a giggle out of him: “Puns are not cheesy, they’re Gouda.”

With all of that, Eddie was satisfied. He was sure that Richie would love it all, it was so corny, so ridiculous, so… so him. He decided to go to the shop owner alone to buy what he had in hands, Went and Maggie letting him handle it while staying nearby in case he needed help. Eddie was always nervous whenever he talked to people he didn’t know before, people who already had a bad impression of him. 

The shop owner was looking at him with a stare that Eddie couldn’t decipher. He gulped, putting his things on the counter, trying to stop the slight tremor in his hands so that he’ll be able to use his lightwriter:

“ _Hello. I’d like to buy this, please.”_

Eddie added sheepishly, while the guy was ringing his articles:

“ _I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to yell.”_

The shop owner grumbled that it was okay, and Eddie was relieved. The man even attempted to smile at him at some point, and Eddie realized that he probably wasn’t a very sociable person and that his previous demeanor hadn’t much to do with something that Eddie could have done or said. He was just like that. Eddie tried to cheer him up a little, typing on his lightwriter the first pun he managed to think about:

“ _Thanks for pudding up with me!”_

Between the robotic voice and the terrible pun, the owner couldn’t help but snort, chuckling afterward. Eddie’s face lit up, especially when the man told him that he could come back whenever he wanted. Delighted, he left the store with Went and Maggie, humming happily, bouncing on his feet. Maggie ruffled his hair tenderly, telling him sincerely:

“You handled it well. I’m really proud of all the progress you made.”

Eddie felt his cheeks burning up at his surrogate mother’s words. He remained in this state of contentment while they were buying birthday supplies, making sure they’d pick Richie’s favorite colors. Once it was done, they went back to the car, driving to Went and Maggie’s place. 

Eddie needed a few minutes to take it all in before being able to focus on his task, which was wrapping Richie’s gifts. It’s been a while since he went back to the Toziers’ household, and he felt his throat closing up as soon as he entered, glancing at everything, touching what was nearby, going to the couch and curling up on it for a few seconds. Home. It was still home, even if he left it before. 

“You’re always welcome here, son.”

Eddie nodded at Went’s words, wiping the tears that started to roll on his face, shaking his head to chase away the thoughts that were clouding his mind. He had something to do, no time to lose!

Eddie started to wrap Richie’s gifts carefully, something he never did before. It was far from an easy task for his clumsy fingers, and his joy was quickly replaced with frustration, Eddie hitting his temple and whining when he cut too much of the gift wrap and had to start over. Went held him in a tight and affectionate embrace, rocking him slowly, shushing him gently. 

Eddie was tired. The mall was a crowded and noisy place, and he was highly sensitive, the tiniest mistake making him feel like he was the worst person who ever existed. But he still wanted to do that for Richie. He wanted to be the one to wrap the gifts that he bought for him. He had to accept that he needed help, though. He refused at first, but he relented after he tried again and failed. With Went and Maggie giving him a hand, it was infinitely easier. And he still contributed, which was all that mattered, right?

He was definitely exhausted once it was over, resting his head on his crossed arms, feeling his eyelids getting heavier and heavier. He struggled to remain awake, so that he’ll be able to say goodbye properly to Richie’s parents and to greet Richie and Mike back, if they weren’t home already. He managed to do so, despite how much he wanted to sleep right now, opening and closing his eyes again and again while Went and Maggie were driving him back. 

Eddie was wobbling on his legs when they finally arrived, standing in front of his flat’s door. It was locked, which meant that there was no one home for now. He opened it with his key, before hugging tightly Went and Maggie, moaning gratefully and tiredly at the same time. Went caressed his cheek, and Maggie kissed the top of his head, pushing him gently inside:

“Go get some rest, Eddie. You earned it.”

Eddie shook his head at her words, causing her to raise an eyebrow:

“ _Need to stay awake until Richie and Mike are back.”_

Eddie could clearly see that Went and Maggie doubted that he would hold on until then, but they didn’t contradict him, only telling him that they were thrilled to have spent the afternoon with him. Maggie reminded him to lock the door behind them, and Eddie nodded distractedly, doing so before sitting on the couch, turning on the TV. The sound wasn’t enough to prevent him from dozing off, and he felt his head falling to the side, waking up suddenly. 

Moaning frustratingly, Eddie got up, deciding to walk around the flat until they arrived, so that he wouldn’t fall asleep. He wanted to spend the rest of the day with his friend and boyfriend, so he’ll do it! That was decided! At some point, he leaned against a nearby wall, his legs feeling heavy. He was just closing his eyes for a second, nothing more… 

He woke up, startled, when Richie’s hand shook him calmly, his boyfriend looking at him with an expression that was equally concerned and amused:

“Eds, why are you sleeping against the wall? If you don’t want to share our bed anymore, you just have to tell me, you know that?”

Eddie rubbed his eyes, leaning against Richie, resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Mike was standing next to them, smiling at him, caressing his cheek:

“You were waiting for us, right?”

Eddie nodded silently at Mike’s question, and Richie let out a soft “Oh”, hugging Eddie tightly and kissing him on the cheek.

“We’re here. We’re home.”

Eddie smiled weakly, unable to communicate more at the moment. He was just happy that they were back. That he had been able to do what he wanted this afternoon. Richie was going to have the best birthday ever. Now, he just had to write this letter...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of this chapter! I wanted something a bit more introspective for this one, Eddie reflecting on his life and all the progress he managed to make, while enjoying a moment with his family. He really did move forward since it all started, that's for sure c:. Always a pleasure to write Went and Maggie, I'll have to put them in more often xD.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter c:. Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to read what you thought about this chapter c:. You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it or you can also subscribe to this series / story c:. 
> 
> Have a nice day! Thank you again for your support. See you soon!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 12th chapter of this fanfic! Thank you all for your support! I'm getting more and more ideas for other stories to write, so I can't wait to get into it, but at the same time, I really don't want to end this one, so I don't know what will happen xD. 
> 
> I hope you're doing okay c:. Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for internalized homophobia  
> TW for homophobic slur  
> TW for mention of self-harm  
> TW for mention of bullying
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Sometimes, Richie really didn’t know when to stop… And he should probably learn to do so. He sighed, berating himself quietly. He just wanted to mess with his Eddie Spaghetti a little, tease him a bit, nothing mean. But once again, he forgot to take a step back and think about what he was doing. If he did, Eddie wouldn’t have been upset like that…

Richie knew that Eddie was doing something for his upcoming birthday and that he didn’t want him to know what it was. Eddie used the flimsiest excuse, pretending that he was working on his writing. He had never been bothered before by Richie’s presence whenever he was writing. On the contrary, Eddie liked to sit on his knees when he did so. That’s what Richie jokingly proposed to Eddie, who, caught in his lie, pushed him out their room, insisting that he was busy and that he shouldn’t come in.

Richie didn’t realize soon enough that Eddie was getting more than just annoyed, and he kept on bugging him, pretending that he had forgotten something in the room (which was to kiss his tiny angry gremlin), that he needed his daily dose of cuddles or that he definitely had to share his latest joke with Eddie (and no, that couldn’t wait, it was essential!). It was after this moment that Eddie suddenly sobbed, and Richie immediately stopped laughing, feeling awfully guilty.

He didn’t want to make him cry. He’d never wish for that. But it happened, and it was Richie’s fault. He hugged Eddie tightly, whispering to his ear that he was sorry, while his boyfriend kept on sobbing and asking him why he was acting like such an asshole. Richie didn’t have an answer to give him.

Most of the time, he knew which line he wasn’t supposed to cross, how to keep his teasing to something fun for both of them, but right now, Richie clearly failed, and Eddie was a mess thanks to his stupid ass. Congratulations, Richie, you’re a terrible boyfriend…

Richie needed a few minutes to help Eddie calming down, preventing him from hitting himself as he tended to do when he was stressed out like that, guiding Eddie into doing the harmless stim that his therapist taught him. After a while, Eddie stopped crying, wiping his face, asking again:

“ _I need to be alone. It’s important, Richie. Why aren’t you listening to me?”_

“I’m so, so sorry, Eddie.” Richie kissed the top of his head. “I won’t bug you anymore. Heck, I can even leave the flat for a while if it helps you feel better. How about that?”

Richie didn’t think that Eddie would take him up on the offer, but he did. His boyfriend nodded, and Richie felt a sharp pain in his heart, at the idea that Eddie didn’t even want him around. He really fucked up this time… Next time, he’ll just listen to Eddie instead of teasing him relentlessly. Whatever he was doing for his birthday, it was important enough to cause him to get undeniably upset at the thought of Richie surprising him or making him lose his focus.

Richie kissed him softly, ruffling his hair:

“Call me or text me if you need me, alright? Or whenever you want me back. I’m gonna see Mike or Liz, so I won’t be far.”

Eddie nodded at his words, sniffling. If only Richie stopped the first time, it wouldn’t have happened… Fucking Trashmouth. And now, Eddie wished him to leave. It never happened before. 

Richie felt awfully weird the second he was out of their flat, feeling his heartbeat picking up and his throat closing up. No, no, he wasn’t going to cry, not when he was the one at fault… Eddie just wanted him out for a while, until he finished preparing whatever he was doing for his birthday. They weren’t breaking up. Nothing like that. And yet… yet…

Richie went down the stairs and, arriving at the ground floor, felt tears on his cheeks. Resting against the nearest wall, he tried to calm himself down, hiding his face behind his hands. Why was he getting so upset? He was the one who provoked Eddie to no end. He had no right to cry about that… 

Richie straightened up, taking a deep breath, wiping his glasses carelessly with his shirt, before he finally left the building. He was walking slowly, sighing here and there, without much of a purpose to guide him. At first, he thought he could go to the library, but he remembered that Mike was working on an event, and he didn’t want to bother him. He had already done enough, he wasn’t going to annoy his friend on top of his boyfriend…

So, where could he go? Richie did tell Eddie that he would either go to Mike or Liz… and Liz wouldn’t hesitate to let him know if she didn’t want him around. Not that Eddie told him otherwise, he really tried to keep him out of their room so that he could work on his birthday present (or whatever it was). Richie sighed again, thinking about Eddie’s broken sobs. He wouldn’t come home without a proper apology gift, that was for sure… 

But first, he needed some company. If he remained alone, Richie would wallow in his bad thoughts, and it was definitely something he wished to avoid. No way he’d come back to the flat all depressed and in need of comforting, after he’d been the one to upset Eddie that much… No fucking way.

Richie was so preoccupied with what happened that he didn’t even think to call Liz and warn her that he was coming over. He arrived at her flat, knocking on the door, and he heard a familiar voice, claiming loudly:

“Don’t you fucking dare to open, I’m not…!”

But the door opened, and Liz was there, her hair messier than Richie ever saw it before, her cheeks slightly red and her breathing too quick. Richie also noticed her skin, glistening with sweat, as if she had just finished running a full marathon. 

One glance behind her and he was able to see Greta, quickly putting on a shirt and cursing so much that she could give Eddie a run for his money. He couldn’t help but grin at the sight. He definitely never expected to surprise one of his childhood bullies experiencing the joys of afterglow, especially with another woman…

“Hello, kiddo! Glad to see you!”

“Hey, Liz. I hope I’m not bothering you?”

“Never, Richie, don’t you worry!” Liz answered quickly, while Richie clearly heard Greta saying otherwise in the background. “Come on in!”

Greta barely greeted him, crossing her arms over her chest, definitely thinking of escaping and never seeing him again. Richie was tempted to tease her a bit about the scene he almost stumbled upon, but what he just did with Eddie was enough to push his Trashmouth to shut up and allow him to be sincere. 

He could clearly see how vulnerable she was, and joking would only cause her to close off, maybe feel even more hesitant to let people know who she was, the real nature of her relationship with Liz. The words weren’t easy to pronounce, but he still said, a reassuring smile on his lips:

“It’s fine, Greta. I’m gay.”

Greta raised an eyebrow at his words. She opened her mouth, closed it, repeating this sequence of actions again and again, like a fish out of water. Noticing the atmosphere, Liz invited them to sit comfortably on her couch, Greta opting for a chair nearby instead, before pointing at her bathroom door:

“I’m gonna take a shower. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

She winked at them both, sending a kiss to Greta, who quickly caught it with her hand, seemingly as a reflex. She met Richie’s gaze, who was trying really hard not to laugh, and glared at him:

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

Richie bit his bottom lip, squeaking as an answer:

“ ‘m not laughing… Promise.”

He wasn’t really convincing, but Greta let it slide. She was more preoccupied with what Richie saw and what he just revealed to her to focus on anything else. Crossing her arms once again, putting on a guarding off stance, she asked him, as if she was expecting him to tell her that it was just a big joke:

“So… you’re gay.”

“Yeah, that’s me, Richie the fairy! Turns out the bullies were right all along!”

Richie was trying to keep it lighthearted, but his joke wasn’t really one, and his heart was beating too fast, hammering his rib cage. Greta also had a few choices of nicknames for him when they were younger. They were rarely homophobic, but they still hurt. It was so weird, sitting in front of her, being sincere, and trying not to upset her… 

“Don’t say that.” 

Greta seemed embarrassed, digging her fingers in her ribs in a way that could only be painful.

“Say what?” She rolled her eyes, but Richie genuinely wondered what part of his sentence bothered her so much. “No, I’m serious. Say what?”

“You know… This kind of slur. And… And that your bullies were right. We weren’t. I was an asshole. I still am.”

She looked genuinely ashamed, casting down her gaze, biting her bottom lip. Richie would never be able to forget the kind of person that she used to be, but he still tried to give her a chance. After all, she was the reason why Eddie had been able to know that his meds were fake all along. She patched him up when Bowers and his gang assaulted them. And she testified against him, despite how scared she was of him (like pretty much everyone in Derry). 

Richie was willing to believe that she wasn’t such a bad egg, regardless of their shared experiences and what she was always claiming… Plus, she captured Liz’s heart, and he couldn’t honestly believe that his friend would fall in love with a terrible person. Maybe he was too naive, but he wanted to think that it was the case…

For a minute, they remained silent, none of them knowing how they should broach the subject. At the same time, they attempted to talk and chuckled nervously. Fidgeting with his glasses, Richie said, an awkward smile on his lips:

“You first.”

“Uh, yeah, right.” Greta cleared her throat, playing with her frizzled hair. “So you…. How did you know?”

Richie shrugged, before formulating a more precise answer:

“Since we were teenagers. I was around twelve when I truly realized it. And you?”

Greta hesitated, clearly thinking about the way to phrase it all, before she finally answered sheepishly:

“I think I always kinda knew, but I didn’t want to admit it. I looked at the pretty girls at school, and I felt all kinds of things. I managed to convince myself that I was jealous of their looks, because I kept focusing on their hair, the way they were dressing up, their bodies, their voices… I thought I wanted to be them. Turns out I wanted to be with them.”

She avoided Richie’s gaze, admitting to herself as well as to him:

“I think I used to have the biggest crush on Beverly. For real. But I couldn’t really accept it, you know? Not in Derry, not with my family, the kind of people I was hanging out with… I convinced myself that I hated her, and I made her pay for the fucking crush I had for her.”

She twisted one of her curls, letting out a sigh:

“What a fucking little cunt I was. She was already going through enough shit without me adding my own pile. I’ll never forgive myself for the kind of stuff I did and said to her.”

Richie was honestly flabbergasted. He couldn’t say that he ever suspected that Greta might feel something else than pure hate towards Beverly. But where Richie chose to blame himself for his feelings and to turn this hatred against himself, Greta projected it onto others, playing into the bully role that she adopted, probably to not be the one to be bullied. It was no excuse, but it was undoubtedly explaining a lot. 

“I don’t feel that kind of stuff for her anymore. When I saw her again, I noticed that I didn’t hate her… nor did I love her either. Liz helped me to make some sense of my feelings. I’m a fucking mess.”

“Yeah, she did the same for me.” Richie smiled, thinking about his friend. “I met her at the LGBT center. You already went there?”

Greta nodded. They never saw each other there. He suspected that Liz tried to keep them separated on purpose, so that they would talk to each other about their sexuality whenever they’d feel ready. 

“A few times, yes. I met Don and Adrian, they were cool. I talked at a support meeting. I thought they would insult me and all, because I used to be a fucking asshole, but they have all been really understanding.”

Richie couldn’t help but think back about his own experience and Eddie’s. The way he had been judged so quickly because he had a crush on a visibly disabled person, how they kept bugging Eddie with very personal questions related to his autism, as if it was the only interesting thing about him… And yet, they didn’t pick on the ex-bully. Far from that. There was something definitely unfair about that, but Richie was tired to continually fight against how ableist this world was. He had to choose his battles, he couldn’t keep on fighting for every single one of them…

Greta interrogated him once more, and Richie had to ask her to repeat herself. She sighed, but she relented, asking again:

“Uh… Do you have someone?”

Richie grinned at the thought. Eddie did tell him that he didn’t mind Richie talking about their relationship. If anything, Richie was usually the one who wanted to keep it discreet, not ready to share it with anybody, still dealing with his internalized homophobia.

“My Eddie Spaghetti, of course! Who else?”

Greta looked at him for a second, before putting her hand over her face:

“Who else, indeed? I shouldn’t have even asked. How did I not notice before?”

“We’re like Russian spies.” He put on a purposely terrible accent, adding with a smile: “Keeping it a secret in the name of our mother nation.”

Greta clearly bit back a chuckle, shaking her head:

“No way, you’re so fucking obvious, I don’t even know how I was unable to get it for so long...”

“That’s the internalized homophobia, baby!” 

He was trying to laugh about it, but truly, Richie couldn’t even smile. Not when it was constantly inhabiting his thoughts and trying to ruin his life. Richie hadn’t managed to make it something he’d be able to joke about sincerely. He wasn’t ready yet.

As an answer, Greta raised an eyebrow, before she told him:

“Don’t call me baby ever again. Or your head will meet your ass, and it’ll be very, very painful.”

“Yessir!” 

Richie mimicked a military hand gesture, causing Greta to groan audibly. Her annoyed behavior reminded him of Eddie, and he tried to tone it down, not wanting to upset her like he caused Eddie to sob earlier. If she noticed the shift in his behavior, Greta didn’t point it out. Instead, she kept on talking, playing nervously with her hair:

“When I met Liz, it was like everything was suddenly becoming clear. I… I _knew_ , you get it?”

Richie nodded. He had the same feeling the first time he met Eddie. Even if he had needed way more time to even manage to talk to him than Greta did with Liz. 

“I didn’t want to admit it. But Liz had been great. She didn’t push a label on me or on our relationship. I think she would have gladly remained my friend if I didn’t make the first step.”

Richie’s eyes widened slightly at her words:

“Hold on, you were the one to make the first move? Really?”

Greta glared at him, before her expression softened, while she recalled this precious moment:

“Liz invited me over. She started to play “Take on me” on her guitar and, thank fucking god, she didn’t sing, because I would have been unable to stop laughing if it had been the case. She kept looking at me with this… this fucking intense gaze. At first, I convinced myself that I was drunk and that I could blame my impulsive kiss on the booze. But I had no excuse for the second and the third.”

She added in a lower tone, visibly embarrassed:

“And the fourth. And the fifth.”

Richie chuckled at her confession. This was the cutest thing he ever heard, and he definitely didn’t expect it to come from Greta. Far from it. 

“We still didn’t date at the time. I pretended that I was too drunk the night before and that I couldn’t remember it. She saw right through my bullshit, but she let me set the pace. Make my own decisions. And so, uh, we’re dating now. Officially. More or less.”

Richie was about to add something when Liz arrived, her hair wet. She approached Greta from behind, kissing her on the cheek. Greta instinctively caressed her face, in a way that reminded Richie of his interactions with Eddie. Damn, he really needed to apologize properly to him…

While Greta was going to shower, Liz sat next to Richie, ruffling his hair tenderly:

“She never talked about this stuff with anyone else. Not even at the LGBT center. Good job, Richie.”

He looked at Liz for a second, before asking her with a slightly exasperated smile on his lips:

“You were listening to us, right?”

“No, not at all. Maybe a little. I finished my shower five minutes earlier, but I thought I shouldn’t interrupt you. I lent an ear, that’s all.”

Richie chuckled, shaking his head at her words:

“You’re the worst.”

She laughed, and he felt the need to add, unable to stop his self-hatred from pouring out in the open:

“No, I’m the worst.”

Liz quickly became serious, putting her index finger under his chin, guiding him to look at her:

“No, you’re not. Why are you saying that?”

Richie hesitated. He didn’t want to be the one who kept on sharing his issues, burdening everyone around you. He closed himself off, crossing his arms over his chest:

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“It’s clearly not, Richie.” Liz held his hand in hers, squeezing it gently. “Come on. Just tell me.”

Her tone was so kind, so inviting… Richie couldn’t resist any longer. He confessed what he did, the guilt coming back to crush him, and Liz listened to him, never judging him. In the end, she caressed his hand with her thumb, telling him softly:

“You took the joke too far. It happens. Trust me, I know it does. But you regret it, right?”

Richie nodded, biting his bottom lip:

“Awfully. Eddie sobbed, and he was upset. I shouldn’t have bothered him so much. I just… I forgot that there was a point where it wasn’t a game anymore. Where it wasn’t funny for him at all.”

“I did this kind of thing so many times… I lost too many friendships over that, because I wouldn’t apologize or see that I was in the wrong. I just thought they didn’t have a sense of humor or whatnot, when I should have been more mindful. I wouldn’t have lost them if I did.”

Richie always felt a soulmate in Liz. Not in a romantic way, far from it. It was different from that. They experienced similar losses, similar fears, and they managed to come out of it, more or less damaged. They understood each other. Truly.

“I know I was in the wrong. I apologized. I offered him to leave until he was finished with what he was doing, and he accepted my offer. I… I didn’t think he would. I thought he’d tell me to stay...”

And that’s what was hurting him so much. The fact that Eddie didn’t even hesitate for a second, before taking him up on his proposal and expecting him to leave their flat. It awoke all kinds of insecurity in Richie, that he didn’t experience openly for so long… A part of him was unreasonably scared that Eddie might never call him, telling him that it was okay to come back. Maybe he didn’t want him around at all anymore…

“Richie, look at me. Deep breaths.”

He didn’t even realize that he started to hyperventilate. Liz guided him, telling him when to inhale and exhale, hugging him. Richie grabbed her arm as soon as she did so, as if he was hanging on to a lifeline. Fuck… Fuck, he knew that it was stupid, that Eddie would never leave him like that, that if they had issues, they would properly talk about it, but damn… Richie couldn’t help it. His mind was already racing, making him think of the worst possible situation. 

“You’re okay, dude?”

Greta came back from her shower, looking genuinely worried. He couldn’t answer for now, so Liz did it for him, rubbing his back:

“Yeah, he’s gonna be okay. Just give us five minutes, alright, cutie pie?”

Greta went red at the nickname, sitting beside Liz, and Richie managed to chuckle, even though he was still hyperventilating. He calmed down after a while, apologizing sheepishly to them. Greta shook her head silently, while Liz immediately reassured him:

“It’s cool, Richie. Panic attacks are the worst. I still get them from time to time.”

Greta raised her eyebrows at Liz’s words, letting out with a worried voice:

“You never told me that.”

Liz turned her face towards her, kissing her on the nose:

“Now, you know. I just hope you’ll never have to see it for real. It’s not pretty.”

Greta grumbled at her words, holding Liz’s hand and squeezing it:

“I don’t care that it’s not pretty. I can be a mess too. It’s not exclusive to you.”

Liz laughed at her tone, claiming happily to Richie:

“See? I love my Grumpy Bear.”

Greta let go of her hand, crossing her arms over her chest, while Liz was whining dramatically at the rejection:

“Don’t call me like the fucking Care Bear! Don’t you dare!”

“Alright, alright. You’re never grumpy, after all, you’re right. You’re always so positive and optimist, it’s a delight!”

Greta groaned, and Liz laughed, but she didn’t insist. Unlike Richie, she knew when to stop… That’s what he thought bitterly, sighing heavily. 

“It’s okay, Richie. When he’s texting you to go home, you’re going to apologize once again and tell him precisely why you were in the wrong. Then you’re going to pamper him as if he was the richest prince in the world, and you’ll let him know how much you love him and respect him.”

Richie nodded at Liz’s words. Indeed, he definitely intended to spoil his Eddie tonight. He’ll do whatever his adorable boyfriend would want of him. No hesitation. 

“I… I was thinking I could get him a gift too. Something nice.”

Liz approved of his idea, suggesting that they could go out to help him get a present. While they were getting up, she approached him, whispering to his ear:

“Arguments, they happen to every couple. It’s not the end of the world, as long as you’re willing to own up to your mistakes.”

She smiled at him, and Richie nodded, slightly relieved. Yes, it was just a little bump on the road, nothing too harsh… He’ll do what he can to show how sorry he was to Eddie, will wait for him to be ready to accept his apologies, and he’ll do his best not to do it again. 

He’ll hold on the teasing for a while, until Eddie explicitly grant him the right to do so again. He was going to tell him all of that, Richie was decided.

Liz advised him to get a chocolate box, while Greta was leaning towards a flower bouquet. In the end, Richie didn’t choose at all and bought both of those things. He cheesily decided to get a heart-shaped box, and he insisted that the florist get him flowers that were the least smelly in his shop. Richie knew how delicate Eddie’s nose could be, and he didn’t want to trigger a meltdown by mistake…

They just finished when Richie received a text from Eddie, telling him that he could come back. Richie’s heartbeat quickened up and, after saluting Liz and Greta, he immediately went back home, trying not to fall prey to his anxiety. He took a deep breath, knocking on the door. As soon as it opened, he held out the gifts, telling him in a sheepish voice:

“I’m really, really sorry, Eddie. I didn’t want to upset you, and you were right to be angry at me. I’ll be more careful, I promise. I’ll listen to you next time, immediately. In fact, I’ll listen to you completely for the next 24 hours, more if you wish so. I’ll do whatever you want me to. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Eds.”

Eddie was clearly taken aback by Richie’s apology and his gifts. He took them in his hands, touching the flowers, caressing their petals. After that, he put them aside temporarily, grabbing Richie by the collar and pulling him inside, closing the door behind them. Eddie immediately went for a deep kiss, so violently that Richie thought they almost got a concussion.

He still lost himself in the feeling, his gaze becoming slightly hazy, while Eddie’s tongue was entering his mouth, looking for his own vehemently. Richie couldn’t struggle, and he didn’t want to. He was at Eddie’s mercy, and he was gladly accepting it. Once Eddie pulled out, he hugged Richie tightly, resting his head against his chest, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _You made me angry for real, Richie. I told you to stay away, and you didn’t. I told you many times to not disturb me, and you ignored me. It hurt me.”_

“I’m sorry, Eddie. I have no excuses for my behavior. I was an asshole.”

Eddie raised his head towards Richie, pulling out a pouted expression that reassured him. Eddie wasn’t angry anymore. He wouldn’t do such a face if it was the case…

“ _You said you’ll do whatever I want?”_

Richie nodded, showing how sincere and eager he was to obey. Eddie thought about it for a second, before he grinned clumsily, typing ominously on his lightwriter:

“ _Well, it starts now.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter really wrote itself all alone, it was so nice to do so! Richie and Eddie have their first argument over Richie's jokes going too far. In another situation, Eddie wouldn't have take it so badly, but he wanted to write the letter for Richie and it was already a very emotional and hard thing to do, so he just broke down after Richie's teasing. It happens.
> 
> But I really wanted to show how important it was to apologize and own up to your mistakes. Richie knows that he did something wrong and he doesn't blame Eddie for his reaction at all. On the contrary, he respects it and does what he can to own up to what he did. And Eddie took him up on the offer ;). But not to worry, he's never going to force him to do something Richie is not comfortable with. That's not who Eddie is.
> 
> I had a really good time writing Liz and Greta back. I feel like they could have their own fanfic on the side, but I don't have the energy to do so, I have to admit xD. Maybe I'll write one-shorts here and there later about them? I really enjoy their relationship (and our Greta is definitely Grumpy Bear, despite what she told x) ).
> 
> I hope you like this chapter too! Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos if you feel like it, I'd love to get to know your thoughts about this chapter and what you think Eddie has in mind ;). You can also subscribe to this series and/or the story. 
> 
> Take care! Have a nice day, stay safe and see you soon!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Thank you for your support and your kind words! I thought I wouldn't manage to write this chapter, because I come home trying to avoid a meltdown, but writing helped me to calm down and, in the end, I'm at peace c:. So, thank you for being there and providing this support, even indirectly c:.
> 
> Anyway, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for sexual content  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of internalized homophobia  
> TW for mention of emetophobia
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

"You know, Eds, when you asked me to confirm that I would do whatever you wanted, I thought that it might be… I don't know… sexier?"

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly, pretending to be annoyed. He handed the clothes he had just folded to Richie, telling him to put them on the bed. Eddie added, typing on his lightwriter before going back to what he was doing:

" _Cleaning can be really sexy. And our cupboard definitely needs some order. Besides, if I did it on my own, you would have screamed that I messed up your system. Now, you'll understand how it's all put together."_

Richie clearly grimaced at his words, and Eddie chuckled, folding the jean he was holding slowly and carefully. Although he became clumsier over the years, thanks to the abuse he went through and his mother making him forget that he could do anything on his own, Eddie loved this activity. It calmed him down. Everything was where it was supposed to be, and it made sense. It was something he had control over. 

Eddie wasn't angry against Richie anymore, but he was still processing what happened. More than the fact that his boyfriend kept on bugging him, it was his insistence to ignore Eddie's pleas to be left on his own that caused him to have this nervous breakdown. It's been so long since his needs and his desires haven't been taken into account... Eddie wasn't used to that feeling anymore. 

He knew that Richie would have stopped immediately if he realized sooner how upsetting it was for Eddie, but it didn't change how he felt at the time. Eddie couldn't bear to be ignored any longer, especially not by his partner, that he loved so much. So, he just cried and sobbed and let his frustration express itself. And Eddie agreed when Richie offered him to leave for a moment.

He had noticed how hurt his boyfriend had been when he accepted his proposal, but if Richie said that to him, it meant that Eddie could ask that of him, right? He wouldn't have given him a choice if, truly, only one of those answers was the "right" one. Richie wasn't like his mom or his old therapist. Still, Eddie felt his heart aching when he saw the look on Richie's face. He hesitated to let him stay, but in the end, it was for the best. 

Eddie needed to focus on his letter, and he wouldn't have been able to do so if Richie had been there, sulking in his corner, waiting for him to be done. At least, Eddie knew that he was in good company, either with Mike or Liz. And then, Richie came back with those pretty flowers and the heart-shaped box full of chocolates, plenty of apologies slipping from his lips, and Eddie had been unable not to accept them.

How could he not take up Richie on his offer, though? Doing whatever Eddie wanted… And, really, at the moment, Eddie truly wanted to order their cupboard, with Richie's assistance. Accomplishing this task chased away the last remnants of his anxiety, and Eddie definitely felt better once they were done, looking at their neat piles of clothes with a satisfied smile on his face. 

Richie hugged him from behind, pressing his lips against his scar. The feeling tickled Eddie a little, and he shivered slightly, while his boyfriend was whispering to his ear, with a cheeky tone:

"And now? Should we wash the shower cabin? Vacuum the living-room? If you're asking me to cook, I want to do it in the nude, only wearing an apron. That's my only request, Eddie Spaghetti."

Eddie laughed out loud at the idea of Richie completely naked, except for an apron, his ass hanging in the air while he was focusing on his cooking. He couldn't deny that the concept had something appealing, but it wasn't what he had in mind. 

Maybe for another time… Or he could be the one naked, perhaps? After all, Eddie wasn't modest, and he loved the way Richie admired his body whenever he could. 

" _None of that. Let's go to the bathroom."_

Richie nodded, looking at Eddie curiously, following him immediately as soon as he started to go there. There was something strangely thrilling to the fact that his boyfriend was obeying to his every whim at the moment. Eddie had been so used to be the one always docile, being in charge was… It was quite incredible, in fact. He had to be careful to not let it go to his head too much and too quickly. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt Richie…

Eddie asked him to put his hands on their bathroom sink, while Richie was facing him. He did so, asking with a grin:

"It's getting kinky, right? What's the next step?"

Oh, if Richie knew… Eddie smirked, opening the nearest cupboard, pulling out his toiletry bag. Richie's smile vanished a little, raising his eyebrow, expressing clearly his confusion. Eddie pulled out the lip balm first, asking Richie to remain still. Richie looked at the object, then at Eddie, as if he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing, a single word escaping his open mouth:

"What?"

Eddie shushed him, typing on his lightwriter:

" _Let me put that on you. Your lips are all chapped and dry, you need to take care of them properly. I'll also put some stuff on your skin. And we'll do some hair care too, I definitely have to do something with the mope on your head!"_

"Hey!"

Richie was about to say something, but Eddie kissed him quickly, telling him afterward, while his boyfriend was too stunned to react:

" _You said I could ask you whatever I wanted. Right now, I wish to take care of you and your body. So, shush and let me do it."_

Richie nodded silently, and Eddie focused on his task. He gently applied the balm, knowing very well that doing it only once wouldn't really hydrate his boyfriend's lips properly. But if Richie liked being taken care of, maybe they could make it a habit… Eddie would definitely be the happiest man in the world if Richie agreed to his offer. 

Later. For now, Eddie was working on his boyfriend. He needed to do it right. After he was done putting the balm on Richie's lips, Eddie pulled a cotton pad and a soft cream from his bag, applying it on Richie's face. Richie frowned when he touched his nose, and Eddie was willing to admit that he kinda insisted on this part of his partner's face more than necessary, fawning over the way his nose would scrunch up. Then, it was time for hair care. 

Eddie spent long minutes brushing and massaging Richie's hair, smiling knowingly when he saw him relaxing perceptibly. His boyfriend probably expected from Eddie that he would ask him to take care of him, but the truth was that Eddie would rather do the opposite if he could. He felt proud to be able to do all of those things and happy to know that it was really doing some good to Richie, who seemed ready to doze off when Eddie finished his massage. And it was a relief to be able to care like that for Richie, when their roles were often reversed. 

As much as Eddie tried to be there for his boyfriend, he was aware of how much Richie was doing for him daily, starting with their morning routine. Richie was hugging him through his meltdowns, supporting him at every moment, tiring himself whenever he had to pull Eddie out of his regressive episodes… He was doing so much, Eddie could barely believe it. That's what he put in his letter, among other things. How grateful he was for Richie's devotion, how much he was there for him, no matter what…

So, being the one in charge, Eddie naturally wanted to shift their dynamic a little and be the one to care for Richie. His partner definitely didn't know how to take care of his body. If Eddie had to pick something good coming from his abusive education, it would definitely be his skincare, although his mother definitely went overboard with it. Eddie still remembered how red his skin sometimes was, with how much his mother scrubbed it to make sure that her Eddie bear was perfectly "clean".

Eddie shivered at the memory, and Richie caressed his cheek, worried:

"Are you okay, Eds? Do you need to talk?"

Eddie shook his head. He didn't want to mention his mother. She wasn't allowed to ruin their moment like that. Instead, Eddie held the hand that was on his face, brushing it with his lips. Then he offered to go to the living room and share the chocolate box that Richie got for him. It definitely seemed to please his boyfriend more than the care he just received, no matter how much good it had done to him.

Eddie shook his head, with a fond expression on his face, leading Richie to the couch. On the way, he stopped to touch the petals of his flower bouquet, that he put in a vase filled with water. Eddie smiled softly, his heart beating a little bit faster at such a romantic gesture (even if it was more of an apology than anything else), before he sat next to Richie, grabbing the chocolate box and putting it on the coffee table nearby. 

He laid his head on Richie's knees, reaching out his hand to grab a few chocolates, sliding the first between his lips. Eddie shuddered, a happy whine escaping his throat. So good… So fucking good! Eddie was sure that he would achieve orgasm if he ate too many of those, so he remained reasonable, only eating what he had in hand, before asking Richie, his fingers on his boyfriend's cheek:

" _Caress my hair, please."_

"As you wish."

Richie winked, while Eddie's face turned red at his words, a soft moan making its way out of his lips. Soon enough, though, he focused entirely on the feeling of Richie's long fingers in his hair, sighing joyfully, while his boyfriend was thoroughly massaging him, smiling widely while doing so. Richie always knew how to touch him to make him feel good, it was quite incredible… Eddie felt himself melting under his fingers, curling up slightly, letting out tiny noises, almost mewling.

Richie chuckled when he heard Eddie producing this sound, teasing him gently:

"I didn't know you could make that kind of noise, kitten. Can you purr too?"

Eddie glared at him as an answer, but he quickly went back to his dazed and relaxed expression, unable to resist Richie's touch any longer. Eddie felt his eyelids fluttering slowly, and he shook his head, causing Richie to stop. No way Eddie was going to fall asleep when he had such an opportunity!

He straightened up, asking Richie to stop, yawning despite himself. Eddie was getting _too_ relaxed, now! He needed to move, to get his energy up, so that he'll be able to enjoy it all for as long as he could. Eddie got up, looking around him, thinking about what he could ask Richie to do.

Of course, Eddie couldn't deny that he had some perverted thoughts when Richie made this offer previously, but he knew better than to act on them carelessly. The sexual side of their relationship was fragile and needed care and time to be built upon. Eddie wouldn't throw all their progress out of the window simply because he was horny! No, Richie deserved better from him than that. 

Eddie cringed, thinking that his boyfriend might force himself to do things he wasn't ready for, imagining that it would please him. It wouldn't. Eddie wanted nothing more than to enjoy their sexual activities, but not if Richie wasn't fully consenting. 

He wasn't going to use Richie's guilt to get him to act on the fantasies that Eddie had in mind… They'll have time for that later, if his partner ever felt ready. And if it never happened… Well, Eddie had his imagination and his hands, it would be more than enough to satisfy himself, he was sure of that. 

While his thoughts were running wild, Eddie eyed something that finally inspired him. He ran to the object, bending over it. He fiddled with it for a moment, until it was ready for use. Music came out of the speakers they bought a while ago, and Eddie held out his hand, his heart beating too fast, signing shyly:

_Dance with me._

Richie's bewildered expression quickly vanished, while a soft smile took place on his lips. He got up from the couch, joining Eddie, taking his hand in his, placing his fingers on his partner's waist:

"Your wish is my command, my sweet prince."

The first lyrics of "I just died in your arms" started to resonate, and Richie guided Eddie into a slow dance, gazing at him lovingly. Eddie clung to him, a bit intimidated, clearly not in his element, even though he had been the one to ask for this. A tender smile on his lips, Richie asked Eddie, knowing the answer already:

"It's your first dance, right?"

Eddie nodded, hiding his face in Richie's chest. At some point, he stepped on Richie's foot and whined, ashamed and worried. His boyfriend immediately eased his concern, whispering to his ear with a cheeky grin:

"If you were looking to get me aroused, then you outdid yourself, Eds. You know that this whole song is a metaphor for sex and orgasm?"

Richie's words were enough to snap Eddie out of his anxiety. He raised his head towards him, looking at his partner with a look definitely skeptical. Richie laughed at the sight, kissing Eddie quickly on his forehead:

"It's true, I'm not lying! In French, there's a saying, "la petite mort", which can be translated to "the little death". And it's used to describe an orgasm."

Eddie's face got confused at his explanation, and he quickly typed on his lightwriter, before going back to hugging Richie and letting him guide him through their slow-dance:

" _I don't get it. There's nothing good about death. And an orgasm is definitely awesome, so it's illogical."_

Richie bit back a laugh and nibbled gently on Eddie's top of his ear, triggering a loud and uncontrollable moan from his boyfriend. Richie felt the sound in his entire body, going straight to his dick, and he squirmed slightly, trying to focus back on Eddie and to explain him all of that in a way that would make sense to him:

"You are right, orgasms are the best. Aside from that, it's probably because when you get a really, really powerful orgasm, you can experience some kind of blackout, and it might feel a bit like you're dying, but in a good way. I don't know… I never really felt that I was dying when we had sex. But it was awesome, nonetheless."

Eddie nodded, thoughtful, his breathing quickening at the ideas that were circling in his mind. An orgasm so powerful that it would make him feel like he was dying… It sounded terrifying. Eddie immediately chased away the thought of his mom agonizing, focusing on Richie's hands on his body and his smell to keep himself grounded. 

And yet, it also sounded… exciting. What would it be like, really? Was it true, or was it only something in the movies and in the magazines? Eddie didn't realize it at first, but his cock was getting hard, pressing against Richie's body. His partner immediately noticed it and went red, reaching a similar state. He offered to Eddie, squeezing his hand in his:

"Do you… Do you want to go to our bedroom?"

Eddie was ready to accept immediately, but he thought about their friend and signed quickly:

_But Mike?_

Richie shrugged, a smile on his lips:

"He's working on an event at the library, he's not going to come back soon. Anyway, let me text him to warn him, just in case."

Richie detached himself from Eddie, Eddie whining at the feeling of losing his touch, and sent a message to Mike, who replied quickly. Richie showed his phone's screen to Eddie, who giggled at the words written on it:

**Don't need any details --'. Will go to the pub with my colleagues. See you later!**

"So… to the bedroom, right?"

Eddie nodded, and they both went to their room, clearly excited. But as soon as they arrived there, they kinda felt themselves at a loss for words, Eddie hesitating to formulate his thoughts. He didn't know what Richie was ready to do, and he didn't know how to broach the subject… To be honest, Eddie was scared to trigger him and cause him to hear those awful voices again, telling him how wrong their relationship was. Richie shouldn't have to go through that…

Noting his hesitation, Richie caressed Eddie's hair, assuring him with a soft smile:

"You can ask me whatever you want. I promise you that, if I feel uncomfortable doing something, I'll tell you, and we won't do so."

His partner's words reassured Eddie, who really didn't want to hurt Richie while they were playing this enticing game. Truth to be told, Eddie liked to play the bossy and bratty part, but not at Richie's expense. And he wasn't always good to recognize his boyfriend's feelings and facial expressions, so he definitely needed him to be explicit…

His breathing getting slightly faster, Eddie finally dared to ask Richie, his dick straining painfully under his clothes:

" _I want to die in your arms. Not die for real, of course. I want the little death."_

Richie gulped at his words, fiddling with his glasses. He took a deep breath, before he finally squeaked, clearly intimidated:

"O… Okay."

Eddie wanted to say something, but Richie shook his head as soon as he started to type the words on his lightwriter:

"No backsies. I told you, your wish is my command, Eds. I'll do my best to make you experience this little death. Trust me."

Eddie nodded, hoping that Richie wasn't pressuring himself uselessly. It was only a game, nothing more. Eddie wasn't really expecting him to manage such a feat. He wasn't even sure that it was possible. But he was clearly horny, and he needed an outlet. Richie seemed more than happy to provide him that, asking Eddie with a slightly shivering voice:

"May I take off your clothes, your highness?"

Eddie nodded, and Richie obeyed, taking his clothes slowly and almost gracefully. He grazed his skin every now and then, especially his nipples, and Eddie whined out loud, unable to prevent himself from doing so. Richie grinned, brushing them again, causing the same audible reaction from Eddie:

"Oopsie, my bad, my sweet Prince! I'm so clumsy sometimes, don't mind me!"

Eddie was too aroused to be annoyed, wanting Richie to please him in any way possible. He certainly didn't expect his boyfriend to suddenly pinch his nipples, both at the same time, while claiming with a theatrical voice:

"Oh my, am I spotting dust specks on those magnificent things? Let me take them away immediately!"

Eddie's eyes widened, and he threw his head back, keening, his fingers gripping what he called their "fun times sheets". Richie had the idea one day, after they had to wash their blanket once again. At least, their bed was protected, and they just had to wash the sheets and put them back on whenever needed. Eddie definitely rewarded Richie with a kiss when he came up with this idea. His boyfriend was so brilliant, sometimes!

But his thoughts right now were completely focused on his pinched nipples and, his hips thrusting needlessly, Eddie moaned Richie's name. Or he attempted to do so, anyway.

"Iiiie!"

Richie grinned, but he stopped quickly, not wanting their game to end so soon. He patted Eddie's cheek, appreciating his hazy gaze, full of desire:

"I'm taking care of everything, my sweet Prince. You just have to lie down."

Eddie nodded feverishly and rested his bare back against the sheets, soft and wanting moans escaping his lips. Even if he couldn't talk at the moment, definitely unable to use his lightwriter properly to express what he wanted, Richie could see it clearly. He climbed on the bed, still all dressed up, asking his boyfriend:

"Should I take off my clothes too?"

Eddie shook his head, and Richie chuckled, kissing him on the tip of his nose:

"I like it. Kinky! Now, I'm gonna take care of your body, my Prince. And the only cream involved will be the one coming from your royal balls."

Eddie snorted at his words, and Richie felt prouder than ever of his awful humor. He started by putting his lips on Eddie's, his partner stealing his breath away by inviting him in immediately, clumsily putting his hands on the back of his neck. Richie happily obliged, kissing him and caressing his tongue with his until they had no breath left. They pulled apart to inhale deeply, Eddie quickly moaning and pushing Richie's face closer so that they would kiss again.

Richie did so gladly, letting his hands exploring Eddie's body at the same time. He heard a gurgling whine from his partner when he grazed over his nipples once again. It wasn't sexy at all, and yet, it excited Richie to no end, making him more energetic in his kiss and his brushes. At some point, he took one of Eddie's nipples between his thumb and his index finger, and he squeezed. Hard.

Eddie instantly froze, and Richie was worried that he might have taken it too far, but he quickly understood that it wasn't the case, as soon as he spotted the stain on his pants, Eddie's cum landing on the fabric. He stopped kissing him, and Eddie moaned longingly, clearly ashamed that he came so quickly. But Richie wasn't disappointed. Far from it.

Richie asked eagerly, his cock erect, clearly expecting to be the one to be taken care of:

"So, your nipples are like a cum switch, right? If I pinch them, you just come instantly? We definitely have to do that in public! I bet Mike will love to hear all about that!"

Eddie whined even more, hiding his face behind his hands, and Richie didn't tease him any further, putting his fingers away so that he would be able to admire his beautiful traits:

"I'm kidding, Eds. There's no shame in what just happened, I promise. Did you have a good time?"

Eddie nodded. He looked at Richie's dick, then his own, before he reached for his lightwriter, typing clumsily:

" _Grind against each other._ "

Richie raised an eyebrow at Eddie's words, caressing his cheek:

"You're sure, kitten? You're hypersensitive right now, it's going to hurt."

Eddie groaned, answering as fast as he could:

" _Don't care. Want to come with you. Like in the movies you told me about."_

Richie audibly gulped, but he didn't insist, taking off his clothes, reminding him Eddie with a gentle tone:

"Call my name if you ever want to stop, alright? I'll cease immediately."

Eddie nodded distractedly, sucking on his fingers, and Richie melted at the sight, getting naked so quick that he almost ripped some of his clothes. As soon as he did, he thought about how they could do it, offering to Eddie:

"I could be the one lying down and you… you can climb on me and grind against me. That way, you'll be in control and… and it'll be easier for you to… uh..."

His words trailed off as soon as Eddie straddled him, his brain losing all of its capacity at the sight and the feeling. Eddie keened as soon as his dick rested on Richie's body, getting used to the intense sensation. He soon set a pace, grinding against Richie, who literally howled, the sounds coming from his mouth anything but sexy. 

At first, Richie didn't dare to move, aside from his hips' involuntary twitches, but Eddie glared at him with a feverish gaze, putting his hands on Richie's sides and trying to get him to follow his motions. Okay, understood. Richie started to move as well, and he was soon lost in the ecstasy of the moment, irrational thoughts crossing his mind, his body burning with desire and pleasure.

Eddie was shivering all around, moaning in a way Richie couldn't quite interpret as painful or filled with arousal. Definitely both of those feelings. Richie admired him, his little kitten, riding him with a not quantifiable passion, his body glistening with sweat. 

Richie could see that his boyfriend really tried to resist cumming again, not before he did, but Eddie was too sensitive and, Richie noted, he seemed quite excited by the overstimulation he was experiencing, as well as their sort of role-play. He kinda guessed that the second was a kink of his, but he didn't think the first would be. Richie would definitely remember that, for sure.

Eddie came before Richie did, tensing and letting out a long drawn out moan, before he let himself fall on Richie's body, clearly exhausted. Richie kissed him, telling him gently:

"I'm gonna nudge you next to me, okay? And I'm taking care of the rest, don't worry, little Prince."

Eddie barely nodded, clearly out of it, and Richie did what he told. Eddie curled up and rested his head against his boyfriend's torso, his lips parted, looking dazed and lost. Okay, so maybe they'll slow down on the overstimulation, for Eddie's benefit…

Watching over his boyfriend, Richie finished himself, masturbating until he came, which didn't take him long. It was enough for Eddie to doze off, though. Richie tried to wake him up to lead him to the bathroom, but to no avail. Eddie was out like a light. 

"My, my, sweet kitten, it seems like I'm gonna have to take care of you a bit longer."

Richie kissed his boyfriend on the temple, slowly getting up, tired, but managing to throw on a bathrobe and go to the bathroom. He doubted he'd be able to carry Eddie there and wash him properly, but he could still make sure he wouldn't wake up feeling icky and uncomfortable… Grabbing wet wipes, he came back to their room and proceeded to clean Eddie's body thoroughly, making sure that there wasn't any drop of sweat or cum left. 

Eddie moaned at some point, but he didn't wake up, only putting his fingers between his lips and sucking on them eagerly. Man… Richie could easily bet that he was currently experiencing a wet dream. He grinned at the sight, caressing his boyfriend's hair:

"My sweet, sweet horny bunny. I love you so much."

Once Eddie was all clean, Richie raised him up for a few seconds, grabbing the sheets and pulling them out. He slid Eddie under the blanket, before going to the bathroom and taking a shower. Damn… he definitely didn't expect all of that when he came back to apologize. Richie wasn't sure he really earned it. But he did what Eddie told him to and… and for once, he didn't feel the need to act up, as he often did as soon as someone was trying to be authoritative with him.

Richie was happy to obey to Eddie and to satisfy him. It felt a bit weird, thinking about that, but he had been definitely aroused by how much Eddie had been bossy towards him, even when they just folded clothes together. Well… That was a thought and a discussion for another time. 

Despite how tired his body was, Richie then grabbed a snack, sitting on the couch to eat it, turning on the TV. His eyelids started to flutter, and he was out before he could think to go back to his room with Eddie.

A few hours later, Mike came home, stumbling drunkenly in their flat, letting himself fall on the couch just next to Richie, resting his head against him. Richie stirred up, and Mike slurred, a pouted expression on his face:

"Y' di'n't do the naughty here, uh?"

Richie laughed uncontrollably and shook his head, reassuring his friend:

"No, we kept the "naughty" to our room, Mike."

"Good. 'Gonna sleep."

"Not here, Mikey Mike. Come on, you drunk fuck."

Mike protested, resisting weakly when Richie pulled him up.

"Imma not drunk!"

"Yeah, right. Come on, Mike."

Richie managed to guide him to his room, taking away his shoes, socks, and coat, not daring to take off the rest without Mike's proper consent. Mike grumbled in his pillow, and Richie adjusted him on his side, in case he were to throw up. He was about to leave when he heard him moaning sleepily a name, a name all too familiar:

"Stay, Bill..."

Richie froze, but Mike closed his eyes and finally fell asleep. He watched him silently for a minute, before leaving the room. He didn't close the door, so that he would hear it if Mike ever needed him. Richie joined Eddie in their bed. Eddie opened an eye and curled up against him, before going back to sleep.

Despite how tired he was, Richie didn't manage to find sleep for a while, staring at the ceiling, Mike's words echoing in his head. What was he supposed to do now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Well, Richie and Eddie are definitely discovering their respective kinks xD. Aside from that, it was really fun to write Eddie bossing Richie around gently, cleaning with him, taking care of his skin and all. And the dance scene, I loved writing it **. I hope you liked it too!
> 
> Mike drunkenly confessed his love for Bill to Richie, what's going to happen after that? Suspens x). Can't wait to write it all!
> 
> I hope you had fun reading this chapter! Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos to let me know or even if you have some criticism to make, I'm totally open to it c:. You can also subscribe to this series and story, if you feel like it!
> 
> Take care! Have a nice day and see you soon!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 14th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you'll like it!
> 
> During the day, I finally figured out how I wanted to end this story and tie it all together, I can't wait to show you all of that **. Despite how tiring this whole week was, I'm so happy right now!
> 
> I hope you're doing okay. Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of emetophobia  
> TW for mention of internalized ableism
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

It was a morning painfully hard to wake from. Richie was probably the one who got away with it all the best, only mildly tired by his intercourse with Eddie the day before. His partner, on the other hand, was still hazy, looking at his hot chocolate as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, squirming on his chair, his crotch still hurting slightly after their intense grinding and the overstimulation he experienced. And Mike… Well, Mike looked like a mess.

His friend definitely drank too much the night before, and he was currently massaging his temples, waiting for the effervescent medication in his glass to fizzle entirely so that he’ll be able to swallow it. Fortunately for him, it was his day off, so Mike would probably spend the rest of the day wallowing in his hangover and regretting the many, many drinks he gulped the day before. Richie smiled at the thought. He would have loved to be here to see it, that was for sure…

Taking a bite of his toast, nudging Eddie so that he wouldn’t drown in his hot chocolate, Richie glanced at Mike, his mind filled with contradicting thoughts. He kept hearing his friend’s small beg, right before leaving him in his room to sleep. “Stay, Bill”, that’s what he said before he was out like a light. The way he moaned his name, asked him to stay… There was nothing platonic about it. Nothing.

But should he bring it up to him? Richie wasn’t even sure he remembered it. Mike was already half asleep when he said it, and, with what he drank the night before, it was very likely that he experienced at least one blackout, if not more. If he couldn’t remember saying it, Mike would probably be mortified to know that he betrayed himself like that. And if he could… Well, it was up to him to bring it up, right?

But Richie knew how complicated it could be. Maybe the Losers Club had shown that they were accepting and open-minded, thanks to his own coming out, but Mike’s potential feelings towards Bill were on a whole other level. Eddie was definitely single when Richie pinned for him. Bill was not. And as much as he was okay with Richie and Eddie’s relationship, there was no way to be sure that Big Bill would be so much at ease with Mike’s feelings towards him.

If Mike confessed and Bill started to feel awkward in his presence, their friendship would take a hard hit. Richie could easily imagine Mike trying to leave their group so that they wouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of his choice, but he would never let that happen. Even if it meant that he had to fight Bill on this, something that didn’t happen for years. He loved Mike, and he loved Bill. He wouldn’t give up on either of them.

Maybe it would do him some good if Mike managed to talk about all of that. To share his doubts, his issues, ask for advice (even if Richie wasn’t sure he’d be able to guide him properly in this complicated story), and be able to rely on his friends. Richie sighed, and Eddie glanced at him, raising an eyebrow. He smiled at his boyfriend, ruffling his hair:

“Don’t worry, I’m still a bit tired. Yesterday was pretty intense, right?”

Eddie nodded, pulling out a grin before he started to yawn, leaning on Richie’s shoulder. He let him do so, appreciating the feeling, how close they were. Richie had been worried he lost it all the day before, when he went too far in his joke and upset his boyfriend. He could have ruined their relationship so easily, just because he didn’t know when to stop and wouldn’t listen… But Eddie accepted his apology, and Richie did his best to make up for it, showing his devotion and total trust to his partner.

Eddie could have asked of him so many things. He could have taken advantage of him in many ways, but he didn’t. Instead, they merely cleaned and danced together. Eddie even took care of his skin, lips, and hair, with such zeal that Richie had the feeling that his body was radiating and thanking his boyfriend today. Which was probably exaggerated, but he didn’t care. And, of course, they had sex afterward.

But Eddie didn’t try to cross his boundaries. He didn’t ask for something that he knew Richie couldn’t bring himself to do. In fact, he didn’t even really boss him around. Eddie waited for his explicit consent, and he told him to do “whatever he wanted” so that he would experience _la petite mort._ Richie didn’t know if his boyfriend did, but he hoped he achieve this purpose. Eddie deserved all of that and even more.

Eddie allowed Richie to stimulate him in any way he could think of, and it was a degree of trust he didn’t think he deserved, especially after their fight. Richie could have messed it up, but he didn’t. He did his best for Eddie, and Eddie loved it. His Eddie. His cute, sweet, horny bunny. Richie had giggled when he noticed that his boyfriend woke up with morning wood, grimacing sympathetically when Eddie expressed that it was painful. Richie hoped the feeling would fade during the day, that his lovely partner wouldn’t have to experience something akin to carpet burn for too long…

But, to be honest, he did warn Eddie that it might hurt, after his first orgasm. That he would feel overstimulated. But Eddie was so decided to come in sync with Richie, like in the movies, that he insisted on doing so. Seeing him so turned on was an image Richie would probably never forget, a memory that would inhabit most of his wet dreams for the rest of his life… 

It was definitely too much for his Eddie Spaghetti, who collapsed onto him as soon as he came for the second time, unable to do anything else than to sleep for hours and hours. His body was still recovering, but Eddie didn’t seem to regret it, far from it. 

Richie never expected his boyfriend to be so sexually active when they got together, but he wasn’t complaining. He just hoped he’d be able to match his enthusiasm, which wasn’t an easy thing to do with his internalized homophobia… But they were working on it, and they’ll find their rhythm, the right balance for both of them. Richie was sure of that.

They finished their breakfast, and Richie gently offered to take care of their dishes, while Mike waddled towards the couch and let himself fall on the piece of furniture, a painful sigh escaping his lips. Eddie winced as soon as he got up, and Richie jokingly suggested, winking at his boyfriend:

“Maybe you could go commando for the day, it might do you some good.”

Eddie was definitely unaware of this lingo, his face showing his confusion regarding Richie’s words quite clearly. Richie chuckled, whispering to his ear when Eddie got closer: 

“It means not wearing underwear. You could forego the clothes too.”

Eddie rolled his eyes at his words, and Richie said louder:

“I’m sure Mike would love to see your junk hanging around!”

“No, please.” Mike’s voice was straining with pain. “I do not need to see that. No offense, Eddie.”

Richie grinned, very satisfied with himself. Putting the dishes away, he led his boyfriend to the couch, assuring him plainly:

“He’s saying that because he’d be jealous if he saw it.”

“No, I wouldn’t be.”

“Oh yeah?” Richie looked at him with a smug face. “Then why don’t you want to see his junk, Mikey Mike? I’ve heard nudism has plenty of virtues.”

Mike didn’t even grant him an answer, only grunting and massaging his temples, while Eddie didn’t know if he was supposed to laugh or to groan as well. While Richie disposed fluffy pillows on Eddie’s designated place on the couch, so that it wouldn’t hurt so much to sit, he also kept on teasing both of his roommates at the same time, continuing his nonsense rant:

“Mike’s not a connoisseur, he can’t recognize art even when it’s right in front of him. You could rub your balls all over his face, he wouldn’t be able to see how beautiful they are.”

Mike’s suffering face turned into disgust at the mental image, and he lightly shoved Richie, grumbling at the same time:

“Beep Beep, Richie.”

“Yessir!”

They turned on the TV, keeping at a low volume so that neither Mike nor Eddie would feel too overwhelmed. Today was not going to be constructive, that much was certain… Richie wasn’t complaining. He was with the people he loved so much, ready for a day of nothing, aside from cuddling with his partner and trying to relieve his friend of his hangover. He’d better enjoy it, because the weekend was getting close, and they would celebrate their birthday.

Richie had no idea what they planned to do, but he doubted it involved all of them knitting and drinking chamomile. It was probably going to be wild and exciting, especially since Eddie seemed decided to keep it all a secret from him at all costs. Richie caressed his cheek at the thought, smiling fondly at Eddie’s sleepy yet intense expression, engulfed in the show displayed on their television.

Richie really regretted his stupid joke and, more than that, that he didn’t listen to Eddie properly. He should have known that they were far past their usual antics and that Eddie was getting truly upset. He should have made sure of that, at least. Ask him about it. Instead, Richie just assumed, and it was for the worst. He was grateful that his Eddie was so forgiving and understanding, but he knew better than to think that he would be let off the hook so easily if he did it again. Not that Richie would blame him. He definitely went too far.

He knew, though, that Eddie needed to know that his opinion mattered and that his needs and his wishes weren’t being ignored. His boyfriend spent so many years at the mercy of his mother, obeying to her every whim, suffering at her hands while she pretended that it was for his well-being. He begged, he asked for her to stop, but she never did. And now that Eddie learned that he deserved to be listened to, Richie just had to pull this off… For fuck’s sake.

Eddie huffed slightly, adjusting his position, trying to find the less painful way to sit. Richie patted his head encouragingly, asking him if he wanted to be massaged:

“ _If I see a single one of your fingers getting close to my dick, I’m biting them off.”_

“Oh, feisty, I love it!”

Richie touched Eddie’s nose, letting out a teasing “Boop” while doing so, and his boyfriend groaned, before snuggling a bit more against him. Right, that’s what their dynamic was. Eddie wasn’t truly annoyed right now. He was just playing their game, while trying to relieve himself of the subsiding pain in his crotch…

Richie glanced at Mike, who hadn’t reacted much since they joined him on the couch. Clearing his throat, he tried to test the waters, see how much his friend remembered of the evening and night before:

“So, uh, you had a nice time with your colleagues yesterday? They seem cool. I’d love to join you all one of these days. Right, Eddie?”

Eddie nodded, although he didn’t seem as enthusiastic as Richie was. Not that he would blame him. It was most likely noisy and would necessitate for Eddie to leave his comfort zone for quite some time, something he didn’t know he’d be able to handle, especially with a crowd that was less aware of his disability, like Mike’s colleagues. 

Richie would never force him to go through that. Never. But if Mike invited them and Eddie said he was okay to give it a try, then he’ll be more than happy to be by his side, reminding him every now and then that it was more than okay to leave at any given time, even if they didn’t even have a single drink yet. Who knew, maybe Eddie would actually have a good time, as he did when they celebrated New Year’s Eve with the Losers…

But now wasn’t the time to reminisce of the past. Richie had to focus on Mike! Mike, who turned his head towards him, thinking about his answer:

“Uh, yeah, it was fun. I think I sang some cheesy pop song at a Karaoke at some point...”

“And I missed that?” Richie gasped audibly, putting the back of his hand over his forehead. “Mike, how could you? You should have called me!”

Mike grimaced, shaking his head and wincing even more at the careless motion:

“As if. Not when you’re doing whatever god knows what with Eddie. I don’t need to hear you panting your way through a call.”

“Me panting is nothing but music to the ears. And you haven’t heard Eddie’s magnificent whines! I should have recorded them for your appreciation. I’m sure you would have enjoyed them. It kinda sounds like that!”

Richie attempted to reproduce his boyfriend’s moans, and it sounded anything but sexy. Mike tried to look annoyed, but to no avail. He started to laugh, quickly followed by Eddie, before he let out a pained noise:

“Richie, don’t make me laugh, it hurts...”

“Sorry, Mikey. Promise, I’ll be serious from now on. Hyper, mega, definitely serious. Look at how serious I can be!”

Richie frowned and pretended to concentrate on something, a face so exaggerated and unnatural that it got Eddie to snort, which, in turn, made Mike laugh and wince again. Richie rolled his eyes at the sight:

“You can’t blame me on this one. I did tell you that I was trying to be serious.”

“Shut up, Richie.”

Richie smirked, but he didn’t say another word. After a while, a comfortable and tired silence floating between them, Richie asked him, caressing Eddie’s hair softly:

“So, apart from the Karaoke that I’m so sad to have missed… What did you do yesterday?”

Mike shrugged, snuggling under the plaid that was lying on their couch:

“Honestly? I’m not sure. My mind is a blur. I remember some parts, but it’s like it’s garbled. One thing I’m sure of is that I definitely drank too much.”

Richie chuckled at his words. He hesitated to change the subject, but he decided to tiptoe around it carefully, offering an opening to Mike if he remembered and decided to talk about it:

“You almost fell on me when you came back home. I had to drag you to your room and take off your shoes and coat, while you kept telling me that you weren’t drunk. You almost got me, dude, you were pulling off the “not drunk guy” act very convincingly.”

Mike visibly cringed at the thought. He finally whispered, caressing his neck:

“I don’t remember any of it. You could tell me that I ran around naked, and I would be forced to believe you.”

So he didn’t remember. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe not. Richie wished he had a better understanding of how humans and relationships worked, but he was stuck with what he had. While he was pondering on this thought, wondering if he should still bring up Bill and Mike’s drunken moan of his name, Eddie teased Mike, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Maybe you did run around naked, and Richie is trying to maintain what’s left of your dignity?”_

“I would never! If Mike did something so ridiculous, I’d definitely tell him. And show him pics. Then, I’ll mail them to every member of the Losers Club, of course. Need to keep them updated on how good you’re feeling… And how well-endowed you surely are, of course!”

Mike seemed to choke on his saliva at the thought, and Richie felt obligated to add that it was a joke and that he’ll never do such a thing. Sending a naked pic of drunk Mike to his friends? Really? Especially to Bill… Mike would never be able to get over it. Or simply make eye contact with Bill anymore.

If Eddie received such a thing back when they weren’t a thing… Well, Eddie would have probably pretended to be very annoyed and tired of his antics, but he would have definitely laughed or snorted uncontrollably. Bill, on the other hand… It was pretty hard to predict how he would react. Not in this type of situation.

Probably trying to change the subject and forget about how anxiety-inducing this idea was, Mike proceeded to ask, raising an eyebrow:

“What makes you think that I’m “well-endowed”, as you said? And be careful about your words!”

“Well, I’m pretty sure the smallest in the room is my tiny angry gremlin, so there’s that. His little soldier is as cute as him.”

Eddie whined and flicked Richie on the forehead, complaining loudly and using his lightwriter to express his outrage:

“ _I’m not tiny, and I told you to stop calling my cock like that!”_

“You are my cutie patootie, Eddie, you can’t deny it. And it’s not the size that matters, but what you’re making of it.”

Mike wiped his face with his hand, asking with a pleading voice:

“Can we please stop talking about our dicks? My hangover is killing me, I don’t need those mental images on top of that.”

Eddie nodded, but Richie stuck out his tongue childishly, arguing with an amused voice:

“You’re the one who asked, Mike. I can still look for a ruler, and we’ll pull down our pants to settle this for once.”

“Over my dead body.”

Richie was about to add something when his cellphone rang. Eddie clutched his ears and moaned painfully, Mike wincing as well, and Richie apologized quickly, accepting the call. He thought it might just be some company trying to scam him, something he’d be able to put an end quickly, but it wasn’t the case. He had been called by Samantha Enslin, owner of the pub “1408”.

Richie gave them his resume recently, attracted by their open-mic stage and the chilling atmosphere of the place, but he didn’t expect them to call so soon… Or even to contact him at all.

“Y… Yeah?”

Richie cleared his throat, straightening up and cringing at his own answer. It was not the time to ruin it all and make a bad impression!

The woman merely laughed at his awkwardness, telling him that she was glad to give him a chance and see how he would fare during a shift if he was up to it. The afternoon shouldn’t be too busy, so it would be good for him to get the hang of it and see if it was a match, for all of the parties implied. Of course, Richie agreed, despite how nervous he was and not only at the idea that he basically only got one shot at this. Accepting this job would mean spending less time with Eddie, after all…

When he hung up, Richie was quite stunned. He didn’t know how to react, couldn’t tell if he was pleased, afraid, reluctant, or enthusiastic about the whole thing… Fuck. Fuck him. Mike and Eddie were looking at him, clearly concerned, and Richie had no idea what he was supposed to say. He kept it simple, answering to their silent question with a slightly broken voice:

“I… uh… I think I got a job.”

Richie was expecting Eddie to express that he was worried, perhaps clinging onto him and telling him to think about it carefully, maybe not admitting that he just wanted Richie to stay with him. But if Eddie did hug him, he didn’t try to keep him at home.

“ _I’m so proud of you, Richie! You’re gonna be the best!”_

Richie felt a bit hurt at the thought that Eddie didn’t even hesitate, but he chased this idea quickly. It was progress. Eddie wasn’t afraid to spend time without him as he was before. He had the autism association, Mike, and, as he managed to prove it to himself, his friend and his partner, Eddie was perfectly able to go out on his own, even if he didn’t go far from their flat for now. He didn’t need to follow Richie’s every step anymore… And it was good, definitely good.

Richie would just need time to adjust to this idea, that was all. He was still very clingy, and imagining himself spending so much time without Eddie was clearly making him nervous. Mike definitely noticed, but he wasn’t sure Eddie did. Richie patted his boyfriend’s head, and Mike asked him, his voice laced with concern:

“What kind of job? And what do you mean by “I think”?”

Mike, always so perceptive… Keeping Eddie near him and hugging him tenderly, almost desperately, Richie answered:

“It’s this pub I talked to you about, you know? When we were at the arcade?”

Mike suddenly remembered, and he nodded, wincing slightly:

“Oh yeah! The one with the open-mic stage, right?”

Eddie let out an interrogative noise, and Richie proceeded to explain to his boyfriend what it exactly entailed, still not quite used to how much his boyfriend had been sheltered and kept ignorant of so many things. Eddie nodded thoughtfully, before asking with a curious gaze:

“ _Is it something you’d like to do? Perform?”_

Suddenly, Richie felt awfully ridiculous. As if he could really make people laugh as a job! Or not even a job, just a hobby… His puns were terrible, his impressions barely meeting the standard minimum, and he would likely throw up before even getting on stage! He… He…

“ _I think you’d be very good, Richie. At your job and at this open-mic stuff.”_

Richie let out a soft “Oh”, while Eddie was caressing his cheek, kissing him softly on the lips. Then his boyfriend nuzzled his face in the crook of his neck, and Richie literally melted, trying to capture that feeling and keep it in mind as long as possible. He’d be able to get through this. He’ll show this lady how good of an employee he could be! And then he’ll be able to pay his part of the rent for real, not relying anymore on his parents’ income or Eddie’s money from his mother’s books and documentary.

Despite the fact that Mike and Eddie were definitely feeling better on the couch, they still got up and followed Richie to his room, helping him to choose the clothes he should put on for this afternoon shift.

Richie’s heart was going to his usual Hawaiian shirts, while Eddie was decided for him to put on what he called his “business clothes” and that he usually used whenever he had to go to some kind of formal event (weddings, funerals, he’d wear the same attire every time. As long as it remained in a good state, it was fine, right?). On the other hand, Mike was more inclined to dress him up in a “casual/serious” ensemble, as he described it. Mike’s idea was approved unanimously, and Richie spent most of his time adjusting his collar and fiddling with his glasses, unable to focus on anything else than what was to come. 

Even Eddie’s attempt at cooking him pasta (which wasn’t half-bad, maybe slightly burnt) wasn’t enough to pull him out of this state. He didn’t even crack a joke about it, only playing with his food nervously. Eddie couldn’t take it anymore, and he got up from his chair at some point, hugging Richie from behind, whining softly.

Richie pulled back his chair, and Eddie naturally sat on his knees, as if it was all a well-prepared choreography. Eddie caressed his cheek tenderly, before typing on his lightwriter:

“ _You need to relax, Richie. Even if you don’t have this job, it’s okay. You still were interesting enough for them to call back. Others would too.”_

Richie nodded, but he didn’t know if he was more worried about the fact that he might fail his trial afternoon or, on the contrary, that he might actually ace it. Mike seemed to understand his predicament, getting near them and putting his hand on Richie’s, squeezing it tightly:

“Whatever happens, you don’t have to worry. Just think about yourself and try to have a good afternoon. Eddie and I will just spend the rest of the day watching some show or movie on TV, or I’ll challenge him to chess if I’m totally recovered by then. We’ll keep our phone close, call us whenever you feel like it. Don’t worry, Eddie will look after me through my hangover.”

Eddie nodded energetically, whining approvingly to support his friend’s words, while Mike was winking at Richie. Richie was extremely thankful that Mike didn’t bring out directly how worried and clingy he was towards Eddie. He didn’t want to give his boyfriend’s wrong impression, to make him think that he didn’t trust him. He did… It was himself that he didn’t trust so much.

After a long hug and another kiss, Eddie got up from Richie’s knees, walking painfully towards his chair, sitting on the pillow Richie put on it for him. He remained close to his boyfriend, nudging him under the table here and there, showing to Richie that he was there and that he loved him. That nothing would change, whatever happened. They’ll just spend less time together, that’s all… Richie wanted to cry at the thought.

He shook his head, admonishing himself for this thought. No, it was for the best. He and Eddie needed to have moments where they weren’t together. Where they could have their own lives, not relying so much on each other. If anything, Richie definitely needed it, because he had more and more trouble picturing himself without Eddie by his side, even though he knew rationally that he could do it, that he did it recently again and again and that it went well. He’ll be even happier to see him after his shift… For sure.

Finishing their meal, Richie brushed his teeth and combed his wild hair one last time, before asking Eddie for a goodbye kiss and jokingly doing the same with Mike. He expected him to roll his eyes at the demand, but he actually complied, kissing him on the cheek in a platonic way, before patting his shoulder:

“You’re gonna blow their mind, Richie. You can do it.”

Richie silently nodded, because he didn’t want to risk hearing his voice cracking, answering Mike. He took a deep breath, adjusting his collar one last time, and he finally stepped out of their flat, giving one last look at his roommates. His family. They both waved at him, a confident smile on their lips. They trusted him… They trusted him fully and completely. They believed that he had every chance of getting this job and were cheering him from afar.

Richie inhaled, exhaled, and managed to smile back at them, sending a kiss to Eddie, who did the same afterward. Time to get this job. Time to show his family and himself that he could let Eddie live his own life. That he wasn’t as clingy as he used to be. He could do it. Richie could do it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Richie's getting a job, yay :D! And he'll probably try on the open-mic stage too, at some point ;). He still needs to learn to be less clingy towards Eddie, though. Eddie's more and more able to do things on his own, without needing much company, but it's not the case for Richie. He'll get better at it, though.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, it was nice to write! Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos, I'd love to hear what you thought about it! You can also subscribe to this series and/or story, if you feel like it!
> 
> Have a nice day and see you soon!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 15th chapter of this fanfic! Well, it has been a doozy to write, that's for sure. I'm sick as hell (my stomach suddenly decided to torture me and I have no idea why) and Grammarly took years to function properly (I could have posted this chapter hours ago, but I wanted to spellcheck it before >_<). 
> 
> I'm honestly relieved it's finally out. Thank you for your support and for being there, I honestly don't think I would have been able to write it otherwise.
> 
> I hope you'll like it, I'm putting the Trigger Warnings and the rest of the author's notes and I'm going to try to get some sleep and forget about my suffering guts >_<. 
> 
> TW for mention of emetophobia  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of ableism
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Mike took a deep breath, looking at his watch way too often for it to be natural. He knew that Richie was starting to get suspicious, glancing at him here and there, but he couldn’t help it. The Losers were supposed to arrive at any moment now, but they weren’t here yet, and he started to get anxious that something might have happened. The car they rented could have broken down, or they were stuck in traffic or whatnot…

But more than the idea that they could arrive late, it was the fact that Mike was going to see Bill after all this time. If only he could have come alone, but he had to bring Audra with him. Mike had been tempted to argue to make it a “Losers Club only” weekend, but it would have meant excluding Patty as well, and he wouldn’t have had any legit reasons to do so. Everyone loved Patty and Stanley needed her to remain grounded and feel confident that he could handle this weekend far away from his usual routine.

He didn’t even know Audra. She could be a really nice person, Mike had no way to assume that it would be otherwise. He just had this… feeling. And he tried to tell himself that it wasn’t related to the fact that she was with Bill, that he would still have that weird impression if she was with Stan or Ben, but he was lying to himself, and he knew it. It was about Bill, not Audra specifically. And Mike hated himself for that.

Mike tried to focus back on the movie that they were currently watching, but to no avail. His thoughts kept drifting towards Bill, the fact that he would be here, with them… With him. He munched on his fingernails, trying to reassure Eddie with an unconvincing smile when his friend glanced at him, visibly concerned. Eddie winked discreetly, before he went back to snuggling with Richie, who was caressing his hair mindlessly.

Mike could only envy how comfortable they were together, how easily and naturally they would touch each other, without thinking about it twice. Eddie could climb on Richie’s knees and hug him if he wanted to do so, and Richie wouldn’t bat an eye, greeting him happily on his lap. Mike couldn’t imagine himself doing so with Bill. Whenever he tried to, it always seemed weird. Strange in a way that he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

He wasn’t used to being openly affectionate with the people he loved. Mike didn’t remember most of his relationship with his parents, he was way too young when they died, and he found himself being raised by his grandparents. Maybe they used to hug him pretty often, he had no way of knowing it. But it wasn’t really the case with his grandfather and his grandmother.

They weren’t mean or cold, nothing like that. Mike had no doubts about the fact that they loved him. But it was a “tough” love, nothing like the kind of relationship that Richie had with his own parents (or Eddie with them, for that matter). Physical contact was rare, words were used sparingly, and feelings were kept locked most of the time. Maybe they were afraid that showing their love openly would “weaken” Mike, or perhaps they never really learned how to do it themselves.

As a result, Mike always had to make a conscious effort whenever he put a hand on his friends’ shoulder or knee or when he engaged in a hug. It wasn’t something he was doing effortlessly and mindlessly. He had to think about it carefully and, sometimes, he would tense when his friends touched him without warning him beforehand.

It wasn’t like Eddie, who had sensory issues and could have a hard time processing touch when he was tired or when it came from someone he wasn’t familiar with. None of that for Mike. He just needed to open himself up to this kind of affection, after so many years without it…

Richie straightened up on the couch, yawning lazily. He seemed decided to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day, a thought that put on a smile on Mike’s face. If he knew who was about to arrive, he wouldn’t be so relaxed and sluggish, that was for sure…

Mike thought back to the day before, when Richie came home after his trial afternoon at the pub. They didn’t give him an immediate answer, telling him that they had other candidates and would inform him next week or so. Richie was convinced that he ruined it all, because he mixed up two orders at some point, but Mike knew how much his friend tended to doubt himself and was more hopeful. Eddie was just as reassuring, reminding Richie how easily he connected with people, which was clearly an asset in this line of work.

Mike definitely hoped that they were going to hire Richie. His friend needed to have his own space, a place where he could meet new people, befriend his colleagues, and so on. As much as Mike loved spending time with his friends and roommates, he also appreciated the moments he got to spend with his peers at the library, being able to share with them topics that he couldn’t really talk about with Eddie or Richie, enjoying activities that he wasn’t able to do with his friends otherwise.

If Eddie seemed to be able to spend time without Richie around, it was visibly more difficult for Richie to do so. Mike had been worried that he would refuse to try for this job because he didn’t want to leave Eddie behind. He knew Richie all too well not to be aware that his nervousness wasn’t just about not being sure that he could handle the job trial. But if Richie didn’t take this first step, he would never be able to do so. And Eddie wouldn’t be able to have his own space and to keep on progressing and recovering.

So, yeah, maybe Richie and Eddie were _too much_. Perhaps they needed to take a step back. But Mike still envied their love and how easily they expressed it. If only he had been able to do the same, maybe Bill wouldn’t be with Audra right now… Maybe they could…

Thankfully for him, Mike’s thoughts came to a halt when they heard the doorbell ringing. Eddie clutched to his ears as a reflex, while Richie raised an eyebrow, getting up and saying out loud, more to himself than anything else:

“We’re not expecting anyone...”

He went to get the door, while Mike and Eddie shared a look and grinned openly, now that Richie couldn’t see them. They waited for a few seconds, before they heard Richie’s exclamation, his excitement going through the roof while he realized that his friends were all there for his birthday. Eddie was the first to get up, Mike following him hesitantly, trying not to let them know how anxious he was.

He was just going to spend a lovely weekend with his friends, nothing more. Nothing to get nervous about. Nothing. The first person Mike saw was Stan, who was hugged quite tightly by Eddie and trying to breathe. He laughed at the sight, while Richie saved his friend, patting his boyfriend’s head:

“Come on, Eds, Stan is a human, he needs oxygen to live, and he can’t get any when you’re hugging him like that. Besides, everyone else is waiting for their own hug!”

Eddie finally consented to let go of Stan, who inhaled and exhaled deeply, Patty doing her best not to laugh at his predicament, and he jumped to Ben and Beverly, hugging them both. Mike got closer, not really knowing how to greet everyone. He was staying behind, his heart beating too fast, trying to figure out how to insert himself in this joyful mess, when a voice took him by surprise:

“Hey, Mike.”

Mike gulped, lowering his head slightly and meeting Bill’s gaze. The first thing he noticed was the affectionate grip that he had on his girlfriend’s waist, who seemed somewhat confused by the whole thing, her eyes darting everywhere. And Audra, she… she was really beautiful. Mike could easily see it. There was something elegant about her, a beauty different from Patty or Bev. It was almost intimidating, as if she wasn’t quite of this world.

And yet, she seemed kind, greeting them all one by one, not batting an eye at Eddie’s behavior and whines, something that Mike didn’t expect from her. If she was weirded out, she was hiding it really well. A fleeting thought invaded Mike’s mind, something akin to regret, because he knew that she would be shunned out unanimously if she rejected Eddie in any way, and Bill would most likely break up with her. He chased this idea very quickly, feeling ashamed that he was really selfish enough to form this kind of thought.

“You’re okay, Mike?”

Mike stopped zoning out, focusing back on Bill, who was smiling gently at him, a hint of concern in his gaze. Mike was about to say something, but Richie cut him off before he had the chance to, getting closer to Bill and putting both of his hands on his shoulders, looking him straight in the eyes and saying with a serious tone:

“Bill. Big Bill. I have to ask you. What the fuck is up with _that_?”

Richie grabbed Bill’s hair slightly brutally or, more precisely, his ponytail. Bill grimaced and let out a pained whine, causing Richie to apologize quickly:

“Sorry, I was wondering if it was fake. No, you really looked at yourself in the mirror and decided that it would be your look for the rest of your life. For my birthday! Bill, how could you?”

Bill chuckled awkwardly and answered, while Audra was rearranging his hair tenderly:

“I… I don’t know. I didn’t really take care of myself when I was writing my book, and my hair just grew. I didn’t cut it because Audra likes to comb my hair. Is it really that bad?”

“Absolutely.” Richie retorted, while Eddie nodded, and the rest of the Losers Club was split between a shrug and an apologetic smile. “It makes me want to pull on it. I’m the birthday boy, so it’s my right to do so!”

Bill grimaced at his words, and Audra chuckled, kissing him on the cheek. Mike felt his organs twisting in his body, and he wondered if he was going to throw up, right here and right now. Instead, he managed to keep a straight face, while Audra was reassuring Bill:

“I love you, and I think you’re beautiful, no matter what. And it’s true, I love to put my fingers in your hair. It’s so soft and sweet.”

Bill grinned openly, and Mike knew that he wouldn’t cut his hair, even if he was doubtful about it. His friend was in love, and he would do anything to please Audra. Even if it meant putting aside his own feelings. Mike’s concern raised at the thought, and he glanced at the woman with a wary gaze, turning his head slightly when she started to look back. No way he would let her know what he was feeling at the moment…

Richie led them all to the living room, so excited that he could barely keep himself seated, only managing to do so because Eddie sat on his knees, so that everyone would be able to share a space on their couch. He ruffled his boyfriend’s hair, claiming with an amused voice:

“You assholes! So that’s what you were preparing all along! I knew there was something planned for my birthday, but seeing you all there, I...”

Richie’s voice slightly broke at this moment, and he had to take a deep breath, pushing up his glasses to wipe his wet eyes:

“I never would have guessed it. It’s just… It’s so hard for all of us to be able to see each other.”

“We all made sure to clean up our schedule.” Bev smiled, caressing Ben’s hand. “We couldn’t miss our favorite Trashmouth’s birthday. 21 years old, you’ll finally be allowed to buy booze on your own!”

“Yeah, and it’s about time! I’m a big boy, now! Right, Eds?”

Eddie shrugged, smirking as an answer, and Richie gasped, pretending to be offended. He quickly came back to his senses and, pouring to everyone a soda glass, he immediately focused his attention on Audra and Bill:

“So, you’re Bill’s sweetheart. You know how hard it is to get a single word out of his mouth that isn’t about you, dearie? I feel like I know more about your life than Bill’s!”

Bill reddened at Richie’s words, while Audra chuckled awkwardly, shaking her head with a smile:

“I’m sorry about that. Bill is such a romantic, it’s almost embarrassing sometimes. Bill, honey, you do know that there are way more interesting things to share about your life than me, right?”

“Uh… I...”

Bill started to stammer, and Mike started to feel bad for his friend. He was about to save him from his embarrassment when Audra seemed to have the same idea, putting down her glass and pointing Stan with her index finger:

“So, you’re Stanley, right? And you’re studying birds, if I remember it correctly?”

“Ornithology, yes.” Stan smiled widely, tapping his glass with his finger a few times. “I stopped my current studies, and I’m prepping myself for September.”

“That’s awesome! It’s very brave to just start it all over again, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do the same...”

Bill put his hand on Audra’s shoulder, telling her gently:

“Honey, you took a big leap of faith too, when you decided to become an actress. It’s really br...”

Audra shushed her boyfriend, a knowing smile on her lips:

“Bill. We’re talking about your friends right now.”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”

Bill slumped down on the couch, and Mike’s heart tightened up slightly at the sight. He seemed so dejected, unable to talk about his girlfriend’s accomplishments… But as much as Mike hated to admit it, Audra was right. She was talking about Stan, not about herself. Mike started to see how it was all going, and he didn’t like it one bit…

Meanwhile, Audra was already back to her little game, looking at Patty:

“And you’re Patty, right? Well, it was easy, Stan is so affectionate with you. And you’re studying to become a teacher, I think?”

“I’m finishing up my studies. Next semester, I’ll start teaching preschoolers. I just hope I’m not going to faint on the big day.”

“I’m sure it’ll be just fine, Patty.”

Stanley raised her hand to his lips, kissing it gently. Was it just Mike, or did everyone seem to be overly affectionate? He didn’t like how uneasy it made him feel…

“Ben and Beverly, of course!” Audra’s voice raised slightly when she mentioned Beverly’s name, admitting with a nervous smile. “I’m a big fan. I wore one of your first creations at the premiere of my movie. You’re going to get big, I just know it!”

“Oh no, you really wore that?” Beverly chuckled behind her hand. “It’s such a flawed creation. Next time, just call me, and I’ll create something just for you.”

“An exclusive Marsh outfit? Bill, pinch me, I think I’m going to die!”

Audra was… Audra was just nice. She fitted in with everyone else and it was obvious that she made a conscious effort to learn about them beforehand. She had a kind word for everyone, related to their interests, and she didn’t make a single mistake so far, identifying them easily. Everyone was suspended to her lips, enjoying her company. Bill was gazing at her with his eyes full of love and adoration. How the fuck could Mike even hope to compete?

“And Ben, Bill told me that you built some kind of clubhouse when you were all kids? I hope I can see it this weekend!”

Ben was about to say something when Mike dropped his glass, shattering it on the floor. He quickly apologized, getting up to look for a broom and cleaning it up before someone accidentally stepped on it. Fuck, fuck, fuck… Mike needed to calm down. He really needed to. It’s just… It was _their_ place. The Losers Club’s safe space. Mike had so many feelings about the clubhouse… Even to this day, if he had to think of a place to hide and feel protected and comforted, the first thing to pop in his mind was the clubhouse. 

But Patty got to see it, and you weren’t bothered then, remember, Mike? But he didn’t want to think about that. It wasn’t about Audra. It wasn’t about Bill. No. Not at all. Mike bit his bottom lip, while he was getting back to the couch and cleaning his mess. He focused back on their discussion when he heard Audra mentioning Eddie’s name:

“And I immediately knew who you were, Eddie!”

“ _Why?”_

Mike grimaced, before forcing himself to put on a straight face. They all knew the answer. They all knew why Audra guessed who he was. As if it was so difficult to do… Eddie with his lightwriter, his peculiar way of communicating, the scar on his cheek… Mike was waiting for Audra to stumble on her words, to get embarrassed, but it wasn’t the case.

“Well, Bill has been very specific when he mentioned you. You’re always stuck to the big guy with the glasses, and right now, you’re sitting on his knees. Unless there’s another person in the group that fits this description, you must be Richie and Eddie.”

Richie laughed at her words, ruffling his boyfriend’s hair:

“Nah, Richie and Eddie couldn’t make it. Actually, we’re Master and Blaster. Together, we’re forming Masterblaster!”

His movie reference and his Voice flew over the head of most people in the room, aside from Audra, who loudly and inelegantly snorted, Bill jumping at the unusual sound coming from his girlfriend. Richie visibly beamed up, and Mike knew that she won him over. His friend loved it whenever he managed to make people laugh, and Audra was no exception. The fact that she seemed to be as much of a movie aficionado as he was made it even easier for him to get to like her…

Mike was lost in his thoughts when his turn came, and he choked on his drink when Bill called him loudly, coughing and crying. Eddie massaged his back, letting out a worried whine, and Mike did his best to reassure him. To reassure them all, actually. It was getting obvious that his behavior was getting more and more noticeable, and he didn’t want to ruin Richie’s day because he was bitter…

“I’m… I’m okay. I had a thing with my colleagues two days ago, I probably drank too much.”

“You should have seen him when he came back!”

Richie laughed, while Mike was begging him silently not to continue. Fortunately for him, his friend was merciful and only said, winking discreetly:

“I wish I had been there at the pub to witness it all, it must have been glorious! You have to show me that side of yours this weekend, period!”

Mike nodded shyly, thinking that he’ll probably spend the whole time drinking if he had to see Bill and Audra kissing each other and being so affectionate during the entire evening. Which was probably a bad idea, thinking about it…

“So, that leaves Mike Hanlon. You’re a librarian, right? Bill told me that you were the first person to receive his book. You even read it before me. I think he trusts your opinion more than his publisher’s.”

She chuckled softly, but Mike couldn’t bring himself to do the same, paralyzed at the thought. He didn’t know that. He didn’t know that he had been the first among his friends to have been given Bill’s book. He… He… Fuck. Mike glanced at Bill, who was smiling at him, and he felt his face brightening up, unable to conceal his joy. Bill thought about him first. Even before his girlfriend.

Audra was expecting his answer, and Mike cleared his throat, saying with a warmer tone:

“Uh, yes, I’m a librarian. I… I was able to buy Bill’s book for my library. My colleagues really liked it. I… I...”

Mike was getting obvious. Awfully obvious. But he couldn’t help it. He managed to get his piece out, looking at his glass as if it was the most interesting thing in the world:

“I loved it. Your book. I loved it for real.”

“Thanks, Mike!” Bill patted his shoulder, and Mike couldn’t help but tense at the touch, his mind obsessing over the idea that his friend just put his hand on his body. “I was a bit worried when it came out. It’s a first book, it’s going to be clumsy in some places. M… Most people didn’t like the ending, actually.”

Bill seemed genuinely hurt, admitting this fact. Mike could understand him. He fought so hard to keep the ending of his book as he wanted it to be, and, now that it was published, most of the critics agreed that it was the weakest point of the story. His ego took a big hit, focusing on the negative reviews rather than those who were positive, even though their numbers far exceeded the bad ones. Mike spent so many hours on the phone, reassuring him and convincing him that he should keep on writing, Bill already thinking about giving up on it…

Slowly, but surely, Audra made herself a place in their little group, currently conversing with Beverly and gushing over the content of her professional portfolio, marveling at her creations, Ben listening to them happily, looking at his partner as if she was one of the Seven Wonders of this world.

Richie and Eddie were catching up with Stan and Patty, chatting energetically. Richie and Stan seemed engaged in a battle of wits, and Eddie and Patty were both supporting their partners, waiting for the other to crack. Mike chuckled at the sight. They were truly incorrigible… Mike wished he could join them, but he found himself at a loss for words every time he started to part his lips, not knowing what to say, who to talk to.

He really, really wanted to discuss with Bill, know how he was feeling, but he didn’t want to risk Audra interfering or to hear him gushing over his girlfriend once again. Mike wanted to hear about him, about Bill, was it too much to ask? He sighed, offering to cook for everyone else while they were enjoying their conversation and their drinks.

To his surprise, Bill got up, offering his help. Taken aback, Mike could only nod quietly, his friend following him enthusiastically:

“I’m a good assistant, but I need you to direct me, Mike! So, what are we going to cook today?”

“Oh… uh… I...”

Mike berated himself silently. He knew what he wanted to cook, he just had to say the words, dammit! Why was he having so much trouble talking to Bill, when he had no problem conversing on the phone with him for hours?

He finally managed to give him this piece of information, and they started to cook together, Bill following his instructions to a T. They should have been sharing small talk, laughing, but Mike was unnaturally quiet, unable to get a word out. Fuck… Fuck, he was really going to ruin everything!

Mike took a deep breath, trying to think of a conversation they could have. Not Audra, that was for sure. He was still figuring out what they could talk about, when Bill took the initiative, sliding next to him, getting so close that Mike jumped, startled:

“So, you noticed it?”

Mike raised an eyebrow, confused. Bill was really, really close… If he took one step forward, he could even k… No, no, he wasn’t having this thought!

“N… Noticed what? You gotta have to be more specific, Bill.”

Bill grinned, reaching for a plate, answering proudly:

“My stutter. It’s almost completely gone.”

And he seemed so happy about it… Mike didn’t know what to say. He liked everything in Bill and his stutter as well. It was a part of him, something that Mike associated with him constantly. He would have never asked him to get rid of it, just like he would never dare to suggest to Eddie that he should talk verbally…

Not fazed by Mike’s silence, Bill continued talking, helping as much as he could:

“My speech therapist told me that I progressed very quickly and that it was barely noticeable now. It’s p… pretty cool, right?”

Mike didn’t want to answer this question. Instead, he just asked, trying to keep a calm tone, as if he wasn’t anxious at all to know what Bill was going to say on the matter:

“So, uh, whose idea was that, the speech therapy and all? Did Audra tell you something?”

Bill shook his head and Mike was clearly surprised by his answer. He thought that he might have come from her, even inadvertently… Visibly, Bill didn’t want to answer this particular question, because he talked too quickly, avoiding Mike’s stare:

“No, she didn’t. It was all me. I took the initiative, I went to the speech therapist and now, I’m all better. End of the story.”

He put down the plate that he was holding too brutally, the noise causing Eddie to let out a whine. Bill apologized, saying that he had been clumsy, before turning back to Mike, asking him in a hurt voice:

“I thought you’d be happy for me, Mike… It was a lot of work.”

“I… I know it is, Bill. I know. It’s just...”

Mike bit his bottom lip, thinking very carefully about his next words. He finally managed to say, hoping that he wasn’t going to upset Bill in the process:

“You were never really preoccupied by that before. I… I was just worried, that’s all.”

Bill looked at him silently for a few seconds. He started to open his mouth, but he closed it and turned his back on Mike, claiming as if he was trying to convince himself more than his friend:

“I’m fine, Mike. You don’t have to worry, I’m p-perfectly fine. Can we… Can we drop the subject?”

Mike couldn’t see Bill’s face at the moment, but he could clearly picture how distressed he was. Insisting would only lead them to a fight, Mike knew it. He sighed, before changing the subject, trying to bury his concerns, without much success:

“What about your next book? You told me you were stuck on something… It was about a car crash or something?”

Bill lightened up at his words, all too happy to get to talk about his stories. Mike listened to him attentively, unable to shake off the deep worry twisting his guts, trying to hide it behind a smile. There was something wrong with Bill. Something really wrong… And Mike needed to figure it out. To help him. Bill needed him. He needed him more than he ever did before...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mike is pining and Bill is hiding god knows why... Next chapters should be quite interesting! Of course, I have to focus on the birthday too, it's Richie's day after all xD. 
> 
> I missed writing about pining, now that Eddie and Richie are together. It was quite fun c:. 
> 
> I was hoping to write more, but I can't get my brain to function properly right now, all I can think about is how much my body is hurting T_T. So, I'm just gonna say that I hope you're all doing fine. You can leave a comment or a kudos if you feel like it, I'd love to exchange with you all on the story and other subjects. Don't forget that you commenting is basically the only way for me to know that you still like my story, so even if it's just for a word or a "<3", don't hesitate c:.
> 
> You can also subscribe to the story or the series, if you want to c:. 
> 
> Take care! Have a nice day and see you soon!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! I'm feeling a lot better, thankfully c:. 
> 
> I had a really nice time writing this chapter, I hope you'll like it! Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for internalized homophobia  
> TW for mention of abuse
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

There was something unnerving about coming back to Derry. Richie could feel it in the air, how tense they were all at this moment. Well, apart from Audra, who never came there before. Bill’s knuckles were gripping their minivan’s wheel tightly, almost turning white. Ben was holding Beverly’s hand and, in a demeanor that seemed so out of character for her, she curled up against him, searching comfort in his presence, her head hidden in the crook of his neck.

Stanley was tapping his index finger against the window, again and again, the noise getting to Richie’s nerves slowly, but surely. He knew better than to let himself get annoyed at his friend’s behavior. How could he blame him, when the last time Stan came here, his father basically disowned him?

Mike wasn’t really any better. His eyes were downcast, and, Richie knew it, he was probably thinking about the library and the fire. Fuck Bowers. Fuck everything that happened.

Derry had been the source of their suffering, for so many years. But Richie wanted to believe that they’d be able to create new memories, stronger than the previous ones, filled with joy and love. Memories they would recall fondly, years after it happened. Derry was nothing, but a stupid small town. And it didn’t get the best of them. It never did.

Richie brushed Eddie’s hair, who seemed a bit more relaxed than them all. He was resting his head against Richie’s shoulder, holding his hand tenderly and caressing the skin softly, letting out tiny whines here and there. Richie smiled at the sight, resisting the impulse to kiss him right there and right now. He’ll kiss him plenty this night, when they’ll be together in the guest bed they’d be sharing.

Richie knew that he could do so in front of everyone else, but he still had trouble to let go and allow himself such things when he was surrounded by so many people, even if they were close. He didn’t quite know Audra either, and Richie couldn’t risk seeing her flinching. He wouldn’t be able to handle it… It was easier to keep it mostly platonic, although he allowed himself to hold Eddie’s hand and hug him. Richie wouldn’t give up on being tender with his partner, no matter what…

Once they passed the town sign, the big “Welcome to Derry” that never seemed really welcoming to Richie’s eyes, the tension slowly faded away, as if they realized that they were merely going back to their childhood town, nothing more. It wasn’t the monster that they pictured in their mind, but merely a place that had been filled with very, very bad people who weren’t there anymore to torment them.

Decided to relax everyone else, Richie started to bug Bill, poking his backseat and asking with an annoying voice:

“Big Bill, turn on the radio, pleaaase! I’m the birthday boy, you have to obey me!”

“Technically, you’re still not born yet, Trashmouth.” Bill adjusted his rearview, a smirk on his lips. “Still a few hours to go before you can boss me around.”

Richie pouted, causing Eddie to laugh, and Bill pretended to relent gracefully, turning on the radio. The first notes of “I will always love you” came out from the speakers, and, immediately, Richie decided to sing them, as awfully as he could manage to do so. Mike quickly reached for the off button before the song reached its legendary chorus, to everyone’s relief.

Richie crossed his arms, muttering to his partner:

“I’m wasting my talent with them. You’re the only one who knows how good of a singer I am.”

Eddie smiled at his words. Richie knew that he loved to hear him singing, especially when he performed a David Bowie song just for him, but Eddie was apparently decided to mess with him, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I don’t know a single thing about that.”_

Richie answered to this affirmation with an offended voice, complaining exaggeratedly:

“You’re all conspiring against me! What kind of birthday is that supposed to me? I’m asking for a refund!”

“You didn’t pay for a single thing, Trashmouth.” Beverly, who managed to detached herself from Ben, flicked the back of Richie’s head, grinning widely. “You should be happy that we’re all here.”

“If that means you’re going to treat me like shit, then you can all go back home.”

“We… We can still catch a plane, Richie, it’s not too late.” Richie shook his head at Bill’s offer, and they all laughed, the previous tension forgotten. Well, not entirely, but they were at least able to think about something else…

It didn’t take them too long to reach their destination. Beverly had discussed with her aunt, and she offered to welcome them all in her house, so that they’ll be able to celebrate Richie’s birthday together, in the same big place. It’s been so long since the last time he saw Auntie, as they all mostly called her…

That woman was a godsend, offering to Beverly the loving family she never had, always so patient with the young teenager who needed time to rebuild herself after what she went through. All the Losers loved her so much, and she gave it back happily.

Yet, it was the first time she would ever meet Eddie. The last time they came to her house, Auntie was away for the holidays, and she didn’t come back until they already left. Maybe it was for the best, given how much of a mess Eddie and Richie were at the time… He was sure that she would love Eddie. Who wouldn’t, after all?

Yet, Eddie was slightly nervous, when they started to pack their stuff before leaving their flat with everyone else. He took his teddy bear with him, putting it in their bag, and Richie didn’t comment, knowing that his boyfriend needed the comfort. It wasn’t hurting anyone, after all… And if it helped Eddie to relax, then it was for the best.

Once they arrived, Richie’s parents were already there for a long time, helping Aunt Marsh to decorate her house for the occasion. The only people missing were Liz and Greta, but Richie was pretty sure they would arrive soon enough. He hugged his parents tenderly, before letting them greet everyone else. His dad and mom were so happy to see everyone, it was obvious… They were forming this big family, after all…

Eddie was clutching his hand, slightly hidden behind him, looking at Auntie without daring to get closer to her. Richie didn’t blame him, Aunt Marsh had something intimidating about her, with her fiery gaze and her unique sense of fashion. He grinned when he noticed that she was wearing her favorite feather boa, the pink accessory elegantly falling over her chest. He was pretty sure that Eddie wanted nothing more than to touch the object, see how soft it was…

Richie ran to her, calling the woman loudly, while Eddie was trailing behind:

“Auntie!”

The woman opened her arms widely for him, and he happily hugged her, lifting her easily and enthusiastically. She expressed her amusement in a thunderous laugh, her tight lips curled up in a smile:

“I swear you’re getting bigger every time I see you, Richie. When are you going to stop growing up?”

“Never. I have a world record to beat, after all.”

Auntie chuckled, her gaze landing on Eddie. As he often tended to do when he was meeting new people, especially when they were precious to Richie, he tensed, fearing that he might displease her in any way. Noticing his nervous behavior, the old woman slowly got closer to him, stopping in her tracks as soon as she saw him getting more nervous:

“Hello, Eddie. I’m so happy to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you. Only good things.”

She held out her hand towards him, giving him the choice to shake it:

“I’m Ethel Marsh, but you can call me Auntie. Everyone calls me Auntie.”

Eddie hesitated for a moment, glancing at Ethel and her hand alternately, before he decided to greet her, shaking her hand quickly, a soft whine escaping his throat. Richie caressed his hair tenderly, winking at him:

“Don’t worry, she’s not gonna eat you. Right, Auntie?”

“Not enough meat on these bones.” She grinned, adding with a cheeky tone: “It would be a waste, eating someone as cute and lovely as you. I’m pretty sure Richie would kill me if I did.”

“Sure would!”

Ethel chuckled, waving at Eddie before joining everyone else, capturing Beverly in a bear hug. She was full of love for her niece, that much was obvious. Richie grabbed Eddie’s hand, squeezing it softly:

“See? I told you that she would love you, Eds. You should believe me more often when I say that kind of stuff.”

Eddie nodded distractedly, his gaze stuck on Auntie’s bright pink feather boa, a sight that seemed mesmerizing for him. Richie smiled at the sight, caressing his cheek to get his attention:

“Follow me, we’re gonna put our stuff in our room. The same as before.”

Eddie would appreciate how familiar it was all, Richie knew it. Rarely did Eddie sleep outside of their flat or, previously, his parents’ home… Being in a room he already knew would help to alleviate his anxiety. Richie hoped so, anyway.

Once in the room, Eddie carefully put his plush on the bed, before sliding his fingers between his lips and sucking on them. Richie kissed him on the forehead, whispering to his ear:

“Thank you for coming. I know it must be a lot for you.”

Eddie nodded frankly. Many people, a setting that he wasn’t used to anymore, celebrating a birthday, something he never did before… Richie was all too aware of the efforts his boyfriend was making at the moment. And he didn’t want him to think that Richie didn’t see all of that. While Eddie was grabbing his presents in their bag, Richie reminded him with a gentle voice:

“Whenever you start to feel tired, don’t hesitate to get away, alright? It’s probably going to be noisy and feel a bit crowded. It’s okay if you need a break. Nothing shameful about that.”

Eddie nodded, putting his wrapped gifts aside, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I know, you told me before. It would make you sad if I forced myself and ended up having a meltdown as a result. I won’t push myself too much, I promise.”_

With a satisfied smile, Richie kissed Eddie’s lips, deepening it shortly. Eddie welcomed him happily, and he had to end it quickly, or they would spend the rest of the afternoon here, away from anyone else. Which wasn’t the purpose of this party, not at all.

Richie distracted himself from his horniness, glancing at the gifts and the envelope on top of them. He pretended to reach for them, grinning when Eddie reacted instantly, extending his arms and preventing Richie from touching them. He signed angrily, so expressive whenever he used ASL that Richie couldn’t do anything, besides looking at him with heart eyes:

_Not now! Don’t touch them!_

“Come on, you can at least give me a clue. What’s in the envelope, Eddie Spaghetti? A voucher for a free hug?”

Eddie shook his head, his cheeks getting red, and he whined nervously, visibly upset at the idea that Richie might actually open his gifts before it was time to do so. Richie dropped the charade immediately, kissing his boyfriend’s nose tip tenderly:

“I’m kidding, Eddie. I won’t open it until you’re allowing me to do so. Alright?”

Eddie nodded and visibly relaxed. He was having trouble deciding when his boyfriend was joking or not, and, now, Richie was definitely more aware of this fact, making sure that Eddie wasn’t getting upset over nothing. It wasn’t funny if he was the only one to get the joke and have fun…

Eddie insisting on carrying his gifts himself, Richie followed him downstairs, grinning when he noticed that Greta and Liz arrived. Liz was already conversing with Auntie as if she knew her since forever, while Greta was crossing her arms over her chest, listening to their discussion, but not interfering. She seemed relieved to see them arriving, something Richie wouldn’t have bet on years before…

“Finally! I was wondering where you were...”

She glanced at Eddie, giving a quick look at his scarred cheek:

“They didn’t fuck up your cheek too much, that’s good.”

“ _Fuck you.”_

“Fuck you too, tiny dick.”

Greta grinned, and Eddie fumed, already about to throw hands with her. Richie calmed his boyfriend down, massaging his shoulders, signaling as discreetly as he could to Greta that she should probably tone down the sarcasm right now. Eddie wasn’t quite equipped to deal with it, as of now. She grimaced apologetically, letting out a soft gasp when Liz suddenly wrapped her arms around her. She visibly tensed, and Richie couldn’t help but cringe with her.

He knew how hard it could be, being openly affectionate with your partner. He had no doubts that they discussed it before and that Greta decided to challenge her own fears, but it didn’t make it easier to deal with. The bad thoughts were still here, Richie knew it. He gave her an encouraging nod, opening his arms for Liz to hug him:

“Happy Birthday, kiddo! Man, I swear it wasn’t so long when you were still wearing your diapers...”

“Liz, I’m pretty sure I never met you as a toddler.”

“I never said you were a toddler.”

She smiled, and Richie snorted, taking part in the joke:

“Yeah, I’ll admit it. I was trying some kinky stuff with Eddie. Don’t judge me.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow at his words and glanced at Greta, who seemed just as confused as he was. They both sighed when they realized that their partners were just messing around, their similarities making Richie laugh openly. Holding Eddie’s hand, he guided him towards the couch, grabbing a glass for him and filling it with a fizzy drink.

No alcohol today, not when his mother was around. Although she hadn’t slipped up in years, Richie didn’t want to risk it. He was perfectly happy with sodas and juices, they didn’t have to drink something else to enjoy their time together. They all toasted for his birthday, cheering happily. Slowly, but surely, everyone started to talk together, small groups here and there.

Keeping an eye on Eddie, who had troubles to follow everything and to insert himself in a conversation, Richie distractedly listened to his mother, who was currently interrogating Audra with a curious voice:

“Bill told me you were an actress, is that right? Can I get an autograph, and how much could I get if I sold it?”

Audra laughed at her words, taking a sip from her glass, answering with a smile:

“Not much, I’m afraid. I’ve been mostly on stage, and I took part in a few movies here and there, rarely one of the main roles. I was in a commercial recently, though, maybe you saw it? It’s a yogurt ad, on the beach...”

“Oh, I saw it, I saw it! That’s amazing!”

Audra smiled as an answer, thanking Richie’s mother, before Bill butted in, adding with a smile:

“Audra is too modest! She’s gonna be a star in no time. I met her on the set of a student movie, she was incredibly talented. She’ll have the whole world at her feet, sooner r… rather than later!”

Richie glanced at Mike, who seemed like he was trying to drown himself in his glass at the moment. Richie wasn’t blind. Well, without his glasses, he was close to it, but it wasn’t the point. He saw how his friend reacted, at their flat. How he looked at Bill and Audra. The way he didn’t quite seem to know what to do or to say, as if he wanted nothing more than to vanish at this moment…

Mike was in love, and it hurt. It hurt deeply. Richie would make sure to talk to him once alone with him, make sure that he was okay, that he knew that he had someone he could count on. Someone who wouldn’t judge him.

Richie’s father noticed Bill’s speech and was quick to congratulate him. Mike cringed visibly, hiding his face behind his drink, while Bill claimed proudly, as if he had never been happier than at this moment:

“You noticed! I worked so much to get where I am right now. My speech therapist told me that my progress was incredible. It’s almost completely gone, now! Thank god, right?”

“I never minded.”

Mike spoke out, his gaze focused on his feet. He added, in the sudden silence that took place between them, in the middle of every other noisy conversation:

“I never minded your stutter, Bill. And I didn’t think you would.”

Mike sipped on his glass, avoiding Bill’s stare. Bill’s jaw was clenched, and he was gripping his drink a bit too tightly. Audra immediately calmed him down, before Richie was able to do anything else:

“I love you, you know that, right?”

She smiled and kissed him, and every bit of tension seemed to leave Bill’s body, while Mike was downing his glass, visibly regretting that there wasn’t any alcohol into his drink. He glanced at Eddie, who was resting against Richie, looking slightly tired already, and got up, asking him:

“We should probably get Richie’s gifts. Can you help me, Eddie?”

Eddie nodded silently, detaching himself from Richie and getting up to give him a hand. It was pretty obvious that he wouldn’t last long… Everyone was talking with everyone, and Richie was almost sure that Eddie heard it all, a big, noisy cluster that he couldn’t make sense of. 

Eddie wasn’t making a move to indicate that he wanted to go away, but Richie was careful. He knew how easily Eddie could put aside his own needs, despite what he said earlier…

Greta and Liz got up as well, going to their car to look for Richie’s birthday presents. Once they were all back, Auntie raised her almost empty glass, a smile on her lips:

“Happy Birthday, Richie. 21 years old, it’s a big step. But don’t let this stupid number make you a boring and unhappy adult. Never forget the kid that’s right there. It’s the most important thing to keep at all times.”

She touched his chest with her index finger, and Richie smiled softly, while Eddie was nodding lazily, curled up against him. Richie decided that he wouldn’t wait any longer to open his gifts, so that he’d be able to convince Eddie to get some rest afterward. He started with Bill and Audra’s envelope. It was filled with various tickets for events and places in their home town, at his name and Eddie’s:

“When you’ll come seeing us. You know, like we planned to.”

Richie glanced quickly at Mike, who was fidgeting with the paper wrapping his gift. At first, they planned to go to Bill’s place together, all three of us, so that Eddie would be able to visit his mother’s grave and say goodbye to her once and for all. But would Mike want to come, given what he was probably feeling right at this moment? He might not appreciate it, spending so much time with Audra and Bill, unable to mend his broken heart…

It would be Mike’s decision. But if he came, Richie would definitely pay for his friend to go with him and Eddie to every single thing they’d visit and enjoy. No way he would let Mike aside… This thought in mind, he hugged Bill and Audra tightly, thanking them for their gift.

Richie grinned at Stan and Patty’s present, a collection of books filled with terrible puns, that he would be sure to use at any time, if only to get his friends and Eddie to roll their eyes at his antics. He got plenty of stress toys from Ben and Beverly, Bev assuring him that she had sewn some of them all by herself, filling the little things with soft components.

In association with Auntie, his parents gifted him a brand new DVD player, Richie almost screaming at the sight. The cinema lover that he was was presently cooing, hugging the box tenderly, thinking about all the movies he’d be able to watch with Eddie and Mike, without having to fear to damage the tape in the process. They also bought a few DVDs already, and Richie grinned when he noticed that they took him “Princess Bride”. He ought to watch that with Eddie again!

Liz and Greta had visibly broken their own piggy bank, since they decided to buy him a Playstation, making him gasp at the sight, while Eddie was raising his eyebrow, slightly confused:

“I’ll never leave our flat again! That’s awesome!”

“I’ll kick you out of our apartment if I have to.”

Mike smiled after his quip, before explaining quickly to Eddie what this gift was. Eddie never played video games before, and he looked at the object with a curious gaze, visibly dying to give it a try.

“We took a few controllers.” Liz grinned, witnessing Richie’s visible joy. “We figured you’d like to play together. It’s funnier that way.”

“I can’t believe I paid so much for you, Trashmouth.” Greta sighed while Liz nudged her with a cheeky expression on her face. “If you don’t share it with Eddie, I’ll kill you myself, deal?”

“Deal.”

As if he’d ever prevent Eddie from playing! Richie couldn’t stop grinning. He was truly spoiled! But even without all those gifts, he’d be the happiest. He was with his family, after all. His entire family…

The next present came from Mike, who slipped him an envelope. Richie opened it and read the letter inside, an excited smile on his lips:

“What? You’re really giving me the right to name our future pet whatever I want? Really?”

Mike nodded, while Eddie visibly grimaced, but quickly found himself smiling:

“I had a talk with Eddie about that. Next week, we’ll go to the pet store, and you’ll pick our pet and its name. And whatever it is, we’ll just accept it. I’ll pay for it and any supplies we might need.”

“Mike, you’re a fucking treasure! And Eddie too, I love you, my man!”

Richie hugged them both, already thinking about the kind of silly names he could give to their future pet. He would do his best to make Eddie’s eyes roll so bad, that was for sure! Speaking of which, Eddie’s gifts were the last to open!

Richie immediately noticed that Eddie wrapped them himself. It was slightly clumsy, but it held well, and it was clear that he made a lot of effort to manage to do so. Richie’s heart was already swelling… His face beamed up when he unwrapped the presents, immediately putting on the shirt with the funny message and admiring the jokey and cute mugs that Eddie offered to him as well:

“You got me. It’s totally me. Eds, you’re the best.”

Eddie, who seemed nervous until then at the idea that Richie might dislike his presents, visibly relaxed and whined softly, hugging his boyfriend tightly. Richie hugged him back and, fighting his anxiety, managed to kiss him on the forehead. He didn’t care about the others at the moment. He just wanted to show Eddie that he loved him, so, so much…

They talked for a while, Richie already sharing some of his ideas for their pet’s future name, while Mike laughed at his silly choices. Liz made him promise that he would invite her so that she could beat him on his brand new console, and he accepted the offer, ready to show her that he was still the best when it came to video games. 

He was just about to read a few stupid puns coming from Stan’s book when he noticed Eddie’s barely audible hum, signaling that it was all getting too much for him. The noise, the excitement, everything… Eddie couldn’t stand it anymore, and Richie wasn’t sure he was aware of it at the moment. Temporarily forgetting about everything else, he caressed Eddie’s cheek, whispering directly to his ear:

“You should probably take a break, don’t you think?”

Eddie shook his head, typing clumsily on his lightwriter:

“ _Am fine.”_

“You’re sure? I can lead you to the bedroom. You could take a quick nap, and I’ll wake you up if you’re still asleep for dinner. We’ll eat Auntie’s fabulous cooking and my cake together, alright?”

Eddie seemed to hesitate, clearly not wanting to leave the party so soon, and Richie added, a gentle smile on his lips:

“The party just started, Eddie. It’s okay to take a break, we have all the time in the world to have fun together. Please?”

It was probably his soft plea that convinced Eddie to cut himself some slack. And it wasn’t too soon, he was already having trouble standing on his own two feet, leaning against Richie for support. Smiling at everyone, he told them that he would be back in a few, helping Eddie to their bedroom.

Untying his boyfriend’s shoes, Richie carefully put him under the blanket, handing him his plush when Eddie tried to grab it. His boyfriend hugged the teddy bear tightly, hiding his face in the soft fur. Sitting next to his partner, Richie caressed his hair affectionately, asking him tenderly:

“Do you want me to stay until you’re asleep?”

Eddie nodded, and Richie joyfully obliged. He thanked his boyfriend, telling him how happy he was that he got to celebrate his birthday with him for the first time. A thought came to Richie, and he asked a sleepy Eddie, who was visibly struggling so that his partner would stay with him a few minutes more:

“And the envelope? The one you didn’t want me to read?”

Eddie yawned, typing lazily on his lightwriter:

“ _In the bag. For you only. Can read when you want.”_

Richie raised an eyebrow at his words, glancing at the bag. Oh, yes, he could actually see the envelope sticking out… He was tempted to open it immediately and read it, but he knew that Eddie would keep struggling with sleep if he did so, and his partner needed to rest. He kissed him on the forehead, reassuring him:

“I’ll read it later. When we’re together. Just rest, Eddie. I’m right here.”

Eddie yawned again. His eyelids fluttered a bit more, but he couldn’t resist anymore. Slipping his fingers between his lips, he started to suck on them reflexively, his face relaxing, a soft snore escaping his throat. Richie waited a few minutes more, making sure that his partner was deeply asleep, before kissing him on the cheek.

“I love you, Eds.”

Cautiously, Richie got up, leaving the bedroom and closing the door behind him. He was about to head downstairs when he heard familiar voices coming from a room nearby. His curiosity got the best of him, and he approached discreetly, overhearing a heated discussion between Mike and Audra:

“… think I don’t know that, Mike? I’m not stupid!”

“I never said you were, I’m just saying that Bill...”

Audra cut him immediately, her sharp tone making Richie cringe:

“What are you accusing me of, exactly? And don’t deny it, I’d have to be blind to not see how you were acting towards me!”

Mike stammered at first, but he quickly went back on his feet, retorting frankly:

“You’re making him think that he’s not enough. That he should be whatever you want him to be, and it’s wrong.”

“What?”

Audra seemed genuinely surprised by his harsh words. She was about to add something when Richie inadvertently leaned too much against the door, trying to get a better glance at the scene.

He stumbled in the room, Audra and Mike focusing on him. An awkward chuckle made its way out of his throat, and he pointed at the bathroom nearby:

“Oh, yeah. I think I got the wrong door. My bad.”

He was clearly not fooling anyone. Audra sighed, looking back at Mike:

“I don’t know what’s your deal, Mike. I don’t know if I did or said something that made you think otherwise, but I love Bill, and I always loved him, no matter what. I never asked him to change for me. I’d never do that.”

She bit down on her bottom lip, visibly thinking about her next move. She changed the subject, asking Richie:

“How is Eddie?”

Startled, not expecting this turn of events, Richie babbled that he was fine, a clear relief visible on her face. Audra smiled, fidgeting with her hair:

“That’s a good thing. I was worried. I don’t really know how to act around him, I figured I should just try to treat him like anybody else does around. Let me know if I say or do something bad, alright?”

“Uh… Yeah, sure.”

Audra nodded, heading downstairs. Mike slumped down on the bed, and Richie sat next to him, putting his arm over his shoulder. Mike leaned against him, a sigh escaping his closed-up throat. At the moment, Richie didn’t know what to say. He mumbled, shaking his leg slightly:

“Do you… Do you need to talk?”

Mike shook his head. He asked with a somber voice, so different from the soft and relaxing tone he normally used:

“Can we stay like that? Just for a moment?”

How could he say no to that? Richie nodded, answering with an understanding “Sure, buddy.”, tightening his arm grip slightly. Contrary to what he would usually do, Mike curled up a bit, looking for the comforting contact rather than tensing whenever he was feeling it.

Richie didn’t know exactly how long they stayed like that. It was like time stopped its course, everything suspended around them. Mike started to cry at some point, and Richie let him do so, holding his hand and squeezing it tightly.

He didn’t care about his birthday at the moment, nor his guests. Mike was his priority. As long as needed, he’d be there for him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of the chapter! It actually took me some time to figure out what everyone would offer to Richie, birthdays are the worst, even fictional ones xD. I hope you liked it! It should last for two chapters more, I think, including his little get-together with the Losers only. 
> 
> Mike and Audra had a little fight and I'm putting little crumbs here and there about Bill and why he's acting the way he does. It's pretty cool to get to write some pining again, but writing Mike sad? Ugh... Can't wait for him to be happy again >_<.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to leave a comment or kudos if you feel like it, especially comments, I can't wait to read what you thought (and answer, of course!). You can also subscribe to this series and/or story!
> 
> Thanks again for your support and big thanks in advance for all of you who will take the time to comment, it means the world for me! 
> 
> Don't forget to vote for Team Cat or Team Dog, Team Cat is winning with three more votes as of now! Here's the link: https://www.strawpoll.me/20871030 . I'll stop it all once we'll get to the adoption chapter, which should arrive quite soon :D. 
> 
> Have a nice day! See you soon!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 17th chapter! Thank you all for your support and your kind words, it really helped me to get through those last days c:. I had a real hard time at work and I felt so numb and lost, but being able to focus on my writing and story, as well as reading your comments, it really got me through! So, thanks again, everyone c:.
> 
> I hope you'll like this chapter! Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of a suicide attempt  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of ableism  
> TW for mention of internalized homophobia
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

"Eds, kitten, wake up."

Eddie let out a soft whine, keeping his eyes closed. He was in the middle of a beautiful dream, and he wanted to come back there. His memories were quite confusing, but he distinctly remembered flying with Richie, in a sky devoid of clouds… And it was so freeing and amazing! Just a few more minutes of that…

"Eddie, if you don't wake up, you're gonna miss the rest of the party. And the cake."

Richie whispered to his ear a few more words, and it was enough to convince Eddie to finally emerge from his sleep:

"It's a chocolate cake."

Eddie opened his eyelids, motivated by his stomach and gluttony. What he wouldn't do for chocolate… Rubbing his eyes lazily, he slowly straightened up on the bed, helped by Richie, who was sitting beside him. His partner put his hand on Eddie's back, rubbing it softly, asking him gently:

"Did you sleep well? Do you feel better?"

Eddie nodded twice, a sleepy "Uh-uh..." slipping out from his parted lips. He definitely needed this break, even though he would have preferred not to miss anything. It was Richie's birthday party, his boyfriend, how could he not be there? Letting his arms fall back on the mattress, Eddie blinked slowly, having troubles to wake up completely, as usual. His mind was clouded, and his body felt clumsy, as if he had to learn to use it again.

Richie had stopped massaging his back, pulling out a wet wipe and cleaning Eddie's fingers, soaked with saliva. He was always so caring, so gentle… Eddie's lips curled up in a hazy smile, while Richie was taking care of him and assuring him tenderly:

"Take your time. There's no rush. I'll stay with you until you're ready to go downstairs."

Being able to rest had been helpful to Eddie, but he doubted he'd be very resistant for long. He wasn't used to this kind of event, and he would definitely need more than a single nap to recover the energy he had spent, trying to handle all this noise and the feelings swirling in his mind and brain. He had been so happy for Richie, anxious that he might not like his present, nervous about everyone being there, and all those conversations he didn't know how to be a part of…

It was a lot, and Eddie wasn't quite ready for the amount of energy he needed to handle this kind of stuff. Fortunately, he was surrounded by people who understood his difficulties and didn't expect him to push himself beyond his limits. The more he thought about it all, the more Eddie was convinced that he would have started to regress if he didn't take this break, a few hours ago…

The last thing Eddie wanted to was definitely to experience one of his regressive episodes on Richie's birthday. It would make him the center of attention, forcing everyone to calm him down, worrying them all in the process. The party would be ruined, and it would be his fault, because Eddie refused to listen to his body and his brain, to accept that he had limits he should respect.

Eddie knew that there were things beyond his control, involving his disability, and he was learning to cut himself some slack when it came to that. But this wasn't the case right here. Eddie knew that he was tired, and Richie convinced him that he should rest, noticing the telltale signs. 

Eddie relented and accepted to take a break this time, despite how much he hated missing a single minute of Richie's birthday party. If he didn't, it would have been so much worse, and Eddie would have felt terribly guilty afterward… But he listened to Richie and his body's screams for help and peace. And now, Eddie was ready to go back. But first…

_Hug?_

Eddie just signed this single word, a request that he knew very well would only have one answer. Richie smiled at his demand and immediately wrapped him up in his big, gentle arms. Eddie let out a soft whine, melting in Richie's embrace, feeling like he was right where he belonged. He dug his fingers in his partner's clothes, sticking his ear against Richie's chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was the best place to be, right in his lover's arms. If he was able to, Eddie would spend the rest of his life there…

But of course, they couldn't do that. They had a life to get back to. After a few minutes in silence, enjoying his partner's presence quietly, Eddie detached himself from Richie, reaching for his lightwriter and typing:

" _I'm_ _ready to go back."_

Richie nodded, getting up from the bed and helping Eddie to do the same. Eddie sighed happily when his boyfriend started to caress his hair, leaning into the touch. He was about to close his eyes and lose himself in the feeling when Richie warned him, catching his attention:

"Mike's feeling a bit down, but don't bug him with that, alright? We'll talk back to our flat, but until then, just be nice to him, okay?"

Eddie raised an eyebrow, confused. Why would Mike feel upset? And why wasn't he supposed to do something about it right now? If they acted immediately, their friend would feel better, right? The earlier they talked, the best it would be, for sure! Letting out a worried whine, Eddie typed on his lightwriter:

" _What's_ _going on? Why can't we help him now?"_

Richie grimaced slightly at his questions, fidgeting with his glasses, before he managed to find the words he needed to express what he was thinking about:

"Mike's not ready to talk yet, and he'll feel more at ease if he doesn't have to do it in front of everyone. We'll make sure to take extra care of him once we're home, alright?"

Eddie nodded, unsure, and Richie kissed him on the forehead, ruffling his hair tenderly. He was definitely missing something, and he didn't like it… But what could he do, besides listening to Richie's advice? Eddie didn't want to upset Mike, being too nosey in front of everyone else. But he was going to keep an eye on him and make sure that Mike was having a good time! It was the least he could do, for his dear friend…

"Let's get back downstairs, okay? You don't want to miss this meal, trust me!"

Richie winked at Eddie, before grabbing his hand and leading him to the living room, where everyone was waiting for them. Eddie was greeted happily, surrounded by so many kind words and attention that he didn't know what to make of it or who he was supposed to answer to. Noticing his slight dizziness, Richie immediately calmed them down, keeping Eddie close in a tight hug:

"He's fine, everything's okay, give him some space, alright? Man, I'm so hungry, I could eat an elephant!"

Auntie Marsh smiled at his words, inviting them to sit at her dinner table, grabbing Richie's plate to fill it to the brim:

"No elephant, unfortunately, but you're gonna love the chicken, dearie!"

Richie was already salivating, a sight that managed to get a chuckle out of Eddie. He vaguely listened to Auntie Marsh and Patty talking about the cooking, something about making sure that the meal was Kosher, his gaze landing on Mike, who was sitting right next to him. And yes, clearly, he wasn't feeling well… Even Eddie, who wasn't always the most perceptive when it came to this kind of thing, could definitely see it.

Playing distractedly with his cutlery, Mike seemed to avoid meeting everyone else's eyes, staying away from most discussions. He politely thanked Auntie when she handed him back his plate, but, contrary to Richie or those who were already served, he didn't seem to be quite so impatient to get to taste it. He wasn't having a good time, that much was clear. And Eddie couldn't accept that.

It was his boyfriend's birthday! Everyone that Richie loved should be happy and have fun, not being so glum! Eddie definitely didn't know what put Mike in such a sad mood, but he was decided to do whatever he could to distract him from his bad thoughts. Trying to tune out the multiple conversations around him, Eddie nudged Mike gently, getting his attention. Mike forced a smile on his lips, trying to look happier than he truly was:

"Something wrong, Eddie?"

Eddie shrugged at his question. To be honest, he didn't have quite a plan to follow right now, and he wasn't the best at improvising, far from it. But he'd do whatever he could, for Mike. He finally managed to find something to talk about, typing on his lightwriter:

" _Giving free rein to Richie when it comes to naming our future pet was a terrible idea."_

Mike definitely didn't expect him to talk about that and, taken aback, he started to chuckle, retorting with a more genuine smile:

"You agreed with me, Eddie. You even said it was brilliant!"

Richie chimed in, while Auntie was serving the last plate, grinning widely:

"Aw, is that true, Eddie Spaghetti? You really want me to name our pet? I'm sure you gonna love Lord Noodle the Third."

Eddie almost choked on the water he was currently drinking, putting his glass down and typing furiously on his lightwriter, his whines and his body language making up for the fact that his device's robotic voice couldn't quite transcribe his emotions:

" _It's_ _not even a proper name! And why the third? Don't tell me you already inflicted this name on other pets! Poor things."_

Richie laughed, poking Eddie's nose with his index finger, his boyfriend swatting his hand away with an annoyed moan. He reminded him, smirking openly:

"I'm allowed to name our future pet whatever I want, remember? Lord Noodle the Third will perfectly suit our cat or dog, no doubt about it. Or maybe I could call them Eddie? Eddie kitty or Eddie doggie?"

Eddie openly groaned, looking at Mike with pleading eyes, grabbing his sleeve in a desperate move:

" _He can't do that! You won't let him do that, right?"_

"I'm sorry, Eddie." Mike didn't seem sorry at all. In fact, he was definitely smiling, almost a grin, and Eddie immediately knew he wasn't on his side. "It's Richie's choice. If he wants to call our pet Eddie Kitty or Eddie Doggy, he has free reign to do so."

Eddie was about to argue more, but everyone else started to eat, and he did the same, clearly fuming. Eddie Kitty… What the fuck? He didn't know what was pissing him off so much about this idea, but he didn't like it at all. No, in fact, he knew why, but he would never admit it out loud… To be honest, Eddie couldn't stand the idea of Richie using his name so tenderly for someone that wasn't him.

Eddie loved to hear Richie calling him, using his name and the myriad of nicknames he had for him, putting so much love and tenderness in his voice, just for him… He didn't like the thought that Richie could start cooing over another Eddie, even if that Eddie was a cat or a dog. Ridiculous? Yes, definitely. But he couldn't help it. It was _their_ thing. And Eddie would definitely be pissed off if Richie went along with this idea… He'd never call their pet like that, for sure!

Eddie quickly forgot his annoyance, his tastebuds submerged, unable to focus on anything else than what he was currently eating. He cooed helplessly, expressing his enjoyment naturally, putting his fork and his knife down to flap his hands. So good, it was so fucking good! Eddie loved Maggie and Richie's cooking, but this dish… it was definitely something else.

Beverly chuckled at his behavior, telling him after taking a bite of her dish:

"Delicious, right? It's definitely what I'm missing the most, I can't find a single restaurant anywhere that might provide me with a meal as good as those Auntie always prepared for me."

Her aunt gently tapped Beverly's head, while her niece pretended to be terribly hurt:

"So you're only missing my cooking, young woman? Is that how I raised you?"

"No, no, Auntie, I promise!" Beverly took another bite, wiping her chin and adding with a grin: "I also missed your house, my flat is definitely not as big!"

The old woman rolled her eyes theatrically, complaining that she was surrounded by ungrateful brats. She got up from her chair, putting her arms over Eddie and Richie's shoulders, taking it away when she noticed how tense Eddie suddenly became at the unexpected touch. She apologized quickly, making sure to put some distance between them, before she added, hugging Richie from behind:

"Can you believe how cruel she is? What did I do to deserve such a thing, Richie? You gotta tell me!"

Richie shrugged, glancing at Beverly before answering cheekily, patting Auntie's arm:

"Nothing, Auntie, you're perfect as always. Bev is just mean, as usual."

Richie stuck out his tongue at Beverly, who retorted by kicking him under the table. He pretended to be hurt, letting out a fake howl, that caused Eddie to snort and laugh. His reaction made Richie gasp openly, looking for Mike's compassion:

"He's laughing at my pain! Mike, I'm so hurt! Help me!"

Mike only shrugged as an answer, and Richie pouted, muttering that he was the saddest birthday boy that ever existed. His antics managed to get everyone to laugh, which was definitely Richie's purpose, Eddie was sure of it. Richie kept on joking for a while, always happy to make a fool out of himself, until the atmosphere was considerably relaxed. Even Mike took part in their conversations, although, Eddie noted, he was definitely avoiding Audra and Bill.

He was dying to ask him what was going on, but he remembered Richie's words and decided to wait to go back home. Eddie wasn't going to ruin Mike's renewed good mood, even if it was somewhat forced. Whatever happened, Eddie didn't want to be the reason Mike was back to being openly sad or, even worse, to cause an argument between him, Bill, and Audra. For now, he had to hold back his questions and his curiosity, until Mike was ready to talk…

The entire meal was the best thing Eddie ever ate. He couldn't stop smiling and licking his lips, trying to keep the taste in his mouth as much as possible. Gosh, he missed out on so many things during all those years! Not so long ago, Eddie would never have guessed that something so tasty and enjoyable existed in this world… Everything used to be so bland and basic, his mother taking away all of those things from him while pretending that it was for his own good.

Fuck that! Eddie had never been happier than he was right now, surrounded by his family, friends, and boyfriend, enjoying a meal and celebrating Richie's birthday. Maybe it wasn't the healthiest thing, and he was definitely tired and would need a few days to recover from this weekend, but Eddie was having fun, and it wasn't something he was used to, back when he was in his mother's care. She didn't want him to be happy or to enjoy his life. No, she wanted to make sure that he was under her control, submissive and obedient…

Eddie felt a hand on his cheek, caressing the skin tenderly. He stopped zoning out, the nervous hum escaping his throat coming to a halt. Richie was looking at him, a concerned expression on his face:

"Are you okay, Eddie?"

Was he? Eddie needed a few seconds to ground himself back to reality and think about his answer. Everyone's gaze was on him, watching over him, making sure that he was okay. It was touching, albeit slightly overwhelming too. Eddie gulped, typing on his lightwriter, keeping his eyes down:

" _Yeah. Just a few bad memories. But I'm okay."_

"You're sure?"

Eddie nodded. Right now, he was feeling okay. His boyfriend's touch chased away what remained of his nervousness, and he was ready for what was yet to come. He still had a cake to eat, after all! He smiled frankly, putting his hand over Richie's in a tender gesture, using the other to answer:

" _I'm_ _sure. I'm okay. I promise."_

And Richie believed him. He actually trusted him, only whispering a soft "Okay", not insisting much more. Eddie's heart pounded slightly faster at the thought, sincerely touched that Richie didn't doubt his words. That he was confident that Eddie could handle himself if he said so. Coming from Richie and his well-known overbearing tendencies, it was definitely a step forward. Eddie was proud of him, but, most of that, he felt loved and understood.

Richie didn't doubt him. He wasn't treating him as if Eddie could never discern his own limits. He wasn't fussing needlessly over him. Eddie was being treated like the adult that he was, and it meant the world to him. He gently rocked on his chair, smiling widely, humming happily while Auntie brought the cake, with twenty-one candles to blow out. 

Everyone sang Happy Birthday cheesily, while Eddie hummed the tune, holding Richie's hand in his, squeezing it tenderly. Taking a deep breath, Richie blew out the candles, while they all cheered him on. Eddie noticed that his friends didn't clap, and he didn't complain about it. He hated this sound, too loud, too reminiscing of things that he didn't want to think about right now…

Eddie did his best to focus on his slice of cake, smelling the sweet scent of chocolate, licking his lips in the process. He was soon taken over by his gluttony and forgot all about his bad thoughts, enjoying his cake and the delicious taste of chocolate. God, he could eat the whole cake, he was sure of it!

Eddie whined happily, barely noticing that Richie was admiring him, enjoying the sight even more than the cake he was currently eating. Birthdays were definitely the best! Eddie couldn't wait to celebrate his own, and for real this time! He would have his own cake, and he would have fun with his friends and family. He wouldn't get a lecture on how sugar could be dangerous for him and how it was for the best that he only got to eat his usual bland food. No, his birthday would actually be an enjoyable day, for once!

But right now, it was Richie's, and Eddie was decided to keep his boyfriend and everyone else as happy as he could. He made an effort to participate in the various conversations they were having, although it was definitely easier for him to talk with Mike or Richie, who were the closest to him and were giving him the time he needed to follow their discussion and answer properly.

He also had a nice moment with Maggie and Wentworth, listening to them talking about their job and their life, now that Eddie and Richie weren't there with them anymore. He mentioned that he recently went out on his own for the first time, and they encouraged him and praised him, knowing that it was a big step for him. Their support meant the world for Eddie. They were his real family, after all...

Once they were finished, Eddie helped as much as he could to clear the table, before following Richie and everyone else back to the couch, sitting on his boyfriend's knees and resting his head in the crook of his neck. He let out a soft sigh, doing his best to participate at the various games that Richie enthusiastically started, but finding himself quickly unable to do so.

Eddie was getting tired, and it would ask too much of him to participate actively. He wanted to stay as much as possible, but he needed to calm down first. Slipping his fingers between his lips, he distractedly sucked on them, his stim helping him to tune out everything else, at least a bit. Richie caressed his hair gently, understanding Eddie's need to back out for a while, making sure that he wasn't talking too loud to not upset his boyfriend.

Eddie wished he was able to take part in everything, but he knew that it was beyond his strength as of now. Maybe later, when he'll get more used to this kind of event, but for now, Eddie was grazing his limits, and he had to slow down. His gaze became slightly hazy, while he focused on Richie's heartbeat and the feeling of his fingers in his mouth, keeping himself quiet and grounded, thanks to all of that.

Eddie couldn't interact with everyone else or participate as much as he wanted, but he was still able to stay and remain with his friends and his family, and it was the best he could hope for. Even if he wasn't active, he was there, listening to them, enjoying their presence. He wasn't away, sleeping in a room far away from us, or forcing himself to participate until he couldn't take it anymore. They understood, and they accepted it. Eddie was so grateful to have them as his friends, his family…

Slowly, but surely, the party started to calm down. Liz and Greta were the first to leave, Liz having to get up early the next day to participate in an event at the LGBT club. She hugged Richie tenderly and whispered soft words to Eddie's ear, that he couldn't quite get at the moment, but that he was sure were filled with tenderness. Greta waved them goodbye, less affectionate than her partner, taking the time nonetheless to say that she had a very good day and to thank them for accepting her.

Eddie wished he had the energy to say something, but his fingers couldn't use his lightwriter correctly at the moment, and he knew better than to spend what was left of his energy into that. He whined lazily, waving at them, doing the same when Maggie and Wentworth were the next to go. It was at this moment that Richie put him aside on the couch, Eddie letting out a plaintive moan when he found himself lying down, far away from his partner's touch.

But soon enough, he was back against his boyfriend's body, Richie lifting him up and carrying him in his arms as if it was the most natural thing in the world. If he was less out of it, Eddie would have probably protested and struggled. But right now, he only tucked his arms around his partner's neck, resting against him while Richie was leading him to the bathroom. Eddie barely noticed the others' tender looks and cooing, the way they gently teased them when Richie decided to carry him out of nowhere. He could only care about Richie right now and how soft he was…

Eddie managed to find the energy needed to brush his teeth and put on his pajamas all alone, shaking his head when Richie offered to help. He could do it. He knew he could.

Soon enough, they were sitting on their bed, Richie playing nervously with the envelope that Eddie handed him, insisting that he opened it.

"Eds, you're exhausted, it can wait until tomorrow, I..."

Eddie whined protestingly, rubbing his eyes before he signed quickly:

_No. Nervous if you don't open._

Eddie had laid out his heart in the open for Richie to see it. This letter, it took so much time to write, and it had been exhausting. Not only because it hurt his wrist, writing and making sure that it was neat and readable, but also because he had to open doors that he hadn't been quite ready to go back to. Writing this letter, Eddie had been forced to remember tough times, those moments where he felt so utterly alone that he didn't have any hope left, those times where he thought that he would never get to be with the people he loved so much anymore…

He couldn't wait anymore. He needed Richie to read it and know how much he loved him. How thankful he was for everything he did for him. Eddie remembered every single word, and he mouthed them, when Richie started to read them aloud, trembling slightly:

"Dear Richie, 

This is the first of my letters that you will finally get to read. Ever since I had to leave you, I wrote to you every single day, hoping my missives would reach you. That you would know how much I missed you and that I never forgot you. How could I? You're the best thing that happened to me."

At first, Eddie looked at Richie while he was reading his words, but he couldn't bring himself to do so anymore. He closed his eyes, his heart beating too fast, listening to his boyfriend's voice recounting the words he managed to put on paper. He could saw them on the paper, neatly written, telling everything he never got to tell before.

_Before I got to know you, I was merely surviving. I didn't realize that life could be enjoyable and that there was so much to discover, so much to see out there. When we were teenagers, the year we spent together was the happiest year I ever got to live back then. Every day, I was longing to see you, to hear your stupid jokes, and get to spend time with you. You gave me something to look forward, when I had nothing before._

_Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for making me cry. Thank you for making me feel. The memories we shared made me stronger, and they're the reason I was able to survive my mother's abuse. I never stopped thinking about you. Even when I thought that you might have forgotten me. Writing to you was the only thing I was looking forward to every day, during those five long years._

_Every day, I wrote to you, hoping that you would get those letters, that you would know that I was still there, thinking about you. Even when they messed me up so bad that I could barely trace a few illegible scribbles on the paper, I still wrote to you. Even when I forgot why I was writing, I kept on doing it, because a part of me knew that I was doing it for you._

_You're the reason I'm here now. You're the reason I survived when it was so tempting to let go. You're the reason I get to be happy now. You gave me the courage to hold on, no matter how hard it could be. You gave me the hope I never thought I could feel again. And you gave me love. So much love._

_I still dream about our first kiss, sometimes. I felt like I was drowning, and yet, it was so liberating. My feelings for you were too strong to remain hidden any longer. And I'm so glad that you kissed me back. That you loved me back. Being your friend was the best thing that happened to me. Being your boyfriend is a whole new adventure, and I'm enjoying every second of it._

_I love kissing you. I love having sex with you. I love it when you're sincere and open with me, and you're letting me know that there are things we can't do yet or maybe ever. I love how caring you are. I love feeling your hands on my skin, the tenderness of your fingers, always so affectionate. You're making me feel alive. You're making me feel loved._

_Thank you. Thank you for being such an essential part of my life. Thank you for handing me my pen, all those years before, and worrying about the weird, lonely boy I was. Thank you for being you._

_Thank you, Richie. Happy Birthday._

Richie's voice had broken down quickly, but he was now openly sobbing. He sniffled, grabbing Eddie in a clumsy and raw hug, whispering to his ear:

"Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Eddie wasn't really sure why Richie was the one to thank him, after everything he did for him. But he accepted it, hugging his boyfriend back, a soft smile on his lips. Now, Richie knew how much he loved him. And how much he meant for him, all those years.

Happy Birthday, Richie Tozier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Eddie tried to cheer up Mike, but he was quickly too tired to do much more. I took inspiration from my own experiences, whenever I took part in various parties. There was always this time when it was too much, but I wanted to stay with everyone else, so I basically just hanged out there, mostly nonverbal and slightly confused, until it was time for me to leave or I couldn't take it anymore. It gets better when I'm with less people or people who know about my autism and make sure to take into account my sensitivities and all.
> 
> I finally wrote this letter! I hope it lived up to your expectations, I really wanted to express everything Eddie felt towards Richie, during the worst moments of his life, and how he helped him to get through it all. So it's probably a bit confused and raw, but I'm hoping you get the idea c:. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to read your thoughts about this chapter! You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it and subscribe to the story and/or the series.
> 
> I'm currently planning my next story, I finally decided which one of my ideas I would focus on and I sincerely hope you'll like it! I'll give you more details once it's clearer in my head ;). It's gonna be another Reddie story :D. If you want a little tease or a few details, don't hesitate to ask me, I'd answer your comment as much as I can at the moment c:.
> 
> Thank you for your support! Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Here's the 18th chapter of this fanfic! And if I'm not mistaken, we reached 500k words for this series! I honestly can't believe that I wrote so much for this story... For context, the trilogy "Lord of the rings" is around 480k long. Not to say that I've written Lord of the Rings, because I'm definitely not Tolkien, but damn, that's a lot xD.
> 
> Thank you all for sticking around for this long, looong story. I hope you'll like this chapter! 
> 
> I can't think of a trigger warning for this chapter, but let me know if you can think of something! Good reading!

Richie kissed Eddie on the forehead. His boyfriend tightened his fists slightly on the blanket, before his fingers relaxed, letting go of the fabric, a soft sigh coming out of his lips. Richie smiled at the sight, straightening up and caressing Eddie’s hair gently. He could do that for hours, watching his partner, and taking care of him in all of the ways Richie could think of.

He was so freaking proud of his boyfriend. It was Eddie’s first real birthday party, and he handled it like a champ. Truth be told, Richie had been apprehensive about the whole thing. There were so many things that could have gone wrong…

Eddie could have been overwhelmed and still trying to force himself to deal with that, experiencing a meltdown or a regressive episode. He could have felt excluded, not knowing how to participate in an event he wasn’t used to. Eddie might have thought wrongfully that, for some reason, Richie was disappointed by his gift or the way he was celebrating his birthday with him. Richie knew how easily his partner could succumb to self-doubt, notably because he was struggling with it just as much, if not more.

And yet, it didn’t. Eddie enjoyed the party in his own way, and no one batted an eye when he started to retreat in his thoughts, knowing that he needed to step back for a while. He spent the whole time in Richie’s arms and, frankly, it was the best Richie could have ever hoped for. He always felt the happiest whenever he was hugging Eddie, as if they were parts of the same body, the same entity.

Richie was still touched by Eddie’s letter, even after a good night of sleep. He understood why Eddie wanted to keep it private, something that only existed for the two of them. To be honest, Richie felt even worse, thinking that he teased Eddie endlessly when he was writing something so raw and personal. No wonder his boyfriend just broke down and agreed for him to leave… It must have been so complicated, exploring those feelings, opening doors that have been left closed for a good reason, before putting that on paper.

He wasn’t sure he deserved such beautiful and kind words, the strength of Eddie’s love, but Richie was decided to do everything he could to earn it all. To be the person that Eddie was seeing of him. He wouldn’t settle for less, for sure…

Eddie let out a quiet moan, his nose slightly scrunched up, his eyes still closed. He was probably dreaming at the moment… It was early in the morning, Richie wasn’t going to wake him up so soon. Eddie was probably exhausted, after the efforts he made the day before… He just hoped that his boyfriend was having good dreams at the moment, none of the nightmares that were still plaguing him from times to times.

As much as Richie loved admiring his Eddie Spaghetti, his easily overexcited body was demanding to spend all of the energy that he had accumulated after a good night of sleep. Richie started to get antsy, and he knew that he would wake up Eddie if he began to toss around. Giving one last good look at his partner, Richie kissed Eddie’s scarred cheek, getting up and leaving the room.

He was thinking of going downstairs and preparing the breakfast for everyone (Auntie always told them that they should act as if her home was theirs), already going down the stairs, when he heard a barely audible sob. His sensitive ears picked up on the noise, and Richie knew immediately who produced such a sound. Sighing heavily, he walked towards the room Mike was occupying, knocking softly at the door.

“Hey. It’s Richie. Can I come in?”

Richie heard some sniffling and a bit of ruckus, waiting patiently for an answer when the door suddenly opened before him. He couldn’t help but grimace when he saw Mike’s evident tiredness. It was pretty obvious that his friend hadn’t slept most of the night… Still, he was trying to put on a brave face and a forced smile, saluting Richie:

“Hello, Richie. Did you sleep well?”

Richie nodded, glancing at the state of the bedroom behind Mike. He could see that a pillow had been thrown across the room, probably in an impulsive fit of anger or frustration. Richie looked back at Mike, answering with an understanding smile:

“I’m okay. But I have a feeling you might need to talk...”

Mike bit his bottom lip, before he stepped back, allowing Richie to enter in the room. Closing the door behind him, Mike went back to bed, sitting on the mattress and asking with a dejected voice:

“Is that so obvious?”

An awkward laugh escaped Richie’s lips. He sat next to Mike, shaking his legs to let out some of that pent-up energy that forced him out of his own bedroom. Richie wasn’t really good with this kind of stuff. He didn’t know how to help Mike, how much he was willing to talk, if he would be able to have the right words for him…

Richie clearly noticed the day before that this event hadn’t been as fun for Mike as it has been for everyone else. Eddie tried to cheer him up as much as possible, and Richie did his best to ensure that Mike wouldn’t feel excluded and distract him from his broken heart, but there was only so much he could do… Especially when Bill and Audra were nearby, those two lovebirds always eager to express their affection.

“I wish I could hate her.”

Richie adjusted his glasses, looking back at Mike, who had crossed his arms around his chest, in an attempt to hug himself. Richie was tempted to offer him this comfort, but he knew that Mike wasn’t as keen on physical contact as he was, and he didn’t want to cause him to tense up. He was about to say something when Mike added, his gaze downcast:

“She’s not bad. Audra, she’s actually pretty cool. Everyone likes her already, and I can see why. Even with Bill, she’s caring, she compliments him, she never puts him down, she’s making sure that he’s aware of his own value. It would have been easier if she was mean or controlling or abusive in some ways…”

Mike massaged his neck nervously, before going back to his previous posture, a weak smile on his lips:

“I’m the worst, aren’t I? I’m here, wishing that Audra would have been a terrible girlfriend to Bill, so that I could swoop in and save him. As if I was some kind of knight… It’s ridiculous.”

Richie carefully put a hand on Mike’s shoulder, ready to took it off if his friend let him know in any way that he wasn’t comfortable with it. But Mike didn’t move. He sniffled, wiping his face with his pajama sleeve. Richie sighed, getting a little bit closer to Mike, pondering on what he should tell him. He wasn’t equipped to deal with this kind of thing…

“Mike, you… You’re not the worst. You’re in love, and the person you love is already taken, and it’s messy and complicated. And, to be honest, I clearly noticed yesterday that there was something weird with Bill. And I’m not talking about his ponytail, although I’m definitely tempted to snip it while he’s sleeping.”

Mike chuckled at his friend’s joke, while Richie thought back to the day before. He couldn’t tell exactly why, but he had felt uneasy, interacting with Bill, hearing him talk, seeing him act. He didn’t feel like he had his friend back, because the Bill he remembered wouldn’t have cared so much about his stutter. The Bill he knew was always attentive and listening to his friends, and he wouldn’t have tried to interrupt them to brag about his girlfriend or himself.

He was trying too hard. And Richie didn’t know why he was acting like that. There was something wrong with Bill, something that Richie couldn’t pinpoint. And it was honestly worrying.

While he was thinking about all of that, Mike glanced at him, his mouth agape, before he managed to enunciate:

“So you saw it too? It’s not just me, right? Bill… Bill’s not fine.”

“No, he’s not.” Richie fidgeted with his glasses, getting frustrated by their lack of a proper answer. “He’s acting weird and the way he talks about Audra… I don’t know… it’s...”

To be honest, it kinda made him think back to how he could talk about Eddie. To how he could still talk about him sometimes. Richie was willing to admit that he was definitely looking at Eddie through rose-tinted glasses, cooing whenever his boyfriend was doing the simplest thing, thinking that he was the most beautiful and wonderful person this earth ever carried. But he was still aware of his difficulties and some of his flaws, because Richie knew him well.

He knew how stubborn Eddie could be, and he enjoyed it whenever his boyfriend got bossy or bratty. Eddie wasn’t perfect by any means, but he was the person that Richie loved, and he loved him whole. He wasn’t afraid to tease him (sometimes too much, for fuck’s sake!), and they would often bicker, because that’s how they worked.

But he didn’t see that in the way Bill interacted with Audra or whenever he talked about her, bragging about her at every given moment. There was something weird and wrong, and Richie was determined not to let Bill dig this hole any longer. But how to help him? How to make him realize that there was something to fix?

Mike rested his head against Richie’s shoulder and, naturally, Richie engulfed him in a hug, tender and caring. Regardless of Bill’s predicament, Mike was definitely not feeling well, and he was the one who needed him the most at this moment. So, Richie was going to be there for him, definitely. Smiling at his friend, he jokingly said:

“Well, that was quite a coming out, right? It almost beat mine.”

Mike had a weird laugh at his words. He sighed, answering with a thoughtful tone:

“I’m not even sure I really came out. You’re pretty confident when you’re talking about your sexuality, but I… I just know that I love Bill.”

Richie shrugged, patting Mike’s head:

“Hey, you have all the time in the world to figure it out. Eddie’s not using a label for himself yet, you know? Some people never really know, or they start to get used to a term, and then, they figure out that another word is better for them. At least, you know that you love Bill. That’s a good start.”

“Is it?”

Mike grimaced. He stepped away from Richie, who respectfully let him so, getting up from the bed and pacing around the bedroom. He didn’t seem as sad as he was until then, but rather… angry, perhaps?

“I can’t… Bill is in love with someone, and I’m here, ruining everything for everyone, because I can’t get my heart to shut up. I don’t know if he could love me back, even without Audra in his life! I… I don’t want to ruin it all. I don’t want to destroy our friendship and to risk losing him.”

Richie nodded, relating to Mike’s feelings. Oh, how hard it had been, all those years pining over Eddie and not daring to say a word about it. There was always a good excuse, some of them actually understandable, others not so much. To be honest, Richie was just looking for a way not to put himself in such a vulnerable position. So much that Eddie was the one to take the first step, kissing him underwater. And even before that, confessing in ASL.

And thank God he did so, because Richie would have probably never dared to make the first move otherwise. He had been so freaking lucky… But Mike? Not so much. Bill was too enamored by Audra to even think about someone else, whether it was a woman or a man. If Mike wanted to risk it, he would have to do it all alone, because Richie doubted that Bill would take this step for him.

“It’s up to you, Mike. But honestly, if you’re thinking of making a move right now, it’s most likely gonna look bad. Bill is obsessed with Audra. It’s almost creepy.”

Maybe that’s what bothered Richie so much… Every word that came out of Bill’s mouth was related to Audra, more or less. How beautiful she was, how talented, how great, how kind, how caring… Richie was willing to admit that Audra was a good person, but she was human. Not some sort of deity to worship.

Mike stopped in his pacing, his shoulders slumping down:

“You’re right. You’re right, but...”

He was interrupted in his rambling by a little knock on the door and a sleepy whine. Oh, Richie could recognize that cute voice from a mile away… He quickly got up, opening the door to a dazed Eddie, sporting a messy haircut, rubbing his eyes with his fist closed. Richie kissed the top of his head, and Eddie let out a soft moan, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I was looking for you. I heard some noise and looked through the keyhole.”_

“You sneaky weasel...” Richie chuckled, while Mike told Eddie to come in, a gentle smile on his lips. “You couldn’t resist, right?”

Eddie shrugged, closing the door, immediately going to Mike and getting close to his friend, asking with a concerned face:

“ _You’re okay? I was worried. Richie told me I shouldn’t bother you yesterday, but it’s not yesterday anymore, and I want to be sure that you’re alright.”_

Richie cleared his throat at Eddie’s words, always so frank and direct, while Mike was glancing at him, raising an eyebrow. Yeah, he did say that, but he wasn’t really expecting that Eddie would tell that to Mike afterward…

Mike ruffled Eddie’s hair, reassuring him immediately:

“I’m okay, Eddie. Richie helped me.”

“ _I can help too! Tell me what’s bothering you!”_

It was pretty obvious that Eddie didn’t want to feel out of the loop. Richie understood the feeling, but it was up to Mike to decide if he wanted to talk about all of that to Eddie or not. And Eddie would have to accept it, if his friend wasn’t willing to do so. Richie was pretty sure that Eddie wouldn’t let go so easily…

Mike seemed to think the same thing, because, after a heavy sigh, he confessed to Eddie about his feelings for Bill and his concern for their friend. Eddie listened to him attentively, grabbing Mike’s hand to squeeze it tenderly, showing him his support. When Mike was done, Eddie’s fingers grazed his lightwriter’s keyboard, before he finally typed in:

“ _We need to talk to Bill. If he’s not fine, then he’ll feel better afterward.”_

“It’s not that simple, Eddie.” Mike sighed, massaging his neck: “I already tried talking to him. He’s on the fence. He doesn’t want to.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, visibly exasperated. He let out a frustrated whine, typing quickly on his lightwriter:

“ _Why can’t you just talk, all of you? Why do you have to keep being sad in secret? It’s never gonna work out if you just keep it all to yourself. I talk about my mother, and I’m doing better! I talk about this stuff, and it’s out, and it’s for the best!”_

Eddie was getting seriously pissed off, and Richie knew that he needed to calm him down immediately. He gently guided him into a hug, putting his fingers under Eddie’s chin to lift his head and kiss him. Eddie melted under his touch, and he quickly focused on the feelings that were coursing his body, his anger losing its strength. Richie always knew how to appease his horny tiny bunny, that’s for sure…

Mike cleared his throat when the kiss deepened and went on for too long, and Richie and Eddie reluctantly stopped, Eddie resting against his boyfriend’s body, his fingers grabbing his clothes tenderly. Richie ruffled his hair, an adoring smile on his lips. God, he loved Eddie so much…

“Bill’s not ready yet. But it doesn’t mean we’re going to give up, right? Maybe we’ll manage to make him talk this evening. After all, our party is gonna be a little spiked up… I’m 21 now, I definitely have to take advantage of that!”

This evening, they were celebrating his birthday once again, but only the Losers club, Patty and Audra included, back at their flat. And Richie was definitely going to buy some booze himself, now that he could do so. Surely, it would loosen Bill’s tongue a little bit, right? Maybe they could get a better perspective of it all, of Bill’s predicament…

“So, Eds and I are gonna head out for a shower, and we’ll join you for breakfast, Mike. I’m gonna call my parents to see if they can drive us home, it’ll give us the time to buy some stuff for tonight. I think everyone else wants to spend some time in Derry, so they shouldn’t be back at our flat before the afternoon, at least.”

Richie was pretty sure that Bill would pay a visit to Georgie’s grave, and Stan and Patty would probably tag along. Maybe Audra would like to visit a little, she never came to Derry before, after all... Beverly wanted to spend more time with her aunt, and Ben would go wherever his girlfriend was, no doubt about it. Mike, Richie, and Eddie would have all the time they needed to set up the party.

Mike and Eddie agreed to the plan, and Richie led his boyfriend to the bathroom, ready to take part in their morning ritual. The child that he used to be would be so appalled, knowing that his future self would look forward to a shower… But it was a shower with Eddie, and Richie enjoyed every single minute of it. He loved all of the moments he got to spend with his boyfriend, no matter what...

*

Richie was pretty satisfied with everything they prepared. They had food, alcohol, sodas, and fruit juice for those who wanted something else, because Richie’s purpose wasn’t to get everyone drunk out of their mind. It wouldn’t be fun if it was the case…

They even had the time to set up their new DVD player and the Playstation as well! Richie hadn’t been able to resist giving it a try. He challenged Eddie to a fight in “Tekken”, biting back a laugh when he won, and Eddie demonstrated how much of a bad sport he could be, making wild claims about Richie, definitely sure that he must have cheated in some way to defeat him like that.

Richie patted his boyfriend’s head, which only made him even angrier, and Mike gently suggested another game, defusing the tension immediately. Soon enough, they were all invested, Mike taking the controller, playing “Rayman” for a while. No doubt that they were all going to spend lots of time using this device…

They almost forgot about the evening to come, until Richie received a text message on his phone, Beverly warning him that they were taking the minivan and were on the way to their flat. They quickly turned off the console, despite how much they were still eager to play, and prepared everything.

When the Losers were here, Richie greeted them with a big hug and a drink, downing his own glass a bit too quickly. Well, he should probably be reasonable, especially if he wanted to get some confession out of Bill… Richie quickly switched to fruit juice, noticing that Eddie was already tipsy. Obviously, he wasn’t used to drinking, the first and last time he did so being the New Year’s day they spent together.

Richie managed to grab his boyfriend’s glass when Eddie let it go clumsily, the object slipping from his fingers. Eddie whined, resting his head against Richie’s shoulder, grabbing his glass back and drinking it. Richie was definitely going to be the reasonable one, tonight… Kissing Eddie on the temple, he whispered to his ear softly:

“You had enough, don’t you think?”

Eddie shook his head and served himself another glass. Well, that would be his last one, Richie would make sure of that… The last thing he wanted was for Eddie to finish this party bent over a toilet bowl, and he was pretty sure that Eddie wouldn’t want that either.

So far, the party was going just fine. Well, Mike was obviously downing his glass’s content whenever Bill and Audra were getting overly affectionate with each other, but aside from that, he seemed to have fun, talking with Patty about books. Everything seemed to be just fine… Until Beverly suggested, a cheeky smile on her lips:

“Well, I think we’re all drunk enough for a good ol’ Truth or Dare, don’t you think?”

Richie choked on his drink at her words. As far as he remembered, he always hated this game. He remembered playing it when he was young and lying through his teeth the few times he naively picked truth. Oh yeah, he definitely thought Sandy from third-grade was hot, for sure! And he’d love to kiss Phoebe Cates, absolutely! No way he would admit his crush over Michael J. Fox…

But he wasn’t a closeted kid anymore. There wasn’t anything he was ashamed of, right now, and certainly not his love for Eddie, even though he still had a hard time to admit it to people he wasn’t quite trusting… He didn’t have to be afraid, right? And to be honest, it was probably the better way for them to get Bill to talk…

Glancing at Beverly, Richie started to wonder if she had a similar goal in mind. She could be quite cunning, whenever she wanted to. But he didn’t ask her, only agreeing when everyone did the same. Since she proposed the game, Beverly started first, asking the question to her boyfriend. Ben shyly muttered “Truth”, visibly a bit scared by the kind of dares his partner could ask of him.

Beverly laughed, kissing him on the cheek. She took a sip of her almost empty glass, before she finally said:

“Okay, so here we go: if you could be invisible for an hour, what would you do?”

Ben thought about it very seriously, as if it was the most important question he’d ever been asked. Richie smiled at his friend’s hesitation, knowing that he’d never do some of the wild things he could think of at this moment, if he had this power himself…

“I… uh… I’ll think I go to one of your fashion shows and I’ll clap the loudest for you. Because you won’t know it’s me and uh… maybe I could get other people to clap like that too. And you’d deserve it.”

“Aw!” Beverly kissed him again, adding with a grin: “Ben, you’re the only person I know who would come up with a cute answer to this question. I’m pretty sure that if I asked anybody else, I would only get lewd answers. Right, guys?”

Mike seemed like he was about to protest, but his gaze landed on Bill, and he quickly went silent. Eddie nodded energetically, and Richie teased him, poking him with his index finger:

“Really, my horny bunny? What would you do with this power?”

“ _It’s not my turn. But I’d use it for our naughty times, because you’d never know where I’m gonna touch you.”_

Richie reddened at the thought and how bold Eddie was being. Thankfully, everyone seemed more amused than creeped out or disgusted, and they quickly moved on, Ben asking _the_ question to Stan. To their surprise, he chose “Dare” and Richie regretted not being the one to ask that to Stan. Ben would be too kind to ask something truly embarrassing of him…

“Well, uh… I dare you to kiss the most beautiful woman in this room.”

Stan grinned and stood up, pretending that he was going to Beverly. Patty quickly objected and grabbed his arm, getting him on his knees right in front of her.

“How dare you, ahuvì? You’re aw...”

Patty didn’t finish her sentence. Stan straightened up, capturing her lips tenderly, caressing her cheek. He sat back next to her, holding her hand, asking her gently:

“Do you really think I would kiss someone else? You’re my love, Patty, and I’ll never look at anyone but you.”

“I know that, Stan. But I like it when you’re kneeling in front of me.”

She winked, and Richie laughed, as much as everyone else. They kept playing this game, and it was now Audra’s turn. After she said “dare” and was asked to perform the most ridiculous dance she could think of (which she did energetically, Bill barely being able to look at her, his face red), she waited for her boyfriend’s answer. When he chose “Truth”, she glanced quickly at Mike, before she asked, more seriously than the game should be played:

“Do you like the person that you are, Bill?”

Bill raised an eyebrow at her question, visibly confused.

“Uh, what?”

“It’s a simple question. Do you like yourself, yes or no?”

It was simple. And yet, Bill was clearly unable to answer. He remained quiet, mouth agape, and Richie quickly felt awful for him. He was about to intervene, but Audra wasn’t done with him:

“Alright, if you don’t want to answer this question, I have another one for you: do you love me...”

“Of course, I love you!” 

Bill interrupted her, but Audra wasn’t finished and, downing her glass in one go, she ended her sentence bitterly:

“… Or do you fell in love with the character you saw me playing, the first time we met?”

The tension could clearly be felt in the air. Bill’s answer should have been immediate and obvious. Richie knew that. Everyone knew that. And yet… And yet, he was silent, clearly shocked.

“You wrote that fucking play, Bill, and it was so good that you got the theater club to act it out. I was there. I was supposed to play a minor role, but you saw me, and you said that I should be the lead. I played your character, and you said that I was exactly like her, the way you pictured her. I fell in love with your stupid, shy ass and you… you actually fell in love with a character, right? Not me.”

“Uh, maybe we should switch to another game… Just sayin’...”

Richie’s attempt to change the subject fell flat, Audra decided to get an answer out of Bill.

“I loved you back then, Bill. I loved to hear you not being able to say my name because you were too embarrassed to talk to me. I loved your weird ramblings about your stories and the things you could do just for the heck of it. I loved all of you, and I still do. But you...”

She put her glass on the table, a bit too violently. Bill jumped, startled, and Eddie let out a soft whine.

“You don’t like it when I get drunk. You’re embarrassed when I laugh so much that I start to snort. You couldn’t even look at me when I started to dance!”

Bill couldn’t let a word out. Richie never saw him so embarrassed. He was pretty sure that he’d rather jump out of the nearest window rather than to hear another word from Audra about himself. And yet, he didn’t move, and she kept ranting, in her drunk/angry voice:

“You never forget to remind me that I should put on my make-up, and you didn’t like it when I cut my hair short, because that’s not how you’re picturing me. I’m not your perfect character, and you don’t want to admit it. You fell in love with an idea of me, not me. Am I wrong? Tell me that I’m wrong!”

Finally, Bill managed to say something. Sheepishly, he muttered, stuttering through his whole sentence:

“Of c-course, you’re wr... wron… Not right. I lo… lov’you.”

Audra glanced at him for a few seconds, before she grabbed a bottle and poured herself another drink:

“Fuck this. I’m gonna get drunk and forget about this bullshit. Your turn, Bill.”

“Oh… uh… I...”

It was pretty hard to get back to the happy mood they were in until then. They were all stunned, particularly Mike, who couldn’t stop looking at Bill, putting all the pieces slowly together. Richie did his best to get everyone to laugh and enjoy the evening, but it was clearly forced.

The party finished abruptly, and Richie, Mike, and Eddie remained behind, Beverly being the only one still up to help them. Eddie tried to help, but he was having a hard time staying on his feet, and he had to give up and sit down, a sigh escaping his open lips, right next to Ben, who had been asleep for a while. Beverly gently caressed her boyfriend’s cheek, before grabbing an empty bottle and chuckling nervously:

“Well, I think I ruined the party.”

Richie shook his head. It wasn’t Beverly’s fault. They all drank too much, and something like that was bound to happen. Too many silent tensions. Truth be told, he thought that Mike could be the one to do something he’d regret later. Richie didn’t expect that Audra would actually snap. And he had the feeling that it was something that was clouding her mind for a while…

“I should have stopped it immediately. And anyway, it’s not entirely ruined, I had a good time with y’all before that. It’s just… I guess Bill and Audra need a good talk.”

Mike nodded at his words. Regardless of his feelings for Bill, it was obvious that something was wrong in their relationship and that they needed to sort this out. In one way or another. A snore escaped Eddie’s throat, and Richie laughed, defusing the tension a little. He went to kiss his sleepy boyfriend, stretching his arms afterward:

“Well, we still have tomorrow before you’re all going home, right? We’re gonna make the best of it and have a good time together. That’s what you’re here for, after all.”

Richie would do his best to erase this night’s events and make sure that everyone would get to have a fun time the next day. What will happen after that… It was up to Bill and Audra. He just hoped that it wouldn’t be too messy, for both of them...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... Things aren't looking great for Bill and Audra. Their issues are something I've planned for a while, based on the snippet we can see of their relationship in the movie. Bill seems to have his idea about Audra and wants her to act a certain way, but she doesn't. I tried to transcribe that in their relationship in my fanfiction. It's not the only issue they have, but it's definitely the main one. 
> 
> Bill sees Audra as his "manic pixie dream girl", kinda like Tom in the movie "(500) Days of Summer" and you can't really love someone if you only love the idea that you have of them. On the other hand, Audra loved him just like he was, with his stutter, his dorky side and all. He should love her the same and, obviously, he doesn't. 
> 
> It was pretty interesting to write, this whole chapter. I hope you liked it too! I'll explore more of that in later chapters c:.
> 
> Thank you to those who are still there and those who are commenting! Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I love to read your thoughts. And I'd really like to think what you think about Bill and Audra in this chapter :D. 
> 
> You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it and/or subscribe to this story and/or the series.
> 
> Have a nice day! See you soon!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 19th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you'll like it. I don't know why, but I was pissed off all day and I hope you won't feel it in the text xD. I woke up anxious and spent the whole day dealing with my pent-up energy in any way I could, it was so exhausting... I'm feeling a little bit better, thankfully.
> 
> Thank you all for your support! I hope you're doing okay! Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for emetophobia  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for internalized aphobia  
> TW for self-harm
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something! Take care!

Despite how tired he was, Mike barely slept for more than a few hours. He was definitely awake when the sun started to rise, looking at it with a jaded gaze, unable to find interest in what he would admire in other circumstances. He couldn’t stop thinking about what happened the night before. About Audra’s words and Bill’s reaction.

Mike kept replaying this scene in his scene, trying to put some order into his confused feelings. A small part of him, that he definitely disliked, felt happy that Bill and Audra weren’t doing so well, unlike they all thought at first. If he believed that Audra’s anger last night wasn’t entirely born from her drinking too much, then they truly seemed on the verge of a break-up.

It would mean that he had his chances, but Mike couldn’t rejoice. Not only because he felt like a selfish asshole, but also because Bill and Audra both seemed so sad and desperate, when this painful discussion took place. Bill could barely utter a word, and Audra had too much on her plate, her bitterness filling sentences after sentences. It was awkward, but mostly, it was depressing to witness.

Mike never wanted to see Bill like that again. But he couldn’t reject all the blame on Audra, because he knew that she was right. He remembered that most of his interactions with Bill, especially those last few months, were all about himself, his books, his “progress” with his stutter, his relationship with Audra. Even when he was trying to comfort Mike, just like he did back at Disney World, Bill was still talking about himself. His friend had never been so self-centered, and it was concerning, but also something that Bill needed to work on.

Mike sighed, resting his head against his knees, curled up on his bed. He really didn’t know how to feel, at the moment. And how should he react? What would he say if Bill and Audra tried to get him to take their side? His heart was going towards Bill, but his mind was definitely thinking that Audra was in the right, from what he had been able to see. But he didn’t want to risk alienating his friend…

Mike hid his face in his hands, holding back a scream. Why was everything so goddamn complicated? For a second, he envied Richie and Eddie and how simply they could say that they loved each other. But quickly enough, he realized that he couldn’t think such a thing. They both had their struggles that Mike doubted he would have enough strength to deal with. He never wanted to have to go through what they had to face, whether it was Richie’s terrible amount of internalized homophobia or Eddie’s fucked up life with his mom.

He just… He just wished he could go to Bill and tell him that he loved him. Simple enough. But he knew how much he was risking, if he chose to do so. And Mike was unable to face this possibility. Losing Bill? Maybe everyone else as well? He couldn’t bear it. He loved his friends too much to accept the idea that he might be alone again. If it were to happen, he… he…

Mike chased this awful thought away, shaking his head. It wouldn’t happen, because he’d stay silent and be there for his friend, for Bill. And that was it. Besides, he wasn’t even sure what kind of love he was actually feeling for him, because… because he wasn’t quite sure that he’d like to do with him the kind of things Eddie and Richie could do privately.

When he imagined himself with Bill, Mike always pictured tender moments, far away from the kind of kinky dream he thought he should have. The “wildest” thing he could think of was to kiss him, maybe slide his tongue between his lips, but otherwise… His fantasies were relatively chaste, and Mike didn’t know what to make of it. 

If he truly loved Bill, he should want to do this stuff with him, right? But when he tried to think about it, when he tried to push his thoughts towards a more sexual territory, he… he just couldn’t get into it.

Mike felt utterly lost and confused. It was so much easier, when he didn’t have this kind of feeling, when he could just enjoy his time with his friends. But his mind started to think about Bill differently, his heart beating for him, while his body wasn’t following suit. Why couldn’t things be simple, for once in his life?

Mike was getting ready to keep on moping for a little while, when he heard a very recognizable whine and some hushed words overlapping. There was no way to mistake who those voices belonged to. His concern gave Mike the strength to pull himself out of his bed and his sad state, opening his door to see what it was all about.

The first thing he noticed was the smell, that made him scrunch up his nose and filled him with nausea. The second was Eddie’s pajama, covered with puke, and the way his friend was struggling in Richie’s arms, whining desperately. Mike grimaced, taking a step forward, and Richie saw him, his face showing his evident relief. He interrupted his whisper, addressing Mike directly:

“Thank God, Mike, I need you to help me get Eddie to the sink. I think Audra’s in the bathroom, and she can’t hear us.”

Mike nodded and got closer, holding Eddie’s arm gently to prevent him from hurting himself, tightening his grip when he noticed how much his friend was struggling, while Richie tried to ground his boyfriend, without much success at the moment:

“It’s okay, Eds, I’m gonna give you a little wash in the sink, and then, we’ll hit the shower as soon as possible, alright? It shouldn’t be long, just hold on for a few more minutes, okay?”

But Eddie didn’t seem to be in a state to understand why he couldn’t just get cleaned up where he usually was. His eyes glassy, sweat and vomit mixed on the lower part of his face, he was moaning helplessly, tiring himself while trying to get away from Mike and Richie’s grip. They managed to get him to the sink, and Richie asked Mike to hold Eddie in his arms, while he was attempting to wash his boyfriend at least a little bit.

“Eddie, listen to me, I need to take off your pajama top, you’ll feel way better when I do so. I just need you to stay still for a few seconds, okay?”

Mike hoped that Eddie would be able to calm down, but it wasn’t the case, far from it. He seemed even more agitated, struggling against Mike’s grip, kicking his legs to try to get away from him. A single syllable managed to slip through his shivering lips, and Mike felt his throat closing up when he heard it:

“Mo!”

Eddie was experiencing a regressive episode. Of all the times it could have happened, it had to be now… Mike and Richie would know how to deal with it on their own. But with everyone else around? And the tense atmosphere? Fuck… Mike could only hope that they would be able to calm Eddie down before everyone woke up. Which didn’t seem to be the case, at the moment…

“Eddie threw up this morning. I laid him on his side yesterday, because I knew it was safer, but I didn’t think he’d...”

Richie got a wet wipe close to Eddie’s face, and his boyfriend was panicking so much that he reacted reflexively, biting the fingers that were approaching him. Richie let out a pained wail, and the sound was actually able to force Eddie to relax, as soon as he realized what he did. Terrified, he started to cry, going limp in Mike’s arms, and Richie managed to take off his shirt, trying to reassure him in the meantime:

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, it doesn’t hurt, Eds, it’s fine.”

Mike doubted that it was totally the truth, Eddie had bitten the flesh viciously, but he wasn’t going to contradict Richie’s words. Letting go of one of Eddie’s arms, Mike caressed his hair gently, hoping that it might appease him, but to no avail. Eddie kept on crying and calling his mom, looking straight through Richie, as if he couldn’t see him.

“Hey, what’s happening? What’s up with Eddie?”

Mike grimaced, hearing Beverly’s voice. She was visibly woken up, which wasn’t surprising, given that they didn’t have many places for everyone to sleep in, the Losers divided between Mike’s bedroom and the living room. Eddie moaned as soon as he heard her, throwing his head back, trying to get away. Mike couldn’t tell where his mind was, right now, but he doubted that he would be able to handle Beverly’s presence. He probably thought that she wasn’t allowed to be here and that his mother would punish him or something…

While Richie attempted to bring back Eddie, Mike answered, his heart beating too fast:

“He has one of his episodes. Can you keep everyone at bay and tell us when the bathroom’s free to use?”

“Yeah… Yeah, of course.” She couldn’t stop looking at Eddie, visibly shaken up by his current state. “I… Can I do something else?”

Richie shook his head, and Mike added, knowing that Beverly wouldn’t just accept a “no”:

“The fewer people involved, the best it is. Please, can you go check on everyone else and make sure they stay away?”

Beverly hesitated, but in the end, she relented, and Richie and Mike focused back on Eddie. Mike managed to sit him down, holding his hands when Eddie attempted to hit himself, while Richie was cleaning him up, shushing him gently.

“I should have stopped him earlier. He drank way too much. I...”

Mike interrupted him, using a harsher voice than he probably should have:

“Eddie’s well-being first, we’ll deal with the misplaced guilt later, fine?”

Richie glanced at him, mouth agape, as if he couldn’t believe that Mike just said that. But soon enough, he was focusing back on Eddie, who was squirming on his chair, crying and sobbing, calling for his mom incessantly. It was terrifying how powerless Mike felt, unable to reach out to Eddie, get what was going on his mind, what he was currently seeing and experiencing… Was he really so useless? Why couldn’t he help more?

Mike was utterly relieved when Beverly returned with Audra, who looked mortified, especially when she saw Eddie’s state. While Richie was leading him to the bathroom, his boyfriend pliant in his arms, Mike stayed behind, cleaning up the mess they made and attempting to reassure Audra, who couldn’t stop apologizing:

“I’m so sorry, if I knew that he needed the bathroom so badly, I wouldn’t have… I should have...”

Mike shook his head. He felt so tired… Was he really comforting Audra? Bill’s girlfriend? The person that was currently making him so miserable?

Mike bit his bottom lip at the thought. It wasn’t her fault. Audra wasn’t responsible for his feelings, for the way he loved Bill. And she genuinely had no idea that Eddie was so upset and needed the bathroom urgently. He couldn’t hold it against her. It wouldn’t be fair.

“It’s fine, Audra. I should have told you sooner. Eddie has a rigorous routine and, given what happened this morning, he definitely needed to stick to it. But you couldn’t know… It’s fine.”

“Is he going to be okay?” Despite Mike’s reassurance, it was pretty clear that she still felt guilty. “He seemed so sad, I… I never saw him like that.”

Mike wanted to retort that she didn’t know him enough to say that kind of thing, but he bit back his bitterness, taking a deep breath. They didn’t need that. Pulling Eddie out of his regressive episode was the first priority. Mike hoped that the shower would help, even just a little…

He was about to add something when Bill arrived, hugging Audra from behind, assuring her gently:

“It’s… It’s okay, Audra, it happens. Eddie has his moments, it’s… it’s fine.”

Audra seemed genuinely shocked by Bill’s words. She pulled out from his hug, turning to face him:

“How can you say that? How can you brush it off like that?”

Bill seemed genuinely confused by her reaction. He took a step back, raising his hands as if to protect himself:

“I… I don’t… it’s not… I…”

Bill couldn’t even finish his sentence, his stutter worsening considerably. Mike knew that his friend only tried to reassure Audra, that he didn’t mean anything bad, but he couldn’t deny the fact that Bill was taking it all lightly. 

After all, he barely saw Eddie in a regressive state once, and he had no idea how hurtful it was for him, how difficult it was to pull him out of it. Mike was definitely worried, although he was trying to keep it together and not show it too much.

But for Bill, it just seemed like another Sunday for them. As if it was perfectly normal for Eddie to wake up covered in his own puke and moaning desperately for his dead mother to show up, expecting her abuse because he thought he deserved it… It wasn’t. It wasn’t something they should treat so carelessly. It wasn’t normal. It shouldn’t be part of Eddie’s life.

“Audra, we’re handling it.” Mike attempted to smile, without much success. The other Losers arrived as well, showing the same concern, and he tried to explain: “Eddie… I don’t want to say too much, because it’s not my place to do so, but he went through some fucked up stuff, and he’s processing it. Richie and I are taking care of him, alright? I just need you all to stay calm and...”

Right before Mike was able to deliver more instructions, Richie came back with Eddie, who was dressed up in different pajamas, his head hanging low, his arms clutching to his teddy bear. To Mike’s silent question, Richie shook his head, and Mike grimaced. Still regressed. At least, he seemed a bit calmer, now that he was completely clean and had been able to follow the first part of his morning routine.

Richie sat him down on his chair, putting in front of him everything he would need to eat his breakfast. But Eddie merely shoved his fingers between his lips, sucking on them, not reaching for his cutlery or anything to eat. He wasn’t in the proper mental state to do that on his own, no matter how much Richie was currently encouraging him, talking to him in this soothing, soft voice that was usually enough to help Eddie out of his darker thoughts.

Richie sighed, turning his face towards Mike with a pleading look:

“I… He won’t want the Losers to see him in that state. Can you… Can you take them all out for breakfast? I’ll pay back if needed. I just… He…”

Richie looked back at Eddie, who noticed the food on the table and took out his fingers from his mouth, parting his lips passively:

“He needs me.”

Mike understood. It was about Eddie’s dignity, first and foremost. He hated to be seen as vulnerable, and he definitely wouldn’t want to be watched by his friends while he was being fed by Richie. Eddie already felt utterly humiliated whenever his family witnessed him like that, but the Losers? He wouldn’t be able to handle it…

“Yeah. Of course, Richie. Call us when he gets better, alright?”

Richie nodded distractedly, focusing entirely on Eddie. Mike sighed, turning back to the Losers and offering them to go out for their breakfast. While most of them quietly agreed, Stan protested:

“Eddie’s my friend! And Richie too! I’m not going to let them...”

Patty interrupted him, putting her hand on his cheek, shushing him gently. She whispered a few words to his ear, and he seemed to understand. Even though it was clear how much he wished to stay, he accepted to follow them out, to Richie and Mike’s relief.

Patting Richie’s shoulder quickly on the way out, Mike led the Losers to their usual tea room, not so far from their flat. It was so weird, coming here without Eddie and Richie… Even the waiters seemed intrigued, only seeing Mike, surrounded by new customers. But they didn’t pry, sitting them and serving them diligently.

“We… We used to come here before.”

Mike raised an eyebrow at Bill’s words, before he remembered. Oh, yes, before it became Eddie, Richie, and his place, this tea house was where Mike and Bill used to spend time together, just the two of them. Mike almost forgot about it, at the moment… He managed to smile, answering with a hint of nostalgia in his voice:

“Yes, we did. It’s where you were always the most inspired, you remembered?”

Bill nodded, and his smile warmed up Mike’s heart, in a way he couldn’t quite describe. Not for long, anyway. Audra interrupted them, playing nervously with her food:

“Listen, it’s really great that you have such good memories of this place, but can we focus on what’s actually important, right now? What the fuck is up with Eddie? Is he really going to be okay? Why can’t we help?”

Everyone else seemed to agree with Audra’s questions, and honestly, Mike could get where she was coming from. He himself felt frustrated, knowing that he couldn’t be there for Eddie or Richie, that he had no idea if things were getting better, if Eddie was coming out of his episode or retreating even further, if Richie was handling it well or if he was getting desperate…

Mike took a deep breath. He had to trust them. He had to trust his friends and their ability to pull through, no matter what. They were strong. Stronger than anyone else thought they were. It’ll be fine. He had to believe it. He had to believe in them. Otherwise…

“Eddie can get quickly overwhelmed when he’s in this state. He… He thinks that you’re not allowed there, for reasons I shouldn’t be the one to explain, and his confusion might worsen. He… uh...”

Mike bit his bottom lip, admitting sadly:

“He really didn’t want you to see him like this.”

Whether Eddie would remember it or not, Mike was pretty sure that he would feel awful, knowing that he had an episode when his friends were there to witness it. Eddie did everything he could to ensure that it wouldn’t happen, that he wouldn’t “ruin” Richie’s birthday, that the Losers would never have to see him in this state of mind, not again. And yet, it still happened. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

Eddie drank, sure, but he was just having fun, and none of them thought he overdid it. He was tipsy, yes, but he didn’t drink as much as he did during New Year’s Eve. Yet, he was probably already exhausted from the day before, having to celebrate Richie’s birthday with everyone else first, then with the Losers. He was perhaps more vulnerable than he usually was, pushing himself far more than what he was used to…

Mike should be able to distract everyone else, but he wasn’t Richie. He couldn’t pull out jokes from nowhere and make his friends laugh. Instead, he was hearing them openly worrying about Eddie, while Audra and Bill were actually bickering, Bill managing to fight his stutter in order to retort to her words:

“I’m not ignoring Eddie’s issues, I’m… I’m just saying we shouldn’t dramatize it so much, he wouldn’t w… wuh… he wouldn’t like us to do that!”

“So what? It’s all fine and dandy? Never mind that your friend, or if you can even call him like that given how you’re treating him, was so scared and panicking that he had to be held tightly so that he wouldn’t hurt himself! Oh sure, it’s perfectly normal and acceptable, let’s just eat our pancakes and not think about it one more second! Why was I stupid enough to worry about him?”

No one dared to intervene. Mike himself didn’t know what to say at the moment. Most of all, he was exhausted. He didn’t want to deal with Audra and Bill’s drama at the moment, not when his mind was completely preoccupied with Eddie. 

If only he could be at their flat, helping Richie, making sure that Eddie knew that he wasn’t going to be punished, that everything was okay and that, even if he were to remain regressed for the rest of the day or more, he wouldn’t be left alone… But instead, he was here, forced to listen to Audra and Bill’s fight, while the rest of the Losers were visibly as lost as he was, not knowing what to tell them or to do.

“You… You don’t get it, Audra. You don’t know him like I do, you...”

Mike hit the table, loud enough to startle everyone in the tea room. He quickly apologized for his angry impulse, his cheeks red, clearing his throat to chase away the embarrassment:

“Bill, you barely saw Eddie since he came back. You can’t say that you know him. You don’t know what he’s like. You have no idea what he went through.”

He had no idea how much Eddie struggled, continuously fighting against himself, his past, his traumas, finding the strength to smile and keep on living no matter what. Bill hadn’t seen Eddie after Bowers stabbed him. 

He hadn’t witnessed his night terrors, his most violent regressive episodes, how submissive and meek he had been at first, never allowing himself a single initiative, thinking that he might get punished if he ever made a “mistake”…

No, Bill hadn’t seen any of that. He had no right to pretend that he knew what Eddie was going through. Heck, even Mike couldn’t understand it! Not all of it, anyway. He could only be there for his friend, as much as he could, and believe in him, when so few people did…

On the other hand, he wasn’t totally wrong. Worrying endlessly about Eddie wouldn’t help. Audra’s heart was in the right place, but she had to accept that she couldn’t be of much use at the moment, and she had to trust Eddie and Richie. They would pull through. Mike knew it.

“Audra, trust me, I know what you’re feeling. And I get it. But Eddie went through worse than that, and he always managed to move forward, no matter what. I need you to believe in him. And, I’m begging you, don’t let this episode change your attitude towards him, alright? He doesn’t need to be infantilized.”

Audra listened to him, before she finally nodded, even though it was clear that she didn’t like it one bit. She really wanted to help and she couldn’t. None of them could. The only thing they were able to do was to step away, so that Eddie would be in a safe environment, allowing Richie to help him out of his episode. And it was so frustrating, being forced into this passive role… Mike knew that very well.

Bill bit his bottom lip, answering sheepishly:

“I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… You know. Eddie… He’s my friend, I… I just wanted to… I wanted to help...”

And he probably hoped that he could reassure Audra, but he didn’t understand her worries, which made everything worse. Mike couldn’t stop himself from comparing them to Richie and Eddie’s dynamic. Even now, Bill wasn’t apologizing to Audra for the way he dismissed her concerns. He was only justifying himself, his behavior, and even though Mike understood where he was coming from, he couldn’t support how he acted.

Richie wouldn’t do that to Eddie, and Eddie wouldn’t that to Richie. That much was clear. They were always making so many efforts to communicate, despite their inherent difficulties, and it showed. They trusted each other in ways that couldn’t be quantified and, Mike was sure of it, Richie would be able to help Eddie, because Eddie allowed him to see him in such a vulnerable state. Because, even when he was the most confused, Eddie always relied on Richie. And Richie relied on him as well, before anyone else. 

Mike couldn’t see that in Audra and Bill. And he was unable to feel an inkling of happiness at this idea, because of how sad it was. How miserable they both currently felt. Bill was keeping his head low, Audra’s eyes were filled with tears… It wasn’t something Mike wished to see. No, certainly not. 

Mike’s cellphone vibrated in his pocket, and he pulled it out quickly, reading the text that Richie sent him. A relieved sigh slipped past his lips, and he informed everyone else, managing to put on a smile:

“Eddie’s doing better. He asked for you all.”

He pulled through it so much easier than he did on other occasions… Eddie was learning to handle his episodes more and more, and Mike couldn’t feel prouder of his friend. Everyone seemed just as relieved as he was, and Mike clarified:

“He’s probably not going to use his lightwriter anytime soon. Richie told me he communicated using some basic sign language. I doubt he’d be able to talk a lot more, but he’ll be happy to spend time with you.”

They all nodded gravely. Stan offered, tapping nervously on the table, forcing a smile:

“Do you think he’d like to play some Chess with me? I mean… Just like before.”

Mike thought about it for a second, before nodding, adding with a soft tone:

“I think he’s going to love it, Stan.”

*

And Mike wasn’t wrong. Eddie had been utterly overjoyed when Stan offered him to play. He had troubles focusing on the board and would often zone out, gently nudged by Richie out of his (probably) dark thoughts, but he was still happily playing. Stan was definitely going easy on him at the moment, and Mike couldn’t blame him. He probably remembered how Eddie used to be a poor loser back in the day, which he still was, and didn’t want to risk upsetting him after what he went through.

Eddie was clearly not in the right state of mind to perceive it. Even though he was definitely aware of what was going on around him, he was also confused, seemingly lost between past and present. At some point, he asked Stan, Richie translating his signs, where Mrs. Beckett was, as if they were currently at their chess club, back in high school. 

Stan was so taken aback that he merely shrugged, while Richie told Eddie that they were home. It was at this moment that he started to worry that his mother might not like the fact that his friend was there, probably remembering how she acted the first and only time she met Stan and interacted with him. 

Stan hadn’t been able to handle it. He took a break to the bathroom, Richie hearing him turning on and off the faucet many, many times, while Patty took over gently, finishing to play with Eddie. He was definitely confused about who Patty was, but he seemed to trust her and appreciate her presence. 

They spent the rest of the time watching a movie, all of them keeping a close eye on Eddie, who was curled up against Richie and seemed ready to fall asleep at any given moment, unable to follow the plot when he usually was so into it. He eventually drifted off, a soft snore coming from his throat, visibly exhausted by the energy he spent this whole weekend and the emotions he had to handle this morning.  
  
The Losers really wanted to stay, but they had a plane to catch and couldn’t wait for Eddie to get truly better. Richie attempted to wake him up, so that he’d be able to say goodbye, but Eddie was definitely too tired, not even opening an eye despite Richie’s best efforts. Mike suggested that everyone wrote a nice note to him, and so they did, making sure that Eddie knew that they were really happy to see him and spend time with him.

This weekend definitely didn’t go like Mike thought it would… There were good parts, sure, but he couldn’t help but believe that the bad parts outweighed the rest. Audra and Bill’s fight, Eddie’s regressive episode, everyone worrying endlessly, the tension… Mike could only hope that Richie still felt that he had a lovely birthday, despite all of that. 

Right before the Losers were about to leave, saluting Mike and Richie warmly, Audra took advantage of the hug she was giving to Mike to whisper to him:

“Come with Eddie and Richie when they’ll visit us. I think Bill will need you.”

Mike didn’t know what to say. He was still stunned and silent when Audra took a step away, giving Bill a quick look that evidently meant “We need to talk”. Mike definitely never wanted to be on the receiving end of such a stare… And neither did Bill, considering the way he lowered his head.

What a strange, strange weekend… When Mike and Richie sat back on the couch, holding Eddie in a warm embrace, they were both sharing the same look of utter confusion and tiredness. They would definitely need some time to process it all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, I always pictured Mike as asexual in this story. He's not aromantic, but he's definitely not interested in the sexual side of relationships as Eddie or Richie can be. I don't think he'd be revulsed or he would reject it if he had been offered to try, but he's definitely not going to initiate it. 
> 
> Problem is that he never really got anyone to talk about that, so he doesn't know that he's definitely not alone in this and thinks that he's broken in some ways (which was how I used to think of myself too until I was able to recognize that I was asexual all along). I think that talking to Richie might help, he's definitely going to be there so that Mike understands that there's nothing wrong with him c:.
> 
> Bill is not really in his brightest moment right now. He's mostly clueless and definitely self-centered, but it's not without reasons. You'll know more about it when Eddie, Richie and Mike will go to Bill and Audra's place to pay a visit to Sonia Kaspbrak's grave. I think Mike has found an unlikely ally in Audra. She's not aware of his feelings, but she definitely appreciated that he told off Bill when he felt like he had to. I think it will make for an interesting relationship between them...
> 
> And Eddie experienced another regressive episode :c. I think it was pretty much unavoidable, given how much Eddie pushed himself throughout the weekend. And then he threw up on himself (and the bed) and it all went downhill. He's gonna get better, but it was a lot for him and his mind felt like it needed to retreat. 
> 
> It was a pretty fun, albeit weird chapter to write! I hope you liked it.
> 
> Don't hesitate to let me know what you thought about it, I'd love to read your comments about Mike's sexuality, his relationship with Bill and Audra or about Richie and Eddie! You can also leave a kudos and/or subscribe to this series and/or story if you feel like it.
> 
> Have a nice day! Take care and see you soon!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay :D. Welcome to the 20th chapter of this fanfic! 
> 
> Thank you all for your continued support, it means everything to me c:. I hope you'll like this chapter! 
> 
> Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for mention of emetophobia
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Eddie didn't expect their weekend to end like that. Truth be told, there were many things he hadn't been able to plan, starting with Audra and Bill's conflict. He didn't guess either that Mike would feel so bad, holding back his love for his friend already taken. And then, Eddie drank too much and threw up on the bed and himself the next morning, and everything just became worse after that.

He barely remembered his last day with the Losers. It was all so blurry, as if he was trying to take a peek through a foggy window, his eyes half-closed. And Eddie hated this feeling. It meant that he experienced one of his regressive episodes and that he lost himself pretty deeply. Otherwise, he'd at least be able to remember it fully… He could kinda picture Richie helping him to eat, if he focused very hard on the event. And a chess game with Stanley, maybe? Eddie wasn't quite sure…

He couldn't help but feel that he had wasted everyone's time, even if Richie insisted that it wasn't the case. If only he had known how to restrain himself when he started to drink… He knew that he was a lightweight, why did he think that he could handle it? But after the first drink, everything seemed easier to handle, for Eddie. As if the world was suddenly a little less bright, not so noisy either… He thought it might help him to stick around a bit longer. How wrong he had been…

Even though they all left him a note, filled with kind and loving words, Eddie still felt that his friends were probably disappointed that he wasn't in the right state of mind to enjoy their presence one day more. And he should have been. He let out a sigh, curling up on the couch a bit more, resting his head against Richie's shoulder.

His boyfriend patted his head softly, smiling gently. Eddie was pretty sure that Richie was aching to do something to help him out of his bad thoughts, but Eddie was too out of it at the moment for anything than mindlessly watching their TV. This weekend, it took a big toll on him. Eddie didn't quite remember the last time he felt so tired and sluggish. He was sure that if he were ever to close his eyes for too long, he would sleep for two days straight. And Eddie didn't want that to happen.

He barely managed to put on his clothes this morning, relenting and accepting Richie's help after struggling for too long with his buttons. Everything seemed to happen too slowly and too quickly at the same time, a weird and jarring feeling that left Eddie confused and dizzy most of the time. He actually had to focus real hard to make out Richie's words, so that they would make sense to him. At the moment, he was trying to lift Mike's spirits, nudging him so that their friend would stop zoning out as he did for the past five minutes:

"Come on, Mikey Mike, it's not gonna help if you keep on moping. You're still thinking about Bill?"

Eddie managed to turn his head away from the TV, looking at Mike, who was openly grimacing. So, it was a definite yes. He was thinking about Bill. How could he not, given his feelings and what happened this weekend? Eddie wouldn't know what to do, if he had been in his friend's shoes… He was lucky enough that Richie had always been single and that he returned him his feelings as soon as Eddie made them (painfully) obvious.

But if it hadn't been the case? What would he have done, if Richie had dated someone at the time? Eddie had no idea, but he knew that he would feel terrible. He loved Richie too much to think of him with another person… He guessed it was probably the same with Mike. Biting his bottom lip, he typed slowly on his lightwriter, having trouble touching the right keys:

" _I'm_ _sorry, Mike. I wish it could be simpler."_

Mike let out a sigh, stretching his arm to reach Eddie's head and ruffle his hair quickly. Eddie loved it whenever his friend was allowing himself to be tactile and touch him. Actions meant more than spoken words to him, and having Mike show his affection that way was definitely priceless for Eddie. He leaned slightly into the touch, a whine escaping his throat when Mike stopped touching him. He didn't insist, though, knowing that it wasn't as natural for Mike as it was for Richie or himself.

"You and me both, Eddie. I just… I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. I… It's just so freaking confusing."

Mike pulled his legs on the couch, curling up and hugging himself tightly. It was pretty clear how vulnerable he felt at the moment, and Eddie wished he could take his sadness away from him… But he was unable to be there for his friend as much as he wanted. Eddie was so, so tired… He tried to add something, but his thoughts weren't making much sense, and his fingers stopped hovering over his lightwriter, giving up on what he wanted to say, whatever it was.

Richie took over, fidgeting with his glasses, visibly not at ease with the subject as much as he wished to be:

"For now, I guess we can only wait to see how it goes. We don't even know if Bill and Audra will patch things up or if… you know..."

Maybe they would break up. It was definitely something they all thought about, looking back at their interactions. Eddie didn't recognize the love he shared with Richie, thinking about Bill and Audra. It wasn't anywhere close either to Stanley and Patty's relationship, this quiet trust and acceptance, no matter what could happen. Eddie couldn't quite pinpoint why he felt that way, but he was definitely at a loss when he tried to think why Bill and Audra were together.

Bill was… He was quite different from what Eddie remembered of him. He didn't even really interact with him this weekend, as if there was this wall between them, and Eddie hated this feeling. There never had been this kind of barrier between Bill and him. Eddie admired him, but he always found it easy to talk to him, never hesitating to do so. And Bill was so caring, always so attentive…

Yet, the Bill that he saw this weekend, Eddie had been unable to talk to him. He wasn't even sure Bill was really interested in what he could say, what he became after all this time… If he wasn't talking about his girlfriend, it was about himself, and there was only so much Eddie could say, given that he hadn't seen his friend in months…

Eddie didn't understand why he acted like this, and he wasn't sure anyone else did. Mike and Richie were clearly lost, anyway. But his boyfriend was right: there wasn't much they could do, for now. Even though it was so frustrating! Eddie persisted: if everyone talked about their problems, then things would be so much easier to handle! Perhaps he was naive, but maybe things would get back in order if Mike confessed to Bill? Bill might realize that he wasn't really in love with Audra and would give a try to a different kind of relationship with Mike…

Or maybe not, and, although he'd rather just have Mike and Bill talking openly about their issues, Eddie could understand why Mike didn't dare to do so. Bill could react badly. He might not want to see Mike again. And if that happened… Well, Eddie would be really sad about it, but he'd definitely choose Mike over Bill.

His friend had been there for him since he came back, a solid presence that never withered. Eddie didn't blame Bill for having his own life far away from them, but he couldn't deny that he was definitely closer to Mike now. Mike knew him in ways Bill probably never would. He definitely saw him at his worst, more than once, and he supported him, as much as possible. If Eddie chose Bill over Mike, he would clearly be a lousy friend, and he was pretty sure Richie wouldn't let it fly so easily. His boyfriend was definitely as aware as Eddie was of Mike's worth and how much of a good friend he was…

Eddie slowly got up, wobbling until he managed to sit between Richie and Mike, hugging his friend's arm tightly, whining softly. If only he could more… But Eddie just ruined everything, drinking too much, acting so recklessly and… and…

Richie sighed deeply, poking his partner's cheek with his index finger, then Mike's, saying with an annoyed tone:

"Ugh, I just want to see a smile on your pretty faces. Is it too much to ask? How can I make that happen?"

Richie thought about it for a while, shaking his legs, caressing Eddie's hair distractedly, until he came up with an idea, a grin on his face:

"I know! I think it's time to bring Lord Noodle the Third home."

Eddie raised an eyebrow, confused by Richie's words. Too tired for it to make sense, he had needed Mike to spell it out clearly before finally understanding what was happening:

"You really want us to adopt a pet? Right now?"

"Why not? If we settle before we go on what we want, then it shouldn't be too long, right? Besides, we could all use fresh air! One more minute inside, and I'll be as pale as a ghost. I might even be able to teach pottery to Eds!"

The more Eddie was listening to Richie's rambling, the less he got it. Mike shrugged at his bewilderment, clearing it up quickly, without much more to say on the subject:

"Movie reference."

Eddie immediately accepted the explanation, mostly because he didn't have the brain right now to think more about the subject. He rubbed his eyes, trying to chase the fog that was clouding his mind. Was he really supposed to make a decision so important, when he was so goddamn tired? Eddie whined anxiously, typing on his lightwriter:

" _I don't want to make a mistake."_

Richie noticed how nervous he was, and he attempted to reassure Eddie, kissing him on the forehead:

"It won't be a mistake, whatever happens. This pet, I think it will do us all some real good. And, besides, I'm the one with the toughest responsibility: picking the perfect name."

Richie grinned, while Eddie overly groaned, shaking his head. Why did Mike suggest that for his birthday? And why did Eddie thought that it was a good idea at the time? He really didn't want a pet named Lord Noodle the third…

Anyway, Richie seemed to have managed to pull Mike from his bad thoughts, and it was probably for the best. He didn't need to mope endlessly, given that he couldn't do a single thing about Bill or Audra at the moment… Stretching his whole body, trying to keep the exhaustion away, Eddie listened to Richie and Mike, while they were discussing the entire thing.

First thing first, they had to make a pretty important decision: a cat or a dog? Both had their perks, for sure, but after a few arguments made, it became obvious that they would opt for a cat. 

Given that Mike and Richie wouldn't be so much at home, with their jobs (Richie was still waiting for an answer from the pub, but they were all hopeful about it), it would mean that Eddie would have to walk the dog if they got one and that he would have to handle its barks, which could be difficult to do if he was having a meltdown or dealing with the aftermaths of an episode, whatever it was about.

A cat would be easier to handle. They just had to make sure that its litter box remained clean and that their pet was adequately cared for. Eddie was determined to keep their future cat's litter box pristine, and he was pretty sure that they would all take good care of their pet, feeling responsible for it.

So, a cat it would be. They didn't care much about the gender, but they definitely didn't want it to be either too young or too old. None of them had much experience when it comes to pets, even though Mike had lived on a farm previously, and they didn't want to mess up their cat's education. If it had already learned some basic stuff before, being clean and all, it would be for the best.

Now, they had to choose a name. Or, rather, Richie would have the last word, and Mike and Eddie would have to accept it, no matter what. Eddie expected something truly awful… Heck, he even thought Richie could name their cat "Eddie" or "Eds" only to annoy him. Fortunately, that didn't seem to be the case. He didn't even try to joke about it, and Eddie guessed that Richie was aware of how tired he was at the moment and definitely not receptive to his usual teasing.

"I was thinking about Gnocchi. I don't know, it seems pretty gender-neutral, and I like how it sounds. And it's a type of pasta, so I'm definitely keeping up with the tradition, while still allowing my Eddie Spaghetti to remain unique. I wouldn't name anyone but you Spaghetti, my love."

" _How touching."_

Mike chuckled at his words and how dry he sounded, but truth be told, Eddie appreciated it. Even if he wasn't fond of every nickname Richie could have for him, he definitely didn't want him to use them for anyone else, even for a freaking cat. And… And Gnocchi was pretty cute, he had to admit it. Now that it was all settled, Eddie couldn't wait for it to happen! They were going to have a cat… A real cat!

Eddie never got a pet before. His mother would never have allowed him to do so, so he never dared to ask. Pets could carry lice and tons of disease, so, of course, she wouldn't let any of them getting close to her fragile Eddie bear… 

But Eddie suspected that she merely wanted him to feel alone and to only rely on her at every moment, even when he was looking for comfort because of her actions and/or her words. If they had a pet, Eddie would have probably latched onto it at any given moment, and it would have provided him the support he needed, ever so slightly. So, of course, he couldn't have that.

But now, everything was different. Eddie wasn't with his mother anymore, and Mike and Richie trusted him. They knew he could take care of a cat, and Eddie was decided to be the best guardian ever for this small animal they were going to get. Even at his most tired state, he would be there for Gnocchi, Eddie was sure of it.

He managed to find the strength to get up and put on his shoes, but tying them on was definitely a challenge at the moment. Eddie was too excited and exhausted simultaneously, and it wasn't a good combination for a task like that. After a third botched-up attempt, Eddie let out a frustrated moan and hit his forehead, unable to healthily process his feelings.

Richie immediately reached out to him, grabbing his hands and helping him to stim less painfully, shushing him and reassuring him. They weren't in a rush. Eddie could take all the time he needed. And if he didn't feel able to do it today, then Richie would help, because he knew that those last few days had been a lot to handle…

Eddie gave one quick look at his shoes, before asking for help, using ASL to do so. His cheeks went red, feeling ashamed to have given up so quickly, but Richie didn't make a big deal out of it. He merely gave him a hand, humming a soft tune, before straightening up and patting Eddie's head tenderly. Soon enough, they were all ready to go out, climbing in Richie's car and heading to the pet store. 

Eddie was literally vibrating on his seat, unable to stay still. He was definitely too excited at the moment, but he'd worry about that later. They were going to get a pet! Their pet! Eddie cooed audibly, and Richie laughed, glancing at Mike through the rear-view mirror, smiling widely:

"I swear Eddie's going to purr at any given minute now! Mike, can we include a collar for my horny bunny on the shopping list?"

"I don't want to hear about your kinks." Mike answered, a chuckle escaping his throat, while Eddie had gasped and whined protestingly at the idea of getting collared like some kind of wild animal. "We're just getting our cat and whatever it will need, alright?"

Richie grumbled exaggeratedly, while Eddie stuck his tongue out at him, a pouting expression on his face. After a short moment, though, he asked thoughtfully, typing on his lightwriter:

" _People can wear a collar? Like pets?"_

Richie clearly saw Mike hesitating to put his hands over his ears, and he decided to keep it (mostly) family-friendly, explaining it as clearly as he could to Eddie:

"Some people, yes. It can be a sexual thing or something else entirely. I guess it's about domineering someone else or feeling compelled to submit."

He bit his bottom lip before he added, clearly focusing on the road more than necessary:

"Uh, would you… Are you interested?"

Eddie pondered on the idea, while Mike was visibly cringing behind. Wearing a collar? Being treated like an animal? Or doing so to Richie? No, he couldn't picture that in his mind. He liked to be bossy with his boyfriend, especially when they were having sex, but acting like that? Trying to get Richie to submit? No, definitely not. It wasn't something he was interested in.

He finally shook his head, typing on his lightwriter:

" _No. I don't want to mistreat you. And I'm not comfortable with the idea of submission. Not after everything that happened."_

Richie grimaced, and Eddie wondered if he had been too frank, as he could sometimes be. He had been so used to be pliant and obedient, bringing that in their sexual activities… Eddie didn't like this idea one bit. Having control, it meant the world to him. Giving up on that, even with someone he trusted as much as Richie, Eddie… He just couldn't.

Clearing his throat, Mike quickly told them that they arrived at their destination. Richie parked the car as soon as he could, and Eddie jumped out of the car, grabbing his boyfriend's arm, humming excitedly. A cat! They were going to have a cat! A real cat! His excitement began to mix with nervousness, as soon as they entered the shop. So many animals around… Eddie didn't know where to look or what to do.

Thankfully, the owner was nearby, greeting them warmly and asking them quickly a few questions, to see what they were looking for. Eddie didn't have it in him to interact with a stranger at the moment, so Mike and Richie answered in his stead, while he was giving a quick glance everywhere he could, holding his partner's arm as if it was his lifeline.

What if their cat didn't like him? What if he hurt it without meaning to do so? What if he had a meltdown and could not care for it when it needed him to be there? What if…?

Eddie's train of thoughts came to a halt when Richie caressed his cheek, pulling him out of his anxious state. His jaw relaxed around his fingers, that he had shoved nervously between his lips, and he sucked on them, not caring for a second that people could see him acting like that. Eddie was tired, scared, and he didn't want to mess it up, but he would, because he already ruined Richie's birthday, and now that!

Richie kept him close, hugging him tightly, waiting for the owner to make a single remark, but he didn't, keeping his polite smile.

"I think I have just the cat for you."

He led them to a black cat, who was around five months, and was definitely the cutest thing Eddie ever laid his eyes on. The kitty was looking at them with its big brown eyes, and Eddie felt mesmerized. He couldn't stop himself from cooing, causing Mike and Richie to chuckle, Richie saying out loud:

"I think it's a match. Hi, kitty cat!"

Richie waved at the black cat, while the store owner informed them:

"She's very easygoing. She's incredibly affectionate and, if she were to lick your skin, then you should definitely feel flattered, because that's how she shows her love to humans. She's a bit chatty, but nothing unbearable. She definitely needs a home full of love to live her life to the fullest."

Eddie couldn't stop looking at her, this beautiful creature that would soon be theirs. He felt humbled, looking at the small and round cat, thinking that she would be their responsibility. Eddie was going to take care of her. She'd be the happiest cat that ever existed. He didn't move, looking at her and dying to touch her, while Richie and Mike opted for a few toys and accessories so that she would have a nice environment to live in at their flat.

When the adoption became official, all three of them left with the cat and their various purchases, after listening to a few more recommendations from the store owner. Eddie suddenly felt like crying. He didn't even know why, he just… He just started to sniffle, his eyes watering slightly, looking at their cat in her transport box, mewling every now and then to be let out. Richie and Mike quickly dumped what they were carrying in the car, hugging Eddie as soon as they could. But Eddie wasn't sad or upset, he was… He wasn't even sure.

Happy. Definitely happy. During the whole trip back, Eddie only looked at their cat, at Gnocchi, humming and letting out soft whines here and there, his whole world suddenly limited to their precious pet. He didn't see the knowing looks Mike and Richie shared and didn't react when his boyfriend joked that he was so happy to get his two kitties back home. He was carrying Gnocchi's transport box on his knees, and there was nothing else he could think of at the moment…

Once they were back home, Gnocchi's box opened and everything put at its place for her to discover it, Eddie was definitely tempted to follow her everywhere and reach for her, but Mike, who was the most used to animals in general among them, instructed him to leave her alone:

"She needs to get used to her new world and us too. Just like when you came back to Richie's home after all those years."

Eddie nodded thoughtfully at Mike's quick explanation, definitely relating to the feeling. Even though he was itching to caress their cat's fur and get to appreciate this new feeling, he remembered how he felt before and how he needed time to process everything that happened, all the changes in his life. He wasn't going to scare Gnocchi away. Definitely not.

They pulled out one of their board games to keep themselves busy, but Eddie had a hard time focusing on anything else than their cat. He kept glancing at her, wondering how she felt, if she liked it there. It took a big kiss on his forehead from Richie to bring him back to them, Mike chuckling at his distraction:

"Well, if I was Richie, I'd definitely be worried. You've got competition, dude."

"As if! My Eddie Spaghetti would never settle for such a tiny creature, he needs his big, strong, hairy man!"

Eddie rolled his eyes at Richie's words, a groan slipping past his lips, but he quickly switched to a laugh, as soon as Richie pulled out the sad eyes. With his glasses, they just seemed so big, almost weirdly threatening. Eddie only managed to stop laughing when he noticed that the noise startled Gnocchi, doing his best to calm down quickly. He didn't want to scare her so stupidly…

It was soon pretty clear that Eddie definitely didn't have the mindset at the moment to focus on any kind of board game. Mike suggested to test some video games on Richie's brand new PS1, and they all agreed. Eddie snuggled against Richie, glancing distractedly at the screen, his thoughts focusing too often on their cat, who seemed to have the time of her life in their flat, enjoying her brand new cat tree and the toys they put here and there for her.

After a while, though, she started to get close to her owners, slowly but surely. When she jumped on the couch, Eddie didn't dare to move, barely allowing himself to breathe. She sniffed him, before climbing onto him. Eddie had been unable to hold back a moan, between happiness and nervousness, while Gnocchi was getting used to him.

"I think she already picked a favorite." Mike winked at him, smiling widely. "Lucky you."

Eddie didn't reach for his lightwriter. It would surely scare her away. Instead, he merely whined, looking at their cat while she was getting used to him and his body. He kept himself still, only relaxing when she did, closing her eyes and taking a little nap. On him. On Eddie's body. He couldn't believe it!

He cooed happily, and Richie stopped looking at the screen to admire him and their new pet, already bonding. Eddie closed his eyes when Richie kissed him, slowly nodding when his boyfriend suggested:

"Maybe you'd like to take a nap as well?"

Eddie was definitely tired, after this weekend, after everything that happened, after having greeted Gnocchi into his life. He messed up the day before, but he didn't ruin everything with their pet. She wasn't scared of him. She wasn't rejecting him. She… She started to love him. Eddie was definitely the happiest man in the world, at this moment.

His head resting on Richie's knees, he wasn't long to succumb to sleep, his lips slightly parted. The snore that escaped him startled Gnocchi awake, and she quickly got away, getting close to Mike instead. Richie chuckled at the sight, pausing his game to caress his boyfriend's hair, whispering with an amused tone:

"Well, I guess we'll still keep our bed for us alone, if Gnocchi is allergic to your snores. But I love them, just like every other part of you."

Mike started to caress their cat carefully, the pet quickly warming up to him. He'd probably be the one to welcome her in his room, when the night would come… Richie could clearly see that he didn't mind, on the contrary. He hoped that it would help, that Mike would feel less alone whenever he was going to sleep, without anyone by his side.

Mike seemed content, at least. And Eddie appeased enough to take a much-needed nap. Mission accomplished, Richie. And Gnocchi too, obviously...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Team Cat won and Mike, Richie and Eddie finally adopted Gnocchi :D. I hope you like this cutie cat and her name c:. Her behavior is mostly inspired by my own cat (who is currently munching on my hair and licking my shoulder xD), so Gnocchi is going to be a weird cute kitty, just like mine! 
> 
> I wanted a lighthearted chapter, after the last few ones. They're all still dealing with their issues, but at least, they were able to take a quick break and forget about it a little c:. Sometimes, it's good to just step back and allow yourself to breathe a little, until you're ready to talk.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! Thanks again for your support :D !
> 
> Don't hesitate to let me know what you think of Gnocchi (and her name xD)! You can comment, leave a kudos if you feel like it and subscribe to the story and/or this series. Don't feel too shy, I'm always happy to get to read your comments, short or long c:. 
> 
> Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 21st chapter of this fanfic! I hope you'll like it c:. Thank you for your support and your kind words, it really helped c:. I burned my leg pretty badly this morning with my coffee, so being able to focus on something else than the pain at the moment helped slightly x). 
> 
> With that said, here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for ableism  
> TW for infantilization  
> TW for mention of homophobia
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

It had taken some persuading to get Eddie to go to the Autism Association today. Not that Richie was particularly fond of the place, but he knew that his partner wanted to see his new friend, Tate, and, as for now, they didn’t really have any other way to make that happen. But Eddie was feeling guilty about leaving Gnocchi on her own, even if it was just for a few hours.

Richie smiled at the thought. Eddie really got attached to their new pet. The first thing he was doing in the morning, once his routine accomplished, was always to fill her bowls and cuddle with her if she wasn’t plunging her head in her food.

Richie was pretty sure that his boyfriend started to develop new ways of stimming, running his fingers through her fur, and nuzzling his face against her round body. Of course, Richie already took pictures, because he needed to immortalize how cute his boyfriend was. Gnocchi? Oh yeah, absolutely, she was cute too. But Eddie!

When Richie mentioned Tate, Eddie had clearly hesitated, looking at their cat, then at Richie, unable to make up his mind. He could see that his boyfriend was considering bringing Gnocchi with him, and Richie had to burst his bubble and let him know that it was not possible. In the end, he chose to leave their flat, if only to check on his new friend and make sure that he was okay.

To be honest, Richie wasn’t really looking forward to going back. He didn’t like how things were handled there or how they talked to people like Eddie or Tate, who weren’t able to communicate verbally easily. The guy running the place, Mr. Ripsom, told them that they would leave them alone, but Richie wasn’t entirely convinced. If that therapist wanted to treat Eddie poorly, Richie doubted a simple warning would suffice.

Unfortunately, it was their only link with Tate, Eddie’s new friend. It wasn’t like they could call him and organize something, it wasn’t that easy. Richie wasn’t sure he had a phone he could use, which they should probably ask him. And they probably will have to get acquainted with his sister first, before being able to see him otherwise. Richie hoped that she wasn’t like Sonia. If she was, he doubted that Eddie would be able to maintain his friendship with Tate so easily…

Richie let out a sigh, and Eddie turned his face towards him at the sound, raising an eyebrow and letting out a curious whine. Richie smiled reassuringly, patting his head:

“It’s okay. I’m just thinking about Tate and his sister. I hope she’ll be a decent person.”

Eddie nodded, caressing mindlessly the cardboard box containing his precious chessboard. As promised, he remembered to bring it, so that he would be able to play with Tate. Richie hoped that he would make a worthy opponent, he wasn’t himself able to match Eddie’s skills, too easily distracted to focus on a game like that. And that Eddie wouldn’t be too much of a sore loser if he didn’t win against his friend…

“ _You think she’s okay?”_

Richie needed a few seconds to realize that Eddie was talking about Gnocchi. He chuckled, touched by his boyfriend’s deep attachment to their pet:

“Of course, she’s gonna be okay. She has her toys and everything. Besides, Mike is supposed to come home early, so she’s not going to stay alone for too long. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”

Eddie shrugged, but Richie could see that he wasn’t quite relaxed. He thought about it for a minute, before suggesting with a smile:

“Would you feel better if I asked Mike to send us a text when he’s home? That way, you’ll know for sure that Gnocchi is okay. Mike loves that cat as much as you, if there’s anything wrong, he’ll take care of that in no time.”

“ _What could go wrong?”_

Oops, bad choice of words. Richie shook his head, admonishing himself for bringing that up and worry Eddie even more. He had to be more careful about those things, dammit! Putting another smile on his lips, Richie did his best to reassure his overbearing boyfriend, who seemed ready to jump out of the car and run back to their flat:

“Nothing, it’s just my Trashmouth talking. Gnocchi has her food, her water, her toys, her soft cushion, and she can wander around how it pleases her. I’ll ask Mike to text us when he’s home, alright?”

Eddie nodded, but he wasn’t tranquilized like Richie hoped he would be. Biting his bottom lip, Richie focused back on the road, while Eddie was rocking slowly on his seat and closing his fists over his thumbs, the stim he was trying to do whenever he was getting too anxious. And it was his fucking fault… Why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut for once? 

“So… you’re happy to see Tate again, right?”

Eddie seemed eager to talk about his new friend, and it managed to distract him a bit from his negative thoughts, fortunately. He whined happily, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Of course! We’re going to play chess, and I have tons of stuff to talk about with him! I hope he’ll be happy to see me too.”_

“I’m sure he’s eager to see you as well. I don’t think he has a lot of close friends. Not at the association anyway.”

Eddie nodded thoughtfully, looking away before he typed on the lightwriter:

“ _I don’t really like this association.”_

“Me neither, Eds. We’ll see if you can find a way for you to see Tate otherwise, alright? We just have to get on his sister’s good side, I presume.”

Richie was going to tone down the jokes and try to be as courteous as possible. If this woman was a decent person and he ended up putting his foot in his mouth and ruin everything, Richie would never be able to forgive himself. He didn’t want to be the cause why Eddie might not be able to see the only autistic friend he made after all those years. To be honest, Richie wasn’t quite sure how Eddie would react if that was the case, but he wouldn’t blame him for being angry…

So, yeah, Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier was going to be careful with his words, for Eddie’s sake. He wasn’t going to take that away from him, even if he could feel this tinge of jealousy coming back, listening to Eddie who was back to gushing about Tate and how impatient he was to see him. 

Richie reminded himself that he wasn’t inherently bad for having those thoughts, as long as he wasn’t acting on them, just like Mike told him before. He wouldn’t sabotage everything on purpose, just to keep Eddie to himself. That would be awful. Richie wasn’t that kind of person, that type of boyfriend.

Today, the weather was good enough for the association to meet outside, in a park close to their building, so that they’d be able to come back pretty quickly if needed. Once they arrived, Richie took a few steps, stretching his body, looking back at Eddie and smiling at his eagerness. He could barely stay still, bouncing on his feet, humming under his breath. Gnocchi was definitely forgotten at the moment, poor little cat…

Richie noticed Mr. Ripsom and went to salute the man, who seemed quite enthusiastic to see them back. Eddie kept looking around, trying to spot Tate, failing to do so at the moment:

“Hi, Richie, Eddie! It’s a pleasure to see you back! I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

He glanced at the therapist, Mrs. Grady, who was handling her little group, keeping them at bay and preventing them from wandering too far away. Richie could clearly see that most of them were dying to run around and have some fun, but that neither the therapist nor their family allowed them to do so. He didn’t get it. It was supposed their moment, where they could all forget about their daily life and interact with people who’d get them. So why keep them restricted like that?

Because it wasn’t so much for the autistic people as for their family. Richie could see some moms talking, not giving a fuck about their sons or daughters, who definitely didn’t have fun right now. As long as the family was satisfied, then it was all that mattered, right? Richie was already starting to feel angry, and they barely got here…

Mr. Ripsom noticed his behavior and sighed, crossing his arms:

“Look, I get it. I don’t really like it either. But if I said something, then it’s very likely that those families would just not come anymore. And that wouldn’t help anyone.”

Richie was about to add something when Mr. Ripsom’s daughter, Betty, intervened, running towards Eddie who took a step back, clearly startled:

“Hi, you! Follow me, there’s an ant colony nearby, you have to see that!”

Eddie glanced at Richie, unsure of how he was supposed to act. He was definitely not ready for this kind of interaction, expecting to see Tate and spending a quiet and pleasant time with him. But his friend wasn’t around, and Betty wanted to show him something and…

“Hey, Eds. It’s up to you, nothing is forcing you to do anything.” Richie caressed his cheek gently, helping him to focus back on reality and not on the anxious thoughts that were crossing his mind. “If you want to go with Betty, I can look around and see if Tate’s already there. I’ll let you know if it’s the case, and if he’s not yet arrived, I’ll join you anyway. What do you think?”

Eddie hesitated for a moment, looking at Richie, Betty, and her father, before he finally trusted his boyfriend with his chessboard, telling him to join them quickly. Richie could see that it wasn’t an easy thing for him to do, following someone he didn’t know to do something he probably didn’t care much about. But Eddie decided to do it, and Richie wasn’t going to stop him. He watched over him while Eddie followed Betty, the woman definitely enthusiastic that he accepted her offer.

“She already asked three people before, and Eddie’s the first to agree. He really made her day.” Her father smiled, looking at them for a moment, before turning back to Richie. “So, you’re looking for Tate, right?”

“Yeah. Eddie was looking forward to seeing him again. Is he there already?”

Richie didn’t know what they would do if, for some reason, Tate hadn’t been able to come to this meeting. No doubt that Eddie would feel really hurt. If he came here in the first place, it was only to see his new friend… Fortunately, Mr. Ripsom didn’t have any bad news to share.

“Yes, he arrived with his sister earlier. They’re usually hanging out at the same spots when we’re outside, so they shouldn’t be too hard to find.”

Mr. Ripsom gave him a quick rundown of the places Richie should go to look for them, and he thanked him before doing so. He took this opportunity to familiarize himself with the park and the other members of the association. If he could afford to be honest without risking Eddie and himself to be permanently banned from any future meeting, Richie would definitely clarify how much he disliked what was going on there.

It reminded him of Eddie, right when he got back in his life. Quiet hands. Barely daring to make a move without being explicitly allowed to do so. Feeling ashamed every time his autism was getting clearly noticeable, trying to hide his traits, repress his stimming… Richie felt nauseous at the thought.

He was clearly reassured to know how far they came, the self-confidence Eddie managed to build despite everything. He knew that he was worthy of love, of affection, and that he didn’t have to act differently to get it all. His stimming, meltdowns, and the way he communicated, none of that would ever make him less. Richie loved everything about Eddie and particularly his stimming, which he definitely found endearing.

Looking back, he saw him bouncing on the ball of his feet, while Betty was probably explaining him in excruciating details everything about the ant colony she found. Richie wasn’t sure he cared much about it, but he probably loved the fact that Betty picked him to show him something she was so passionate about. Richie smiled at the thought, before focusing back on his mission: finding Tate and his sister.

It didn’t take him too long to notice them, sitting under the shade of a tree. He recognized Tate first, fidgeting with a metal coil, curled up close to his sister, who was currently talking out loud, seemingly not expecting an answer from him. Okay, so at least, she wasn’t trying to stop him from stimming or anything like that… Good thing, Richie guessed.

Taking a deep breath, he joined them, clearing his throat to get their attention. The woman glared at him with a suspicious look, instinctively reaching for her brother’s hand. Tate raised his head, and he recognized Richie, glancing behind him, visibly trying to see if Eddie was around:

“Eddie’s with Betty right now. I’ll get him immediately.”

Tate stopped fiddling with his metal coil, grabbing his sister’s sleeve and repeating a few times the same word:

“Eddie!”

Richie couldn’t help but smile, while Tate’s sister visibly relaxed, getting up and adjusting her clothes. He introduced himself to her, holding out his hand for her to shake:

“I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce myself properly. I’m Richie Tozier. My… My friend, Eddie Kaspbrak, he met Tate last time he came here.”

Richie turned his face towards Tate, addressing him directly:

“He’s really looking forward to seeing you. He even brought his chessboard, as promised!”

Tate let out a happy sound, and it was clear that he was dying to run to his new friend. Richie didn’t want him to wait any longer, and he offered them to follow him, while he was looking for Eddie. All the while, he kept giving quick glances at Tate’s sister, who was keeping a watchful eye on her brother. She noticed his behavior, raising an eyebrow, and Richie chuckled awkwardly:

“Sorry, uh, I’m just a bit nervous. I know Eddie’s really eager to see Tate back, and I don’t want to mess it up.”

The woman politely smiled, holding her brother’s hand:

“It’s alright. Tate is delighted too, so I’m not going to complain. It’s not often that he’s so enthusiastic, coming here. He never felt included.”

Richie couldn’t blame him, given that the therapist that was handling their group treated them as if they were all five years old. Just because he couldn’t talk didn’t mean that Tate couldn’t understand how demeaning it was. And he probably didn’t appreciate either that his behavior was analyzed continuously, as if they had to get rid of every little thing that wasn’t “appropriate”, according to Mrs. Grady’s arbitrary standards.

“So, Eddie’s your friend, right? It’s pretty rare around here to see people who aren’t family, social workers or therapists.”

Yeah, Richie doubted that any of the neurotypicals around had the same type of relationship with their autistic folks as the one he shared with Eddie. He wasn’t going to correct her, though, he himself decided to introduce Eddie as his friend. He didn’t know how they were treating homosexuality around here, and he didn’t want to risk any issues, especially if they started to think that Eddie didn’t have the “right” mind to be in that kind of relationships. Richie really didn’t want to have this debate, not again…

“Yeah, he’s also my roommate. We’re living in Bangor with another friend.”

“I’ve heard of it. Pretty nice town, quiet. A good place to live in.”

She was looking at him intently, as if she was trying to read his mind. Richie wasn’t sure he liked it very much, but he couldn’t blame her. He was basically trying to do the same thing, ensuring that she was safe to hang around for Eddie. If she loved Tate as much as he loved Eddie, they probably shared the same concerns…

“Oh, by the way, you didn’t tell me your name.”

The woman was about to introduce herself when Tate noticed Eddie and let go of his sister’s hand, running to his friend. The smile on Eddie’s face warmed Richie’s heart, and he buried the slight jealousy he started to feel, focusing on a positive outlook. Eddie was happy, it was all that mattered. They were both excited to see each other, but Betty wasn’t quite done with her lecture, and she got them to calm down, finishing her little speech. Richie chuckled, noticing that Eddie was dying to get away and to properly greet his friend. Seeing Mr. Ripsom nearby, Richie called him for help, and the man managed to convince his daughter to let Eddie and Tate go, taking their place and listening attentively to her infodump.

Eddie and Tate joined them back, Eddie typing quickly on his lightwriter to communicate, while Tate was mostly using one-word sentences or nodding. But more than what they were discussing, it was their body language that let Richie know how at ease they were with each other. Eddie was moving in ways he rarely saw him do so, flapping his hands around, hopping here and there, not caring at all that people could notice his traits.

Richie hoped that he would feel one day comfortable enough to act like that with him. He didn’t like how, sometimes, Eddie would blush when he thought that he was stimming “too much” and that Richie was either annoyed or repulsed by his behavior. He wasn’t, and he’ll tell him as much as needed, not stopping until Eddie understood it once and for all.

“I’ve never seen Tate like that.”

The woman was clearly shocked, looking at her brother as if she was seeing him for the first time. Richie couldn’t tell if it was a good or a bad thing for her and was about to ask her to clarify, wanting to make sure that she could be trusted around Eddie, when she added, her eyes watering slightly:

“He never had a friend before. I… I’m really happy.”

So, it was a good thing. Richie smiled, opening his arms when he noticed that Eddie definitely wanted to hug him. He hugged him back, basking in the sensation, feeling how joyful his boyfriend currently was, almost vibrating. Just a few minutes more and Eddie would start purring, Richie was sure of that. Eddie detached himself from Richie before that, typing on his lightwriter and pointing at a table nearby:

“ _I’m going to play chess with Tate there! Can I get my board back?”_

“Sure, Eds.” Richie reached for the box in his bag, giving it to Eddie. “Come on, go crush him, killer.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, but Richie was pretty sure that he was decided to win. But given the few things Richie saw of Tate, he doubted it would be an easy match. He wanted to ask Eddie if he wished him to be a referee for their game, but Eddie was already long gone, focusing on his chessboard and his new friend. Tate’s sister was already about to join them, but Richie held her back gently, pointing Tate and Eddie with his index finger:

“I think they have some catching up to do. Maybe we should leave them alone?”

She visibly disagreed with Richie, dying to go back to her brother:

“We’re always spending those meetings together. I just want to make sure that he’s okay, I…!”

“He’s fine. Look, he’s not far, he’s having fun with Eddie, nothing’s wrong.” Richie could definitely recognize his own overbearing tendencies in her, and it wasn’t something he wanted to encourage. “I think it would be a good time to get to know each other, right?”

Tate’s sister glanced at her brother and Eddie, then at Richie, visibly hesitating, before she finally relented, letting out a long sigh:

“Alright. But if anything seems wrong, I’ll go to him.”

“Sure. I’d do the same for Eddie. He’s… He’s my best friend, after all.” Richie hated lying like that, but he didn’t have much of a choice for now. “So… Let’s start again.”

He held out his hand to her, a friendly smile on his lips:

“Richie Tozier. I’m Eddie’s friend and roommate. Nice to meet you.”

She gave a quick look to her brother, seemingly reassured that he was just playing with Eddie, before shaking Richie’s hand and finally answering:

“Myra Atkinson. I’m a nurse. I had a shift during the last meeting, and I couldn’t stay, unfortunately. So, I’m happy Tate had a friend to keep him company.”

“Trust me, Eddie’s happy too. He kept talking to me about Tate, and he couldn’t wait to see him again. It’s the first time he has the opportunity to befriend another autistic person.”

Myra nodded. She kept glancing back at Tate, unable to calm her anxiety. Richie wondered what kind of life they led, for her to be so nervous about her brother. He wasn’t sure how to talk to her about that, it was probably a delicate subject… An awkward silence took place, and Richie cleared his throat, failing to find a topic for small talk. Come on, how could he be so quiet right now? For fuck’s sake…

“Eddie Kaspbrak, right? Tate only mentioned his first name when he talked about him, so I didn’t think...”

Myra seemed to struggle to express her thoughts, and Richie, at the moment, didn’t want to intervene. He wanted to make sure that she didn’t have anything bad to say about his boyfriend… If she started to praise Sonia, he…

“It’s awful. What happened to him, it’s awful. He wasn’t like that before, right?”

Richie didn’t appreciate the way she said those words: “like that”. Eddie was Eddie, regardless of the way he communicated or acted. He was the man Richie loved, the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, no matter what.

“No, Eddie was acting differently when I first met him. But I’m glad he’s with me, and he’s happy, so it’s all that matters.”

“Oh, of course, I wasn’t trying to…! I didn’t mean… I just...”

Myra sighed, playing nervously with her hair:

“I don’t know how I would have reacted if… if Tate had been treated like that. I saw the documentary, Eddie… It was just awful.”

Richie nodded. He couldn’t think back to this movie without feeling nauseous, shivering at the memory of it. The way they talked about him, how they treated him, what they did to him… Richie took a deep breath, doing his best to chase those thoughts from his mind. He never wanted to remember that. How horrible it was. But Eddie had it worse: he actually survived that. He experienced all of that, for five whole years. That he was able to laugh and enjoy his life as he was doing it right now, it was a fucking miracle. No, more than that. It was a testament to how strong Eddie was. And Richie was so freaking proud of him, at every minute, every second.

“It doesn’t define him. What happened, what they did to him… It doesn’t define him. Eddie… Eddie is freaking awesome, and I’m so proud to be his b… his best friend.”

Richie chuckled awkwardly, massing his neck:

“If anything, I guess I should feel humbled that he thinks of me like that too.”

Myra laughed, but she didn’t try to convince him otherwise. Did she think that he was just joking? Or did she agree with him? Richie wasn’t sure of that. He was now pretty convinced that he’d never be Myra’s best friend, but she seemed decent enough to trust her around Eddie. He hoped so, anyway. But he’d make sure of that before. Eddie had suffered enough, he didn’t need to go through another bullshit cycle of pain.

They spent the rest of the time making small talk, getting acquainted with each other. Richie learned that Myra was living alone with her brother, their parents out of the picture for unknown reasons as of now. When he tried to ask her about that, she brushed him off, and he didn’t insist. Given the kind of mother Eddie had, Richie had no doubt that Tate and Myra must have a complicated family background as well…

She was a nurse, and, outside of her work, her life pretty much revolved around Tate. She didn’t have many friends, only coworkers she would see from time to time, which was probably why she was having a hard time socializing with Richie. If she wasn’t used to people, aside from her brother, he couldn’t blame her for being a bit harsh and clumsy… Who knew, maybe she’d warm up to him, and they could get along? He doubted she’d be as good of a friend as Liz, but he was willing to give her a chance.

Richie heard Eddie whining, and he focused back on him. He seemed upset, although from where he was standing, Richie couldn’t know for sure if he really was. Getting up from his spot, he joined him, quickly followed by Myra, who seemed relieved to be close to her brother again:

“What’s up, Eds? Something’s bothering you?”

Eddie pointed at his chessboard, while Tate was grimacing happily, visibly satisfied by the outcome. Richie looked at the game, not quite understanding, and Eddie rolled his eyes, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Stalemate! It’s a stalemate! None of us is winning!”_

Richie couldn’t stop himself from chuckling at Eddie’s frown, patting his head:

“Well, at least, you didn’t lose, right?”

Eddie pouted at his words, answering quickly while Myra was looking at his device, clearly interested:

“ _I should have won, but I put my chess piece there, and I didn’t realize that I would cause a stalemate! It’s the worst.”_

His device’s robotic voice was definitely not expressing his frustration enough, so Eddie was compensating, whining, frowning, and moving all around. Meanwhile, Tate seemed rather content with the end of their game, pointing at the chessboard and articulating out loud:

“Stalemate!”

Myra was clearly bewildered. Richie guessed that she didn’t know a single thing about chess, so he proceeded to explain to her what happened. Eddie couldn’t play his king without putting it in danger, but as of now, he was not in check, which meant that he couldn’t move. The game was over, because there were no other options left. And it visibly frustrated Eddie highly.

He wanted another match, but time passed by, and they couldn’t throw themselves in a second game at the moment. Everyone started to leave, and Richie and Eddie had to go back to their home as well. Eddie pouted, but he didn’t insist, merely saying goodbye to Tate and asking for a return match the next time they would see each other.

Myra and Tate were about to leave, but Richie stopped them before, writing down their address and phone numbers quickly on a paper and giving it to Myra:

“Here. Call us whenever you want. Eddie doesn’t like it much here, so if they could see each other otherwise, I think it would be for the best.”

Myra took the paper, reading it attentively before putting it in her wallet. She handed Richie the same kind of note, and he kept it preciously. No doubt that Eddie would want to see his friend again real soon…

She glanced at them, then at her brother, before she shook Richie’s hand:

“Thank you for this afternoon. I’ll let you know whenever we’re available.”

She smiled at Eddie, before adding with a soft voice:

“I’m glad Tate has a friend. I’ll look forward to seeing you again, Eddie.”

Eddie nodded, typing a quick “ _Me too_ ” on his lightwriter, even though he hadn’t interacted much with her at the moment. Richie started to think that she might not like him very much, but as long as she was treating Eddie correctly, he could deal with it. Richie was used to that kind of treatment.

Right before Richie turned on the engine, Eddie suddenly remembered why he had been so hesitant to come, and he whined worriedly:

“Chi!”

Before he started to get too anxious, Richie grabbed his phone, showing him Mike’s text informing them that everything was okay and that he was spoiling Gnocchi.

“She’s fine, I told you. Everything’s okay.”

Eddie nodded, relieved, and immediately launched himself into another rant, talking about Tate and wondering when he’ll see him next time.

Richie listened to him attentively, keeping to himself the few doubts he had regarding Myra. Maybe she didn’t like him, so what? As long as Eddie could see his friend and that she was treating him fine, the rest didn’t matter. It didn’t matter. Richie buried the bad feeling that started to take over his mind, focusing on his partner’s joy and happiness. Everything was fine. Everything was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Don't get too angry against me xD? I had planned since Tate's creation that his sister would be Myra, I wonder if some of you guessed it already? So, yeah, Richie has a bad feeling and he's not entirely wrong, but who knows what might happen x). 
> 
> At least, Eddie got to see Tate back and he had a nice time with it! And now, they'll be able to see each other more easily c:. As for Myra... Well, I won't say much on the topic, I'd be interested to know what you think about her as of now and what you think will happen c:. 
> 
> So, don't hesitate to let me know about that in the comments! You can also leave a kudos and/or subscribe if you feel like it c:. 
> 
> Thanks again for your support! Have a nice day and see you soon!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Welcome to the 22nd chapter of this fanfic c:. I struggled a bit to focus on my writing, my leg kept hurting during the day, but I finally did it and I'm pretty satisfied with it c:. 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it! Thank you all for your continued support!
> 
> Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of ableism
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading c:.

Eddie mindlessly caressed Gnocchi, the cat purring under his soft touch. As for now, she was the only other living presence in the apartment, aside from Eddie himself.

Mike was at the library, doing his job as usual, and Richie… Well, Richie had been called back by the pub he applied to previously, and it was now his second day working as a bartender. From what he had been telling them, Richie actually liked his job and was clearly eyeing the open-mic stage there, thinking about some material he could try one day or another.

Eddie was happy for his partner, of course. How could he not be? Richie was doing something he liked, his skills were appreciated, and he already enjoyed spending time with his coworkers and boss. Eddie was pretty sure he'd also find satisfaction in performing for a crowd, even as modest as this one. But Richie being at the pub meant that he wasn't here, and Eddie was missing him.

He spent his first day with Went and Maggie, Richie's parents coming to the flat to keep him company, make sure that he was okay, catching up on a few things. Eddie appreciated it, but he couldn't expect them to come every day. They had their own lives to get back to, and, as much as he liked spending time with his surrogate parents, he still needed to have his own space. Even though that space definitely needed some filling.

Oh, Eddie had been able to find some stuff to do at first, for sure. He cleaned their whole flat thoroughly, making sure there wasn't a speck of dust left, whining plaintively when he noticed how much fur Gnocchi was losing. Well, at least, that would keep him busy every day or so, cleaning their cat's mess…

Satisfied with his work, Eddie then decided to cook some biscuits, so that Richie and Mike would be able to enjoy them once they'd be home. He was trying to follow the recipe diligently in the book they borrowed previously at the library, but he still managed to mess it up a little. The biscuits weren't aesthetically pleasing to look at, but at least, they tasted good, so he didn't fail his attempt entirely…

There was a time where it would have been enough for Eddie to have a meltdown, thinking that he was the worst for making that mistake and that Richie and Mike would hate him for it. But Eddie learned to stray away from that mindset and appreciating the things he managed to accomplish, rather than those he didn't. The taste was still good, so his partner and his friend would surely appreciate what he did.

All of that kept him busy for a while, but now, Eddie didn't know what to do anymore. He had turned on the T.V., then off, realizing that it wasn't really as funny as watching it with his roommates and hearing Richie pulling off all of those Voices he was so fond of. Playing on Richie's console? Eh. Eddie gave it a try for a few minutes, then he got stuck at some part and gave up, grumbling all the while.

Thankfully, he had Gnocchi with him. Very affectionate, their cat loved being curled up on Eddie's knees, enjoying his fingers running gently through her fur. The motion and the feeling helped to keep Eddie relaxed, despite how bored he started to feel. What could he do? He thought about calling Tate, but decided against it. It was very likely that he would get his sister on the phone instead, and Eddie didn't know her enough to feel confident to talk to her like that.

Besides, he was pretty sure Richie would rather be present if he were to see Tate and his sister outside of the association, for the first time. Maybe it was his boyfriend being slightly overbearing, but Eddie didn't mind. He understood where his worry was coming from, and he knew that, if everything went well and Myra was to be trusted, Richie would agree to take a step back whenever Eddie wanted to go visit Tate on his own.

With all that said, Eddie still didn't know how to keep himself busy. Lying down on the couch, he had grabbed a comic book and was currently reading it, but his mind was entirely elsewhere. He couldn't stop thinking about Richie, wondering if he was doing okay. Maybe Richie was thinking about him too? Eddie chuckled at the thought, blushing slightly. Putting down the comic book, he called out Gnocchi audibly, the cat starting progressively to answer to his whines as well as her full name.

She left her spot, coming close to his face, and started to lick his cheek. Eddie squealed, getting used to the feeling of the scratchy tongue against his skin. When it began to get too much for him, he gently pushed her away, but not before kissing her on the top of her head as well.

Gnocchi didn't seem to mind, trying to give him a few more licks before finally stopping and curling up on his chest again. She was slightly heavy, providing a pressure on Eddie's body that he very much appreciated. Maybe he should ask Richie to lie down on him from time to time? Would that be a weird thing to ask?

Eddie gave a quick look at his watch, sighing afterward. Mike should be home in two hours or so, and Richie might stay a little longer than he was supposed to do, to give a hand to his coworkers. Eddie was sure that he would text him to warn him if necessary, but as of now, he didn't quite know when Richie would be back home. Despite Gnocchi's much-needed presence, Eddie still felt alone. And he wasn't used to this fact.

Even before returning to Derry with the Toziers, Eddie was rarely left to his own devices. He had his mother or his therapist, making sure that he was obedient and compliant, controlling every aspect of his life. After that, he had always been with Richie and his family, rarely if ever left alone. The flat seemed so quiet, without Mike or Richie around. Eddie wasn't sure he liked this feeling. No, in fact, he hated it.

Grumbling, he got up, letting out an apologetic whine when Gnocchi fell on the ground after his sudden move. He started to pace around, wondering what he could do. The flat was clean, he had already baked some biscuits, he didn't have the energy or the concentration needed to prepare a full meal, and he couldn't get himself to focus on any of his books.

Eddie eyed the entrance door, and a thought suddenly came to his mind. Maybe he could… go out? After all, he already did it on his own once. Granted, he didn't go far, and he didn't stay away for long either, but he still managed to do it. Should he give it another try? But where could he go?

Maybe it didn't matter. Perhaps it was more about the journey than its destination. Eddie would get to know what it was like outside, without someone near him to guide him. It was definitely an adventure, and, as much as the idea seemed stressful, it also was endearing to think about.

Besides, Richie and Mike would be proud of him if he managed to do it. Richie would probably be reassured, knowing that Eddie could handle that on his own and didn't have to rely on him so much for that kind of thing… Okay, Eddie had made his decision! Going out, it is!

As determined as he was, Eddie still struggled to tie his shoelaces, more than usual. His fingers were shaking, while he was trying to keep his anxiety at bay. Everything would be fine. He was just going out for a walk, not much more. Eddie was going to stay nearby, make sure that he always knew where he was, and he would definitely not talk to people unprompted. He should be just fine. So, why was he still so anxious, despite knowing all of that?

His shoes tied, Eddie went back quickly to his room, grabbing his teddy bear and hugging it tightly to give himself courage. He then put it in his backpack, as well as his whiteboard (if he found himself unable to use his lightwriter at some point). Eddie felt slightly ridiculous and a bit self-conscious, but he couldn't deny that his stress got lighter, knowing that his comfort object was there, in his bag.

Leaving a quick note to inform Mike and Richie that he would come back later, Eddie put his hand on the doorknob, took a deep breath to calm himself down, and turned it. Opening the door, it reminded him of the day Richie convinced him to leave his mother's house without her permission for the first time. How scared he was to take this first step and how exhilarating it had been afterward, breaking this freaking rule, disobeying his mom deliberately.

Eddie tried his best not to think about what happened after all of that, already feeling the dreadful anxiety creeping back in his mind. He shook his head and, whining softly at Gnocchi as if to say goodbye to her, finally left his flat. Fidgeting nervously with his bag's straps, Eddie went down the stairs and exited the building, taking a deep breath when the slightly cold hair hit his face.

The world around him was so full of life, it was almost overwhelming. Eddie stayed still for a while, swaying slightly on his feet, watching people and cars passing by. He cringed, hearing the ruckus caused by a noisy bike, putting his hands briefly over his ears. But soon enough, he managed to get used to the world around him, choosing a direction randomly and strolling without knowing where he was going.

He couldn't quite believe what he was doing at the moment. So many years ago, Eddie thought it would never happen. His mother reminded him repeatedly that the world was a dangerous place, full of diseases, and that someone as fragile as he was couldn't possibly survive on his own out there. Bad people would try to hurt him. His frail body would catch all sorts of bugs and nasty illnesses, until Eddie would finally meet the same deadly fate as his father.

Her warnings had been enough to haunt Eddie, plaguing his nights with terrifying nightmares, wondering how everyone else could manage to live in such a scary place. And yet, here he was, currently walking in this not so frightening world, taking his first steps all alone, without anyone else to rely on.

No one was trying to "get him". In fact, most people didn't care about him, although he still got a look here and there, probably due to his scarred face. It was a bit noisy, sure, but nothing that Eddie couldn't handle. And he was pretty sure that he wasn't going to get sick from his little walk. Eddie chuckled to himself, appreciating his newfound freedom.

Noticing a park nearby, Eddie decided to go there and check it out. He waited to be able to cross the road, careful not to be run over. Visibly, some people weren't as cautious as he was, running across the street, when cars could have easily hit them. Eddie gasped while witnessing this scene, putting his hands over his ears reflexively, as if it could help him or those careless people in any way. Fortunately, the worst didn't happen, and Eddie managed to relax, his heart beating slightly too fast.

Why were people so reckless? They just had to wait a few minutes to be able to cross, was it too much to ask of them? Eddie grumbled at the thought, crossing the road when he was supposed to, cursing those idiots that managed to stress him out in one stupid move. Thankfully, he managed to forget his little scare quite easily, exploring the park on his own, enjoying the sights.

His ears picked up on a few discussions here and there, enjoying those little snippets of different lives that he got to hear. He also noticed birds and wondered if Stan would have been happy to hang out here with him. Maybe next time, when they would see each other again? The last time, Eddie hadn't been really able to spend time all alone with his friend, and he regretted it.

Sure, it was fun to get to see everyone, even though he kinda ruined it afterward with his drinking and his regression episode, Bill and Audra's ongoing conflict not helping either, but Eddie wished he would have had more time with all of them, a quiet time. Eddie regretted that it was so hard to see his friends, but what could he do about it? They all had their own lives, far away from here. At least, Eddie had Richie and Mike.

Well, not at the moment… Eddie sighed heavily at the thought. Even though he liked being outside and enjoying some fresh air, he knew that he would appreciate it even more if he wasn't alone. If Richie was here, holding his hand tightly, telling him all sorts of ridiculous jokes, while Mike followed them, shaking his head with a laugh at his friend's antics, talking to Eddie about the latest book he read.

But they had their jobs, and Eddie knew that he couldn't expect them to be with him at any given time. It was good for him to be on his own, to get to do some stuff all alone. He was pretty sure that Dr. Park would be thrilled to know that he took this chance, despite how anxious it made him feel in the first place. Still… It was a bit boring. And quiet, despite the noise around. Not hearing Richie or Mike's voice, it really changed everything.

A curious, yet delightful perfume in the air managed to distract Eddie from his thoughts. He sniffed the smell, wondering where it was coming from, before he finally noticed the stand that it originated from. The stuff they were selling there… Oh, it looked so delicious! Churros, that's what those pastries were called. Eddie never tasted it before, and he really, really wanted to!

Getting closer to the stand, the sight was enough to make his mouth water, as if he hadn't eaten at all those last few days. The seller glanced at him, raising an eyebrow at his scar and the way Eddie had been unable to stop himself from cooing, his gluttony manifesting itself quite noisily. Using his lightwriter, Eddie managed to ask for five of those churros, copying the previous customer's order.

Waiting for it to be prepared, Eddie realized how unhealthy it probably was, but he quickly shoved this thought away, focusing on the incredible smell that was invading his senses. Oh, Eddie couldn't wait anymore! Once they were prepared, he quickly grabbed the bag and ran away to a nearby bench, not noticing the seller's bewildered look.

He sat there, kicking his legs excitedly, and got his first taste of the fried pastry. Hot, hot, hot! But so good. Oh, so fucking good! Eddie flapped his free hand, unable to contain his happiness any longer. He definitely had to come back here with Richie, if only to taste those wonderful snacks again! Soon enough, he managed to calm down and appreciate quietly the pastries he bought.

All those things he missed, because he was supposedly too fragile to handle them… Eddie couldn't believe how dull his life had previously been, in so many ways. He couldn't watch most of the movies he currently adored because they were "too violent" or "immoral" or whatever. He would never have been allowed to play video games because that would hurt his eyes and give him bad ideas. And the food… Everything was so bland, tasteless, because Eddie supposedly couldn't handle rich dishes.

But it wasn't the case. His mother lied to him all those years, so that he would remain under her thumb. And when Eddie found out that he wasn't sick, she used his autism as a mean to achieve her goal in another way. If she couldn't control him with his physical health, then she would use his disability, even though she didn't want to acknowledge it previously. 

Eddie cringed at the thought, taking a break in his tasting. He could feel himself shaking slightly, remembering the abuse he had been forced to handle all this time. Exhaling deeply, Eddie focused on his breathing, doing some of the exercises Dr. Park taught him during their sessions, managing to relax progressively. Okay. He was okay. She couldn't hurt him anymore. He was free, and he was having a good time at the park, eating churros, enjoying the fresh air and the beautiful weather.

Everything was fine. Eddie exhaled deeply once again, before he was finally able to take another bite of his churros, whining happily. His mother wouldn't ruin his joy, Eddie wouldn't let her or her memory do that! She didn't have that power over him anymore… Not now, not ever. Eddie was stronger than her. Stronger than the scared boy he used to be. He was an adult, living his best life, and his mother couldn't take that away from him. She couldn't.

Eating his last churro, Eddie knew that he probably wouldn't be able to share a full meal with Richie and Mike this evening. He felt a bit guilty at the thought, but thinking back to the delicious taste he got to enjoy, Eddie quickly forgot any negative feeling he could hold about the matter. Wiping his face and his hands, he got up from his bench, going for a little walk in the park to digest it all. He was feeling full, and he was pretty sure that if he were to stay seated for too long, he would start napping on the spot. Better to walk it off. 

Walking on his own, Eddie was able to appreciate so many things that he barely noticed when he was focusing on Richie or Mike. The smells, the sights, the various noises… He couldn't believe how extraordinary this world was, compared to what he was used to. All those things he missed… But if Eddie made an effort to look at it all from a positive angle, then it meant that he had so much to discover, now that he was free to do so! 

Maybe he could go hiking, camping, swimming in water deeper than the quarry… He definitely wanted to travel, see more of this world, outside of Derry or Bangor. But he didn't want to do that all alone. Despite his previous anxiety, Eddie definitely appreciated this time on his own, but doing all of those things without Richie or Mike… It was too much for now. And he wasn't sure it would be fun either.

He was sure that his boyfriend and his friend would love to experience those things with him. After all, they already went to Disney World together, and it was still one of the best moments Eddie had the chance to enjoy. Maybe Mike or Richie already had some projects of their own that they'd like to realize? Eddie would have to ask them about that. Of course, they'd have to make sure that Gnocchi was properly cared for. No way Eddie would leave her on her own for so long!

While he was pondering on those thoughts, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out, reading the text sent by Mike:

_Just came home. Everything's okay?_

Eddie smiled, reading those quick words. Mike didn't seem overly worried that he decided to leave their flat unprompted. He trusted him, and Eddie definitely appreciated it. Humming happily, he typed an answer quickly, telling him that he was in the park and that he would be home soon. Mike sent another text, and Eddie raised an eyebrow at his offer:

_What would you say if I joined you and we'd check on Richie at his work, see if he's okay?_

Eddie hesitated. He definitely liked the idea, but he didn't want to seem too overbearing or to stress out Richie uselessly. What if he messed up because of them and got fired? Eddie remembered clearly the last time he came to Richie's workplace and… well, it didn't go well, to say the least. Grimacing, he sent a quick text, making his worry clear:

_You're sure it's a good idea? I don't want to bother Richie or to burden him at his workplace._

Mike rapidly told him that Richie would be happy to see him and that he shouldn't worry too much. Eddie finally agreed, walking to the park's entrance to wait for Mike to arrive. He was quick to join him, waving enthusiastically:

"Hey, Eddie! Happy to see you out there, I was wondering when you'd start to go out again. Everything's okay?"

Eddie nodded happily and, following Mike to Richie's workplace, proceeded to tell him all about his experience, the delightful churros he got to taste for the first time, how happy he felt, despite how anxious he previously was at the thought of going out. Mike listened to him attentively, smiling widely at his enthusiasm.

"I'm glad that you had a nice afternoon. Bangor is a pretty cool town to hang around, right?"

Eddie definitely agreed with Mike. It wasn't like Derry at all. Here, Eddie wasn't scared to cross Bowers or his gang's path. Most people didn't know him, so he didn't have to fear a journalist jumping him or some random person talking to him out of nowhere, usually with a condescending tone. He could just spend some time alone with his thoughts, enjoying the world around him.

"Maybe you could find some activity to do around here, while we're at work. A club or something. Or maybe you could try to jog? Who knows, maybe you'll appreciate it. You could borrow Richie's tape player and run around for a while."

Eddie never really had the opportunity to practice any kind of sport. Back when he was at school, his mother convinced him and pretty much everyone else that his pretend asthma and frail condition were enough to prevent him from taking part in P.E., forcing him to stay on the side and work on his homework while everyone else was running, playing football or what else. And after that, she kept him close and never let him do much of his day, aside from his therapeutic exercises. 

Maybe it would do him some good. Eddie was pondering on this thought when Mike gently nudged him, letting him know that they arrived at Richie's workplace. Right before Eddie entered, Mike stopped him, saying out loud:

"Wait, I don't even know if we're allowed to enter!"

Eddie raised an eyebrow, confused. Then he remembered that he wasn't 21 yet, as well as Mike. Maybe they couldn't even take a single step in this place… Eddie whined at the thought, wondering what they should do. He didn't want to cause Richie any issues, but on the other hand, he really wanted to see him, and they were here, so…

Before the anxiety started to kick in, Richie noticed them through the establishment's window and joined them, taking out the trash as well. He tried to salute them, but Eddie instantly jumped in his arms, hugging him tightly. Taken aback, Richie needed a few seconds before being able to return the hug, patting Eddie on the head:

"Hey, Eddie Spaghetti. You're okay? I missed you too."

Eddie whined, but he didn't make a move to answer otherwise, because it would mean that he had to take one of his arms away from Richie, and he didn't want to. God, he missed him! He really missed him! 

Mike chuckled awkwardly, answering to Richie's question while massaging his neck:

"Well, I offered to Eddie to come here and see how you were doing, but I don't even know if we're legally allowed to be here, so..."

Richie laughed at their predicament, caressing Eddie's hair gently and winking at him:

"Listen, my tiny koala. I'm gonna see with my boss if it's okay for you both to hang around here and, if that's the case, then you'll be able to see me in action. If not, you can wait for me at home, I shouldn't be too long. Alright?"

Eddie nodded, but he still had a hard time letting go of Richie. Maybe he took his absence worse than he thought? Sucking on his fingers nervously, he waited for his boyfriend to come back, reassured to see the smile on his face.

"Sam says it's okay, as long as you're not drinking any alcohol. So, let's keep it P.G. and stick to fruit juice and such, alright?"

"Fine by me. Eddie?"

Eddie grimaced at the thought of drinking yet again, Mike and Richie laughing at his disgusted face. He didn't even need to use his lightwriter for them to know his answer right away. Richie led them to the counter, offering them to sit on a stool. Not many people around at this hour of the day, mostly regulars. 

"It's more crowded later, so it's good that you're there now. It can get super noisy at times."

Richie immediately took care of their order, bringing their glasses to Eddie and Mike. Taking a sip of his strawberry juice, Eddie glanced at Richie while he was working. He really seemed at ease here… He always had a friendly word or a funny joke for the customers, and he was running all around, never tiring, always ready to help. 

"So, you're Richie's friends, right?"

Eddie jumped, startled, and almost fell from his stool. Mike kept him upright, while the woman who addressed them apologized, after a quick laugh:

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you off. I'm Samantha, I'm the owner of this bar."

She gave a quick look at Richie, who was currently making a fool of himself to entertain a visibly depressed regular:

"That kid is a wonder. Everyone already loves him here. Is he always so energized?"

"Yes, always. Sometimes, it can be hard to keep up."

Sam nodded at Mike's answer, a soft smile on her lips:

"I can definitely see it. So, satisfied with your service, boys? Should I get you something else?"

"No, no, my drink is enough. Eddie?"

Eddie took a quick sip, hesitating on his next action. Should he just nod and pretend that he wasn't talkative, or should he use his device? If she started to react badly, Richie might try to defend him, and he could lose his job over it… But if he didn't talk at all, she might think that he was rude, and he didn't want her to believe that either. He bit his bottom lip, reaching tentatively for his lightwriter and typing:

" _I'm_ _fine too. Thank you."_

Sam was definitely surprised, Eddie could tell. For a moment, she seemed stunned, looking at him with a look that he couldn't quite decipher, and that was honestly making him feel anxious. After a while, she managed to put a smile on her face, albeit slightly awkward, telling him with an amused voice:

"Well, you gotta tell me where you got that device. I can definitely use that kind of thing when I'm too tired to tell a groping customer to fuck off."

Eddie was about to answer something, but a regular called her, and Sam was already gone back to work. She wasn't at ease with him, but at least, she didn't talk to him like a kid or tried to avoid him altogether. It wasn't such a bad start… Eddie sipped on his glass, jumping slightly when he felt a hand on his back. Richie was there, asking with a concerned voice:

"Are you okay, Eds? She didn't say anything bad, right? You can tell me if that's the case, you know."

Eddie appreciated Richie's concern, but he didn't have to worry. He was doing okay. And even if she had been mean towards him, he would have handled it all alone. He wasn't the Eddie he used to be. He could deal with that kind of thing now.

" _It's_ _okay. I think she's a bit awkward about it, but otherwise, it's fine. She seems nice."_

"She definitely is. I think I'm going to have a good experience here."

Richie smiled widely, ruffling his boyfriend's hair, patting Mike's shoulder, before he went back to what he was doing, cleaning the empty tables thoroughly. Eddie could clearly see how serious and invested he was. He chuckled when he realized that Richie was more thorough in his cleaning than in their own flat, sharing this thought with Mike:

"Probably because he's not paid to clean. Maybe you could offer him some kind of reward?"

" _A reward, you say?"_

Eddie smiled sleazily, and Mike sighed, shaking his head:

"I wasn't thinking about… Nevermind. I don't want to hear about it, alright?"

Eddie pouted, as if he definitely intended to share every detail of his fantasies with Mike, which he didn't. He never had this kind of conversation with his friend, and he was okay with that. It was way better to talk about that with Richie directly and witness his reaction, after all. With Mike, it would be… He didn't even know. Eddie couldn't picture himself talking about sex with Mike. He wasn't sure why, it would just be… awkward.

Admiring his partner's work, Eddie finished his glass, and Mike suggested that they went home, so that they wouldn't distract Richie any longer. Eddie waved at him, rolling his eyes and laughing when Richie pulled out a tissue and dramatically waved it back at him, pretending to cry. He never stopped…

It took them a few minutes to get home. Once they arrived, Eddie immediately grabbed Gnocchi, nuzzling his face against her fur, cooing happily. He missed her too… But he didn't regret going out on his own. Nothing bad happened. He had a really good time, and he even got to try some new, delicious food. He was also able to visit Richie at his workplace, making sure that everything was okay.

Eddie was now definitely sure that his mother had been wrong all along. The world out there… It was beautiful. And he couldn't wait to see more of it! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of this chapter c:! Eddie went out on his own for a while and nothing went wrong. I really wanted him to have a nice experience and confirm that the world wasn't out to get him, contrary to what his mother tried to convince him to believe. 
> 
> He even got to see Richie at his workplace c:.
> 
> Meanwhile, Mike is such an asexual mood in this chapter. I'm still baffled by how much alloromantics love to talk about sex and hint at it. I can't spend a day at work without hearing about it in some way.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to let me know what you thought about it c:. I'd love to read your words!
> 
> You can comment and/or leave a kudos if you feel like it c:. You can also subscribe to this story or the series if you want to!
> 
> Have a nice day, take care c:.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 23rd chapter of this fanfic!
> 
> ... It's probably a cursed chapter xD. I wrote seven pages of it, and then my software suddenly crashed and, for the first time ever, it didn't keep what I wrote, at all. So, I had to start it all again and it basically took me all of my late afternoon and evening T_T. I wanted to cry, but I was able to push through it and I managed to write it.
> 
> I hope you'll like it! Thank you all for your kind support. Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for sexual content  
> TW for mention of homophobia  
> TW for internalized homophobia
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something c:. Good reading!

Richie grabbed the mic, clearing his throat. He tapped on it nervously, cringing at the sound it produced. Yep, it was definitely working. Taking a deep breath, he found himself unable to think of a single joke to make. 

Come on, it wasn't so hard! Richie was never out of words or ideas, so why couldn't he think of something to say at the moment?

The few jokes that came to his mind were, at best, mediocre. He couldn't even form the beginning of a sentence without feeling completely ridiculous. He chuckled nervously, attempting to introduce himself:

"Uh, hello, everyone! My name is Richie "Trashmouth" Tozier, I… hem..."

As he tended to do when he couldn't figure out what to say, Richie resorted to one of his Voices. For some reason, Olive Oyl came to his mind, and he started to mimic her, until someone interrupted him:

"I didn't know we were stuck in the thirties, Richie."

Richie jumped, startled, and almost dropped the mic, fumbling to keep it in his hands. He put it back on its stand, attempting to apologize to his amused boss:

"I'm sorry, Sam. I promise I finished my tasks, I was just…!"

"Don't worry, I can see that. Thank you, Richie, the bar is squeaky clean!"

She winked, inviting him to sit at the edge of the stage with her. Richie agreed to do so, shaking his legs nervously, while Samantha tried to calm him down:

"For all it's worth, I think your imitation was pretty good. But I'm not sure it's really relevant to our crowd here, you know?"

Richie chuckled awkwardly. He took off his glasses, cleaning them carelessly with his shirt. Eddie would scream if he saw him do so. He was adamant about the fact that Richie needed to take care properly of his belongings, especially his glasses. How could he see how much Eddie was cute if they were too dirty to allow him to do so?

Putting them back on, he let out a sigh, admitting with an embarrassed voice:

"Yeah, I guess. I just… I wanted to give it a try, see how it feels to be up there, talking to a crowd. There was no one around, and I could barely get a word out. It's pathetic."

Samantha shook her head, putting a supportive hand on Richie's shoulder:

"It's not. I just think you're trying too hard. You don't have to give a perfect performance, you know? It doesn't exist, anyway. Especially for a first-time performer. You can't truly expect to go up there and to be the best stand-up comedian ever witnessed when you never have performed before."

Richie grimaced at her words. She wasn't wrong, he couldn't imagine himself messing a single joke. If he did, if the audience remained silent and unresponsive, he would… Richie shivered. The simple thought was enough to twist his gusts and make him want to puke his last meal. Richie focused on his breathing, trying to make the anxiety go away.

"You're probably going to mess up some stuff whenever you're gonna give it a try, and that's okay, Richie. It's up to you to turn your mistakes into something else. You can always tease your crowd, joke about yourself, a bit of self-deprecating humor never hurt anyone. Not too much, though. You don't want to be a downer."

Richie could easily imagine it, the way he would start to pour his self-hatred on stage, making everyone here feel uneasy as shit. Yeah, that was definitely something he needed to keep under control. After all, he was trying to make people laugh, not the opposite. He sighed, curling up slightly on himself:

"I don't even know what I'm supposed to joke about. My friend, Mike, he suggested that I should talk about my life…"

"He's not wrong, most stand-up comedians do so, after all."

Richie shrugged, adding with a sad smile:

"That's the issue, actually. When I think about my life, I can't find much I could joke about. It's not… I don't think it would be very funny, you see?"

Samantha nodded, a sympathetic grimace on her face. Richie figured that she might be thinking about Eddie, given their short meeting, and she couldn't be more wrong. Sure, it wasn't always easy. Eddie's meltdowns were terrifying to witness and, no doubt, even more awful to experience. Richie would give anything he had to help Eddie out of his regressive episodes and his night terrors, but it wasn't that simple.

Although, Eddie's nightmares were definitely less violent and frequent. The work he was doing with Dr. Park really helped, even if his progress was slow. Richie could never thank enough Eddie's therapist for everything she did. And Eddie's efforts had to be acknowledged as well. If he didn't put all of his energy into his recovery, he would never have gotten so far…

Richie wasn't able to imagine himself joking about that. After everything they had to face… How could he? And he didn't mention yet his internalized homophobia and what it implied for him during all of those years and even now. How was he supposed to make that sound funny and relatable? It seemed impossible...

"You don't necessarily have to tell the whole truth. Reality is usually pretty boring, but if you pick it apart and only keep the interesting bits..."

"So, you're saying I should lie?"

Richie wasn't entirely averse to this idea, but there were some things he would definitely not lie about. Not after spending so many years hiding the person that he was. Not when he was trying to accept who he was and love himself, despite the unpleasant voices in his head telling him otherwise. But maybe he could apply Samantha's pieces of advice in some way…

Shaking his legs, Richie thought back to his past, trying to find an event he could use in a potential skit. He then suggested, an awkward smile on his lips:

"I guess I could try that. I had a childhood bully. The guy was a fucking asshole. When I was 13 or something, he told me that I was a fag and that I was masturbating myself to our substitute English teacher. I offered him to give me a hand, and he punched my face. He hadn't been as handy as I hoped he would be."

Samantha looked at him for a few seconds, before laughing nervously. He didn't let her know that it was precisely what happened and that Bowers wasn't too far off in his insult. Younger Richie definitely palmed himself a few times, thinking about that man... He cringed at the thought, chasing it away as quickly as he could.

Meanwhile, Samantha played with her hair, thinking about his attempt at a joke, letting him know with a smile:

"Well, it definitely needs some refining, but this kind of stuff, it could work."

She got up from the stage, glancing at him with a gentle expression on her face:

"I think you have potential, Richie. You're funny, and people like listening to you. You just need to work on your material and to cut yourself some slack. You don't have to be the next Eddie Murphy. Just try to be Richie Tozier. I think it'll be more than enough."

Richie wasn't sure it was the case, but he kept his mouth shut. The less he expressed his self-deprecating thoughts, the more he was able to ignore them. Voicing them gave them power. That's what Dr. Norton told him, anyway. And he wasn't wrong. Richie always felt awful whenever he admitted this kind of thing out loud. Instead, he left the stage as well, joining Samantha:

"Hey, Sam, if… if I offered you to read my stuff, you'd be okay with it? You don't have to, I just..."

Samantha cut him off, grinning widely:

"Of course, Richie. I think it would be best if you performed it first for me, though, whenever you'll feel ready. A good comedian can make a boring text sounds very funny. You could also ask your friends' opinion. I bet they'd be happy to help you."

Richie grimaced at the thought. What if they didn't like his jokes? What if Eddie and Mike just stared at him with a blank face, not even smiling, while he was trying to perform? Eddie would be so disappointed in him. Richie bit his bottom lip at the thought, doing his best to chase it away. It was his self-doubt talking, nothing else. Eddie would never hate him because he failed a skit… Right?

Richie sighed. He was definitely not ready to go on stage as of now, anyway. Not without risking puking on the spot, unable to say a single word. That would definitely not make for a good show…

*

Richie stretched his gangly limbs, massaging his shoulders. He worked pretty hard this morning. Thankfully, since he took up an early shift, helping to clean the mess from the special event the day before, he was free for the rest of the day and could spend his whole afternoon with Eddie. His boyfriend had been overjoyed when he heard the news.

Richie didn't doubt that it might be a bit long, those days all alone in their flat. Eddie never complained, but it was definitely something they needed to talk about. If they could find something for him to do… or maybe someone to see… Tate and Myra came to his mind, but he wasn't quite ready to trust them with Eddie on his own, as of now. He wanted to see them outside of the association, how Myra would behave, how she would act towards Eddie. The last thing he wished was for his boyfriend to be hurt again, after everything he went through…

When Richie came home, he was greeted with a tight hug, his face covered with kisses. He chuckled, ruffling his boyfriend's hair:

"Well, I think my cute horny bunny definitely missed me, right?"

Eddie groaned at the nickname, typing quickly on his lightwriter before going back to hugging Richie, as if he hadn't seen him in years:

" _I'm_ _not a cute horny bunny. Stop with that!"_

"Alright, you're not a bunny, Eds. You're my cute kitten, though. And you're definitely horny, don't even try to lie about it!"

" _I'm_ _not!"_

Richie laughed at his boyfriend's pouty face, kissing the top of his forehead.

"I missed you too, Eds. I'm glad we have this whole afternoon just for us."

Eddie nodded, nuzzling his face against Richie's chest. Seemingly satisfied with their hug, he detached himself from his boyfriend, grabbing Richie's hand and leading him to the kitchen. Eddie made him sit on his usual chair, pushing on his shoulders for him to do so.

"Bossy, much? I like it."

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly, his cheeks slightly pink. Serving their dishes, he then waited for Richie's unavoidable reaction, knowing exactly what he would say:

"Spaghetti from my Eddie Spaghetti! You're the best."

" _Don't_ _tease me. It was easy to cook, and I could hog your PS1 all morning that way."_

Richie chuckled at his words, looking at him with enamored eyes:

"I'm not teasing. Thank you for this meal, Eds. I'm so fucking hungry!"

" _Then, eat."_

Eddie took his first bite, and Richie did the same, chuckling about how matter-of-fact his boyfriend could sometimes be. Swallowing what he had in his mouth, Richie asked Eddie, a genuinely interested expression on his face:

"Did you have a good morning, Eddie? What did you do?"

Eddie wiped his fingers, before he started to type on his lightwriter:

" _I wanted to go out, but I overslept. So, instead, I followed my routine, gave plenty of hugs to Gnocchi, and, like I said, I played on your PS1."_

Richie did his best to conceal how suddenly emotional he was. The fact that Eddie could casually tell him that he slept too much, without apologizing for it, without feeling like he was the worst, without claiming that he was "bad" for that… It didn't seem like much, but it was definitely a step forward. One of the many he accomplished during his recovery process.

But he knew that he wasn't supposed to make a show out of Eddie's every little progress. That didn't mean that he wasn't proud of him. And Richie was definitely going to show him how much he admired him, once they'll be done with their meal.

Clearing his throat, Richie corrected his boyfriend's words, a cheeky smile on his lips:

"It's our PS1, Eds, I told you already."

Eddie shook his head, insisting vehemently:

" _It's_ _your birthday gift, so it's yours."_

"Well, since it's my birthday gift, I'm allowed to say who it belongs to. And I decided that it would be ours, your console and Mike's as well as mine."

Eddie groaned, sticking his tongue out at Richie as an answer. Richie grinned, warning him cheekily:

"Careful with that tongue, Eddie. I might be tempted to capture it if I see you pulling it out again..."

Richie knew exactly which buttons to press to cause Eddie to react. As he guessed it, his boyfriend stuck his tongue out at him once again. Proving that he was definitely not all barks and no bite, Richie got up, getting closer to Eddie. Putting his index finger under his chin, he raised his face slowly towards him, appreciating the blush on his partner's face:

"I warned you, Eddie."

" _No, it's gross, we're eating!"_

Richie got closer to Eddie's face, but he merely put his lips on his boyfriend's cheeks, sparing him for the moment. He knew that he had made the right choice not pushing the joke too far, because Eddie looked definitely relieved.

"Alright, no french kisses for now. But once we're done eating, you're gonna get your punishment, Eddie Spaghetti."

He definitely seemed to look forward to it. Eddie rocked slightly on his chair, typing on his lightwriter with his infamous puppy eyes:

" _Can we brush our teeth first?"_

Richie pretended to consider it for a while, as if he would ever say no to Eddie when it came to that kind of thing. He knew that it was important for him and, if he could tease him about that sometimes, Richie would never try to gross him out on purpose:

"My, my, so many requests, my liege. But fine, I'll allow it. Eating our plate, brushing our teeth, and then..."

Richie licked his lips seductively. He must have failed at it pretty badly, because Eddie snorted, hiding his face behind his hands. His boyfriend was always so freaking cute… Richie was definitely under his spell. They started to eat again, when Eddie broke their comforting silence, smiling softly:

" _I wanted to start jogging today, but I think I'll do it tomorrow morning. If I like it, I could maybe build a new routine around it."_

"I think that would be a good idea. Who knows, I might be convinced to follow you sometimes, if you wear your sexy shorts. Not always, but you know… Sometimes. Maybe. Perhaps. Eventually."

Eddie chuckled, finishing what he had in his plate before typing on his lightwriter:

" _They're not sexy shorts, they're just shorts."_

"You're fully aware that every piece of clothing that you wear is automatically sexy to my eyes, right, Eddie?"

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly, before he puckered his lips slightly, probably trying to copy Richie's seductive expression (and being just as ridiculous as Richie was when he pulled that face):

" _And if I wear absolutely nothing?"_

Richie gulped at the thought, taking a deep breath. Well, he definitely loved that idea, no lie about it.

"You're always sexy, Eddie. Even more when you're going commando. But you gotta stop teasing Richie Jr., or I might not be able to finish this meal and wait patiently before jumping on you."

" _And I'm the horny bunny? Really?"_

Eddie pretended to be offended, but he quickly found himself laughing, and Richie did the same. They were both hopeless, definitely… Finishing their lunch, Eddie then cleared the table, Richie getting up to help him. They knew wordlessly what they had to do, Eddie rinsing their plates, Richie drying them up and putting them back where they belonged.

"You know, I could actually be into it. You, wearing nothing but your sexy, little shorts."

Eddie raised an eyebrow at his words, looking visibly confused:

" _Nothing? When you say nothing, you mean nothing? Nothing nothing?"_

"Yep! Nothing, nothing. Just the feeling of your dick and your balls against the fabric of your shorts."

Eddie snorted again, unable to resist Richie's immature and dirty jokes. He rolled his eyes once again, washing and wiping his hands thoroughly:

" _You're_ _always so romantic."_

"I know, right? But, seriously… We have the entire afternoon just for us. Can I have the pleasure of admiring my Eddie Spaghetti in his tight and sexy shorts? Please?"

Eddie sighed, grabbing Richie's hand to lead him to the bathroom:

" _It's_ _disgusting, putting on these shorts without an underwear."_

"Well, you'll just have to wash them afterward, right? What's wrong with that?"

Richie wasn't as good as Eddie when it came to using his puppy eyes, but he was trying his hardest. Eddie looked at him for a while, before turning his face away and grumbling, typing on his lightwriter:

" _First, let's brush our teeth. I'll think about it in the meantime."_

Richie grinned happily, and Eddie signed quickly, his cheeks red:

_It's not a yes!_

"I know, I know..."

Richie brushed his teeth thoroughly, gazing lovingly at his boyfriend. He definitely was under his spell, because whatever Eddie was doing, Richie found him to be the cutest ever. Even now, while he was spitting his mouthwash, Richie was still looking at him with literal heart eyes. Once they were done, Richie was about to follow Eddie to their bedroom, but Eddie pushed him back, typing quickly:

" _I'll_ _open this door when I'm ready!"_

Richie didn't protest. A knowing smile on his lips, he waited patiently for Eddie to let him enter. And he was definitely not disappointed when he did. Just as Richie suggested, his boyfriend was wearing nothing but his shortest shorts. Their red color and the way they showcased Eddie's not-so-private parts were the embodiment of the sin of Lust. Richie gulped, his whole body overheating at this simple sight.

He got even more excited when he noticed that Eddie put on the "fun times sheets" on their bed. So, he definitely intended for them to get naughty! Richie caressed his boyfriend's flushed face, telling him with an enamored voice:

"My horny bunny..."

Richie kissed him, tapping on Eddie's cheek for him to part his lips. It was always so natural, the way he readied his boyfriend for what was to come, respecting Eddie's sensitivity issues, making sure that nothing would trouble him while they were having their fun. Eddie started to moan, and Richie immediately noticed the way his partner started to rub his crotch against his leg, as if he couldn't wait anymore:

"God, you're so hot, Eds! Slow down, or you're going to jizz in your shorts."

Richie glanced at Eddie's aroused face, the way he didn't stop despite what he just said, how he started to keen eagerly… Richie felt his own dick hardening at the thought that crossed his mind, and he whispered to Eddie's ear:

"Don't tell me you want that to happen, Eddie?"

Eddie moaned noisily, grabbing his partner's arms to remain steady, while Richie couldn't believe what was happening right before his eyes. Eddie, his squeaky clean Eddie, who insisted on them to brush their teeth before they kissed, who always kept their flat so neatly ordered… His Eddie Spaghetti, the one and only, really wanted to ejaculate in his own shorts?

"You're so dirty, Eds. So, so dirty."

Weirdly enough, Richie's words seemed to excite him even more. Before it was too late, Richie put his hands under Eddie's legs, raising him up and telling him before Eddie started to protest:

"Let's get you in a more comfortable position, alright?"

Eddie nodded, gazing at Richie with a feverish look. God, his Eddie Spaghetti was so, so naughty… Right when Richie was about to lie down, allowing Eddie to ride him freely, a tiny meow interrupted them. They both looked at each other, their lips slowly turning into a smile, a laugh escaping their throat. Richie got up, grabbing Gnocchi gently:

"Come on, kitty cat, we'll play with you afterward. I swear."

He put her outside of their room, closing the door on her. Richie took off his clothes, while Gnocchi was meowing and pawing against the door, begging to be let in. Eddie was in tears, clearly less in the mood than he originally was, and Richie smiled apologetically:

"I hadn't planned that. Still want to get dirty, Eds?"

Eddie nodded, patting on the mattress for Richie to lie down.

" _More than ever. We'll just have to scream louder to cover her meowing."_

"Jesus Christ, Eds!"

Richie hurried up, taking off every single piece of clothing before joining Eddie on the bed. He laid down, and his boyfriend immediately started to ride him, getting quickly back to the lustful horny Eddie that he was until then. Richie couldn't help the little whine that came out of his mouth when Eddie began to rub his crotch against him, gently at first, then more and more passionately. Eddie's overexcited demeanor, the soft tissue brushing his own parts, how naughty this new game of theirs felt… It was enough to arouse Richie to no end.

Resting on his elbows, he started to help Eddie, moving slightly against him, whispering nonsense words full of love to him. Eddie was getting noisier and noisier, effectively covering up Gnocchi's incessant meowing, and he finally came in a final scream, Richie admiring how beautiful he was in his afterglow.

He was about to help Eddie out of his clothes, but Eddie pushed his hand away, shaking his head:

" _It's_ _awful, I like it. I want to stay dirty while I suck your dick."_

"Eds, you're gonna be the death of me."

Eddie chuckled, stopping to ride Richie to put his face between his legs. Richie took a deep breath, getting ready for the feelings and sensations that would soon consume him. And he wasn't disappointed. Digging his fingers in their "fun times sheets", Richie let out a weak moan, while Eddie was teasing him with his tongue. More, he wanted more!

"Eds… Please..."

Eddie stopped touching him, raising his head and looking at him with this seemingly innocent face, as if he genuinely didn't know what Richie wanted of him. But the way he smiled, how he licked his lips… He definitely knew it, this fucker! His adorable fuck-bunny…

"Eddie, don't stop, please..."

Richie begged him helplessly, and, fortunately, Eddie heard his prayers, quickly going back to what he was doing. Richie wiggled on the bed, his hips thrusting despite himself, until he couldn't take it anymore. He came into Eddie's mouth in a shout, and his boyfriend did what he could to swallow it all. He was unsuccessful and found himself coughing slightly, covering their "fun times sheets" with suspicious stains.

They rested in this awkward position for a moment, until Eddie started to whine and to waggle slightly. Richie straightened up, looking at his boyfriend with a loving gaze, caressing his sweaty face tenderly:

"Shower?"

Eddie nodded, cringing at the feeling of his dirty shorts against his skin. Back to the Eds Richie was definitely familiar with… Helping him up, Richie got his boyfriend to the bathroom, before going back to their room and cleaning it as quickly as possible. He carefully eyed at Gnocchi, hoping that she wouldn't start to play with his dangling dick…

"It's not a toy, and it's definitely sensitive, Gnocchi."

Thankfully, she didn't seem interested, and Richie's private parts were saved from a potential violent clawing. When he joined Eddie, his boyfriend had already taken off his shorts, glaring at them with a clearly disgusted face that put a smile on Richie's lips:

"You asked for it, Eddie."

" _I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. It's so gross."_

Richie kissed him on the cheek, booping his nose with his index finger:

"I told you that you liked it gross before. I wasn't wrong."

Eddie groaned, pushing Richie in their shower cabin, turning on the hot water. He sighed, feeling relieved. Richie's smile grew bigger at the sight, taking care of his adorable boyfriend, ensuring that he was clean and felt better after what they did. Eddie rested his head against his chest while he was doing so, whining happily.

"I love you, Eddie."

Eddie attempted to moan his name as an answer, unable to say more at the moment, and Richie knew that he was thinking the same. Once they were done, they followed through on Richie's promise and spent the rest of the afternoon spoiling Gnocchi, taking care of their loving cat, who had been the unwilling witness of their sexual games.

"Better not to tell Mike. He'd say that we corrupted her."

Eddie laughed at his joke, and Richie felt his heart swelling at the sound. When he thought about it, it didn't matter if he wasn't the next Eddie Murphy… As long as he was able to make his boyfriend laugh, it would be more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Well, it wasn't supposed to turn out like that in my first draft xD. I don't know where that came from, I guess our horny bunny Eddie took over me for the end of this chapter xD. It feels so weird to write this type of thing as an asexual writer, but it's an interesting experience nonetheless. 
> 
> Richie's dealing with his self-doubt and needs to gain more confidence to be able to get on stage and perform. But he's decided to do it, he just needs a bit of time to write his text and feel confident enough c:. 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to let me know. After writing this chapter twice, I could definitely use your supportive words xD. Of course, you can also be critical if you didn't like it c:. You can also leave a kudos and/or subscribe to this story and the series!
> 
> Thank you for your support and your attention! Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 24th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you'll like it! Well, the previous one wasn't very commented on, but I guess it might happen sometimes xD. I just hope you're all doing okay c:. 
> 
> My leg is getting better, but it's still hurting from times to times, so it's nice to be able to think about something else, writing this chapter c:. 
> 
> Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for slutshaming  
> TW for mention of ableism  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of suicide attempt
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

His phone vibrated once again. Mike was dying to answer it, but he was currently working and couldn’t take a break for now. It was the third time already this afternoon. At some point, he gave it a quick look, wanting to make sure that it wasn’t from Richie or Eddie. If it was, he would have to answer it, because he couldn’t risk missing a call for help. What if Eddie was in trouble? What if Richie was having a panic attack, and Eddie couldn’t help him?

But the name on his phone… It wasn’t Richie nor Eddie. It was Bill. Of course, Mike was itching to answer, because… come on, it was Bill. But not while he was working. And, if he was completely honest, Mike was probably being a bit petty. After all, Bill had been less than agreeable the last time he saw him, and he never called afterward, even to make sure that Eddie was okay. The others did, but not him.

So, Bill could definitely wait for Mike to end his shift. Even though he was struggling against his own will to resist the need to pick it up. If Bill could only think about himself or his girlfriend, then he should expect Mike to have other priorities in his life as well. And his job was undoubtedly one of them. Mike didn’t want to leave his colleagues when they had so many patrons to handle, and he was not going to hide in the bathroom for a quick call. Mostly if it was to hear Bill gushing over his girlfriend or a new book deal or whatever.

Despite his determination, Mike was still glancing too often at the clock, waiting for the moment where they’d close the library, and he’d be able to call him back. His phone vibrated, and Mike let out a long sigh, focusing on his task to stop himself from giving in. He wasn’t at Bill’s disposal. His friend was definitely aware that he was working and that he couldn’t really count on his family or an income from his first book deal, unlike  _ someone else.  _ And yet, Bill called him again and again, not caring about this simple fact for a second.

Mike rolled his eyes at the thought, putting one of the books he was holding in his arms right where it belonged. Still… He really, really wanted to answer. It took him all of his willpower not to yield, doing his best to focus on his work or the mindless chit chat he shared with his colleagues while helping them. As soon as he was out of his workplace, Mike sat on the closest bench he could find, calling back Bill.

He couldn’t help but get anxious, while the phone was ringing in his eardrum. Was Bill okay? Why would he call him all of a sudden, when he didn’t even try to reach out to them after Richie’s birthday? And why  _ him,  _ actually? Did he try to call the others first and then resorted to Mike because he couldn’t get any of them on the phone?

His thoughts were swirling in a confusing mess when Bill finally picked up, his voice clearly relieved, although shaking slightly:

“F… Finally! I thought you’d never pick up, I...”

Mike sighed, interrupting his friend and letting him know with a tired voice:

“Bill, I was working. You should know that.”

Bill let out a soft “oh” at his words, remaining silent for a second before he apologized sheepishly:

“I’m sorry, I… I forgot, I… I needed to talk to you.”

Yes, I’m doing perfectly fine, and Eddie’s alright, thanks for asking, Mike thought bitterly. But he didn’t want to rub salt in the wound, not when he could clearly hear that Bill seemed upset. They’d talk about that stuff later.

“What’s going on, Bill?”

“It’s… It’s Audra.”

Of course, it was about Audra. Why wouldn’t it be about her? Mike was suddenly very tempted to hang up, but Bill’s next sentence stopped him from doing so:

“I… I think she wants to dump me. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.”

Mike wasn’t expecting that. He was clearly aware that things were less than stellar when Bill and Audra left, but to this point? Mike massaged his neck, asking with a soft voice, his previous bitterness all but forgotten:

“What makes you say that? Did she tell you that?”

Bill’s breathing was ragged, and Mike guessed that he was struggling not to cry. It was so rare when Bill allowed himself to show his emotions. The last time it happened, it was at Georgie’s grave. It was always about Georgie. But right now, Bill wasn’t holding back his tears because of his little brother, and it was such a weird thing to think of… 

“She… We talked. A lot. I… I don’t think she… I don’t think she loves me anymore.”

A part of Mike wanted to take advantage of the situation, to comfort Bill while making sure that he would get used to the idea of leaving Audra behind. But he wasn’t like that. Mike was better than that. He wasn’t going to use Bill’s vulnerability against him. How could he look at himself in a mirror anymore if he did? 

“What happened? Maybe if you’d talk a bit more...”

“I… We had a fight. Huge. I… I don’t really know how it started, we just… we shouted at each other. It was awful. I… I told her things that I can’t take back and… and she did too. It’s… It’s a mess. And it’s my fault. It’s my fucking fault!”

Mike grimaced, picturing what might have happened. Bill looked calm, but he could have quite a temper when he wanted to. And Audra… Well, judging from what he saw of her, she wasn’t one to pull her punches either. Shaking his leg slightly, Mike tried to calm down Bill, not wanting him to get a panic attack when he was too far to truly reach him and help:

“Take a breath, Bill. It’s gonna be okay. I’m listening, you’re not alone. Tell me everything.”

That’s what Bill needed. Someone who would lend an ear and let him pour his sadness away. And Mike was this someone. He had always been. Bill told him things he never confessed to the others, about himself, about Georgie, about this dreadful day marking his disappearance, then his death. And Mike found the words to comfort him and never shared this secret with anyone else. Bill knew that he could trust him. And that’s why he started to talk so easily, without any hesitation.

Mike listened to him, keeping his feelings about the matter in check. Bill didn’t need him a sermon from him at the moment. But as much as he wished to paint Audra as the sole offender, it was far from being the truth, and Mike knew it.

“Audra… She got a role in some stupid slasher B-movie. She’s supposed to have a sex scene and to be fully naked. I, uh, I told her that I wasn’t comfortable with it. And it just got worse from then. She told me that I wasn’t trusting her, that I’m always policing her behavior, as if she was my pretty doll to show off or something. That I could go fuck myself. I don’t know what came over me, I...”

Bill took a deep breath, finishing his sentence sheepishly:

“I told her that I wasn’t comfortable with… with her acting and dressing like a whore.”

Mike remained silent at his words. If there was something he didn’t expect from Bill, it was definitely this kind of thing. Wiping his forehead with his hand, he let out with a shocked voice, unable to hide his feelings on the subject any longer:

“Wow, Bill. I mean… Wow. It was… That’s low. Really low, Bill.”

“I know, I fucking know! I, I, I didn’t want to say that, I never thought that! But I got pissed off, and I just said the first thing that I knew might get a reaction out of her, and… And I shouldn’t have. I hurt her. I hurt her real bad. I messed up, M-Mike.”

Well, he could definitely say that. To be honest, Mike was still stunned, trying to collect his thoughts. It wasn’t the Bill he knew. The Bill he knew would never say this kind of thing. Especially after what Beverly went through during their school years, all the name-calling and the shaming and everything else. 

“Where is Audra? Is she around?”

“She… uh… She took some of her stuff, and she told me that she wouldn’t be back until tomorrow. That she was going to sleep at Bev’s place and that I shouldn’t try to call her. They… They really hit it off, recently. If… If she told her what I said, Bev’s going to hate me.”

Mike couldn’t really contradict him on this subject. If Bill didn’t apologize properly and make up for his actions, Beverly would definitely hold a grudge against him, after what he told Audra. And Mike wouldn’t fault her for that, even though Bill was his friend. This was one of her hard limits, and they always made sure not to step over that line. But Bill did so.

“I… I think Audra’s definitely going to leave me. I… I’m the worst.”

And, suddenly, Bill cried. He started to sob, and Mike felt his throat closing up. No matter what happened, he couldn’t handle his friend being so despaired. Biting his bottom lip, Mike attempted to comfort him, without lying to him:

“You… You really messed up this time, Bill, but you’re not the worst. Don’t say that. If you really didn’t mean it, then you have to apologize as soon as possible. When she’ll give you the green light to talk to her again. Don’t try to call her, alright? She asked for space, and you shouldn’t try to take it away from her.”

Bill sobbed a little more, and Mike sighed. He adjusted his posture, sitting cross-legged on the bench, asking gently:

“Bill, tell me what happened. I don’t recognize you anymore. You changed so much since we were kids, since Christmas, I… I know there must be a reason.”

Mike was prepared for Bill to be on the fence, as he was during Richie’s birthday, getting upset when Mike questioned his newfound obsession for correcting his speech impediment at all costs. But Bill didn’t. He sniffled, took a deep breath, and started to say with a pitiful voice:

“I’m a co… a coward. I left Derry, I left you all and… and suddenly, I felt weak. Weak and awful. People quickly began to pick on my suh-stutter, mocking what they called my “holier than thou” attitude and… and…”

Bill found himself unable to keep on talking, repeating his last word uselessly as if it would help him. Mike waited patiently for him to find a way to express his thoughts, adding with a soft tone:

“Take the time you need, Bill. It’s okay. I’m listening.”

Sometimes, that’s all that Bill needed: a simple reassurance that he wasn’t being rushed, that he wasn’t going to be interrupted or left hanging either. Mike heard him sob a bit more, taking a few deep breaths, before he was finally able to say:

“I… I’m sorry. I’m… I’m so stupid. I’m the worst.”

Mike shushed him softly, wishing he was close to him to provide him the comfort his friend clearly needed:

“You’re not, Bill. You’re not.”

After a few minutes of reassuring words, Bill managed to get back to what he was previously saying, his voice shaking with sobs:

“I… I wasn’t strong without you. Back in the day, I could… I could just brush it off because I knew that you all didn’t care about it. I knew that you’d be my friends no matter what. But, but, but I had no one there. At first, I… I was just handling it. The snickering, the poor imitations and… and everything else. But I… You were making me strong all along, all of you. Able to ignore their insults and contempt.”

Mike never thought that Bill could be mocked by his peers. Or that he could suffer from it. He should have… He definitely should have. Bill wasn’t some kind of superhuman that nothing could ever hurt, he was human, and he was bound to crack at some point. A thought came to Mike, and he asked him cautiously, hoping not to upset him even more:

“And Audra? She never laughed at you, Bill?”

Mike heard a weird sound coming from his friend, who then answered, as if slightly offended by Mike’s suggestion:

“What? No, she… never. She… She even told off those who d… da… dare to. Well… She did throw at my face that I should go “f-f-fuck” myself during our fight, but I can’t really blame her, and she looked guilty afterw-wuh-ward.”

Mike grimaced once again. It definitely hadn’t been a pretty fight. They both hurt each other badly, and, to be completely honest, Mike couldn’t really see how they might be able to fix their relationship after that. He thought about Richie and Eddie and what would happen if Richie mocked Eddie’s nonverbal communication or his stims, or if Eddie threw Richie’s internalized homophobia at his face… No, he couldn’t even picture it. They would never be that cruel towards each other. They could tease the other too much sometimes, but that… that wouldn’t happen. Mike was sure of that. 

Mike thought that Bill was done with his story, but it didn’t seem to be the case, because he added, with a hint of shame in his voice:

“I had… I had this interview f-for the university’s radio station, when an editor picked my story to publish it. Audra was there too. I was so excited, I… I kept stuttering, and then I… I saw that the host was getting impatient and I… I lost it. I couldn’t say another word. I… I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. They all heard me and I… I even started to cry a little. After that, I… I saw this speech therapist, and I overworked to… to make sure it would never happen again.”

Mike bit his bottom lip, trying to keep his emotions under control. Jesus… Why did he never see what Bill was going through? Why couldn’t he guess that Bill was hiding such a turmoil? Why wasn’t he there for his friend? It was Mike’s turn to feel ashamed, as well as deeply guilty. Bill needed him… And he wasn’t there.

“Audra, she… she told me it was fine. That I was v-very brave this day, but I didn’t feel like it. I… I started to truly see how… how wonderful she was compared to me. Why would she stay with… with a dork like me? The only thing I was good for, it was my w-writing. And even that, I… I can’t even write fucking endings!”

Mike heard a loud noise and guessed that Bill must have punched a wall or a piece of furniture nearby. He attempted to calm him down, telling him gently:

“Bill, it’s your first book. And your ending makes sense, even if people don’t like it. I love your stories, Bill, I always have.”

I love you, he wanted to add, but Mike knew better than to give in to this impulse. Despite their fight, he was pretty sure that Bill was still deeply attached to Audra. And even if it wasn’t the case… Why would he love  _ him _ ?

“But that’s not the point. I… I think I’m getting what you went through. I should have noticed sooner. If I did, maybe...”

Bill interrupted him, sniffling loudly:

“It’s not your fault, Mike. I… I was a shitty friend. I should have trusted you and told you. You… You always told me everything, I… I should have known that you’d understand.”

Bill wasn’t completely right. There were some things that Mike definitely couldn’t tell him, and this thought was enough to twist his gusts. He didn’t even have the courage to let him know that he wasn’t as reliable as Bill thought he was… Pathetic.

“What you said to Audra, the way you acted towards her, you can’t take that back, Bill. But, whatever happens, you’re the one to decide who you want to be, how you want to act. Do you really want to stay the guy who called his girlfriend a whore?”

“I… I didn’t say that she was a w-whore, just that she...”

Mike rolled his eyes, interrupting Bill in his poor attempt to excuse himself:

“You told her that she was acting and dressing like a whore, Bill. Potato, Potahto, if you ask me. It’s definitely not helping your case. Do you really want to be that guy, Bill? Do you also want to be the person who truly thought that seeing a speech therapist was all that Eddie needed?”

Bill stayed silent for a little while, presumably pondering on Mike’s words. He finally answered, his voice definitely laced with shame:

“I really said that about Eddie, aren’t I?”

Mike sighed. At least, he didn’t bring it up to their friend personally. Mike could easily imagine how Eddie would have reacted, slipping back to his old patterns, his internalized ableism kicking in. He didn’t need the reminder, Eddie was clearly aware that the way he expressed himself was definitely not the one society wanted him to use.

“I… You’re right, I was an asshole.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But that’s what I’m getting from your words and… and it’s true! I… I need to think about all of that. I… It’s a lot.”

Mike smiled weakly, putting his hand on his own knee and pressing it nervously, wishing he could touch Bill’s leg instead, show him his support the way Richie showed it to Eddie and vice-versa:

“Try not to obsess over it too much, alright? Take one of those bubble baths that you love so much, watch a crappy movie, play some games, I don’t know… If you have friends you can hang with, you could also go out.”

“I… uh… Most of my friends around are Audra’s. I have Ben and Bev too, but Audra is with them, so...”

Mike grimaced, letting out a soft sigh:

“Okay, I get it. Just… Try to relax, okay? It’s good that you’re thinking about this stuff, but if you’re just spiraling, it’s not gonna help.”

Looking at his watch, Mike frowned, hesitating, before admitting with a hint of regret in his voice:

“Listen, I’m almost out of minutes, my phone plan isn’t that big. I’m gonna have to hang up. Take that bath and do what you can to not obsess too much over it all, okay? If you’re not doing okay, call me, I…. I’ll pick up this time.”

Mike wouldn’t let Bill hanging once again. Not when he knew how vulnerable he was at this moment. After Stan’s suicide attempt, he couldn’t help but worry, wondering if Bill was considering it as well. No, he wouldn’t, right? Not after what they went through, waiting to know if Stan would pull through, how he would feel afterward, if he’d ever been able to recover… He… He wouldn’t.

“Call me, okay? Call me.”

“I… I will. I promise. Mike, I….”

Bill took a deep breath, and Mike waited for his answer, his heart beating slightly too fast:

“Thank you. You’re… You’re my best friend.”

The words hurt, definitely not what Bill intended. Mike cursed himself, trying to fight the tears that wanted to roll on his cheeks… What did he expect? Stupid, stupid!

“A… Anytime, Bill. I… You too.”

He couldn’t even say it out loud. Pathetic. After exchanging a few more words, Mike finally hung up, noticing that he received multiple texts during his long call. Eddie and Richie, wondering where he was, if everything was okay… Mike smiled, reading all of their texts, laughing at Richie’s messy grammar and Eddie’s neat sentences. He didn’t even need their names to guess who texted him, it was so obvious…

But Mike wasn’t feeling fine. And he didn’t want to lie to his friends right now. Pretending that he was okay, hiding Bill’s predicament so that he wouldn’t betray his trust… No, definitely not. He texted them back, pretending that he had been invited by his colleagues to a nearby pub and that he forgot to warn them beforehand. Well, even if he didn’t wish to do so, he still lied to his friends. But not about Bill, not about the way he was feeling. Just… Just enough to be left alone, pondering on his thoughts.

Mike sighed, leaning against the bench, his fist tightening around his phone. Bill’s sobs and confession kept repeating themselves in his mind, again and again. Despite what his friend told him, Mike was convinced that he should have known better. That he should have seen that Bill wasn’t doing as well as he pretended. He noticed in the end, sure, but Bill suffered for a while, and Mike didn’t pick up on it as soon as he should have.

What a lousy friend he made… And he dared to have romantic feelings for Bill? To dream that he would feel the same for him?

“You’re the worst, Mike.”

Mike said that out loud, glancing at the sky, who was getting darker every minute passing by. Not many people around. He was almost completely alone. Alone with his regrets. Alone with the “what if” that invaded his mind. If only he had been there for Bill earlier… He wouldn’t have felt so ashamed of himself. Maybe he would have never dated Audra in the first place, if he could rely on Mike for…

No. No, that was definitely a bad thought. Mike grimaced, realizing what he just pictured. Whatever might happen, he couldn’t have this kind of relationship with Bill. He couldn’t be what Audra had been for him: a way to boost his ego and think that he was worth something only because he dated him. Not that he could ever measure up to Audra, but… but if Mike started to think of himself only as Bill’s moral support, it would go wrong very, very quickly. And he knew it.

“You have it bad. Definitely bad.”

Mike sighed again. He got up, stretching his legs, grimacing painfully after staying in the same position far too long. What could he do? He didn’t want to come home immediately. For what? Putting a fake smile on his face, lying once again to his friends, when they definitely deserved better from him?

No. No, Mike couldn’t do that. Maybe his previous lie could hold some truth to it… Mike eyed a nearby bar, reaching for his wallet and counting the money he had left. That was probably a bad idea, but… but fuck, he needed to get wasted. 

Trying to chase away the guilt and the shame he felt at the idea of drinking all alone, Mike went to the pub he noticed, ordering something strong. Once. Twice. Thrice. He could barely walk in a straight line when he left the bar, waving clumsily at the guy he managed to drunkenly sympathize with throughout the evening. 

While he was trying to remember the way to go back home, his phone vibrated. Mike picked it up, slurring his words:

“ ’t’s Mikey heeeere.”

“Bill again, you… you’re drunk, Mike?”

Mike giggled, putting his free hand against a nearby wall to stay upright:

“Nope. ’Am not drunk. Totally not.”

He heard his friend laughing, and Mike chuckled as well, without really knowing why. His brain felt like it was filled with soft cotton, foggy as hell. He listened to Bill, humming a popular song under his breath all the while:

“Listen, I just wanted to thu-thank you again for your call and… to see if you, Richie, and Eddie would be up to come here soon. But I think I’ll call back tomorrow, I don’t know if you’ll rememb-buh-ber it.”

Mike giggled once again, waddling towards his flat slowly:

“Oh, I’ll deeeefinitely ‘member it. Can’t forget it, ‘cuz it’s you telling me that.”

“That’s flat… flattering. At least, your drunk you is puh-pretty nice.”

“Nah, not nice. ‘Just telling the truth, ‘cuz I love you, dude. I super, super, super lov’you.”

Mike was slurring more and more, stopping on his path to prevent himself from falling down face first. He repeated again to a quiet Bill, moving his hands as if he could see him:

“ ’Love you, dude. Loooooove you.”

After a few seconds, Bill started to laugh, saying with a soft tone:

“Go to bed, Mike. You’re definitely drunk.”

“Not!”

Pouting at Bill’s wildly fake insinuation, Mike hanged up, putting his phone back in his pocket. How dare? He was not drunk! Certainly not!

With some bumps on the road, Mike managed to come home, greeted by Richie and a half-asleep Eddie, who were cuddling on the couch, watching some movie. He immediately went to his room, laying on his bed. Not because Bill told him to, of course, silly! He was just… tired.

Barely taking off his shoes, Mike was quickly asleep. He didn’t notice that Richie came to his room, making sure that he was lying on his side, putting some meds and a glass of water for the next morning. No, Mike was too far gone at this point, dreaming about Bill and himself. Dreaming that he was on the couch and that they were cuddling, just like Richie and Eddie.

Because he loved Bill. He loved him so, so much. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... Mike drunkenly confessed once again, but to Bill's face this time xD. He should probably stay away from alcohol for a while, it makes him too chatty x). 
> 
> It was a pretty interesting chapter to write. I wanted to portray why Bill and Audra would stray away from each other and why he acted the way he did these past chapters. Explaining, but not necessarily excusing, whether it's his words and his attitude towards Audra or the ableist suggestion he made to Mike about Eddie. Bill definitely acted shittily and he needs to get his act together. 
> 
> With that said, I really like his dynamic with Mike. If they ever manage to be in a loving relationship, they definitely need to work on themselves and communicate to set healthy boundaries. 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter c:. Don't hesitate to let me know what you thought about it! You can leave a comment and/or kudos if you feel like it. You can also subscribe to this story and/or series!
> 
> Thank you for your support! Have a nice day, see you soon!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! I'm glad to be Saturday, I really needed some rest x). Thank you all for your support! 
> 
> I hope you'll like this chapter. Here are the Trigger Warnings for this one:
> 
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of ableism
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Eddie exhaled deeply, wiping his sweaty forehead. He didn't think that jogging could get so intense… He could barely breathe, and he felt like his legs were going to give up under him. He didn't run too fast or for so long, but his endurance was on par with the life he had so far: devoid of most physical activities, presumably because he couldn't handle it. As a result, Eddie was quickly tired, and his body wasn't able to sustain much.

He knew that it would get better with time, but still. It was pretty discouraging. Eddie only wanted one thing: go back home, take a long shower, and the biggest nap ever. 

But he still had five minutes to do, so that he'll be able to keep up with the routine he decided to set up. It was something he worked on with his therapist, the last time he saw her. Dr. Park had been really enthusiastic about his idea, supporting him in his effort to go out and busy his days, especially without Richie or Mike around.

Eddie was getting used to it, but it still felt a bit lonely sometimes, despite Gnocchi's helpful presence. He didn't know yet what he could do to keep himself occupied, what kind of activities he could take part in, but jogging was already the first step. It was also good for his health, as long as he didn't overdo it. And remember to hydrate himself regularly. Which he actually did right now, taking a sip of his water bottle, stopping to do so. No time to rest, though. If he stayed still for too long, he wouldn't have the energy to keep running.

His feet were hitting the ground, in a pleasant sound to Eddie's ears. He could have brought Richie's tape player with him, but he didn't feel assured enough to do so for now. Once he'd be more familiar with his surroundings and the path he was following to run, he'd see about that. Come on, Eddie… Only a few more minutes…

When his watch beeped, Eddie slowed down his run, walking for a short moment until he sat on the nearest bench, out of breath, his cheeks red, covered with sweat. He felt disgusting and, yet, good at the same time. Pretty strange feeling. It reminded him of the last time he had sex with Richie… He chuckled at the memory, not caring at all that someone could see him laughing all alone.

Richie was right: he could be so weird sometimes. He didn't really know where that came from, the kinky side he would show sometimes, but as long as Richie didn't mind, then he wasn't going to try to repress it. It felt good, doing this "adult" stuff, allowing himself to execute the wildest things he could think about.

His watch didn't stop beeping. Eddie groaned, fiddling with the buttons to get it to shut up. It felt so long since the last time he heard this kind of sound… It used to dictate his life, reminding him to take his "medication", as if it really helped in any way. Eddie learned to dread this sound and the watch around his wrist, but he was progressively getting over it.

This electronic watch was a gift from Mike, who noticed it while he was buying some groceries. He thought it could be useful, since Eddie wanted to give a try at jogging. Plus, it held to his wrist with a Velcro band, and he loved fidgeting with it, taking great pleasure in the feeling and the sound it created. Unlike his old watch, it didn't feel like a handcuff, keeping him a prisoner of a routine he had no say in. It added to the control he had over his own life. Eddie liked it.

Stretching his body, Eddie got up, walking back slowly to his flat. He pulled out his phone, noticing that he got a few texts. One from Richie, asking him if he had a good run, another one from Bill, wondering what he'd like to eat or not for the days they'd spend with him (the fact that he actually remembered his food sensitivities warmed up Eddie's heart) and… a text from Myra?

Eddie raised an eyebrow, surprised. He read it thoroughly, while he was going up the stairs to their flat.

_Hello, Eddie, I hope you're doing well. Tate would like to see you. Are you available for lunch?_

Eddie bit his bottom lip, unsure of what he should answer. Richie wanted to meet her first, before he'd feel tranquil enough to let him go with Tate and her on his own. On the other hand… He really wanted to see Tate again, and he didn't have it in him to just answer "no". Putting his phone on a nearby shelf, he gave a quick peck to Gnocchi's head and caressed her a bit, before going to the bathroom. A good shower might help him to think it through…

Undressing became easier with time, even though Eddie was still struggling here and there. He pondered on the past, when he couldn't even remember that he was actually able to do that. His mother tried to strip him of his own individuality, but she didn't manage to. In the end, Eddie won. He was living with his friend and his boyfriend, taking care of himself, and he didn't need her anymore. He never did, truly.

Eddie sighed, the lukewarm water hitting his body, cleaning him of his sweat and filth. Staring at the wall, he thought about Myra, Tate, and Richie. What was he supposed to do? His therapist did tell him that it was a good thing that he had a new friend, autistic like him, and that it would be beneficial for him and Richie to spend time apart. But Richie… Richie would like to know, right? If he wanted to meet Myra today…

But what if his boyfriend said "no"? What would Eddie do? If Richie insisted that they should meet Myra and Tate outside of the association together, was he supposed to just agree with him and let go? Or should he argue and convince him that he could handle it? Eddie didn't want to get into a fight with Richie. He had felt awful the last time they did, even though he knew that he had been in his right to feel angry and upset.

Eddie dug his fingernails in his palms, his anxiety getting slowly the best of him. Here he was, unable to make a choice once more. He hated being indecisive, it reminded him of the person that he used to be and that he didn't want to become again. He fought so hard to not be his mother's Eddie bear… He wasn't going to turn back into that guy. Never again.

Eddie closed his eyes, resting his head against the cold tiles on the wall. Maybe he could think of a compromise… If he told Mike, then it wouldn't be that bad, right? Mike would know better than to worry Richie uselessly, but he'd stay ready to help if needed. Eddie just didn't want Richie to get overbearing or to stress over him, to the point that he wouldn't be able to focus on his work… He'd be okay. Everything will be okay.

Once he was done with his shower, and all dressed up, Eddie went to retrieve his phone, answering to the texts he had received. He reassured Richie, telling him that his jogging session had been just fine and that he had just finished showering. He signaled to Bill that he didn't like spicy stuff or coconut, but that he was open to try pretty much everything else otherwise. And then, he answered to Myra, telling her that he was free and okay to meet her and Tate, as long as it's in Bangor. He couldn't drive, and he wasn't ready to use a bus yet, not without help. Maybe later.

She was quick to answer, telling him that it was just fine, and suggested meeting at a nearby restaurant around noon. Eddie felt a bit nervous about that. He never went to an establishment like that without Richie or Mike around. Could he handle it? What if he messed it up? What if he acted rudely and got them in trouble?

Eddie curled up on the couch, Gnocchi joining him soon after, bumping his face with her tiny head, purring when he started to caress her. The motion helped him to relax, as well as the feeling of the soft fur under his fingertips.

He didn't need to get so anxious. He was just going to eat with some friends. Besides, if it didn't go well, he had plenty of people he could call for help. Mike, Richie, his parents, Liz, Greta, Dr. Park… Even Dr. Norton, if no one else was available. Or Adrian and Don, from the LGBT center. They knew about his issues. They would help. He knew it.

It was reassuring to know that he could rely on people without having to fear that they'd strip him of his independence or his "privileges" (that's what he called being treated humanly, unable to think of it differently). Struggling to tie his shoelaces or to communicate wasn't the end of the world. It didn't make him less. It just meant that he had to cope with things most people could handle easily in another way. Nothing wrong about it.

Eddie stayed on the couch, watching TV without being able to get really invested in anything, waiting for the moment he'd leave his flat to get there on time. When it happened, Eddie hugged Gnocchi one last time, whining part of her name tenderly, before grabbing his stuff and leaving. He couldn't help but feel a bit ashamed, knowing that he had put his teddy bear in his backpack once again. He knew he shouldn't, Richie reminded him of that multiple times, but still.

Sending a quick text to Mike to explain to him the situation and telling him where he would be, Eddie headed out, trying to keep his stress under control. It would be okay… He would be fine. He was just hanging with Tate. And his sister he didn't know a thing about. That was the tricky part. He didn't interact much with her yet, only talking to Tate and playing with him the few times they saw each other.

He wasn't used to meeting new people without Richie helping him out. But maybe it was for the best. If he wanted to gain more autonomy and independence, he had to detach himself from Richie and learn how to do stuff without necessarily relying on him. He could if he needed, of course, but Eddie would like to be able to accomplish some things on his own. To prove to himself that he could do it. To definitely show his mother wrong. He wasn't her little boy anymore, her doll, her puppet. He was so much more than that.

Myra and Tate were waiting for him near the restaurant's entrance door, which was more of a fast-food than anything else. Myra waved at him, and Tate let out a happy noise, visibly overjoyed to see him. Eddie flapped his arms enthusiastically, stopping when Myra held out her hand to him, a smile on her face:

"I didn't introduce myself properly to you the last time we saw each other. Myra Atkinson, Tate's big sister. I'm glad to meet you, Eddie."

Eddie raised an eyebrow, slightly intrigued by her formality, before shaking her hand, smiling back at her. He gave a quick glance to the restaurant, noticing that it didn't seem to be too crowded, thankfully. He shouldn't have to worry too much about the noise, then. Myra guided them inside, walking to a table at the back of the establishment. Eddie focused on the menu, while Myra handed one to Tate, informing her brother's friend:

"We're always sitting at this table when we come here. Tate feels better when things stay the same. I bet you have some kind of routine too, right?"

Eddie nodded, picking a dish on the menu that he was familiar with, before pulling up his lightwriter and typing on it:

" _Mostly a morning routine. I always take a shower first, then eat my breakfast. We have a weekly board game evening and movie nights as well."_

"That's good, that's good. So, it's you and Richie, right?"

Eddie shook his head, using his lightwriter to answer:

" _My friend Mike is also our roommate. We're three there. He's very kind, and I love talking about books with him. He's a librarian. I used to work with him."_

"Used to? What happened?"

Before Eddie could answer, a waiter came to their table, asking them what they wanted. Myra ordered for herself, before nudging gently Tate, who struggled to get his words out, rocking slightly on his chair:

“F… Fries. Cheesebuh… Cheesebuh…”

"Come on, you can do it, Tate."

The waiter intervened with a polite smile, offering his help:

"I think I got the gist of it, Ma'am. It's okay, I..."

She shushed him immediately, the sudden shift in her gentle attitude taking Eddie and the waiter by surprise. He whined softly, reaching for Tate's knee under the table to provide him some support. His friend jumped, startled, but managed to get his piece out:

"… burger. Cheeseburger."

He smiled widely, turning his face towards his sister, who smiled back at him, putting her hand on his neck and pressing slightly. He relaxed at the gesture, visibly appreciating it. Eddie didn't know what to say. He clearly felt weirded out, but he didn't know how to react. He simply typed his own order for the waiter, before slipping his index finger between his lips and sucking on it nervously.

He had to say something. He had to! Taking a deep breath, he managed to use his lightwriter, expressing his upset thoughts:

" _Tate doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to. It doesn't matter."_

Both Myra and Tate looked back at Eddie with a confused face. Tate pulled out his notebook, writing messily on it, Eddie struggling to read what he just put on the paper:

_Want to talk. Want to use my voice._

"I'll never force Tate if he doesn't feel like it." Myra put on a reassuring smile on her face. "I'm merely respecting his wish. He wants to be able to speak verbally, and I'm here to support him."

Eddie didn't know what to say. If that was Tate's desire, then it was probably okay, right? It seemed to be painful and challenging, but Eddie couldn't dictate what his friend should or shouldn't do. If he really wanted to talk, Richie would support him too, after all. And Myra didn't try to press him or anything. She actually seemed to be ready to wait indefinitely until Tate uttered his final word or let her know that he was giving up.

"You never talk, Eddie?"

Eddie shrugged, sucking intently on his finger. He wasn't used to talking about these things. Most of the people he frequented didn't mind how he communicated, as long as he felt comfortable with it. Richie happily switched to ASL whenever Eddie felt like it, even though they weren't yet using it fluently, and he was also doing his best to interpret his behavior and his whines otherwise. And of course, there was his lightwriter, that Eddie couldn't imagine himself living without… He showed his device proudly, managing to put a smile on his face:

" _I use this. It helps a lot. It's almost as fast as talking out loud, and it doesn't limit what I can or can't say."_

Tate's interest visibly perked up at his last words, while Myra nodded with an understanding face:

"It really seems to help."

While their waiter brought them their plates, Eddie added, rocking slowly on his chair:

" _It does! People can understand me, and I don't have to force the words out."_

"It's wonderful that Richie and, I presume, your roommate Mike are supportive of your communication device. I wish our parents would have been so open-minded..."

Tate let out a distressed noise, and Myra apologized immediately, sniffling a bit:

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned this topic. It's… It's painful for both of us. I had to make a choice between my parents and my brother and… and I choose Tate, of course. I'll always pick him, no matter what."

Eddie couldn't imagine what it would be like, being forced to leave his parents behind for someone's sake. He would have done it for Richie, of course, and he was pretty sure Richie would have done the same too, if Went and Maggie didn't accept their relationship, but he never had to actually do it. And his mother… Well, if she was still alive and he had to make a choice between her and Richie, there was definitely no hesitation whatsoever.

But Myra actually left her folks behind for her brother. And Eddie could see that Tate was infinitely grateful for that. He rested his head against her shoulder, and she massaged his neck, the way they seemed to show each other affection most of the time.

"Sometimes, I miss them, but I remember that they never had been there for him. Not once. I took care of Tate early on, and it's always been us. Just the two of us."

Myra bit her bottom lip and added with a hint of hesitation in her voice, while Tate was munching on his fries, his leg shaking under the table:

"Dad used to scream at his face to make him talk. That's what angered him and Mom the most: Tate's lack of communication. They never understood him. But I do, and I love him. I love you, little brother."

She massaged his neck, and he whined softly, his leg shaking slightly less. Eddie felt terrible, learning about Tate's past. He remembered the way his mother used to treat him, before she decided that she could capitalize on his autism: the way she stopped him from doing anything remotely close to an autistic behavior, as if it was something to be ashamed of. Her harsh words, her threats, her affection withdrawn at any point…

Eddie shivered at the thought and the memories, letting out a distressed moan. Myra immediately intervened, leaving her chair, sitting next to him:

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought up those things, I know how hard it must have been for you. It's fine. It's all in the past. She can't hurt you anymore."

Myra hesitantly approached her hand from his shoulder, and Eddie nodded. She put firm pressure on it, the way Eddie actually liked it, reminding him with a soft voice that he was safe and that he wasn't alone. He managed to push away the anxiety, smiling thankfully at Myra, who waited for his approval to sit next to Tate, handing her brother a napkin when he started to stain his shirt:

"You're very brave, Eddie. And you're lucky to have supportive people around. People who don't mind your communication issues and accept you just as you are."

Eddie nodded. It helped whenever Richie reminded him that he didn't care if Eddie never talked out loud. That he loved him and that it would never change. His support meant the world to Eddie. His thought, his memory helped him so much when he had no one else, nothing else…

"So, you're using this device to communicate. And do you have other stuff to help? Tate can use his communication board and his notebook, so I figured you might have something else too."

Eddie nodded. He took a bite from his dish, swallowed it, wiping his hands cautiously before typing an answer:

" _I used a whiteboard, but my handwriting is pretty messy, and it hurts my wrist after a while. I'm learning ASL with Richie. Richie can actually understand a lot of my whines, it's almost as if he's reading my thoughts!"_

Myra chuckled at his enthusiasm. She called for a waiter when Tate inadvertently dropped his fork, so that he would get a new one. The employee was about to leave when Myra reminded Tate, a gentle smile on her lips:

"What should you say to our waiter?"

The waiter visibly wanted to leave their table and go to another customer, but Myra held him back, while Tate was struggling to get the words out:

"Th… Thu...Than..."

Eddie grimaced, knowing very well what Tate might feel at this instant. This wall in his throat, trying to keep the words in, forcing him to gather all of his energy to push through it… But it wasn't just physical. Struggling like that, in front of people who weren't used to this kind of thing, it was the hardest part. 

Noticing how awkward they could get, the uneasiness dripping from them, their impatience, how much they seemed to want to be anywhere but here… It was humiliating. It was stressful. The waiter tried to say something, but Myra shushed him once again. The moment he reminded her that he had other customers to attend to, Tate started to bawl his eyes out, hitting his legs harshly with his fists.

Myra hugged him tightly with one arm, using her other hand to massage his neck and attempt to calm him down. She glared at the waiter while doing so, at everyone who was looking at them currently. Eddie was feeling pretty nervous as well, humming anxiously, agitating his legs. He managed to calm down enough to ask their waiter, who didn't seem to know what to do:

" _Can we take out what we haven't eaten yet?"_

The waiter nodded, taking their plates to prepare it all, while Myra smiled gratefully at Eddie's initiative. They left as quickly as possible, sitting in a park nearby, Myra keeping Tate in a comforting embrace, whispering words to his ear that Eddie couldn't understand. Once he was calmed down, Myra glanced back at the restaurant, that they could still see from where they were installed:

"Eddie, can you stay with Tate, please? I have a few choice words for them all."

Tate grabbed her sleeve weakly, shaking his head. She smiled at him, putting his hand away:

"Don't worry, little brother. I'll be back soon."

She left without looking back, heading determinedly towards the restaurant. Eddie kept on watching her, until he heard a quiet whine coming from Tate. He turned his head towards him, noticing the messy handwriting on his notebook:

_Don't want her to go there and scream. My fault._

Eddie grimaced. He shook his head, typing on his lightwriter:

" _It's_ _not your fault, Tate. You got anxious, it happens. I have meltdowns too. They suck."_

Tate nodded, remaining quiet and thoughtful for a while. Then he wrote in his notebook, handing it to Eddie. His writing was getting messier and messier, and Eddie guessed that he wouldn't be able to write much longer:

_Couldn't say Thank you. Should have. My fault. When I talk, all good. When I don't, bad. People upset. Leave. Because of me._

Eddie wanted to say something, but Myra came back to them, cheeks red, after having seemingly screamed for quite a while:

"It's all good. They're going to have a talk with this rude waiter. I hope he gets fired."

Tate whined loudly at her words, looking distressed at the idea.

"Nonsense, Tate. This guy was awful to you. If he just waited a little more, I'm sure you would have been able to talk. Don't you agree, Eddie?"

Eddie wasn't prepared to react. His fingers hovered over his lightwriter for a while, until he finally shrugged, not knowing what to say. Sure, the waiter had participated in Tate's distress. But he had a job to do, and he would have gotten in trouble if he stayed too long at the same table, Eddie knew that. He doubted Richie would have reacted like that, especially if Eddie told him he didn't want to cause any trouble. Richie might have argued about it a little bit, but he wouldn't have done something if he knew Eddie really didn't want him to do it.

Eddie gave a quick glance back at the restaurant, but Myra immediately distracted him, smiling widely:

"We still have our food to eat, remember? Oh, and you didn't tell me why you weren't working anymore with your friend Matt."

Eddie raised an eyebrow, typing on his lightwriter:

" _It's Mike. And our library burned down. So we both lost our job, but he found one here, at another library."_

"Oh, no, that's terrible! A shame that you didn't work with him again. Why so?"

Eddie bit his bottom lip. He hesitated, before admitting with an ashamed expression on his face:

" _I didn't look for a job after we moved out. Mike was the one who hired me, and he took care of me. I don't know if I'll be able to be hired and to handle another job."_

Tate articulated his name to show him his support, while Myra nodded thoughtfully, an understanding smile on her lips:

"Well, at least, your friends support you, right?"

"Uh-uh..."

Eddie couldn't help, but start to feel a bit guilty. Sure, he was keeping their flat clean, taking care of Gnocchi, and he was still using his mother's past income to help pay their rent and other necessities, but he was home all day while Richie and Mike were working.

And he dared to complain that he was bored and felt alone! He was lucky that his friend and his boyfriend weren't holding it against him… Maybe he should try harder. Perhaps he could actually start to look for a job. Even if he didn't get one, at least, he would have tried, right? Just like Tate tried to talk, even though it was so difficult…

He ate what was left of his dish, nodding distractedly at Myra's words. Tate seemed to do the same thing, probably exhausted by his previous meltdown. He couldn't even hold his pen as of now, relying on his communication board to talk. He pointed at a tired face, then at a sad face, while Myra nodded, interpreting what he was trying to say:

"You're tired and upset, Tate? You want to go home?"

He nodded, looking at Eddie and pointing to the sad face multiple times. Eddie grimaced, typing on his lightwriter:

" _I'm_ _sad I can't see you more too. But you have to rest and take care of yourself. It was a lot. We'll see each other next time."_

"Maybe I could bring you to our apartment, next time? Tate would feel better there."

Eddie agreed, nodding to show his approbation. Myra joined her hands with a delighted expression on her face, showing him her gratitude:

"Thank you so much, Eddie! I look forward to it! Tate was so impatient to see you again, he couldn't stay still for more than a few seconds."

She planted a kiss on his forehead, and Eddie recoiled, letting out a distressed whine, not expecting it. She took a step back, visibly upset:

"I'm sorry, I'm so used to interact with Tate, I didn't… I… Sorry."

Eddie was still feeling really uncomfortable, but he nodded, typing on his lightwriter:

" _It's_ _okay. Don't do it again, please."_

"Right. I'm really sorry, Eddie. It won't happen again, I promise."

Helping Tate up, she massaged his neck softly to relax him, while parting ways with Eddie:

"It was good seeing you. I hope you'll be able to visit us soon. Call me whenever. Or I'll call you, and you'll let me know, alright?". Eddie nodded, and she smiled more. "Great! I'm so happy I finally got to meet you. Goodbye, Eddie!"

She waved at him, Tate doing the same tiredly, and they left. Eddie stayed on the bench they were sitting on for a while, pondering on their meeting. He was glad he had been able to see Tate again, even if his friend had been too upset to truly interact with him. He hoped they'd be able to play again next time or to talk about the things they were both passionate about.

As for Myra… She seemed nice. He wasn't sure about some of the stuff she said or did, but it was obvious how much she cared about her brother. And considering their past, Eddie could understand why she was acting the way she did. He wasn't going to judge her. She wanted to support her brother, no matter what.

After a while, once he had cleaned up his mess, Eddie went back home, curling up on his bed as soon as he could. He felt very, very tired. He closed his eyes for what he thought would be a quick nap, but he was then woken up by Richie, who came back from work after a long day.

He was smiling, but he didn't seem very happy. Eddie rubbed his eyes, struggling to wake up completely. He couldn't remember what he dreamed about, but considering how he trashed his bed, he doubted that it had been nice.

"Hello, sleepyhead. You're okay?"

Eddie nodded, yawning loudly. Now that he wasn't sleeping and snoring anymore, Gnocchi joined him, climbing up on the bed, asking for his attention. Eddie immediately started to caress her fur, tensing when Richie began to talk again:

"You could have told me."

He raised his eyes towards Richie, his heart beating faster. Biting his bottom lip, Eddie was left unable to say something. Mike must have told him where he was, after it happened. He probably thought Eddie was upset about something, given the way he was agitated in his sleep, and told Richie about it so that he'd be able to understand what was happening, if Eddie was still in bad shape once he woke up.

Eddie whined sheepishly, and Richie sighed, ruffling his hair:

"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that. I'm not angry, I'm just… I'm just sad, I guess. I know why you didn't tell me and… and I shouldn't have made you think that you couldn't talk to me. You didn't want to worry me, right?"

Eddie nodded. Richie gave him his lightwriter, and he typed, trying to prevent himself from crying:

" _I was afraid you'd say no. I didn't want to fight you on this."_

"Oh, Eds."

Richie hugged him tightly, resting his chin against Eddie's head, whispering softly:

"I would never, never control what you can or can't do. I swear. Sure, sometimes, I might hold you back after you drank too much because you're a lightweight..."

Eddie chuckled at his joke, and Richie smiled, caressing his hair tenderly:

"But it's ultimately up to you. You wanted to see Tate, I get it. I wish I would have been there, but I wasn't, and it's okay. I hope it went well?"

Eddie hesitated. Tate had a meltdown, he had felt a bit distressed himself and definitely exhausted when he came home, but… but in the end, it went pretty well, right? Myra liked him, which meant that he would get to spend time with Tate again. And he was happy he had been able to see his friend again.

Backing up a bit so that Richie could see him, Eddie nodded, putting a smile on his lips:

" _Yes, it went well. Myra has been nice, and the food was good. I was glad to see Tate. I hope we'll see each other again."_

"I'm happy for you, then. Next time, maybe I could be with you? If you want to, of course."

Eddie wanted to be with Richie at all times. But he remembered about the way Tate pushed himself to talk and how Myra encouraged him. He wondered what Richie would think about that… He couldn't stop himself from thinking about his friend's words: _When I don't talk, bad. People leave._

What if Richie got the wrong idea? And even if he didn't, what if he got upset at the way Tate forced himself to talk and got into a fight with him and Myra? Eddie would never be able to see his friend again. He finally shook his head, feeling terrible when he witnessed Richie's dismay on his face:

" _No. Dr. Park told me I should do my own things. I want to see Tate all alone, like you when you're visiting Liz without me."_

Richie seemed hurt, but he quickly put an understanding smile on his lips, kissing Eddie's forehead:

"Alright, your thing. I'm not going to interfere. But remember that you can call me whenever you want, right? I'll come to get you as soon as you ask me to."

Eddie nodded. He knew that. He knew that very well. He hugged Richie tightly, following him when he suggested to leave their bedroom and to hang out with Mike. Richie loved him, and he loved him back. Mike loved them too. Eddie wouldn't lose them. Even if he couldn't hold a job. Even if he couldn't talk verbally. Even if he couldn't do many, many things.

He wouldn't. Because they loved him.

_People leave._

Eddie pushed this thought away, focusing on his friend and his partner, burying his face in his cat's fur. They loved him. They loved him. They loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for this chapter! I hope you liked it! 
> 
> Eddie finally got to meet Myra for the first time. It was really interesting to write it! I don't want to say much about it, because I don't want to spoil you, but I'm really intrigued to get your reactions about what happened in this chapter.  
> Eddie's self-doubt is starting to come back, unfortunately. Recovery is a tricky path to take and it definitely has its ups and downs. Things that seemed to be acquired can suddenly be lost again, so it's a constant battle.
> 
> But Eddie is well-surrounded, fortunately c:. And Richie supports him no matter what, that's for sure.
> 
> I really hope you liked this chapter! If you can, don't hesitate to share your thoughts, it's one of those chapters I'd really like to discuss more with my readers, if possible! But if you don't feel like it, just a few words or even a simple "kudos" will do it c:. You can also subscribe to the story and/or series and leave kudos if you want to.
> 
> Thank you for your support after all this time! Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 26th chapter! Thank you all for your reactions to the previous chapter, it was definitely interesting to witness (don't hesitate to share it if you're late to the party, it's one of those chapters I'd really love to talk about and see your opinion). I love to write for you all, you're keeping me motivated (despite me popping a med for my headache and struggling not to sleep the whole time xD). 
> 
> Thank you for your support c:. I really hope you'll like this chapter. Here are the Trigger Warnings for this one:
> 
> TW for homophobic slur  
> TW for homophobia  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for mention of suicide
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Richie gently kissed Eddie’s forehead, reminding him to call him whenever his session was over, so that he could go back to their flat. The last time he saw Dr. Park wasn’t so long ago, but their trip to Bill and Audra’s place had been officially planned, and Eddie definitely needed to be prepared for it. It wasn’t just about the fact that he was going to visit his mother’s grave, although it was a definite factor in his anxiety. They also had to get him ready to get on a plane for the first time in his life.

Richie and Mike tried to find a way to get to their friend’s place that didn’t involve flying, but that would have meant days and days of traveling, and none of them could really afford to not go to work for so long. Besides, such a long trip might stress out Eddie more. At least, the fly would only last a few hours. Then, his wonderful boyfriend would get all the rest he needed.

Dr. Park had been informed and was supposed to teach him some coping techniques and help him prepare for the upcoming event. Richie and Mike had done what they could to reassure him, but they couldn’t really put themselves in Eddie’s shoes and cover all the bases of his fear and anxiety.

Eddie was absolutely convinced that the plane would crash or explode as soon as it would take off, or that his brain would come out of his ears, which was no doubt a result of his mother’s constant bullshitting to keep him close to her. Richie could see that he was excited to go on a trip like that, beyond his fear, but his stress was getting the best of him, preventing him from looking forward to it all. He hoped that Dr. Park would know how to reassure him. All of his attempts only resulted in his boyfriend wheezing helplessly, curling up on his lap, and shaking with fear.

He didn’t have to wonder what he should do, the first idea that popped into his mind definitely seemed to be the best. Richie took his usual path, walking towards Liz’s apartment. It’s been a little while since he last saw her, and he really wanted to catch up with her, make sure that she was alright.

He would have loved to bring Eddie with him, but, even if he hadn’t been in his therapy session right now, he was in no state to see anyone else, bursting out into tears randomly and experiencing meltdowns at any given moment, terrified at the upcoming trip they were going to do.

Richie figured out that the fact that he was about to say goodbye to his mother on her grave was also torturing his mind, making him more prone to regression episodes. Richie hated those. Eddie always seemed to suffer so much, waiting for his boyfriend or Mike to punish him, to tell him how bad he was…

Richie shook his head, chasing the thought out of his brain. Better not pondering on it too much, especially when he couldn’t be there by his side. Eddie needed his privacy, and Richie respected that. He understood why he shouldn’t be around when Eddie was having his therapy sessions (unless he wanted him to stay). But it was harder to grasp and accept the fact that Eddie seemed to want to do more and more things without Richie. And without telling him about it either.

Richie managed to keep it mostly under wrap, but he had been absolutely wrecked with worry when Mike told him that Eddie went to see Tate and Myra on his own. And worse than that, he withheld this piece of information from Richie, deliberately choosing not to share with him what he had planned to do. Richie understood his reasons, truly. But it still hurt. And it hurt even more, knowing that Eddie didn’t want him around when he was seeing his friend.

Why? Richie wasn’t sure. Eddie claimed that it was about having his own space, and Richie would have been inclined to believe it if his boyfriend allowed him once to come with him. But he didn’t. And Richie was left with his pure anxiety, hoping that Myra wouldn’t call soon to see him or that Eddie wouldn’t want to see his friend immediately… Their trip was a real salvation in that sense. Eddie couldn’t really see other people than Mike and Richie, which meant no Tate nor Myra.

Richie had nothing against Eddie’s friend, but he still couldn’t feel appeased at the idea that his partner would spend time with Myra. He barely knew her, and what he saw didn’t entirely convince him to trust her. It wasn’t like Liz or, heck, even Greta. He knew that they wouldn’t hurt Eddie or try to get him to act in a way that didn’t suit him. But Myra… He had no idea about that. Not a single clue.

And it made him feel powerless. He did talk about that to Mike, but his friend merely told him that he needed to trust Eddie and that he would confess to him if he ever had any issues. But would he? Or would he hide it, just like he did when he went to see Myra and her brother for the first time, outside of the association? Richie was really trying to be less overbearing, but he still had a lot of progress to accomplish on that side. And he didn’t want to offend Eddie or make him think that he didn’t believe him to be able to do stuff without him.

Richie… Richie just wanted to make sure that Eddie wouldn’t get hurt once more. He already went through so much, more than enough for a whole lifetime. If he had to suffer again… Richie bit his bottom lip at the thought. Maybe _he_ was the one who wouldn’t be able to handle it… Eddie was so strong, brave, and resilient. But he shouldn’t have to be so often. 

While he was deep in thought, his steps finally brought him to Liz’s flat. He climbed the stairs until he reached her floor, knocking at the door. He expected to see her friend, but was instead greeted by Greta, who raised an eyebrow when she saw him. Richie attempted to look behind her, but she shook her head, letting him know:

“Hey. Liz’s not there. She’s working at a coffee shop. I don’t give her much time before she gets fired, but you know...”

She crossed her arms over her chest, looking at his dejected face:

“I’m glad to know that you’re happy to see me. By the way, you should have definitely called before. You wouldn’t have been disappointed.”

“I forgot.”

It was the simple truth. Richie was so focused on the idea of seeing Liz that he didn’t even think to let her know that she was coming or to check that she was even here in the first place. He could be so forgetful, sometimes… He added with a smile:

“What makes you think I’m not happy to see you? Although I definitely miss your girlf...”

Greta put her hand on his lips slightly brutally, before pulling him forcefully inside her partner’s flat, visibly upset.

“You want every fucking one of our neighbors to know about us?”

She looked legitimately afraid by this idea. Richie grimaced, apologizing sheepishly. Of course not. He didn’t mean to almost out her without her consent. His motormouth had been talking before his brain could stop it all. It was still a shitty thing to do, even if he didn’t mean to. He bit his bottom lip, and Greta sighed, forcing herself to relax and lower down her crossed arms to her sides:

“It’s okay. Just try to be more mindful, alright?”

Richie nodded, and Greta stared at him for a few seconds, before putting one of her hands in her hair, playing with it, while asking him with a curious voice:

“Where’s Eddie?”

Richie shrugged. Eddie told him that it was okay for him to mention his therapy sessions, as long as he didn’t reveal any detail. But Greta didn’t need to know that. No one was entitled to learn about Eddie’s recovery and what he was doing to help himself achieve so. 

“He’s busy. He should call me as soon as he’s done, he needed the flat for himself.”

Richie could see that Greta was itching to interrogate him, but she kept her questions for herself, something she would have definitely not have done a few years, heck, a few months ago. Liz was truly a good influence on her, no doubt about it. Showing him the couch, she looked for some stuff to drink and eat, while Richie sat down, stretching his gangly limbs. He definitely didn’t think he’d spend time with Greta alone, but she didn’t seem to want to kick him out so soon, so he might as well stay here. He wouldn’t be alone, at least…

She sat on a chair in front of him, drinking from the beer bottle she pulled from the fridge. He would be just fine with a soda, thank you very much. He gave a quick glance around him, smiling when he noticed more and more stuff that definitely belonged to Greta:

“I see you’re getting cozy here. You’re thinking of selling your place, in Derry? Can’t say I would blame you. Leaving this town was the best decision I ever made. Well, that, and dating my Eddie Spaghetti, of course.”

She rolled her eyes at the nickname, shrugging at his words:

“I don’t know. I mean, I sleep here more often, but...”

“Sleep?”

Richie waggled his eyebrows suggestively, and he swore he saw a smile on Greta’s face, before she managed to conceal it:

“Yes, sleep. Shut up, Richie! Anyway, yeah, it’s… it’s nice not to be alone anymore.”

There was probably nothing left for her in Derry, aside from her work. The people she used to hang around with were either gone or would definitely not accept her like she was, meaning that she would have to conceal it all every time she wanted to spend time with them. 

Richie experienced it: it was definitely the worst. Pretending he was someone he was not, making lewd jokes just for the sake of them believing that he was straight (now, he could use his gay crude humor, which was infinitely better)… It was painful. Truly. Like wearing a mask so attached to the skin that taking it off meant pulling off his own flesh as well. Being out to his friends and family was definitely a relief, especially since they accepted him.

“Yeah, Bangor is a pretty cool place. Besides, you get to see me more, which is definitely an advantage.”

Greta smirked at his remark, taking a sip of her bottle before adding cheekily:

“I definitely put that in the “minus” column. Along with the fact that I have to wake up earlier to get to my job on time.”

“Ouch, you hurt my feelings, Greta! I don’t know if I’ll be able to get over that.”

“Then don’t.”

Richie chuckled at her dry tone. She reminded him of Stanley somehow, although she definitely had more trouble than him to determine when she stopped being funny and when she got mean. He wondered if Liz tried to help her with that…

Taking off his shoes, Richie sat cross-legged on the couch, while Greta asked him, definitely interested in his answer:

“Is Eddie okay? It’s just so weird to see you without him, you two are attached at the hip.”

Richie grimaced at her words. She wasn’t entirely wrong, but still. They really needed to have their own space. Eddie seemed well-engaged in that path, at least. He sighed at the thought that crossed his mind, forcing a smile on his lips:

“Yeah. He’s a bit more tired lately, but we’re handling it.”

Richie thought that Greta would drop the subject, but she seemed genuinely invested in Eddie’s well-being, and his vague answer didn’t satisfy her:

“Why? Is there something wrong?”

Richie didn’t want to spill the beans on Eddie without his clear consent. She didn’t have to know how scared he was of flying, the awful mess with his mother, or anything like that. If Eddie wanted to talk about it later, Richie wouldn’t protest, but it needed to be _his_ choice. Richie wouldn’t speak for or about him without his explicit approval. Instead, he merely chose to ask, bouncing one of his legs nervously:

“Do you have secrets? That you don’t tell Liz, I mean.”

It wasn’t the first time Eddie decided to keep what he was doing for him. He didn’t tell him when he decided to go to the bakery all alone, so that he’d buy him some pastries, just like he didn’t share the fact that he had been invited to meet Tate and Myra and actually went there, all alone. 

Eddie assured the first time that he wanted to surprise him, but Richie started to think that it might be his own fault, making Eddie anxious at the idea that he might worry his boyfriend or cause him to get snappy and angry at him. Richie wouldn’t do that, but given his overbearing tendencies, he could hardly blame Eddie for his decision... 

Greta deflected the question, taking a sip of her beer, and asked back:

“Boyfriend issues?”

Richie hesitated, before he finally nodded. He wouldn’t discuss Eddie’s diagnosis or recovery, but he could at least mention that, right? As long as he stayed vague… He just needed to talk to someone, and, weirdly enough, Greta seemed open to the idea.

“Sort of. I mean… I get the feeling that Eddie’s starting to become quite secretive, I don’t know what to do. Or if it’s even a bad thing.”

“Considering that Eddie’s privacy had been violated those last few years endlessly, I’d say it’s good, actually.”

Richie wasn’t sure he wanted to hear that. He didn’t know what he wished for Greta to say, actually… Maybe he should just listen to her and drop the subject altogether. Flying problems and mommy issues aside, Eddie seemed to be doing relatively okay, after all. He thought so, anyway. 

His second long sigh pushed Greta to answer, clearing her throat a few times before doing so:

“Yes, I do keep secrets from Liz, and I’m pretty sure she does too. That’s how it works. If you were always entirely honest with everyone, you’d get on their bad side quickly, trust me.”

Richie liked to believe otherwise, but he couldn’t really fault her reasoning. Sometimes, he didn’t tell Eddie that his humming was getting on his nerves, knowing that it helped him feel better and less anxious. If he told him, Eddie would likely feel hurt and might try to stop himself from stimming, which was definitely not what he wanted to happen.

“I might tell her some stuff later. I just don’t feel comfortable with it, as of now.”

“Like what?”

Richie blurted that out without thinking much. He apologized quickly, adding with a shameful tone:

“You don’t have to say anything. It’s okay, I...”

“I told my father about Liz.”

Richie immediately stopped his rambling, focusing back on his friend. She remained silent, glancing at her feet for a few seconds. Richie didn’t really want to ask her, but he wasn’t sure she’d get out of her mindspace if he didn’t nudge her a bit:

“And?”

She looked back at him, playing with her hair:

“He pulled out the rainbow and the glitter, and he screamed a big “Yaaaas queen!”. How do you think it went, Richie?”

Richie couldn’t help but snort at the picture. He apologized quickly, but Greta didn’t seem to mind. She wasn’t looking down anymore, but she was staring at the wall, in a way that made Richie feel uneasy. She chuckled darkly, before she added, drinking the rest of her beer:

“He told me that if I came back, he’d hang himself in his cell.”

“Jesus fuck, Greta!”

Those were the first words Richie had been able to think of. It was so violent, he couldn’t… he couldn’t imagine how she felt. If his own parents rejected him like that, he didn’t know if he would have been able to cope…

“I’m tempted to go back, just to see if he actually has the balls to do it.”

Richie choked on the biscuit he was nervously nibbling on, coughing a few times. She handed him a glass of water, adding with a pensive tone: 

“I’m joking. Maybe. I don’t know.”

She sighed, biting on her bottom lip:

“I don’t know why I said that to him. I just blurted it out the last time I saw him. Maybe I got tired of hiding it again and again. I don’t know what I thought would happen. That Liz and I would get to have an awkward “first meeting with the family” at the parlor?”

Greta sneered, mumbling to herself more than to Richie:

“That he would be happy for me?”

Richie wanted nothing more than to reach out for her, hug her in the same way he would try to hug his friends and boyfriend’s problems away. But she shook her head when she noticed him getting up, guessing his intent:

“Don’t get all mushy with me, Richie. If you start to hug me, I’ll bite your face off. I’m not kidding.”

Richie nodded at her words. He managed to put a smile on his face, trying to get her to lighten up a little:

“I didn’t know you were a werewolf, on top of being gay. That’s quite the coming out.”

She didn’t laugh, but he noticed her smirking, and it was a start. She put down her empty bottle, crossing her arms around her chest and correcting him:

“I don’t know if I’m gay. I don’t know what I am. I just know that I love her and that it makes me not straight. And unworthy of my father’s love, apparently.”

She sighed, closing her eyes for a short moment, taking a few deep breaths. Richie could guess that she didn’t want to be emotional in front of him. He would never mock her for that. He wasn’t petty nor bitter about their past. Greta had been an asshole, she acknowledged it, apologized, and was trying to get better. It wouldn’t help if he laughed at her for being sensitive, especially on such a topic…

“I guess I shouldn’t care. He’s an asshole and a pervert. I don’t even want to know the kind of thoughts that cross his mind. I refuse to think that we’re alike.”

She furrowed her eyebrows at the thought, and Richie immediately reassured her, getting his hand close to her if she felt the need to squeeze it:

“You’re not. You don’t have to. After all, Eddie doesn’t look at all like his mother, right?”

He definitely picked up some stuff from her, but how could he have not, with the brainwash she constantly put him through? But aside from that, Eddie couldn’t be more different from his mother if he tried. He was kind, caring, honest, strong, everything that she wasn’t. If he wasn’t like his mom, Greta didn’t have to become her father.

She didn’t take his hand, but she smiled, thanking him for his words:

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s up to me to decide who I want to be. Thanks, dick.”

“Anytime, Grinch.”

She rolled her eyes at the nickname, but she didn’t correct him. She merely reached out for a glass of soda, leaving the alcohol aside. Probably for the best. 

“I thought it would hurt more. But after a few hours, the deep pit in my stomach, it was just gone. I guess it’s easier to detach myself from my father, now that he’s not the only person I can rely on. I don’t have to put up with his bullshit anymore. He thinks I’m a disgusting dyke? Well, he’s the perverted bastard in jail, and I hope he cries every night in his nasty bed.”

Her harsh tone definitely stunned Richie. She didn’t mince her words, on the contrary. She never had, after all. Always blunt, no matter what. It was something to admire and to fear as well. Richie clearly remembered being a kid and crying his balls out when she decided she wanted to get mean with him and his friends. Maybe she wasn’t a bully anymore, but Richie wasn’t going to get on her bad side, that was for sure. Hell hath no fury like… like an angry Greta, simply put.

Clearing his throat, he asked her kindly, tapping on his glass:

“And Liz doesn’t know? That you talked to him, I mean?”

Greta shook her head, letting out a sigh. She glanced at the front door, as if she was fearing that she might barge in, before she finally admitted:

“No, I didn’t tell her. What would it be good for, anyway? Liz doesn’t need to hear once again that someone who doesn’t even know her hates her for her sexuality. I don’t want to tell you more, because it’s up to her to share this stuff with you, but it’s definitely a sore point for her.”

Richie remembered how she started to visibly get emotional, when she mentioned her family to his parents during their little party for Eddie’s physical recovery. He didn’t know exactly what happened, barely a few details, but he guessed that it had been painful and that she didn’t manage to move on since then. Mr. Keene’s homophobic words would most certainly be triggering for her. And yet…

“You don’t have to carry that burden all alone, Greta. I mean, I’m not saying that you should tell her immediately and bluntly. But maybe later? If you feel like it...”

She thought about Richie’s words for a little while, before she let him know, a smile on her lips:

“I’ll consider it. Thank you, dick.”

He was about to answer back, using once again the nickname he had for her, when his phone vibrated. It wasn’t a text, but a call. Coming from Dr. Park. Feeling his throat closing up at the idea that something might be wrong, he immediately answered, biting his bottom lip when he heard the therapist’s soothing tone:

“Hello, Richard. My session is over with Edward. Can you get home soon?”

Eddie would have been the one to warn him if everything was okay. He just knew it. He answered with a shaking “yes”, hanging up before Dr. Park could even attempt to reassure him. Eddie needed her, he didn’t want to monopolize her attention. 

“Sorry, Greta, I have to go. Eddie, he’s...”

He didn’t even know what to say. But Greta merely nodded, pointing at the door:

“Then go. I’ll say hello to Liz for you.”

He thanked her quickly, heading out. She followed him outside of her flat, asking him while he was leaving:

“Take care of him, alright?”

Richie didn’t even take the time to agree, although he definitely intended to. His whole attention was focused on Eddie, his Eddie… Running back to their apartment, Richie was out of breath when he finally arrived, opening the door without knocking first. Hearing him coming home, Dr. Park went out of the bedroom, disheveled, and looking quite worn-out. She put a smile on her lips, which didn’t reassure Richie in the slightest:

“You’re here, Richard. I managed to calm him down, but he’s not quite back to himself. I think you can help.”

She added something else, but Richie didn’t hear her words. He immediately opened the door, mouth agape when his brain registered what he was witnessing. Their room… It was a mess. Clothes scattered everywhere. Drawers pulled out. Torn papers. Eddie was sitting on the floor, wearing nothing but his underwear and socks, rocking slowly, a constant humming coming from the back of his throat. His eyes were red and swollen, and Richie immediately noticed the long red streaks over his arms. No blood in sight, but it definitely seemed to hurt. 

He sat in front of him, trying to get his attention, asking Dr. Park with a worried tone:

“What happened? What did you do?”

She ignored the accusation he threw at her, merely answering:

“Edward specifically asked me not to disclose any information regarding this session. I can’t betray his trust.”

Another secret. One more thing that he didn’t tell him. Richie was about to insist, interrogate her some more, when Eddie let out a noise that he was all too familiar with:

“Mo.”

Richie tried to touch him, so that he’ll be able to ground him as he usually did, but Eddie screeched and crawled away, curling up on his side a bit further, sliding his fingers between his lips. Dr. Park sighed, adjusting her glasses:

“I was hoping he might get more open to your touch. But I guess he’s too hypersensitive. He ripped his clothes off, some time ago.”

Some time ago? Fuck, how long did it last? How long was he in that state? Getting close to Eddie, Richie was careful not to touch him, telling him as softly as he could, trying not to let his fear transpire in his words and his tone:

“Eddie? It’s Richie, I’m home. You’re home with me. You’re safe. Your mom is not here, she...”

His words made it all worse, Eddie crying again, calling for his mother helplessly. Richie could see that he was eyeing his favorite hiding place, which was under the bed. If he got there, Richie wouldn’t be able to pull him out without risking to hurt him or send him into another fit of self-harm and violent meltdowns. 

Richie put his hand close, close enough that Eddie could reach it if he wanted to. And he did, grabbing it and sucking on his boyfriend’s fingers, whimpering and shivering. It was heartbreaking to see. Richie was aware that, in this state, Eddie would be unable to answer any of his questions. He needed to let him know that he was okay. That he wasn’t back with his mother, that he wasn’t her little boy anymore, that he was free from her abuse. But how was he supposed to do that, when Eddie could barely understand him?

An idea came to his mind, and he asked Dr. Park with an urgent tone:

“Can you grab Gnocchi? Our kitty, I mean. She must be on the couch or her cat tree.”

Dr. Park nodded, immediately leaving to retrieve the animal. Meanwhile, Richie kept himself still, while Eddie was sucking intently on his fingers, tears rolling down his cheeks. He wanted so badly to caress his cheeks and his hair, but he feared his possible reaction. Richie needed to keep him there, close, finding comfort in the feeling of his fingers between his lips.

“I’m here, Eds. I’m here, and I see you. I’m listening to you. You can tell me everything, you know?”

Richie couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. He wiped his face quickly with one hand, sniffling, while Dr. Park finally arrived, putting the cat near Eddie. Gnocchi, very attached to her master, immediately started to nudge him. The feeling of her soft fur definitely caught Eddie’s attention. There was nothing like that in his past, nothing he could compare it to. 

Slowly, his breathing got less ragged, his tears drying off on his cheeks. He was still not back from his episode, but he was definitely more peaceful. When a soft snore escaped him, Richie waited for a few minutes to make sure that he was deeply asleep, before taking out his fingers and carrying him out to bed. He tucked Eddie’s teddy bear in his arm, and his boyfriend immediately hugged it tightly, sucking and biting on his ear almost desperately. He was far from being fine, that was obvious. Richie doubted he’d be out of it, once he’ll wake up…

He followed Dr. Park out, holding her back when she attempted to leave:

“What happened? Why is he like that? What the fuck happened?”

She seemed to hesitate, and, for a second, Richie thought that she might tell him everything. But she finally shook her head, answering back with a determinate tone:

“This is between Edward and me. I spent months building our relationship and making sure that he would trust me. I’m not going to waste it all right now. I’m sorry, Richard.”

Richie knew it. He knew how important it was for Dr. Park to respect Eddie’s wishes, especially regarding confidentiality. He would hate it if Dr. Norton started to spill out stuff he wanted to keep private to Eddie or anyone else in his life. Still… It hurt, feeling so powerless.

“What can I do? What the fuck can I do to help him?”

Dr. Park smiled at him, definitely not a happy smile. She combed her hair with her fingers, while telling Richie:

“I can’t tell you what it’s all about. But you should be there for him. Leave him his space, but remind him that he can talk to you or your friend and roommate, Mike. As much as possible. Don’t try to force a confession out of him. It would only make things worse. Just...”

She thought about it for a second, before adding with a gentle tone:

“Remind him that you love him, alright?”

Richie was definitely stunned when Dr. Park left. He wobbled back to their bedroom, curling up next to Eddie, who was trying to make himself so small that Richie was sure that his body would hurt once he’d wake up. He cautiously started to caress his hair, feeling reassured when he noticed that Eddie’s whole body started to relax. Kissing him on the forehead, Richie whispered to his boyfriend, as if he could hear him:

“I love you, Eddie. I love you so much. You can tell me everything.”

But it was up to him to talk. And if he didn’t… Richie had no idea what he was supposed to do. How he could help. He felt so… useless. So fucking useless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eddie's not really doing fine. Then again, his therapy sessions tend to be quite intense, so maybe it's just what it is. You'll know more about it all in the next chapters.
> 
> I started this chapter with only one idea in mind: Greta telling Richie that she would try going back to see her father, see if he'd really do what he threatened her off. Their dynamic is actually quite easy to write. It was really interesting to do so, I hope you liked it c:. 
> 
> Don't hesitate to let me know what you thought of this chapter! I'd really like to see what you think Eddie mentioned during his therapy session c:. You can leave a comment if you feel like it. You can also leave a kudos and/or subscribe to this story and the series, if you want to.
> 
> Thank you for your attention! Have a nice day, take care and see you soon!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! My leg is itchy as f*ck, the burn healing slowly, and I'm managing (well, I'm not, but I'm trying xD). Writing helps to keep me busy, so that I won't scratch it (I can't stop picking at my skin, it's awful). 
> 
> Thank you all for your support and for still being there after all this time! I hope you'll like this chapter. Here are the TW for this one:
> 
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for ableism  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of emetophobia  
> TW for mention of infantilization
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Eddie couldn’t help it. He was looking forward to their trip, which would allow him to see Bill again, as well as Beverly and Ben, who weren’t living too far. On top of that, Eddie would be able to finally bid his farewell to his mother, hoping that it’ll help him to move on. But to do so, they would have to fly on a plane, and Eddie never traveled that way before.

He knew that he could handle a road trip, but flying? On a plane? Eddie shivered at the thought. How could Mike and Richie feel so relaxed when they knew very well that they would board on this deadly machine? If Eddie didn’t die from a crash, his brain would leak from his ears when the plane would take off. He knew it. He was absolutely sure of it, no matter what his friend and his partner told him repeatedly.

Richie and Mike weren’t able to ease his fears. They kept telling him that it would be okay, but Eddie couldn’t believe them. Planes crashed. It happened. And it would happen again, when they were all on board. Eddie obsessed over this idea, the fear following him into his dreams, turning them into nightmares.

That’s why he was seeing Dr. Park again, although their last session had taken place not so long ago. Eddie needed his therapist to get him, since Mike and Richie definitely seemed unable to do so. And it wasn’t the only thing he would ask of her… But first, the trip. While Mike was working and Richie was out of their flat to respect his privacy, Eddie and Dr. Park were in his bedroom, as usual.

Eddie was hugging his bear tightly, rocking nervously on his bed, while Dr. Park was looking at him with a gentle smile, as if there was absolutely nothing to worry about. Why were they all so tranquil? Eddie, Mike, and Richie were about to fly and crash to their death, for fuck’s sake! Eddie whined frustratingly, biting his plush’s ear anxiously.

“It must be pretty scary, this upcoming trip. You’re definitely not the first person I come across who is afraid of doing such a thing. And not just my patients.”

Eddie glanced at her, nibbling on his teddy bear, nodding quietly. It was scary, for sure. Eddie felt like he was dying every time he was thinking about it. And he was frustrated to be the only one to realize how dangerous it was. Richie and Mike kept trying to reassure him, but Dr. Park actually acknowledged his fear, making him aware of the fact that other people felt the same.

He didn’t want to scream out of exasperation, nor did he felt the need to cover his ears, so that he wouldn’t hear the same words again and again. How could they be so sure that it would be all okay? How could they know that?

“I get worried too when I’m on the plane. Being seated near the airplane window helps me to forget about my concerns, because it’s just so pretty and fascinating out there. I flew plenty of times, and I’m still here, talking to you.”

Eddie bit his bottom lip. Reaching for his lightwriter, he typed on it quickly, his rocking getting more intense:

“ _But what about next time? Next time, you could die. Richie might die. We all might die. And everyone keeps telling me that it won’t happen, but they don’t know that!”_

Dr. Park adjusted her glasses, nodding at Eddie’s words:

“They don’t know. I never know either when I’m getting on a plane if I’m going to be okay. I like to think it’s the case, because there are far less airplanes crashing down than car accidents, for example. But I get you, Edward. You can never be sure.”

Eddie whined anxiously, sliding his fingers between his lips. He was right! He was right, and they would die! They…

“You can’t be sure that it will be okay. But you can’t know either that it won’t be. They think that you’re going to be okay. You think that it’s not the case. Why should you be right? Why can’t you be the one in the wrong?”

Eddie shook his head, typing almost furiously on his lightwriter with his free hand, starting to bite slightly on his fingers:

“ _If I’m wrong, then we won’t die. If they’re wrong, it’s all over. It’s better not to risk it. Why can’t anyone understand that? It’s simple, it’s logical!”_

“You took a leap of faith when you confessed your feelings to Richie. You knew how badly it could turn, you were very aware of it. Actually, you were pretty sure that you didn’t stand a chance. And yet, you decided to do it. What’s so different here?”

Eddie was about to answer something, but he found himself at a loss for words. He stopped biting, sucking on his painful flesh, thoughtful. What was so different indeed? He knew that Richie might not love him. That he could reject him, end their friendship, if Eddie told him about his feelings. And yet, he did. And before that, he agreed to jump from the cliff they were on, despite how dangerous it was.

Why? Because it was worth it. It was so freaking worth it. Still… Eddie couldn’t shake off his fear so easily. He never went on a plane. His mom told him so many things about them, he couldn’t differentiate her lies from the truth. He was afraid that Mike and Richie would be hurt and die, more than himself. That he would find himself all alone, in this scary world…

Lowering his stare, he asked Dr. Park, almost shamefully:

“ _If the plane crashes down, what are our chances of survival?”_

Eddie didn’t look at her. He couldn’t find the strength to do so. It was just so frightening, imagining a world where Richie and Mike wouldn’t be there with him… And that’s what he kept seeing. But leaving them behind would be equally devastating. Richie would be distraught, if Eddie died. He knew it.

His therapist sighed, pondering on her words, before she decided to answer honestly, knowing that Eddie trusted her to do so:

“Plane crashes are pretty rare, all things considered, but they’re deadly. Most of the time, everyone’s dead. No one survives.”

Eddie knew that it was awful for him to think like this, but this idea reassured him. He’d rather die with Richie and Mike than to outlive them. He didn’t want to hear that they’d be okay, that the trip would go just fine. He needed to be sure that he wouldn’t be left on his own, if things turned sour. He didn’t realize it before, but that’s what he needed to be told. If the plane crashed, then they would die. Simple enough. And if it didn’t, then they’d see Bill, Audra, Bev, and Ben, and it would be just fine.

Although that uncertainty was cleared out, there was still the matter of his mother’s warnings. Eddie knew that he shouldn’t trust her, but he couldn’t help it. The fear was there, deep-seated in his guts, and he couldn’t make it go away, no matter how hard he tried.

Confessing to his therapist, he expected her to repeat Richie and Mike’s words, that none of that would happen, that he’d be just fine, but Dr. Park knew better than that. She was aware that Eddie needed something concrete to look forward to, recommendations, guidelines. With a reassuring smile, she explained to him:

“Well, you definitely don’t have to worry that your brain might leak from your ears or something like that. That’s horror movie stuff, it’s not going to happen in real life. You might experience pain in your eardrums, though. It’s pretty common, especially when the plane is taking off or about to land. And you might also get motion sickness. But we can already see how we can try to prevent all of that from happening, alright?”

Eddie nodded energetically. He relaxed his grip on his bear, scooting closer to his therapist, who handed him a small book, filled with tips for handling a plane trip, before, during, and after the fly. The first pages explained shortly how a plane could fly, showing that there was nothing but concrete science about it, while the rest demonstrated how to prepare for what was to come.

Dr. Park flipped a few pages, touching a line with her index finger:

“See? Here, it says that you could suck on a lollipop or chew gum, during take-off and landing. It usually helps. And for nausea, it definitely helps if you’re eating lightly the day before and if you avoid reading during the trip. And if it’s not enough, there’s still medication that you can t...”

Eddie let out a protesting whine, shaking his head vigorously and typing on his lightwriter:

“ _No meds! Not sick! I don’t need medicine!”_

Dr. Park seemed taken aback by his outburst, but she quickly came back to her senses, proceeding to reassure him:

“It’s up to you, Edward. If you’re really feeling bad, you can take a pill, but you don’t have to. If you do, you might experience drowsiness and probably sleep through the whole plane trip, but aside from that...”

Eddie shivered at the thought. He didn’t know exactly what his mom gave him the day they left Derry, but he had been unable to stay awake and fell asleep, at his mother’s mercy. He had failed to say goodbye to his friends or try to escape. Eddie thought he’d never see Richie and the Losers ever again, after that.

So, no, he wouldn’t take this medication. He’d rather get sick and throw up than to risk waking up all alone again…

“ _I don’t want to.”_

“Then you won’t, Edward. I told you, it’s your choice. No one will force you to do otherwise.”

Her words reassured him. Eddie had been so used to people deciding stuff for him that, even to this day, he had trouble believing that he definitely had agency and control over his life. Richie and Mike weren’t like his mother. They wouldn’t make him swallow those pills if Eddie didn’t wish to. Even when his cheek was healing, Richie made sure that Eddie would agree to take his medicine, which he relented to do because he wanted to be cured and feel better as quickly as possible. He would handle motion sickness if he were to experience it, Eddie knew it…

Dr. Park didn’t just talk to him about being on the plane, but also about what would happen before. Eddie was reassured to know that, given his disability, they would be guided throughout the whole procedure and would be able to skip most of the procedures the other travelers had to handle. And if they didn’t, Eddie wouldn’t have to do them in an unbearable ruckus, at least…

The flight attendants would be informed, if that’s what he wanted, and would make sure that he felt alright and that his needs were met. Eddie definitely wanted them to know. The last thing he wished for was to start having a meltdown during a flight, while most people around were totally oblivious, unable to understand why he was acting that way…

“Take off and landing are the hardest parts to handle. It can be very intense and scary, especially if you’re not used to it. But once the plane is in the air, then you don’t even feel that you’re flying. There might be some turbulence, which means that you might feel the plane shaking a little, but the staff on board is trained for this kind of situation, and they’ll take extra care of you to make sure that you’re okay.”

Eddie nodded, the tension in his body almost entirely gone. Clearing the doubts in his mind, it really helped. Now, Eddie had a clear picture of what might happen. It was still scary, sure, but Eddie knew what he would experience, and it was definitely making him less anxious. Plus, he knew that he could rely on Richie and Mike, as well as the staff during the trip.

“Do you have other questions about this trip? Is there something you’d like to talk about?”

Eddie bit his bottom lip at his therapist’s words. There was definitely stuff he needed to bring up to her, but he wasn’t sure he should. The last time he saw her, Eddie did mention Tate and Myra, but he stayed pretty vague about it, only letting her know how happy he was to have a new friend and to be able to see Tate again.

But he couldn’t stop thinking about his words. About his past and Myra’s. They only had each other. Their parents didn’t want Tate, not like he was. And… And Myra was so supportive of her brother whenever he tried to talk, even if it was far from perfect, even if he was struggling with it. At least, he was trying. But Eddie… Eddie wasn’t. And even if Richie told him again and again that it was okay, maybe he was just trying to be nice to him? Perhaps was he thinking otherwise?

Eddie had no way to know. But the idea of losing Richie, Mike, his folks was too terrifying not to take a step and try something. He gulped, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I want to learn how to talk. Teach me.”_

Dr. Park raised an eyebrow at his words, visibly surprised and disconcerted, before composing a more neutral expression on her face, clearing her throat.

“You already know how to talk, Edward.”

Eddie groaned at her answer. Of course, he knew! He could use his lightwriter, the signs he managed to learn, but that wasn’t what he was asking, and she knew it! Why was she pretending not to understand?

“ _Not verbally. I want to learn how to talk using my mouth and my vocal cords. I need to.”_

Eddie whined distressingly, curling up on himself at the thought of being left all alone, just like Tate and Myra’s parents gave up on them. It would be his fault if Richie, Mike, and everyone else left him behind. Because he didn’t even _try._ Eddie slammed his hands on his temples at the thought, digging his nails in his scalp. He didn’t like this idea. He hated it, actually.

Dr. Park attempted to calm him down, before asking him cautiously, aware that the subject was sensitive:

“Why so suddenly, Edward? You never expressed this wish before.”

Eddie hesitated for a second. He could tell her everything, about Tate, about Myra. She’d understand, right? Or she would say to him that it wouldn’t help, that they would love him regardless, and that wasn’t what Eddie wanted to hear. He needed to be prepared. To feel ready if it were to happen.

“ _I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to learn. Can you help me?”_

Eddie was afraid that she might dismiss his wish, but she didn’t. Dr. Park sighed, informing her patient with a regretful smile:

“I told you already, Edward, you’re the one who decides what will happen during our sessions. If you want me to teach you how to talk verbally, then I have to. I’m not a speech therapist, but if that’s really your wish, I might be able to help you recover a few words...”

She reached for Eddie’s white slate, writing on it. She glanced back at him, asking with a hopeful tone:

“You’re really sure you don’t want to talk more about it? I won’t judge you, Edward. You can tell me anything.”

He knew that. Eddie knew that. And yet, he couldn’t. He knew that he had to learn, even just a few words like Tate. If he tried again and again and again, Richie wouldn’t think that he was a quitter, that he wasn’t worth the effort. And if he managed to do it, his partner would be happy, right? Just like Myra was!

Eddie let out a determined noise, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _No, I won’t talk about it. I just want to learn. Teach me. Please.”_

Dr. Park seemed reluctant to do it, but she finally obliged, showing Eddie his slate. She had written a word on it, a simple word: eat.

“Fine. Let’s start with that, then, alright? Let me hear first how you would pronounce it. Take the time you need. We’re not in a hurry.”

Eddie nodded. Eat. It should be easy. Eat. And yet, when he tried first to pronounce it, he only managed to articulate the first part of the word. The “T” was completely left out, as if the letter was blocked in his throat. Eddie tried again, once, twice, thrice, but he couldn’t do it. The third time, he managed to enunciate the “T”, but it sounded more like he was swallowing his own breath than really pronouncing it. The first part of the word was unnaturally elongated and, he knew it, it was utterly ridiculous.

“You’re getting there, Edward. Let’s try again, shall we?”

His fourth try was even worse than the previous one. He actually swallowed his own saliva and almost choked on it, surprised by the feeling in his mouth. Eddie punched the mattress with his tight fists, a frustrated exclamation slipping past his lips. Why was it so hard? Why couldn’t he do it? It was so fucking simple! Eat, eat, eat!

Hugging himself, he dug his fingernails in his arms, clawing the skin violently. Dr. Park immediately stopped him, holding his hands in hers to prevent him from drawing blood, moving them up and down slowly and gently:

“Breathe, Edward. Breathe. If trying to learn how to talk makes you so upset, then I can’t reasonably teach you anymore. My priority is to help you recover from your traumatic past, not to teach you how to communicate verbally.”

Eddie whined pitifully. His arms hurt, and he could see that the skin was red. He dug too hard, too strong, as he often tended to do when he resorted to self-harm out of anxiety and fear. He was upset, but… but he needed to learn. If he could, Richie wouldn’t have any reason to leave him behind. Neither Mike, the Losers or Went, and Maggie…

He accomplished diligently the meditation techniques his therapist guided him to do, knowing how important it was for him to calm down. If he felt better, she would keep teaching him. He needed it. Once he was definitely more relaxed, Dr. Park let go of his hands, apologizing gently for touching him without asking him first. Eddie nodded, knowing that she wanted to prevent him from hurting himself. Richie and Mike would do the same, when things went sour, when Eddie couldn’t control himself anymore. He trusted them to do so. He entrusted Dr. Park with that as well.

“What do you want to do, Edward? I’d advise you to steer away from this exercise as of now, given your state of mind...”

Eddie shook his head. He wouldn’t feel satisfied if he didn’t manage to articulate a single word. Maybe the story Dr. Park picked up for him wasn’t the right one. He didn’t have a particular incentive to be able to say “eat” out loud. He could always sign it or use his lightwriter, it didn’t matter. But there were a few words Eddie really wanted to learn to tell verbally, so that Richie would still love him, no matter what.

“ _Richie. I want to learn how to say “Richie”. Teach me.”_

More often than not, Eddie couldn’t quite read Dr. Park’s expression, but he knew right now that she wasn’t sure that he could pull it off. Swallowing his hurt pride and feelings, he added, typing energetically on his lightwriter, humming anxiously:

“ _I can do it! I can! If it’s about Richie, then I can do anything! I’ll learn to say his name, and he’ll be happy! But he can’t know! He can’t!”_

Eddie shared too much, but he couldn’t care less at the moment. He only thought about Richie, the smile on his face when Eddie would finally be able to enunciate his name properly, just like Myra’s smile… His mind was intensely focused on this objective, and Dr. Park’s hesitation definitely frustrated him:

“Edward, is it about Richard? This sudden wish to talk verbally?”

Eddie groaned, agitating his legs. He grabbed his pillow and threw it across the room in a nervous motion, answering stubbornly:

“ _I don’t want to talk about that! And don’t talk to him about it either! I want to learn! Teach me!”_

“Not if you’re not getting calmer, Edward. You’re angry, and it won’t help. You...”

“ _I want to learn! I want to!”_

Eddie whined, getting up from his bed and pacing around, unable to relax. How could he, when he knew what he needed to do and couldn’t? Dr. Park wasn’t helping, not until he was appeased, and Eddie was pissed off, and he couldn’t… he couldn’t!

“...iiie! Iiie!”

Eddie didn’t remember exactly when he stopped talking verbally, but since then, he had been unable to articulate most sounds. Anything past a simple whine was out of bounds. Eddie could feel the words in his mind, in his throat, right there, just there, but he couldn’t get them out! They didn’t sound like in his brain, they didn’t come out! And they had to! They had to!

“Iiie! Iiie!”

Richie… He just had to say Richie, for fuck’s sake! Richie, Richie, Richie! He loved him, and he couldn’t even do that for him! Eddie screamed, throwing on the ground or across the room everything that he could get his hands onto. Their clothes, their sheets, his teddy bear… He was even about to throw his lightwriter, but Dr. Park prevented him, putting the object away, attempting to calm him down without restraining him. 

“Edward, look at me and only at me. Breathe, deeply, slowly. If you want to do it, I can help you. These things take time, you can’t just get it right on the first try, it doesn’t work like that!”

But Eddie was too far gone to listen to reason. He kept trying to say Richie’s name in vain, but soon, another sound slipped past his lips, while his confused brain was trying to make sense of the mess in Eddie’s head:

“Mo! Mo!”

He wanted to talk verbally for Richie. Richie said he didn’t care, as long as Eddie was happy. Tate’s parents abandoned him because he didn’t speak. His sister was so proud of him when he tried and managed to do it. But mommy… Mommy, she wanted a nice boy. Nice boys weren’t screaming and disobeying. They were quiet and obedient, and mommies loved nice boys. They didn’t love bad boys. Eddie was being bad.

The more his brain was attempting to find sense in the panic and frustration he was experiencing, the less Eddie could actually understand what was going on, what he should do. Talk. Not talk. Not be bad. No, he wasn’t bad, it wasn’t about that, he… Richie… Mommy… 

His wild agitation quieted down, Dr. Park helping him into a rocking movement. Eddie didn’t even realize that, in his anger and trapped by his sensitivity, he attempted to take off his clothes, ripping off his t-shirt, his jeans down around his calves. It hurt. The tissue, the fabric, it hurt. Dr. Park’s hands, it hurt. Eddie whined pitifully, contorting himself, trying to escape the touch that was so painful, so hurtful. 

Thankfully for him, Dr. Park seemed to understand his predicament, gently letting go, allowing him to sit on the ground. Eddie kicked his legs weakly to get rid of his pants entirely, before curling up on himself, calling for his mommy. She would help. She would know what to do. If he had been bad, she would punish him, and everything would be okay. Everything would be fine. 

Dr. Park was talking, but he couldn’t understand her words. His gaze foggy, Eddie was trapped in his past and his confused mind, not knowing what to do with the contradictory injunctions that were clouding his brain. Talk. Don’t talk. Get up. Stay down. Richie. Mommy. Richie. Mommy. He had been bad. No, he wasn’t. He should be punished. No, he didn’t deserve it. Yes, he did. He wanted Richie. He wanted his mommy. He… he…

Calling for his mom, again and again, Eddie finally went silent, tears rolling down his cheeks, sniffling helplessly, rocking slowly to provide himself some comfort. Dr. Park was still talking, but her words were hurting his ears, and he didn’t get them. Her hand, it hurt too when she touched him. Eddie would scream and crawl away whenever she tried to, getting closer and closer to the bed. 

At first, he didn’t realize who was in front of him. Maybe his mother? He called for her once again, but the hand on his skin, it wasn’t his mom’s. Eddie couldn’t escape his mommy’s embrace. She knew what was best for him, and she wouldn’t let go if Eddie tried to get away. But as soon as Eddie screeched and crawled away, the painful feeling disappeared, only a faint feeling lingering where he had been touched.

He wanted his mommy. He needed his mommy. He didn’t know what to do, because he was stupid, and she would. She’d tell him that he was bad and she would punish him. If Eddie was hiding under the bed, she would find him. She always found him. She pulled him out and punished him, and everything was back in order. Because she knew everything and he didn’t. He was stupid. He was stupid, and he was bad, and he shouldn’t talk because he couldn’t. He should stay quiet and keep his thoughts to himself and be nice. 

Mommy! Where was his mommy? Where was she? Mommy! Eddie was calling for her, again and again, his voice breaking on the whine he was producing desperately. And then, he saw them. Those fingers. This hand. For some unknown reason at the moment, Eddie too confused to remember it all, he felt compelled to grab them and suck on them. And he did, his screaming coming to a halt, Eddie moaning weakly while he was attempting to find comfort in the gesture.

He couldn’t stop himself, tears rolling down his cheeks, sniffling here and there. Eddie’s saliva was coating Richie’s fingers, his teeth scraping the skin at some point, but he didn’t realize it, unable to focus anything else than on the sensation in his mouth. His brain had been overloaded, and it left Eddie in a dazed state, relying on his feelings only, unable to make sense of the situation or his thoughts.

He wasn’t even sure where he was supposed to be or how old he was. He just knew that he was his mommy’s Eddie bear and that he had to be good. Not bad. Not a bad boy. While those words were repeating themselves in his head, a curious sensation caught his attention, almost forcing it to focus on it. It was soft. So soft and sweet and pleasing. Eddie pulled one of his hands from Richie’s wrist, caressing the… fur? 

Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed slightly at the thought. This feeling, he couldn’t mistake it for anything else: it was his cat. It was Gnocchi. Their pet. His mommy never allowed him to have a pet, he… he was with Richie and… and Dr. Park… and…

Confusing. It was all so confusing. And Eddie was so, so tired… It was like he hadn’t slept in days, although he knew that it wasn’t true. His throat hurt a bit, and his whole body was aching and shivering. He was sweaty, gross, all those things he couldn’t bear at the moment. But he couldn’t get up, he couldn’t take a shower, he… he was so, so tired. 

Sucking on Richie’s fingers, caressing Gnocchi’s fur, Eddie felt his eyelids fluttering. He was so tired, but… but he shouldn’t sleep, because… because if he slept… Richie… He wouldn’t… He wouldn’t see him… again…

But Eddie was too exhausted to resist. Soon enough, he closed his eyes entirely, and his mind went somewhere else, a snore slipping past his lips. He didn’t realize that Richie put him to bed, with his teddy bear’s comfort. He wasn’t aware that his boyfriend was now lying down next to him, caressing his hair, helping him to relax while his current nightmare, a fragment of his past, was making him feel small, so, so small…

No, Eddie didn’t know all of that. He could only dream, dream about his mother, about Richie leaving him behind, his friends and family turning his back on him. Alone. He was alone. Because he was… Because he was Eddie. And he couldn’t be more. Even if he tried really hard. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eddie's having a hard time and he hasn't quite processed it all yet, unfortunately. He just wants to be sure that he'll be loved forever and he doesn't know how to do that, how to make sure. He needs to know what will happen, what to expect, but he can't be entirely sure, so he's relying on unhealthy coping techniques to try to help, but it doesn't. 
> 
> Dr. Park will have to work so that he'll open up, either to her, Richie or Mike. As for now, he's too scared to dare to do it. 
> 
> It was quite intense to write. I definitely need some rest right now. 
> 
> I hope you liked it c:. Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I love all the interactions I get to have with you! You can also leave a kudos and/or subscribe to the story and/or series if you feel like it!
> 
> Have a nice day! See you soon!


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you're doing okay c:. Here's the 28th chapter of this fanfic! I almost fell asleep on my keyboard at some point, but I managed to write it all x). I hope you'll like it! 
> 
> Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for internalized homophobia  
> TW for mention of abuse
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Richie didn’t know what to expect when Eddie woke up this morning. He had slept through the rest of the afternoon, the evening, and the night, only opening his eyes as of now. Richie knew that very well because he stayed awake most of the time, watching over his boyfriend, making sure that he wasn’t hurting himself in his sleep. He caressed his hair, kissed his soft skin, listened to the sound of his snoring, every little thing reminding him that Eddie was there and that he could help him.

He wondered how many times Eddie fell asleep all alone, in his mother’s flat, only able to find comfort in her wicked presence. How many times he woke up with the taste of blood in his mouth, biting on his fingers again and again. But not anymore. Richie was here. He would always be there for his boyfriend.

Richie was going to spend the whole day with Eddie. No way he’d leave him on his own after what happened… He took a day off, Samantha being thankfully understanding, and was currently helping Eddie to the bathroom, whispering sweet nothings to his ear, hoping to make him smile. But Eddie wasn’t really expressive as of now. He seemed so… far away. Blinking and unmoving, he was staring at Richie, who was waiting on him to take off his clothes.

Richie caressed his cheek, reminding him softly:

“Eds, I know you can undress. Can you give it a try? I’ll do it with you.”

Richie started to take off his own shirt, waiting for Eddie to do the same. Slowly, very slowly, his partner began to do the same, visibly struggling. Every motion seemed to be an excruciating effort, as if he was currently stuck in quicksand, his whole body impaired. Richie could still see a faint red line over his partner’s arms, right where he must have scratched so violently the day before. Seeing him struggling far too long with his pants, Richie offered to help, letting him know with a smile:

“You only needed a hand at the end, you managed the rest just fine. I knew it.”

Richie kissed his forehead, taking off the rest of his clothes, leading Eddie to the shower cabin. His partner was pliant, following his every move. Richie could see that he was trying to stay as close as possible to him, as if Eddie was scared that he might vanish. Richie squeezed his hand, raising it up to his face and brushing it with his lips:

“I’m not going anywhere, Eds. Mike and I are staying for the day, and I definitely intend on pampering you, my cute horny bunny.”

Richie was hoping to make him react with his ridiculous nickname, but Eddie barely acknowledged it, only nodding, swaying slightly on his feet. Richie refrained from sighing, not wanting to make Eddie think that he was “bad”, if he was still in this state of mind. It was hard to gauge Eddie’s current thought process, he mostly seemed tired, despite how long he previously slept. So far, he hadn’t really tried to interact, and Richie wasn’t sure that it would change so quickly…

Noticing Eddie’s inactivity, Richie resorted to washing him, his boyfriend resting his head against his chest and humming while he was taking care of him. At least, he had a reaction, right? It was better than nothing…

Once they were all cleaned, Richie guided Eddie into putting his clothes for the day on, helping him with the buttons. Mike was waiting for them in the living room, preparing their breakfast. When he noticed Eddie’s state and Richie’s endlessly increasing worry, Mike insisted on taking a day off as well, flicking his friend on the forehead when Richie tried to convince him otherwise, telling him that he could handle it. Eddie was his friend too, and Mike wanted to help. Besides, Richie really needed to remember that he wasn’t alone and that he could count on them as well…

The table was all set when Eddie and Richie arrived. Richie saluted Mike and Mike did the same, but Eddie remained silent, his lightwriter bouncing lightly against his chest, unused as of now. Richie couldn’t tell if his boyfriend wasn’t able to use it, as it could sometimes happen during his episodes, or if he just didn’t feel like talking. It happened too.

But that wouldn’t prevent Richie and Mike from trying to get him out of this state, again and again. Eddie needed to know that they were there and that he could rely on them at all times, if he wanted to. He wouldn’t have to call his mother again, so desperately… Richie shivered at the thought. He knew that it was part of Eddie’s trauma, but he still hated how much his partner’s brain kept trying to convince him that the woman who hurt him so much was his salvation nonetheless.

Richie was infinitely relieved that Gnocchi’s contact managed to calm him down and appease him until he was asleep, but he doubted that their cat would be enough. Eddie had a problem, and Richie needed to figure out how to help, how to get him to talk. A bit ironic, given how much Eddie complained about the fact that his friends weren’t communicating about their issues… Richie gulped at the thought that he might only reproduce their own behavior, when he should definitely be able to unload his tormented mind.

As soon as Richie sat on his chair, Eddie took place on his knees, resting his head in the crook of his neck. Richie and Mike shared a quick glance, but none of them attempted to get him to sit anywhere else, knowing that Eddie most likely needed the comfort provided. Richie caressed his hair gently, raising Eddie’s head slightly, his index finger under his chin:

“Mike prepared us a full breakfast, pretty neat! Do you want hot chocolate, Eddie Spaghetti?”

It took him a long time to nod, but Richie was satisfied nonetheless. Alright, keeping it simple as of now. If Eddie was at least able to communicate that way, it only seemed logical to encourage him. Richie, on the other hand, definitely needed some coffee. The bitter taste helped him to clear his mind, allowing him to think about it all more reasonably.

Eating their breakfast like that wasn’t easy, but they managed, waiting for their turn to drink, Eddie remaining as still as possible on Richie’s knees. At some point, his boyfriend decided he had enough and hid his face against Richie’s chest, curling up slightly on him. Bouncing him up gently on his knees, hoping that the stimmy motion would help him to feel better, Richie thanked Mike for staying and providing them with this breakfast, Mike smiling at his words:

“Anytime, Richie. I missed those moments with you. We can’t eat together as much as before.”

Richie and Mike were usually eating at their workplace, not really having the time to come home and feel rested enough for the afternoon. They generally prepared a plate for Eddie, that he just had to warm up whenever he’d start to feel hungry. As for breakfast, they tried to eat it together as much as they could, but it wasn’t always possible. Richie could start very early sometimes, and he didn’t want to wake up Eddie when it happened. When Eddie overslept, which occurred here and there, he couldn’t eat with Mike, who had to go to work at some point.

But right now, they were together and could take all the time they needed. Caressing Eddie’s hair, Richie kissed the top of his head, whispering to his boyfriend how much he loved him. Eddie didn’t attempt to answer, but he did grab Richie’s clothes in his hands, tightening them into a fist. It was probably his way of saying it back, at the moment…

“Audra called me yesterday.”

Richie raised his head towards Mike at his words, a curious expression on his face. Since his birthday, he had barely interacted with Bill, let alone Audra. But maybe it was different for Mike?

“She’s okay?”

Mike nodded, taking a sip of his mug. He put it down, sighing slightly:

“Yeah, she wanted to know if we had everything ready for our upcoming trip. If Eddie was okay.”

Richie gave a quick glance at Eddie, but he still hadn’t reacted. He was currently chewing on his fingers, his gaze definitely hazy. Richie caressed his cheek, getting him to relax his jaw, while he was asking Mike:

“And what did you say?”

Mike shrugged. Richie trusted him not to share details on Eddie’s current state without his explicit consent, but he just needed to make sure.

“That we were ready and happy to see them again. I didn’t say much more. Our conversation didn’t last very long.”

Mike was about to add something else, but he seemed to decide against it, and Richie didn’t press the issue, even though it started to frustrate him a little bit. Eddie was right: if they all talked, things would be much simpler. But his partner was barely communicating at the moment, and Richie didn’t want to upset Mike, insisting that he should say what was on his mind. Maybe it was about Bill. Perhaps he just needed time to process it all.

Richie dropped the subject, talking instead about the few ideas he had for a skit he’d like to perform on stage. His conversation about it with Samantha inspired him, and he wanted to write about the bullying he went through and the awkward teenager he used to be. If he could make it at least a bit funny and give something to think for his audience, then Richie would consider it a success.

Mike seemed genuinely interested, but he couldn’t help him much on the subject, as he reminded him with a sad smile:

“I never went to school with you guys. You’d probably be better off asking everyone else for a few fun stories and stuff. But I think it could be good. It’s definitely a heavy subject, but maybe it’s for the best.”

Richie nodded at Mike’s words, hugging Eddie tightly:

“I don’t want to make people laugh without thinking. If I can, I want them to take away something from my text. I know it’s just an open-mic stage in a pub, but it’s already a lot for me. I just hope I’ll be able to do it.”

Mike was about to add something, but Eddie let out a soft moan and, slowly but surely, attempted to type on his lightwriter, managing to say:

“ _You can. Believe in you.”_

Richie wasn’t expecting Eddie to communicate so soon, but he did. He did so, because he wanted to comfort him and show him that he trusted him. Richie felt his heart swelling at the thought. He thanked his boyfriend, kissing him on the forehead, but Eddie was already back to daydreaming, staring ahead, as if there was something worth of interest to see on the wall.

It visibly asked him a lot, putting his thoughts into words, using the lightwriter to communicate. Richie was more than willing to be patient, especially after what Eddie went through the day before. When they finished their breakfast, Richie attempted to get up, but Eddie had wrapped his arms and legs around him, preventing him from doing so. Richie had to tell him that he would hug him like that on the couch, once they’d clear the table and brush their teeth, but Eddie still insisted on holding onto his hand, following his every step.

Any other day, Richie might have found that adorable, but right now, it only reminded him of Eddie’s first days back in Derry and how he kept following him around, like a duckling with its mother. Whatever was going on in Eddie’s mind, it wasn’t pretty, and it definitely involved the fear of losing Richie. He indulged his boyfriend, knowing that Eddie needed that at the moment, not wanting to trigger a panic reaction. If Richie heard him calling for his mom again, he would definitely break down…

Eddie managed to brush his teeth all alone, following Richie back to their living-room, tightening his grip on his hand every now and then. It almost hurt, but Richie didn’t say a word. It was most likely that Eddie would start apologizing and think that he was “bad”, if he managed to communicate it all. If not, then he’d probably get frustrated really quickly and began to hurt himself… Eddie needed to rest and relax, not to get even more stressed than he already was.

Richie sat down on the couch, opening his arms for Eddie. Eddie opted to hug him as he did on the chair, wrapping his arms and his legs around him, as if to ensure that he wouldn’t go anywhere without carrying him around. He patted Eddie’s head softly, calling for Mike, who was back from the bathroom:

“Look, Mike, I have my own personal koala!”

Mike arrived and chuckled at the sight of his friends, shaking his head with a smile.

“I hope you don’t plan on moving for the rest of the day. I’m guessing you intend to stay like that as much as possible, Eddie?”

Eddie nodded, and Richie put on an exaggerated grimace, caressing his boyfriend’s hair.

“Well, I guess I’ll just have to take you with me everywhere. You won’t just be my koala, you’ll also be my purse. The sexiest purse I’ve ever met.”

Richie managed to make Eddie chuckle and snort, and it warmed up his heart. If Eddie was still able to laugh, it was definitely a good sign… Adjusting his boyfriend’s position so that he’d be able to see their T.V. screen, Richie offered to play on their console, entrusting Mike with the controller:

“I can’t really hold it in this position. And if I have to choose between hugging my koala purse and a video game, you know very well what I’m going to pick.”

Mike graciously accepted this “responsibility”, putting on a platform game. Richie gave him a few tips distractedly, focusing most of his attention on Eddie. He was doing his utmost to resist the temptation of interrogating him again and again, trying to get the truth out of him. Why did he react so violently to his therapy session? Did he really think that Richie didn’t love him?

From what Dr. Park said before she left, that was the only thing he had been able to theorize, and it made him feel terribly uneasy. Was it possible that he did or say something that caused Eddie to doubt so much? Was it his fault? Was Eddie still thinking about it, obsessing over something that definitely didn’t mean as much for Richie than it did for him?

But Eddie was in no state to answer as of now and, as Dr. Park told him, insisting too much might actually make things worse. But if Eddie was still like that tomorrow and after that? What was Richie supposed to do? How could he help? How could he get him to trust him and share his thoughts, when Eddie was barely interacting? He communicated here and there, but nowhere near as he usually did.

It was only a day, but Richie missed hearing non-stop his bossy whines, the robotic voice coming from his lightwriter, how expressive he could be at all times. He just wanted to help him feel better… But how? For now, he could only hope that he and Mike would manage to distract him a bit from his thoughts, pulling him out step by step from his current state of mind.

They spent most of the morning playing, Mike being actually fairly good at this kind of game. At some point, Eddie, probably feeling tired and hurt by his posture, switched to lying down, resting his head on Richie’s knees. Gnocchi climbed on his stomach, and he immediately caressed her, while Richie was brushing his hair softly. A thought crossed his mind, and he winked at Eddie, letting him know with a smile:

“We’re both taking care of our cat. You with Gnocchi, me with Eddie Kitty. Can you purr for me, Eddie Kitty?”

Richie was hoping to make him laugh or groan, but Eddie merely shook his head, as if he couldn’t perceive the humorous tone in Richie’s voice. Or maybe he wasn’t very funny, who’s to say? At least, Eddie seemed to find some comfort in petting Gnocchi, the cat meowing every time he tried to stop. Gnocchi’s antics managed to get a laugh out of him, and Richie’s ego might have suffered a bit. Not like he cared much, as long as Eddie was feeling better…

He was definitely more lively when the time came for them to eat their lunch, still insisting on sitting on Richie’s knees. He was moving a lot more, making it harder for both of them to eat, and he actually started to communicate, although he only typed a few words at a time and was definitely slower than usual.

“ _Want to see your skit.”_

“You’ll be the first to see me performing it when it’s written, Eds!”

“I hope you don’t intend to let me out of it, Richie.” Mike smiled, drinking from his glass. “If I can’t roast you, then what’s the point?”

Richie gasped exaggeratedly, managing to get Eddie to chuckle.

“And here I am, hoping to have a supportive friend, but you only want to see me suffer! Oh, the tragedy! Help me, Edward Kaspbrak, you’re my only hope!”

Eddie frowned at his words, struggling to type properly on his lightwriter:

“ _Don’t call me Edward. Only Dr. Park can.”_

“I’ll only do it as a joke, Eddie Spaghetti, I promise.”

Eddie didn’t seem to mind his other nickname. Actually, it’s been a while since Richie heard him complain about it, even jokingly (although he was still getting used to the “cute horny bunny”). Maybe he was scared that Richie might actually switch back to calling him Eddie and only Eddie? As if it would ever happen! His Eddie Spaghetti was too special for Richie to call him like anybody else!

Richie could feel Eddie’s breath against his skin, his boyfriend staying close to him at all times. He didn’t want to admit it, but it actually reassured him as well. If he remained there, Richie could make sure that he was okay and that he wasn’t hurting himself. He wasn’t left wondering how he was feeling, if he wasn’t experiencing a meltdown or simply feeling sad…

But it was definitely a thought he needed to shake off. It was only because Eddie had a rough day and was still recovering. He couldn’t go back to being overprotective and making Eddie his only priority. It wouldn’t benefit him, and it wouldn’t benefit Richie either… They managed to get their own space, and they needed to maintain them, for their own sake. Now wasn’t the time to step back, after so much progress accomplished on both ends…

At some point, after they shared a board game and lazily watched a movie, Mike suggested going out, knowing that Eddie would probably feel better with some fresh air. Richie had been able to feel Eddie tensing, gripping him strongly. His first instinct was to just tell Mike that they’d stay here, but he bit his tongue, stopping himself in the process. If Eddie went back to being afraid to go out, he wouldn’t know what to do otherwise and would be unable to maintain his jogging routine (that they had to skip this morning, Eddie definitely not in a state to exhaust himself like that).

Richie could see how much it actually helped him, Eddie being less out of breath when he climbed up their stairs. He was also able to take the lead whenever they left their flat, because he was getting more and more able to orientate himself in their town. If Eddie lost that, it would be a significant step back… Richie wasn’t going to force him, but he definitely knew a way to coax him. If Eddie still didn’t want to do it after that, Richie wouldn’t insist.

“I’ll buy you some churros, how about that?”

Eddie’s attention definitely perked up at his words. He finally nodded, Richie’s lips stretching into a knowing grin. If it made him happy, Richie would buy the whole stand. Heck, he’d even become a churros seller! Even though he had no idea how to actually prepare them… As long as Eddie felt giddy, the rest didn’t matter.

Richie had to help him tie his shoelaces, Eddie unable to do so after too many tries. He actually started to get frustrated, about to punch himself, when Richie gently stopped him, doing it in his stead. When they both got up, Eddie hugged him tightly, a sob escaping his throat. Richie hugged him back, gesturing to Mike to get closer, noticing his friend’s helpless expression.

Hesitating a little, Mike finally closed his arms around Eddie as well, providing him the comfort and affection he needed at the moment. The smallest contrariety was enough to get on Eddie’s fragilized nerves, and his inability to put on his shoes all alone was getting him near his tipping point. But it also made him more sensitive to his friend and his partner’s affection, melting in their arms, sighing softly.

He managed to calm his sobs after a while, hiccuping slightly, rubbing his eyes. Richie led him to the sink so that he would wash his face, asking him if he still wanted to go. Eddie nodded, typing a single word on his lightwriter:

“ _Churros.”_

Richie and Mike glanced at each other, before they both laughed, Richie ruffling his boyfriend’s hair.

“Don’t worry, you glutton, I wouldn’t forget that so easily. You’ll get your churros.”

Eddie managed to smile, although his expression was closer to a grimace than anything else, but he was still the cutest for Richie. Mike opened the door and, instantly, Eddie grabbed Richie’s arm, keeping himself as close as possible. Richie wondered if he was actually afraid that they might abandon him outside, and the thought was enough to make him want to cry…

He resisted, putting on a brave face for his partner, not wanting to be the one that had to be comforted, when Eddie already had to deal with his own issues. Mike followed them, stretching his body and smiling at the beautiful weather:

“Not a cloud in sight. It’s definitely springtime. My favorite season.”

Richie nodded, approving his words. Eddie shrugged, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Winter better. Christmas.”_

He was talking even less than before, probably still recovering from his little breakdown. Richie was going to make sure that he wouldn’t feel any worse. Stopping himself from kissing him at the last moment, aware that they were now in a public setting, Richie ruffled his hair instead, saying with a grin:

“Of course, a tiny angry gremlin like you would love Christmas. I should have guessed it, Gizmo.”

Upon realizing that Eddie had never seen the movie from which his nickname originated, Richie immediately showed it to him, grinning at Eddie’s furious stare once he finally saw on the screen the “Gremlins”. But his boyfriend liked the movie too much to stay angry for too long and, in the end, he didn’t protest as much anymore about his nickname, only jokingly.

Eddie still rolled his eyes at Richie’s joke, letting out a tired moan as if to say “Really?”. Richie chuckled, poking his partner’s cheek. Eddie remained close to him, getting them a few stares. Richie was proud to say that he was now past the point of caring, only thinking about Eddie and how much he needed to grip his arm at the moment.

Eddie would probably be devastated if Richie pulled out, even if he would understand why. Richie didn’t want to let everyone else dictate how he should live his relationship with Eddie. If he still wasn’t ready to kiss him in public, he wasn’t going to push him away anymore. Eddie’s well-being was more important than any of those assholes who thought that they might be doing something “wrong”.

It didn’t take them too long to reach the park where Eddie went on his own last time. He pointed out where the seller would be, and, luckily, his stand was open, allowing them to buy some churros. Eddie typed his command on his lightwriter, slowly, but decided to express his needs. Richie gently and quietly encouraged him to do so, waiting for his boyfriend to order. Richie did the same afterward, insisting on paying for Mike as well when his friend tried to pull out his wallet.

“You’ll pay next time, Mikey Mike. And if you insist, I’ll order the whole stand next time, and you’ll have to spend your whole paycheck on it. I’m not kidding.”

Mike grimaced, but he finally relented, knowing very well that Richie would actually do it. They sat on a nearby bench to enjoy them, Eddie moaning appreciatively at the taste. Richie liked it as well, but getting to eat them in such a good company was definitely making it all worth it. Being there with Mike and Eddie… Not just in this park, eating churros, but generally speaking, it was a blessing.

For so long, Richie thought he’d never see Eddie again. That he would only have his memories to hang onto. But they were able to find each other once more, their friendship turning slowly, but surely, into something else, something that it was meant to be. And Mike… Mike was as essential to Richie as Eddie, in his own way. Mike being there was what made it all work. The three of them, they just clicked. They loved each other, so deeply that it couldn’t be quite defined by any known word.

Richie loved all the Losers, but he definitely grew closer to Eddie and Mike over the years, sharing their pain, comforting them and finding comfort in them, helping them, and being helped in the same way. Every day, Richie felt happy, knowing how lucky he was to live with them. To share those simple, nice moments with Eddie and Mike.

He just wished he could do more to help. Especially Eddie at the moment, but also Mike. His friend avoided to talk about Bill as much as he could, and Richie didn’t know how to help either. Often, Richie chastised himself for being unable to get them to open up to him… Mike and Eddie definitely needed it. But they didn’t. And right now, it was eating Eddie away, and it hurt. It hurt deeply.

He looked at his boyfriend, who was currently licking his fingers, before wiping them cautiously with a tissue. Damn, he already finished it all… Sugary food was definitely Eddie’s soft spot. He couldn’t get enough of it. After most of his life eating nothing but bland food, Richie could definitely understand the addiction. As long as Eddie wasn’t overdoing it, he wasn’t going to say a thing about it.

Once they were all finished, Eddie rested his head against Richie’s shoulder, watching the people passing by. A thought came to Richie’s mind, and he shared it out loud, grinning widely:

“What if I come with you tomorrow for a run? How about that?”

Richie was definitely not a jogger. Heck, he hated P.E. all those years ago, even though he was conscious that Eddie actually envied him, wanting nothing more than to take part instead of sitting on a bench for the whole lesson. But if he motivated Eddie to keep his newly found routine and let off some steam in the process, then it was for the best, right?

“I’m so glad I met you, Richie. I’m going to miss you.”

“Ha, ha, very funny, Mike. You really think I won’t keep up with my tiny angry gremlin? Look at us both! I’ll catch up to him in no time, with my elongated limbs!”

Eddie punched him lightly on the knee. The playful gesture caused him to freeze, as if he was suddenly realizing that he shouldn’t have done _that._ Sensing another meltdown coming, Richie immediately hugged him tightly, reassuring him:

“It’s okay. It’s a joke. It didn’t hurt. No need to worry about it, I promise. It’s fine.”

Richie repeated those words again and again, until he sensed that Eddie stopped shaking in his arms. Seeing Eddie in this state made him hate Sonia even more than before. She was the root of all of this, Eddie’s fear of doing the “wrong” thing at all times, thinking that he was “bad” and needed to be punished, how he kept thinking that he could lose Richie’s love over the smallest things. No wonder, when Sonia kept withholding her affection every time Eddie wasn’t acting like she wanted him to…

Eddie was exhausted. He started to cry again, silent tears running down his cheeks. Richie and Mike glanced at each other, before they helped Eddie up, guiding him back to their flat. If they didn’t hold him, Richie was pretty sure that he would curl up on the floor and would be unable to get up on his own. Small sobs escaped Eddie’s closed-up throat, and Richie felt utterly powerless.

Once they reached their flat, he immediately wrapped him up into a hug, peppering his face with kisses, telling him how much he loved him. Again. And again. And again. Richie would tell him as much as necessary, because that was the truth. Richie loved Eddie so, so much, it was almost painful sometimes. And seeing him so vulnerable, so visibly sad and utterly despaired, it definitely hurt.

Eddie’s small sobs turned louder, and nothing seemed to be able to calm him down. Out of ideas to help him, Mike and Richie decided to put him to bed, between them both. Helping him in his softest pajamas, Richie grabbed his hand, Mike holding the other one, squeezing it tightly. He tried to kiss his tears away, whispering to him:

“Eddie, you can talk to me. You know that, right? You can talk to me. I love you, Eddie. I’ll always love you.”

But Eddie wasn’t communicating. He could only cry and cry and cry, until the small amount of energy he had still available was exhausted. His eyelids were fluttering, but he didn’t seem to want to sleep. Not until Richie promised him that he’d be there when he woke up. He’d be there, definitely.

It wasn’t until Eddie was finally deeply asleep that Richie let his own tears out. He wiped them quickly, letting out with a frustrated voice:

“Fuck… Fuck, I don’t know what to do. Mike, I don’t know, I...”

Still holding Eddie’s hand, Mike reached for Richie’s, squeezing it as well.

“I… I don’t know either. But we’re going to figure it out, okay? We’re going to. As always.”

And Richie believed him. Because he was right. No matter what, they still managed to move on. To progress. One step at a time. They would figure it out. Definitely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Eddie's not doing fine. He has a lot on his mind and is still exhausted from the day before, so he just breaks down over the smallest stuff. Richie and Mike are trying their best, but it's complicated. Until he's not ready to talk, then it's not gonna get any better. But they're not going to give up so soon, that's for sure.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter c:. Thank you all for your support! Don't hesitate to leave a comment, if you feel like it. I'd love to read your thoughts about this chapter. You can also leave a kudos and/or subscribe to this story and/or series.
> 
> Have a nice day! See you soon!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Welcome to the 29th chapter of this fanfic, I hope you'll like it c:. 
> 
> Thank you all for your support, it really helps to keep me motivated. This chapter was pretty intense to write, I hope you'll appreciate it c:.
> 
> Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for sexual content
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

They were running, running, running. Maybe Eddie was going too fast, but he couldn’t care at the moment. The pain in his lungs, in his body, he needed it. It kept away the mental anguish, the bad thoughts, everything he couldn’t get control over. Eddie wished he could run forever, turning his back on his problems for the rest of his life. If only it could be that simple…

“E… Eds, wait up! Slow down!”

Richie was clearly out of breath, and, to be honest, Eddie wasn’t really any better. He just elicited to ignore it, because the more he was suffering physically, the less he was mentally. If he had beenon his own, Eddie would have probably kept on running until passing away. But Richie was there, and Eddie didn’t want to hurt him. He accepted to slow down to a walk, Richie letting out a relieved sigh at his mercy:

“Damn, I… I had no idea you were always so… so intense. Fuck, I feel like my l… my lungs are punctured or something...”

Less talking, more breathing, it would probably help a lot. But Eddie didn’t share this thought, as he usually would. There were lots of stuff he hadn’t said or done lately. Something was preventing him from doing so. An obsessive voice, gnawing his well-being away, reminding him again and again that he wasn’t worthy, that Richie, Mike, and everyone else were merely tolerating him, and that if he were to take a single wrong step, then he’d lose all of that. Eddie would be all alone.

There were so many things he couldn’t do. How did he not realize that sooner? Why did he think that he deserved to be loved, when he wasn’t putting the effort to become better? Less… Less Eddie, simply put. Tate was trying, and he still had his sister, even if his parents gave up on him. But Eddie? What would he have left if he remained the same? Unable to talk. Unable to work. Unable to do most basic things on his own.

Eddie wanted to cry again. Since the last time he saw Tate and Myra, he felt like he wanted to tear up every moment or so, as if he was some kind of fucking crybaby. He wasn’t. He was a grown-up, and he shouldn’t… he just…

“Eddie?”

Eddie jumped, startled, when Richie put his hand on his shoulder. Wheezing painfully, he raised his head towards his boyfriend, who was looking at him with concern. Eddie didn’t realize that he had stopped walking and that he zoned out, trapped in his own thoughts. He shook his head, trying to clear the fog in his mind, in vain. He should keep on running. He felt better when he was running.

But Richie stopped him, right when Eddie started to jog again. He took his hand, squeezing it tightly:

“Come on, Eddie Spaghetti, I know you’re tough, but you’re still human. Your body is literally shaking, and it's like I'm hearing a squeaky toy every time you’re inhaling. Time for a break, don’t you think?”

Eddie didn’t want to take a break. A break would mean that he’d have time to think, and he didn’t wish for that to happen. He shook his head, but even he had to accept the fact that he would very likely pass out if he insisted. Wobbling on his shaky legs, he followed Richie to the nearest bench, sitting on it and taking a big gulp of the water bottle his boyfriend handed him.

Afterward, he curled up, hugging his knees against his chest, rocking slowly to bring himself some comfort. It didn’t really work… Eddie still felt heavy, tired, and, more than anything else, empty. This morning, he could barely get himself to leave the bed. If it weren’t for Richie, he would have most likely spent the day there, under his sheets, unable to do much else.

But Richie was decided to jog with him, and it definitely involved Eddie having to get up and do something of his day. But now that they stopped and that his body wasn’t aching so much, he was back to feeling gloom and overwhelmed. He felt a hand on his hair, before Richie got him to lean against him. Eddie inhaled deeply, breathing Richie’s distinct scent. How long would it take him to forget those little things about his boyfriend, once he’d leave him behind?

Ceasing to hug his knees, Eddie tried to punch his temple, but Richie seemed to have predicted his move and prevented him from doing so, squeezing his hand and rocking it gently. Eddie let out a frustrated hum, but he didn’t try to get away or hurt himself again. He couldn’t find the strength to struggle… He was just really, really tired.

“Eddie, I… Is there something I can do?”

Richie never asked him outrightly if something was wrong with him. Not that Eddie would tell him the truth, he would most likely shrug or shake his head. It just wasn’t what he expected from his overbearing boyfriend. He didn’t really know if he appreciated it or if he wished that Richie would insist more… Eddie didn’t know a thing for the moment, to be honest.

Could Richie do something? Yes, probably. Staying forever. Not leaving him behind. But how could Eddie be sure that it would be a definitive thing? Richie could very well promise him to do so, and give up on him later, once he’d realize that Eddie was hopeless. And Mike would do the same. And the Losers. And Maggie and Went. He would have nothing, but his memories to keep him company.

Oh, Eddie, how foolish you are to think that you could be loved by someone other than your mother. How stupid you can be, Eddie Bear. But don’t worry, Mommy will always be there for you… Mommy would never…

“Eds!”

Eddie raised his head up, confused. He noticed that he was humming nervously, and pretty loudly as well, shaking even more than before. Richie hugged him tightly, not caring that they were in public and that people could see them. Eddie bit his lip at the thought. Richie was doing so much for him, and he just… he…

“We’re going home, okay?”

Richie helped him up, and Eddie followed him, pliant in his hands. It was just easier to let himself be dragged away wherever people wanted him to go. And Eddie was never putting a single effort in what he was doing, right? Fucking useless. So fucking useless. How could he think that he deserved Richie when he wasn’t even answering him?

Richie kept talking, talking, talking, and Eddie barely glanced at him, focused on his obsessive thoughts, on his mother’s voice, on Tate’s words. People leave. Richie would leave. Everyone would leave. Because Eddie was the worst. Because he didn’t even try to talk. Because he wasn’t communicating verbally, as he should at least attempt to.

Richie was trying to cheer him up, caressing his hand that he was holding with his thumb, letting him know with a soft smile:

“A steamy shower should do us some good, right? I feel like we ran a whole fucking marathon. If it weren’t for you, I would have given up right after the first minute. Thankfully, I had your cute little shorts to keep me motivated.”

Richie winked, but Eddie didn’t have the heart to laugh or take part in their usual antics, pretending to be annoyed by Richie when he was mostly endeared. Most of the time, Eddie felt nothing. A big empty void that was consuming him, preventing him from doing much, saying much. For what purpose anyway? He wasn’t even _really_ communicating. If Tate’s parents were his, they would have given up on him immediately. Instead, his father was dead, and his mother… his mom…

“Mo.”

He didn’t really know why he called her. He knew that she wouldn’t answer, it just felt… right. Calling out to her. Again and again. She wouldn’t answer. She wouldn’t, because he was a bad boy, and he was the worst, and he needed to be punished, and…

Eddie suddenly felt soaked. He hadn’t realized that they were home and that Richie had put him under the showerhead, washing him gently and thoroughly. He blinked a few times, completely lost. Weren’t they just outside? Why were they back? He whined worryingly, and Richie kissed his forehead, whispering to his ear:

“I’m here, Eddie. I’m here for you. Just relax. I’m taking care of you. I love you.”

Eddie loved him. He loved Richie so much that it hurt sometimes. He felt like his heart was trying to rip out of his ribcage, barely managing to keep it in his body. Was Richie feeling the same thing? And if he was, for how long? He had to see that Eddie was… well, Eddie. Unworthy. Pathetic. A coward who kept on giving up instead of trying to become a better person. 

He should be learning how to talk verbally, how to be less of an embarrassment and a burden for those close to him, and instead, he wasn’t doing much. Merely surviving, day after day. What a loser he was… And not a Loser, like his friends, like Richie. He didn’t deserve this title. He didn’t deserve their friendship. Their love. 

Eddie let out a sob, and Richie hugged him even more, shushing him softly. He kept on taking care of him, because Eddie was completely unable to do so at the moment. He could only cry and sniffle, shoving his fingers between his lips, sucking them in an attempt to soothe himself. But it didn’t comfort him. It didn’t free him from this void inside of him…

Once they were all cleaned up, Richie helped him to put on clean and soft pajamas, explaining to him while doing so:

“This whole day is gonna be a pajama party, isn’t that the best idea ever? I’ll cook us a second breakfast, and we’re gonna eat it while watching Princess Bride. I’m pretty sure Gnocchi will join us to get a hug from you, this cat is such a cockblocker sometimes.”

Richie managed to get a quick smile from him. Eddie couldn’t remain somber at all times when his boyfriend was there, joking around. What did he do to earn someone like him in his life? Eddie couldn’t tell. And it scared him. If Richie had no reason to stay with him, he would leave, like everyone else, and Eddie would be alone. All alone.

Eddie grabbed Richie’s arm, hugging it tightly. Richie barely had the time to put on his pajama pants and was still shirtless, but Eddie couldn’t get himself to let go. If he dropped Richie’s arm, he would leave. He knew that. He was sure of that. He was unable to say why he was certain about it, but he was.

Richie caressed his face, raising it slightly so that Eddie would look at him:

“Eds, my love. I need my arm to dress up, alright?”

Eddie shook his head. If he let go, Richie would leave! If Richie left, then Mike would do the same, because if he had to choose between Eddie and Richie, it was obvious that he would pick his boyfriend! And the Losers would pick Mike and Richie! And Went and Maggie would rather give up on him than on their own son! 

Eddie whined, begging Richie wordlessly to stay, to let him hold him so that he wouldn’t go away. Richie looked at him thoughtfully, brushing his hair softly, attempting to reassure him, but Eddie wasn’t gullible. He knew that he would go! He knew it!

Compromising, Richie finally suggested, with a sad smile on his face:

“Listen, Eddie. If you hold onto one of my legs, I’d be able to put on my top, and then, you can grab my arm again. Does that seem okay to you?”

Richie chuckled nervously, adding as an afterthought:

“Just don’t grab my two legs at the same time, alright? I can’t fly yet, and I would much likely break all my teeth on the porcelain sink. I’m sure you’d miss my irresistible smile, right, Eddie?”

Richie stretched a goofy grin on his lips, but Eddie merely tightened his grip, thinking about his words. If he held onto Richie’s leg, Richie wouldn’t leave. Quickly, scared that his boyfriend would vanish if he stayed away from him for too long, Eddie let go of his arm and hugged Richie’s left leg, kneeling on the cold floor, nuzzling his face against his partner’s body. 

He felt Richie patting his head, but he couldn’t find comfort in the soft gesture, his mother’s voice already back to haunt him. She reminded him how bad he was at the moment, keeping Richie close so that he wouldn’t get away and free himself from the burden that he was. Eddie should know better. He should step back and allow Richie to be happy again, even if it meant never seeing him from that point on.

How selfish he was… A bad, bad boy that didn’t deserve anything in the world. He should be punished. Why wasn’t he punished? Why was everyone still so nice to him? Eddie didn’t get it. He didn’t get it at all. 

“Eddie, I’m done. You can let go of my leg, if you want.”

Eddie nodded, grabbing the hand that Richie held out to him, getting up from the cold floor. Following him to their kitchen, he managed to convince himself to step back, staying nearby nonetheless, while Richie was preparing their second breakfast. It was reassuring to know that he was there, so close that Eddie could touch him at any given moment, making sure that he wasn’t going anywhere.

Then they found themselves on the couch, snuggling under their soft plaid. As Richie predicted it, Gnocchi joined them almost immediately, the cat jumping on Eddie’s knees and pawing on the fabric covering them. Eddie caressed her mindlessly, wondering what would happen to her if he were to be all alone. Would he be able to take care of her? He could barely do so for himself… 

Richie kept on kissing him and squeezing his hand while they were watching the movie. At this point, Eddie could mouth every line perfectly, but it made the experience even more pleasurable. He liked to know that everything would be just fine. That Westley wasn’t really dead, that Buttercup was going to spend the rest of her life with her true love, and that Fezzik and Inigo would be just fine. If only life could be predictable that way… Eddie would know for sure what his future would be like. 

He wouldn’t have to wonder when they would all leave him behind. He could look forward to a happy ending, no matter the hardships, no matter the suffering. Instead, he was left guessing, and Eddie hated it. He hated it so much.

Even though he was still feeling bad, watching his comfort movie, showered by his boyfriend and his cat’s affection, it definitely helped. Eddie’s heart was feeling slightly less heavy, and the fog in his mind was clearing a little bit, allowing him to type on his lightwriter, while the movie was getting near its end:

“ _They should leave Westley behind. He can barely move or help, they have to carry him around everywhere. He could get them killed.”_

Richie let out an interrogative and surprised “Oh?” at Eddie’s words. Caressing his boyfriend’s cheek, he shook his head, letting him know his opinion on the matter:

“I don’t think so. They need Westley, and Westley needs them to save Buttercup. If they manage to make it work, it’s only because they’re together and believing in each other. Inigo and Fezzik wouldn’t have been able to save Buttercup in time, if it weren’t for Westley.”

Eddie shrugged at Richie’s words. He never thought about the movie like that before, but right now, he couldn’t really shake this idea off his head. Westley almost died and was brought back to life, but he was paralyzed and couldn’t even hold his head steady. How was he supposed to help? Why did they bring him along? Eddie knew how the movie ended, but still…

Richie poked his temple softly, before kissing it and whispering to his ear:

“They love and trust each other, and it’s never gonna change. No matter what, Inigo and Fezzik would carry Westley to the end of the world, and Buttercup would follow, as long as she can be reunited with her one true love. I love and trust you, Eds. I’ll always love and trust you, Eddie, my love.”

He needed to hear it. He really needed to hear them, those words coming out of Richie’s mouth. Eddie tried to hold it in, but another sob escaped him, and he was soon crying in his boyfriend’s shirt, holding onto him as if he was holding onto his own life. Alarmed by her master’s cries, Gnocchi stepped away, but she remained on the couch, watching over him, as if to say that she was there, nearby, once he’ll be calmed enough.

Eddie didn’t even saw the end of the movie. When he finally stopped crying, his eyes red and swollen, it was over for a while already, the tape coming to an end and rewinding afterward. Richie handed him a tissue so that he would be able to blow out his nose, patting his head tenderly. Once Eddie’s breathing was less ragged, Richie finally asked him, visibly hesitating:

“Listen, I… If you don’t want to talk about it now, it’s fine, I’ll wait as long as necessary. But I need you to know that you can trust me and that I’ll listen to whatever you’d like to say. You’re not feeling well, Eds, and I want to help. I really want to.”

Eddie wanted to spill it out. To tell him that he knew that Richie and everyone else were getting tired of him, but that he was going to work really hard on himself, and learn how to talk, so that they wouldn’t leave him behind. But he was well aware that Richie would merely attempt to reassure him, knowing that Eddie couldn’t get any better. Even if he didn’t believe it, he would tell him that it was okay if he didn’t talk verbally.

Eddie couldn’t hear that from him, knowing that it would be a lie or a product of pure ignorance. Richie thought he was fine with it, but he wasn’t. He would leave. Just like Tate’s parents. _People leave._ The words were still in his mind, an obsession that he couldn’t get rid of. _People leave._ And Eddie couldn’t bear this thought. He couldn’t imagine himself living without Richie.

He wasn’t good at lying. But he didn’t have to. He could just keep a part of the truth to himself. Pretend that what he was going to share with Richie was all that he was worried about. Even though Dr. Park eased most of his concerns on the subject. Letting out a sigh, Eddie started to type slowly on his lightwriter, keeping his head down:

“ _Worried about the trip. And visiting mommy. I don’t know if it’ll help.”_

He hadn’t really broached this subject with his therapist. What if he visited his mother’s grave, and it didn’t change a thing? It wasn’t like he could directly talk to her anyway. She was dead. She’d never know what kind of person Eddie became, what was his life right now… How was it supposed to help him? To get him to progress?

Richie nodded thoughtfully. He gently took off the plaid, inviting Eddie to rest his head on his knees, covering him tenderly. He then grabbed his hand, holding it up to his lips and kissing it lovingly. He kept on caressing it with his long fingers, attempting to give a satisfying answer to Eddie’s concerns:

“I gave a quick look at the book your therapist left you. It’s pretty good and thorough. We’re going to plan it all according to what’s written in there. That way, you’ll pretty much know everything you can expect from this upcoming trip. As for your mother...”

Richie sighed, brushing Eddie’s hand with his lips once again:

“I wish I could tell you that it’s going to help for sure. Telling her to fuck off on her grave, once and for all. But I don’t want to lie to you, Eds.”

Eddie bit his bottom lip at Richie’s words, the weight of his guilt increasing. He wasn’t lying. He was just keeping some stuff to himself. It wasn’t so bad, right? Richie wouldn’t have to pretend that it didn’t matter, if Eddie didn’t share his most obsessive doubts. It was for his own good.

“Maybe it’s gonna “click” for you or something. Maybe not. But at least, you’d be able to say goodbye. And in the meantime, we’re going to see Bill and Audra and spend some time with them. Pretty cool, don’t you think?”

Eddie shrugged again. He guessed so, but if they just kept on fighting as they did during Richie’s birthday, it wouldn’t be so nice. Besides, they saw him experiencing one of his regression episodes. Maybe they were thinking less of him… Perhaps they didn’t really want to see him, but Richie and Mike convinced them to do otherwise.

“ _Bill and Audra, they’re okay?”_

“I think so. I don’t know what’s up with their relationship, but they still seem to be together for now. They would have told us if they were breaking up, I suppose. That would put a dent in our plan, after all. They bought us tickets and stuff to have fun where they live, they can’t break up now!”

Richie chuckled, shaking his head:

“I’m joking. It’s not like I want them to get separated. I just want everyone to be happy. It just seems so hard to accomplish sometimes...”

Eddie felt his heart tightening at Richie’s words. Richie wanted him to be happy, but Eddie was just wallowing endlessly and uselessly. Nothing would get any better if he kept on despairing without doing much. Everyone was more or less thinking of leaving him behind, alright. Now, it was up to him to change that, just like Tate did. He thought about his friend’s constant efforts, his sister’s praise and approval, how evident her love was… If he did the same, surely, they would keep on loving him.

He just had to try. Again. And again. And again. As long as necessary. Forever if needed. Even if it hurt. Even if it was exhausting. Tate had a meltdown after a failed attempt, but he’s not going to give up. He knew better than that. He knew that people would leave if he stopped trying. That he’d be all alone. Eddie was going to try. Really, really hard.

Hanging to this thought, this purpose, Eddie managed progressively to feel a bit better. He even smiled and laughed at some point, communicating slightly more, appreciating Richie’s tenderness and affection. This love that he was getting, Eddie would earn it. No matter what it implied. Even if it were to break him.

Right now, Eddie knew that he couldn’t do much. Not while Richie was around. If he tried and failed, his boyfriend would tell him that he didn’t have to worry about that, that it didn’t matter, but Eddie knew better. He knew that it truly mattered and that, in the end, he’d be lonely if he didn’t at least try. If he just gave up and accepted how mediocre he was.

Eddie couldn’t count on Dr. Park to help him with this matter. She saw how stressful it was for him and, as she said, she wasn’t paid to get him to talk verbally, but to help him recover from his past. Eddie felt frustrated, but he wasn’t really angry against her. She was just trying her best and Eddie… Well, Eddie was bad. Bad and stupid. It wasn’t her fault. She tried to help, and he should have been able to remain calm and composed, but he didn’t.

And now, he could only count on himself to learn how to talk. Or was it really the case? Eddie knew that Mike wouldn’t help and that Went and Maggie would most likely speak to Richie if he came to them with his concerns. But there was someone else… Someone that was used to this kind of situation. While Richie was in the bathroom, Eddie quickly texted Myra, pleading her to teach him how to talk.

If he managed to say a few words, if he could get himself to articulate Richie’s name correctly, it would already be a huge step. He wouldn’t be so useless and unlovable anymore. Maybe he couldn’t keep everyone around, but at least Richie and Mike, right? If he had them by his sides, Eddie could survive anything.

Myra was quick to answer. Eddie read her text, a feeling of relief washing over his tormented heart and mind:

_Of course, I’d be happy to! Tate will be glad to learn with you as well. Should we start tomorrow? We could come to get you!_

Eddie didn’t expect her to agree and act on his demand so fast. It was so sudden, Eddie couldn’t help but feel awfully overwhelmed. But maybe it was for the best… If he started to learn with her so soon, he might be able to start talking before they even went to Bill and Audra’s place. Richie would be so happy. He would love him even more, for sure. And his friends, they would see that Eddie was trying to get better for them, that he was doing whatever he could to earn their affection.

They wouldn’t leave him. They wouldn’t. Eddie agreed to Myra’s offer, putting his phone away precipitately when Richie came back from the bathroom, sitting next to him. His boyfriend smiled, asking playfully:

“Did someone send you a dirty message, my cute horny bunny?”

Eddie shook his head, his cheeks reddening slightly:

“ _No! It was just junk! Shut up!”_

“You’re acting defensively, bun-bun. Guess I have to make you forget all of those perverted things on your phone...”

Before Eddie was even able to protest more (especially about his new, ridiculous nickname), Richie kissed him, and he melted in his touch, unable to resist him. 

When his boyfriend tapped his cheek, asking for the permission to deepen their kiss, Eddie didn’t hesitate for a second, inviting him in, a soft moan escaping his open mouth. He couldn’t help but shudder, full of desire for his partner.

Eddie never thought he’d get so addicted to Richie’s touch and attention and, yet, here he was, begging for him to bring him to climax, his mind filled with perverted fantasies he wasn’t sure he’d ever been able to explore fully. It was actually another good way to keep the problems away. He’d rather forget about them for a while in a sexual frenzy than exhaust himself in an endless jog.

When they parted their lips, Eddie moaned loudly, begging for more. He hugged Richie tightly, trembling against him, his dick hardening at the exciting thoughts that were occupying his brain. He didn’t even protest when his boyfriend lifted him from the couch, only grabbing onto him more, so that he wouldn’t fall down.

Richie laid him down gently on the bed, closing the door so that Gnocchi wouldn’t be able to enter. Eddie whined for his attention, and Richie was quick to come back, a gentle smile on his lips, undressing him cautiously:

“Relax, Eddie. I’m taking care of you. Close your eyes and focus on what you’re feeling.”

Eddie nodded feverishly, obeying immediately. Not seeing a thing made it all even more intense. Richie’s tongue circling his nipples, his hand on his cock, the tip of his fingers brushing his testicles… Eddie was quick to come, a high-pitched moan making its way out of his throat.

He trembled in Richie’s arms, nodding when his boyfriend asked him if he wanted him to continue. Eddie never wanted it to stop. As long as he was feeling _that,_ he couldn’t think about anything else. He could pretend that he was happy and that he was a good boyfriend for Richie. That Richie was glad to be his, instead of slowly getting tired of Eddie.

This painful and intense pleasure, Eddie wanted it to last forever. But everything had to come to an end… And, despite his determination to “get better”, the void was back. This feeling of emptiness. This heavy weight in his heart… Why couldn’t he get rid of it? Why was it still there, when Eddie was now decided to change? Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eddie thinks that this new purpose is going to fix everything, but it's not. He doesn't get that learning to talk verbally isn't going to reassure him about the fact that those he loves won't leave him. They all love him just as he is, but it's hard for Eddie to get it. He knew that if he was a "good boy" to his mom, she would keep on "loving" him, so he's using the same kind of messed up logic for his family, his boyfriend and his friends. He can't be sure of their affection and he needs to, even if it hurts him in the process.
> 
> Meanwhile, Richie is trying his best, but he doesn't want Eddie to step back or to push him away if he's being too "overbearing". I think he's helping, but it's not enough for the moment. As long as he doesn't really know why Eddie is so preoccupied, he can't truly reassure him and help him. It's a complicated situation...
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter c:. Don't hesitate to leave a comment if you feel like it, I love to talk with all of you! You can also leave a kudos if you hadn't already and subscribe to this story and/or series, if you want to.
> 
> Thank you for your continued support! Have a nice day, take care and see you soon!


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 30th chapter of this fanfic! I really needed to write it, I had one of my worst days today, one of the most intense meltdowns I had in months... It was a challenge to get through the day, truly. Focusing on my writing really helped to get through all of that, so thank you all for your continued support, that helps me to stay motivated.
> 
> I hope you're okay c:. With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for self-harm
> 
> I think that's all. Although the chapter is pretty intense, I couldn't find anything else to warn you about. If you need me to tag something, let me know. Good reading!

The sudden ruckus stopped him from zoning out. Richie blinked slowly, looking at the mess he just made. He wasn’t so clumsy usually… On the contrary, he was pretty proud of his balance skills, and he definitely got better at stacking as many glasses as possible on a platter, a feat that definitely made his boss Sam wince more than once.

Richie was barely holding a plate and a glass at the time, and yet, he dropped them both, causing them to shatter on the floor. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he let out a long sigh, before proceeding to clean what he had just done. Richie could barely focus on his job today. All of his thoughts were directed towards Eddie, wondering how he was doing.

This morning, his boyfriend insisted that Richie should go back to work, that he shouldn’t skip his shift once again just to take care of him. He assured him that he was doing better and just needed a bit of peace and quiet. Richie couldn’t quite believe Eddie, not after what he saw of him those last few days.

He always seemed on the brink of tears, his gaze far away, as if he was looking at something that Richie couldn’t even grasp. The smallest thing was enough to cause him to regress or to try to hurt himself, calling for his mom as if she was still there, as if she could help in any way. He was pretty sure that Eddie was expecting his mother (or her memory, anyway) to punish him, whenever he was in this state, and this thought broke his heart into pieces.

Richie had the feeling that they were almost back to square one, which happened so fast that he didn’t know what to make of it. Did he do something to trigger all of this? Richie thought about his past interactions with Eddie, talked about it with Mike, but nothing came to mind. And yet, he was definitely the cause of Eddie’s trouble in some way, he was sure of that. Something happened, something that neither Eddie nor Dr. Park wanted to talk about with him.

The therapist’s words were engraved in his brain, and he couldn’t make sense of them. Reminding Eddie that he loved him… Richie didn’t know how he could prove that more than he was already. He loved Eddie, told him, showed him, again, and again, and again, knowing that his boyfriend needed the reassurance. But what else could he do? Was there something that he was missing? Something essential?

Mike was lost as well, not knowing what to say when Richie asked for his input. Richie was convinced that he must have done something wrong, but he couldn’t figure it out, no matter how much he was thinking about it. Seeing Eddie in such a poor state… it was devastating. Richie should be able to help, to make him smile, to chase his bad thoughts away, whatever they might be… But he couldn’t.

He had to hope that this peaceful day would help Eddie. His partner was probably hugging Gnocchi and watching some flick on TV, if he wasn’t engulfed in a cleaning spree, as he could sometimes be. Eddie was so cute whenever he was invested in something, whether it was a movie or the sudden urge to order their cupboard so neatly that Richie barely dared to unfold the clothes he put in. Richie could admire him for hours, hopelessly enamored.

But maybe he wasn’t feeling so good. Perhaps Eddie was crying and begging for help and Richie… Richie couldn’t be there. He was at work, far away, unreachable. Eddie didn’t call yet, which was probably a good sign, but still… The thought of his boyfriend, experiencing a regression episode, curled up under the mattress and screaming his lungs out, was haunting his mind.

“Richie?”

Richie, startled, closed his fist on the tiny shard of glass he was picking from the ground. He hissed in pain, and Samantha cursed, cleaning the mess as quickly as she could before leading him to the sink, putting his hand under a stream of lukewarm water. She disinfected and bandaged the wound, relieved to see that it didn’t cut too deep. Once it was done, Sam sighed, crossing her arms over her chest:

“It’s the second time you’re breaking something today, Richie. You didn’t answer when I called you, and you’re always zoning out. What’s going on?”

Richie bit his lip, ashamed that she noticed his predicament. He should be able to keep his private life and his job separate. But the endless worry he was currently experiencing for Eddie was dripping out, and he couldn’t keep it in, as much as he was trying to. Every single one of his thoughts was occupied by his tormented boyfriend, and he didn’t know what to make of it.

“It’s about your friend, right? He’s not getting better?”

Taking a day off to care for Eddie, Richie had to explain why he was bailing on Sam so suddenly. He mentioned Eddie, knowing that she would understand, but he stayed vague, not wanting to betray his partner’s trust and share things that he didn’t want anyone else to know. Richie didn't want to admit it, but he had to nod, grimacing slightly.

“Listen, Richie, I’m gonna call someone for today and handle it. You should go home.”

“But…!”

Sam interrupted him, pointing at his damaged hand:

“I don’t have the time to deal with my customers and ensure that you’re not cutting yourself or breaking anything else. Go home, relax a little and come back tomorrow with your head in the game. I’ll let today's mistakes slide because you’re visibly preoccupied, and you’re usually better than that. But I want you at your best the next day, alright?”

Richie shook his head. If he came home now, Eddie might be pissed or confused. He told him that he needed his quiet time and that Richie didn’t have to “babysit” him any longer. Richie hated the expression on Eddie’s face when his device said this word out loud. His boyfriend truly believed that Richie was putting up with him reluctantly and acting like some kind of caretaker. Richie repeated that he loved him and just wanted to spend time with him, but Eddie was adamant, and Richie didn’t want to upset him and have a fight, not when he was in this state.

“I can handle it. I...”

“It’s not a favor nor a request, Richie, it’s an order. If you keep on insisting, I’ll take from your salary every item that you broke. Go home.”

Richie could see that she wasn’t joking. He sighed, apologizing for his clumsiness and his lack of involvement, promising that he’d do better the next day and after that. Sending a quick text to Eddie to warn him that he was coming back earlier than expected, Richie saluted Samantha, leaving his workplace. On the way home, he grabbed a chocolate bar, hoping it would please Eddie and put a smile on his face.

Once he arrived at his building, Richie climbed the stairs, bracing himself for a potential meltdown. Eddie didn’t like it when things didn’t happen as they were supposed to, even if it was a good change. Richie wished he could have warned him sooner, but it wasn’t so easy. He knew that he could have spent his day outside, pretending that he was still at work, but he was too worried for Eddie to just stay behind like that.

Knocking on the door to warn Eddie of his arrival, Richie came in, announcing himself while he was taking off his coat:

“I’m home! Sorry I didn’t warn you earlier, I…!”

A tiny meow interrupted his pleasantries. Richie quickly realized that Gnocchi was the only one to greet him, and it was definitely unusual. Whatever he was doing, Eddie was always speeding to the door whenever Richie came back, hugging him and kissing him as if he hadn’t seen him in days. But Eddie wasn’t there…

“Eds? Bun-Bun?”

Richie started to walk around their flat, calling for his partner, using every silly nickname he could think of, hoping to hear him groan. He wasn’t in their bedroom or in Mike’s. He wasn’t in the living room either or the bathroom. Richie looked for a note that Eddie could have left, warning him that he was out for a walk, but he didn’t find a single thing. No text or missed call either.

He wasn’t in his usual hiding spots, the ones he would go to if he was stressed beyond measure. No, Eddie… Eddie just wasn’t there. Richie sent him another text, asking if he was okay. Pacing nervously, he waited for his answer, but nothing came. He called him, but it went straight to voice mail, which meant that his phone was either turned off or discharged.

Richie’s heart was beating too fast, his breathing quickening. He tried to remain calm, calling Mike, begging for him to answer. When he heard his friend’s voice, Richie let out a relieved sigh, immediately asking him, interrupting Mike’s greeting:

“Eddie’s with you?”

Richie probably took him by surprise, because Mike stumbled on his words, answering with an interrogative “no?”, seemingly unsure about Richie’s reason to ask him that all of a sudden.

“You’re sure, Mike? You don’t know where he can be? It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me because I’m overbearing or whatever, I just want to know that he’s fine.”

Richie was talking quickly, his voice getting slightly high-pitched, showing how worried he was. He was hoping that he was working himself up over nothing, that Eddie will back in a few minutes, but Mike’s answer crushed his hope mercilessly:

“Eddie’s not home? What?”

Richie’s throat closed up at his words. He thanked him quickly and told him that he would call their friends and folks and keep him updated about Eddie. Hanging up the phone, Richie immediately reached out for his parents, trying to ask casually if Eddie was with them. Maybe they just forgot to warn him, it happened, right?

But Eddie wasn’t there either. He wasn’t with his parents. He wasn’t with Liz or Greta. He sent a text to Myra, but her phone seemed to be turned off as well. She was probably at whatever hospital she was working for as a nurse… If it wasn’t the case, he hoped that she would quickly turn on her phone and let him know about Eddie. Fuck… Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Richie tried to call Eddie again, groaning frustratingly when his phone went straight to voice mail once again. Putting the chocolate bar on the table, he quickly wrote a note, telling Eddie that he was looking for him and that he should call him ASAP, as soon as he was home. Afterward, Richie left their apartment hurriedly, so much that he forgot to put his coat back on.

The air was chilly, but Richie couldn’t care less. He needed to find Eddie. Climbing in his car, Richie toured the places Eddie was used to visiting, hoping to see him. He wasn’t at the park nor the tea room. He wasn’t in the arcade room either. Leaving his car, Richie wandered in every single one of these places, reaching out to people, asking if they noticed Eddie around.

He should be easy to remember, right? Tiny, devilishly cute, using a device to talk, often flapping his hands or curling them against his chest? And yet, nobody noticed him. They all denied seeing him and Richie’s worry reached hysterical levels. Eddie was lost. He had been kidnapped, and someone was holding him hostage. A fucker beat him up, and he was wheezing in an alley, bruised and battered, waiting for Richie to help him.

Richie looked everywhere he could think of, but no trace of Eddie. Wherever he was, it wasn’t in Bangor. Richie kept on calling him, again and again, to no avail. He sent text after text, hoping miraculously for an answer. Heck, he even called Dr. Park, hoping that she would have some info, but she was at a loss, and Richie didn’t know what to do.

Eddie wasn’t at the LGBT Center. He wasn’t anywhere Richie thought he could be. He was… He was gone. Richie didn’t know how long he looked for him, but he could barely stay on his feet when he resigned himself to come home, hoping that he would be there. If he wasn’t, he… Richie would have to call the police, right? Or a hospital, to make sure that Eddie wasn’t a patient? They would have called him or his parents if it was the case, right?

Richie was shaking, wheezing, his eyes wet with tears. He sniffled, cleaning his nose with his sleeve, not caring for a second about the way people were staring at him. Eddie… Where was Eddie? Why did he fucking leave this morning? He should have stayed, make sure that his partner was okay, that he wasn’t… that he wouldn’t…

And then, a text. A single word, from Eddie: “Home”. Richie’s heart almost broke out from his ribcage, while he was driving back frantically to their flat, climbing the stairs faster than he ever did. He opened the door brutally, thinking that he would find his Eddie bruised, hurt, or going through a meltdown. But… But Eddie was merely sitting on a kitchen chair, nibbling on the chocolate bar that Richie left there for him.

He was okay. He was okay. He was okay. Thank god, he was okay. Richie let out a sob, running towards his boyfriend and hugging him from behind, almost strangling him in the process:

“For fuck’s sake, Eddie, never do that again! I thought… I...”

Eddie seemed surprised to see him so worried. He escaped his hug, putting down his chocolate bar, and got up from his chair, leaning his head to the side slightly, while gazing at him with a puzzled look:

“ _What’s wrong?”_

Richie couldn’t help but laugh, almost hysterically. He raised up his glasses, rubbing his eyes thoroughly, answering with this high-pitched tone that indicated that he was definitely not as calm as he hoped to be:

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?! I called you a hundred times! I thought you were hurt or dead or… or… or I don’t even know! And… And I find you here, eating chocolate, as if nothing happened, as if I didn’t spend the last hours running and driving around Bangor looking for you! For fuck’s sake, Eddie!”

Eddie visibly shrunk down at Richie’s screams, an anguished hum escaping his throat. Richie covered his face, rubbing it brutally a few times, almost knocking off his glasses in the process. He had to calm down… He had to!

“Where were you? Why was your phone turned off? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?”

No, he probably didn’t. Richie focused on his breathing, hugging himself tightly, trying to keep his temper at bay. Eddie was in a bad place at the moment. Surely, he had no idea why Richie was so worked up… His boyfriend was trembling, his bottom lip wobbling, already raising his fist to hit himself. Fuck!

Richie stopped him immediately, squeezing his hand tightly.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Eddie. I… I’m not angry. I… I was just really, really worried. Do you want to tell me where you’ve been?”

Eddie wasn’t looking at him. His gaze was stuck to the ground, quiet sobs shaking his whole body. He probably wasn’t able to communicate at the moment… Richie sighed, kissing him on the forehead and apologizing once again:

“It’s okay, Eddie. Everything’s okay. I… Come with me to our room, okay? I’m… I’m really tired, right now.”

Richie could barely stand on his legs, now that he was reassured to know where Eddie was. His body was screaming for some rest, and Richie decided to grant him, while making sure that his boyfriend was okay. Eddie almost had to support his weight while they walked to their bedroom, Richie sighing when he laid down on the mattress, taking off his shoes negligently. Eddie joined him immediately, curling up and looking for his contact, whimpering distressingly.

Richie hugged his boyfriend, caressing his hair tenderly, kissing him feverishly. For a moment, he really thought that he lost him… God, he had been so worried! Without Eddie, he… he wouldn’t…

“I’m so glad you’re okay, Eddie. I… I thought you’d be home or something. That I would find a note, telling me where you were, as you always did. You… uh… You forgot?”

Eddie let out a sob at his question, and Richie knew that he was in the right. Fuck, it happened, Richie should have remained calm instead of screaming at Eddie as if he had caught him doing something terribly wrong. Richie felt horribly guilty, massaging his boyfriend’s back, asking him for forgiveness again and again.

Once Eddie seemed to be calmer, Richie asked again, keeping his voice gentle and affectionate, not wanting to trigger his boyfriend:

“Do you want to tell me where you were, Eddie? I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Eddie bit his bottom lip, and Richie couldn’t help but think that he didn’t want him to _know._ No, it was ridiculous… Eddie was probably just looking for his words, right? He needed time to communicate those last few days, especially when he was that distressed. It was fine. It was okay. Richie smiled at him, a smile filled with love and tenderness. A smile that vanished as soon as Eddie answered, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Arcade Center. Playing games. Didn’t see the time pass.”_

He lied. Eddie just lied to him. Even if Richie didn’t go to the arcade room, asking if anyone saw him today, he would have seen it immediately. Eddie was a terrible liar. He was making eye contact too intensely, and he was stimming nervously, his fingers tapping an unknown rhythm quickly on his legs. Richie couldn’t believe it. Eddie, his Eddie… He lied to him. Outrageously.

“Eddie, I… I went to the arcade center. No one saw you there. They would have noticed you, with your scar and your lightwriter. But no one did. You...”

Richie didn’t know what he was feeling at the moment. A part of him was angry at the thought that Eddie, so adamant on him being honest at all times, was now trying to trick him. But Richie shut it up quickly, knowing that it wasn’t the time to fight with his boyfriend. Most of all, he was sad. Sad that Eddie didn’t trust him and would rather lie to him than tell him the truth.

“Eddie, please. I promise I won’t be angry. Whatever you did, whoever you saw, it’s not worth fighting over it.”

Eddie let out a stressful whine, typing again on his lightwriter:

“ _Was at the arcade! I swear!”_

“Eddie, don’t lie to me, please.” Richie sighed, raising up his glasses, rubbing his swollen eyes. “You can’t expect me to tell the truth all the time and then pull this shit on me. If you don’t want to tell me, don’t, but stop lying to me.”

Eddie pushed him away, getting up from the bed and pacing around the room, gnawing on his fingers. Richie knew that he should stop him, calm him down, but he was… tired. So, so tired. Exhausted, even. What was he supposed to do if Eddie started to lie to him? How could he even hope to help?

A thought came to his mind and, fearing the answer, he asked Eddie:

“Eds… Were you with Myra and Tate? Myra, her phone was off and...”

Eddie immediately stopped mistreating his fingers, freezing on the spot. He hummed nervously and loudly, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Arcade. Not lying.”_

“Eddie...”

“ _Arcade, arcade, arcade, arcade...”_

Eddie repeated this word again and again, and Richie knew that it was futile to discuss it more with him. If he didn’t stop, they would fight and Eddie… Eddie might be even more avoidant. He barely talked or interacted in any way those last few days. Now, he started to lie, and it didn’t bode well for what might happen if Richie insisted. Dr. Park warned him: Eddie wouldn’t take it well if he tried to force a confession out of him.

What if he had another catatonic episode? Richie shivered at the thought. He never wanted that to happen again. He sighed, opening his arms and looking at Eddie, whose humming was about to turn into a scream:

“C’mere, Eds.”

It was all he needed to say and to do for his boyfriend to come back to him. Richie closed his arms around him, tightening his grip. His mind was riddled with questions, concern, pain, but he couldn’t voice any of that. Not without risking to lose Eddie on the spot. Richie sighed again, kissing Eddie’s forehead:

“Next time, warn me, alright? I just want to know that you’re okay. You don’t even have to tell me where you’re going, just leave a note or something. You’d be worried too if I didn’t come home from work, and I didn’t warn you prior to that, right?”

Eddie nodded slowly, whining apologetically. Richie rubbed the back of his neck, whispering to him:

“It’s okay, Eddie. It happens. I’m not angry. I was just worried. I love you.”

Eddie couldn’t talk, but he signed his love back, and Richie smiled weakly, hugging him tightly. He was exhausted, but yet, Eddie was the one who fell asleep, snoring softly. Richie precociously got away, patting his boyfriend tenderly, covering him with their blanket. He’d be back soon. But first, he had a call to make.

After sending a few texts to everyone to reassure them about Eddie, Richie dialed up Myra’s number, tapping the floor nervously with his foot, having trouble staying put. When she answered, he was unable to remain polite with her, asking her directly:

“You were with Eddie, right? What the fuck?”

He was expecting her to deny it, but to his surprise, Myra didn’t even try to hide it, answering happily:

“Hello, Richard. Yes, Eddie texted us yesterday. He wanted to spend some time with Tate. Naturally, I accepted. He didn’t want to spend the day all alone, without anyone around to talk to. They played some games, and I was there to make sure they were okay.”

Richie couldn’t believe it. Was she trying to make him feel guilty? Having more and more troubles to keep his anger in check, he retorted, pacing around quickly:

“Oh yeah? They just _played_? Why the fuck would Eddie lie to me if he was merely playing with your brother? What the fuck did you do?”

Myra remained silent for a short moment. When she answered, her voice was utterly calm, which angered Richie even more:

“I’m sorry, I had no idea Eddie didn’t tell you where he was. If I knew, I would have texted you immediately.”

“Oh, really?”

Myra sighed heavily, her voice suddenly laced up with sadness:

“Richard, if there’s someone who knows what you’re going through with Eddie, it’s me. If it were Tate and I didn’t know where he was, I would have been so worried that I might have died on the spot. I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through that. I don’t know why Eddie lied to you, but I can assure you that I’ll text you and keep you updated next time I’ll see him.”

Richie didn’t know what to say. He remained silent, almost stunned, while Myra added with an apologetic voice:

“Eddie actually wanted to come tomorrow. He really had fun with Tate, and Tate is definitely livelier whenever Eddie’s around. I’d understand if you’re not feeling comfortable with the idea, Richard. I’ll cancel if…!”

“No.” Richie bit his bottom lip, pinching the bridge of his nose. “No, don’t. I… I’ll talk to him. T… Thank you for your honesty.”

“Obviously, Richard. Again, I’m so sorry you were left in the dark that way. There’s no feeling worse than the one you must have experienced. If I were you, I would have come to my flat and decked me straight in the chin.”

Richie smiled weakly at Myra’s attempt at joking. As much as he was still suspicious, he had to admit that she didn’t try to hide a thing, not even the fact that Eddie actually planned to come to see her and Tate the next day. Richie didn’t suspect it at all, why would she bring it up if she wasn’t sincerely sorry about what happened?

“I’m sorry about my outburst. Can you… Can you text me when he’s at your flat and when you’re bringing him home? I just want to make sure he’s okay.”

“Of course, dear. I won’t forget to do so. And don’t apologize, please. I should have made sure that Eddie properly warned you beforehand. I’m a big sister, I’m supposed to know instinctively about this kind of thing...”

They shared a few more pleasantries, Richie inquiring about Tate’s well-being, before she hung up, leaving Richie utterly confused. One minute, he was ready for a fight, and now… now he was just letting Eddie go there? Fuck… But it was probably for the best. Eddie would be so angry if he forbade him to see his friend. And now, Richie would actually be in the loop and know where his boyfriend was and if everything was okay.

His exhaustion getting the better of him, he came back to his room, lying down next to Eddie, capturing him in a tight hug. Eddie’s eyes fluttered, a tired moan escaping his lips. Richie kissed him, shushing him softly. Later, he would ask why Eddie felt the need to lie to him about that. But now, he just needed some rest and to know that his boyfriend was there, safe in his arms.

He couldn’t help, but wonder if he was at fault… Maybe Richie was definitely too overbearing and/or restrictive? Eddie must have thought that he would get angry or that he wouldn’t allow him to go, just like he had been worried when he went out to eat with Myra and Tate, not telling him what he did. The idea that Eddie might be scared of him was breaking his heart in a thousand pieces. Richie hugged him tighter, whispering to his ear:

“I love you, Eds. I just want you to be happy. I’m sorry.”

Richie didn’t know if Eddie heard him. He kissed his forehead, caressing his boyfriend’s hair gently. It was his fault… It was his fault, and he needed to fix it. Richie wasn’t going to be the reason why Eddie felt compelled to lie and hide secrets any longer. His partner deserved more than that from him. Richie would get better. He promised. For Eddie’s sake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Myra's dialogue is actually really interesting to write. Infuriating too, sure. Things are not going well between Eddie and Richie. Eddie's openly lied to Richie multiple times and Richie... Richie's just worried and exhausted. He doesn't know what to do and he's getting frustrated. On top of that, he also feels guilty, which doesn't help.
> 
> And Eddie is still not ready to talk, on the contrary. Next chapter is going to be about his day spent with Tate and Myra, I can't wait to write it! I already planned a part of it, I hope you'll like it.
> 
> I hope you appreciated this chapter. I'm glad I was able to write it at all, to be honest, everything just seemed to be stacked up against me today. Hoping the day will be better tomorrow.
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd really love to know what you thought about it, especially Myra and Richie's conversation. I really loved writing it, I hope it comes off as natural. You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it and/or subscribe to the story/series!
> 
> Have a nice day! See you soon!


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you're doing okay c:. Still having some hard time, but I'm doing a bit better, I just need to take a step back and to breathe sometimes x). 
> 
> Welcome to the 31st chapter! I hope you'll like it! I don't know how many chapters I'm going to write, probably around ten to fifteen so that I'll be able to wrap it all up, but we're getting progressively near the end and it feels so weird. Writing this fanfic helped me so much to get through most days, I'm going to miss it. 
> 
> Thank you all for your continued support c:. Every single one of your words really helped, day after day. Don't underestimate your power as a reader ;).
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for ableism  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for abuse
> 
> I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Eddie did his best to convince Richie to go to work. Usually, he would love to get to spend more time with him, but right now, he needed him out, so that he could go discreetly to Myra’s place. Eddie didn’t like to lie or hide things from Richie, but it was for the greater good. Myra was going to teach him how to talk, and his boyfriend would be so happy, hearing his name coming out of Eddie’s lips, getting to listen to him saying “I love you”. And without having to use his lightwriter!

Despite how heavy his heart was, Eddie managed to put a smile on his face and communicate with his partner and Mike, letting them know that he was fine and that he just needed some alone time. Fortunately, Richie and Mike listened to him and agreed to leave the flat, without insisting too much. If they didn’t, Eddie would have had to cancel his plans with Myra and Tate, and he would have felt horrible for doing so… 

Myra had no obligation to help him, and yet, she accepted as soon as he asked, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. The least he could do was to actually be here, ready to learn. As soon as Richie and Mike left, Eddie started to pace around, flapping his arms, trying to calm himself down. Now that he could finally express how nervous he was, Eddie was on the verge of exploding, closing his fists on his thumbs to avoid hitting himself.

Gnocchi, usually glued to her master whenever he was around, was staying away, sensing the tension coming from him. Eddie couldn’t help it. He didn’t know what to expect or how he would fare, and it stressed him out. What if Myra couldn’t teach him a thing? What if she gave up on him? After her, Tate would probably do the same. Maggie and Went too. The Losers. Mike. Richie. Eddie bit his bottom lip, whining loudly, startling his poor cat.

He had to calm down. If he didn’t, he would be too anxious to be productive, and it wouldn’t be good. Opening their cupboards, he grabbed a handful of biscuits from a box, nibbling on them to alleviate his stress. Eddie knew that it wasn’t a healthy way to cope, but it would help quickly, and he didn’t know what else he should do, other than stuffing his face. It wasn’t enough to fill the empty void in his heart, but it kept him busy, at least.

Right when he finished it all, licking his fingers, his phone vibrated. A text from Myra, informing him that she was waiting for him downstairs, in her car. Eddie made sure to grab his lightwriter and his teddy bear, the plush helping him a little to feel more relaxed. He kissed Gnocchi on the top of her head, whining softly to show his affection. Then he left, humming nervously despite himself.

He waved at Myra and Tate, managing to smile when he saw his friend, who stopped gazing at his Rubik’s Cube to salute him. Knowing that Tate would be here helped to alleviate his stress, if only a little. Tate understood. He would help if needed. Together, they would learn how to talk and keep the people that they loved close. Eddie knew that.

He sat in the back of the car, fastening his seatbelt, smiling clumsily at Myra when she turned around to look at him.

“Hi, Eddie! I’m so glad to see you. The trip shouldn’t be too long, barely twenty minutes or so.”

Eddie nodded, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Hello, Myra, hello, Tate. I’m glad to see you too. Thank you for everything.”_

Myra chuckled, turning on the engine and driving away. While she was focusing on the road, she answered, giving a quick glance at Eddie through the rear-view mirror:

“Oh, there’s no need to thank me, Eddie. We’re friends, right? A friend is supposed to take care of you. If anything, I’m grateful that you actually thought of me to help you. I promise I won’t let you down.”

Afterward, she made some small talk, asking him how he was doing. When Eddie truthfully answered that he was readying himself to go on his mother’s grave, she grimaced sympathetically:

“That’s brave of you, Eddie. I hope it will help, even if it’s just a little bit. What she did to you… I don’t even have the words.”

Eddie whined distressingly, and Myra immediately changed the subject, putting on music at a low volume. It seemed to particularly please Tate, who started to rock back and forth on his seat, letting out a happy noise. Myra put her hand on his knee, squeezing it slightly:

“We’re driving, Tate. Do you remember what you can’t do when we’re driving?”

Eddie stared at Tate, whose eyes were focused on his big sister’s hand still on his leg. She squeezed a second time and, after a while, he managed to answer, enunciating carefully:

“Move… too… much.”

Myra smiled and nodded approvingly, letting him know that he was right. When they stopped at a red light, she gently massaged his neck, Tate whining with joy at her touch. He seemed to like it a lot more than the way she squeezed his knee previously… Tate’s rocking slowed down, and Myra thanked him, adding for Eddie’s sake:

“When we left our parents, Tate couldn’t even say a word. We worked really hard on it, and we still are. If they accepted to see us again, I bet they would be so proud of him. I am, anyway. He’s doing his best.”

Eddie nodded, thoughtful. It probably took them a while to get to this point, but he would be patient. Richie and everyone else were going to be so happy when he’d talk to them, using his vocal cords. He could already picture himself saying Richie’s name, and saying it fully, not just whining its last part, hoping that Richie would understand. As soon as he’d be able to articulate it, Eddie would show him the result of his hard work. A hard work that would ensure that he’d be loved forever…

Myra had been right when she said that they weren’t far. Sooner than later, they arrived at her flat, Eddie hugging nervously the backpack containing his teddy bear, trying to remain calm. He could barely pay attention to Tate, who was decided to show him the many ways he could solve his Rubik’s Cube, trying to do so nonetheless. But his mind was focused entirely elsewhere, wondering what he should expect.

Myra waited for them to take off their shoes and coat, crossing her arms and looking at them. Eddie could see that Tate was struggling, but he wasn’t asking for help, so he supposed that he should do the same. After a few tries, he managed to take it all off, keeping his backpack in his arms. Myra glanced at it with a curious look, but she didn’t ask about it. Instead, she invited Eddie and her brother to sit on the couch, pulling out a chair and facing them.

Eddie started to shake his leg, having troubles to conceal his nervousness, and Myra smiled at him, letting him know with a soft voice:

“If you changed your mind, we can always drop the lesson for now. You’re the one who gets to decide what we’re doing.”

Eddie bit his bottom lip at her words. He shook his head, chasing the stressful thoughts that were plaguing his mind, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I want to learn. I’m ready.”_

Myra’s smile widened considerably, and Tate flapped his hands, visibly happy to have company for his speech lessons. She held out her hand to Eddie, palm up:

“Then, I’m going to have to ask you to lend me your lightwriter and your phone.”

Her words caused him to freeze. Eddie’s fingers hovered over his lightwriter, trembling slightly. He never let anyone besides Richie or his folks touching his precious communication device. He couldn’t help but tense visibly, her anxiety not going unnoticed to Myra, who immediately attempted to reassure him and explain him her process:

“You’ll get them back as soon as the lesson is over, don’t worry. I’m also taking away Tate’s notebook and communication board. If your usual alternate ways to communicate aren’t available, it will be easier to convince your body and your brain to let you talk verbally.”

Eddie didn’t want to. Giving his lightwriter felt like he was tearing off his arms or legs. If he couldn’t reach for the device, then he’d be unable to communicate at all. But after all, that was the point, right? If he had nothing else, then Eddie would try even harder to get the words out… He finally nodded and handed her his phone, but he still found himself unable to lend her his lightwriter.

Eddie heard Tate enunciating his first name, as if to encourage him, while Myra was still holding her hand out, patiently waiting for him to make his move:

“You do want me to teach you, right, Eddie? I need to be sure. I might be a little harsh sometimes, but it’s only for your own good. Learning or relearning how to talk verbally is not an easy feat. But see how far Tate came! I’m sure you’ll be as good as him, if you want to give it a try.”

Eddie wanted to. He really wanted to. But it was hard. Taking a deep breath, he managed to put the lightwriter in Myra’s hands, instantly sliding his fingers between his lips and sucking on them to prevent himself from grabbing it back. She put his things away, before coming back and praising him, her lips stretched in a warm smile:

“I’m really proud of you for taking this first step, Eddie. Can you take your fingers out of your mouth? It’s going to be difficult for you to start talking if they’re in the way...”

Reluctantly, Eddie stopped sucking on them. Looking for comfort, he pulled out his teddy bear from his bag, hugging it tightly. He couldn’t help it, he was just very, very anxious about the whole thing… Myra looked at the battered plush, frowning her nose slightly, before she asked Eddie, getting up from her chair, her fingers grazing the stuffed animal’s arm:

“Your first lesson will be to recover your teddy bear. For that, I’d like you to articulate the word “Give”. Can I take it?”

She started to pull on it, and Eddie let her do so, despite how much he wanted to take it back. Myra thanked him, putting the stuffed animal on her knees, facing Eddie. She started to mindlessly play with it, agitating its arms and legs slightly, while Eddie’s breath began to turn into a wheeze, barely handling the fact that his comfort object was out of reach, touched by someone he didn't know much yet:

“Give. You only have to say that. Give. Focus on your breathing, put your fingers on your throat, and feel the vibrations that your voice is creating whenever you’re using it. You’re in control of your body, you’re deciding what it should or shouldn’t do.”

Eddie really, really wanted his teddy bear back. He felt naked and vulnerable, unable to hug his comfort object in a very unsettling situation. At first, he could barely get past the first letter, grimacing and struggling, squirming in his seat. Eddie let out a frustrated noise, and Myra immediately reacted:

“No need to rush. We can stay here all day if needed. I believe in you, Eddie. If you really want your stuffed animal back, I know you can ask me to give it to you. Just one, tiny, little word.”

Eddie jumped, startled, when Tate grabbed his other hand, putting it on his throat. He enunciated the words, and Eddie felt the vibrations, the way his vocal cords managed to get the articulated sound out, so easily:

“Give.”

Myra praised him for his initiative, and her brother squealed, letting go of Eddie’s hand to flap his. Eddie’s fingers went back to his own throat, caressing the skin. Myra was right. He really wanted his bear back. It was his father’s gift, and it was one of the last things he had left of him. Perhaps it was childish, but Eddie didn’t care. His plush helped him so many times to hang in there, to hold on despite what he had to go through. He needed it.

So, he tried, again and again. Until he finally managed to get the word out:

“Guh… Guh-ive!”

It wasn’t perfect, far from it. But it was enough for Myra, who handed him back his plush, grinning openly:

“See? You’re asking verbally, and I’m giving it back. That’s how it’s going to work from now on, whenever we have a lesson. When you want something, you have to say it out loud, and I’ll grant it to you.”

Eddie nodded, hugging his plush tightly, more relaxed now that his comfort object was back. He had to let it go right after, though, Myra training him to say the word once again. Whenever he managed to say it, Myra would give the teddy bear back, before taking it away afterward. It lasted for a while, so long that Eddie started to get bored out of his mind. But he kept on doing it, his mind focused on Richie. Richie, who would be so happy… Richie, who…

His train of thoughts abruptly came to a halt when Eddie realized something fundamental. He completely forgot to leave a note, telling where he was! Whenever he was going for a walk, Eddie always made sure to warn Richie and Mike, so that they wouldn’t worry if they were back before he was! Eddie whined anxiously, making grabby hands, trying to get Myra to understand that he needed his lightwriter or his phone back.

Myra shook her head, reminding him with a calm expression on her face:

“Remember, Eddie. You have to ask.”

“Ask.” Tate repeated, putting his fingers on Eddie’s throat. “Ask.”

But Eddie didn’t know how to do so. He attempted to articulate, shaking his leg nervously:

“Guh-Give! Give!”

“Give what, Eddie? You already have your stuffed animal. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

How? Eddie never learned how to say any of those words. He attempted to, but merely managed to let unintelligible moans out, until he understood that he couldn’t get his point across. Biting his bottom lip, he shook his head, staring at the ground. Myra sighed, joining her hands:

“Well, I guess it wasn’t really important, if you’re already giving up.”

It was important! It was about Richie! Richie was always important! But… But he couldn’t say the words. And… And he needed to keep on learning, instead of wasting his time on something he couldn’t accomplish at the moment. Even if it meant that he couldn’t warn Richie and Mike that he wasn’t at their flat for now…

Reflexively, Eddie slipped his fingers between his lips, sucking on them. His hand was suddenly yanked away, and he couldn’t stop himself from screaming, startled by the sudden touch and the fact that he had been stopped from stimming. Myra stood up and was holding his wrist in a tight grip, preventing him from getting his hand near his mouth. Tate did the same with his other hand, letting out a sharp “No!”.

Eddie’s breath got stuck in his throat, unable to process what was just happening. He felt trapped, powerless, in a way he hadn’t been for months. He managed to let out a weak moan, gurgling in fear, and he attempted to struggle, but Myra’s hold was firm, her voice remaining soft and calm, while she was reminding him:

“You agreed to this, Eddie. I warned you beforehand, and you still wanted me to teach you. My lessons, my rules. You don’t put your hands in your mouth, and you’re not doing or getting anything if you’re not able to ask for it. Do you still want me to teach you, Eddie?”

He didn’t know. He was scared. His wrists were hurting, especially on Tate’s end, his friend seemingly not noticing how hard he was gripping it. Biting on his bottom lip, Eddie whined again, sinking his teeth in the flesh. Seeing his behavior, Myra’s expression softened up, offering him an out:

“We can still stop. If you’re shaking your head, I won’t teach you anymore. You’d get your lightwriter back and play with Tate for the rest of the day. But if you’re giving up once, you’re giving up forever.”

Using her free hand, she caressed his cheek, Eddie shivering at the intruding and unwanted physical contact:

“You already managed to articulate a word, Eddie. Give. You can say it out loud. Don’t you want to learn many more words? Don’t you want to make your friend Richie proud? Think about how happy he’ll be when he’s going to hear you say all of those new words. How proud he’ll be.”

As soon as she mentioned Richie, Eddie ceased to struggle, still wheezing anxiously. Richie. He was doing it for Richie, from his own volition. He could stop whenever he wanted, it wasn’t like his old therapy sessions or with his mom. If he gave up, Myra would drop it, simply enough. He was the one in control. They would be doing whatever he wanted to, and, right now, Eddie… Eddie wanted to learn to say his boyfriend’s name. And Mike too. And everyone else as well.

“So, Eddie, do you want me to teach you?”

Myra would help. He knew it. She wasn’t going to back down like his therapist, as soon as she realized how distressing it was for him. Myra wasn’t focused on his recovery or his other issues. She wanted to help him to learn how to talk, so that he’ll be loved. 

She was the only one who would help. He needed her. Eddie finally nodded, exhaling once Tate and Myra let go of his wrists, massaging them. Tate’s grip really hurt… He seemed to notice, glancing at Eddie’s hands and hitting his own leg, mumbling a “Sorry” at the same time. Myra shook her head at the sight, sitting next to Tate and massaging his neck:

“Shh. You just wanted to help. It’s okay. Eddie needs you too. You’re going to show him that it’s possible to learn, right? No matter how hard it seems.”

Tate sighed happily, enjoying his sister’s gentle massage. When she was done, he glanced at Eddie, enunciating cautiously:

“Help Eddie. Friend.”

Eddie managed to stretch a weak smile on his lips, despite how upset he was feeling at the moment. He was lucky to have a friend like Tate. It was obvious how hard it was for him to get the words out, but he was still willing to put in the effort to let Eddie know that he supported him. That he’d be there to help, just like Myra.

Grabbing his plush’s arm once again, Myra asked him, winking at him:

“Again?”

Eddie allowed it, nodding to show his consent. And he repeated the same word, again and again, until he wasn’t hesitating anymore. He was restless, antsy, and struggling not to hit himself, but the results were there: Eddie could say “give”. He could say it out loud, focusing fully on the action, getting the word out.

His throat was hurting slightly, and his thoughts were getting confused when Myra handed him back his lightwriter and phone, patting his head gently. Eddie was too out of it to even think about protesting or flinching, getting his precious communication devices back:

“Good work, Eddie. Next time, we’ll try to learn more words. Try to practice whenever you can, alright? If you have specific words you’d want to learn, let me know, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Eddie nodded, his fingers hovering over his lightwriter. He finally managed to type, focusing wholly on this task, that seemed excruciating:

“ _Thank you.”_

“No, Eddie, thank you. Thank you for trusting us.”

She glanced at her watch, gasping out loud:

“Oh, dear, it’s so late already! You must be hungry! Let me cook something for you two!”

Myra got up and went quickly to the kitchen, leaving them on their own. Eddie curled up on the couch, sighing tiredly. He felt… weird. He couldn’t really describe it. It was a strange mix of satisfaction and frustration, happiness and sadness, excitement and exhaustion. The only thing he was sure of was how confused he was at the moment.

Tate poked his scarred cheek with his index finger, showing him his notebook. Eddie rubbed his eyes, focusing on deciphering his friend’s scribbling. Tate didn’t bother with full sentences, knowing that Eddie would get him regardless:

_Good. Big sister happy. Likes you. People stay when good. Leave when bad._

Eddie nodded thoughtfully, handing back his notebook to Tate. He worked very hard, and Myra liked him as a result. It was something he had control over. If he kept on making efforts, Richie, Mike, and everyone else would always love him as a result. That’s how things worked, he knew it. Tate knew it too.

The lunch managed to give Eddie some of his energy back, munching happily on his fries, delighted by the chocolate pudding that Myra specifically bought for him. His thoughts less confused, he finally remembered that he hadn’t warned Richie nor Mike about his leave. He was about to do so, pulling out his phone, when Myra noticed it, asking him curiously:

“Do you want to call someone?”

Eddie shook his head. He put his phone aside, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I want to text Richie and Mike, let them know that I’m here and that they shouldn’t worry.”_

“Oh.”

Her tone shifted as well as her expression, showing obvious concern. Eddie raised an eyebrow, confused, and Myra shared her thoughts:

“I’m not sure you should tell your friends about today. They don’t know that you want to learn how to talk, right?”

Eddie nodded, an interrogative whine escaping his lips. She glanced at Tate, who was now focused back on his Rubik’s Cube, tired from this morning’s lesson and his improvised role as a “teacher”, before she explained, an apologetic smile on her lips:

“If you’re telling them that you’re here, Richie is probably going to ask why. If you’re not able to lie convincingly, then he might get suspicious and prevent you from coming or insist that he should be there. If it happens, then I won’t be able to teach you how to talk. You understand?”

Eddie nodded once again, sucking nervously on his index finger. Richie would disapprove of Myra’s methods, no matter the end result. He would fight her on this, and Eddie wouldn’t be able to see Myra or, even worse, Tate again. No, Richie couldn’t know. Eddie had to make sure that he wouldn’t come.

“ _So, I have to tell him something else. It’s for his own good.”_

Myra nodded approvingly, smiling widely:

“Exactly. Think about how happy he’ll be, once you’ll be able to say more words!”

Richie would be so, so happy. And he’d love him forever, because he would know that Eddie was ready to do everything to get “better”, to talk so that the people he cared about wouldn’t leave. As much as he hated it, Eddie needed to lie. For Richie’s sake.

He typed on his lightwriter, a determined expression on his face:

“ _Next time, I want to learn how to say Richie’s name.”_

Myra’s smile faltered slightly, but she still nodded at his demand:

“Of course, Eddie. Anything you want. Remember, you’re the one in control.”

Despite how hard it was, how painful it could be, in the end, it was ultimately Eddie’s choice. It wasn’t forced on him, like his mother did. Myra would listen if he decided to give up, contrary to his ex-therapist, who insisted again and again, no matter how much he showed that he didn’t want to participate in her exercises.

It hurt, but it was for a good cause. Eddie would be loved. Forever.

*

Eddie thought he’d be able to lie convincingly. He hadn’t anticipated the fact that Richie would have visited the arcade room to check if he was around. After all, he didn’t go there before, not even with Richie nor Mike, and he rarely went alone to a place he hadn’t visited first with his boyfriend and/or his friend.

But Richie saw right through his lie, and Eddie felt terrible, the feeling lingering when he woke up quite late, his partner hugging him tightly.

Richie wasn’t sleeping either. He was looking at him with watchful eyes, kissing him on the forehead when he noticed that Eddie was awake:

“Hey, Eds. Feel better?”

Eddie nodded, although he wasn’t really sure about that. He was less tired, sure, but… but he lied to Richie, and he worried him. If only he left a freaking note, it wouldn’t have happened! But now, Richie knew that he went out to see Myra and Tate, and he was going to tell him that he couldn’t anymore, and…!

“I’m sorry, Eddie.”

Eddie’s train of thoughts came to a halt. A surprised “Uh?” made its way out of his throat. Richie straightened up, handing Eddie his lightwriter, gnawing shortly on his fingernails. He seemed really upset. Eddie hated to see him like that. Even worse, knowing that it was his fault.

“You felt obligated to lie to me. And when you had your back against the wall, I insisted and made you upset. But if I hadn't been so overbearing all the time, you would have told me the truth.”

Richie sighed, rubbing his eyes. Eddie shook his head, about to type on his lightwriter, but his partner interrupted him before he could even touch the keys:

“No, don’t try to convince me otherwise, Eds. I know that I’m too much. I’m… I’m working on it, but it’s not easy. I… I want you to be happy, and those last few days, you always seemed so upset, I didn’t know how to help. I… I thought Myra might have hurt you or something and that you didn’t want to tell me.”

Eddie whined softly, getting closer to Richie and hugging him. His guilt was still there, lingering in his guts, his heart. Richie wasn’t entirely wrong, Myra’s teaching method was quite harsh, but Eddie was a willing participant. He wasn’t hurting because of Myra, he was suffering because he had to, in order to learn. That way, Eddie would always be loved, putting the efforts for that to happen.

“I called her, you know? She, uh, she told me that you had fun with Tate. That you were planning on coming back tomorrow. I… uh… I’m not going to stop you, if that’s what you were worried about.”

Eddie felt even more guilty, hiding his face in Richie’s chest. In the end, Myra had to lie for him, because Eddie was too stupid to do it himself. And Richie believed her and wasn’t trying to convince him to do otherwise, despite how worried he probably was. Eddie was the worst…

“Eds, I… I love you. And… And I don’t know what I did or said to make you so wary of me, but I swear that I’m going to become a better partner, and that you’d never have to feel that you should lie to me. I...”

Eddie interrupted him, planting a kiss on his lips. He immediately deepened it, losing himself in the touch, the contact, the love. He didn’t want to hear Richie apologize about all of that ever again. His boyfriend had been nothing but sweet, trying to be there for Eddie as much as possible. Eddie… Eddie needed to learn how to talk, and it hurt. But it wasn’t Richie’s fault or responsibility.

Once they parted, Eddie typed on his lightwriter, keeping his eyes down and doing his best to not start tearing up:

“ _I love you, Richie. You’re the best partner I could dream of. Don’t change anything.”_

Eddie was the one who needed to change. To become better and to deserve them all. Richie, Mike, Went, Maggie, the Losers… He was going to work hard, and he’d finally be worthy of their affection. Starting now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, uh... That was hard to write. Interesting, but intense. Writing Myra's dialogue and behavior, I took inspiration from people who, let's say, knew what to tell or to do to get me to do whatever they wanted to. Pretended to be my friend and all, managing to convince me that it was for my own good. 
> 
> Eddie has never really been confronted to that kind of manipulation before, and he's highly focused on his goal, so he doesn't get what's happening. It hurts, but he thinks it's for the greater good and accepts it. Unlearning this kind of stuff and seeing the truth, it ain't easy, at all. And it doesn't help that Tate is so used to Myra's behavior that he doesn't question it for a second. He just thinks he's helping his friend and that it's for the best.
> 
> It's complicated, messy, and painful, for Eddie and anyone involved, directly or indirectly. But things will get better...
> 
> Thank you for reading c:. Don't hesitate to leave a comment if you feel like it, I'd really like to discuss Myra's tactics and why you think she's so adamant about teaching Eddie (among other things, of course c:). You can also subscribe to this story and/or series, if you feel like it, and leave a kudos.
> 
> Have a nice day! Take care and see you soon!


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay c:. Welcome to the 32nd chapter of this fanfic! I hope you'll appreciate it c:. I had a good time writing it! 
> 
> No trigger warnings I can think of in this chapter, but if something seems upsetting, don't hesitate to tell me and I'll put it as a TW. 
> 
> Good reading!

Richie stretched his limbs, climbing the stairs to reach their flat. The day had been pretty intense, and he was definitely happy to be back home. He was glad to know that Eddie was already there, his boyfriend spending now most of his days at Myra and Tate’s flat whenever Richie and Mike weren’t around. 

Richie couldn’t say that he was really enthusiastic about the whole thing, but, at least, Eddie didn’t have to stay alone while they were working. And Myra actually kept his promise, texting him whenever Eddie was at her flat and when she drove him back home. He didn’t have to wonder anymore where his boyfriend was or if he was okay. Richie had an easier time focusing on his work, as a result.

Eddie seemed to be doing a bit better than he did before or, more precisely, it didn’t get worse. Sometimes, his boyfriend would have these random outbursts, a surge of emotion that he couldn’t keep under control, and Richie would do his best to comfort him and prevent Eddie from hurting himself. But he was communicating more and, as far as Richie knew, he didn’t attempt to lie to him anymore.

Whenever he asked him about his day, Eddie would tell him about his chess game with Tate, the long walk they did, or the movies they watched. Richie could listen to him for hours, admiring his vivid expressions, the way he moved his whole body while talking, how his eyes seemed to glisten whenever he was chatting about something that he really appreciated. Richie hoped that it would only get better as time went by, that Eddie would feel safe enough to share his thoughts with him, tell him what preoccupied him so much.

Richie definitely noticed that Eddie was more tired than usual, the number of his quick naps increasing when Richie was back home or during the weekend. Quite often, Richie felt a sudden weight on his shoulder while they were watching a movie, Eddie’s head resting against him, his body relaxed, a soft snore escaping his lips.

But it didn’t happen only when they were sitting. During their walks too. Richie didn’t know how many times he had to carry him back to their car or, if they were in the park, sitting on a bench and guiding his boyfriend into lying down, resting his head on his knees. Richie would lie if he pretended that it didn’t worry him, but he chalked it up to Eddie constantly socializing, to a degree he definitely wasn’t used to.

Eddie told him so. He was really happy to see his friend and Myra, but he felt exhausted once it was over. “In a good way”, he insisted, brushing off Richie’s concern. Discussing with Mike, Richie concluded that he would most likely push Eddie away if he tried to convince him to see Myra and Tate less often. The balance they achieved was definitely fragile, and Richie didn’t want to risk losing his partner while trying to help him.

Entering their flat, Richie proclaimed that he was home, waiting for Eddie to answer or arrive. No such luck. But Eddie was definitely here, Myra texted him an hour ago to tell him so. Noticing that their bedroom door was opened, Richie walked to it, smiling when he finally saw his Eddie Spaghetti.

Swaying slightly on his feet, he was listening to some music, headphones on his head, while he was folding their clothes and putting them in a neat pile on the bed. Richie could hear him humming a tune, and he almost caught himself cooing out loud, thinking how cute his boyfriend was at the moment. Richie couldn’t resist any longer, taking a few steps to reach Eddie from behind and hug him, putting a kiss on the top of his head.

Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to surprise him like that, Richie should have probably realized it sooner. Eddie tensed and threw his head back as a reflex, hitting Richie’s chin. Slightly stunned, he took a few steps back, while Eddie dropped the clothes he was holding, turning around and facing Richie, a worried whine making its way out of his throat.

“Iiie!”

Fortunately, Richie was quick to recover. Shaking his head, he adjusted his glasses, kissing Eddie’s cute nose and taking off his headphones in the meantime. Smiling gently, he immediately reassured Eddie, who seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown:

“I’m okay, Eds. I… I probably should have warned you beforehand. My bad.”

Richie caressed his partner’s cheek, adding with a concerned voice:

“And you? You gave me a hell of a headbutt, it probably hurts...”

Eddie shrugged, hugging Richie tightly, burying his face in his chest. Richie let him do so, hugging him back, waiting for his boyfriend to calm down. Looking around them, Richie finally noticed the suitcase on their bed, already filled with bathroom and health supplies. He couldn’t help but chuckle a little, recognizing his boyfriend’s tendency to overprepare for pretty much anything.

“Hey, Eds, we’re only leaving for a few days, no need to take the whole pharmacy with us. Besides, I’m pretty sure that Audra and Bill have this kind of stuff too, so you don’t have to worry.”

Richie was sure that launching Eddie on this topic was the best way to make him forget about their little incident. And he wasn’t wrong. His partner immediately ended their hug, groaning and typing on his lightwriter:

“ _We need to be fully prepared! What if they don’t have these supplies, and we’re in dire need of them?”_

“Then we can always buy them. They live in a city, not in the middle of nowhere.”

Eddie didn’t seem entirely convinced, but he didn’t insist, grabbing Richie by the collar to get a kiss from him. He happily obliged, smacking his lips afterward to enjoy a little bit more of Eddie’s taste. He liked it whenever his partner was bossy. Richie didn’t know what it said about him, but he definitely enjoyed the moments Eddie would act authoritatively, almost manhandling him.

“ _So, you think I should empty our suitcase?”_

Richie nodded, grabbing a spray and showing it to his boyfriend, winking at him with a cheeky grin:

“Yeah, definitely. I’m gonna help you with the rest. I always love it whenever you play Dr. K, but we can only bring so much in a suitcase, and we have to be smart about it.”

“ _A cut can get infected so quickly. It might come in handy. You’re sure we shouldn’t take it?”_

Richie smiled, doing his best to alleviate his partner’s concern. He wasn’t going to mock Eddie, he knew how stressful he must felt, given that it was the first time he was going to board a plane. Richie wasn’t surprised, he definitely expected Eddie’s usual concern to get bigger, probably a way for him to feel in control of what was about to happen. They only had two days left before their big trip, after all…

“I’m sure, Eddie. Listen, if you’re really worried, we can always call Bill and Audra, make sure that they have it all.”

Eddie seemed to hesitate, but he finally shook his head, bending to reach for the scattered clothes he dropped previously:

“ _No. I don’t want to bother them.”_

Richie grimaced at his words. And there he was, his Eddie full of self-doubt, anxious that he might be a trouble for anyone around him. Richie immediately reacted, not wanting to see Eddie starting to spiral and to risk going through one of his episodes:

“It’s up to you, Eds, but I’m convinced they wouldn’t mind. It’s alright to feel stressed out, you know? I’m a bit nervous too.”

Eddie stood up, his arms full of clothes that he still needed to fold. He put them on the bed, looking at Richie with an eyebrow raised, asking him with an expression full of disbelief:

“ _Really?”_

Richie chuckled, starting to help Eddie and emptying the content of their suitcase. Yeah, no, they definitely didn’t need that many supplies… If they kept it all, they wouldn’t have nearly enough space to put their clothes as well.

“Of course. It’s my first time boarding a plane too. But to be honest, I’m more worried about Bill and Audra… I just hope it’s gonna be okay.”

Eddie nodded, thoughtful. He folded a few clothes, before he typed on his lightwriter:

“ _You think they’re going to break up?”_

Richie sighed, scratching the back of his neck. It seemed very likely. The fact that they were still together at this point was beyond him, but maybe they were hoping to fix whatever was broken between them. If they could only hope to do so.

“Probably, yeah. I don’t know. Some people stick together because they’re too scared to be alone. Maybe it’s their case.”

Eddie chewed on his bottom lip, putting the clothes he folded in the suitcase. Afterward, he sat on the bed, and Richie did the same, caressing his hair tenderly, giving Eddie the time he needed to express his thoughts:

“ _It’s sad. They both deserve better. If they just don’t love each other anymore and suffer from it all, it’s best to end it, right?”_

“Yeah, but it’s not our place to decide that for them. It’s their choice. If either Bill or Audra wants to talk about that with us, then we can tell them what we’re thinking, but until then, I think it’s best to just drop the subject altogether and let them do what they think is appropriate.”

As tempted as Richie was to help, in any way possible, he didn’t want to make it any worse. Especially for Mike, who was coming with them and had to conceal his feelings for Bill. He couldn’t imagine what it was like, being on the sidelines and watching the person he loved being in love with someone else.

He tried to discuss it with Mike, see if he needed his support, if he could do something for him, but to no avail. Mike didn’t want to talk about it and, when he did, it was usually to tell Richie that he was handling it and that they should focus on Eddie’s well-being instead. Sure, Richie was concerned about his boyfriend, but that didn’t mean that Mike should just suck it up and handle it all on his own…

Why couldn’t they just rely on him? Richie was beyond frustrated, seeing those he loved so much suffering and refusing his help. But he couldn’t take it on Eddie or Mike. It wouldn’t make the situation any better, on the contrary. Eddie would pull away further and further, and Mike… well, Mike would keep on pretending that he was fine until he would eventually explode. Richie just had to hope that they’d confide in him before it would happen.

Helping Eddie to prepare their stuff, Richie asked him about his day, trying not to be too obvious in the way he was observing his boyfriend. He just wanted to make sure that Eddie was really okay, that he wasn’t attempting to cover something he didn’t wish Richie to know about. But if he did… What was Richie supposed to do? Eddie would very likely insist that he was telling the truth, and they would probably end up fighting. Richie didn’t want that to happen…

Eddie didn’t seem to lie, though. He told him about the time he spent at Myra and Tate’s flat, the puzzle book they read together, Eddie in awe of his friend’s impeccable logic, how easily he skimmed through it and solved it all:

“ _He’s really intelligent! I barely had the time to finish reading the riddle that he already figured it out. I don’t know how he’s doing that.”_

“I guess he’s really passionate. So, you had fun?”

Eddie nodded energetically, smiling widely. Richie couldn’t help but notice that Eddie never talked much about Myra, whenever he told him about his day. Maybe she was mostly staying on the side, making sure that they were okay, just like Richie did when he was bringing Eddie to the autism association? He didn’t feel like intruding in Tate and Eddie’s interactions, the way they seemed to communicate without needing words, this connection between them…

Richie hoped that, whatever was happening, being with Tate would help Eddie to feel better. Perhaps his friend could figure out what was escaping Richie’s understanding of the situation? He was very likely to get Eddie in a way Richie would never be able to, as much as Richie wanted to be there for his boyfriend. He loved him, but he could never truly know what Eddie was going through or how he was handling it all. Richie had to make peace with this idea, as hurtful as it was.

Their suitcase was finally filled with what they needed, and Richie closed it, sighing with relief. He invited Eddie to lie down with him on the bed, tracing his back with his fingertips, appreciating the way his boyfriend curled up against him, resting his head on his chest. Richie could spend the rest of his life like that, and he would be the happiest man in the world.

“We’re all set for our trip. You’re still nervous about it, Eds?”

Eddie shrugged, typing on his lightwriter with a thoughtful expression:

“ _Not so much. Dr. Park helped. And I know that I’ll be with you and Mike, so it’s less scary to think about it.”_

“I’m glad to hear that. Don’t hesitate to tell me if you start to get anxious, okay? I’ll make sure to help you relax, in any way that you’d like.”

Eddie remained silent for a short moment, before he straightened up, straddling Richie and looking at him with a gaze full of desire:

“ _Actually, I think I need to relax right now. And I know just the way to do that. I bet you do too.”_

Richie grinned, reaching his boyfriend’s face and caressing his scarred cheek, teasing him gently:

“Really? I have no idea how to help. You’re gonna have to be very explicit, Eds.”

Eddie groaned as an answer, leaning down to kiss him. Richie put his glasses aside, right before he felt his boyfriend’s lips against his own, opening his mouth slightly to allow Eddie’s tongue in. Richie could feel that his partner was already excited, the bulge in his pants making it quite obvious, and he was getting close to it as well, when he suddenly heard the front door opening, Gnocchi meowing happily at Mike’s return.

He slowed down Eddie, chuckling at his dismayed expression:

“Come on, Eds, don’t look so glum. We’re just postponing it a little. Aren’t you happy to see Mike?”

Eddie nodded, glancing at their bedroom door, who was still closed at the moment, before looking back at Richie, pulling out the sad puppy eyes:

“ _We can do it quickly, right? It’ll only take five minutes.”_

Richie laughed openly, shaking his head and straightening up, pushing Eddie gently off his body:

“I’m really flattered that you think I can get you off so fast, but no, Eddie. Besides, I was only starting to get into it, I would need way more than five minutes to come.”

Eddie glanced at Richie’s crotch, grimacing when he noticed that, contrary to himself, his dick wasn’t hard yet. Richie patted his head, getting up and stretching his limbs:

“I’m doing my best to keep up, but I’m not as perverted as you are, my cute horny bunny. You should probably get in the shower and take care of that.”

A cheeky smile on his lips, Richie put his hand on Eddie’s crotch, caressing it slowly. Eddie’s pleading moan caused him to shiver, but he stopped quickly, knowing that it wouldn’t take much for him to be as excited as his boyfriend:

“Come on, Eds. I’m gonna keep Mike occupied and make sure he doesn’t see you like that. Join us when you’re done, alright?”

Eddie nodded, pouting expressively, and Richie chuckled, kissing his forehead:

“I love you, Eds. Never change.”

Richie then turned his back on his boyfriend, leaving the bedroom. If he stayed a little longer, he could have heard Eddie’s breathing quickening at his words or see the way he started to shake, trying to keep his emotions under control. But he didn’t. Instead, he joined Mike, who was relaxing on the couch, a book in his hands, Gnocchi sitting on his knees:

“Hey, bookworm. Care for a drink?”

Mike raised his gaze, smiling at Richie, nodding at his offer:

“Yeah, I would die for a hot chocolate. How was your day?”

“Tiring, but good. I tried some funny lines on the customers, I managed to get one to choke on his beer, so I guess it’s not so bad. Sam told me that she’d be happy to read my first draft when I’ll finish it. And you?”

Richie handed Mike his mug, having prepared one for Eddie and himself as well. If Eddie wasn’t taking too long, it would be just lukewarm, the way he preferred to drink it. Putting his book aside, Mike finally answered, caressing their cat tenderly:

“It was okay. I had to deal with a kid who tried to lock himself in the bathroom because we were closing the library, so that was something.”

He chuckled lightly at the memory, before he added:

“But other than that, nothing too eventful. What about Eddie? Is he napping?”

Richie shook his head. He definitely wasn’t going to tell Mike that they were about to have sex, his friend didn’t need and certainly didn’t want to hear that.

“No, he’s in the bathroom, he should arrive in a few minutes.”

“Is he okay?”

Mike and Richie were sharing the same worry towards Eddie. Richie was pretty sure that his friend was almost constantly thinking about it, just like himself. They still didn’t know why Eddie was so upset and, even if he seemed to get a bit better, it wasn’t enough. Richie had to prevent him multiple times from gnawing on his fingers during the night, something he only tended to do whenever he was so anxious that his body was reflexively reacting, trying to evacuate it all.

Richie sighed, sipping on his chocolate:

“He’s… He’s alright, I guess. He told me he had a good day with Tate and Myra. He did seem on the verge of crying when I surprised him, and he accidentally headbutted me. I managed to distract him, thankfully.”

It never took much to set him off. Richie was trying his best, but he didn’t know what to do to help. As long as Eddie wasn’t talking to him or Mike about whatever he was going through, things wouldn’t solve themselves, he knew that very well. But how to convince him to open up? How was he supposed to do that when any attempt Richie made caused him to step back and to worsen his state of mind?

“We prepared our stuff for the trip. You’re all set?”

At Richie’s question, Mike froze up for a second, before he managed to put a smile on his face. Fake, obviously.

“Yeah, I think I’m good. I hope it’ll be okay. And that it’s gonna help Eddie, visiting his mother’s grave.”

“I hope so too. I think we should do it as soon as possible. Once it’s out of the way, Eddie will be able to rest, and we’ll distract him as much as we can. I don’t know how he’s going to handle that, but it might get messy.”

Especially given how sensitive he was at the moment… Richie was praying that it wouldn’t actually make things worse. If Eddie started to beg for his mother while they were visiting her at the cemetery, he had no idea how they were supposed to handle that. Richie was tempted to postpone this visit, but he knew very well that they couldn’t do that. Eddie prepared himself for this moment, if they suddenly decided to cancel it, Richie doubted that he would take it well.

Besides, it should be up to Eddie. Richie was also preparing himself for the eventuality that his boyfriend wouldn’t feel ready to see her grave, once they would arrive. He had to make sure that Eddie wouldn’t feel too bad if it was the case. It didn’t mean that he was weak or bad or whatever he might think about. He only needed more time, and it was okay. Richie would be there for him no matter what.

Talking with Mike, Richie only realized that Eddie still wasn’t out of the bathroom, his chocolate mug definitely gone cold. Grabbing it, he put the drink in the microwave, letting Mike know that he was going to check on Eddie. As much as he was trying not to be paranoid, he couldn’t stop himself from envisioning the worst. Maybe Eddie was having a meltdown or a shutdown, and they didn’t hear his calls for help? Or perhaps he slipped, and he couldn’t get up? Maybe he hit his head and…

Richie was relieved to hear his voice through the door. He couldn’t really make out the sounds, but he was probably humming some tune to himself or something like that. Richie knocked at the door, asking softly:

“Everything okay, Eddie? Do you need help?”

Richie heard some ruffling, and, soon enough, Eddie was opening the door, seemingly in a rush. He had put on his shirt quickly, too quickly. Richie chuckled, letting him know that he put it on backward. His boyfriend groaned, correcting his mistake, taking off his shirt while grumbling.

“Hey, Eds, no need to rush. We’re not in a hurry.”

Finally dressed up correctly, Eddie whined, reaching for his lightwriter:

“ _But Mike’s home!”_

“Yeah, and he’s not moving any time soon, don’t worry. Come on, I poured you some hot chocolate, you’re gonna love it.”

Richie kissed Eddie’s temple, holding his hand gently. He smiled when he felt his boyfriend’s fingers tightening around his, Eddie following him eagerly. Chocolate was definitely the magic word to use around Eddie. Richie loved to see how he would naturally smile and happily stim, his sweet tooth making itself obvious to anyone around. Richie would give anything to see him like that at all times. But things weren’t so easy, unfortunately. Richie could only try to be there and to help, as much as possible. And hope for the best.

As soon as Eddie saw Mike, he immediately joined him and hugged him, sighing happily. Richie noticed the way Mike tensed at the sudden physical contact, and he gently got Eddie to step back, handing him his mug. Eddie settled between them both, listening to their conversation and participating here and there. He was more talkative, but definitely nowhere close to how chatty he used to be.

Richie knew that he was probably tired by his day, and that his little trip to the bathroom to “relieve” himself most likely contributed to his current state, but he was still concerned. He tried to get Eddie to interact a bit more, but he quickly stopped, fearing to make things even worse. Instead, he put on one of Eddie’s favorite talk-shows, letting him rest on his shoulder, drinking his hot chocolate.

It didn’t take long for Eddie to fall asleep, Mike grabbing his mug before it tipped over, putting it on their coffee table. It wouldn’t have been too bad, but Richie knew very well that Eddie would have turned this little incident into a disaster, thinking that he was the worst and blaming himself for whatever might have happened. He thanked Mike in a whisper, and his friend shrugged, answering back:

“Any time. I’m just trying to help.”

Richie had the feeling that was all they were doing, these last few days. Trying to help. Trying and not succeeding. Eddie was still keeping his secrets, refusing to share whatever was troubling him, and Richie was afraid that it might get to a point where his boyfriend would definitely be beyond help. No matter what, Richie would be there with him, but he couldn’t stand the idea of seeing Eddie spiraling again and again, indefinitely, not knowing a moment of respite.

Even in his sleep, Eddie couldn’t catch a break. He was napping for a while when he started to get agitated, moaning in his sleep, a weird sound getting past his lips:

“Guh! Guh!”

Richie shushed him softly, guiding him into a more comfortable position, sliding his fingers in his boyfriend’s hair and massaging him tenderly, hoping to get him to relax. Thankfully, Eddie seemed to react well to his touch, and he went back to a more peaceful sleep, snoring lightly. Richie sighed, glancing at Mike:

“I’m missing something. And I don’t know what.”

“I don’t know either. Don’t you think it could be connected to Myra and Tate? He’s with them almost every day now...”

Richie shrugged. He wasn’t excluding this possibility, but, surely, if it was the reason, Eddie wouldn’t be so eager to go back that often, right? Why would he want so much to see them if it didn’t make him happy?

“Perhaps. I don’t know. It started before he went to Myra’s flat, so maybe not. I...”

Richie sighed heavily, raising his glasses and rubbing his eyes:

“I think it’s my fault. I must have done something, and I don’t know what. He doesn’t want to tell me.”

Mike shook his head at his words, scratching Gnocchi’s chin mindlessly:

“It’s not your fault, Richie. I don’t know what’s happening, but it’s not on you. Even if you happened to say or do something that he’s still thinking about, it’s not your fault.”

“So what, you’re saying that it’s Eddie’s?”

Richie’s tone suddenly became harsh, too harsh. He quickly apologized, and Mike let it slide, answering calmly:

“No, of course. It’s Sonia’s. Her fucked up education, the abuse she put him through… That’s why Eddie reacts the way he does. He progressed a lot since the moment he came back to us, but he’s still recovering. He needs to understand that he can trust us and that we won’t turn our back on him, but it’s not that easy. We can only wait.”

Waiting, waiting, it was so fucking frustrating! Richie wanted to do something, to act, to be proactive, but he could only be there for Eddie, hoping that he’ll finally confess, sharing whatever might have happened. How long? And what if Eddie never trust them enough? What would happen then?

Mike put his hand shortly on Richie’s shoulder, squeezing it to show him his support:

“Let’s have a good time for our upcoming trip, okay? We’ll leave the brooding and the guilt here. We’re gonna have fun, and we’ll forget for a while about our issues. I think that it’s for the best.”

Richie wasn’t convinced he would manage to do that, but he could at least try. It would only last a couple of days, but maybe it would help Eddie. And Mike as well. As much as he pretended that he was okay, Richie could see that his friend wasn’t fine and, spending time with Bill and Audra, it would probably get worse.

But Richie would be there, for them both. Because he loved them. Because they needed him and, oh God, he needed them so much as well...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this chapter to feel a bit more like a "breather", after the few last chapters. They're still dealing with their problems, but they're together, so it helps. Eddie is trying to internalize his issues more and more, but that's not helping, on the contrary. He's so focused on his objective that he doesn't realize how obvious it is and that Richie and Mike can definitely see that he's not okay. Meanwhile, Richie is tiring himself trying to help everyone and Mike just keeps everything to himself, because he thinks that Eddie's well-being is a priority and that his own issues aren't as important.
> 
> Long story short, they're not doing well, but they're together and they have their trip to look forward to. Maybe things will get better...
> 
> Thank you for your support c:. I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to leave a comment if you feel like it, I'd love to discuss the story with you! You can also leave a kudos and/or subscribe to the story/series if you want to.
> 
> Have a nice day! Take care and see you soon!


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay c:. Welcome to the 33rd chapter of this fanfic! The story is moving forward more and more, I'm so excited for what's yet to be written! Thank you all for your support, I couldn't have found the motivation to write it all without your presence and your kind words c:. 
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of ableism  
> TW for internalized ableism
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Eddie closed his fingers around his thumb repeatedly, trying to remain calm in this stressful situation. Today was the day he, Richie, and Mike were leaving to see Bill and Audra. And for that to happen, they had to board a plane. Something Eddie never did before.

To keep his emotions in check, he kept thinking about the planning for their day, what would happen at the airport, everything that his therapist told him to help him apprehend what he’d have to go through. If Eddie could hug his plush, it would probably be easier to handle it all, but, as of now, it wasn’t something he could do.

Eddie almost didn’t bring his teddy bear with him, for this trip. It’s only when Richie seemed surprised by his choice that he reluctantly put it in his backpack, knowing very much that he’d be unable to find comfort in its presence. Not since his first lesson with Myra, as well as those that followed.

The second time he came to see her and Tate, he actually let his plush at home, an uneasy feeling creeping up on him at the idea of doing so. But Myra had been clearly displeased by his choice, and she explained to him in great length why trusting her with his stuffed animal was essential in their partnership. When she finished her little speech, Eddie felt so terrible that he actually experienced a regression episode, unable to learn anything or utter a single word. He barely remembered that day, but he knew that he fell asleep quickly and that he woke up during the night, back at home.

Afterward, Eddie had made sure to bring his comfort object with him, letting Myra handling it to get him to talk. It hurt, but it was for a good reason, right? If it ensured that Eddie would be loved forever, then he was ready to go through all of that. He thought so, anyway. But maybe he wasn’t as strong as he hoped to be…

Whenever he was grabbing his teddy bear or hugging it, Eddie felt… wary. Anxious. He couldn’t shake the idea that someone might take it from him, that it wasn’t truly _his_ anymore. It wasn’t comforting him anymore. In fact, it was making him feel worse, exacerbating his anxiety. 

Sucking on his fingers was eliciting the same feeling in his gut. He felt wrong, guilty, bad even. Every time Eddie caught himself stimming that way, he felt the urgent need to pull them out, before it was forced on him. He knew very well that neither Richie nor Mike would dare to do something like that, but he couldn’t help it. It felt bad, really bad. 

But that was the price to pay, right? Myra told him that it wouldn’t be easy and that he would have a lot of work to do. That he wasn’t just going to talk immediately and perfectly. Eddie didn’t think that it would be so difficult, but… but he knew why he was doing all of that. That way, he wouldn’t find himself all alone, once Richie and Mike would get tired of his useless ass. If he showed them that he was trying, that he was getting “better”, then they would love him, for sure. They’d always love him.

After a few lessons with Myra, Eddie managed to enunciate some words, although he still had to focus a lot to do so, unable to concentrate on anything else. Give. Eat. Cat. Yes. He learned to say “no” on his own, when Tate started to hurt himself after multiple failed attempts. No. 

Eddie really wanted to learn how to say Richie, but he quickly realized that he should stick to shorter words as of now. Still, it was often this word that he was practicing, whenever he was on his own. He was sure that he was close to figuring it out fully: Richie. His partner would be so proud. And Richie would love him, forever. Eddie would make sure of that.

A soft caress on his cheek made him jump, a weak whine escaping his lips. It was only Richie, trying to get his attention and to let him know that they arrived at the airport. Eddie gulped, grabbing his boyfriend’s arm tightly, humming nervously. What if something went wrong? What if the staff forgot about him and they couldn’t board? Did they have their tickets? Maybe they forgot something, something essential…

While Eddie was pondering on his worries, Mike’s fingers intertwined his own, giving them a firm squeeze. Eddie raised his head towards his friend, who let him know with a tender smile:

“We’re here with you, Eddie. You see, we’ll be joining Bill and Audra sooner than you think.”

Eddie wasn’t sure that he could entirely believe it, but being able to hug Richie’s arm and feel Mike’s fingers, it helped. It meant that he wasn’t alone, that he could get through it. That they’d be facing this trip, together. Eddie managed to put on a weak smile, before he started to look around him, intrigued. Everything seemed so… big. He didn’t know where to land his gaze, too many things to look at, and he could barely handle the noise. People, people everywhere, stressed, angry, frustrated… Eddie gulped, hiding his face in Richie’s arm, his humming becoming stronger.

Mike let go of his hand, patting Eddie’s head instead. It shouldn’t be too long, they said. Soon, it’ll be quieter. Eddie nodded, but he felt like he was going to explode… He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home right now. 

Before he had the time to type this sentence on his lightwriter, they were greeted by the person that was supposed to guide them throughout the process of boarding. The man’s voice was warm and gentle, while he was taking the time to explain what they were going to do and where they would be going.

He warned Eddie when he needed to touch him, trying to avoid that as much as possible. His seriousness and zeal helped him to relax a little, even if he was nowhere as relaxed as he hoped to be. They were the first to board the plane, Eddie immediately putting on his seatbelt, even though he knew that they wouldn’t take off for a while. 

He was seated between Mike and Richie, as he liked to be at all times. His boyfriend handed him a piece of gum, that he would chew on to prevent his ears from popping. After that, Richie held his hand, caressing it gently with his thumb:

“Are you okay, Eds?”

Eddie nodded hesitantly, tapping nervously on his armrest with his fingers. At least, they were now on the plane, and not lost somewhere in the airport. Their luggage had been taken care of, and Eddie could only wait for the flight to take off. His anxiety was growing stronger every time a new passenger boarded, Eddie shaking his restless legs, humming under his breath. Richie and Mike did his best to reassure him, but it was easier said than done. 

It was going to happen, the moment Eddie had been so scared of, and he couldn’t escape it. It was too late. Chewing nervously on his gum, Eddie closed his eyes when the plane started, reaching its necessary speed to take off. When they left the ground, he grabbed Mike and Richie’s hands, squeezing them so tightly that he almost drew blood, shaking furiously, a nervous humming escaping his throat. And then… the feeling was gone.

They were in the air, but it didn’t seem like it. Eddie wasn’t really sure he appreciated the experience. He whined audibly when he noticed that Mike and Richie were taking off their seat belt, shaking his head. It was reckless! If they had a seat belt, they were supposed to keep it on at all times! It didn’t matter what Richie and Mike could tell him, or even the plane staff. Eddie wouldn’t take off his seat belt. And they shouldn’t either!

Doing his best to alleviate his distress, Richie got Eddie to rest his head on his shoulder, caressing his hair tenderly, shushing him gently. Eddie was clearly relieved when Mike and Richie decided to put on their seat belt once again, his breathing progressively slowing down, his humming coming to a halt. At that moment, he was so out of it that he didn’t notice the way the nearest passengers were looking at him, giving him quick glances, somewhere between annoyance and curiosity. Richie and Mike were quick to shut them down, glaring at them until they focused on something else.

After this scary lift-off, Eddie managed to calm down a little, thanks to his boyfriend, who brought their walkman, allowing him to concentrate on the music and forget everything else around them. His thoughts were quick to get him back to Myra and Tate, remembering their last session. Eddie managed to articulate very clearly the words she taught him, and Myra praised him, letting him know how proud she was of him.

He was doing his best, and she liked him as a result. It would be the same for Richie, Mike, and everyone else, Eddie was convinced of this fact. The thought made him smile, and he snuggled against Richie, a content expression on his face. He would never be alone, as long as he put the efforts needed to be worthy of love. And he would do so, no matter the price to pay.

The trip was mostly uneventful, aside from a crying kid that caused Eddie to put his hands on his headphones, trying to cover the high-pitched noise as much as possible. Eddie had been ready to handle some turbulence, but he didn’t have to. The plane didn’t shake, and, thankfully, they landed without any problem. They arrived at their destination, safe and sound.

Eddie raised an eyebrow, confused, when he noticed that the passengers were clapping, Richie and Mike doing the same. He imitated them, unsure, hoping that it would end quickly. He hated this kind of sound, it was hurting his ears. They were the first to leave the plane, Eddie grimacing when he heard some protests coming from a few passengers, and they were guided to their luggage, retrieving their suitcases after a little while. 

“It’s all there, thank god!”

Eddie glanced at Richie when he grabbed their luggage and expressed his relief, a curious look on his face. Tilting his head slightly to the side, he asked him, typing quickly on his lightwriter:

“ _What do you mean by that?”_

“Oh, uh, I’m just glad we got our suitcases back. You never know, they could have been lost.”

“ _Lost?”_

Eddie was visibly horrified by the idea, tightening his grip on Richie’s arm, whining nervously. No one told him that they could lose their luggage! He hadn’t been ready for that! What if it were to happen again? Eddie needed his clothes, what was in his suitcase, he… he…!

Mike was quick to reassure him, grabbing his free hand and moving it gently, in a stimmy motion. In the meantime, he let him know, a quiet smile on his lips:

“It didn’t happen. And even if it did, we would have been able to retrieve it. They’re used to that kind of thing. We wouldn’t have been the first passengers to get back our luggage a bit later, far from that. Deep breaths, Eddie.”

Eddie nodded silently, exhaling slowly. He couldn’t help it. He needed to feel that everything was under control, especially in an unfamiliar setting, and if it wasn’t… Well, he was panicking. How could he not? Thankfully, Mike and Richie were able to handle this kind of situation more easily than he was, relieving him of his anxiety. Even though he couldn’t help but feel guilty, having to rely so much on his friend and boyfriend at any time…

His bad thoughts were quick to be erased, as soon as he noticed who was there, waiting for them. Bill and Audra, of course, but they weren’t alone. Ben and Beverly were there as well, waving at them enthusiastically. Eddie’s eyes widened at the sight, letting go of Mike and Richie to run towards his friends, throwing himself at them. God, he didn’t expect to see them, not so soon! Oh, how happy he was!

Eddie was immediately surrounded with love, Beverly caressing his cheek, Ben hugging him, Audra smiling at him and letting him know how happy she was to see him. It took a few seconds for Bill to get near him, patting his shoulder awkwardly, seemingly unsure of what he was supposed to say. That wasn’t nearly enough for Eddie! Not even thinking about their last meeting and how uncaring Bill had mostly been, Eddie wrapped his arms around him, hugging him tightly, cooing joyfully.

Bill remained frozen for an instant, seemingly shocked by Eddie’s open display of affection, before he managed to get a hold of himself, hugging him back:

“I’m… I’m so glad to see you, Eddie. I missed you.”

“ _Missed you too.”_

Eddie quickly typed those words on his lightwriter, before he went back to hugging him. God, he had the feeling he hadn’t seen Bill in years! But he was there and… and he actually seemed to be the Bill Eddie knew and loved. Once the awkward moment passed, Eddie found back his friend, the leader of their group. Bill Denbrough.

A hand landed on Eddie’s shoulder, Richie’s fingers caressing it lovingly:

“Come on, Eds, leave some for us, poor folks forced to carry the luggage!”

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly, taking a step back, allowing Richie and Mike to salute everyone else as enthusiastically as he did:

“ _You insisted that I should only carry my backpack. Not my fault.”_

“You know me, Eddie Spaghetti, I don’t want to put too much strain on my tiny angry gremlin.”

“ _Not tiny!”_

Eddie groaned, while their friends were laughing, used to their antics. Ben insisted on getting Mike’s suitcase, who attempted to refuse, before he finally relented, a tired smile on his lips. Beverly did the same with Richie, prompting him to tease her, knowing how to get quickly under her skin:

“I know, I know, you’re such a strong, independent woman that doesn’t need a man.”

“Beep, beep, Richie! If you still want to carry this stuff to the car, feel free to do so. I’d be happy to rest my poor, weak, female arms.”

Beverly pulled off a terribly fake innocent expression on her face, causing Richie to laugh.

“Alright, alright, just for that face, I’m letting you carry my stuff.”

“Nope, too late. Maybe you’ll actually learn to think before speaking...”

“Me? Never!”

Eddie chuckled at their banter, trotting behind Richie. His gaze was often landing on Bill, who smiled at him every time he noticed it. He seemed… different. And not just because he cut his horrendous ponytail, no. There was something else. Something that Eddie couldn’t quite identify. The way he was carrying himself, how he was talking… But, more than that, there was this slight distance between him and Audra, obvious to anyone who was looking at them. They used to be so close during Richie’s birthday, before everything went sour…

Eddie wasn’t sure he should mention it. And if he had to, probably not right now. The trip and his anxiety tired him. He was relieved to sit in the car, resting his head against Richie, who gladly accepted to be his human pillow. Ben and Beverly were driving their own vehicle, following them back to Bill and Audra’s apartment. Apparently, Audra invited them to come for the next few days, so that they’d be able to enjoy Richie, Mike, and Eddie’s company while they would be here.

Eddie was definitely happy. If only Stan and Patty weren’t living so far, they would have been able to come as well. But Stanley was neck-deep in his studies, and Patricia had her young students to handle. They just couldn’t drop it all whenever they wanted it. They weren’t kids anymore. They had responsibilities to handle. Next time, Eddie decided. Next time, they would see Stan and Patty. And Eddie would enjoy their company, far more than he had been able to during Richie’s birthday.

Their conversation had been quite awkward at first, neither Richie, Eddie, nor Mike knowing how they should handle the situation. Mike was particularly feeling uneasy, looking through the car window, tapping his feet nervously. Noticing it, Eddie reacted immediately, getting a hold of Mike’s hand and giving it a supportive squeeze. When his friend glanced at him, Eddie smiled widely, tightening his grip again. He wasn’t alone in this. He wasn’t.

Finally, it was Audra who managed to break this awkward silence, asking how they were since the last time they saw each other. Richie was quick to answer, letting them know that he was working in a pub and getting close to writing his first draft for the skit he’d like to do. Bill was the first to praise him, encouraging him sincerely:

“That’s awesome, Richie. You guh-gotta let me hear it all. You think you could show me a snipuh-snippet?”

Eddie looked at Richie, who seemed slightly taken aback by Bill’s offer. Maybe he wasn’t expecting that Bill would care so much, especially given the way he acted the last time he saw him.

“Uh… Yeah, sure. I… I guess. It’s… It’s only a first draft, so, uh, don’t get overexcited.”

“I’ll be the judge of that, Richie.”

Richie chuckled nervously, but Bill’s warm smile, reflected in the rear-view mirror, eased his worry a little. Mike was the next to answer, telling them about his work, mentioning their cat as well, currently under Went and Maggie's loving care.

Audra nodded attentively at his words, and Bill asked a few questions, showing definitive interest in Mike’s day to day life. Eddie couldn’t help but smile when he noticed the way Mike lightened up during the conversation, more than happy to talk to Bill and to know that he was listened to.

And then, it was Eddie’s turn. To be honest, he didn’t know what to say. He… He couldn’t tell them about his speech exercises with Myra, of course. For now, Eddie needed to keep it a secret, until his ability to talk was developed enough to convince them of the necessity of Myra’s methods, despite how harsh they could be. He quickly mentioned his friend, Tate, but truth be told, he didn’t really want to talk about all of that. In fact, he kinda wanted to forget…

About to slip his fingers between his lips, he stopped himself from doing so, grabbing Richie’s shirt and curling up against him. Raising an eyebrow, visibly confused, his boyfriend still let him do so, caressing his hair softly, asking him gently:

“Are you getting tired, Eddie?”

Eddie nodded. It wasn’t totally a lie. The trip tired him off, but he was too happy and excited to actually think about sleeping. Not when his friends were around, after all this time… Still, it was easier to pretend to be asleep than to come up with some kind of lie. Closing his eyes, he listened to Richie’s heartbeat and his friends’ discussion, trying to keep his emotions under control.

Whenever he was talking about Tate, he couldn’t prevent himself from thinking about their sessions. It wasn’t the only thing they did together when Eddie was with his friend, far from it, but… but he couldn’t help it.

He could feel Tate’s grip on his wrist, preventing him from slipping his fingers between his lips, his fingers on his throat, feeling the way Eddie’s vocal cords vibrated whenever he was trying to talk… And he could also hear his distressed whines, every time he failed Myra’s exercises. She was even harsher with him, knowing that he could accomplish more than Eddie was able to, as of now. But it was for the best, right? After all, if they didn’t put all of this effort, people would leave. And they would be all alone…

Eddie didn’t realize immediately that he was crying, tears rolling down his face, an anxious hum making its way out of his closed-up throat. Wrapped in a tight embrace, he sniffled, focusing on Richie’s lips kissing his forehead and his cheeks tenderly, rocking him gently. It wasn’t long before the stimmy motion and Richie’s soft voice, whispering loving words to his ear, actually managed to soothe him, lulling him into sleep.

In his deep slumber, his body actually allowed him to stim to his heart’s content, his lips closing themselves on Richie’s shirt, chewing, and sucking on it. His boyfriend chuckled at the sight, gushing internally about how cute Eddie could be. He didn’t care for a second about his clothes or the saliva stain that it would definitely leave on his shirt… Not as long as Eddie was actually getting some rest, his mind cleared from any possible nightmare.

Eddie slept for a few hours, waking up in a bed that wasn’t his. He looked around him, confused, a worried whine escaping his lips. Thankfully, Richie was quick to be by his side, sitting next to him, caressing his cheek:

“Hey, Eds. Back with us?”

Eddie yawned, nodding slowly. He would need a few minutes more to have complete control over his brain activity, but other than that, he was doing okay. He was actually feeling rested, ready to stay up for the night with his friends. Richie smiled, ruffling his hair tenderly:

“Good. Ben and Bill cooked us some stuff, I’m sure you’re gonna love it. But first, I’m going to give you a tour of the place.”

Richie helped Eddie up, squeezing his hand tenderly. Eddie squeezed back, putting reflexively his fingers between his lips, before the anxiety started to creep back, forcing him to take them away and to tighten them into a fist. If Richie saw it, he wasn’t bringing it up. Eddie didn’t know if he felt relieved or disappointed about that…

“So, that’s our room! Luckily, we have a whole bedroom just for us both. I guess they thought they wouldn’t be able to sleep with your snoring. But I’m used to sleeping with a roaring engine by my side, so it’s no bother.”

Eddie rolled his eyes at his words. He was about to playfully hit him, but he stopped himself right before he was about to do so, eyes widening, an apologetic whine making its way out of his lips. Richie’s smile faltered when it happened, his boyfriend putting his hands on Eddie’s shoulders, looking at him with concern:

“Eds. It’s fine. You can flick me on the forehead, tap me lightly on the arm or kick me gently. As long as you keep it playful, it’s okay. It’s not bad. Alright? It’s not bad.”

Eddie nodded, but he knew that he would hesitate again if he were to do it once more. He wasn’t sure why… He just had a hard time doing this kind of thing lately. _Bad_ things. It made him feel horrible. As if he was the worst person that this planet ever carried… Grimacing at the thought, he grabbed Richie’s arm again, as if he would disappear if he let it go.

Kissing the top of his head, Richie then guided him out of the bedroom, pointing his index finger at the next door:

“It’s the bathroom. There’s even a bathtub, can you imagine? Maybe we could enjoy it at some point, you and me.”

Richie winked, and Eddie did the same, unsure, but not wanting to upset his boyfriend. If Richie wanted to take a bath with him, then he would. Why would Eddie feel nervous? It wasn’t like his mother was here to clean him up… The thought caused him to shiver, and he shook his head, trying to erase it. He followed Richie around, who showed him the room where their friends would sleep. There was a mattress on the floor, suited for two people, and a queen-size bed as well. There was room for four people, but…

“Yeah, uh… Audra is sleeping on the couch. I… They’re pretending otherwise, but I’m sure it’s definitely over. Between Audra and Bill.”

Eddie let out a surprised “Oh” at Richie’s words, glancing at the bedroom. So, it was for Bill, Mike, Ben, and Beverly. Audra would be all alone. Why would she do that? And why weren’t they telling them that they weren’t dating each other anymore?

“ _I don’t get it.”_

Richie sighed, massaging his neck:

“I’m not sure I understand it either. I guess they want to keep up the charade as long as we’re there, but they don’t have the strength to actually play the “Lovers” part too intensely. Maybe they’re scared they might ruin our stay here, if they’re officially breaking up while we’re here. Or it might be really recent, and they don’t know how to deal with it yet. I don’t know. Let’s… Let’s not talk about that with them, alright? Not unless they decide otherwise.”

Eddie didn’t understand it. They should just…! Oh. Maybe he could actually get it, after all. Eddie too was hiding things, for his friends’ sake. To make them happy and to earn their affection. Perhaps Bill and Audra were sharing the same thought? But Eddie would love them both, regardless of what would happen. Bill was a Loser, his friend, and he actually warmed up quickly to Audra, during Richie’s birthday. None of that would change, no matter what.

“ _Okay. I won’t talk about it.”_

Richie kissed his forehead, thanking him for being discreet. Eddie kissed him back, winking at him. His senses were quickly focused on the delightful smell in the air, his hunger, and his gluttony taking over instantly. Joining everyone else, Eddie reassured them about his physical state, lying to himself and everyone else about how good he was feeling at the moment. If he could believe it, maybe they wouldn’t doubt it either…

The meal was delicious, but it was nothing compared to the pure joy of being surrounded by his friends, the people Eddie loved so much. They were all so caring, including him in the conversation, laughing at his jokes, chuckling at his banter with Richie. They genuinely seemed interested in what he had to say, and they never tried to stop him from stimming. Eddie didn’t feel so different when he was with them. They accepted him.

And that’s why he had to make so many efforts, again and again. Because he knew that their love would waver, if he didn’t show them that he was willing to better himself. Because they would actually notice how annoying and useless he was, turning their back on him one by one. They would give up on him, just like Tate’s parents left him behind, never looking back. But not if he worked on himself. Not if he worked with Myra. She would help. She was already helping.

Eddie never managed to quite relax during the night. He couldn’t stop thinking about his lessons and the dreadful fear that he might suddenly lose everything that mattered to him, if he didn’t improve quickly enough. Richie. He needed to learn how to say his boyfriend’s name. Then he’d tell him how much he loves him, again and again, and Richie would love him as well.

Mike, Bill, Ben, Bev, Audra, Stan, Patty, Went, Maggie… They would love him too. Eddie knew what he had to do, in order to earn their affection. And even if it meant that he could never feel fully happy again, Eddie was ready to make this sacrifice. They were worth it. All of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, Eddie and Richie are at Bill and Audra's place! I don't know yet for how many chapters they're gonna stay here, but they have a lot to do, that's for sure. Eddie can't stop thinking about Myra and her lessons, so much that it's starting to actually influence his coping mechanisms, for the worse. 
> 
> It's going to be difficult for him to enjoy his comfort object or to stim in his preferred way, if he keeps being scared that it might be taken away from him. Definitely something he'll have to work on with his therapist in the future... 
> 
> When I started to think about their visit to Bill and Audra, I knew that I wanted them to be already broken up. In the next chapters, their current mind state will get clearer. But I didn't want to sideline Audra just because she wasn't dating Bill anymore. I think it would do her character dirty and that she deserves better than that. 
> 
> And yeah, Bill and Mike are going to share a bed. Who knows what might happen ;)... But more seriously, I think those two really need to talk. About their feelings, sure, but a lot of other stuff too. It's gonna be pretty interesting to write c:.
> 
> Thank you all for your support! Don't hesitate to leave a comment if you feel like it, I'd love to discuss this chapter with you and see what you think is going to happen next c:. You can also subscribe to this story/series and/or leave a kudos if you feel like it.
> 
> Take care! Have a nice day and see you soon!


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay c:. I'm having a bit of a hard time today, my country is now in partial lockdown, which means that we're only allowed to leave our place to get food and stuff or to go to work. My plans are all canceled and my friends are living too far from me to support them in this hard time. I don't really have much to look for, except work every day and stress. At least, during my previous lockdown, I was able to stay at home...
> 
> Thankfully, I have you and I have this fanfic c:. Thank you all for being there and for your support, I think I'm really gonna need it for the next month or so. 
> 
> I hope you'll like this chapter. Here are the TW for this one:
> 
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for internalized ableism
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Mike took a sip of his drink, tapping the glass nervously. After Bill and Audra gave them a quick tour of the flat and show them where they would sleep, they all found themselves in awkward silence, unable to make simple small talk. Mike could guess why, it was easy enough: they all had the same thought in mind, and they didn’t know how to broach the subject. Eddie. More precisely, his state of mind.

They all witnessed the way he cried himself to sleep, clinging desperately to Richie, refusing to let him go, even in his sleep. He was still by his side, waiting for him to wake up, only allowing himself to leave him briefly to be shown around and to guide Eddie once he's awake. Mike couldn’t really blame him. Richie could sometimes be pretty overbearing, but he was just as worried as his friend about Eddie right now. What were they supposed to do?

Bill, Audra, Ben, Bev… They probably wanted to ask about Eddie, but couldn’t find a way to do so tactfully. Mike didn’t know what to say to them, but he still tried to indulge them, sighing heavily:

“Eddie’s not really well lately. We’re trying to help, but it’s delicate. Can I count on you all to not harass him with questions about that? He might close himself off if you’re trying to.”

They all nodded, Bill being the first to talk:

“O… Of course, Mike. We’ll be careful.”

“Just act natural. We’re hoping that being here with you all might help him to loosen up a little. Those past weeks have been complicated...”

“What’s going on?” Audra played with her hair nervously. Mike noticed the bags under her eyes, but didn’t comment on it. He also kept his mouth shut when he learned that Bill and her weren’t sleeping together anymore. Not his place to ask. “Is there something we can do?”

Mike pondered on her words, grimacing slightly. Maybe they could help. Maybe not. How to tell? He had no idea why Eddie was so unhinged, as of now… He had some theories, sure, but nothing really concrete, and he didn’t want to make things worse accidentally. Eddie’s current state of mind was definitely fragile, and pushing him in the wrong direction could have dire consequences…

Rubbing his temples briefly, Mike finally answered, lowering his gaze:

“We don’t know. He’s doing slightly better recently, but he’s still highly sensitive and not as communicative as he can usually be. For now, I think the best thing to do is to show him that we’re here for him and that he can trust us. Including him in our conversations, making sure that he’s not feeling left out, distracting him from his thoughts a little, whatever they might be...”

He would talk at some point. Mike needed to believe it, to hang on to this hope, in order to remain strong. Eddie needed them. He was his priority as of now. Mike had pushed his feelings and his worries deep down, making place for his friend. Once he’d feel better, Mike could actually start to think about everything else. About Bill. About his sexuality. About their relationship. But right now, Eddie was taking precedence over Mike’s own issues.

Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Mike jumped, slightly startled, but it was merely Beverly, who was sitting next to him, winking at him and letting him know with a smile:

“No problem, Mike. Eddie’s our friend too, we won’t exclude him in any way. I don’t know if we can do much, but he’s not gonna be left behind, that’s for sure.”

“If Eddie wants to talk to us, then we’ll encourage him. I’m sure he has plenty of things he’d like to tell us, since the last time we saw each other...”

Ben’s warm expression, full of kindness, was a relief in itself. Mike felt slightly better, just at the sight of it. He had no doubt that his friends would handle Eddie’s trouble respectfully and tactfully, not when he heard them talking like that. Even if they couldn’t be there for him very often, they cared about Eddie as much as Mike or Richie did. He was their friend, a Loser, and they would be there for each other forever.

“Thanks, guys. I knew I could count on you.”

“Always, Mike.”

Bill smiled clumsily, his piercing blue eyes meeting Mike’s. If he let himself do so, Mike would probably drown himself in his gaze, barring himself to the one that unknowingly held his heart hostage. But he wouldn’t. Until they said otherwise, Bill was still dating Audra. And even if it was over between them, Mike wasn’t going to make a move on his heartbroken friend.

Truth be told, Mike knew that he was merely finding excuses to keep hiding his feelings, no matter what. He couldn’t risk losing Bill, not when it seemed that he was just getting him back, the Bill that he always knew… and loved. Sipping on his glass, Mike gazed somewhere else, allowing his heartbeat to slow down a little. Not the moment. Not the time.

Soon enough, they started to chatter mindlessly, finding their usual dynamic back. Mike was mostly staying in the backseat, listening to everyone else, giving his input here and there. He was always thoughtful, pondering on his words before delivering them, making sure that what he had to say had some value attached to it. Maybe he was overthinking it, but Mike had never been one to jabber fruitlessly. On the contrary, he was more likely to keep his mouth shut if he didn’t think that what he had to say could contribute to the conversation in any way.

He couldn’t help but feel that his friends probably found him boring, at least slightly. They all had something to bring to the table, a fiery temperament, a kind and poetic personality, charisma, passion… And Mike? Well, Mike was… nice, probably. He had some culture, but aside from that? Not much. Even these days, he was still wondering why they chose to keep him around. He always felt like the weak link, uninteresting and bland among his fantastic friends.

“Mike?”

Hearing Bill’s voice, Mike stopped zoning out, raising his head and glancing at him with a curious and confused look. It seemed like he had just missed a whole chunk of their conversation… They were all looking at him expectantly, waiting to see what he had to say. Chuckling nervously, Mike managed to get his words out, rubbing his foot against the floor:

“Uh? Sorry, I wasn’t listening. You asked something?”

Bill shrugged, as if to say that he shouldn’t worry about that, before repeating what he had previously stated, a soft smile on his lips:

“There’s a fair nearby for the next few weeks. We, uh, we were wondering if you’d be interested in spuh-spending some time there. Just like old times.”

“God, when was the last time we actually went to Derry’s fair together?” Beverly chuckled at the thought, her hand looking for Ben’s and squeezing it tenderly. “I think we were all still teenagers. Ben got me this awful stuffed animal, after something like ten or fifteen tries. It was ugly as hell, and it looked like it wanted to be anywhere, but there, so, of course, I wanted it!”

She kissed Ben’s cheek, and, being his usual self, he blushed at the touch, redder than a tomato. Clearly noticing his embarrassment, she teased him a little, a smile full of love on her lips:

“Of course, I could have gotten it myself, but Ben was so cute, focusing so hard to hit the balloons with his darts. He even stuck his tongue out at some point, if only I could have taken a picture of it! And he won it, after all of that. He even carried it during the whole fair.”

Ben muttered, caressing Beverly’s hand, eyes downcast:

“O… Of course. I mean, it was your gift… I had to be the one to carry it for you.”

“You were wonderful. You always are.”

Beverly kissed him again. Mike glanced at Bill and Audra, who seemed to avoid looking at each other as much as they could, Audra downing her drink, Bill picking at his skin distractedly. Mike, helpful as always, cleared his throat, getting everyone else’s attention.

“I… uh… I’d be happy to come, of course. I think Richie and Eddie would like it very much too, if Eddie’s not too tired. He never went with us back in Derry, his mother wouldn’t allow him.”

Sonia Kaspbrak. Aside from Audra, who didn’t know much about her, they all grimaced knowingly, thinking about this wretched woman. Mike only ever hated a few people in his life, and she was definitely one of them. Still, to this day, he couldn’t understand how someone could be as heartless and cruel as she used to be. The way she treated Eddie, pretending that she cared about him, that she was the only one to love him… It boiled Mike’s blood, thinking about it all.

And no matter what his current issues were about, Eddie’s troubles stemmed from her and how she “raised” him. Mike didn’t forget that they were here mostly for her. For Eddie to finally say goodbye to his abusive mother and allowing himself to move on, after everything she did to him. He could only hope that it would help. Eddie deserved so much better than she ever thought he should have…

“I don’t know if Eddie will want us to come with him to her grave, but I’d gladly shit on it if that’s the case.”

Mike choked on his drink at Beverly’s words, his friends laughing nervously at the idea. But, Mike knew it, she was absolutely serious. He was definitely not going to test her and see if she would really do it. He knew she would.

“What? She deserves it!”

“I’m not sure Eddie would appreciate it, Bev.” Ben caressed her hand, a soft smile on his lips. “She’s still his mom, after all.”

“She’s a monster, that’s what she is. I hope Eddie can see it now.”

“You and me both.” Mike put his glass down, sighing shortly. “Eddie is so much more than she ever thought of him. He needs to realize it.”

And Mike and Richie were telling him so, again and again, but Eddie’s self-esteem was fragile. One step forward was often followed by two steps backward. But it didn’t matter. Mike and Richie would keep repeating themselves, as long as it was needed. Eddie would know how much they loved him, even if he were to forget it sometimes. They wouldn’t let him erase this fact from his mind eternally…

If anyone knew what Eddie was going through and how he might feel, processing his mother’s death fully and the abuse he had to handle, it was definitely Beverly. Mike was relieved to know that she would be there. If Eddie needed to talk about it, Beverly would know what to say. As much as he tried to understand, Mike couldn’t relate to Eddie’s predicament, after all.

His parents were loving, and his memories of them were nothing but fond. His grandparents might be harsh and sometimes cold, but he had no doubt that they loved him too, and they always respected his choices in the end, even if he had to fight for some of them. Eddie and Bev? Definitely not. Mike couldn’t think about Beverly’s dad without feeling the need to gag, and Sonia Kaspbrak elicited the same reaction from him.

Mentioning Eddie’s mother had definitely brought the mood down, and it seemed that Bill took upon himself to make them all smile and forget a little about the past. Seeing him act like that reminded Mike of the way they used to be, all those years ago. Bill was still their leader, no matter how flawed he acted recently. He knew what to say and how to say it, getting them to relax a little and entertain themselves through mindless small talk.

Afterward, Ben and Bill left them for a little while, volunteering to cook their dinner. Mike glanced at them, but he didn’t dare to join them, not wanting to bother them or risk acting suspiciously around Bill. He didn’t need that from him. Listening to Bev and Audra’s conversation, who were discussing fashion quite intently, his thoughts wandered after a while, unable to manifest interest for too long in a subject he didn’t know much about.

His heart was beating for Bill, but his mind was dead set on Eddie, worrying about his well-being. As a result, Mike was utterly confused and mentally exhausted, not knowing how to handle it all without risking to explode. He was also thinking about Richie, his friend tiring himself endlessly to try to help Eddie, to no avail. And he felt terribly useless, unable to bring any help to those he cared so much about. How could he, when he was himself just as lost as them?

Feeling someone sitting next to him, Mike came back to reality, looking at Audra. Beverly just left, joining Ben to help and also, he presumed, to tease him a little. She smiled at him, this forced smile that he was quite accustomed to as well.

“I’m happy that you’re here. Bill missed you, you know.”

Mike gulped at her words, his heart beating slightly faster. Trying to remain calm, he asked her, a nervous smile on his lips:

“Oh, uh, really? I missed him too.”

Audra nodded thoughtfully, playing with her hair. She remained silent for a short moment, before she finally said, an expression on her face between acceptance and bitterness:

“He talks a lot about you. Always had. I think I already knew you by the time I met you.”

Mike didn’t know what to say. He was definitely flabbergasted, wondering what Bill could talk so much about when it came to him. He couldn’t think of a single thing his friend would gush over. He was merely a simple librarian, finding pleasure in his line of work, never doing anything great. People like him weren’t interesting to talk about. If someone were to write a story about him, it would likely be the most boring book ever created…

“He… uh… He talked a lot about you too. Very often, actually.”

Maybe Mike shouldn’t have said that. The way she laughed, it wasn’t happy nor warm. On the contrary, it seemed sad. Strangely sad. Mike stammered that he was sorry, even if he didn’t know precisely why he was apologizing, and Audra brushed him off, shrugging at his words:

“I bet he did. It must have bored you to death.”

“Oh, uh, no, not at all!” Mike massaged his neck, embarrassed. It frustrated him, of course, but he had never been _bored_. Far from it. Hearing about Audra, the way Bill gushed over her, he just knew that he couldn’t compete at all. She was just so interesting. And he was… well, he was himself. That summed it all up pretty well. “Bill never bored me, I love listening to him, I…!”

He shouldn’t have said that. Almost choking on his words, he grabbed his drink, but the glass was already empty, and he merely managed to get a few drops in his mouth. Audra laughed at the sight, serving him another drink and pouring one for herself. 

“You’re a good friend, Mike. I’m sorry for the fight we had, last time we saw each other. I was… I wasn’t my usual self. I hope we can leave it all behind and start anew.”

Audra wasn’t the perfect being that Bill described him over and over. She could be impulsive, mean, sharp, too direct, too much. But it made her human. Someone that Mike could actually learn to appreciate. Someone that existed outside of the love that Bill had for her. Even if she got what Mike would never have, she didn’t deserve to handle his frustration or jealousy. 

So, Mike chose to begin again, holding out his hand to her, a gentle smile on his lips:

“I’m Mike Hanlon. Nice to meet you. I hope we’ll become good friends.”

She seemed a bit taken aback by his gesture, but she quickly adapted, smiling back, shaking his hand, and accepting his declaration:

“I’m Audra Phillips. Glad to meet you too. And we’re definitely going to become friends, I could bet on it!”

Her smile was warmer than a thousand suns. If Mike wasn’t in love with Bill already, he knew he could have been easily swayed by her. He had no doubt that, if Bill and her decided to end it once and for all, she would be able to find a partner quickly, someone who will love her as much as she deserved it. She probably broke her share of hearts, deciding to date Bill and keeping her eyes on him and no one else.

They were discussing her new project, another B-movie that she hoped would get her to be noticed in some way, when Eddie and Richie finally arrived. Richie waved happily at them, Eddie glued to him, grabbing his arm as if he was scared to lose him otherwise. Mike was relieved that he briefed his friends before, because none of them jumped on Eddie or openly worried about his previous burst of tears. Instead, they ensured that he would definitely feel included, making him a part of every single one of their conversations, listening to him, respecting his wish to step back a little when he thought that he needed it. 

As discreetly as he could, Mike kept glancing at him, while they were enjoying Bill and Ben’s cooking. Eddie’s smile and the way he laughed seemed to be sincere, but Mike couldn’t help but notice all those worrying signs, that clearly indicated that he wasn’t feeling as well as he pretended to be. How he kept himself close to Richie at all times, touching him quite often, resting his head against his shoulder… He even climbed on his knees when he was done eating, hugging him tightly, tightening his fists on his clothes. 

But there were other signs too. Mike definitely saw that Eddie kept stopping himself from putting his fingers in his mouth, getting them close to his lips before lowering them down, busying his hands differently. He would have to talk to Richie about it, see if he saw it as well. Eddie never hesitated to stim like that in front of them. Not in a long, long time. 

The thought made him feel profoundly uneasy, and Mike had to force himself to keep smiling while talking to Eddie and his friends, not wanting to alarm him. It was like Mike was in front of a puzzle, pieces progressively creating a picture, getting clearer and clearer, but there were still too many holes to truly make sense. The solution was here, so close, and yet so far from his grasp… Mike wanted to scream his frustration away, but he kept it hidden, knowing that it would only make things worse. 

He could only swallow it down for so long, though. At some point, he had to excuse himself, running to the bathroom and locking the door behind him. Sitting on the toilet seat, Mike finally allowed himself to cry, if only a little. He felt the responsibility to stay strong at all times, especially in front of his friends. If the only thing he could offer them was to rely on him during difficult times, then he would do it again and again, even if it killed him in the process. 

He stayed strong for Richie when Eddie was away, remaining by his side even when he snapped at him and could only talk about their missing friend. He didn’t flinch when Eddie was stabbed, keeping a cool head and making sure that he would have anything he needed at the hospital. He was always there to listen to them, to let them know how much he loved and valued them. Because they deserved it, all of them.

But right now, Mike felt tired. Tired and helpless. Curling up in the bathroom, he let himself cry for a while, before he finally pulled himself together, splashing his face and erasing every hint that he might have sobbed, not wanting to worry his friends. He could handle it. They needed his support, and he was there for them. He would always be there.

When he came back, Eddie was talking enthusiastically about the fair, flapping his hands happily. At least, he didn’t try to suppress this stim… Mike smiled at the sight, sitting back on the couch, listening to Richie and Eddie’s talk. Richie was adamant about taking Eddie on the Ferris wheel, deeming it the most romantic spot he could think of, while Eddie ranted endlessly about the potential dangers of this ride, typing on his lightwriter so quickly that the robotic voice could hardly keep up the speed.

Right at this moment, it was like nothing bad happened, as if they were back to their usual dynamic. Until Eddie accidentally cut off Audra while she was speaking, blowing it out of proportion. It didn’t matter that she assured him that everything was fine, for Eddie, he just committed the worst crime he could think of, and his guilt was expressing itself violently, their friend struggling against Richie’s grasp to hurt himself. In the end, Richie had to carry him to their room, doing his best to help him to calm down.

Mike wanted to join them, but what could he do? He didn’t even know what it was all about. He wasn’t stupid enough to think it was really about Audra and Eddie being unwillingly “rude” to her. His friend was on edge at all times, and the smallest thing was enough to set him off. 

As much as they tried to keep the mood light, without Eddie and Richie around, his meltdown fresh in their mind, it was quickly obvious that none of them really had the heart to have fun anymore. After a little while, they went to the bathroom to brush their teeth, before parting ways. Audra was sleeping on the sofa, while Bill, Mike, Beverly, and Bill were sharing a room together.

Mike immediately lied down on the mattress that was on the floor, leaving the bed to Beverly and Ben. Bill joined him soon after, curling up under the blanket. They found themselves staring at each other, Mike awkwardly adjusting his pillow, Bill opening and closing his lips, not knowing what to say. After a short moment, Bill closed his eyes and turned his back on Mike, sleeping soundly in the minute that followed.

Mike looked at the ceiling, listening to Bev and Ben’s unintelligible whisper, trying to keep his breathing slow and steady. But how could he, when he was sleeping with Bill? He was there, right next to him, so close… If Mike wasn’t careful enough, he could even… touch him… Mike gulped, crossing his arms over his chest, keeping his legs as still as possible, not allowing himself to even glance at his friend.

It was weird, thinking that Audra was in the living room, sleeping all alone on the sofa. How was she feeling? Was she crying herself to sleep, as Mike could sometimes do, when everything was too much for him? Was she hugging her pillow, lacking comfort that she definitely needed? Mike was tempted to get up, see if she needed someone to talk to, but he couldn’t move. He would wake Bill up.

That’s what he was telling himself, but truth be told, Mike would feel like the biggest hypocrite if he went to Audra and comforted her over the loss of Bill. As sad as he was for her, he couldn’t help, but feel a flicker of hope and joy, knowing that Bill would very likely be single soon. No matter how much he was scolding himself and forcing himself to think that Bill would never manifest this kind of interest towards him, Mike couldn’t get this idea out of his mind. What an awful friend he was…

While he was chastising himself, a soft whisper interrupted his internal conflict, startling him:

“Yuh-You’re sleeping?”

Mike turned his head towards Bill. His friend was facing him, looking at him with his blue, piercing eyes. If he even glanced at them, Mike knew that he would lose himself again, and he couldn’t allow himself to do that. He shook his head, keeping his voice low:

“No. Can’t.”

“Me neither...”

In the dark, Mike couldn’t see much of Bill’s expressions, but he was able to distinguish his face a bit, noticing the way his friend was biting on his bottom lip. It was apparent that he was itching to talk, but probably didn’t know how to… Or maybe he didn’t dare, thinking that it was selfish of him…

“Are you alright, Bill?”

Mike didn’t know what made it so easy for Bill to confide in him, sometimes. He wasn’t saying or doing much, but Bill was still opening up, telling him things that he didn’t dare to admit to anyone else, even the other Losers. 

“I’m… I’m not used to sleeping all alone. I… I asked to sleep with you, buh-because Audra doesn’t want to share our bed anymore. And I… I can’t find sleep. Alone.”

His voice was shaking, Bill visibly struggling to not tear up in front of him. Mike nodded understandingly, knowing how he must felt. Sometimes, it was hard to be in his big bed at home, without anyone by his side. He longed for someone. He longed for Bill’s arms. For what Richie and Eddie or Beverly and Ben had. 

“Can I help?”

Bill hesitated. He opened his mouth, started a sentence, stopped it immediately. His stutter got worse, not allowing him to proceed any further. His friend was about to turn his back on him once again, when Mike made an impulsive decision, so far from how reflexive he usually was. His arms closed around Bill, keeping him close, a warm and soft embrace. It was platonic. Purely platonic. A hug from a friend to a friend, nothing else. 

Even though Bill started to hug him back. Even though Mike could feel his heart beating faster than it ever beat before, sensing his friend’s skin against his, the way his body was shaking slightly, unable to hide any longer the distress that he was feeling. 

“Is it… Is it okay, Bill? Does it help?”

Mike needed to know. He needed to be sure. And when Bill nodded, Mike sighed, relieved, but also joyful. Hugging his friend, Mike felt complete. As if it was where he was meant to be all along, his arms closing around Bill, keeping him close, safe, protected. He didn’t care if that was all he ever got from his friend. Right now, despite everything else, Mike was the happiest man in the world.

“Thu-Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Bill was getting sleepy, Mike could feel it, but he still wanted to talk. Yawning tiredly, he whispered, curling up a bit, his feet brushing Mike’s leg in a tingling and delightful sensation:

“I… I don’t know what I’m go-o-onna do with my life now. I… I don’t want to stay alone.”

And maybe Mike should have thought about it a little more. Perhaps he should stop being so stupidly impulsive, it wasn’t how he usually was. But he found himself suggesting, hugging Bill a bit tighter:

“You could always come home. With us. I… We have room for you.”

Bill mumbled an answer, that Mike didn’t quite understand. But before he could ask him to repeat himself, his friend was already knocked out, exhausted by his previous sleepless nights. 

Mike smiled softly, allowing himself to get slightly closer to Bill. No matter what would happen, he would always have this memory to accompany him forever. Hugging Bill. Keeping him close. Safe. Loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I couldn't help it, Mike and Bill needed a hug! I wonder if it's because I'd like to get a very tight hug right now, after learning about the lockdown... Anyway, writing it made me smile, so I hope it'll make you smile as well.
> 
> Mike is always very interesting to write for. He's so devoted to his friends and unable to see how valuable he is. I hope he'll realize it soon, I'm sure all of his friends will be more than happy to prove to him how much they value him c:. 
> 
> Eddie is still in an awful place, but Mike's starting to understand slowly and all of his friends care about him and want to help. Maybe they'll be able to figure it out, who knows? 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to comment, I could really use a few kind words right now, honestly. You can also subscribe to the story/series if you want to and/or leave a kudos. 
> 
> Have a nice day! Take care and see you soon c:.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Sorry I took more time than usual to update, I wasn't there for the weekend. I spent it with my friends for Halloween, before going into full lockdown. I hope you're all doing okay!
> 
> Welcome to the 35th chapter! I hope you'll like it c:. It was quite intense, but really interesting to write it c:. 
> 
> Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of homophobia  
> TW for mention of ableism
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Richie tightened his grip on Eddie’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly. His partner didn’t squeeze back, merely looking at his feet, a low hum making its way out of his throat. That was the only sound he heard coming from Eddie today, as of now.

After his meltdown the day before and the wild night he spent afterward, waking up from a nightmare and attempting to hide under the bed, it was obvious that Eddie was mentally exhausted and needed to rest. Still, he insisted on going to Sonia’s grave, and Richie didn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise. Not when he was trying his best to show his boyfriend that he trusted him and respected his decisions.

In his other hand, Richie was holding a simple bouquet, nothing too fancy. Just before they left, Eddie asked to buy one, something Richie clearly didn’t expect him to do. Paying respects to Sonia Kaspbrak in any way was making him feel nauseous, but it wasn’t his place to tell how Eddie was supposed to handle this moment. To be honest, Richie had no idea how his partner was feeling right now or what he wanted to tell his late mother. And it scared him, more than just a little.

All the Losers, Audra included, offered to accompany them this morning, but Eddie refused, only accepting Richie by his side. As relieved as he was to be able to be with Eddie for what was to come, he couldn’t help but wonder what his boyfriend didn’t want the others to see of him. Not even Mike. Richie saw it, as much as his friend tried to hide it, Eddie’s decision hurt him. They probably should talk about it, once Eddie would feel a bit better.

Richie doubted that it had anything to do with Mike. If anything, he was pretty sure that Eddie only reluctantly agreed for Richie to come with him and that, if he had been able to go on his own, he would have done it. But Eddie was barely getting comfortable with the idea of going out all alone in his familiar town, sticking to the same places… He definitely couldn’t do the same here. So, Richie was there to help, as much as he could.

He never liked visiting cemeteries. Richie avoided it as much as possible, only doing so for his friends (notably to see Georgie) or when he couldn’t do otherwise. It was the one place he refused to hang out with Beverly, his friend finding some strange comfort in this kind of place, perhaps even a refuge from her father. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Richie was too sensitive for this kind of area.

All of those dead people, some forgotten, others still cherished, the simple thought was enough to give him a big lump in his throat, sitting there for a while after that. Maybe he was scared to become one of those weeping visitors, crying for someone who would never share his life again. Or perhaps he was terrified to be put six feet underground, unable to stop himself from thinking that he would soon be forgotten.

And yet, Richie was there with Eddie, walking through the alleys, looking for Mrs. Kaspbrak’s grave. He didn’t really know what to expect. Would someone take care of it? Maybe some people, who still believed in what she wrote in her horrendous books, would put a bouquet for her, here and there? Who even handled her funeral, her burial? They certainly didn’t ask anything of Eddie, not even offering him to be there for the ceremony.

The thought was enough to make Richie’s blood boil. No matter what kind of person Sonia Kaspbrak was, the fact that they didn’t even give her son the option to be there was repulsive. They never thought about Eddie, about what he wanted or not. Perhaps they didn’t even think that he could grasp what happened, that he might wish to say goodbye one last time. No, they just locked him in a hospital, waiting way too long before allowing the Toziers to take him under their wing.

Eddie never talked about his experience there, how he handled it, if it was still hurtful for him to think about. He spent quite some time at this place, after all… And they hadn’t been kind to him, from what Richie had been able to witness. They drugged him constantly and never bothered to talk to him or to even attempt to reassure him. It was easier for them to keep him compliant, exhausted by the medicine they forced onto him…

Richie felt a pull on his sleeve, interrupting him in his train of thought. Eddie was indicating a grave, clean, but empty of any flowers. Sonia Kaspbrak. Date of birth, date of death. It was so fucking minimalist… If he didn’t know who this awful woman was, Richie would have teared up for her. There was no proof here that someone ever loved her, that there were people still thinking about her… Nothing. After what she did to Eddie, she clearly deserved it, but still.

Richie turned his head towards his boyfriend, trying to gauge his reaction. Eddie’s face was blank, his gaze seemingly far away, but Richie knew better. He could feel the way his partner’s fingers were shaking against his. Eddie was upset. In a slow and gentle motion, Richie handed the bouquet to Eddie, asking him softly:

“Do you want to put them on her grave, or should I do it?”

Eddie didn’t answer, but he grabbed the bouquet, kneeling down in front of the grave and dropping them on the cold stone. Richie squatted down next to Eddie, caressing his hair. He reminded him tenderly, a reassuring smile on his lips:

“Take the time you need, Eds. I’m staying here with you.”

Eddie nodded silently. He sat cross-legged in front of the grave, rocking slightly back and forth. A few times, Richie noticed the way he grabbed his lightwriter, about to say something, but stopping himself before doing so, his fingers hovering over the device uncertainly. Eddie was at a loss for words, Richie expected it to happen. Finding a more comfortable position to sit next to Eddie, Richie kept on caressing his hair to bring him some comfort and peace, hoping that he wouldn’t start to hurt himself.

Who could tell what he was feeling at this moment? Richie was unable to. He hated Sonia Kaspbrak and what she did to Eddie. If he were to talk to her, he would only insult her and curse her as much as he could. But Eddie? For so many years, she was the only constant in his life, even before she decided to exploit his autism for her own personal gain. The power she had over him, Richie couldn’t even begin to imagine it. How was he feeling now? What did he want to tell her?

“ _I miss you.”_

Richie didn’t manage to hide the way he jumped, hearing Eddie’s words. He tried to remain still, but he was sure that his boyfriend definitely noticed his reaction. How could he not be bothered by Eddie’s sentence? He knew he shouldn’t be surprised, that it was probably a traumatic reaction, but…

“ _I miss the way you hurt me. And I don’t know why.”_

Eddie scooted closer to Richie, curling up next to him. Despite his initial shock towards his boyfriend’s words, Richie immediately opened his arms for Eddie, showing him that he was there, supporting him, no matter what he was going to say or do. Richie wouldn’t judge him, even if it could prove itself quite tempting. He couldn’t know what Eddie went through… Richie had a loving family, always had. The only person that might start to understand Eddie was Bev, and he didn’t want her around. Maybe he was ashamed…

Eddie wasn’t crying. His previous humming died down, replaced by an uncomfortable silence. His eyes were focused on his mother’s grave, as if nothing else existed around him. If Eddie didn’t curl up against him, Richie would have been worried that he had gone catatonic. It was upsetting, seeing his Eddie Spaghetti so inexpressive, his feelings impossible to decipher. How was he coping? Could Richie even call it that, the way Eddie spoke to his late mother? Was it helping him in any way?

But it wasn’t his place to stop Eddie or tell him that he was doing something wrong. Richie could only be there, supporting him, reminding him that he wasn’t alone. That he was loved, no matter what.

Eddie started to slip his fingers between his lips, but he stopped himself quickly, rubbing his hands over his jean instead. Richie raised an eyebrow at the sight, not knowing how to interpret it. If there was a stim that might help him deal with his emotions, it was definitely the one that he refused himself to accomplish. And it wasn’t the first time it happened, those last few days. Why?

Before Richie had been able to think about it more, Eddie started to talk again, his rocking increasing, his fingers typing quickly on his lightwriter:

“ _I wanted to tell you that I hate you. Since I decided to come here, I convinced myself that I would say those words to you. But I can’t. I can’t hate you, Mommy, no matter how hard I’m trying. I love the way you hurt me.”_

Richie took a deep breath, keeping his emotions in check. He wanted to hug Eddie so tightly, reminding him that he deserved more than the fucked up “love” that his mother ever had for him, but it wouldn’t help, and he knew it. It was Eddie’s moment. Richie needed to trust him, to believe that he would be able to tell when it was too much for him, when he couldn’t handle it anymore. He had to.

“ _I’m not your good boy anymore, Mommy. But I don’t know who I want to be yet. Who I can become without you. I did and said many things that you would disapprove of. I have a boyfriend, Richie. You hated him. I love him.”_

Eddie nuzzled his face against Richie’s chest, for a brief moment. Richie held his breath for a little while, releasing it as soon as his partner turned his head away, focusing back on his mother’s grave. He didn’t expect Eddie to talk about him.

Truth be told, he didn’t know at all what Eddie wanted to tell her or how he was going to react. At this moment, Richie felt helpless, unable to support his boyfriend as much as he’d need to. But Eddie needed him there, so he wouldn’t move. Even if they had to stay there all day.

“ _I have friends too. Lots of friends. You said that no one would stick around, but they do. I’m doing everything I can to keep them close. I’m working really hard, so that they’ll love me forever. Maybe you’d be proud of me if you saw me?”_

Richie glanced at Eddie when he said those words, tightening his hug despite himself. He didn’t like what he just heard, the sound of it… What did Eddie mean by “I’m working really hard”? Slowly, but surely, Richie was starting to get a clearer picture of what might trouble his boyfriend, and he didn’t appreciate it one bit. He parted his lips, about to say something, but bit down on his bottom lip instead, knowing that it wasn’t the time. If he talked about that now, Eddie would likely explode. And Richie had no idea how much it would hurt him at this instant.

“ _I had a job. I was doing okay. I hope I can get another one, sooner or later. I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. But I’m happy with Mike and Richie. They’re kind to me. And I love my boyfriend so, so much. You wouldn’t want me to, but that doesn’t change a thing. I’m not yours anymore. I have agency over my life, who I’d like to be, who I decide to love. Even if I don’t have all the answers, I know that I want to figure them out on my own.”_

Eddie rubbed his hands on his jean again, nervously, a low whine escaping his closed-up throat. Even if he was only talking to her grave, Richie could see that he was still terrified to stand up to his mother. How could he not? After everything she did to him… It was a wonder that Eddie managed to live happily, to love Richie the way he loved him, to allow himself to do all those things his mother always prevented him from accomplishing, traumatizing him if she had to. Richie couldn’t even begin to comprehend how brave Eddie was.

“ _I miss you, Mommy. I’m learning how to love and be loved differently, but I feel empty without your love. I’m still waiting for you to tell me what I have to do to be good. I do and say stuff, and it’s like you’re here, telling me that I’m a good or a bad boy. And if I can brush it off more often, sometimes, I’m still listening to you. Because you know, and I don’t.”_

No, she didn’t know a thing! Nothing! The way she raised Eddie, it’s… Richie didn’t even have the words for it. Caressing his boyfriend’s cheek to get his attention, he asked, trying to keep his voice calm and unwavering:

“Can I talk to her too?”

He wouldn’t if Eddie didn’t allow it. No matter how much he wanted to. But, to his relief, Eddie slowly nodded his head, letting go of his lightwriter to hug Richie’s arm, rubbing his cheek against it. He seemed so small, curled up against him like that, so vulnerable… But it wasn’t his Eddie. His Eddie was strong, brave, loud, unabashed. Sonia Kaspbrak never managed to destroy that. Eddie was stronger than she was.

“Hey, Mrs. K. Long time no see. I didn’t forget the way you treated me, when you took Eddie away. I have so many insults in my mind that I’d like to tell you, but you’re lucky your son’s there and that I respect him too much for that. Instead, I’m just going to give you a piece of my mind.”

Richie took a deep breath, glancing at Eddie, who was only looking at him, not trying to stop him. Richie smiled at him, before he turned his gaze towards Mrs. Kaspbrak’s grave, addressing her with a voice filled with dread:

“Eddie’s so much more than you ever thought he could be. He’s not your little boy, he’s not helpless without you. He never needed you in the first place. You wanted him to believe that, but you didn’t even manage to do so. Eddie’s recovering. He can and will do so many things that your head would explode, thinking about it. And the help he gets? It’s nothing to be shameful about. We all need help at some point. It doesn’t make us less. It doesn’t justify any of the crap you pulled on him.”

Richie hugged Eddie closer, shaking slightly with anger. God, he wished she could answer, he wished he could tell all of that to her face, but he couldn’t. But Eddie was there, listening to his words. And he needed to hear them. To get them.

“I’m fucking gay for your son, Mrs. K. And the day I’ll be allowed to, I’ll marry the shit out of him. Even if I have to travel to fucking Antarctica for it to happen, I would. If that’s his wish, he’ll take my name, and there won’t be a trace of you on this planet anymore. I don’t know why you did all the things you did, but if you were hoping to leave some sort of legacy, then you fucked up, Mrs. K. The few people that still trust your words are going to forget about you. And Eddie will be his own person, not the good boy you wanted him to be. And we love him for that. We’ll always love him for that.”

Richie heard a wheeze coming from Eddie. His cheeks were covered with tears, and he was rocking fast, tightening his grip on his partner’s arm. Maybe Richie should stop… But he still had something to say. For Eddie to hear it, not for her.

“And he doesn’t have to work on himself to earn our love. Because our love is not conditional. Because no love should be. You didn’t love your son, Mrs. K. You loved the control you had over him, that’s different. It’s not…!”

“No!”

Richie stopped talking as soon as he heard this word coming from Eddie’s vocal cords. No. He froze up, looking at Eddie with a helpless gaze, his Eddie who stopped hugging his arm and was now curling up against him, hitting lightly Richie’s chest with his fists, sobbing and sniffling:

“No no no no!”

His words soon turned into an inarticulate wail, Eddie getting more and more upset, unable to calm himself down. Richie could barely feel the way his fists hit him, and yet, it hurt in a way he couldn’t comprehend. He went too far. He went too far in his anger, and Eddie… Eddie was distraught. He didn’t want to hear that his mother didn’t love him. He wasn’t ready for that.

Richie bit down his bottom lip, feeling tears rolling down his cheeks. He wiped them quickly, shaking his head, trying to keep a clear mind. He needed to act quickly, or Eddie would slip away… He might hurt himself, regress, or have another of his catatonic episodes. And Richie couldn’t allow that to happen.

He didn’t care that there might be people around, listening to them, seeing the way Eddie expressed his grief, or how Richie was trying to show him his love. The world ceased to exist for Richie as soon as he heard Eddie uttering this single word, he who never talked audibly. No. He must have been so desperate to get them out, to voice his opposition like that… Richie felt broken in ways he couldn’t even begin to understand.

Cupping Eddie’s face with his hands, he lifted it up gently, kissing him softly. Eddie, too surprised to react in any other way, stopped hitting Richie, his hands falling down, resting on the ground. Richie didn’t make it last, only a few seconds, before he parted his lips from Eddie’s, gazing at his boyfriend’s utterly shocked expression, snot and tears rolling down his face, blotched eyes looking at him as if they couldn’t see anything else.

Pulling out a tissue, Richie gently cleaned Eddie’s face, whispering to him as gently and lovingly as he could:

“Your mom loves you. Your real mom, my mom, Maggie Tozier. She loved you as soon as she met you, and she never stopped doing so. She didn’t want anything from you, she didn’t expect anything from you, the only thing she ever wished for was for you to be happy, no matter what it implied. You know that, right?”

After blowing his nose in the tissue Richie handed him, Eddie nodded, weak sobs shaking his shoulders here and there. Richie smiled at him, a warm and tender smile that he ever only had for Eddie and no one else. Eddie thought that his mother was dead, but he always had a mom to love him just the way he deserves it. He only needed to remember that. And Richie was there to help.

“She still loved you when she learned about our relationship, even if she didn’t understand it all immediately. She supported you when you decided that you were ready to live with Mike and me, even if she knew she would miss you. If we could get married, mom would stand by your side, helping you to get a tuxedo that would fit you, crying as we’re sharing our vows.”

Richie chuckled at the thought, caressing his boyfriend’s hair, before he added with a sincere voice:

“She loves you, she loves you so, so much, and she’d never want to hurt you or to force you to become someone that you’re not. Because she’s your mom, Eddie. Not Sonia Kaspbrak. Maggie Tozier. Your mother. Your mom. Your mommy.”

Eddie whispered a soft “Mo...”, before his eyes were filled with tears again, a wail escaping his throat. A wail that turned into a scream, so piercing that it hurt Richie’s ears. But it was good, and he knew it. Eddie was letting it all out, his grief, his anger, his sadness, his fears, his relief… He was loved. He was loved, and he didn’t need to cling to his mother’s memory anymore.

That’s what he said, when he finally managed to calm down, typing slowly on his lightwriter:

“ _I can tell you goodbye. I still love you, and I still love the way you hurt me, but I know it will fade away. Because what I have now is better than what I ever had with you. When I walk away from this graveyard, I know I’ll have my family waiting for me. And you’ll stay here, and you’ll have no one.”_

Eddie managed to stand up, his legs shaking slightly. Richie got up as well, ready to help if his boyfriend needed it. But Eddie shook his head. He bent his back to pick up the flowers, holding them closely with one hand, struggling to type what he wanted to say:

“ _I’m taking those back. I’ll give them to Beverly because she’s my friend and I love her. And you don’t deserve them.”_

Suddenly, Eddie cleared his throat loudly, spitting on his mother’s grave. Richie remained still at the sight, too baffled to react in any way. He only managed to move when Eddie grabbed his arm, pulling him away from his mother’s grave. Shaking his head, Richie managed to clear his head, glancing at Eddie, who was walking away determinedly, not even looking back.

Richie smiled, allowing his boyfriend to drag him away. He was strong… He was so strong, Richie wondered if he even deserved the way Eddie loved him. But he wasn’t going to tell that. Instead, as soon as they were out of the cemetery, he let out, loud enough to be sure that Eddie would hear him:

“I’m proud of you, Eds.”

Eddie stopped in his tracks, glancing at Richie, his mouth agape. Richie could see now how much his gaze was unfocused, his expression reflecting how lost and troubled he was at that moment. And, more than that, how utterly exhausted he was… Letting go of Richie’s arm, he attempted to type on his lightwriter:

“ _Don’t feel”_

Eddie didn’t even manage to finish his sentence. Richie saw the exact moment his body gave up entirely, and grabbed him before he encountered the ground, hugging Eddie tightly against him. His fingers relaxed around the flower bouquet, but Richie didn’t bother to attempt to catch it. Eddie was his utmost priority right now. Glancing around him, Richie noticed a bench nearby and carried his boyfriend until he reached it, sitting on it and guiding his partner into lying down and resting his head on his knees.

Richie couldn’t tell if Eddie was asleep or if he was just too tired emotionally to react in any way. He just knew that he needed his support right now, and Richie was there, caressing his partner’s shivering skin, feeling under his fingers how slightly feverish he was. Eddie’s eyelids opened, but he wasn’t looking at anything, his jaw going slack, lips parted. Richie was worried, of course, but he wasn’t going to show it. Eddie needed his support.

“I’m here, Eddie. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

Quickly, Richie texted Bev, asking her to come to get them and drive them home. If Eddie woke up from his dazed state, she would know what to do. How to react. She got it, unlike Richie, unlike anyone else in their group. Waiting for her to join them, Richie caressed Eddie’s hair gently, watching over his boyfriend. At some point, his eyes started to roll in their sockets, his face clearly alarmed, a weird noise making its way past his lips:

“Guh! Guh!”

Richie attempted to calm him down, wondering what Eddie’s traumatized and feverish mind was forcing him to handle at this point. It wasn’t the first time he heard him making those noises, and, every time he did, he always seemed so scared, so desperate… Richie didn’t know what to do, how to help…

But he still tried. Shushing Eddie gently, he attempted to reassure him, to chase away the terrible thoughts that were plaguing his mind at the moment, whatever they might be:

“Bev is going to be here soon. And I’m here too. You’re safe. You did it, Eds. You told her what you needed to say, and you said goodbye. It’s okay now. You can rest.”

Richie repeated those two last sentences, until Eddie finally closed his eyes and stopped making those upsetting noises. Richie’s fingers were close to his boyfriend’s mouth, and, as a result, Eddie’s lips closed around them, sucking on them intently. Richie kept himself as still as possible, despite how jittery he was. Eddie clearly needed to rest.

Richie’s free fingers hovered where Eddie hit him repeatedly, screaming the same word again and again until it turned into an unintelligible wail. He shivered at the thought, biting on his bottom lip. Richie almost screwed it all up. He never saw Eddie react that way, especially not towards him. He did bite him once, unwillingly, but that… It was different. A denial so strong that Eddie didn’t know how to cope with it, until Richie managed to get him to remember that Maggie existed and that she loved him dearly. That she was more of a mom to him than his biological mother ever was.

And Eddie needed that. As of now, he needed a maternal figure to rely on, to guide him, to help him. Maybe he’d be able to detach himself from that after a while, but for now, he definitely needed it. And Richie was more than happy to share his mom with Eddie, especially if it helped him to get over the monster that was Mrs. Kaspbrak.

The words Eddie had for her in the first place were making him nauseous. What kind of fucked up crap did she pull on him to make him regret the way she treated him? To convince him that he actually _missed_ her? God, Eddie… Richie didn’t have the words. He could only caress his partner’s hair, letting him suck mindlessly on his fingers, relieved to see that he was asleep and that he didn’t seem too agitated.

When Beverly finally joined them, Richie didn’t know if he should try to move Eddie to her car yet. Instead, she sat next to Richie, brushing Eddie’s cheek with her fingers.

“I guess it must have been pretty intense, right?”

Richie almost laughed at her words, and he wasn’t even sure why. Probably because he was unhinged as well, hurting in a way he couldn’t quite decipher, after he did everything he could to set his feelings aside and allow Eddie to grieve his mother the way he wanted to:

“Yeah, uh… Yeah. I… I don’t even know what to say.”

Beverly nodded gently, putting her hand on Richie’s shoulder:

“Then don’t. You don’t have to say a word for now. Give yourself some time. We’ll talk later.”

And even if she wasn’t there with them, Richie had the feeling that she _knew._ She knew what Eddie went through, how he handled this situation, the things he said to her, how much it affected him. Because she carried this burden way before Eddie had to. Because she had to cope with all of that when she was merely a teenager, while most of the people around her were only caring about their grades, being loved by the most popular boy or girl in the school, or any other futile subject that was so far removed from her own life.

The way she looked at Eddie, eyes filled with pride, love, and understanding… She got him in a way Richie would never be able to. Bending over Eddie, she kissed his forehead, whispering to him, so softly that Richie felt humbled and even ashamed to be privy to her words:

“You’re free, Eddie. You can be proud of yourself. She didn’t break you. She never did.”

And maybe he heard her, maybe not, but Richie had the feeling that Eddie definitely relaxed as soon as she said those words, his breathing slowing down, sucking less intently on Richie’s fingers. Peaceful. He almost seemed… peaceful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was really intense to write. Eddie had a lot to say to his mother, but it's complicated. And Richie doesn't really know how to help, but he's trying and he shows that he's there for Eddie. He's also piecing everything together progressively, but he still misses something essential to understand the whole situation, why Eddie is so upset all the time.
> 
> I'm not gonna say much more, I'm quite tired and I need to get some rest, after this weekend and all c:. I'm only going to thank you all for your support and your kind words, I think they're really helping and going to help for the next few weeks, during the lockdown. 
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave a comment if you feel like it, I'd love to read your reaction after Eddie's "meeting" with his mother. I wanted to handle it with the care it deserved, but it's a tough subject. 
> 
> You can also leave kudos if you want to and/or subscribe to the story/series. 
> 
> Thank you for your attention! Have a nice day, take care and see you soon!


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 36th chapter of this fanfic! God, we're getting closer and closer to the end after every chapter. I don't exactly how much more I'm going to write, but well... It's getting there. I feel a bit sad about it, even though I know that there are plenty of stories I still want to write (and that I hope you'll like as well). Thank you all for your support, it helped so much during this weird, weird year.
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of ableism  
> TW for mention of abuse
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

The first thing Eddie saw, opening his eyes, was a literal fire. It took him some fluttering from his eyelids to actually distinguish who was sitting beside him, her hand caressing his hair tenderly. Beverly. Her gaze was fixated on him, her lips stretching into a smile when she realized that he was awake.

“Welcome back, bud.”

Eddie yawned for quite some time, stretching his limbs, trying to clear his mind. A soft sigh escaped his slightly hurtful throat, the pain probably due to his previous screams. What happened at the cemetery was still fresh in his memory, but Eddie couldn’t quite process it yet. Maybe because he was tired. Perhaps he wasn’t ready for that, at the moment.

He rubbed his eyes, listening to Beverly’s voice, making a conscious effort to catch every one of her words and give it sense:

“Everyone else is out for now. I convinced them to leave the flat for a while. If you’re up for it, we could join them at the fair later. Of course, it’s only an offer, you don’t have to say “yes” if you don’t want to.”

Nodding slowly, Eddie vaguely wondered how on earth Beverly managed to get Richie to go out, when he was there, still recovering from this morning’s events. His friend could be quite persuasive, Eddie was aware of that, but still. It was definitely an exploit.

His whole body was suffering, as if he just ran a marathon and was now handling the consequences of his intense effort. But Eddie didn’t really feel bad. Mostly confused. It was hard to put concrete words on what he was experiencing right now… Thankfully, he didn’t have to do it immediately. Beverly reassured him on this point, cupping his cheeks in a loving gesture:

“There are burgers waiting for us. You must be starving, after all of that. I am, anyway.”

Eddie didn’t really know if he was hungry, but one glance at the alarm clock convinced him that it was definitely time for him to eat. Yawning once again, he managed to push away the blanket covering him, slowly putting his feet on the floor. Beverly helped him up, careful in her motions, making sure that she wasn’t hurting him or hurrying him in any way. Eddie appreciated it. He really needed to take things slow, as of now.

Clutching to her hand, Eddie allowed his friend to lead him to the living room, sitting on his chair, waiting for Beverly to do the same. She put a plate in front of him, filled with a burger that looked so appetizing that Eddie’s mouth watered at the sight. She took a bite out of her own dish, humming happily at the taste:

“Junk food is the best. Especially with a friend.”

She winked at him, and Eddie blushed slightly, glancing back at his own burger. Following suit, he started to eat as well, the taste helping him to wake up completely, the food in his stomach allowing him to regain some strength. God, Beverly was right!

Eddie’s hands started to flap as soon as he put his burger back in his plate, expressing how delighted he was to get to eat that. If he could care about it, Eddie would probably get worried about the potential health issues that something as rich as a burger could bring. But right now, his mind was entirely focused on the taste and how enjoyable it was to savor this meal.

Beverly picked up some fries, dipping them in ketchup sauce. She swallowed what she had in her mouth, glancing at Eddie, who was slower than her, taking the time to indulge his eager taste buds. Resting her chin on the palm of her hand, she asked him, a gentle smile on her lips:

“How are you feeling, Eddie?”

Eddie stopped eating, putting back his burger on his plate. That was the ultimate question, right? How was he feeling? He didn’t know. Not even bothering to use words, Eddie shrugged, keeping his eyes down:

“Yeah, I get it. You must feel a bit confused right now.”

It was the understatement of the year, but Beverly was right. Everything felt unclear, as if Eddie didn’t have a single answer to give to the simplest questions. That’s not what he expected to experience, once he’d talk to his mother. Maybe he was being naive, but Eddie truly thought that he would get a sense of clarity out of it, a big and grand realization that would guide him onto the right path. Instead, he was just… lost.

Wiping his fingers, Eddie hovered over his lightwriter’s keyboard, looking for his words. What was he supposed to say? No… What did he want to say? Nothing. And everything at the same time. Eddie bit down his bottom lip, trying to make sense of the thoughts that were currently crossing his mind. It was supposed to help him, right? Going to his mother’s grave, telling her everything he needed to, saying goodbye? So why did he feel so clueless, right now?

“ _I don’t know what to say.”_

Beverly nodded at his words, showing a clear understanding. She got closer to Eddie, offering him gently:

“You don’t have to tell me anything. We can just eat in peace, watch some stupid flick, and have a good time as friends, just you and me.”

She then brushed his cheek tenderly, adding with a reassuring voice:

“Or you can say what’s on your mind. It doesn’t matter if it feels ridiculous, weird, or incomprehensible. I’m not gonna judge you. You have my word, Eddie.”

Oh, how tempting it was to let it all go. Pretend that none of that happened and enjoy a fun afternoon with Beverly, before joining everyone else at the fair. But it would be too easy. Eddie could feel it: his heart was still heavy, and he needed to talk about what happened. But not to Richie or Mike. They were too close. They wouldn’t understand, and they would worry uselessly.

But Bev? She would get it. Because they relate to each other, when it came to the abuse they both suffered from during their childhood. Because they knew what it was like… Taking a bite out of his burger, Eddie thought for a while about what he wanted to say, before he finally managed to type, slowly, but surely:

“ _I want to talk about it. But I don’t know where to start.”_

Beverly nodded thoughtfully. She grabbed some fries, munching pensively on them, before she finally answered:

“Perhaps I could guide you a little, bud. Do you think it helped, what you did this morning?”

Once again, Eddie shrugged. He felt frustrated to be unable to give a straight answer, but that’s just how it was. It was all definitely more complicated than Eddie thought it would be. He couldn’t simply give a “Yes” or “No” answer…

“ _Maybe? I don’t know. It’s hard to say. I feel tired and puzzled.”_

“Yeah, I can imagine. I don’t really know what happened, I didn’t ask Richie, but...”

“ _You didn’t?”_

Eddie was genuinely surprised by this fact. He thought that his partner told her everything, that she was aware of every word he said, but it didn’t seem to be the case. Shaking her head, she clarified, playing distractedly with her fries:

“No. I wasn’t sure you’d like me to know. It wasn’t Richie’s place to tell me so, anyway. He called me to get you here, then he didn’t say much on the matter. I think he’s sharing this idea with me, that it should be your choice to talk about it or not.”

Eddie was still having a hard time believing that he had a right to privacy. Not after being the unwilling subject of his mother’s books, not when he had to spend a whole year getting used to the fact that there were cameras following him around, filming his life, framing it in a way that suited his mom’s agenda. The fact that Beverly and Richie gave him this choice warmed up his heart in a way he couldn’t quite describe.

He typed a quick “Thanks” and it was now Beverly’s turn to shrug, as if there was nothing worth being grateful about. Eddie knew better than that. Maybe it didn’t seem much for her, but it was definitely a big deal on his part. Managing to put a smile on his lips, he added:

“ _Really, thank you. I’m still learning to get used to people treating me decently, to be honest...”_

Beverly’s eyes glistened with sadness at his words. She sighed, tapping nervously on the table with her long fingers:

“It’s quite a long process, yes. Sometimes, I still wonder if I do deserve it… But Ben is quick to reassure me, every time. He’s always so nice.”

Eddie could definitely picture it. Even if he was less poetic and gifted with words than Ben, Richie always tried to make sure Eddie knew how he felt about him. And even if he couldn’t quite believe it, wondering how long it would take for Richie to realize that Eddie wasn’t working enough on himself to earn his love, it still helped, hearing his partner trying to reassure him. Eddie felt less alone in Richie’s arms, listening to his gentle words…

Beverly was looking at him with an understanding gaze, remaining silent and pensive. If there was someone who knew what Eddie was going through at the moment, it was definitely her. Finishing her plate, Bev set it aside, playing with her fiery hair. At this moment, Eddie felt _seen,_ in a way he couldn’t quite explain.

“It’s not what you expected, right? When you watch movies, there’s always this big moment that changes everything. But Reality is quite different. There’s no climax, no light bulb suddenly becoming bright and showing the path to take… Life just goes on.”

It was probably the most frustrating part. Despite the fact that his therapist clearly told him that he might not gain much from his visit, Eddie still expected something truly concrete. A clarity of mind, a moment of pure revelation, that would let him know who he had to become and what he should do… But there was none of that. Only a tired feeling and pure confusion inhabiting his scattered thoughts.

“I was waiting for this moment too. When my father was sent to jail, and my aunt took me under her wing. I kept expecting this big reveal, the moment where everything would suddenly stop being so damn perplexing and hard to deal with… And I thought that finally confronting my father would do the trick.”

Eddie let out a worried whine, while Beverly was downing her drink, before she smiled at him reassuringly:

“It’s okay, I can talk about it all now.”

Eddie had no idea that she actually saw her father again, after everything that happened. To be honest, she always remained discreet on the matter, only alluding to it when she felt that she had no other choice. Eddie was pretty sure that he didn’t know half of what she had to go through, back when she was still living with her biological father.

She probably talked about it to Ben before, but Eddie still felt humbled to be on the receiving end of her confessions. She trusted him, and Eddie’s heart was so full, thinking about this simple fact. Putting his hand on hers, he squeezed it tightly, eliciting another smile from Beverly. She took a deep breath, sharing her story:

“You were already gone when it happened. I was about to go to college, to pursue my dream studies. I felt stronger than I ever was, and yet there was still this nagging feeling that haunted me. I wanted him to know. I wanted to rub it in his face, for him to see that I wasn’t his Bevvy anymore. I don’t really know what I expected, but I guess I thought it would give me a new perspective. That, maybe, it would stop the nightmares and the flinching and everything else that I was still dealing with.”

Beverly always hid well her feelings, only allowing her friends and everyone else to see what she wanted them to perceive. As a result, Eddie never suspected how hard it had been on her, the thoughts that were haunting her, plaguing her mind… He definitely admired her for her strong mentality, but as a result, he had been unable to see what she had to handle, what she allowed herself to express when no one could see her.

Biting on his bottom lip, filled with guilt, Eddie remained quiet, letting Beverly order her thoughts and find her words. She definitely didn’t talk about this subject often, having trouble figuring out how to get it all out. Eddie wasn’t always very perceptive, but he knew better than to interrupt her or tell her yet about his own feelings. She was trusting him, and he would show her that she was right to do so.

“I persuaded my aunt to bring me to him. She had her doubts, but she ultimately decided that I was serious and that she wouldn’t be able to convince me to do otherwise. I was too unhinged to be a part of his trial, but at this moment, I felt ready to see him and to tell him all about the things I would do, so far away from the little girl he wanted me to remain.”

Eddie could painfully relate to her words. More than often, he thought about his mother, and how she would react to his current life, the fact that he had a boyfriend (Richie Tozier, nonetheless), that he was living on his own, that he didn’t need as much help as she thought he did (or convinced him of, anyway). On her grave, he told her everything he could manage to think of, hoping that something would happen, that he’d get a revelation or something, but…

“I started to feel really small, when I first saw him. But Auntie was there, holding my hand, reminding me that I wasn’t alone and that he couldn’t do a thing to hurt me anymore. So, I spilled the beans, and I talked to him about everything I could think of. I pictured him getting angry, sad, feeling humiliated, maybe even contemplating killing himself… I don’t know.”

Her voice started to shake on those last few words. Beverly cleared her throat, managing to smile at Eddie when he rested his head against her shoulder, hugging her tightly, showing her his support in his own way. She patted his hair tenderly, inhaling and exhaling deeply, regaining control of her emotions. He hoped he helped, even if it was just a little. If only he could do much more for his friend…

“He just… smiled. He didn’t talk, not even a word. He had the phone on his ear, but he stayed silent, looking at me, smiling. It was so… unnerving. In the end, I just left, and I never came back. I cried once we reached my aunt’s car. I didn’t get the satisfying feeling I expected. Instead, I was convinced that he knew something about me that I didn’t. It took me so many therapy sessions to finally come to terms with what happened and what I didn’t get.”

Eddie shuddered, thinking about what she had to go through, picturing Alvin Marsh’s expression perfectly in his mind. He barely saw the man while he was still living in Derry, but the few times he did were enough to scare him for life. Thinking that Beverly had to spend so many years, trapped in his clutches… Eddie hugged her even tighter, so much that she actually had to tell him to relax his grip a bit, so that she could breathe.

She chuckled weakly, patting his head affectionately. Eddie nuzzled his face against her arm, not quite knowing how to react to everything she was revealing to him. If only he could reassure her as well as Ben… Or Richie, whenever he was taking care of him and helping him to get over whatever he was going through. But it definitely wasn’t Eddie’s forte. He could only try to be there, hoping that it would be enough…

“I imagine that’s what you were expecting too, right? Some grand revelation about yourself, that would make everything clearer, easier to handle, right away… But it doesn’t work like that. For now, it must be all quite confusing, maybe upsetting, but it’s up to you to decide what to make of what happened. Focus on the things you managed to say, what you chose to do…”

Beverly smiled thoughtfully, caressing Eddie’s hair in a tender gesture. Eddie sighed reflexively, getting even closer to her. Besides Richie and his parents, the Losers were pretty much the only people Eddie was able to appreciate the touch. Beverly was no exception. Her fingers felt very differently from Richie, lighter, softer, but he still liked to have them in his hair, on his skin. It didn’t feel intrusive, nor invasive. It only seemed natural, as if they were all part of the same body…

“When I think back about this moment, I don’t see my father’s smile. It’s just a… a distant thing, I guess. I remember that I was able to say all those things. That I didn’t flinch. That I looked in his eyes and that I knew, deep down, that I wasn’t his little girl anymore.”

Eddie nodded, a supportive whine escaping his parted lips. Beverly was strong. She was so, so strong. He didn’t know if he would have been able to do the same thing, to talk to his mom and give her a piece of his mind, if she was still alive. He liked to think he would, even if he couldn’t be sure of that. Right now, what happened was too fresh in his mind to really be able to get something out of it. But if he took the time he needed, talked to his therapist, Richie too… Maybe it would help? Perhaps he would be able to only keep in mind the parts he was most proud of…

Ruffling Eddie’s hair, Beverly finally added, winking while doing so:

“Anyway, time to end my sob story. I just wanted you to know that it’s okay if you don’t feel like you have the answers you were looking for, right now. This kind of thing, it takes time, like everything else, when it comes to our shared set of issues. And there’s stuff you won’t get over so easily, that you’ll have to work on, again and again, sure, but...”

Beverly lifted his chin gently, her fingers guiding Eddie to do so, looking at him with eyes full of love, support, and understanding:

“But there’s everything else. The people that you love. The things that you manage to do, the small and the big ones. What you’re enjoying, day after day. The simplest pleasures. Every time I wake up in Ben’s arms, I remember that I’m loved. That I’m not alone. I bet it’s the same for you, right?”

Eddie nodded, although his heart was aching at her words. He couldn’t be so sure about that, not like Beverly was… Bev was amazing the way she was. She didn’t have to worry that Ben and everyone else wouldn’t love her anymore, if she wasn’t careful enough. But Eddie? Eddie definitely had to. People would leave, if he didn’t work on himself. If he didn’t, at least; try to talk. To communicate, in the _right_ way.

Eddie started to close his lips on his fingers, when he realized what he just did. Shaking his head, he pulled them out, ceasing to hug his friend and rubbing his hands on his pants instead. Beverly raised an eyebrow at the sight, definitely intrigued. She invited him to look at her, cupping his face gently, allowing him to get away from her touch if he felt uncomfortable with it:

“Eddie...”

Everything about her was so inviting, so alluring. Her gaze, her voice, the way she touched him, her presence… Eddie focused on his friend, putting his distress aside, while Beverly asked him, keeping her tone gentle and unwavering:

“Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

And, at this moment, Eddie was utterly tempted to tell her everything. To talk about Myra, Tate, his fears, what he was trying so hard to learn, how much he was struggling… She would get it, right? She would understand, for sure. But… But he couldn’t. The words were there, right there, but he couldn’t allow them out.

He would lose everything if he did. Myra wouldn’t be able to teach him anymore. Perhaps he wouldn’t even be able to see Tate as well. And… And Richie would get tired of him, at some point. Of his lazy ass, how useless he could be, all of the things he couldn’t do, even the simplest stuff… Why would Richie want to stay with someone who couldn’t even tell him out loud how much he loved him?

Eddie whined nervously at the thought. He put his hands over Beverly’s, getting them away from his face, shaking his head. No! No, he didn’t want to tell a thing to Beverly! He… He didn’t want to… He… Maybe… He didn’t know…

A part of him really wished to just spill the beans and free himself from this unbearable weight. But it wouldn’t be without consequences, and he knew it. Eddie couldn’t risk it. Losing Richie, Maggie, Went, the Losers, Tate… No one left. And without anyone around, Eddie… Eddie wouldn’t be able to remain strong. He would break. And his mother would have won.

“Eddie?”

Eddie took a deep breath, trying to keep his twirling emotions under check. So hard to do, when all he could think about was to explode… He shook his head once again, managing to type on his lightwriter, hands shaking:

“ _Fine. Need to go to bathroom.”_

Before Beverly had the time to say a thing, Eddie bolted, locking himself in the bathroom. Once he was there, he let himself fall on the floor, curling up and rocking back and forth, hugging himself tightly. He was digging his fingernails in his skin, in a painful way that mitigated the mental anguish he was going through. He knew he shouldn’t do that, but… but…

Eddie heard a soft “thud” out of the bathroom, and his phone vibrated. He pulled it out, reading the text he just received:

_I’m sitting against the door. You can let me in whenever you want. Can I help you in any way?_

Eddie didn’t know what to answer, reading Beverly’s words again and again. He glanced at the door, knowing that she was there, that she would stay here all day if she deemed it necessary. That’s how Beverly was: stubborn and caring in a way that no one could ever hope to grasp. Eddie managed to get up, taking a few steps before he finally sat again, his back against the door. If he closed his eyes, he could almost feel her, so close, showing him her support in her own way…

After a while, he finally managed to send her a text, hiding his face in his hands afterward, embarrassed by what he just asked:

_Can you sing something for me?_

He expected her to refuse or even laugh at his request. But instead, Eddie suddenly heard her voice, singing roughly the lyrics of “You’ve got a friend in me” from the movie Toy Story. He chuckled at the choice, but he quickly went silent, swaying slightly against the door, listening to the lyrics and the loving voice that was singing them:

_There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you_

_We stick together and we see it through_

_'Cause you've got a friend in me_

_You've got a friend in me_

_Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am_

_Bigger and stronger too, maybe_

_But none of them will ever love you the way I do_

_It's me and you, boy_

_And as the years go by_

_Our friendship will never die_

_You're gonna see it's our destiny_

_You've got a friend in me_

It was simple and cheesy, but it was precisely what Eddie needed to hear, right at this moment. He choked back a sob, listening to Beverly’s voice, singing those lyrics again and again, patiently, waiting for him to come out. When he finally did, unlocking the door, Eddie threw himself in Beverly’s arms, hugging her tightly, shaking slightly.

She stopped singing, keeping him near, caressing his back in a comforting way. While she was doing so, she whispered to his ear words he couldn’t say no to:

“Can you promise me you’ll share what’s troubling you to someone? Even if it’s not right now?”

Eddie wasn’t able to answer at the moment, but he frantically nodded, hugging Beverly as if his life depended on it. He would talk about it all. One day, he would. He promised it. He just… He needed some time. To make sure that Richie and everyone else would always love him. That what they shared would never die…

Beverly muttered a soft “Good”, helping Eddie on his feet, wiping his tears away. Putting a smile on her face, she suggested, pinching her friend’s cheek in a teasing manner:

“Now, since my back makes me feel like I’m an old grandma, I suggest that we move to the living room and that we put on some ridiculous comedy movie to laugh at. I have just the right one in mind, I’m sure Audra still have the videotape I lent to her...”

And that’s how they spent the rest of the afternoon, cuddling on the couch, giggling and laughing at the movie Beverly put on, eating candies and drinking hot cocoa, not caring for a second about the rest of the world. It helped. It really helped. So much that Eddie actually felt ready to join everybody else at the fair, to spend the evening there with them…

Nodding at his suggestion, Beverly texted everyone, telling them to meet them at the fair’s entrance. She waited to see if Eddie needed her help to tie up his shoelaces and button up his coat, but he didn’t ask. She merely waited, not showing a single hint of impatience in her behavior, and Eddie managed to do it on his own, smiling at his small accomplishment. Maybe it was what truly mattered, after all... The little, joyful things in his life...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write an Eddie & Bev chapter for so long, I'm glad I finally got to do so! I hope you liked it c:. I felt it was needed, after what happened. Bev knew she needed to have some alone time with Eddie and she convinced everyone else to trust her on this, for good reasons. 
> 
> I think that, even if Eddie is not ready yet to talk, it's definitely going to help in the long run, their conversation, her trust, the promise he made to her. Thanks to her, he took the first step he couldn't take until then. 
> 
> Beverly is always so great to write, there's so much strength and vulnerability in her, she's such an interesting character. I hope you like my interpretation of her.
> 
> Next time, I'm writing about the fair, so it's definitely going to be more lighthearted than the previous chapters! Can't wait to write it c:.
> 
> Thank you again for your support. Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to read what you thought about this Bev & Eddie centric chapter. You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it, as well as subscribe to this story/series.
> 
> My thoughts are with you during this difficult day. I hope I was able to distract you a little. Have a nice day, see you soon c:.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay. My thoughts are with you during those hard times. I hope I'll be able to distract you a little bit. 
> 
> Thank you all for your support c:. You really make my days, you don't know how much you're helping c:.
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for internalized homophobia
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something c:. Good reading!

No matter how hard he tried to, Richie couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Eddie. Even though he knew that it was best for him to stay away for now, thanks to Bev’s explanation and patience, he felt guilty, knowing that he left his boyfriend behind after the emotional turmoil he went through this morning.

The other Losers and Audra were attempting to cheer him up and to distract him from the current situation, but to no use. Richie managed a forced smile here and there, a not-so-well timed at some point, and that was pretty much it. His mind was entirely focused on Eddie, wondering if he was doing okay.

Probably not, right? After a while, Richie started to forget the last time he wasn’t actually worried about Eddie’s well-being. His partner was hiding something, something heavy to bear, and even though Richie was getting a clearer image of it, he was still not entirely sure how to deal with it or what it was truly about. It wasn’t like he could just ask Eddie, Richie already saw how it went, when he tried to do so.

But the things he said, on his mother’s grave… Richie bit his bottom lip at the thought. Why the fuck did he start to think that he had to work on himself to be loved by his friends? By Richie? This sentence haunted him for the rest of the day, but he couldn’t figure out what he might have done or said to trigger this idea in Eddie’s mind. But attempting to correct him on this fact had been enough to distress him, to the point that Richie definitely thought he would regress.

Richie couldn’t remember ever seeing Eddie acting the way he did, screaming those screeching, angry, and despaired “No!”, hitting him with his fists. Eddie didn’t talk verbally. Even when he had his meltdowns, the closest he’d get to speak would be to attempt to call for his mother, a wail that barely got past the first syllable. Most of the time, Eddie would whine, moan, groan… But actually saying “no”? It was far from usual.

The last time Eddie attempted to talk verbally, he was trying to stop Bowers and his gang from beating up Richie. Complying to their sick, twisted game, he did not realize at the time that Henry Bowers never intended to respect his deal’s end, even if Eddie managed to actually say the word their bully wanted him to articulate. Thinking back to this event was enough to send chills down Richie’s spine, a sudden wave of nausea taking over his stomach. Thankfully, he managed to keep it under control…

Since then, Eddie never said another word out loud. Richie was convinced that the fact that he vocalized his opposition so desperately was definitely bad news, but he didn’t know how to discuss this matter with him. Not without risking to upset him even more… And that wasn’t something Richie wanted. At all.

He hoped that Beverly would be able to help, in some way. At first, he was tempted to tell her what happened, so that she would know exactly what she was dealing with, but given the fact that Eddie explicitly requested to be alone with Richie to visit his mother’s grave, he probably didn’t want her or anyone else to know about it all. She didn’t ask, anyway.

She probably could relate more to Eddie’s issues at the moment than Richie would ever be able to. He was lucky enough to have a loving family, parents that were supportive through and through. Even when his mother was dealing with her own demons, struggling with alcoholism, she was still there for Richie, as much as she could. But Bev and Eddie? They never got that. Beverly’s mother died while giving birth to him, and Eddie had been too young when his father passed away to keep more than passing memories of the man he used to be.

For so long, they only knew abuse, even thinking that it was a form of love. But it wasn’t. And if Beverly had the time and the help she needed when she was younger, Eddie was still struggling with it all, even though he definitely progressed. But his recovery was only beginning, and it was a long and treacherous path to take.

Maybe Richie shouldn’t be so surprised that Eddie was thinking again that he didn’t deserve their love… Sonia Kaspbrak drilled into his head that her affection had to be earned, after all. Something that could be taken away at any time, supposedly because Eddie wasn’t “good” enough. His partner couldn’t just brush it off because Richie tried to reassure him, along with his therapist and everyone else.

It was something they’ll have to keep working on, again and again, until Eddie would be able to truly get it. If it was even possible… If needed, Richie would keep on reassuring him, for the rest of their life, reminding him that he was loved and that it wasn’t something he had to “earn” from them. He was definitely ready for that, if he had to.

But first, how to broach the subject? Probably not here, while everyone else was around. Maybe Mike should be involved as well. Richie definitely had to learn to rely on his friend more often. Speaking of him, Mike certainly seemed to be doing better… He was happily following Bill around, reading out loud the guide their friend lent to him, gushing over the city’s history and the sights they were seeing.

Richie could only hope that it would last. That Mike would get to be happy again, truthfully. Seeing him so distraught, and not knowing what to do, Richie couldn’t take it anymore. Between Eddie and Mike’s predicaments, he felt so helpless, so useless… He would give anything to be able to save his friends from their troubles, but maybe it didn’t work that way. Perhaps they had to save themselves, doing whatever was necessary for them to get over what was upsetting them… And Richie would be there for them, supporting them as much as they would need him to.

To be honest, Richie didn’t like to be in this position. It would mean that he would just have to keep waiting, unable to do much else. And he was tired of doing so. If only he could help Eddie, in any way possible…

Right when he was thinking about that, Richie received a text from Bev, letting him know that that Eddie was feeling better and wanted to join them at the fair. He finally managed to smile genuinely, sharing the good news with his friends. His step was definitely lighter while he was following Bill and Audra, whistling a tune he couldn’t get out of his head. Mike walked beside him, chuckling at his sudden enthusiasm:

“Well, it’s good to see you like that.”

“You too, Mikey Mike.”

Richie glanced quickly at Bill, before he whispered to Mike, grinning widely:

“Is there something I don’t know? Come on, don’t keep all the juicy stuff for yourself!”

Mike rolled his eyes with an amused smile, shrugging afterward:

“Nothing much. I just had a really good night.”

Richie groaned at his words, poking Mike’s cheek insistently:

“Come on, tell me! It’s about Big Bill, right?”

Mike could be quite an open book sometimes. Richie knew he was right as soon as his friend cleared his throat, massaging his neck in a nervous tic. So it was definitely about Bill!

“I knew it! Don’t leave me hanging, Mike, you gotta tell me!”

“Later.”

No matter how much Richie insisted, Mike kept his secrets, a knowing smile on his lips. Richie finally gave up, pouting exaggeratedly. But truth be told, he only cared about the fact that Mike wasn’t so gloomy anymore. He actually seemed at peace with himself, and that was all Richie really needed to know. Even though he was definitely curious about the whole thing…

When they arrived at the fair’s entrance, Eddie and Beverly were already there, waiting for them. Eddie was swaying on his feet, looking around with a fascinated gaze, blinking quickly whenever his eyes were assaulted by the flickering lights he stumbled upon. Richie wished he brought sunglasses, he didn’t think it would be an issue… Maybe he could win some for his boyfriend at the fair, even if they were shitty?

Meanwhile, Beverly was talking vividly to Eddie, watching over him tenderly. At some point, her fingers reached Eddie’s hair, ruffling it affectionately. By the way he reacted to her touch, leaning into it, Richie could definitely tell that whatever they talked about got them closer. That it helped Eddie, ever so slightly.

As soon as Eddie noticed them, his eyes widened, and he left Beverly’s side, running to Richie and hugging him tightly. Richie instantly hugged him back, a relieved sigh coming out of his lips. He had been so worried, not knowing how Eddie was handling it all… But he seemed okay. For now, at least.

“Hey, Eds. Glad to see you. You had a good afternoon with Beverly?”

Eddie nodded enthusiastically, and Richie raised his gaze towards Bev for a second, mouthing a silent “Thank you”. Beverly shrugged as an answer, kissing Ben on the cheek when he joined her, quickly holding her hand in his, always affectionate.

“And me? You’re not glad to see me, Richie Rich?”

Grimacing at the nickname, Richie rolled his eyes, huffing indignantly:

“Don’t start with that, if you don’t want me to call you Pippi Longstocking. I’ll do it!”

She considered the threat carefully, before deciding that it wasn’t worth it, changing the subject:

“You took your sweet time, all of you. I thought Eddie and I would have to enjoy the fair without you.”

“ _It wasn’t so long, barely a few minutes...”_

“Nah, bud, we’re waited for like a whole year. Richie, you definitely have to buy me cotton candy, or I’ll never forgive you.”

Richie gasped exaggeratedly, pointing at Ben with an outraged expression on his face:

“Why me? Why not Mr. Handsome over here?”

Ben awkwardly reacted, clutching to Beverly’s hand, mumbling shyly:

“I… I could, I mean… You did wait for us.”

Beverly chuckled at his reaction, telling him how cute he was, before kissing him on the lips. Oh, how tempting it would be to do the same with Eddie… But Richie wasn’t there yet. He wasn’t sure he would ever be, even if he managed to impulsively kiss his partner in the cemetery, where everyone there could have seen them. He didn’t even think about it for a second, to be honest. Richie just wanted to help him calm down, and he didn’t know what he was supposed to do…

But kissing Eddie right here, right there? When his mind was calm enough to let him hear those _voices_ , reminding him how disgusting he was, how unnatural it was, the way people would notice them and hate them, without knowing a thing, just because they dared to be different…

“Iiie?”

Eddie grabbed onto his hands, squeezing them tightly. Richie stopped zoning out, focusing back on his boyfriend, caressing his cheek:

“I’m okay, Eds. Let’s have fun, shall we? Bill, Audra, lead the way!”

It’s been so long since the last time Richie went to a fair. He was still living in Derry back then, and Eddie barely left town, a few months ago. The Losers dragged him there, hoping that it would distract him for a while, but it didn’t help. Richie could only think about Eddie, wondering if he was okay, how much he would have loved taking part in this, with all of them…

But now, his boyfriend was there, following him enthusiastically, his fingers intertwined with Richie’s, an awed expression on his pretty cute face. If only Stan and Patty were there, it would be perfect, but Richie settled for what they had now, knowing they would find the opportunity later to do it again, all of them. 

While Bill and Audra were arguing on the first attraction they should go to, thankfully keeping their discussion civil and lighthearted, Richie noticed Eddie slowing down, focusing on something he couldn’t quite see.

“Hey, guys, wait up!”

They all stopped, while Richie asked Eddie, who seemed embarrassed that they didn’t keep on walking, just because of him:

“Is there something you’d like to do, Eddie?”

Eddie hesitated, humming nervously, rubbing his hands over his pants. Richie definitely noticed that he still didn’t want to stim as he usually did, but he knew better than to bring it up to him right now, choosing instead to reassure him:

“Hey, we have all the time in the world, Eds. If you wanna do something, then we’ll do it. Don’t twist your panties over this, it’s gonna be fun! Come on, what do you want to do?”

Eddie nodded quietly, remaining still for a short moment, before he finally managed to type on his lightwriter, definitely embarrassed:

“ _I saw a stuffed animal that kinda looks like you. I want to win it for you.”_

Richie raised an eyebrow at his words, intrigued, glancing at the stall Eddie was interested in. He couldn’t help but laugh when he noticed the plush that his boyfriend was definitely thinking about, ruffling his hair:

“You’re right, that’s definitely me. Richie Piggy. He even got the glasses, can you believe it?”

Once the other Losers noticed it, they started to laugh as well, Bill teasing Richie mercilessly:

“I… I bet he’s cleaner than you!”

“Billy boy!” Richie put his free hand over his heart, looking utterly offended. “I’ll have you know that my hygiene is impeccable, you badmouther!”

“Richie, you’d eat gum stuck under a bench if we dared you to. Don’t lie.”

“Only for the right price, my dear Mike.”

Richie was kidding (mostly), but Eddie was definitely grossed out, a disgusted “Eeew!” sliding past his lips. Grinning, Richie ruffled his boyfriend’s hair, eyeing at the stall, a few feet away from them:

“So, what about this Richie Piggy? Still wanna try to win it?”

Eddie nodded energetically, and the Losers walked to the stand, learning what they were supposed to do to win. Using an air gun, they had five tries to blow up three balloons. Noticing a shiny bracelet, the kind who would definitely break in a few days, Audra decided to shoot first, aiming at the balloons. When she started to do so, Eddie’s hands flew to his ears, a distressed whine escaping his lips. He flinched every time she shot, but he shook his head when Richie asked him if he wanted to leave. He was visibly decided to win the prize he noticed for Richie, no matter what…

Once Audra was done, managing to shoot four out of five balloons, she grabbed the bracelet with a victorious expression on her face, slapping it on her wrist. While the owner of the stand was explaining it all to Eddie, handing him the air rifle he would use, Audra got closer to Richie, whispering discreetly to him:

“It’s not rigged. He can win.”

She put her index finger over her lips, winking at him. Richie smiled, definitely grateful. At least, Eddie had his chances. If he couldn’t win no matter what, he would have likely gotten upset, and Richie would have had a hard time explaining to him that the game wasn’t fair in the first place… 

Noticing Eddie’s hesitation, giving quick and nervous glances at the rifle then at the balloons, Richie joined him, offering with a soft smile:

“Hey, let’s make a deal. You’re trying to win me this Richie Piggy, and I’ll cover your ears to allow you to shoot. Alright?”

Eddie considered Richie’s proposal, before he finally nodded, a smile on his lips. With Eddie’s explicit permission, Richie covered his boyfriend’s ears carefully, making sure to hold him tight, but not too much. Eddie barely flinched at the first shot he took, even though he groaned when he missed. Blowing in his neck to get his attention, Richie took off his hands, offering some advice:

“Take your time. Breathe deeply. You’re so hung up, I swear you could be a coat rack! Or maybe you’re just as hard as my d…”

Ben instantly muffled him, stopping his raunchy joke before Richie even had the time to finish his sentence. His friend apologized sheepishly to the owner when the guy reminded them that they needed to be more careful around his weapons, taking a step back. Richie went back to his initial position, covering Eddie’s ears, while his partner was taking a deep breath, waiting for the right moment. After his five tries, he managed to shoot the three balloons he needed to blow up, shrieking happily upon his victory. 

As soon as he handed back the air rifle, Eddie impulsively started to clap his hands, swaying happily on his feet. Thankfully, the guy at the stand didn’t say a thing, only handing him the prize and wishing them a good evening. Eddie held Richie’s hand and squeezed it lovingly, giving him the stuffed animal he managed to win. Richie grabbed it gently, grinning widely:

“We were meant for each other. Richie Tozier and Richie Piggy. Our story will be written in thousands of pages, our destiny recounted by the most brilliant storytellers and...”

“Yeah, yeah, all of that to say that you’re planning on using the poor thing to play the ventriloquist in your pub.” Beverly rolled her eyes fondly, adding with a smile: “Don’t even try to deny it.”

Richie cleared his throat, before he shushed Beverly, looking around as if invisible people could listen to them:

“Don’t reveal all of my secrets, Bev! How else I’m gonna be the next George Carlin?”

“You really think a stuffed pig will get you closer to his notoriety? Richie, my dude, I think you gotta stop the weed.”

Richie wanted to retort something, but Eddie interrupted him, now convinced that his boyfriend was doing drugs when he wasn’t around. While Richie did his best to clear himself and appease his tiny angry gremlin, who reminded him of all the potential dangers of smoking weed, their friends chuckled at their banter. Audra chided in at some point, definitely unabashed:

“Eddie, if you can’t get him to stop, tell him that weed is causing erectile dysfunction, I’m sure he’ll go to rehab immediately.”

Eddie gasped at her words and, at this moment, Richie wondered if he hadn’t been joking all along, managing to fool him completely, because he immediately protested, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _You won’t smoke anymore, I need your functioning dick at its best!”_

Richie choked on his saliva, while Beverly and Audra laughed loudly. Ben and Bill both seemed embarrassed, while Mike was letting out a long, long sigh, muttering something about his friends being “sex freaks”. A second later, Richie managed to laugh as well, patting his boyfriend’s head:

“Alright, alright, anything for you. I’ll keep my rocket steady and healthy, I know how much it’s important for you, my cute horny bunny.”

Richie pinched his cheek tenderly, Eddie whining protestingly and rubbing the skin afterward, pouting openly. He was so, so cute… Richie could only wish that he would remain happy and responsive as he was now, but he doubted it. The fair was able to distract him from his bad thoughts, but after that? Richie wasn’t sure it would last…

Still, as long as he could ensure that his Eddie Spaghetti would have a good time, Richie would do his best to entertain him. Buying everyone cotton candies, Richie chuckled when Eddie tasted his for the first time, not really knowing how to eat it. His cheeks were covered with sugar, so much that Richie was tempted to lick it clean or, at least, to put his lips on it. But he didn’t. Instead, he merely pulled out a tissue, wiping Eddie’s cheeks:

“Careful, if you look too tasty, I’m going to eat you. You seem delicious, Eddie Spaghetti.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, retorting with a smile:

“ _I’m always delicious. The sugar is just a bonus.”_

Richie chuckled at his line, grinning at his boyfriend’s cheesy joke. He didn’t realize how much he missed Eddie being his natural self until now… When was the last time he joked like that? Richie couldn’t remember it. Seeing Eddie so joyful, stimming happily without a care in the world, laughing and jumping, wanting to go everywhere, to try everything… God, Richie missed all of that so much, he hadn’t realized it fully until now.

When they sat next to each other, climbing in the bumper car they chose, Richie hugged Eddie close to him, right before it was time for his boyfriend to drive and wreck havoc. If only they could stay here, at this fair, having fun for the rest of their life, forgetting about the rest of the world… But it would have to end at some point. Until then, Richie would make sure that Eddie would get the best experience he could have, given that it was the first fair of his life.

This ride had been too much for Eddie, who was shaking slightly when it ended, having troubles to stay on his feet. He insisted that he was fine, but Richie managed to convince him to get some rest, telling everyone else to keep enjoying the rides and the stalls. He knew very well that Eddie, always stubborn, wouldn’t have stepped down if the others stayed around, persuading himself that he was bothering them…

Drinking from his soda can, Richie stretched his limbs, sighing happily:

“Aaah, I needed to sit for a second, thank god. I feel so old sometimes… My knees are going to kill me tomorrow.”

“ _If you were exercising more, it wouldn’t happen. Even if it’s just a bit of stretching or whatnot.”_

“I’ll do it if you do too. Naked.”

Eddie gave him a nasty look, putting his hand over his own mouth to hide his grin, letting out a sigh:

“ _You’re a pervert, Richie Tozier. But if it might convince you to take care of yourself a little bit more, I guess I could do it.”_

Richie gave him the thumbs up, laughing when Eddie awkwardly did the same, probably merely imitating him without knowing exactly why. After emptying his own can, Eddie rested his head on Richie’s shoulder, putting his hand on his boyfriend’s knee. A few months ago, Richie would have probably freaked out and avoided Eddie’s public display of affection, but right now, he didn’t care about what people might think. Eddie was what mattered the most, nothing else.

“You know… I dreamed of this moment for years. You and me, at the fair. Granted, I was visualizing Derry’s fair back then, so it’s not really the same, but it’s even better.”

Putting his hand over Eddie’s, Richie caressed the skin tenderly, adding with a loving smile:

“I’m so glad you’re here with me. I wish we could stay there forever...”

“ _Me too.”_

Eddie didn’t add much. Glancing at his face, Richie could see that he was pensive, but he couldn’t tell what he was thinking about, and he was worried to upset him if he started to prod too much. For a while, they just stayed like that, sitting on their bench, watching the colorful world that was surrounding them, listening to the noises around. At some point, Richie rubbed his face softly against Eddie’s head, showing him his affection however he could. He wished he could kiss him, but… but not here. Not now.

Poking Richie’s cheek, Eddie got his attention, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I want to go on the Ferris Wheel with you.”_

Richie definitely didn’t expect that, especially after the little speech Eddie uttered the day before. Taken aback, he could only say, a bit stunned:

“Uh, you’re sure?”

Eddie nodded, standing up on his legs, holding out his hand to Richie, using the other to type quickly:

“ _Time to be bold.”_

And how brave his Eddie Spaghetti was… As soon as they sat in the passengers' car, the ride owner ensuring that they were properly strapped on, Richie heard Eddie’s frail whine, his hand clutching to his own firmly. Knowing they only had mere seconds left, Richie whispered quickly to his boyfriend:

“We still have time to get off, you...”

Eddie shook his head determinedly, and Richie knew he wouldn’t change his mind, no matter how scared he was. Eddie’s grip strengthened when their passengers' car took off, so much that Richie couldn’t stop himself from grimacing painfully. Thankfully, Eddie managed to relax after a little while, bewildered by the sight he was witnessing. The ride was slow, stopping here and there, allowing them to really admire the view and enjoy it fully.

When it stopped on top, Eddie gasped, amazed by what he was actually seeing. Richie, on the other hand, could only admire his boyfriend, gazing at him lovingly. He took a deep breath, his heart beating quickly, mumbling awkwardly:

“Time to be bold.”

Before Eddie could react, Richie got him to turn his face towards him, mouthing quietly that he loved him. He then kissed him, caressing Eddie’s cheek with one hand, putting the other on his chest, feeling his panicked heartbeat, trying to calm himself down. Eddie’s eyes widened at his gesture, but he quickly lowered his defenses, appreciating what he knew was definitely exceptional. Their first kiss in public…

When Richie ended the kiss, Eddie looked dazed, as if he couldn’t believe what happened. The ride ended, and Richie pulled him away to a less crowded place, bringing his boyfriend’s hand to his face and brushing it tenderly with his lips, before letting him know sincerely and tenderly:

“You’re making me brave, Eddie. I love you so, so much.”

Eddie remained silent for a little while, looking at Richie as if he couldn’t quite believe what he just said and did. Hugging Richie tightly, Eddie whined softly, answering back:

“ _You’re making me brave too. I’ll be even braver soon, I promise. I love you, Richie.”_

Richie didn’t know if Eddie meant that he would tell him what was bothering him, after all this time, but he didn’t ask. Instead, he merely hugged back his boyfriend, taking in his presence, his smell, the feelings of his tiny fingers clutching to his body so affectionately…

Richie dreamed about this moment for so long, but he never thought reality would be even better than everything he could have imagined. And yet, it was...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I so wanted to write a chapter with Richie and Eddie at a fair, and I finally managed to do it! I hope you liked it as much as I appreciated writing it! 
> 
> Richie allowed himself to be more public about his love for Eddie, which is definitely a big step for him. Eddie definitely realizes how much courage it took him to manage to do so, which is why he's so surprised that Richie actually did it. He wouldn't have forced it on Richie, but he's definitely more willing to be open about their relationship and he was happy to get to kiss Richie back, without pressuring him to do so in any way. I think it's important for both of them to respect their limits, when they're ready to step out of their comfort zone, when they're not and so on...
> 
> Just a note aside, but Richie Piggy (not its actually name, though) is actually a real stuffed animal I found on Amazon and it's like so freaking cute, I needed to put it in the story. Here's what it looks like: https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51nnUIOlqZL._AC_SX425_.jpg
> 
> Isn't that the cutest xD?
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter c:. Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to read your thoughts about the fair, Richie, Eddie, everyone... and this cute stuffed animal, of course xD. You can also leave a kudos if you want to, as well as subscribe to the story/series.
> 
> Thank you so much for your support. Take care, rest whenever needed and try to distract yourself a bit from the anxiety if you can. Have a nice day and see you soon!


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 38th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you're all doing okay. I'm fine, I had a good time with my brother, he's recovering progressively and it should be fine, thankfully c:.
> 
> Thank you all for your support, it really helped to put my mind off of things for a while. I hope you'll like this chapter!
> 
> With that said, here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for ableism  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for abuse  
> TW for self-harm
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Today was their last day away from their home. Tomorrow, Mike, Richie, and Eddie would have to go home. Time literally flew by, Eddie couldn’t believe it. He wished he could stay a bit longer, but Richie and Mike had to go back to work, and he… he had to focus again on his objective. Eddie shook his head, chasing the bad mood that started to invade him. He wasn’t going to ruin this day by being moody and gloomy. No, he was determined to enjoy it thoroughly, and nothing would stop him.

He closed their suitcase, sitting on the bed afterward, shaking his legs slightly. Given that it was their last day together, they all decided to end it with a bang, so that they would remember the time they spent there with a smile and not with tears.

Bill and Audra went together at the local liquor store to buy some bottles, Mike, Beverly and Ben went to the supermarket to buy food and some decorations, while Richie decided that he would rent some movies and buy a few CDs as well, to set up the mood. When his partner offered him to go with him, Eddie declined and offered to prepare their stuff instead, knowing he probably would be too sensitive to handle going out at the moment.

He was still a bit tired from his previous day, between his visit to his mother’s grave, his afternoon with Bev, and their night at the fair. God, what a final… Eddie chuckled, thinking back about Richie’s kiss, on top of the Ferris wheel. If it wasn’t the definition of romanticism, he didn’t know what it was… He definitely didn’t regret facing his fears and offering to go on this ride, that was for sure.

At first, Eddie had been terrified, thinking about the billion ways going on a Ferris wheel could suddenly lead to their death. Even though he was the one who proposed to do it, it didn’t make it less scary to handle, and he had been really tempted to just give up when he first sit in the passengers’ car. But Richie was there, by his side, and Eddie felt brave enough to do it. Because that’s always where he found his strength, in the people that he loved and cared about so much.

Richie made him stronger. Braver. Without him, Eddie wouldn’t have been able to hold on, to keep on going when nothing allowed him to be hopeful. It was because he wanted to protect him and his family that he had been able to fight back against Bowers. And if he managed to survive through his years with his mother, it was because something inside him kept hoping that he would see them all again. Eddie thought that, after all of that, he would have been allowed to rest a little, but… but he still had so much to do to ensure that they would love him forever.

Even if they told him otherwise, Eddie knew better than to blindly trust them, when it came to their unconditional love. It didn’t exist. They had no idea, because they always checked out whatever conditions they had to, so that the people around them would love them, but Eddie wasn’t ignorant or naive when it came to that. He suspected that Beverly might be aware of it as well… They shared so many things. He was tempted once again to talk to her about all of that, but he didn’t want to risk making her feeling sad, not when it was their last day together.

He’ll keep that to himself. Later. He promised he would talk about all of that, but not now. First, he needed to make sure that he was truly getting better. That he was actually able to say Richie’s name, then his friends and everyone else. He would show them how much he was working on himself, to earn their love, to truly deserve it, and they’d never leave him. Eddie would never be alone again. Even if… Even if it was really painful and exhausting. Even if it made him unable to enjoy hugging his teddy bear anymore. It… He had to pay this price. Eddie knew it.

Suddenly feeling tears on his cheeks, Eddie wiped them furiously, shaking his head. No, he wasn’t going to cry! He was going to have a good day, and then he’ll focus back on his training with Myra and Tate, and it would be for the best! He didn’t have the right to give up or feel bad about himself. He had better things to do! Taking a deep breath, Eddie stood up on his feet, going to the bathroom and glancing at his reflection in the mirror. Cleaning his face until he was satisfied that no one could guess that he cried, Eddie was about to leave when he suddenly realized that he could actually do something productive, while the others were gone.

Whenever he was alone, Eddie was often training in front of a mirror. Looking at himself, the way his lips moved, he had the feeling that it helped him to figure out how to talk. How to say the words he wanted to say. He started with the few he could actually get out without too many tries, to put himself in the right mood. Eat. Give. Cat. Yes. No. Again. And again. And again. And then, it was time for the word that truly mattered. The one he wanted desperately to learn how to say. The one Myra didn’t teach him yet, because he could barely get past monosyllabic words at the moment:

“Iiie!”

Richie’s name was hard to enunciate. First, Eddie had to figure out the “R” sound, something he didn’t manage to articulate for years. And when he’d actually manage to do that, he’d still have to figure out how to put the “Ch” in “Richie” and he couldn’t wrap his head around him at the moment. Eddie took a deep breath, sitting on the edge of the bathtub, putting his fingers on his throat to feel the vibrations he was producing.

Every time that he was on his own, Eddie was training. He was sure he was getting close to actually manage the first part of Richie’s name, but he wasn’t there yet. He figured out that groaning allowed him to get a sound close to the “R” he was trying to achieve, but it was barely understandable. And so goddamn frustrating.

“Rrrriii!”

Eddie bit on his bottom lip, trying not to draw out the sound so much. He couldn’t understand why his vocal cords were so reluctant to help him out. At some point, his therapist explained to him that it was very likely that the fact that he was nonverbal was due to a combination of the trauma he went through and his autism, something that was probably bound to happen, given that Eddie already had multiple phases of being nonverbal, even before his mother started to exploit his disability for her own gains.

At the time, it didn’t bother Eddie much, because he thought that it didn’t matter. But now, he knew better, thanks to Tate and Myra. He knew that he’d have to work very, very hard to keep the people that he loved close, or they would leave him behind, just like Tate’s parents gave up on him.

After his umpteenth attempt, Eddie literally howled, hitting his legs viciously. He couldn’t figure it out! He had to! He had to! In his frustration, a thought came to his mind, and he grabbed his phone, dialing Myra’s number. As soon as he heard her voice, he typed on his lightwriter, sharing his anger with her:

“ _I’m trying to talk, and I can’t figure it out! I need your help!”_

“Hi, Eddie. It’s such a pleasure to hear from you. I’m glad you’re still serious and training even when I’m not around. Deep breaths, now, dear. What were you trying to say?”

Her gentle voice managed to calm him down a little, and he apologized for his harsh tone and his lack of courtesy, Myra answering that she appreciated that he did. He focused on his breathing for a moment, until he was calm enough to finally answer:

“ _Richie. I want to say Richie.”_

“Oh, honey, it’s too early, you...”

Eddie rolled his eyes, rubbing his closed fist on his pants:

“ _I’m close, I’m really close! I need your help! Why can’t you help me?”_

Eddie was getting frustrated again. If she didn’t want to talk to him, why wasn’t she saying it directly? He could understand, he wasn’t stupid! He groaned, and Myra shushed him down, so authoritatively that Eddie could only go silent, his lips tightly sealed. She always knew how to calm him down, how to get him to focus on her exercises, what she wanted him to do, or to say… There was something strangely reassuring about it. And familiar. 

“I never said I wouldn’t help you, Eddie. I just think you’re not ready for such a big word. But as I told you, you’re the one in control, and if that’s what you think you should do, then I’m going to help you.”

Eddie thanked her, utterly relieved to know that he could count on her. Myra would help. He needed her. He needed her so badly. His fingers ventured close to his mouth, and he pulled them away, so violently that he hit them against the bathtub’s ceramic. A pained wail escaped his lips, and Myra immediately inquired, concern lacing her voice:

“Are you okay, Eddie? What happened?”

Eddie hesitated. He didn’t want to tell her what he did, because he knew she wouldn’t appreciate it. She was very clear when it came to her rules: Eddie had to respect them during their lessons, no matter what. And it was definitely a lesson right now. She repeated his name, and Eddie couldn’t bear keeping this secret from her. She would know, anyway. She always knew everything.

“ _I was about to put my fingers in my mouth. But I yanked them away before it happened, and I hit the bathtub clumsily. I’m sorry.”_

Myra sighed, and Eddie felt incredibly ashamed and guilty. He lowered his head down, while she admonished him for his behavior:

“You know very well that you shouldn’t do that, Eddie. How do you expect to be able to talk if you keep bringing your fingers to your mouth? Besides, it’s not a healthy habit. I can’t understand why your mother, of all people, ever tolerated that from you...”

Eddie didn’t know. He didn’t know, and he felt terrible. He promised he wouldn’t do it again, and Myra thanked him, reminding him that it was for his own good, before she finally asked him:

“So, you said you were close to figuring it out. Can I hear your attempt, dear?”

Eddie gulped, but he let out a soft “uh-uh” to signify his agreement. After another deep breath, he managed to get it out, the small part he started to figure out how to say:

“Rrriiii!”

And then he stopped. Because his vocal cords couldn’t figure out the rest. Because that’s all he could say at the moment. Eddie tugged nervously on a loose strand of hair, waiting for Myra’s judgment.

“Oh, dear. I… I guess it’s better than what it used to be. It’s the second part you’re definitely struggling with, right?”

Eddie answered with a hardly articulated “Yes”, earning praise from Myra that got him to coo happily. It always felt so good when Myra was proud of him… It meant that he was getting closer and closer to his objective, that the people he cared about would love him, no matter what.

“We’re going to focus on the “Ch” sound. You have to know how to place your tongue in your mouth and when to block and release the air to manage to say it.”

Eddie didn’t think it would be so hard to learn all of those words. It seemed so natural before… He never had to wonder how to say his words, how to pronounce them. It just came to him, so easily. But now? Now, he had to focus on every single part of the word, his tongue’s motion, his lips, his breathing, everything. And it was utterly exhausting.

“You have to put the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth. Where it’s slightly bumpy. Then keep it there tight and release the air you were holding on. Come on, give it a try.”

Eddie wasn’t sure he understood it all. Where should he put his tongue? If he was too sensitive sometimes, he could also have trouble figuring out what he was touching, and it was exactly what was happening at this moment. The closest thing he managed to produce was an “Ssss” sound, and it wasn’t what he was trying to achieve!

“No, Eddie, your tongue is probably not in the right place. Try to put it more in the back of your mouth. You have to keep it away from your teeth. The bumpy ridge, right before it’s starting to go down to your throat.”

But Eddie couldn’t figure it out. The sounds coming out of his mouth weren’t even close to a “CH”, and his frustration was rising and rising again. Tears were welling up in his eyes when he finally managed to get the right spot, the place that allowed him to get the sound out when he was releasing his breath:

“Chhhh!”

Eddie’s eyes widened. He did it! He couldn’t believe it! He did it! He got this sound out! Immediately, he attempted to put the two syllables together and, after a few tries, he managed to get something closer to Richie than he ever did:

“Rrrriichhhiiiiie!”

It sounded weird, like the kind of sounds that Gnocchi could sometimes produce when she was playing, or something scared her, but he did it! Eddie did it! The tears that were falling down his cheeks weren’t made of sadness, as of now. No, Eddie was relieved. He was so utterly relieved. If he kept on working really hard, he could figure it out. He could make sure that the people he cared about would love him forever!

“Again, Eddie.”

Myra was relentless, but Eddie didn’t mind. Not when he was actually progressing, not when he could tell that his work and her teaching was paying off. Richie would be so happy. He giggled at the thought, but Myra’s stern tone was quick to make him focus back on his training.

Eddie was so invested in her lesson that he didn’t notice that the flat wasn’t empty anymore. That someone came home and, hearing weird sounds coming from the bathroom, opened the door, stumbling upon this scene:

“Eddie, what’s going on?”

Startled, Eddie dropped his phone, the object clattering on the tiled floor. He stood up immediately, his heart beating too fast, feeling that he was caught doing something bad, something really bad. Mike, Beverly, and Ben were there, looking at him with utterly shocked gazes, as if they couldn’t believe what they just heard and saw. Mike was the first to put the pieces together, helped by all the little things he observed, without Eddie noticing:

“Eddie, you… you’re learning how to talk?”

Eddie let out a terrified whine. No, no, no, they weren’t supposed to learn what happened! Not before he was ready! He still had to learn so much stuff, so many words, and he still wasn’t pronouncing Richie’s name perfectly! Mike took a step towards him, but Eddie squeaked, scared out of his mind, backing off until his back met the wall. Soon enough, he couldn’t stand on his legs anymore, and he curled up on the floor, grabbing his hair and yanking furiously on it.

Beverly put her hand on Mike’s shoulder, telling him to step back and adding towards Ben as well to let her and Eddie alone. Mike protested, but Beverly was inflexible, and he relented, dragging a worried Ben with him. Carefully, Beverly got closer to Eddie, keeping a safe distance between them, before she knelt on the floor, hanging up the phone and calling Eddie’s name softly and patiently. After a little while, he finally raised his gaze towards her, seeing her gentle smile.

“Eddie, that’s what you hesitated to tell me, right? Yesterday, when we spent the afternoon together...”

Eddie bit his bottom lip harshly, hesitating before nodding at her words. He couldn’t lie to her. She would figure it out. And he didn’t want to lie to her anyway. Bev was his friend. She deserved better from him.

“You look tired. And what I heard… It seemed very hard. It must take a lot out of you.”

Eddie nodded once again. He reached for his lightwriter, sniffling and typing slowly:

“ _I can’t focus on anything else when I’m talking. I have to work hard on every word that comes out, or they just won’t. But it’s worth it. I know it is.”_

Beverly listened to him, keeping a straight face, which made it impossible for Eddie to guess what she was thinking about. She finally sighed, stretching her smile a little bit:

“You were saying “Richie”, right?”

Eddie’s face lit up at her words. She recognized it! It was understandable! He nodded enthusiastically, letting go of his hair and flapping his hands happily. If she recognized it, then Richie would! That’s precisely what Eddie wanted to achieve!

“ _Yes, yes, that’s Richie! I’m working really hard on his name, because I love him and I want him to love me forever. And he’ll love me if he knows that I’m doing everything I can to deserve it! He’ll love me forever!”_

Eddie was so caught up in his enthusiasm that he didn’t notice the way Beverly’s expression shifted, her nose frowning, her eyebrows furrowing, while she kept her fists tightly closed. She quickly composed for herself a kinder face, before she held her hand out to him, smiling lovingly:

“Listen, bud, I have a deal for you. I won’t say anything about what happened, and Mike and Ben will stay quiet too. In exchange, I think you should enunciate Richie’s name to him as soon as you’re home.”

Eddie glanced at Beverly’s hand, then her soft smile. He typed on his lightwriter, looking suddenly unsure:

“ _You think he’ll appreciate it? It’s not perfect yet, I still have to work on it a lot.”_

“I think you should do it, Eddie. And I promise I won’t tell a thing until then. Deal?”

Eddie pondered on this idea for a little while. Maybe Beverly was right. He shouldn’t wait for too long, Richie might think that he wasn’t improving at all and get tired of him at some point. If Eddie showed him that he was getting there, that his work was paying off, then he would be happy, right? He would realize how much Eddie valued their relationship and what he was willing to do for Richie to keep on loving him.

She was right. She was definitely right. Eddie grinned enthusiastically, shaking Beverly’s hand energetically:

“ _Deal.”_

Beverly’s smile went wider, and she helped him up, ruffling his hair softly, cupping his cheeks and kissing his forehead tenderly:

“Alright, bud. Time to clean up all of those tears, while I’m making sure that Ben and Mike will keep the secret too. You’re the one who should tell Richie, after all.”

Eddie nodded vigorously, Beverly winking at him before she left the bathroom. He washed his face once again, combing his messy hair and making sure that all of his distress couldn’t be noticed by anyone else. He was so relieved that Beverly didn’t try to convince him to do otherwise, to stop his training or whatnot! And of course, she knew exactly what he should do, she always did!

When Richie will hear his name, he’ll know exactly why Eddie was doing that, why he was putting all of those efforts into that, and he’ll be so happy. Richie wouldn’t leave him, unlike Tate’s parents. Eddie wouldn’t be left alone. Never again. Eddie chuckled joyfully, leaving the bathroom and stumbling upon Bev, Ben, and Mike arguing in the kitchen. They quickly fell silent when they noticed him, and Eddie let out a worried whine, his anxiety coming back quickly, not having been able to hear what they were talking about.

Mike immediately attempted to reassure him, a gentle smile on his lips:

“Don’t worry, Eddie. I wasn’t sure about Beverly’s decision, but I’m trusting her on this. I won’t tell a thing.”

Ben added that he would also keep the secret, massaging his neck nervously. Eddie nodded slowly, a bit unsure. Would they really? Mike didn’t seem convinced, contrary to what he previously said, and Ben… Well, Ben was a terrible liar too. Slightly better than Eddie, but still. Would he be able to remain silent on this topic? Eddie really wanted to be the one to tell it all to Richie. And he didn’t want to steal the spotlight today and hog Richie when they were still with their friends.

He was pretty sure that Richie would only care about him if he showed him that he could talk, and he didn’t want that to happen. Not yet. While Mike, Ben, and Beverly started to unload their grocery bags, the entrance door opened, revealing Bill and Audra coming back with a few champagne bottles. Definitely not the strong stuff they had during Richie’s birthday. Probably to make sure none of them would unwillingly ruin the party by saying or doing something that they might regret.

Helping everyone to set up the food and the drinks, Eddie soon forgot about his anxiety and was quick to laugh with his friends, enjoying the time he still had left with them all. God, he was so lucky to be a part of their life… And Richie would be the first to truly realize how much his love meant for him. Sooner or later, he’ll show that to everyone else as well. Mike, Beverly, Ben, Stan, Bill, Went, Maggie, Patty, Audra, Liz, even Greta… They’ll know how much they meant to him, because he’ll work really, really hard to keep them close. And he’ll earn their love. For real.

Everything was almost ready when Richie finally came home, his hands gripping on plastic bags filled to the brim with videotapes and various pieces of decoration. Eddie ran to him, hugging his boyfriend tightly and humming happily. Richie set his bags aside, hugging him back, ruffling his hair while Eddie was nuzzling his face against his partner’s chest:

“Well, I’m really happy to see you too, Eds. Did you have a good morning?”

Eddie nodded happily, proceeding to tell him that they were ready to leave tomorrow, thanks to his work, and that he helped out everyone for their festive meal. Richie listened to him attentively, a loving smile on his lips, and he then kissed his scarred cheek, whispering to him:

“I’m glad you had a good time. I missed you, bun-bun.”

Eddie rolled his eyes at the ridiculous nickname, groaning loudly, and Richie chuckled, pinching his cheek gently:

“Come on, it’s a cute name for a cute Eddie! Cute, cute, cute!”

“ _Stop it!”_

But Eddie didn’t swat his hand away, as he usually tended to do. Richie let him go quickly, going back to caressing his hair, so softly, so tenderly that Eddie melted on the spot. While he was literally purring, humming joyfully at Richie’s touch, Mike joined them, glancing at the bags:

“Richie, did you really need to rent so many movies?”

“What? They’re all great! We’re gonna such a good scare from them!”

Mike sighed, putting his hand over his face:

“Richie, don’t tell me that you only rented horror movies...”

“Of course I did! They’re the best, I’m sure Audra will agree with me, right, Audra?”

Audra gave him the thumbs up from afar, and Mike shook his head disapprovingly.

“Fine. But if there’s any creepy clown, don’t count on me to vote to turn off the movie.”

Richie gasped at his words, while Eddie chuckled, remembering their sleepover years ago. Poor Richie had been so scared, watching Poltergeist, and he didn’t want to admit it, no matter how much it terrified him. Eddie had to pretend to be scared as well to get him to stop the movie altogether…

“You’re so cruel, Mike. I can’t believe it. You broke my heart, Mikey Mike.”

“Yeah, yeah, right. Stop complaining and help us a little, would you?”

“Yessir!”

Richie kissed Eddie on the top of his head, before they finally ended their hug, joining everyone else. The day they spent together was one of the best Eddie ever had. It was simple, but it was everything he needed. They shared a good meal, talked about so many things, laughed at Richie’s jokes. Eddie never felt left out or ignored. They always included him, always listened to him, never interrupted him.

And it was so good. After this long meal, they settled for the movie “Scream”, that Eddie had never watched until then. He snuggled against Richie, glancing at his friends here and there. He chuckled when he noticed that Ben was clearly keeping Beverly close in an attempt to protect himself whenever the killer was on screen, and Beverly was more than happy to be his knight, a knowing smile on her face.

When she noticed Eddie looking at them, she put her index finger on her lips and winked at him, before going back to the movie. She didn’t lie. She really kept her promise and didn’t tell everyone else about what she witnessed. Eddie would be the one to do so, first thing when they’ll be home. Beverly held up her end of the bargain, and Eddie would do the same. Because he wouldn’t betray a promise that he made, especially to a friend.

When the movie was over, Richie stretched his gangly limbs, before ensuring that Eddie had a good time:

“So, did you enjoy it?”

Eddie nodded enthusiastically, pulling out his lightwriter:

“ _Yeah, I did! It was fun and scary at the same time.”_

A cheeky grin on his face, he added, knowing that it would get Richie to react:

“ _And Billy Loomis was really sexy, covered with corn syrup.”_

Eddie knew Richie very well. He immediately gasped, getting up and asking Audra and Bill:

“Do you have corn syrup around? I have to show Eddie that I’m sexier than this wannabe killer with his stupid haircut!”

Audra openly laughed at his reaction, while Bill answered straightforwardly, knowing that Richie was definitely capable of covering himself in syrup, if he got his hands on it:

“No, we don’t. Now, sit buh-back on the couch and shush. We’re gonna rai-ai-aise a toast.”

Bill poured their glasses with champagne, raising his own and claiming:

“To all of you. To Stan and Puh-Patty, who couldn’t make it. I love you all, guys.”

“We love you too, Bill!” Beverly cheered, smiling widely. “Even if you were an ass last time.”

Bill grimaced, but he accepted the remark gracefully. Beverly wasn’t wrong, after all…

“Yeah, you’re right. And I’m sorry. You didn’t de… dese… de… I shouldn’t have done that. I wasn’t a guh-good friend. And Audra...”

He raised her glass for her, looking at her, while she was looking back at him expectantly, waiting for his next words:

“I’m sorry. I wish I c-could have been a better boyfuh-friend.”

“You have been. For a period of time. Not everything has to be thrown out the window, Bill.”

And that was it. They said it, plainly and simply. Bill and Audra were officially not an item anymore. Eddie glanced at Mike, who seemed strangely focused on his drink, as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. Eddie concurred that he probably didn’t quite know how to react…

“And the last toast for a new beguh… beginning. If you guys want me around.”

Eddie and Richie looked at each other, clearly confused, before they focused back on Bill:

“What?”

Bill smiled a bit shyly at them, admitting with a soft tone:

“Mike offered me to come with you. And… And I think it’s for the buh-best. Audra will be able to move on, and I… I’ll figure out who I want to be. What I want to do. If that’s okay with you.”

None of them hesitated for a second. Even if, for Eddie, it definitely implied a big change. But he was going to adjust to it. Bill was his friend. He deserved that from him.

“ _I’m fine with that. More than fine. Richie?”_

“How can I say no to Big Bill? Welcome to our flat, Bill! I hope you’re not allergic to cat fur.”

“I… I don’t think so.”

Audra raised her glass, a loud “Cheers!” coming out of her lips. They took a few sips out of their drinks, and she was the first to talk, asking in a not-so jokingly way:

“I hope you’re not gonna give up on me, now that I’m not Bill’s girlfriend anymore.”

Eddie could see that she definitely feared this. And Beverly and Richie were quick to reassure her, the first comforting her with sincere and firm words, while Eddie’s boyfriend was teasing her, as usual:

“Of course not! You’re already starring in movies, and I’m barely about to perform in a crappy pub, I need you to be my Sugar Mommy!”

“Beep Beep, Richie!”

They all said it together, while Eddie was rolling his eyes fondly. If only Stan and Patty were there, it would be perfect… But later. Later, they would all be together. As they were meant to be. And Eddie knew that it would eventually happen, because he was going to keep on working really hard to deserve his friends’ love. And they’ll love him forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for this chapter! God, finally, the secret is out!
> 
> It wasn't supposed to happen so early or like that, but I feel like it was appropriate in the end. Beverly was the one to know how to react and how to handle it all, so that he wouldn't feel cornered. Eddie's still sure that Richie will be happy to hear him talk and, as much as it pains Beverly to let him believe that, she knows that she doesn't have a choice. That's the only way he'll finally talk to Richie about what happens and how things will be solved.
> 
> Myra is always so intense to write, I wanted her to get closer to her canon portrayal, as well as Sonia. Her influence on Eddie grew so much that he doesn't even realize how she's treating him, he's just accepting it passively, thinking that it's worth it and that it'll help him. Poor Eddie.
> 
> And Bill is joining them all back at home! Well, he's not immediately going to come home immediately, he needs to sort a few things out before, but it's going to happen c:. I think it's going to help him a lot, and Mike will definitely appreciate it c:.
> 
> Thank you for your support! Don't hesitate to comment if you feel like it, I'd love to hear what you thought about what happened with Myra and Bev's choice, among other things. You can also subscribe to this story and/or series if you want to, as well as leave a kudos!
> 
> Have a nice day, everyone! Take care and see you soon c:.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Welcome to the 39th chapter of this fanfic! And with this chapter, the series is now standing at more than 600k words... damn xD. I never thought I would write so much for this AU. It's all thanks to you c:. Thank you so much for your support! It means a lot to me.
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of internalized homophobia  
> TW for mention of homophobia  
> TW for internalized ableism
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Richie couldn’t stop thinking about the text that Beverly sent him. He received it early in the morning, an hour before they were supposed to wake up. Eddie was deep asleep, so Richie had been able to check his phone without him noticing. As soon as he read the words, Richie’s fingers immediately caressed his boyfriend’s hair, in a gesture full of affection and love. Eddie barely stirred, his head resting on Richie’s chest, unable to feel the rise of his heartbeat.

_Richie, Eddie’s going to talk to you when you’re home. He promised me. Mike knows what’s up too, but don’t grill him up, Eddie has to be the one to tell you. I need you to stay very calm and not make empty promises to him when he’ll do so. Don’t make it all about yourself and, really, try to remain calm. It’s very important. Schedule an appointment with his therapist soon, if you can. If he doesn’t talk to you, then call me, and I’ll see if I can help._

Richie had the feeling he waited a lifetime for Eddie to open up to him. It had been so torturous, watching his boyfriend sinking into depression and coming back to his old unhealthy habits, without knowing what to do. He just wanted to help, to be there… And now, he would know, right? Eddie would tell him. If he promised Beverly, Richie knew he would do it. Eddie didn’t break promises.

For the next hour, he wondered what it was all about. Richie felt that he was _this_ close to figuring it all out. He definitely suspected that it had something to do with Myra, even though the way she acted confused him quite a lot. The fact that she admitted outrightly that Eddie intended to see her the next day, when he didn’t even tell Richie about that… Weird, right?

And then, there was the matter of Eddie’s stimming… Not once did Richie see him reaching for his stuffed bear when he was anxious, when it was usually his first reflex. And he didn’t suck on his fingers either, except when he was so tired that, Richie guessed, he couldn’t even afford to be self-conscious about it. What was up with all of that? Did Myra actually tell him that it was a bad thing to do? But he didn’t remember her stopping her brother from stimming… Then again, he only saw her once.

Or maybe he did or said something that led Eddie to believe that he should stop stimming. He thought about it, for a while, but he couldn’t figure it out. If anything, Richie always made sure to remember Eddie that he could stim whenever he wanted, as long as he wasn’t hurting himself. And even then, Richie tried as much as he could to be gentle about it, so that Eddie wouldn’t get the wrong impression.

He didn’t find sleep in the next hour, grunting when the clock alarm rang, silencing it quickly to allow Eddie to properly wake up in a calmer environment. God, what was he hiding? What was torturing him for so long? Richie needed to be patient, and he knew it, but… but fuck, Eddie… Eddie wasn’t well, and he didn’t know what to do to help. He could only wait, trusting his boyfriend to finally tell him the truth.

Richie hadn’t been able to hide that he was upset, but he managed to get Eddie to believe that it was about leaving the Losers behind once again. Which wasn’t totally wrong, but still. Eddie’s secret was definitely the first thing in his mind right now. Richie was itching to know, to help him, to support him, to do whatever he had to do, so that his partner would be happy again.

With all of that, he almost forgot that Bill would be their new roommate. He needed to sort out a few things, but in less than a week, Bill would be with them, sharing their life. Maybe it was what they needed. A bit of change. Someone else Eddie could rely on. Bill hadn’t been the best of friends recently, but Richie believed that it was just a fluke and that their Big Bill would be back soon, more reliable than ever.

Perhaps it was silly of him, but Richie still kinda thought of Bill as their leader, and he looked up to him, trusting his words and decisions. It relieved him, knowing that he would be there with them, in what would be a very tough time. Richie wasn’t naive enough to think that Eddie talking to him would solve everything. It was just a start, much needed, but only a beginning to his healing process. And Richie would be there at every step.

This time, Eddie wasn’t as upset as he usually was when he was leaving the Losers behind. He probably realized that they could see each other whenever they wanted and that he was definitely able to board a plane to visit them. Richie noticed that he was still nervous about flying, though, and, while Bill and Audra drove them to the airport, he grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, whispering to his ear:

“Just like last time. You know what to expect. It’s not gonna last long. Then we’ll be home.”

Richie kissed him on the temple, hoping that it would help him to relax a little. He hugged him for the whole drive, caressing his hair in this way that always made Eddie melt, no matter what. Richie loved to feel his partner becoming putty between his fingers, humming softly at his gentle touch. If only it could last forever… But soon, the drive ended, and the Losers had to say goodbye to each other.

Richie hugged Beverly, tightly, oh so tightly. Whatever she did, if it allowed Eddie to finally confess, Richie wouldn’t be able to repay her enough for that. He thanked her silently, and she shook her head, whispering to his ear:

“Not yet. The rest is in between your hands.”

Maybe he should feel pressured, but Richie knew that she was right. The connection that he built with Eddie was unique. Even if they managed to branch out and enjoy and appreciate other people separately, they still relied on each other a lot. And Richie was the only person that could help Eddie in the long term, no matter what it was all about. He needed him. They needed each other, so much.

The fly was uneventful, even though Eddie insisted on keeping their seatbelts on, getting irrationally scared at the thought that they might do otherwise. Richie would have liked to move a little, not coping well with the idea of remaining still in his seat when he knew he could take a short walk, but for Eddie’s sake, he didn’t leave his seat, shaking his legs instead to release some of his pent-up energy.

His thoughts were quite scattered, wandering between Eddie and his friends. He wondered if Eddie talked to Beverly or Mike, but it didn’t seem likely. Whatever it was all about, his partner was adamant about keeping it for himself. Perhaps they witnessed him, and he hadn’t been able to hide it? Richie couldn’t picture it clearly in his head, given that he didn’t even know what it was all about.

He suddenly felt fingers caressing his cheek, and Richie jumped on his seat, a bit startled. He glanced at Eddie, who smiled kindly at him, typing on his lightwriter:

_We’ll see them all again. And Patty and Stan will be there too this time._

Oh, Eddie… He still believed that Richie was upset about their leave. He managed to smile back at his boyfriend, even though he was clearly struggling, brushing Eddie’s scar softly:

“I know, Eds. I… I’ll be fine soon, okay? I just need some time.”

Eddie nodded, before resting his head on Richie’s shoulder, hugging his arm firmly, trying to provide him with comfort. Richie felt his heart burst, thinking about his boyfriend’s caring behavior. He was trying so hard to chase his bad thoughts away… But he had no idea that it was about _him._ That Richie was worried and dying to know what was happening. Nevertheless, Richie accepted the support that Eddie offered him, focusing on the feeling of his partner’s fingers gripping his clothes, the total trust they had for each other.

Not so long ago, Richie would have been unable to let Eddie be this affectionate in public… But he didn’t care about it so much anymore. If he did, they would be the ones to suffer. And for what? For a few people who thought that their relationship was something to be frowned upon? Fuck them. Fuck them all. Richie’s self-doubt hurt him enough, he wasn’t going to let it direct him for the rest of his life.

Eddie’s hug allowed him to be a little more relaxed for the rest of the fly, even though he was still stressed out about his boyfriend’s secret. Soon, he’ll tell him soon, Richie had to be patient… Beverly was right, if he rushed it or if he pressured Eddie in any way, it could go wrong very quickly. Whatever it was about, Richie needed to remain calm. And wait.

After their flight, Mike, Eddie, and Richie went to his parents’ house to grab Gnocchi and her stuff back. Went and Maggie seemed heartbroken, having grown attached to the kitty really quickly, but Richie promised them that they could come soon to their flat to see her, and they wholeheartedly agreed.

Eddie was probably the happiest to see her. He immediately took her in his arms and nuzzled his face against her fur, chuckling when she started to purr. Richie almost cooed when he watched them both, thinking about how cute his boyfriend was. Adopting Gnocchi was probably the best decision they ever made. Eddie really loved her, and she reassured him when nothing else could.

Now that Gnocchi was back with them, they still had to go home. The drive wasn’t too long, but they were all tired, after this long trip. Richie was dying to get some rest, even though he was pretty sure that Eddie would insist that they should empty their suitcases first. They weren’t going to relax immediately, Richie knew it…

And sure enough, Eddie did exactly what Richie expected from him. Of course, it would mean that they wouldn’t have to do it later, but Richie was pretty comfortable with the idea of leaving it all to his future self, even if Tomorrow-Richie would probably be pissed off by Past-Richie’s laziness. Still, he was content to follow Eddie’s instructions, keeping himself busy enough not to think about his boyfriend’s impending secret. Would he tell him? When? How?

They were all sitting on the couch, resting from their day, and drinking hot chocolate, when it finally happened. Richie didn’t know what to expect, to be honest. Something about Myra, very probably. Maybe about his stimming. Perhaps it was related to Tate, in some way. Or it might have been something that Richie did… But, in all of his thinking, Richie never guessed what Eddie would have to say:

“Rrrriichhhiiiiie.”

Richie almost dropped his mug when he heard his name, uttered by Eddie. His mouth went slack and, while Mike was putting his drink aside, he looked at his boyfriend, as if he couldn’t believe what just happened. He… He misheard it, right? Eddie… Eddie didn’t just…

But Eddie was smiling at him, this big, proud smile that said it all, and he repeated his name. This time, Richie could see clearly how much Eddie was struggling, focusing hard to get the sounds out, so much that it almost looked like he was hurting himself in the process. 

“Rrrriichhhiiiiie!”

Richie couldn’t make sense of his thoughts or his feelings at the moment. Despite hearing his partner clearly, his mind was still trying to convince him that it didn’t happen. But it did, and… it made sense. It painfully made sense. All this time, Eddie… Eddie learned how to speak. Very probably from Myra. Was she the one who put this idea in his head? Was that why he was so upset and exhausted, all the time? He… He… Fuck…

Mike nudged him slightly, and Richie stopped zoning out, realizing that he needed to react. To say something. Eddie was waiting, and the longer he remained silent, the more anxious he seemed to get. Richie took a deep breath, trying to drill Beverly’s words in his head. It wasn’t about himself. It was about Eddie, and he needed to stay calm. No empty promises.

He opened his arms, saying very softly:

“Eddie, do you want to come here?”

Eddie nodded and sat on Richie’s knees, hugging him, looking at him with his big, brown eyes. God, they were full of hope, Eddie must have thought that hearing him say his name would make him the happiest man in the world. But it didn’t. Richie… Richie felt incredibly sad. And he didn’t know what to do. But he had to find a way to communicate with Eddie. Make him feel that he was loved and that he didn’t have to… to talk or anything for that to be true.

Richie hugged him tightly, caressing Eddie’s hair gently, kissing his forehead softly. He knew he had to choose his words very carefully, and, being the Trashmouth that he was, it wasn’t his forte. But he had to try. For Eddie’s sake. Before he had been able to do so, Eddie grabbed his lightwriter, typing quickly on it:

“ _You recognized your name, right? I worked really hard on it! Really, really hard! But it’s okay, because it’s for you!”_

Eddie grinned, widely, and Richie felt awful, because he knew that his boyfriend wouldn’t smile like that after what he had to say. But he couldn’t just congratulate him and move on. He needed to get his message across, so that Eddie would stop torturing himself endlessly.

“I… I recognized it, Eddie. I did. And… And I can see you worked hard on it. It… It even looks like it hurts, am I wrong?”

Eddie shook his head, still grinning:

“ _No, you’re right! But it’s for you, so it’s fine!”_

“Eddie… Can you listen to me, please?”

Eddie tilted his head to the side, slightly confused, but he nodded, letting go of his lightwriter, the object gently hitting his chest. Richie cupped Eddie’s cheeks tenderly, looking at him with a gaze full of love and tenderness:

“You’re learning how to talk for me, right? That’s what you didn’t want to tell me all this time, I guess.”

Eddie nodded once again, quietly, and Richie held back a sigh, not wanting his boyfriend to get the wrong impression. God, he really did all of that for him… Richie felt terrible. If he discovered it earlier, it wouldn’t have gone so far… Eddie wouldn’t be so upset, so shell-shocked.

Richie glanced quickly at Mike, who seemed at a loss as well with the whole situation. He seemed willing to intervene, but hesitated to do so, probably afraid to put off Eddie in any way. Richie couldn’t blame him. He really didn’t know what he was doing at the moment… He was just going with the flow, hoping to do the best for his partner.

“I told you about the first time I fell in love with you, right? You were in the schoolyard, sitting on a bench, reading some book. I tried to get your attention, but you didn’t notice me. I tried so many times, but you were so engulfed in your reading that you couldn’t hear me.”

Richie chuckled at the thought, caressing Eddie’s scar with his thumb. God, it seemed so far away, now that he thought about it… They were still kids at the time. And now, they were adults. Adults dealing with far more issues than they should…

“And then we were in the same classroom, and I finally met you properly, for the first time. I always knew how much I loved you, and getting to know you only made that clearer every day. When… When your mother took you away, I literally thought that I was dying. I couldn’t understand why the world kept on spinning, when… when you weren’t there...”

Mike saw all of that and even more. All those years, he had been his inflexible support, the one who always stayed by his side, no matter what. And he was still here, next to them, waiting to intervene, waiting to help, staying even if he didn’t know what to do, what to say. He had always been there…

“When you came back into our lives, I was so happy. Having you here, by my side, it was more than I could ever hope for. I… I was okay with my feelings remaining hidden, with being your friend forever, because as long as I could be with you, nothing else mattered. But you kissed me, and you changed everything.”

Richie brushed his forehead with his lips, while Eddie was looking at him, stunned, visibly unsure how he was supposed to react. He probably didn’t expect Richie to launch himself into a speech, hearing him talk audibly, but… but he had things to say, and he needed them out. He hoped it would be for the best. God, why wasn’t he as good as some of his friends when it came to all of that? He was literally sweating, terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing at any point.

“I always loved you, Eddie. And it started long ago, when you weren’t even talking to me.”

At his words, Eddie grabbed his lightwriter quickly, typing frantically on it:

“ _Maybe you love me now, but later? If I don’t talk, if I don’t show you that I’m working really hard, you’re going to stop loving me, and I’m gonna be all alone!”_

If Richie didn’t know better, he would have immediately tried to tell him otherwise. That he would love him forever, no matter what, that Eddie would never be alone again, that he wouldn’t have to go through what he endured anymore. But Beverly had been clear: no empty promises. And Richie got it, he truly did. How could he convince Eddie that he would always be there, when so much could happen? He could die, for a start. That wasn’t something he could predict, far from it. And he was pretty sure that Eddie had tons of other scenarios in his anxious mind that he could pull out every time he started to feel reassured about Richie staying with him…

No empty promises. But Richie would answer to him, truthfully, honestly. Kissing him shortly on the lips, he whispered tenderly, trying to smile, but failing to do so properly:

“I’m here now. I’m here with you. I love you, Eds. I love every minute I got to spend with you. I love to admire you getting so passionate whenever we’re watching a movie together. I love it whenever you flap your hands, because you’re really happy about something. I love when you’re so trusting that you start to suck on my fingers whenever you’re falling asleep… I love all of those little things that are so “Eddie” and that I couldn’t find in anyone else.”

Eddie was his whole life, and Richie wanted to spend the rest of his days with him, no matter what. He kept hoping that he could marry him one day, but until then, they could find another way to “officialize” it… Richie would have to think about it. Eddie would appreciate his commitment, he was sure of that. And Richie would as well.

“And you’re laughing at my most stupid jokes. You’re believing in me when no one else is. Even when you’re tired or upset, you’re always trying to be there for me. All this time you were away from me, you wrote me a letter every day. Every single day, for five years. If only I could get those letters, I would keep them preciously, in a place where nothing could damage them. Because they contain your words. What you wanted to say to me for all these years. And you never needed a voice to do so.”

Before Eddie could protest, Richie interrupted him, letting go of his embrace to sign very carefully, his face expressing all the affection he ever had for Eddie:

“ _I… love… you…_ ”

And Eddie stopped, his fingers hovering over his lightwriter’s keyboard. It was like he suddenly remembered that they had a whole language that only belonged to them. A language that never necessitated him to talk audibly. A language that Richie had been willing to learn with him, from the start, because he wanted nothing more than to be a part of Eddie’s world. No matter what. 

Eddie never needed to talk to be loved. He didn’t have to hurt himself to earn their affection. He… He didn’t have to… At this moment, Richie saw the tears in Eddie’s eyes, and he hugged him tenderly, allowing him to hide his face against his chest. He shushed him softly, massaging his back, while Eddie was letting out everything that he kept inside him all this time. This call for help that he never realized that he was sending all along…

Mike joined them in their hug, and Richie felt safe, in his friend’s arms. God, he felt so vulnerable, so terrified, trying to find out how to talk to Eddie, how to make sure that he wouldn’t step away, that he wouldn’t get upset… Yes, he was crying, but Eddie needed it. And Richie was there to comfort him, as he always tried to be. And Mike was there too.

“We love you, Eddie.” Mike patted his head gently, his hand shaking slightly. “You’re a Loser, just like the rest of us. Without you, it wouldn’t be the same. It hadn’t been the same, all the time you weren’t here.”

Eddie let out a heart-wrenching sob, and Richie kissed the top of his head, still massaging his back, hoping that he would manage to help him relax, even if it was just slightly.

“Now, even if we’re far away from each other, it doesn’t feel like it. We… We just know we’re there for each other, whenever needed, or just because we feel like it. It’s… It just feels natural. We’re family. Your family, Eddie.”

For so long, Eddie didn’t really know what it was like, a family. He thought that the things he saw in the movies were fake, romanced, that it couldn’t possibly exist: people who would love him unconditionally. Then he met Richie, Mike, all of the Losers, and the Toziers, and it slowly became clear that it was real. That he had people who loved him like in the movies. A family, as Mike said.

Richie knew that they would have to talk more, but right now, he just wanted to make sure that Eddie was letting it all out, that he was actually relieving himself from the weight he had been carrying for too long. A sudden sound, something between a chuckle and a sob, came from Eddie, when Gnocchi climbed on the couch and proceeded to headbutt one of his legs, comforting in the only way a cat would.

“See? She’s family too. I’m pretty sure she loves you more than all of us, Eds. I’m freaking jealous, actually!”

Richie managed to get a laugh out of Eddie, and he felt more reassured than he had been during this whole conversation. If he could make him laugh, then they were definitely on the right path… Gently, Richie guided Eddie into a more comfortable position, his boyfriend’s head resting on his knees, curled up as he often was. He wiped his wet cheeks tenderly, letting him know with a soft voice:

“You can get some rest if you’re feeling tired, Eds. I think Mike and I are gonna put some random movie on TV, and we’re going to doze off while watching it. It has been a long day, flying back home and all, I say we earned it. Right, Mike?”

“Definitely. And no horror movie this time. I actually want to sleep without having nightmares, thank you very much.”

Richie pouted at his words, attempting to protest jokingly, but Mike shut him down quickly, suggesting to watch the movie Poltergeist and the clown that “Richie loved so much”, he said. Low blow, Mike! Such a low blow!

In the end, Richie didn’t even remember what they put on. He closed his eyes at some point, but couldn’t doze off properly, even with Eddie’s snoring lulling him close to sleep. He kept thinking about his boyfriend’s tears, the sound of his voice, attempting to get his name right… God, he hoped he would never have to hear that again. It hurt him more than every hit he ever endured from Bowers and his gang.

Worse than that, Eddie was actually convinced that it would make him happy. And he was only doing it for Richie’s sake, as if he ever wanted that from him. Before all of that, Eddie had never been really interested in talking audibly. He tried to communicate, yes, but since he got his lightwriter, it seemed to do the trick for him. Until Myra came into his life… Until she most likely attempted to ruin everything they worked towards…

Richie was suddenly distracted from his somber thoughts by a wet feeling on his fingers. They were close enough to his mouth for Eddie to start sucking on them, while he was still asleep. Richie chuckled at the feeling, caressing Eddie’s hair:

“You see? I love it.”

He glanced at Mike, who was looking at them both, very much not asleep. Ensuring that Eddie was still out of it, Mike apologized, keeping his voice low:

“I’m sorry, I should have helped more. I… I didn’t know what to say.”

“Me neither. I just… I just tried, I guess. Maybe I could have done something better or...”

Mike put his index finger on Richie’s lips, shutting him up instantly.

“No. It’s done, Eddie’s secret is out, he’s asleep, he didn’t try to hurt himself or to run away, so I say it’s a win. Stop second-guessing yourself, Richie. You did your best. It’s more than enough.”

Richie sighed. He should believe Mike, he knew that, but… but he was still convinced that he hadn’t been the reliable boyfriend he should have been for Eddie. If he managed to guess it all earlier… If he had been more observant, less focused on his own feelings, maybe… perhaps… 

Richie couldn’t change what happened. But he could start to think about what they would do next. Raising up his glasses, wiping his wet eyes, he suggested with an unsure voice: 

“I think… I think we need to have another talk with Eddie. And then we should see Myra. I… Can I count on you, Mike? If I go there alone, I… I don’t know what I would do, but I think it could be very, very bad. I’m… I’m so fucking angry!”

Mike put his hand on Richie’s shoulder, squeezing it to show his support and attempt to calm him down a little. 

“Of course, Richie. Of course.”

Mike would come. He would be there for them, as he always was. But first, Richie needed to make sure that Eddie was actually okay. That he still wasn’t convinced that he needed to do whatever it took to be loved by them. Especially not talking and hurting himself in the process. He didn’t have to. He never had to. Richie loved him. Oh, he loved him so much... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been so long since I wanted to write this chapter! I pictured it in many ways, but that's finally the one I chose. I hesitated to dramatize it more, but I think it would have been detrimental in the end. Richie had thought about it all for a while, wondering what Eddie was hiding, so even if he didn't figure it all out, he kinda knew what he wanted to say, to try to alleviate Eddie's self-doubt a little.
> 
> And Mike was there too, of course. Because he loves them so much and he just wants to be there for his friends, as much as he can c:. I love to write him in whatever scene he's in.
> 
> The cat is out of the bag, but Eddie definitely needs to talk more about all of it and he needs to see Dr. Park too. There's a lot to unpack now, it's only the beginning... But at least, Mike and Richie know what it's all about and they can help without feeling like they're acting blindly.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to leave a comment if you feel like it, I'd love to read what you thought about the way Richie handled it all, among other things c:. You can leave a kudos if you want to and/or subscribe to this story/series. 
> 
> Take care, you all c:. Have a nice day and see you soon!


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone, I hope you're doing okay! Welcome to the 40th chapter of this installment! We're getting closer and closer to the end, it's so weird to think about that... This year had been so much, but writing this story and getting to interact with you all really saved it in my eyes c:. Thank you so much. 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter. Here are the TW for this one:
> 
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of internalized homophobia  
> TW for sexual content
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

When Eddie woke up from his nap, he felt lighter than he had ever been in the past few weeks. He was tired, sure, and his mind was confused (and not because he was still emerging from his sleep), but he didn’t feel this lingering anxiety that had been his companion for too long now. His secret was out. Finally.

Things didn’t occur the way he thought they would. Eddie was so convinced that Richie would appreciate what he was trying to do for him, he never imagined for one second that he might not. That it might actually upset him. Because that was Richie’s first reaction, when Eddie said his name out loud: pure, unaltered shock. And he never showed that he actually enjoyed hearing Eddie talking again, on the contrary.

He couldn’t help, but feel stupid, thinking about all of this. Richie had been the first to tell him that he didn’t care if Eddie never used his voice to form words again. He even suggested alternatives from the get-go, adapting to Eddie’s abilities rather than trying to shape him into a mold he wasn’t made for.

Learning sign language with him, helping Eddie with his writing lessons, waiting patiently for him to write what he had to say, trying to find (with his parents’ help) a way for Eddie to be more at ease with communicating… Richie always showed him that it didn’t matter. And yet, Eddie convinced himself it did. That it was the only way for him to be sure that Richie would always love him.

As if his actions weren’t proof enough of that… For five years, he waited for him to come back, tried to find him, kept hoping that Eddie would be a part of his life again, despite the fact that he hadn’t heard from him at all since the last time they saw each other. And after that, Richie had been so kind, patient, caring… How could he have forgotten all of that? Eddie felt awful… Awful and cruel.

These thoughts crossed his mind while he was curled up, his head on Richie’s knees, his fingers between Eddie’s lips. Eddie figured that his boyfriend must be asleep, because he didn’t react at all when Eddie started to move. Richie probably needed the rest… But where was Mike? Gently, Eddie pulled Richie’s fingers from his mouth, sitting up and looking around, but he couldn’t see him anywhere…

Eddie was distracted for a second, noticing that Richie was still wearing his glasses and that they were crooked on his face, about to fall at any second. Pouting slightly, he gently put them aside, so that they wouldn’t break carelessly. While he was doing so, Mike came out of the bathroom, his hair still wet, smiling at the scene he witnessed:

“He finally fell asleep, uh?”

Mike sat next to them, slowly and carefully so that he wouldn’t disturb Richie’s nap. Now that he was starting to focus on something else than his own troubles and obsessions, Eddie could see that his boyfriend was visibly exhausted. His guilt came back, knowing that it was because of him. That Richie had been worried for so long and hadn’t known what to do… 

If Eddie just talked, instead of keeping it all hidden and convincing himself that it was necessary, none of that would have happened. Caressing Richie’s skin gently, Eddie let out a soft, worried whine, and Mike whispered with a reassuring smile:

“Richie’s gonna be okay, Eddie. Look, he’s sleeping like a baby. I’m pretty sure that he wouldn’t even wake up if we pinched his cheeks.” Mike chuckled, adding when he saw Eddie’s wary stare: “Not that I’d do that. It would be really weird...”

Eddie nodded, his gaze focusing back on Richie, holding his hand tenderly. He rested his head against his torso, listening to the beating of his heart, feeling the way his chest would raise at every breath he let in. Eddie hoped that he was having a nice dream…

“Are you okay, Eddie?”

Was he? Eddie couldn’t really tell. Sure, he felt lighter, but other than that? He was confused. Confused, lost, and, more than that, he actually felt guilty. He should have known better, after everything they went through… But he didn’t. He was so convinced that he was right that he even lied to Richie, something he’d never do willingly. But he did and… God, he was really awful.

Thoughtful, Eddie grabbed his lightwriter, typing slowly on the keyboard:

“ _I’m sorry, Mike. I’m sorry I have been so stubborn and stupid. You think Richie will forgive me? And you all?”_

Mike raised an eyebrow at his words, as if he didn’t expect him to say that at all. But Eddie was in the wrong, had been from the start, and now, he was supposed to apologize and wait to see if they accepted it, right? He had to…

“You’re not stupid, Eddie. And there’s nothing to forgive. We… I’m just glad it’s over. Now, we can move on and focus on what’s essential. Us, the future, being happy, however you’d like to word it.”

“ _But I should have known! I listened to Tate and Myra and…!”_

Eddie stopped typing, biting on his bottom lip. He didn’t intend to say it like that. And it wasn’t Tate’s fault. His parents really gave up on him, after all, because they decided that they couldn’t handle his autism. But he wasn’t guilty of anything. It was just… It was just a really sad situation. As for Myra… Eddie didn’t know what to think. Despite knowing that Richie never expected him to learn how to talk, he couldn’t find it in himself to bear any bad feelings towards her.

There was something deeply reassuring about her lessons, the way she treated him, how she talked to him, and Eddie didn’t know if he could truly give up on that. He was pretty sure now that he didn’t want to learn how to talk audibly anymore, but… but he didn’t know. It was all so weird, so confusing…

Mike looked at him with a soft gaze, not pressuring Eddie to tell him more. Instead, he merely answered, smiling gently:

“I think we should wait for Richie to wake up, before we start talking about all of that. We’re not in a rush, anyway, Eddie. What matters is that you start to feel better. We’ll work on the rest progressively, at your rhythm.”

Eddie nodded, unsure. What would Richie say if Eddie told him that he still wanted to see Tate and Myra, especially Tate, and spend time with them? Would it be possible? Would Myra let him do so, even if Eddie didn’t want to take part in her lessons anymore? Thinking that he might not see his friend anymore was truly upsetting for Eddie. Tate had been the first to get him in a way no else ever did, not even Richie. They got each other. It wasn’t his fault if… if everything was so complicated, so messed up…

Eddie was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts when he felt a weight on his knees. Gnocchi decided to bring her toy along with her, a fluffy mouse attached to the end of a stick. Visibly, it didn’t bother her to drag the stick in her mouth, everywhere she wanted to go… Eddie chuckled, while Mike suggested, caressing their cat lovingly:

“I think she’d like to play. We should probably move slightly away, or she might jump on Richie, and I don’t think he’d appreciate waking up in this fashion.”

Eddie nodded, carefully detaching himself from his boyfriend and leaving the couch, sitting on the floor and agitating the toy, his fingers closed firmly on the stick. Gnocchi seemed to have a lot of pent-up energy to let out, because she started to run everywhere, following the toy, jumping to catch it, often failing to do so.

Eddie couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the sight, his joy contagious and reaching Mike as well. They started to get quite noisy at some point, and Richie finally woke up, hearing them having so much fun. He surprised Eddie, reaching to him quietly and kissing the back of his neck. His partner let out a yelp, and Richie chuckled, patting his head:

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist. You were so inviting...”

In his surprise, Eddie dropped the stick, and Gnocchi proceeded to drag it further away, gnawing on the poor object passionately. They left her to her own devices, Richie helping Eddie up, while Mike said jokingly:

“And me? Nobody to help me?”

“Just stay on the floor for the next few days, I’m sure Bill will be happy to get you up when he’ll be there!”

Mike blushed at Richie’s words, mumbling a “Beep Beep Richie” under his breath. Richie knew better than to insist, so he quickly apologized, and they moved on. It was getting late, and none of them had eaten already. Mike was waiting on them and had cooked something simple, that he could reheat when necessary, so it didn’t take them too long to do so.

This time, Eddie sat on his usual chair, instead of going for Richie’s knees. It was tempting to do so, but he figured out that it wouldn’t be practical. Besides, Eddie and Richie needed to have their own space sometimes. It wouldn’t mean that they loved each other less, right? Eddie had to believe so. That was the only way he could actually let go of his doubts regarding Richie and everyone else’s feelings towards him…

At first, they only made some small talk, Eddie staying aside most of the time, listening to his friends, thinking about everything that happened. It was such a relief, to be able to hear Richie joking naturally, to listen to Mike and his boyfriend’s banter, and to actually laugh witnessing it all, without feeling that he had to force it out, to pretend that he was happier than he really was. Eddie was definitely lighter, and it showed.

If only he had talked earlier… Things would have gone better. Richie would have dispelled his doubts, and they would have had some great days with the other Losers, minus Stan and Patty. Instead, Eddie was so engulfed in his troubles that he just brought the mood down, ruining their reunion, the time they spent together. They must have been all so worried for him…

“ _I’m sorry.”_

Richie and Mike stopped their discussion, looking at Eddie. Clearing his throat, he added, eyes down, unable to look at them at the moment:

“ _I’m sorry I lied to you, Richie. I’m sorry for all the things I said and those I just kept hidden.”_

Richie and Mike glanced at each other, before Richie put his hand on Eddie’s, telling him softly:

“Eds, it’s… it’s not your fault, alright? You were scared, and when we’re afraid, we tend to do things we wouldn’t do otherwise. You just wanted to make sure I loved you, right?”

Eddie nodded shamefully, adding to Richie’s words:

“ _You and everyone else. I thought it would help. I don’t know. It’s complicated.”_

“Do you want to talk about it? Why you started to think this stuff?”

Eddie wasn’t sure he wanted to. But he was now sure that keeping things to himself wasn’t helping in any way. If he just talked, things would get better. Slowly, but surely. So, despite his reluctance to do so, Eddie nodded and started to tell them the whole story. How his first meeting with Tate and Myra, all alone, slowly led him to believe that being nonverbal would progressively cause him to lose everyone that he loved, that they would leave him behind, just like Tate’s parents did.

He mentioned the fact that he asked his therapist to teach him how to talk, and how it went immediately wrong. Eddie should have understood by then that it wasn’t for him, that learning how to speak wouldn’t bring him anything but suffering, but he didn’t. He pretended it would help, but it never did.

Eddie hesitated, when he was about to mention Myra’s lessons. He knew that Richie and Mike wouldn’t appreciate it. But he couldn’t believe that she didn’t have good intentions at heart, no matter the methods she used to get him to talk. The strange comfort she brought, no one else in his entourage gave him the same feeling… And Eddie was convinced that he would miss it, if he didn’t get to have that in his life.

It was like his whole being was screaming to have someone like Myra by his side, and was terrified at the thought that she might be gone someday. And he didn’t get it. She made him cry, she was harsh with him, and some of the things she said… Eddie was having a hard time coping with it all. But he needed it. For some reason, he needed it. He needed her.

“ _I don’t know if I want to tell everything right now. It’s nobody’s fault, just me.”_

“Eds, take the time you need, it’s okay. But it’s not your fault, what happened. Why do you think it is?”

Because he was stupid enough to think that Richie and everyone else’s love was tied to his communication skills. Because if he just had a discussion with his friends, family, and boyfriend when he had his first doubts, none of that would have happened. Because if it wasn’t his fault, it was probably Myra’s, and he didn’t want to think that. He couldn’t.

“ _I don’t know. It just is.”_

All of them having finished their plates, Eddie had been more than happy to get on Richie’s knees when his boyfriend offered him to do so. He hugged Richie tightly, while his partner caressed his hair, reminding him tenderly:

“It’s not your fault, Eddie. I promise you. And we’ll work on that together, as long as needed. Recovery is a bitch sometimes, I know that very well. You’re getting better with some stuff, and you’re regressing when it comes to other things, and that’s just how it is.”

Richie definitely knew what he was talking about. Eddie was more than aware of his boyfriend’s issues, his internalized homophobia, how traumatic it had been, all those years hating himself, and being terrified at the thought that people could see him for who he really was.

It affected their relationship in many ways, but Eddie never wavered, never pressured him, never tried to get him to do things he wasn’t ready for. If only Eddie understood sooner that Richie was caring for him in the same way….

“As long as we keep working on it, making our happiness a priority, then things will be okay. Right, Mike?”

Richie glanced at his friend, grinning widely:

“Your happiness matters too. I’d say it’s even of utmost importance! So don’t forget about yourself, Mikey Mike!”

Mike rolled his eyes, but he smiled fondly, touched by Richie’s words. Eddie nodded, showing that he agreed with his boyfriend on the matter. Mike had been there for him too. He tried to help, support him, and get him to open up, even though he had his own troubles he should attend to. He hadn’t forgotten that Mike was in love with Bill, and now that he was single and was going to live with them…

“ _You’re going to confess to Bill?”_

Mike, who was drinking water, coughed up at his words, certainly not expecting this sudden change of subject. Richie chuckled, stretching his arm to pat Mike’s back:

“Straight to the point, my Eddie Spaghetti! I love that about you, you know?”

Richie kissed the tip of his nose, and Eddie hugged him tighter, burying his face against his boyfriend’s chest. God, now that he wasn’t feeling so sad and anxious all the time, Eddie could really take in every feeling that he was experiencing… How much Richie was able to get him to blush and make his heart beat fast, so freaking fast…

Once Mike completely cleared his throat, he managed to let out, his voice slightly croaked:

“I don’t think it’s a good time. He just broke up, we’re barely moving together… I don’t even know what it’s like to live with him. And Bill to live with me. Maybe he’ll get bored… Perhaps he’ll think I’m not worth the time or...”

“Shh, zip it, Mikey Mike!” Richie hissed at him, in the same way Gnocchi did whenever she saw something that scared her, and Eddie couldn’t help but chuckle at the sound. “I can’t tell you if Bill will love you the way you do. But I’m sure he’ll never think that you’re a bore or anything like that. Come on, Mike, you’re part of the gang, the Losers! We love you all. It wouldn’t be the same without you...”

Eddie nodded, adding his own two cents to his boyfriend’s passionate speech:

“ _You’re essential, Mike. I love it when we talk about the books we read, when you’re so invested in whatever we’re discussing, when you take the time to tell me all those things I don’t know or never learned about… What you bring to the table, none of us do. And it’s valuable.”_

Eddie whined softly, reaching for Mike’s hand, squeezing it tightly.

“ _You’re kind, strong, intelligent, funny, and so much more than that. You’re the nicest person I’ve ever known.”_

“Well, thank you for that, Eddie Spaghetti.”

Eddie rolled his eyes and was about to flick Richie’s forehead when he stopped himself, something holding him back. Noticing his hesitation, his partner proceeded to flick himself instead, yelping painfully:

“Oh shit, it actually hurts!”

Mike and Eddie laughed at Richie’s antics, as they always did. But Eddie knew what it truly meant. It was okay for him to tease Richie playfully. It was part of their banter, their relationship, what made them love each other so much. It wasn’t something he should stop himself from doing or that he had to feel ashamed about. Eddie would learn again how to do all those things… He was determined to do so, anyway.

Focusing back on Mike, Eddie added, a caring smile on his lips:

“ _We’re here for you too. It’s not a one-way street.”_

Mike looked utterly embarrassed, finally taking in all of the compliments Eddie and Richie told him, visibly not knowing how to react. He muttered a barely audible “Thank you”, massaging his neck in a nervous motion, and Richie shrugged, saying as an answer:

“It’s just how we’re feeling, Mike. Nothing grand or exceptional. We love you, dude.”

“I, uh, I love you too. Both of you.”

Eddie gestured Mike to get closer, opening his arms. Mike hesitated for a second, before he finally allowed himself to enjoy a good hug, coming from his friends.

“We’re such a bunch of big saps.”

Richie’s remark made them laugh, but he wasn’t wrong. And why should they feel ashamed about that? The Losers, they always loved each other in a way no one else could grasp. Even when they were all apart, something kept them linked, connected to each other, something that couldn’t be explained. If that made them a bunch of big saps, then they would happily and proudly wear this title!

When the hug ended, they proceeded to clear the table, before going back on the couch and watching some rom-com flick, caring way too much about the fate of characters that, given the numbers of misunderstandings and other communication issues they were having, should definitely learn to talk to each other before anything else…

Eddie loved those moments that he got to spend with his partner and his friend, so simple, and yet so precious. He laughed at Richie’s voice impressions, smiled when he noticed that Mike was getting teary-eyed at some point, while his boyfriend pretended that it didn’t get to him at all, thank you very much. And he honestly thought that Richie and Mike were forcing themselves, that he started to bother them…

But Eddie could feel none of that, when he was spending this time with them. They were all so happy to be with each other, to enjoy this moment away from the rest of the world, out of time… It was sincere. It was real. It was true.

When Eddie went to bed with Richie, he knew he wouldn’t cry himself to sleep this night. But to be honest, he wasn’t really tired as of now, after his long nap. Richie seemed to think the same, because as soon as they were lying on the bed, he cupped Eddie’s cheeks, kissing him tenderly on the lips. Eddie kissed him back, full of passion, love, slowly getting excited at the thoughts that were crossing his mind.

But Richie wasn’t in such a mood, and he let him know, an apologetic smile on his face:

“It’s okay if we just take things slow? Today, it has been a lot, and I’m not sure I could match your energy.”

Eddie nodded, because of course, he did, and Richie added, slightly blushing while he was offering him this suggestion:

“I could, uh, I could stroke you. Gently. And we could talk too. About whatever you want. I… I’m not sure I want to come and all, but I’d like to pleasure you. If you don’t mind...”

Eddie didn’t mind at all. On the contrary, he was touched that Richie wanted to give him that, care for him in such an intimate way… It had been clear from the beginning of their relationship that they both had very different ways of seeing the sexual side of their love and, if Eddie knew that there was probably some stuff they would never get to do, he was more than okay with what Richie was willing to give him.

And there was something so lazy and domestic about his offer, Eddie truly adored it. They didn’t have to be overly excited and horny all the time. Sometimes, they could just… touch each other. Tenderly. Softly. Gently. Pleasure each other, without trying to make it grand. As long as they were both happy, nothing else mattered…

Richie pulled down Eddie’s pajama pants, letting them rest on his ankles. He wiped his hands with wet wipes that they always kept in the drawer of their bedside table, before he started to caress Eddie’s dick, slowly getting him hard. As of today, they always experienced a sort of frenzy whenever they were engaging in sexual activities, their horniness taking over most of their thoughts… But if Eddie’s body was definitely responding to Richie’s touch, he didn’t feel the overwhelming need to throw himself at him, to grind him, or whatever came to his mind when he was excited.

It was slower, less intense, but he liked it just as much. Richie was so cautious with him, so soft… Eddie let out a happy whine, silenced by his boyfriend’s kiss. Looking at him with eyes full of love, Richie let him know, his fingers grazing Eddie’s testicles, causing his breathing to hitch:

“So, either I can chatter endlessly about whatever’s on my mind, or I can listen to your cute little moans while I’m stroking your little soldier...”

Eddie glared at him when he said those last two words, and Richie chuckled, adding with a grin:

“Alright, your big, big, giant, enormous soldier. Anyway, if there’s something you’d like to talk about, you can too. What’s it gonna be like?”

Eddie was tempted to just stay silent and listen to Richie’s rambling, whatever his mind could conjure while he was masturbating his partner. But there was something he’d like to say, and he knew he shouldn’t keep it to himself. His hips moving reflexively, Eddie typed slowly on his lightwriter, having some troubles to properly express himself while Richie was caring for him this way:

“ _I’m supposed to see Myra and Tate tomorrow. I still want to go there.”_

Richie stopped stroking him as soon as Eddie said those words. Eddie whined softly, and his boyfriend apologized, caressing him again, asking with a concerned voice:

“Eds, you’re sure? I mean… I don’t know… I don’t want to tell you what to do, but...”

Even if Eddie didn’t tell him everything as of now, Richie knew enough to be aware of Myra’s involvement in his recent obsession and everything that came with it. It was natural that he would have his doubts, about Eddie’s wish…

“ _Not alone. You can come too. I think we need to have a talk. And I hope after that, we can all still see each other, no matter what.”_

Eddie wanted to believe it. That he could still be Tate’s friend. That he could still get whatever he was getting from his relationship with Myra, even if he didn’t understand it fully. Just because he didn’t want to follow Myra’s teaching, it didn’t mean that it had to end abruptly, right?

Richie didn’t seem to be convinced. But he didn’t argue with him on the matter. Instead, he smiled, kissing Eddie’s cheek:

“Alright, I’ll come with you. Mike too, if he wants to. I think it’s best if he’s here as well, but it’s up to him. Do you still want to talk about all of that or…?”

Eddie shook his head. He told Richie everything he wanted to say on the matter, for now. He was relieved that his boyfriend was willing to let him see them and to come with him. All alone, he didn’t know if he could have handled it, whatever might happen…

For the rest of their evening, Eddie listened to Richie’s voice, laughing when he tried on a few jokes he was thinking to perform in his upcoming skit, whenever it would happen. And all this time, Richie took care of him, bringing him slowly, but surely to his climax, cleaning him afterward so gently and cautiously that Eddie melted. Between Richie’s hands, he felt precious. Appreciated. Loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eddie's handling some things well, other stuff not so much. It's complicated, but at least he can focus on getting better, now that he doesn't have to worry so much about Richie and everyone else not loving him if he doesn't conform to some sort of impossible ideal. He has troubles putting words on his relationship with Myra, because he's not ready yet to accept the fact that he's looking for his mother's abuse and that he found it in some way in Myra's teaching and behavior towards himself. 
> 
> Sometimes, it's just so hard to get out of unhealthy patterns. You're so used to them that you can't think about living without them, even though it hurts so much. It's weirdly "reassuring" to Eddie, and he'll have to work on that with his therapist, probably for a long time. 
> 
> On a lighter note, I really liked portraying a more "laid-back" side of Eddie and Richie's sexual relationship. It doesn't have to be so energetic and intense all the time, sometimes, it's just about touching the other and making them feel that they're loved, in any way they can think of c:. 
> 
> Oh and Gnocchi's behavior is definitely inspired by my own cat. She has that stick too and she just takes it with her everywhere she's going, even climbing up the stairs and all xD. The first "stick toy" I bought for her was feathered, but I switched it for something fluffy when I realized that she managed to get a feather stuck under one of her eyelids (don't ask me how, I still have no idea, but it was so scary). I love her, but sometimes, I'd like her to be a little less intense and weird, for my poor fragile heart xD.
> 
> Thank you for your support! Don't hesitate to comment on this chapter, I'd love to read your reaction to Eddie's way of coping with what happened and all. You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it and/or subscribe to this series/fanfic!
> 
> Take care! Have a nice day and see you soon!


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 41st chapter of this fanfic! I thought about this particular chapter for so long, I'm glad I finally got to write it. I hope you'll like it c:. 
> 
> Thank you all for your support! Here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for ableism  
> TW for abuse  
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for internalized ableism
> 
> I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Richie wasn’t looking forward to seeing Myra again. The only time he met her, the woman gave him a strange impression, a feeling that he couldn’t quite grasp. The idea that something might be wrong, without knowing what it was exactly… But now, it was very clear that, whoever she was, Myra was bad news. Really bad news.

Before he met her, Eddie never really worried about the fact that he was nonverbal. Nothing more than a fleeting thought, anyway, that had been quickly dispelled when Richie assured him that they’d find alternative ways for him to communicate. But then, Eddie came across Myra and Tate, and everything changed.

Richie had seen Eddie losing his smile, his energy, resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms that he had started to get rid of, but that he relied on again, not knowing how to deal with the feelings he was experiencing. And he had been unable to do a single thing about that. Even if Mike told him that his best was enough, that he couldn’t have done otherwise, Richie was convinced that he failed Eddie. And it wouldn’t happen again.

Confronting Myra was going to be messy, Richie knew it. He had no idea how she would react, but he doubted that she would just accept everything they would say, without objecting to it. And Tate was going to be in the middle of this situation… What would he do? Richie couldn’t tell. And Eddie neither. But if Richie could ensure that his partner would keep his friendship intact, then he’ll do whatever he had to. But not at the expense of Eddie’s well-being. He suffered enough already.

Richie was nervous. A part of him just wanted to scream at Myra how furious he was, but he knew that wouldn’t help. On the contrary, he was pretty sure that she would make sure that Tate and Eddie would never saw each other again, and that wasn’t the outcome Richie was rooting for. Eddie needed someone he could relate to, in a way Richie or the Losers weren't able to, and Tate was that person for him.

Eddie had texted Myra, telling her that she didn’t have to drive to their home and that Richie would accompany him. After that, he hadn’t touched his phone again, probably anxious about what she might have to say about it. Richie could clearly perceive the hold that this woman had on his partner, and it terrified him. He still didn’t know exactly what happened whenever Eddie was spending time with her, and he was pretty sure that it would break his heart when he would.

Richie didn’t trust himself around her, and he was frankly relieved that Mike agreed to come with them. His friend would know how to keep him in check. He always did. Even though he was probably just as pissed off about the whole thing as Richie was. Mike didn’t take kindly to people hurting those he cared about, in any way. Richie still remembered being young and bullied, Mike witnessing it all. His friend’s burning anger was still engraved to his mind, so different from the quiet and gentle teenager he was used to…

But Mike would be able to remain calm, unlike Richie. He always handled his feelings better than Richie ever did, and he knew that getting angry and offensive would be pointless. They needed to talk, as calmly as possible, see if Eddie would still be able to enjoy Tate’s company, despite everything else.

The drive to Myra’s apartment had been excruciatingly long. Mike had taken the wheel, while Richie sat next to Eddie, hugging him tightly, caressing his hair softly to keep the anxiety away, as much as he could. The last thing he wanted was for his partner to get to an even worse mental place. If he were to be honest, Richie wasn’t sure it was such a good idea for Eddie to confront Myra so early, but it was his boyfriend’s wish, and Richie respected it. He would be there for him, just like Mike.

Eddie was curled up against him, his seat-belt digging slightly in his skin, his hands gripping Richie’s clothes. His eyes were down, and Richie couldn’t tell what he was thinking about, but it was certainly related to what they were about to do. He wished he had the right words to reassure his boyfriend, to tell him that it was going to be okay, but he wasn’t even sure of that. It would be an empty promise, and Eddie didn’t need that from him…

Mike stopped the car’s engine, but they didn’t leave it immediately. Eddie went through some meditation techniques that his therapist taught him, guided by Richie. He had to admit that it helped him as well, he definitely felt less agitated after that… Clutching to his partner’s hand, reminding him silently that he was there by his side, Richie finally stepped out of the car, Mike and him following Eddie to Myra’s flat.

His heart was beating fast, too fast, when Richie knocked at the door, waiting for either Myra or Tate to answer. She was the one who greeted them, glancing at Mike with an inquisitive look, thanking Richie for bringing Eddie and inviting him, and only him, to come in.

“I’m not just dropping Eddie, Myra. We need to have a talk. A serious talk.”

Richie could see that she was considering her options and seemed very tempted to simply close the door on them and go on with her day. But Tate followed her, and he cooed happily when he saw Eddie, swaying on his feet. Eddie smiled clumsily as an answer, but he was too nervous to truly be joyful about visiting his friend.

As of now, Tate was the only one who hadn’t realized yet how tense the situation was. He was merely waiting on his friend to come in and to spend time with him, not giving much attention to either everyone else. Richie knew that he would probably take it all the hardest, and it pained him, but they didn’t have a choice. It was a discussion that was bound to happen…

Tate’s happy reaction finally got Myra to react, and she let them in, guiding her brother to the couch. She didn’t invite them to sit down, but Richie, Eddie, and Mike did so anyway, Eddie clinging to Richie with one hand, the other hovering over his lightwriter. He was about to use it when Myra interrupted him, asking bitterly:

“So, I guess that they’re the reason why our lesson has been so abruptly ended. How much did you hear of it, you all?”

Richie hadn’t been there to witness it at the time, but Mike was. He answered, his arms crossed over his chest:

“I heard Eddie talk. Suffering through every syllable. It was enough for me to form my own opinion. But this isn’t about Richie or me. It’s about Eddie.”

Mike was right. Richie and him were merely here to support Eddie and help him get his point across if needed, but they shouldn’t be the ones Myra was talking to. Eddie wanted this discussion to happen, and he wasn’t going to be sidelined.

Myra snickered at Mike’s words, visibly unimpressed.

“Yes, it’s about Eddie. Eddie's the one who asked me to teach him how to talk. He begged me, even. I never pressured him to learn, he came to me.”

Eddie lowered his head at her words, and Richie could see how easily she could influence him. Whatever she did, his partner was under her thumb, and it wasn’t something Richie would just let happen, not if he could defend him.

“You know Eddie’s past. You know what he went through. And you used that. Don’t even try to deny it, Myra.”

Tate let out a worried whine, pulling on his sister’s sleeve, asking with a nervous voice:

“Lesson?”

Richie did his best to conceal the grimace that his face wanted to show. Tate’s schedule was probably pretty tight, and he was still convinced that he was going to have his speech lesson with Eddie. But it wasn’t going to happen… Not now, not ever. Eddie didn’t have to learn how to talk. He didn’t want to.

Myra massaged her brother’s neck, attempting to calm him without clearly explaining what was happening. Richie felt nauseous at the thought. Tate deserved to know about the whole situation. To be able to understand it all clearly. Eddie seemed to think the same, because he raised his head to look at his friend, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I’m not taking part in your sister’s lessons anymore. I thought I needed to talk verbally to be loved, but it’s not true. And it hurt me. So I’m stopping. But I hope we can still be friends.”_

Tate hummed nervously at his words, looking at his sister and Eddie frantically, his anxiety growing more every second ticking by. Digging his fingernails on the couch, he was visibly struggling with the idea, everything that was happening, and Richie didn’t know what to do, how to help, if he could even do such a thing…

Myra glared at them, hugging Tate close, shushing him, attempting to calm him down. But it was useless. Tate couldn’t just relax, thanks to a few gestures and kind words. He was really, really upset… 

“You’re hurting him! All of you, you’re hurting my brother! Why would I let you see him? You ruined everything!”

Richie was about to say something, but Mike stopped him before he did, pointing discreetly at Eddie. He was entirely focused on Tate, getting up to kneel in front of him, moaning softly to get his attention:

“ _Do you still want to be my friend, Tate?”_

His friend looked at Eddie, his breathing ragged, his body shaking slightly, clearly stressed out by the situation. His lips parted, and he struggled to get the word out, his eyes filled with tears:

“E… Eddie.”

“Get away from him! Get out!”

Myra wasn’t expecting Eddie to talk directly to Tate, to ignore her like he did. It wasn’t how she conceived the world, how she saw her brother or his friend, how she thought they should act. She was slowly losing control over the situation, and she couldn’t accept it. Richie thought that he would have to be the one to be watched over, but Myra was the angriest of them all, now that her little world was falling apart. Now that someone was actually giving Tate a space to express himself…

“Listen to your brother, Myra. Listen to him. Don’t you see?” Richie couldn’t fathom the fact that she was unable to understand what Tate wanted, what he truly needed. He was her brother. They only had each other, for so long. And yet… 

“Myra, please.”

Myra shook her head, her face red, her expression finally showing her real, wicked intent. She needed control. At any cost. And Eddie and Tate provided that for her, for a while. But not anymore. And she couldn’t afford to lose that. She raised her hand towards Eddie and Richie got up to stop her, but he didn’t react fast enough, Mike neither.

Eddie did. He caught her wrist before she could touch him, looking at her as if he couldn’t believe what just happened. What he did. He never attempted to defend himself from his mother’s violence, letting himself enduring it, because he thought he deserved it. Just like he felt that the way Myra treated him during her lessons was to be expected. But not this. Not like that.

He let go of her wrist, and Tate whined, putting himself between Eddie and Myra, arms stretched, protecting his friend from any incoming hit. But Myra wasn’t trying to hurt him anymore. She was staring at her brother with pure disbelief, saying his name in a pitiful voice:

“Tate… Tate, you...”

“No.”

Tate bit his bottom lip, kneeling next to Eddie, repeating loudly:

“No!”

He was still putting his arm in front of his friend, ready to defend him. Richie didn’t think Tate would react that way, given how much he loved his sister. But Myra attempting to hit Eddie definitely crossed a line for him…

“Tate, please. I… I didn’t mean to… I was just...”

Myra hid her face in her hands, her body shaking with sobs. Richie couldn’t help but think it was all an act. An act from someone who was used to manipulate everyone to get whatever she wanted from them. And yet, when it was made clear that Tate wouldn’t stop protecting Eddie and come back to her, she didn’t stop crying. She kept doing so, mumbling with a broken voice:

“You were my hope. All along, you were my hope, and you ruined everything, Eddie.”

Richie glanced at Mike, who seemed just as lost as he was. Myra kept going on, sniffling and wiping her wet cheeks:

“You _knew_ how to talk. You knew and, because of your mother, you lost it all. If someone like you could go through that, then someone like Tate, someone who was nonverbal at first...”

Her voice trailed off, and Richie started to guess what it was all about. Why she was so determined to teach Eddie, even if it meant hurting him in the worst ways possibles. And he didn’t like it one bit. She got up from the couch, opening a drawer and pulling out a book. A book written by Sonia Kaspbrak. Eddie’s eyes widened at the sight, and he reflexively curled up. Richie joined him and Tate, providing his partner the support he needed at the moment. Eddie grabbed his clothes fiercely, while Myra caressed the back of the book, saying thoughtfully:

“When I first read this book, I felt seen. I was alone with my brother, young, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to see my family again, not as long as I refused to let them put Tate in an institution. I didn’t know what to do, and your mom’s books, they… they helped me.”

Richie couldn’t believe it. Caressing Eddie’s hair, he was staring at this object that Myra visibly cherished, at a loss for words. Mike managed to let his own thoughts out, muttering with a shocked voice:

“But it’s a lie. All of this, it’s just a lie...”

“You think I don’t know that?” Myra reacted angrily, her tone furious, frustrated. But she managed to calm down, adding softly: “But it doesn’t matter.”

She smiled through her tears, glancing at Eddie and Tate:

“When I learned about your story, what you used to be able to do, I thought that I could truly help Tate. That, one day, he’ll be able to talk like everyone else and that I would get to see my family again. When you came into our lives, I thought you were a miracle. Our very own miracle. I was more than happy to help you.”

Her smile vanished, her face distorting herself with anger and a feeling of betrayal:

“But all along, you were a poison, Eddie. You poisoned us, and you’re trying to take my brother away from me. You have no right!”

Eddie’s breath hitched at her words, and Richie hugged him tighter, closer. He didn’t know what to say. There was so much fury, so much hatred in Myra, he couldn’t even grasp it. And no one had been able to see it yet. They all thought she was so kind, taking care of her brother, choosing him over her own parents… But all along, she had been fueled by those negative feelings. This selfish idea that she could “fix” her brother to get her family back…

Tate loved her. But he couldn’t accept the way she hurt his friend, again and again. He stood up, getting close to his sister, cupping her face in his hands so that she would only look at him, and told her firmly:

“No!”

Richie could guess that he never acted that way towards her. It wasn’t how their relationship worked. But right now, Myra was stunned and could only let her brother hug her, enunciating painfully:

“My fault. Not Eddie.”

All this time, Tate had been convinced that he was guilty. That his parents giving up on him was something he should have been able to avoid. If only he managed to talk… If only he wasn’t so upset when people suddenly touched him… If only he could go to school and have a job… If only he couldn’t be disabled. If only he couldn’t be Tate. So many “if” and he never imagined that his parents were at fault all along. That he shouldn’t have to change for them. And Myra didn’t either.

“ _It’s not your fault, Tate.”_

Despite how upset he was, Eddie managed to express himself, typing on his lightwriter, a nervous hum coming out of his throat:

“ _You’re enough. You’ve always been enough. You’re my friend, and I love you just like you are. I’m sorry no one was there to tell you that all of this time.”_

“You have no right to judge me or the way I raised my brother, Eddie. No right!”

Myra pushed her brother’s hands away, forcing him to sit beside her. She put her fingers on his knee, squeezing it harshly. Tate let out a weak cry, unable to move while his sister was using his sensory issues against him, as she could sometimes do when he wasn’t behaving nicely. But she was never harsh like that usually… Never…

Richie and Mike protested loudly against the way she treated her brother, not daring to get closer and to attempt to stop her, knowing that she wouldn’t hesitate to hurt him more if they did. Richie felt utterly powerless, once again, and he could only claim, his voice fueled with anger and despair:

“You’re hurting him! Let him go!”

Mike was just as outraged as he was, pointing at Tate:

“He’s your brother! Can’t you see what you’re doing to him?”

“ _Let him go.”_

Eddie’s lightwriter couldn’t express any feeling, but it didn’t have to. His face, the way he walked towards her, how he carried himself, strong and menacing, threatening despite how small and frail he could be. If Tate was ready to put himself in harm’s way to protect his friend, Eddie was exactly the same. He wouldn’t let Myra hurt Tate on his watch. He wouldn’t let her have this control over them. Over him.

“ _Listen to me. If you keep your little game, you’re going to lose your brother, forever. He loves you, you’re so lucky that he still loves you despite what you did to him. If you don’t stop hurting him, you’ll end up alone.”_

“He can’t do a thing without me! He’ll never leave me. Back off!”

She tightened her grip, and Tate wheezed, his hands flying to his head, gripping it harshly, pulling on his hair. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt! Richie couldn’t take it anymore. He was about to intervene, but Eddie’s words finally managed to get to Myra:

“ _He won’t love you anymore. Maybe he’ll stay, but he won’t love you anymore. And you know you’d miss it.”_

Myra glanced at her brother, who was now crying, hurting himself in every way he could think of so that he didn’t have to feel her fingers digging into his poor knee. And she let him go, watching him curling up and rubbing his knee obsessively, trying to get rid of the lingering feeling, only hurting himself more in the process.

She put her hand over her mouth, muttering weakly:

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

She didn’t dare to touch him. To do more than to look at her brother with an ashamed gaze. Richie and Mike took over, guided by Eddie, trying to help Tate to calm down, relax, and stop torturing his knee any further. Mike massaged the back of his neck gently, while Richie hugged him tightly, the pressure helping him to forget about the pain a little, whispering to his ear:

“It’s over, Tate. You were brave. You were really brave.”

Meanwhile, Eddie joined Myra, sitting next to her. He looked at her with an intense gaze, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I don’t think I can forgive you for the things you did and said to Tate. Or me. But I’d like to see my friend again, so I can at least try. I think it would be for the best, right?”_

Myra didn’t answer. But she nodded, and it was more than enough for Eddie. It took them a while to get Tate to calm down, for Myra to dry her tears, and to accept to talk to them again. Richie was exhausted, and he was pretty sure that everyone else in the room was as well. But they finally managed to speak, calmly, diffusing the situation, finding common ground.

Eddie didn’t want to lose Tate and Myra neither. If she didn’t let him see his friend, if she kept treating him the way she did, she would end up alone. Eddie was right, and she knew it. So, they talked and managed to get to an agreement, that Richie hoped would become more flexible as time went by.

Eddie and Tate could see each other, but only if Myra and Richie or Mike were around. Myra didn’t want to risk having her brother “stolen” from her, and neither Richie nor Mike were willing to take the risk to let her manipulate Eddie again. Eddie agreed too, now conscious that, despite the progress he made so far, she still had some power over him, that he wasn’t ready to rebel against quite yet.

There was no true happy ending to this story. Richie wished he could get Myra to see that her brother was fine just the way he was, that he didn’t have to change or to conform to any arbitrary societal rule, but she was too stubborn to see it otherwise. Too obsessed with the idea that she could one day get her parents back, as well as still having her brother by her side. She couldn’t have both, and she needed to stop denying it.

But Richie wasn’t her therapist. He wasn’t even her friend. She probably hated him, as much as she loathed Eddie now. She was the only one who could take those steps towards becoming a better person, but Richie wasn’t sure she could ever do so. He hoped she would, one day. For Tate’s sake. And even hers. Living with such hatred, so much bitterness… She could never be happy or satisfied with her life, if she kept on walking this path.

Richie knew that they would need time before Eddie and Tate would be able to see each other again. He could only hope that Myra wouldn’t punish Tate or use him to relieve herself from her negative emotions, but he didn’t have any control over that. The only thing he could do was to remind Tate that he didn’t have to take it. That he could reach out to them whenever he’d like, that there was always a place for him at their apartment.

Heck, Richie even toyed with the idea of Tate becoming their roommate, his suggestion almost ruining any sense of peace they managed to create between them all. But Tate shook his head at the offer, his hand reaching for his sister’s. He loved her. He loved her, despite everything. And it saddened Richie in a way he couldn’t quite explain. But it was his choice, and Richie had no right to try to force him to do otherwise. He knew that. Mike knew that. Eddie knew that. Now, they could only hope for the best.

When they get back to their car, they were all so tired that Mike decided to put off driving for a little while, resting his head against the wheel. Richie and Eddie were sitting on the back of the car, Eddie on Richie’s knees, hugging him tightly. His gaze was glassy, as it could get whenever he was deep in thoughts. When Richie tried to know what was worrying him, Eddie only said one sentence, before going back to whatever was busying his mind:

“ _She read my mom’s books, and they inspired her.”_

His words stuck with Richie, for some reason. It was the last time Eddie communicated this day, remaining deep in thoughts, too exhausted to even attempt to use his lightwriter. And Richie didn’t insist. He and Mike took care of him, making sure to distract him. Richie even managed to get him to smile at some point, which was an undeniable victory for him. Seeing Eddie smile always made the world a little brighter.

They did the best they could. And maybe it wasn’t the happiest outcome they hoped for, but it was a beginning. A flicker of hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, the chapter that I wanted to write for so long, explaining Myra's behavior, but not just that. It's why I titled this series "Listen to me" and it's the start to one of the core messages of this story. Myra found inspiration in Sonia's words, telling her lies about Eddie's disability, her own "story", using her son to get what she wanted. She felt seen and understood, when she didn't have any support system to help her, having to take care of her brother so suddenly. As a result, she convinced herself of the worst things and Tate suffered from it. 
> 
> Even when she realized that Sonia lied, she still convinced herself that she could get something out of her, out of what she did. She couldn't let go of this idea. She got obsessed with Eddie and finally met him and managed to get him under her thumb. I think she truly convinced herself that she's a good person and that she was helping them, when she was only hurting them. She was really interesting to write.
> 
> As a result, I couldn't just let her be convinced by Eddie, Richie and Mike's words. She's just too engulfed in her own world to see what she's really going. 
> 
> The next chapters are really going to be interesting to write. Bill coming to their life, Eddie working on his recovery and thinking about what happens, Richie still writing his stand-up, Mike figuring out what he wants to do with Bill and his own life... I can't wait to write it all!
> 
> Thank you for your support. Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to read your thoughts about Myra and Tate. You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it, and/or subscribe to this story/series, if you want to.
> 
> Have a nice day! Take care and see you soon!


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 42nd chapter of this fanfic! I hope you're all okay c:. 
> 
> It's my birthday today! 27 years old, I can barely believe it. I still feel like a teenager most of the time, honestly. I'm on lockdown, so I couldn't really see anyone, but I was able to have some fun online with a friend and I was able to write this chapter, so it was a pretty good day! 
> 
> Thank you all for your support. Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for internalized acephobia  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of self-harm  
> TW for mention of internalized ableism
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!

Mike waited patiently for Bill’s plane to land. He was sitting on a bench, glancing at his phone here and there, his foot uncontrollably tapping the floor. He couldn’t help it, he really wanted to see his friend again. After what happened those last few weeks and the exhausting moment they spent at Myra’s apartment, he needed that. He really needed to have Bill by his side.

Mike sighed, his thoughts going back to Eddie’s friend, Tate. Poor guy… He couldn’t imagine what it was like, living with someone like Myra and relying entirely on her. He wasn’t pretending that he truly lived in a household full of warm affection, expressed at every turn, but his grandparents, as harsh as they could sometimes be, never tried to control him like Myra did. Or Sonia Kaspbrak. 

He never thought he’d get to meet someone like Mrs. K. again, but, unfortunately, he had been proven wrong. And Eddie had been pulled towards her, as if he was looking for the shackles that used to restrict him. Mike couldn’t say he fully understood why, but he wasn’t going to judge his friend, especially given why he accepted to be treated that way. Eddie truly believed that they wouldn’t love him anymore if he didn’t manage to learn how to talk… As if their affection had ever been conditional.

Massaging his neck, Mike tried to relax a little. He had been tense for so long, his body was hurting everywhere. He was barely in his twenties, and yet, he felt like an old dude, his muscles screaming for him to calm down. Mike couldn’t help it, he had been really worried about his friends. And there were also his own problems. And Bill. Not that Bill would ever be a problem, it was just… complicated.

Despite his lack of sexual attraction, Mike was now pretty sure that he loved Bill, differently from the way he loved Eddie, Richie, or everyone else. He wanted something _ cozy _ with Bill. The pleasure of snuggling under a blanket, the peaceful happiness of reading a book together, long discussions about pretty much everything they could think of, until they both went silent and enjoyed the other’s company, simply enough… 

At first, he had a hard time establishing exactly how he loved Bill, because there was none of the frenzy that Richie ever seemed to manifest whenever he was pining over Eddie, notably during those five long years without him around. Mike wasn’t picturing Bill in any sexual situation and never felt particularly attracted by the idea. He still couldn’t quite wrap his head around it all, but at least, he knew now the nature of his feelings for Bill. It was definitely love, and it wasn’t the kind of love he felt for his friends. 

But now, what was he supposed to do with that? Bill barely broke up with Audra, and he probably didn’t want to throw himself in another relationship anytime soon. And even if he did… Why would he choose Mike? Bill’s sexuality aside (since Mike didn’t even know if he loved men), he could probably do so much better than a shy and boring librarian, who would almost certainly never have sex with him.

Mike would probably quietly pine over his friend, never daring to tell him a single thing. Even though he had sometimes been frustrated, witnessing Richie’s silence and resolution to never reveal his own feelings to Eddie. How ironic. Now, who was in that very same situation and acting like his friend used to? But Eddie had been the one to take the first step, cementing their relationship. Mike had no hope that Bill would ever do the same. 

No, he was already happy with what he had. Bill was going to live with them, and Mike could enjoy his company daily. He couldn’t ask for more, it was so much already… Mike smiled softly, thinking about the dinners he’d get to enjoy with his friend, the movies they’d watch together. Maybe he could even help him brainstorm his new book, as they used to when they were younger… 

His mind getting filled with gentle fantasies, Mike almost missed the call that he suddenly got, dropping his phone and barely catching it before it fell on the floor. He answered quickly, his heart beating loudly and fast:

“Y… Yeah? Bill, you’re there?”

“Hello, Mike. I just guh-got my suitcase. Where are you?”

After a short discussion, they agreed that Bill would stay where he was, while Mike was looking for him. He was almost running towards the location where his friend told him he was waiting for him, buzzing with joy and excitement. Mike knew that they saw each other not so long ago, but damn, he missed him as if entire months separated them… 

As soon as his gaze landed on Bill, Mike knew that he was done, trapped by his eyes bluer than the bluest sky. His friend waved at him with a big smile, and Mike hurried to join him. He was always surprised whenever he remembered Bill’s height, especially compared to his own. Big Bill wasn’t so big anymore, and Mike… well, Mike sometimes had the feeling that he was definitely taking too much space. That he should hunch a little, just to be less seen, to take less space. 

When they got close to each other, Bill hugged him, and Mike had the feeling that he could very well melt, just from his touch. As he often did, Mike tensed at first, getting used to the physical contact, before he managed to relax into it and give it back to Bill, hugging him as well.

“It’s so good to see you, Bill. How about a cup of coffee?”

“I’d die for a coffee, Mike.” Bill chuckled, taking a step back. “I had the feeling this trip lasted for thru-three days or something. I don’t know why it seemed so long.”

Mike had the same impression, waiting for Bill to arrive. Granted, he definitely arrived early, way too early, but even then… For a second, he even wondered if he was stuck in some kind of time loop, “Groundhog day” style, and if he would have to wait for Bill forever. What an awful idea it was…

Without listening to his friend’s protests, Mike immediately grabbed his suitcase, determined to help him in any way he could.

“I can do it myself, Mike, I...”

“Don’t even bother. Your suitcase is mine now.”

Bill laughed at his words, following Mike closely, grinning and joking:

“Oh no! I’ve been stoh-stolen, what will I do? I guess I’ll have to borrow your clothes.” 

Shortly, Mike pictured Bill in one of his sweaters, definitely oversized for him, and he gulped, trying to erase this too pleasant thought from his mind. Eddie loved wearing Richie’s hoodies, and Richie kept cooing about how cute he was whenever he did. Was he really turning into his friend? Mike wasn’t sure he appreciated this thought. As much as he loved Richie, one was probably enough…

“No, you don’t. Eddie’s clothes would probably fit you a lot better, anyway.”

“Maybe I prefer yours.”

Mike found himself at a loss of words for a second, not knowing how to answer, how to react. Noticing his embarrassment, Bill patted Mike’s back, apologizing to him:

“Sorry, I was just kuh-kidding. So, how about that coffee?”

“Uh, yes. It’s… It’s right there.”

On his way to look for Bill, Mike noticed a cafe that seemed decent enough. That’s where he led him, paying for both of their orders, despite Bill’s protest. 

“You’re spoiling me, Mike. You don’t have to.”

“It’s okay. I’m… I’m just glad to see you.”

And he really was. God, he missed his friend so much, those last few years… Living so far away from him had been torture. Being with Richie and Eddie was a blessing, but Bill… Mike missed him in his life. Truly. And now that he wasn’t so obsessed with Audra and decided to make amends, Mike definitely enjoyed having him around. 

He certainly looked tired. Mike noticed the dark circles under his eyes, just like his. He hadn’t slept well either, just like Richie and Eddie, after everything that happened. Mike only started to get some rest and respite, and he definitely needed it. 

“So, you’re doing okay? Leaving everything behind you, so suddenly… It must be pretty complicated.”

Mike didn’t know if he could do such a thing. While he wasn’t as rigid as Eddie could be about those things, he still appreciated his routine and the relative stability of his life. Dropping everything on a whim, like Bill did… It was foolishly brave, and Mike admired him for his determination. 

“Staying would have been c-complicated.” Bill took a sip of his coffee, a thoughtful expression on his face. “I don’t have anything left there. No friends, no girlfriend, nothing. My publishing house doesn’t mind, as long as I’m still respecting their deadlines and all, and I decided to give up on my studies.”

Mike raised an eyebrow at his last words. Of course, he should have remembered that Bill was still studying creative writing… Getting his first book published didn’t mean that he had to let it go. And yet…

“Why? You didn’t like it anymore?”

Bill shrugged, playing distractedly with a strand of hair. Mike was cursing his own heart, beating louder and louder at every little thing that Bill ever did. How could he hope to be there for his friend, when his body was betraying him like this?

“My teachers had their ideas about my writing, especially my endings. I know that lots of people think that the ending of my first book sucks, but it makes sense in the narrative I created. I was starting to guh-get tired of my studies. Your offer gave me an out more than welcome.”

Bill could be so stubborn sometimes. It was just as infuriating as it was endearing, in Mike’s eyes. At least, he wasn’t afraid to fight for what he believed in, no matter what. Mike admired him for that, and he wished he had this strength of mind. Maybe having Bill around would help him to become a better person…

“How is Eddie? I have thought a lot about him lately. I wanted to call, but I… I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to make things worse.”

Mike couldn’t blame Bill, it was probably for the best. With everything that happened, Eddie probably wouldn’t have been able to talk to Bill, and he would have become even more anxious than he was then. Besides, Bill also had to organize his move out and make things right with Audra. Mike hoped that she was okay. He should probably call her soon, check on her, reassure her about their friendship. They weren’t going to drop her because Bill and her broke up. She was part of the group now, for the worst and for the best.

“I can’t tell you the whole story, Eddie’s the one who will decide if he wants to. But we managed to find the root of his recent issues, and he’s working on it. He’s seeing his therapist actually, Richie’s with him.”

Mike hoped that Dr. Park would be able to help. Eddie had a lot of things to unpack, stuff that he internalized because of his trauma, and that had been worsened by Myra and the pain he put himself through. As if he didn’t suffer enough already… Mike hoped that his friend would finally get some respite, that he would be allowed to have a quiet and peaceful life, after all of those chaotic years spent with his mother.

Bill nodded at Mike’s words, taking a sip from his coffee, letting out a long sigh.

“Thank G-God. I wish I would have been there and able to he… to help a little. I’ve been so selfish, lately. I focused so much on myself that I forgot what was truly important. You.”

Mike knew that he was talking about the Losers in general, but the way Bill looked at him, he could almost believe that he was only thinking about him, saying those words. He cleared his throat, putting on a smile:

“It’s okay, Bill. Eddie’s really happy that you’re living with us now. Richie too. And… uh… me too, of course.”

Mike felt terribly awkward. The more he was trying not to make his feelings known, the more they seemed apparent to him, his emotions all over the place. God, he was really a mess… And Bill’s hand on his wasn’t helping, goddammit!

“Thanks, Mike. I… It means a lot for me, hearing those words.”

When Bill took off his hand, Mike finally remembered how to breathe, his brain rebooting progressively. He felt so ridiculous, overwhelmed by the smallest things. The Losers had always been very tactile, especially when they were allowing themselves to be vulnerable. He should be used to it, now, but he wasn’t! He could still feel Bill’s fingers on his skin, and he was weirdly tempted to never wash this hand again.

“How about your work? Still everything you hoped for?”

Bill smiled, resting his chin on the palm of his hand:

“You’re always so pa… passionate when you talk about your books. I missed having those conversations with you.”

Bill was killing him. Mike wasn’t going to survive living with him, he was now sure of it. He managed to blurt out, almost hiding behind his coffee cup:

“I… I missed them too. And, uh, yeah, my job’s just fine. I started to plan this event, I think our patrons are really going to like it.”

And that’s how Mike found himself lost in a full monologue, detailing every little thing that he was going to do, telling Bill about the funny things that happened at his work, encouraged by his friend’s laugh, how intently he was looking at him, listening to his every word. Until Mike realized that he just rambled for ten full minutes about his library and his books. Blushing, he stopped himself, starting to mutter an apology, but Bill interrupted him, shaking his head:

“No. Don’t apo… Don’t… You know.”

“But I must be boring, I can’t just spend so much time talking about my job and myself, I…!”

“Why not?”

Mike stopped himself in his awkward rambling, raising an eyebrow:

“Uh?”

“Why not? Did I look b-bored? Annoyed?”

No, he didn’t. Bill had been nothing but sweet, listening to him all along, laughing at his corny stories and jokes, mostly remaining silent, aside from a few approving noises and hums of understanding. But, still… Mike couldn’t just talk about himself for so long.

“You don’t have to be so nice to me. You should just tell me when I’m taking too much space, Bill, it’s okay.”

It was Bill’s turn to furrow his eyebrows, looking extremely puzzled by Mike’s words:

“I never thought that you were t-taking too much space. And I’m not being nice, I really like listening to you. You’re not boring.”

But Mike knew that he was. He wasn’t interesting like his friends were. He never had any particular talent or a personality strong enough to distinguish himself from anyone else. Bill… He had to be aware of that, right? Why did he seem so upset by Mike’s words? Why was he trying to convince him otherwise?

“I like books too. A lot. Does that make me buh-boring?”

“No!” Mike raised his voice at the idea, noticed that he attracted some attention from the people around, and lowered his gaze, embarrassed. “I mean… No, you’re not boring. You never were. Your stories, who you are… There’s nothing boring about it.”

“And there’s nothing boring about you, Mike. There, I… I said it.” Before Mike could protest, Bill shushed him, shaking his head: “No buh-backsies. Are you implying that I would lie? Mike, I’m offended!”

“No, I… I just…”

Mike sighed, biting on his bottom lip:

“I don’t know.”

A silence took place between them, a silence that Mike wasn’t quite comfortable with. He didn’t want Bill to tell him once again that he wasn’t boring or anything like that, so he changed the subject, knowing how to steer his friend away from this awkward topic:

“My colleagues love your book. They’re wondering when the next one will be released. I think they’d really like it if you could drop by, someday.”

Bill’s face lit up at Mike’s words and, sure enough, they started to talk about his new book, that he almost finished and that he was definitely proud of. Mike had always felt more comfortable as a listener, remaining quiet and basking in his friends’ words, especially Bill. The way he just let himself talk, talk, talk, so passionately, without second-guessing what he was saying constantly…

Mike envied the way Bill carried himself, how confident he could be. Even though he knew that it wasn’t always the case, that he could experience serious self-doubt, it was hard to remember, listening to him, admiring how expressive his eyes were, the way his whole body seemed to move according to what he was saying… Mike could listen to him for the rest of his life, and he’d be perfectly content. God, he really had it bad…

*

Their trip back had been mostly uneventful, although they kept talking during it, barely allowing the silence to take place between them. Mike didn’t think they’d have so much to say to each other, given that it hadn’t been so long since the last time they were together, and yet… Even he found himself quite chatty, which was definitely unusual. And as much as he was embarrassed by it, Mike knew that Bill was listening to him. That he was genuinely paying attention to his words, what he was saying. He still didn’t understand why, but it made him feel warm. Appreciated.

When they arrived, Mike texted Richie quickly, making sure that Eddie’s session was over and that they could come home. It must have been pretty intense, and he didn’t want to risk making things worse. But Richie reassured him and let him know that it was okay for them to arrive. Noticing the way Bill clutched nervously to his suitcase, Mike took it from his hands, smiling when he started to protest:

“Shh, not a word! If Richie sees you carrying your stuff after a whole trip, he’s going to become full Mother hen and fuss over you. You don’t want that to happen, right?”

Bill sighed, but he relented, knowing that Mike wasn’t far from reality. Richie would definitely react like that, even if he’d partially be joking about it all. That’s how he was…

“Let’s just try to keep things calm, okay? Eddie’s session ended not so long ago, he’s probably exhausted.”

“Fine by me. I could definitely use a quiet time too, I’m t-tired as hell.”

Mike could see that. He hoped that Bill would be able to get some sleep and to forget about his break-up and everything else, if only a little. Finally coming home, they were greeted by Richie, who kept his voice low, informing them quickly:

“Eddie tried to fight sleep to greet you, but he didn’t resist long enough. I carried him to bed.”

Hugging Bill, Richie whispered to him, smiling from ear to ear:

“It’s good to see you, Big Bill.”

Bill hugged him back, and Mike longed for the feeling of his arms wrapped around him. Richie let them know that he would keep an eye on Eddie, going back to their bedroom. Mike guided Bill to his room, letting him know with an apologetic smile:

“Our flat isn’t really big, so you’ll have to share my wardrobe. The lower space is for you, I put my stuff on the upper level.”

“Are you saying that I’m t-tiny, Mike?”

Taken aback, notably because he had this reasoning and wasn’t sure Bill would appreciate it if he admitted it, Mike blushed, tripping on his words, but his friend ended his suffering immediately, grinning and opening his suitcase:

“I’m kidding. It’s perfectly fine.”

Mike took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He offered his help to Bill, while he was rambling about their arrangement:

“We don’t really have another room, so I thought you could take my bed. I’ll sleep on the couch in the living room, we’ll probably buy a pullout sofa soon enough.”

Bill let out a soft “Oh” at his words, then remained silent while Mike was talking, focusing on what they were doing as if it was a particularly complicated task. Why did he react that way? Mike remembered their conversation back in what was now Audra’s flat, how he told him that he couldn’t sleep alone anymore. Was he… Was he hoping that they would sleep together? In the same bed?

Mike parted his lips, but found himself unable to ask this very question. What if he was wrong? Maybe Bill was just tired and having a harder time to interact, now that they were home. If it meant nothing, Bill would probably find him ridiculous, offering him to share his bed. Or maybe he’d start to suspect that Mike could be in love with him and he… Mike didn’t know how he would react. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

They took it upon themselves to prepare the dinner, while Richie was caring for Eddie. Bill was back to being chatty, and Mike soon forgot about this awkward moment in his bedroom, laughing at his friend’s jokes and quips, admiring how at ease he was in the kitchen. God, they could cook together anytime they wanted, now… How domestic it was! Mike smiled even more at the thought, humming happily a tune stuck in his head.

They just finished when Richie and Eddie joined them. Still half-asleep, Eddie lazily hugged Bill, letting out a tired moan before sitting on his chair, rubbing his eyes. He definitely looked exhausted, but he didn’t seem to be regressed. Mike couldn’t see any scratch marks or anything that would indicate that he hurt himself badly. He was definitely relieved, especially given how intense his sessions could be. Mike didn’t know what happened, and he wouldn’t press, but it seemed to have helped. 

Eddie was eating without fussing or waiting for their permission to do so, and he even started to stim when their dinner was finished, sitting on Richie’s knees, sucking gently on his fingers. Everything was so natural between them… Richie just had to rest his hand on Eddie’s face, close to his mouth, and Eddie immediately knew what it meant, what his boyfriend allowed him to do. He didn’t even hesitate, which was definitely a good sign. Maybe Eddie would feel comfortable again with his usual stims, with the help of Dr. Park? Mike could only hope so.

Bill didn’t bat an eye at the scene, and Mike was grateful for that. The last thing he wanted was to see Eddie getting embarrassed about the way his autism manifested, when they were doing everything they could so that he wouldn’t have to. But it didn’t happen. If Bill was weirded out, he didn’t show it, talking to Eddie and Richie naturally, inquiring about their lives, their well-being. The conversation didn’t last, Eddie still too tired from his session to remain sociable any longer.

Richie led him to their bedroom, and Mike and Bill spent the rest of the evening together, conversing at a low volume to make sure they wouldn’t disturb Eddie’s sleep. They enjoyed Gnocchi’s company as well, who seemed really curious about Bill and eager to get to know him. She soon adopted him, resting on his knees and taking a nap there.

Mike laughed at the sight, telling Bill jokingly:

“I think you’re stuck here. She’s never going to move.”

“What a shame.” He looked down at her, then at Mike, a hesitant smile on his lips. “I guess I’ll have to sleep here then. I have no choice, she trapped me.”

Mike could only look at Bill, mouth agape, words escaping his grasp. He didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t need to. His friend asked softly, his gaze focused on the cat, unable to look up at Mike:

“Puh-Please.”

He couldn’t say no. He couldn’t refuse, not when he saw how vulnerable Bill was, at this moment. Despite his smiles and his jokes, his friend wasn’t fine. And he couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. So, Mike could only nod, unable to say anything else. Maybe he should have offered to go to his bedroom, but it would have been too much, right? Too… intimate. Mike could tell himself that he was only helping a friend who was going through a rough break-up, that’s it.

Nothing else. Absolutely nothing else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, I love to write from Mike's POV! He's just so happy to see Bill and yet, so confused about the way he should act. And Bill... Well, Bill is pretty lost too, to be honest. He doesn't want to show it too much, but he's not really in a good place right now. Thankfully, he's with his friends now c:. 
> 
> A lot of Mike's introspection about his feelings is directly inspired by my own experience as an asexual person. It can be hard sometimes to trust your own feelings, when you don't have those "urges" like so many people. I'm lucky enough to have ace friends, so it helps a lot to accept myself and understand it all. Thankfully, Mike will be able to talk about it all and find some understanding in the LGBT association c:. 
> 
> Thank you all for your support. Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to see what you thought about Bill and Mike in this chapter (and, to be honest, I'd love a "Happy birthday" too, but that's up to you xD). You can also subscribe to the story/series and/or leave a kudos, if you feel like it c:. 
> 
> Have a nice day! Take care and see you soon!


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 43rd chapter of this fanfic! Thank you all so much for your kind words, it really made my birthday a lot greater than it would have been otherwise c:. You're all so awesome, I'm lucky to have you as readers c:.
> 
> I hope you'll like this chapter, I had a great time writing it. A lot of it, I started to think about months ago, and I'm glad I finally put it into words. 
> 
> Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of ableism
> 
> I think that's all c: Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Eddie thought he would have a harder time adjusting to Bill living with them. After all, he always had some difficulties in dealing with change, and a new roommate was a big one, that was for sure. And yet, it just seemed like he was the missing piece to their puzzle, comfortably settling in, finding his place as if he was always supposed to be here. Eddie didn’t mind him. On the contrary, he was actually pretty happy. Bill brought something unique to their home, something that Eddie cherished truly.

For a start, he was working at home, which meant that Eddie didn’t have to be alone all day long anymore. He would come back from his jog and find Bill on the couch, typing on his laptop, highly focused on what he was doing. Eddie loved sitting next to him, listening to the way his fingers almost brutalized the keys, smashing them intently to produce a whole story.

Sometimes, it took literal hours for Bill to realize that Eddie was there, raising his head from the screen to glance at his friend, blinking back to reality. He would then close his laptop and discuss with him, about every subject they could think of. Or he would show him a glimpse of what he wrote, asking for Eddie’s opinion, knowing how frank and direct his friend could be, taking his answer into account.

They accommodated themselves pretty well to the other’s presence. Bill would retreat to Mike’s room (who was also his, now) if he needed to write and Eddie wanted to watch something, and Eddie would make sure that he wasn’t being too noisy or clingy whenever his friend was working. He would also keep Gnocchi busy, so that she wouldn’t start jumping on Bill to get his attention, potentially ruining his work by walking all over his keyboard.

Sometimes, they would also leave the flat together. Bill was always down for a break, taking Eddie out. More than often, they spent time at the tea room that Eddie loved so much and where Bill used to go to write and find inspiration, when he was younger. They would talk, laugh at the other’s jokes and quips, and enjoy the pastries they ordered, regretting their gluttony later when they had to deal with stomach aches.

With those happy times also came harsher moments. Eddie had to deal with his traumatic memories and how much Myra’s influence hurt him, setting him back in many ways. He still couldn’t stim in the way he used to, and he couldn’t even bring himself to touch his stuffed bear, fearing that it would be taken away from him if he did. Eddie knew that it was stupid, that neither Bill, Richie, nor Mike would ever do that, but he couldn’t help it. It was better to just not touch it. Safer.

As a result, Eddie didn’t have many outlets to deal with his emotions, which were all over the place. He felt awful, thinking about how easily Myra managed to manipulate him, and even more when he realized that he missed the way she treated him. Dr. Park assured him that it was normal and that it would eventually vanish, but it didn’t make it easier to deal with. Eddie shouldn’t ache for the pain this woman inflicted on him. It wasn’t… It wasn’t right.

He also felt guilty, wondering how and why he persuaded himself that Richie and his friends would want him to talk verbally, when none of them ever let him think that. Yet, he managed to convince himself that it was the only way for them to love him, as if their affection had to be earned. But they weren’t his mother, and Eddie felt that he insulted them by thinking so.

He didn’t, Dr. Park said. For so many years, he only knew his mother’s love, if it could even be called like that, and it had always been conditional, relying on him acting like the “good boy” she wished he was. He couldn’t erase years and years of trauma so easily. It would take time, a lot of time, and it was very possible that he would regress again in many ways. His attachment to Myra and the influence she had over him were proofs of that.

As much as his latest session helped him, Eddie was still a mess, having to learn again how to deal with his emotions healthily. He tried to force himself to stim, but every time his fingers got close to his lips, Eddie could feel Myra’s hand on his wrist, yanking him away, reminding how bad he was for doing so. It was a perpetual struggle, and he rarely won those battles, as of now.

Bill was there to see it all. Eddie felt terribly guilty every time he interrupted his friend in his writing streak, but Bill reminded him again and again that he didn’t care, that he could find inspiration at all times during the day or even the night. Eddie’s well-being mattered more than his work.

At first, Bill had no idea how to deal with Eddie’s meltdowns. He stood there, paralyzed, watching his friend hitting himself and screaming his lungs out. Whenever he tried to get close to him, Eddie would step back and hurt himself even more, leaving Bill utterly lost and confused about what he was supposed to do. He called Mike and Richie for help multiple times, following their advice closely, until he found himself finally able to be there for Eddie on his own.

More than often, it ended with Eddie resting his head on Bill’s knees, the sound of his friend’s fingers typing on his laptop soothing him and lulling him to sleep. He felt less awful, whenever Bill was still able to work, despite his meltdown, and Bill knew that very well. Sometimes, he would just write some songs’ lyrics, when he couldn’t find inspiration, knowing how much of a relief it was for Eddie to think that he didn’t stop him from working.

But their relationship wasn’t a one-way street. Bill wasn’t just there for Eddie. Eddie was there for him too. It wasn’t so rare for him to surprise Bill in full doubt, criticizing his work meanly, being harsher towards himself than he should be. More than once, Eddie managed to convince Bill not to erase his whole story, calming him down and reassuring him about his skills.

It wasn’t only about his writing, though. Even if his break-up with Audra had been smoother than he anticipated, Bill’s heart still ached, and he had troubles to move on properly. He would hear a certain song and remember that it was Audra’s favorite, making him miserable for the rest of the day. Trying to write a romance scene proved itself impossible as of now, and Bill almost threw his laptop across the room when he tried to do so, Eddie stopping him just in time.

Sometimes, Bill was so upset that the words just wouldn’t come out. So, Eddie would hug him and be there for his friend as long as needed. He didn’t mind the silence, this quiet time between them, and Bill knew that he didn’t have to feel ashamed that he couldn’t talk. Not with Eddie. Eddie understood, in a way Richie or even Mike couldn’t. It was easier to cope with his friend’s silence, not to feel this unbearable jealousy whenever he could hear Richie or Mike talking so easily when he wasn’t able to.

All and all, Bill and Eddie managed to make it work almost right away, as if it had always been this way. As if Bill immediately lived with them, from the get-go. They had their own little bubble, that they were happy to burst out whenever Mike and/or Richie would come home. When they were together, the four of them, everything just seemed right, in a way Eddie couldn’t quite explain.

There was still something that Eddie didn’t dare to ask Bill, though. Something that he started to think about, after his last meeting with Myra and his talk with Dr. Park. Every time he parted his lips, he stopped himself at the last minute, thinking that it was stupid and that Bill would brush him off.

Richie, who had been there for his session with Dr. Park, waited patiently for Eddie to talk on his own, until he realized that Eddie would never manage to do so, not without a bit of help. It was the reason why, after they finished playing some board game and Eddie was done bitching over his losing streak, Richie suddenly said out loud, caressing his boyfriend’s back:

“Eddie would like to ask you something, Big Bill.”

Bill glanced at Eddie, raising an eyebrow, a curious expression on his face. Meanwhile, Eddie grunted and shook his head, while Richie whispered to him gently, smiling kindly:

“Come on, Eddie, he’s not gonna bite you. It’s fine.”

Eddie didn’t feel ready to ask. But he wasn’t sure he would ever feel prepared if he didn’t do it right now. As much as it annoyed him, Richie was right. Worst case scenario, Bill would just say “no” and move on, right? It wasn’t like he was going to lose his friendship over this. Eddie took a deep breath, typing on his lightwriter hesitantly:

“ _I… You know I told you about what happened with Myra, right?”_

When Eddie had one of his first meltdowns with Bill, he felt the need to explain why, once he was calmed down enough to do so. It wasn’t Bill’s fault. He was just in a cleaning streak and, noticing that Eddie’s stuffed animal could use a good wash, took it from his bed to put it in the washing machine. Yet, when Eddie saw his Teddy Bear in Bill’s hands, his mind immediately convinced him that he must have been bad and that Bill was punishing him.

He exhausted himself to talk verbally and beg Bill to give it back, having trouble articulating the word properly. Yet, when his friend understood his distress and handed him his stuffed animal, Eddie found himself unable to hold it in his arms, utterly persuaded that Bill would only take it back from him if he dared to do so. It didn’t end well, and Eddie fully regressed, remaining in this state for two whole days, Richie taking a break from his work to care for him during this time.

After that, Eddie apologized to Bill (who assured him he didn’t have to), and he explained it all. Myra’s lessons, how she used his bear against him, what the stuffed animal meant for him, and how he couldn’t bring himself to use it for comfort as he used to. Bill understood and was a lot more mindful after that, never taking Eddie’s bear for a wash without warning him first and putting it back right where it belonged as soon as it was clean and dry.

As a result, Bill was aware of the way Myra treated Eddie. He even told him about his last meeting, so that his friend would understand his behavior and some of his recent difficulties, given that he was spending so much time with Bill now.

“ _I keep thinking about the fact that she had my mother’s book. That it inspired her. That, even as of now, she still thinks that it holds some truth.”_

Yet, it was filled with lies. Lies that Sonia Kaspbrak constructed so that people would think of her as a benevolent maternal figure, for a son who needed her every second of the day. An admirable person carrying a burden that no one should bear. The Eddie pictured in this book wasn’t even close to the real one, in any way. And how she treated him… It wasn’t right, no matter how much she justified herself in her writing.

Eddie didn’t realize how harmful those books were. He kept profiting on them, because he couldn’t find a job, and he thought that he should at least be able to gain something from all the pain he went through. But people still believed what was written in there…

“ _It inspired her. And maybe she wouldn’t have hurt her brother so much if it didn’t.”_

Bill nodded with understanding, before he asked, while Eddie was pondering on his next words:

“I guh-get you, Eddie. But what does it have to do with me?”

And there it was. The moment of truth. Eddie rocked on his seat, nervous. He rubbed his legs frantically, trying to find comfort in this new stim when he knew it wasn’t as efficient as his old one. Yet, he still couldn’t bring himself to suck on his fingers, as much as he tried to. It didn’t help. On the contrary, it made him even more anxious, waiting to be punished for his behavior.

Richie hugged him tightly, asking if he wanted to sit on his knees for a moment. Eddie nodded silently, and Richie held him up easily, as if he was literally weighing nothing, installing him comfortably. Eddie blushed slightly at the thought of his boyfriend carrying him around, appreciating it more than he would ever admit it out loud, but he quickly focused back on the situation, resting his head against Richie’s chest, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _I talked about it with Dr. Park for a while. And she suggested that I should tell my own side of the story. That I should write it.”_

Eddie cleared his throat, his fingers grabbing Richie’s shirt and playing with the fabric to calm the growing anxiety that was taking over his guts. Mike, who remained silent until then, tried to reassure him, a soft smile on his lips:

“I think it’s a good idea. Your story is definitely worth being told, however you want it to be.”

Eddie nodded, and he supposed that Bill could guess what he was going to ask him. But his friend waited for him to formulate it, and Eddie knew he couldn’t just change the subject now. Even though it made him feel utterly nervous. A kiss on his cheek from Richie gave him the courage he needed, and Eddie managed to articulate his thoughts, typing on his lightwriter, keeping his gaze down:

“ _But I’m not a writer, and I don’t know how I should put it all on paper. Hence why I wanted to talk to you about all of that, Bill. I...”_

Eddie’s fingers hovered over his keys, his heart beating fast. He started to ramble, unable to ask his friend straight away something he felt was too much to demand of anyone:

“ _I know you’ve almost finished your next project and that you don’t really know what to write after that, for now. That you’ll have to wait for your publisher’s feedback and that it might take some time for it to happen. So, I was thinking...”_

Eddie gulped, a nervous hum coming out of his throat. He buried his face in Richie’s chest and finally managed to ask, mortified:

“ _Would you like to write my story?”_

Bill progressively understood what Eddie wanted to ask of him, but it didn’t make it any less shocking to hear. He needed a few seconds for it to fully sink in, and even more time to find his voice back and enunciating hesitantly:

“Eddie, I… I don’t know what t-to say. It’s...”

Eddie whined and typed quickly, while Richie shushed him gently and caressed his hair:

“ _You don’t have to say yes. Or to answer immediately either. It’s okay if you don’t want to. I’m sorry I even asked.”_

“No, no, don’t be! I...”

Bill massaged his neck, embarrassed. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down, knowing that his anxiety could prevent him from talking quite easily. It was a relief to know that his friends wouldn’t mock him in any way, that he didn’t have to get it all perfectly and quickly. He could take his time and mess it up a bit, it wasn’t such a big deal, after all…

“I just… I don’t know if I’m the ri… the ri… the good person for that. I… I only wrote horror novels. This… It’s real.”

Mike put his hand on Bill’s shoulder, squeezing it slightly. He always seemed to know what to do and to say to calm Bill’s anxiety. Eddie wished he could be as good as Mike when it came to that. Sometimes, he really didn’t know how to help his friend, as much as he wanted to…

“Eddie trusts you. He believes that you can put his story on paper better than anyone else could. And I agree with him.”

“But, I’m…! I… I don’t know.”

Bill lowered his head, his cheeks red with embarrassment. His friends believed in him, but he… he wasn’t sure he could pull it off. It was a big responsibility. Eddie’s story was complex, complicated, harsh. Could he even transcribe it how it deserved to be? Could he truly tell his friend’s story, his reality?

Mike raised his head, lifting his chin gently so that Bill would look at him. Eddie was always amazed when he noticed how comfortable his friends were becoming with each other. The way they would touch each other without thinking about it twice, how easily they could lose himself in any conversation they had…

And of course, there was the fact that they were sharing the couch during the night, something that Richie and Eddie noticed immediately, even though they tried to be discreet about it, Bill going back to Mike’s room early in the morning. Unfortunately for him, Eddie woke up early too, for his morning jog, and caught him in the act. He didn’t understand why Bill was so embarrassed about it, but, after he tattled to Richie and his boyfriend told him to not insist on the topic, Eddie dropped the subject.

He couldn’t see what was so awkward about all of that, but he didn’t want to risk annoying his friend, not when everything was going so well between them. So, Eddie didn’t comment on Mike and Bill’s sleeping habits, as much as he liked to do so. But he definitely noticed how comfortable they were with each other, in a way they weren’t with either Richie or himself.

Having Bill’s full attention, Mike proceeded to put his self-doubt and anxiety to rest, soothing him in his own special way that always seemed to be so efficient with his friend:

“Just think about it, alright? Eddie’s right, you don’t have to answer immediately. But if you do accept, you won’t be alone to do this. I’ll be happy to help, and I’m sure Richie would too.”

Richie nodded. His fingers lingered next to Eddie’s mouth, and his boyfriend started to suck on them, finding comfort in the gesture. Eddie didn’t feel guilty whenever he stimmed that way. He knew Richie didn’t mind and even invited him to do so, knowing that it soothed him. Eddie loved it, whenever he could stim with Richie. It was intimate, showing the trust they had for each other, growing more and more every day.

Eddie had expected Bill to ask for time to think about it more. He never imagined he would accept so quickly, his friend finally saying, an apologetic smile on his lips:

“A… Alright. After my draft is finished, we, um, we can start w-working on this. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, but… I’d like to try.”

It was more than Eddie could hope for. He was able to see how much Bill was doubting himself right now, thinking that he wasn’t the right person for this job, and yet, he was willing to do it. To accept his offer. Pulling out Richie’s fingers from his mouth gently, Eddie left the comfort of his boyfriend’s knees, reaching for Bill and hugging him tightly, joyfully humming.

Bill hugged him back after a little while, whispering to his ear:

“Thu-Thank you for trusting me with this. I won’t let you d-down.”

Eddie knew he wouldn’t. Even if it didn’t work in the end, at least, they would have tried. After his session with Dr. Park, Eddie had been utterly convinced that he needed to tell his own story too. That he couldn’t just accept to have only his mother’s version out in the wild, those lies that were still able to inspire someone else, no matter what happened.

There were probably lots of people like Myra. People who refused to see what was right in front of them, who’d rather hurt their autistic relative to get them to conform to some impossible ideal than to allow them to be happy in their own way. And people like Tate were suffering because of that.

Eddie wasn’t naive enough to think that his story could change the world. But if it inspired some people, even just one person, to change their ways, if it allowed someone to know that they weren’t alone and that they didn’t have to endure what they were going through, then it would be enough. Then it would mean something.

Eddie went through hell, for so long. His mother’s abuse, his first therapist that failed him in many ways, all those people who’d rather believe in his mom’s lies than to see the blatant, how miserable Eddie had been all this time… He managed to survive all of that, despite everything, and he was now on the long path to recovery. Putting it in words, sharing his version of his own story… Maybe that’s what he needed all along.

It would also be the biggest “fuck you” to his mom he could think of. Sonia Kaspbrak died despised, then forgotten, but if he could show everyone how abusive she had been, how much she hurt him… They might see her for who she truly was. And even if people might be convinced by other people’s lies, they wouldn’t believe hers again. Eddie’s story would erase her fantasy, forever.

And Eddie would be able to say goodbye to the Eddie he used to be. The Eddie she wrote in her books. The son she forced him to be. He didn’t believe that it would be a miracle, but he was convinced that it would help. That, perhaps, he wouldn’t be so inclined to regress to the child she wanted him to conform to, if he managed to tell his own, real story…

They didn’t start right away to write it. Bill still had to finish his own draft, and Eddie needed time to think back about his childhood, to remember those times he’d rather not think of. As much as he knew that it was necessary, that it would help him in the long run, it didn’t make it any less hard to deal with. More than often, he broke down during his sessions with Dr. Park, resorting to self-harm, his mind pushing him to his darkest corners and confusing the hell out of him, so that he wouldn’t have to suffer more than he already did.

It was safer to regress. Safer to go back to the Eddie that was so obedient, who knew that he had to be good and that he shouldn’t be bad, because his mom would punish him and stop liking him. It was simple to let himself go, to wait for the people he trusted to order him around, because they knew what to do, and he didn’t. Because he was stupid, and they weren’t.

Yet, progressively, he managed to tell things he never told before to anyone else. Not even to Richie. And it became easier, as time went by, to not retreat in his memories when he did so. To not let himself go. Because Eddie wasn’t in the wrong. Because he had been hurt, abused, and it wasn’t his fault. Because he was brave, braver than he thought he was.

Dr. Park helped, for sure, but everyone else around too. Richie, of course, supported him all the way through. He handled his crises patiently, was there for him whenever Eddie was regressed and needed to rely on him more than usual, and reminded him again and again that he was loved unconditionally. Mike and Bill were there too, filling Richie’s role whenever their friend wasn’t around or wasn’t in a good mental state to help Eddie properly. Eddie trusted them just as much as Richie.

And he could also count on Mr. and Mrs. Tozier. Maggie and Went were always happy to spend time with him, and they talked a lot, about Eddie’s teenage years, and all those months they spend together as a family. Maggie also talked about Sonia and how she used to be when they were young, giving Eddie a clearer picture of who his mother was and why she acted the way she did.

Outside of that, he was just glad to be with his family, to do all of the things he never got to do with his mother or his late father. Unfortunately, Maggie never met him, so she hadn’t been able to talk to Eddie about his dad. But Went was there, the fatherly figure Eddie desperately craved for all those years.

Mr. Tozier noticed his sudden interest in cars, that Eddie got from watching the racing movie “Days of Thunder” with Richie, and gladly spent time with him in his garage, explaining all sorts of things to a highly focused Eddie, fascinated by whatever Went showed him. He even took him for a drive once, in an empty parking lot, and Eddie had never been so happy than he had been this day. Went immortalized his smile at the end of the day, and it was still Richie and Maggie’s favorite picture of Eddie that they had.

All in all, Eddie was living his best life. It wasn’t without its challenges, but now, he knew that he didn’t risk ending up alone, that he could trust the people around him to stay, even in his hardest times. Richie, Mike, Bill, Went, Maggie, Liz, Greta, even the rest of the Losers, despite how far they were… They were there for him, in their own way, and Eddie felt loved in a way he had never been until he met Richie, all those years ago. Loved and cared for.

There was only one downside to all of this, and it was Tate. Eddie knew that Myra needed time to digest what happened, but he missed his friend, and he really wanted to see him again. He wished Myra would hold up her end of their bargain, that she would eventually accept for them to see each other. He needed to know that his friend was doing fine. That he knew that he deserved more than he had gotten from his sister and his family, all this time…

It was also for his friend that Eddie was so determined to write his own story. He hoped Tate would read it and get some comfort from it, knowing that he wasn’t alone. That Eddie understood his pain and what he went through. How much he loved Tate. Eddie didn’t know yet how he would tell his story, but he knew that he would dedicate it to Tate. To the friend he never thought he would get to have. To the person who could truly get him, in a way no one else could.

So, when Bill finished his draft and sent it to his publisher, finally satisfied with what he produced, Eddie was ready. Ready to share his own story. Prepared to look at the whole world, all the people who turned their back on him and basked in his mother’s lies, and tell them those words, simple and clean: _Listen to me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a lot happened during this chapter. Eddie writing his own story with Bill to help him was something I thought about very early in the writing of this series. It's a bit meta, because I'm myself autistic and writing a story about an autistic character (using parts of my own experience to do so). In-universe, Eddie's story has been told by his mother, in many ways, always full of lies. People formed their opinion about him without wondering how he felt about that, who he truly was, what he'd like to say about himself. So, that's Eddie's way of telling them all to listen to him, after all this time.
> 
> I did a little skip in this chapter, until Bill was ready to write Eddie's story. It allowed me to show how Eddie's life turned out after what happened, the support he got, how much his family and friends were there for him. And he was there for them too, especially Bill. 
> 
> We're getting near the end of this series, it's so weird to think about. Next chapters are going to display Bill and Mike's relationship, Richie's skit, Eddie writing his own story with Bill... There is still a lot to tell, to be honest. I hope you'll like it all c:. 
> 
> Thank you for your support. Don't hesitate to comment, I'd really like to know what you think about Eddie's evolution and his desire to tell his own story. You can also subscribe to this story/series and/or leave a kudos if you feel like it. 
> 
> Have a nice day! Take care and see you soon!


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 44th chapter! I hope you'll like it, I had a really nice time writing it c:.  
> I hope you're all doing okay! Thank you for your support, it really means a lot for me c:.
> 
> With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:
> 
> TW for internalized aphobia  
> TW for mention of biphobia  
> TW for mention of emetophobia  
> TW for internalized homophobia
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Richie smiled, listening to the smothered voices of Bill and his boyfriend’s lightwriter, while they were working in the living room, discussing passionately the book they were writing together. They were only at the beginning of what would be a long process, but Richie knew how much it would help them. Bill needed a purpose and to keep himself busy, now that his new book was finished, and Eddie had so many things he wanted to tell, after freeing himself from the constant burden that he was carrying.

Richie still had a hard time getting over what happened. The weight that Eddie had to carry for way too long, convincing himself that his love, as well as his friends’ and family’s affection, had to be earned and that he didn’t deserve it as of now…

It wasn’t something that Richie could just brush over, because Eddie was starting to get better and to recover. It didn’t stop being painful, thinking about how proud his partner had been when he said his name out loud, how much it asked of him to do so… And Eddie was genuinely ready to hurt himself constantly, because he thought that was the only way he’d be loved.

Richie talked about it with Dr. Norton, during his last sessions. That was almost the only thing he would discuss with him, obsessing over the idea, how guilty he felt, and how worried he was for what was yet to come. It wasn’t impossible that Eddie might start to feel those things again. To think that he was supposed to deserve their affection, rather than being aware of the fact that they loved him no matter what. That Richie would always love him, as much as he did now (or even more).

And it terrified Richie. Would he be able to see it? To help his partner in time, before it went too far? What would Eddie be ready to do, next time? And if there was another Myra in their future, waiting to use him, to hurt him? Richie could feel the temptation to overprotect Eddie coming back again, but he knew better than to fall for it. Dr. Norton reminded him clearly, he had to trust his partner. Trust that he was strong enough to get back up, again and again. Trust that he would come to him if needed.

So, Richie did his best to be the supportive, not smothering, presence Eddie needed him to be. He went back to work, enjoying the time he got to spend with his boss and his colleagues, as well as the customers, who appreciated his energy and his sense of humor. Speaking of which, Richie really needed to focus back on his skit.

He tapped his pen on the paper, sighing slightly. Now that his mind wasn’t (constantly) filled with anxiety over Eddie’s well-being, Richie had been able to focus back on his own writing, the short comedy skit he wanted to perform at the open-mic stage in his workplace. He managed to finish writing it, but he needed to polish it, and he was pretty unsatisfied with what he came up with. It didn’t feel funny. Or natural.

Richie was very tempted to just throw it all away, but he knew that Eddie would be upset if he did so. At some point, he read a short passage, no more than a throwaway line, to his boyfriend, and Eddie snorted while listening to it, a laugh that warmed Richie’s heart. Still, he couldn’t help, but wonder if it would make other people laugh as well… He wasn’t sure he could handle to face a dead silent crowd. This simple thought was enough to make him feel nauseous, and he grimaced, fighting his sensitive guts.

He wasn’t going to throw up, for fuck’s sake! If he did, Eddie would be concerned, and he wouldn’t be able to focus back on his work. It was important. Richie wasn’t going to deprive him of that. Maybe it was best to just walk it off a little. Breathe some fresh air. He left his notes on his desk while exiting his bedroom, not even bothering to order them. He was about to go out, putting his coat on, when Mike interrupted him, a soft smile on his lips:

“Mind if I join you?”

At first, Richie thought he needed some alone time, but now that Mike was making him this offer, he definitely couldn’t see a reason to refuse. Smiling back, he immediately answered, as if it had been the obvious thing to say all along:

“Don’t mind if you do! I can use the company.”

“Yeah, me too. Bill and Eddie are so into what they’re doing, it’s like the world around them just stop existing.”

Mike laughed, following Richie outside, adding with a cheeky grin:

“I asked Bill five different times if he’d rather have a mug of coffee or a tea, and he kept yessing, as if it clarified anything. It didn’t.”

Richie laughed too, picturing the situation quite well.

“Yep, that’s definitely our Bill. So, what did you do?”

“I brought Eddie a chocolate mug and some tea AND coffee for Bill. He’ll see what he wants to drink.”

“He’s going to drink both, you know that? Then he’s never going to sleep and you neither.”

Mike suddenly looked like he was going to choke, clearing his throat and telling with what he hoped was a calm voice (it wasn’t):

“I don’t see what you mean.”

Richie didn’t plan to dip his toes into this subject. He was more than aware of the fact that Mike and Bill shared the couch during the night, wondering why on earth they weren’t sleeping in Mike’s bed, but none of them seemed willing to acknowledge it. Mike kept going back to his own room very early, pretending that he slept there all along, but Eddie and Richie were well-aware of the truth.

Usually, Richie would gladly change the topic, not wanting to embarrass Mike any further, but it started to get tiring, and, even if it was slightly selfish of him, he needed to think about something else than his mediocre skit. So, for the first time, Richie actually insisted, poking Mike’s cheek with his index finger:

“Come on, Mike, you really think I don’t know that you keep hogging the couch? With Bill right next to you? You’re wounding my pride and my incredible cleverness, Mikey Mike.”

“As well as your humility, I guess.” Mike’s tone was drier than he intended it to be. He bit his bottom lip, before he added softly: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Richie shrugged at his words. It would be easy to avoid any possible conflict and drop the subject, but he didn’t want to. Mike obviously needed to discuss it all and, with how busy Eddie currently was and Bill being the subject of this very same conversation, Richie was probably the only person his friend could currently talk to. He wished Mike would have had a better choice, but, well, if he had to take on this mission…

“I think you should. It’s not like you have to be afraid of what I’ll be thinking about it. I’m the one who made his coming-out first, remember?”

Now that he said those words, Richie could barely believe that he managed to enunciate them out loud, in a very public place, where people could potentially hear him. And it didn’t stress him as much as he thought it would, as much as it would have if it happened a few months or weeks ago. So, what if they heard him? Would it be the end of the world? Sure, some might laugh, but who cared? The people that mattered accepted him, truly. It was the most important. It had to be.

Richie would lie if he pretended that he wasn’t anxious at all, but at least, his first reflex hadn’t been to use some cover-up to talk about his sexuality. He just said those words, plain and simple. His lips stretched into a smile at this thought. Things were definitely looking brighter…

“Anyway, I can see that you need to vent, and I’m right there for that. Plus, no Bill around, so he doesn’t risk to hear about it accidentally.”

“Alright, alright.” Mike sighed, massaging his neck. He looked definitely uneasy, and Richie hoped that he would relax a little, once he’d start talking. It wasn’t doing him any good, all those secrets he was keeping… “Bill and I, we… we do sleep together.”

Mike glanced at his friend and, Richie guessed, figured out the double entendre of his sentence, proceeding immediately to correct himself, with a somewhat embarrassed tone:

“No, no, I mean, not sleeping, _ sleeping _ together, just, uh, sharing the couch together. Platonically. Like… Like bros.”

In his defense, Richie actually tried not to laugh. He really, really tried. But the last word uttered by poor Mike was too much, and Richie found himself in stitches, unable to control his hilarity, while his friend looked mortified, hiding his face behind his hands. When he managed to calm down, Richie poked Mike’s temple to get his attention, a gentle and slightly trembling smile on his face:

“I’m sorry. I’m not mocking you, I swear. It’s just…”

Richie bit the inner part of his cheeks, before he managed to utter:

“Bros. Really?”

“Beep Beep, Richie.”

Richie could see that Mike was very tempted to say something more outrageous than his usual “Beep Beep”, so he dropped it and went back to the topic at hand, thinking carefully about his words for once:

“So, are you the one insisting on keeping the secret, or is Bill…?”

Richie let his voice trailed off, allowing Mike to answer, his gaze fixated on the ground:

“No, it’s… I guess it’s just something we decided, each on our own side. The first morning I woke up, I went back to my bed, and Bill didn’t say a thing about it. He even woke me up sometimes so that I would do it before you or Eddie saw us.”

“You never thought that he might want you to stay?”

Mike looked utterly confused by his words, and Richie knew the answer before he even said a thing. Of course, he didn’t. Richie had been too busy worrying about Eddie to take the time he needed to boost Mike’s ego, but now that things were going smoother, he was definitely going back to making sure that his friend knew how great he was.

“No, I mean… Why would he?”

And there it was. Mike’s weak self-esteem truly pained Richie, every time he was confronted with it. He didn’t know what to do to help. A few times, he suggested that Mike could see a therapist and talk about his issues, but he seemed reluctant for now. Probably because of his education, Richie couldn’t imagine Mike’s grandparents willing to talk about mental health and to see therapy as anything other than “a thing for crazy people”. Not that Mike shared their views, but it might still influence him in some way…

So, until Mike accepted that it would be good for him, Richie would do his best to ensure that his friend knew that he was worth way more than he thought he was:

“Why would he? I don’t know, maybe you’re making a fantastic body pillow, you look damn comfortable! Or perhaps he loves you, Mike?”

If Mike was drinking something, he’d probably choke on it right now. Instead, he looked like a puppy that Richie just kicked, and it made him feel guilty. He should try to be more subtle and delicate, even if it wasn’t exactly his forte…

“Sorry, I… I’m not messing with you, Mikey Mike, I swear. Just… It’s a possibility, you know.”

For Richie, it was more than just a possibility, but he was pretty sure that Mike would brush off everything that he might say. Bill had been living with them for a while now, and Richie saw the way he interacted with Mike. How naturally comfortable they were with each other. How he was always looking for his input, no matter what he was talking about. How much he was trying to boost Mike’s self-esteem, even more than Richie. And how casually they touched each other, like Richie and Eddie tended to do themselves…

He wasn’t acting with Mike the way he did with them. It was obvious to Richie and Eddie as well, who was definitely puzzled about the fact that they weren’t a couple yet. But Richie knew how much those things could be complicated… After all, he spent so long loving Eddie in secret, convinced that his feelings would never be returned, decided to keep his affection for himself for the rest of his life.

Mike was going through the same kind of turmoil that Richie did, and it was hard to witness. He couldn’t think that Bill might love him the same way he did. In his mind, it was completely impossible.

“It’s not what you think, Richie. Besides, it’s just temporary. Bill, he...”

Mike hesitated to say those words, but he finally relented, admitting in what was almost a whisper:

“He needs to get over his break-up with Audra, and he hasn’t yet. So, uh, he has trouble sleeping alone. That’s why I’m helping. But it’s not gonna last, and it’s not… If you or Eddie weren’t already sleeping together, he’d probably have gone to one of you.”

Richie didn’t want to think that Mike was dense, because he wasn’t, but it was so tempting right now. It was so obvious to him that Bill wouldn’t have sought anyone but Mike, regardless of their situation. And Bill was actually starting to get a lot better, when it came to his story with Audra. He could now watch a romantic movie without emptying a box of tissues and cursing the whole world, so that was definitely a step in the right direction…

“You’re reading too much into it, Richie. It’s not… He doesn’t love me like that.”

“Why not?”

Mike laughed unhappily, answering with a bitter tone:

“I’m pretty sure he’s straight, Richie.”

“Did he tell you that? Did he tell you those exact words? That he’s a rad straight dude who only wants to smash sweet pussy cats?”

“Richie!”

Mike looked around them, worried that anyone might have heard him, before he sighed, shaking his head:

“You’re so gross, sometimes, I swear. For fuck’s sake...”

“Sorry, I was trying to make you laugh.” Richie added in a whisper, a thought that he actually didn’t mean to express: “Guess I’m just a terrible clown.”

Mike raised an eyebrow at his words, and Richie grimaced, preventing him from changing the subject:

“But we’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you! And Bill! So, I repeat my question: did he tell you that he’s straight?”

“No, but… I mean, he… he dated Audra, you know?”

As if it changed a thing… Richie had a sad smile at Mike’s words, regretting how taboo it was to discuss sexuality. Without the LGBT center and its members, Richie would have remained ignorant about a lot of things…

“He can still be bisexual, you know? That’s a thing. Or maybe he’s gay, and he’s closeted, it can happen too. Or he could be pansexual.”

Mike looked deeply confused at the end of Richie’s sentence, probably unaware that any of that was even a possibility. Patting his friend’s shoulder, Richie promised him with a gentle smile:

“I’ll take you to the LGBT center very soon, I think it’ll help you greatly. Anyway, Bill doesn’t have to be straight because he fell in love with a woman. And it’s very much a possibility that he loves you.”

“I don’t… I...”

Mike was at a loss for words. He looked suddenly extremely tired, and Richie guided him to a nearby bench, so that they would both sit down and think it through. Mike had always been taller than Richie, who was already quite a giant, but right now, he seemed so small, so vulnerable… And Richie didn’t know how to help. 

“Mike, I don’t know how to convince you that you’re a great person and an awesome friend, but you are. And Bill definitely sees all of that. You’re always the first person he’ll look for, no matter what. Whether it’s to share with you his latest idea about his stories, show you a funny picture, or to cry about Audra or whatnot… You’re always his first.”

Mike glanced at Richie with a surprised gaze, pushing him to ask:

“You didn’t notice it?”

Mike bit on his bottom lip, his gaze focusing back on the ground. 

“No. I mean… Kind of? I guess? It’s just… We’re really good friends, that’s all.”

Mike could be quite stubborn in his denial, that was for sure. He didn’t even want to think that it might be possible. Probably because it would hurt too much, because he didn’t dare to ask, because he convinced himself that it wouldn’t happen. Richie knew all of that very well… Putting his hand on Mike’s shoulder, waiting for him to relax before letting his fingers rest where they were, he tried to reassure him, as much as possible:

“You know, I was in the same position as you, not so long ago. I really thought that Eddie would never return my feelings, that I might lose him over them. In the end, he was the one who took the first step and, as sweet as it was, I still wish sometimes that I would have found the courage to do so.”

Richie chuckled a bit, adding with a knowing smile:

“Bill is… I mean, he’s not very good with these things, you know? Remember Mel, when we were sixteen? The poor girl just kept throwing herself at him, and he didn’t see a thing. She could have carried a giant sign, proclaiming her romantic love for Bill Denbrough, and he still wouldn’t have understood a thing. Bless him, seriously.”

Audra had probably been the one to ask him out, if Richie had to guess. Richie couldn’t imagine Bill doing so, no matter how hard he tried. 

“I’m sorry to say that, but I think you’ll have to take the first step, or he’s just gonna keep thinking that you’re… you know...”

Richie shouldn’t laugh. He really shouldn’t laugh.

“… best bros. Dudes being dudes. Pals being pals.”

“I freaking get it, Richie, beep beep!”

Richie really needed to find his own “OFF” button, because he kept annoying Mike, when he was just trying to get him to laugh. Worst humorist ever, period. No wonder he hated what he wrote for his skit, if he couldn’t even be casually funny…

He apologized to Mike, who shook his head as if to say that it was okay. His friend then muttered, so low that Richie had to focus real hard to actually hear his words:

“It’s not like you with Eddie. It’s not that easy.”

Richie raised an eyebrow at his last word. Easy… He really thought that it had been easy? Before he had been able to say a thing, Mike seemed to realize that he used the wrong word and correct himself, truly mortified:

“No, not “Easy”, just… I...”

He looked around him, as if to check if anyone could hear them. Seemingly reassured, Mike managed to ask, bending his fingers in a nervous motion:

“When you think about Eddie, when you thought about him, you… hmm… what’s on your mind, it’s not… it’s not necessarily very catholic, right?”

“If you’re wondering if I’m horny for my partner at every hour of the day, it’s a “no”, Mike.” Richie chuckled, while Mike seemed worried that he might have offended him. He didn’t. “But it does happen, yeah. Especially when he wears those red shorty shorts. You know the ones I mean, right?”

“Uh, I suppose. I guess. I don’t know. So, you have these… thoughts for him. And he probably has the same kind of ideas about you, correct?”

Richie laughed out loud at Mike’s question. If Eddie fantasized about him? God, poor Mike really had no idea how much of a horny cute bunny his boyfriend was. More than Richie, actually. He was pretty sure that they would have sex all day long if Eddie could have his way and if his body wasn’t screaming for a break… Thankfully, Eddie was actually mindful of Richie’s boundaries and always accepted his “No”. He also regularly made sure that Richie actually wanted to do whatever they were about to do and would stop if he didn’t, no matter how much Eddie wished for it in the first place.

“Yeah, yeah, he does. What about it?”

Mike went quiet for a while, playing with his fingers, massaging his neck, and quickly shaking his leg. He was definitely nervous, Richie could see that. Even though he was tempted to talk, to let him know that he could say anything, Richie knew better than to trust his trashmouth at the moment and waited patiently, until Mike finally managed to say, refusing to look in the direction of his friend:

“I don’t… I mean… I want Bill, but I don’t want him. When I think about him, I… I don’t see all the things you see. Whatever they are. And it’s so damn confusing.”

Richie wasn’t sure he understood. He started to have an idea about what might confuse him, but he didn’t want to assume incorrectly or to overstep. 

“So, when you think about Bill, what do you see exactly?”

“I...”

Mike was definitely embarrassed. He wasn’t used to talking about this kind of thing, and it was really obvious.

“I… We’re… We’re bundled up in a pile of blankets, and we’re… we’re cuddling. We’re drinking tea, and we’re reading the same book. Or we’re walking together, and he’s holding my hand. We’re lying in bed, and we’re falling asleep, hugging each other. Sometimes...”

Richie kept his face straight, to not aggravate Mike’s embarrassment, but he definitely thought it was so damn cute. And he could honestly picture himself doing the same things with Eddie. In fact, they already slept in each other’s arms most of the time…

“Sometimes, it’s a bit more romanticized, I guess. Like in the books or in the movies. I… I don’t know if I want to talk about it...”

Richie poked Mike’s cheek so that he would look at him, offering him a reassuring smile:

“It’s fine, you don’t have to. I get the idea.”

“Thanks. I...” Mike sighed heavily, glancing at his hands, shaky with emotions. He was about to cry, and Richie wasn’t sure if he should try to prevent it. Maybe it was best to let it out… “I...”

The tears rolled on his face, while he admitted with a trembling voice:

“I… I think I’m broken, Richie. I don’t… I don’t want to… to have sex with Bill. I really don’t want to. So, even if he actually loves me, I...”

He hid his face in his hands, finishing his sentence in a sob:

“I can’t love him. I can’t.”

How long did he think about those things? Richie couldn’t tell, and it broke his heart. Mike kept this from anyone else and convinced himself that there was something wrong with him, because he couldn’t find anyone to relate to. Because he was persuaded that nobody could understand him, that he was the only one to experience this kind of thing. But he wasn’t.

“Mike, I… You’re not broken. And you love Bill, you love him like I love Eddie, it’s not because you don’t want to do some stuff with him that you love him any less. Heck, there are tons of stuff that I can’t do with Eddie, that I might never be ready for. And it’s fine.”

Richie reached for Mike’s hands, forcing them out of his face, holding them in his own. He squeezed them tightly and tenderly, trying to show him his support as much as possible.

“There’s a word for that, you know. And it’s not a sickness or anything like that. It’s… I think you might be asexual, Mike.”

Richie wished he looked more into the sexualities that weren’t his own, but he had been too focused on his own internalized homophobia to really do so. As a result, he barely brushed the surface, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to explain it to his friend as much as he would need to. Mike was flabbergasted, looking at him as if he just spoke in tongues. But Richie only shared what he knew, which wasn’t a lot, unfortunately.

“I… We’re definitely going to the LGBT center in the next few days, but I guess I can explain it to you a little. Some people are asexual, which means that they don’t want to have sex, but they might still fall in love. They experience romantic attraction, not sexual. For example, I...”

Richie couldn’t help but look around him, and he admonished himself mentally for doing so, saying the rest of his sentence in a lower tone:

“I’m homoromantic and homosexual. Eddie’s still figuring things out, but if you asked him, he’d probably say that he’s Richie-romantic and Richie-sexual. Very much Richie-sexual, actually.”

His sentence managed to get a chuckle out of Mike, and Richie felt proud for doing so.

“So, you’re attracted romantically to Bill, but not sexually. And it’s fine.”

Mike sniffled, asking as if he couldn’t believe it:

“It’s… It’s fine?”

“Yeah.”

Richie let go of his friend’s hands, putting his arm over his shoulder and hugging him. God, Mike must have felt so alone and misunderstood, all this time… If only he had been able to get him to talk earlier…

“Yeah, it’s fine. Of course, it’s fine.”

They remained like that, in silence, for a little while, until Mike questioned Richie shyly, even slightly ashamed:

“But if Bill… If Bill loves me, not just romantically… What… Should I…?”

“No!”

Richie almost screamed his word, and they definitely got some people’s attention this time. He cleared his throat, blushing, before he repeated, less loudly:

“No. You… Never force yourself to do anything. Never. Not when it comes to that. If Bill indeed loves you, he won’t care about that. And if it’s a deal-breaker for him, then you can definitely do much better than Big Bill, trust me on that. I’m sure a lot of the people at the LGBT center will think that you’re a snack and would love to read and drink tea with you.”

Mike’s smile was weak, but it was there, at least. Unfortunately, Richie couldn’t help him much more, but he hoped that meeting people who could truly relate to his feelings might do the trick. It really helped Richie anyway. Meeting Liz and befriending her did wonders for him. He should probably give her a call, see if she would be up to come with them. Maybe Greta could be there too.

“Thanks, Richie… I… Thank you.”

Richie shook his head with a smile. Mike didn’t have to feel grateful. He was his friend. Of course, Richie was here for him. Drying his tears, rubbing his eyes, Mike took a deep breath, managing to say with a less shaky voice:

“So… Don’t think I forgot you being all self-deprecating. What’s up with that?”

Richie grimaced. But after Mike had been so honest with him, he couldn’t just stay silent. It wouldn’t be fair to him. And it would probably be more helpful if he talked about his problems rather than keeping them to himself. Eddie was definitive proof of that. 

“It’s… I actually finished my skit.”

“That’s awesome, Richie!”

Mike’s genuine and big smile warmed Richie’s heart.

“Yeah, I guess, but I started to re-read it and… and it’s bad. Like, really bad.”

Richie cringed at the thought. People wouldn’t laugh, that was for sure. He was going to ridicule himself, in front of his boss, of his colleagues, probably his friends and Eddie, because they’d want to be there and…

Richie started to heave audibly, and Mike let out an impulsive “Wow!” before he began to massage his back, attempting to calm him down:

“It’s fine, alright? It’s fine. I… If you want to, I’ll read it with you, and we’ll see how it is, okay? I’ll be honest with you.”

“Promise?” Richie took a deep breath, trying to keep his guts under his control. “Even if it’s shitty?”

“I’ll be brutally sincere, Richie. I swear.”

And he knew that Mike would be. Even if he was usually gentle. He gave him his word, and Richie trusted him. He always trusted him.

“O… Okay.”

Mike nodded with an encouraging smile, and they walked back home. Bill and Eddie were still working on their book, and, as Mike guessed it, Bill drank from the two mugs he got for him. He chuckled at the sight, while they were both too invested in their talk to notice that Mike and Richie came back. Did they even see that they were out? Richie couldn’t tell.

They went to Richie’s room, Mike immediately flipping through his notes. And it really helped, having his friend’s opinion. He laughed out loud at some of his stuff, pointed out a few sentences that could use a rewriting, even suggested ideas that Richie found genuinely hilarious. They spent the whole afternoon on it, and, at the end of the day, Richie felt ready. Ready to rehearse it and perform. Perform in front of a whole audience… Oh god!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started to write about Richie's stress over his skit, I didn't think I would end up writing about Mike's internalized aphobia, but here we are! I think Mike really needed to talk about it all and, even if Richie is not as educated as he'd like to be on the topic, he still tried to help c:. I think it was very important for him to talk with Mike about consent and how important it is. So many times, allosexual people (people who aren't asexual in general) will think that asexual people should just "give it a try" or "make an effort for their partner" or whatnot, and it's a very, truly toxic idea. 
> 
> Richie knows what it's like to not be ready for this stuff, even if he's not asexual, so he's really dedicated to making sure that Mike won't force himself to do anything. And when Mike starts to feel better about himself, his first reflex is, of course, to care about his friend, because that's how they all are. It's just so endearing to write them all c:.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts about Mike and Richie's conversation. You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it, as well as subscribe to this story/series.
> 
> Have a nice day! Take care and see you soon!


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 45th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you're doing okay. My break is almost over, unfortunately, so I'll have to go back to work next week :c. I had such a good time at home, taking all the time I wanted to write, but guess I have to go back at some point. I'll keep updating as usual, I just hope I won't feel too tired to do so. 
> 
> Thank you all for your support c:. I hope you'll like this chapter. Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for emetophobia  
> TW for internalized ableism
> 
> I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Eddie knew that Richie asked him to be left alone. That he should probably wait at the table with everyone else for him to come on stage and perform his skit. But the stress was gnawing his guts and mind, and he couldn’t just sit there, sipping on his drink, when he was sure that his boyfriend needed someone to support him. That he needed him.

Today was the big day. Richie was supposed to go on the open-mic stage and play the part that he had finally managed to write, hoping to get laughs from his audience. Eddie had no doubt that he would succeed, but he was well aware that Richie didn’t have this kind of confidence when it came to himself. He had handled his self-doubt for the last few days, doing his best to help his partner relax and let him know how funny he was.

Eddie wasn’t just trying to flatter or reassure him. He truly thought that Richie was hilarious, to the point that he could barely pretend not to be amused by his boyfriend’s antics, even when he was pulling off his worst puns or his raunchiest jokes. No matter what, he always managed to get a laugh out of Eddie or, even worse, to make him snort, unable to prevent himself from doing so. He only got a glimpse of Richie’s text (his boyfriend wanted to keep it a surprise), but what he read was definitely laugh-worthy, and Eddie couldn’t wait to see his partner perform it all.

But right now, Richie needed him, even if he pretended that he didn’t. He had been in the bathroom way too long, and Eddie was started to get worried. Richie was supposed to be on stage in ten minutes or so, and if he wasn’t, they’d have to skip him. Eddie knew how disappointed Richie would be, if he didn’t manage to do so. Eddie? Eddie would only support him. And show him that he believed he could do it, if he was willing to give it another try later.

Just like he feared it, Eddie was greeted with an awful sound, someone puking his lungs out. He heaved a little, trying to remain calm and to keep control of his guts. If he started to throw up as well, it would only get worse, and Richie would use this opportunity to cancel his skit. Eddie took a deep breath, knocking at the door, letting out a soft whine.

“E… Eds?”

His voice was rough and coarse, which wasn’t surprising. Good thing that Eddie came with a water bottle. Richie fumbled a little, before he managed to get on his feet and open the door, glancing at his partner with a tired look. Eddie handed him the bottle, and Richie thanked him, gulping part of its content, before he finally said:

“I… I told you that I’m handling it.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow at his words, an expression full of disbelief on his face. He pulled his lightwriter, typing quickly on it:

“ _You didn’t even flush the toilet, talk about handling it! Do it, I’m not staying in a bathroom filled with puke.”_

Richie chuckled weakly at his words, obeying his boyfriend so that he wouldn’t trigger his germaphobic side any further, before he went to the nearest sink, attempting to clean his face a little. Eddie joined him soon afterward, massaging his back tenderly, letting out a worried whine. Richie popped a chewing-gum in his mouth, before he turned his face towards Eddie, a trembling smile on his lips:

“It’s gonna be okay.”

Eddie wasn’t sure if Richie tried to convince him or if it was more for himself. He nodded at his words, typing on his lightwriter:

“ _Of course, it’s going to be okay. You’re going to blow their minds.”_

“Right now, I’d rather blow you, Eddie Spaghetti.”

Eddie looked at Richie silently, trying unsuccessfully to hide his smile, while his boyfriend let him know, as if it wasn’t obvious:

“It’s a sex joke.”

“ _I know it is, dipshit. I’m being serious here!”_

Despite the little voice in his head telling him not to get closer to Richie, when he just threw up not so long ago, Eddie kissed his cheek quickly, guiding his boyfriend so that he would look at him, giving him his full attention.

“ _I know it’s stressful. But I also know that you can do it, Richie. I believe in you.”_

“What if they don’t laugh?”

Richie sounded incredibly vulnerable at this moment. Behind all his bravado, he was still struggling with his self-esteem, unable to have any trust in his skills. His mind was probably flooded with every possible way his skit could go wrong, not even thinking about how it could go _right._ Eddie had been right to go join him, rather than let him wallow in his own doubt. Would he even have left the bathroom stall he was in, if Eddie didn’t knock at the door in the first place? He wasn’t sure of that…

Eddie caressed his partner’s face, trying to show him his support. He needed to be strong for his boyfriend. To be the person he could rely on, that would give him back his courage, the will to perform, despite his overwhelming fear. Eddie took a deep breath. He didn’t want to mess it up. Richie needed him, right now.

“ _And what if they laugh, uh?”_

Eddie took his boyfriend’s hand in his, playing with his fingers, using his free hand to type and add:

“ _You’re funny, Richie. Really. You know that, right?”_

Richie nodded hesitantly, as if he wasn’t sure he believed it. In any other situation, his partner would have probably pretended that he was the funniest people on Earth and that no one understood his genius, but right now, Richie couldn’t even bring himself to brag jokingly about himself. His anxiety was paralyzing him, and it wasn’t good. If he were to freeze on stage, Eddie couldn’t tell what would happen…

“ _I know that you can do it. You worked so hard on your skit, Richie. I saw it, even if you thought that I was too focused on my own work to do so.”_

“I didn’t...”

Richie sighed, biting on his fingernails. His hands were shaking, Eddie could feel it through the one he was holding. He squeezed it tenderly, before bringing it back to his face, rubbing it gently against his cheek. Richie was quick to cup it, as if it was right where his fingers belonged all along.

They hadn’t been able to see each other a lot, recently. Richie was focused on his job and his skit, as well as helping Mike figuring out his own feelings, while Eddie was dedicated to his book, working hard with Bill to get the words out coherently. It was exhausting, to say the least. Diving deep into his memories, whether they were bright or painful, trying to string them into something understandable, when some of them were so confusing, courtesy of his trauma… It was really demanding, and Eddie didn’t always have the energy to be there for Richie, when he wished he could.

But now, he was completely focused on his partner, making sure that he was okay. That he would be able to perform, knowing that Richie truly wanted to be able to do so. Eddie gave a quick glance to his watch. They didn’t have much time left… Eddie put his hand over Richie’s, giving him a small piece of advice:

“ _Just look at us while you’re performing. If you start feeling nervous, look at us, and you’ll see that we’re there for you. I’m so proud of you, Richie.”_

Eddie hugged his partner tightly, whining supportively, hoping that he had been able to calm him, at least a little. Richie didn’t run back to the bathroom stall yet, so it was already something, right? Eddie had to believe in him. If he didn’t, Richie wouldn’t either, he knew it. An idea popped in his mind and, winking at his boyfriend, he added, with a cheeky grin on his lips:

“ _Besides, if you manage to go through your whole skit, I’ll be the one to blow you. All day long, if you wish me to.”_

Richie’s cheeks reddened at his words, but Eddie got a genuine laugh out of him. Spitting his chewing-gum in the nearest trash can, Richie then ruffled his partner’s hair, smiling widely:

“You always know how to motivate me, Eddie Spaghetti. I’ll take you up on your offer, for the whole day. You won’t even be able to close your mouth at the end of the day.”

Richie whispered in Eddie’s ear, making him snort at his antics:

“When we’ll see my dad at his cabinet, tell him that you dislocated your jaw because you ate a big wiener. I’m sure he’ll convince himself that you’re talking about some hot-dog.”

Eddie let out an indignant “Iiie!”, but he was unable to stop himself from laughing, thinking about poor Went’s face if they were to do that. God, Richie could be so gross, sometimes! And yet, Eddie was laughing…

“ _See? You’re real funny, Richie. Now, go on stage and show us what you’re made of!”_

Eddie was tempted to kiss his partner on the lips, even after what he did in the bathroom, but instead, he took both of his hands in his own and squeezed them tightly, hoping that he’ll keep that supportive feeling with him. Now, it was up to Richie. Eddie hoped that he would be able to perform, even if he wasn’t at the top of his game. It was only his first performance, after all…

Eddie went back to the table, trying to keep his anxiety under control. He wished he could do more for Richie, but right now, he just had to wait and see. At this hour of the night, the pub was packed, and it was quite noisy. Eddie hoped people would be more silent, once Richie would be on stage. They seemed to do so every time someone performed, but what if they didn’t? Right now, Eddie was already struggling to hear what his friends had to say, Mike asking him with a concerned voice:

“Is he okay?”

Eddie bit on his bottom lip, glancing at the stage. He could see Richie walking towards it, long and nervous strides, probably repeating his text in his head one more time. God, he hoped he was…

“ _I think so. He’s going to be fine.”_

Now, he was the one that had to be reassured… Liz, who was sitting next to Eddie, smiled at him, handing him a glass full of lemonade:

“I’m sure he is, Eddie. Now, deep breaths, we don’t want you to get worked up, right?”

Eddie nodded, focusing on his breathing for a few minutes, until Richie got on stage. The next few seconds were the longest in his life, a brief instant of pure silence, during which Richie didn’t seem what to do with himself. Until his gaze landed on Eddie, and his lips stretched into a genuine smile. Then, Richie managed to pull out the words he wrote, one by one. He talked a bit too quickly at first, but then he found his rhythm and seemed a lot more assured.

Eddie couldn’t stop laughing. He was literally struggling to get through his drink, threatening to spit it out at any moment. Maybe because it was all so damn relatable… It was their life that Richie was joking about. How they used to be when they were teens, surviving through high school, their still young brain convincing them that the stupidest things to do were also the greatest to accomplish.

At some point, he snorted loudly, unable to prevent himself from doing so, and it managed to make everyone else laugh. Not that they needed to force themselves a lot, Richie was damn funny on his own… He didn’t have to fear a moment of silence, because even when he was the only one to do so, Eddie was laughing, giggling, snorting, his boyfriend’s humor hitting him hard. Maybe he was starting to lose it a little, after experiencing so much anxiety over telling his own story and trying to be there for Richie, but Eddie definitely never laughed that much in his life.

His sides hurt, but it was a good thing. Richie was literally shining on stage, glancing at him here and there, delighting in Eddie’s hilarious response to his jokes. Their friends appreciated the show too, but they were definitely not as expressive as Eddie could be. Greta was looking at him from time to time, as if to ask if Eddie was okay, but he was fine. He was just… he was just really happy. And amused.

Richie finished on a dick joke (because he had to, obviously), and the customers clapped and cheered for him, so much that Eddie had to put his hands over his ears, whining at the sound. Now that it was over, he suddenly felt really, really tired, and everything seemed blurry. He didn’t notice it immediately, because Eddie was so focused on Richie’s skit to think about anything else, but he definitely went past his own limits a while ago.

Eddie managed to pull off a smile, while his partner sat next to him, a long sigh coming out of his throat. God, why was he feeling so bad, all of a sudden? It seemed to be just fine until then! But it wasn’t. Eddie only managed to forget about it a little, because he focused entirely on Richie, at his own expense.

Resting his chin on his open palm, Eddie tried to listen to his boyfriend, having troubles to make out the words that he was saying:

“… messed up that part. I forgot to say one thing, and my pun didn’t make any sense anymore.”

“Richie, c-come on!” Bill shook his head, a knowing smile on his lips. “No one noticed it. You were guh-great.”

“I always knew you were a clown, Tozier.” Greta grinned cheekily, looking for her girlfriend’s hand under the table. “I guess you can be funny. Sometimes.”

“Coming from you, it’s probably the greatest compliment I could have ever gotten. Thank you, Grumpy Bear.”

“Fuck off, Richie!”

Eddie really wanted to compliment his partner too. To tell him how proud he was of him, enjoy the rest of the night with his friends, celebrate Richie’s success… But he couldn’t even make out the words. Glancing at his lightwriter, his fingers hovering over the keyboard, Eddie was clueless, unable to string his confusing thoughts in anything slightly coherent. He just had to pretend it was okay. That he was perfectly fine. Even if he wasn’t.

Every noise felt like a punch to his ear-drum. The smallest scent was perceived by his sensitive nose and made him want to gag. And his clothes… They seemed scratchy, awfully irritating, he wanted them off! He… He…

Eddie suddenly felt arms hugging him tightly, oh so tightly. He felt himself relaxing in the physical touch, melting into it, while Richie whispered to his ear, very low, but still too loud for Eddie’s liking:

“Are you alright?”

Eddie reflexively nodded, because he didn’t want to bother his partner, not when he should have fun and let out some steam. Yet, Richie took one good glance at him and helped him up, telling the others:

“I’ll drink to it tomorrow! Right now, I’m exhausted. Have fun, guys!”

Thankfully, none of them insisted on him staying, and Richie led Eddie to their car. He had to support most of his weight, Eddie’s legs threatening to collapse under him. A pained whine escaped his lips when Richie turned on the engine, and he apologized, holding Eddie’s hand and squeezing it firmly.

“Only a few more minutes, alright? We’ll be home soon.”

Eddie moaned at his words. He didn’t want to go back to their flat, he wanted Richie to join everyone else and have fun! Why was he always ruining everything? He was enjoying Richie’s skit, having a good time, why did it go so wrong, suddenly? A thought came to his mind, and tears rolled down his cheeks at this idea: maybe he would never be able to truly enjoy Richie’s performances, if it was something he was willing to do again.

Too much noise, the lights, the scents, everyone around… Eddie couldn’t bear it for long, it asked a lot from him and… and when it was over, he was a mess. A mess that needed to be taken care of. He shouldn’t have to. It was Richie’s night. Not his.

Noticing his tears, Richie guessed the kind of thought that Eddie was having and, parking the car, he helped him up the stairs, letting him know with a soft voice:

“It’s okay, Eds. We’re gonna take a nice shower, and I’ll prepare you hot cocoa to drink in bed.”

Eddie moaned, shaking his head weakly. It was disgusting. What if he spilled it all on their blanket? What then? He wasn’t going to sleep in dirty sheets, and he was pretty sure that he was completely unable to help Richie to make the bed, as of now. Once the door was closed on them, Richie took off Eddie’s coat, kissing his forehead:

“Don’t diss it before you try it, Eds. Come on, let’s take this shower.”

At this point, Richie was carrying him more than Eddie was holding his own weight. He seemed so out-of-touch with his body, it was so weird and awkward. Attempting to undress, Eddie had to accept that he couldn’t do it all alone, and Richie helped him, all the while reassuring him tenderly:

“It’s alright, Eddie Spaghetti. You know I love taking off your clothes. It’s like unwrapping the best gift I ever had, every time.”

Eddie felt relieved, once his clothes weren’t touching his skin anymore. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes while Richie was washing his hair. His hands were so soft and cautious, making sure that Eddie wasn’t feeling uncomfortable while he was being taken care of. Richie smiled at his relaxed expression, risking a quick kiss on his lips, before he told him, keeping his voice low:

“You really made my night, Eddie. Your laughter, it was everything. Thank you.”

Eddie bit on his bottom lip at his words, as if he couldn’t quite believe him. Richie only had the time to perform, before he had to go home and take care of him. If Eddie was truly a good boyfriend, he would have been able to suck it up and allow Richie to have his fun. Instead, he forced him to drop everything, as if he wasn’t already dedicating too much of his time to Eddie…

Clumsily, Eddie managed to sign, casting his gaze down afterward:

_I’m sorry._

Richie raised an eyebrow at his words, visibly confused. Their shower finished, he proceeded to warm up Eddie with a towel, while reassuring him:

“Don’t apologize, Eds. I know that it was a lot for you, the pub. It’s such a ruckus in there, even I’m getting tired of it at some point. Trust me, I’d rather be here with you and finish this night quietly with a chocolate mug and a big hug, than to be back at the bar and know that you’re not having a good time.”

Eddie knew that. He knew all of that, but… but he still felt guilty. He was holding back Richie, and he knew it. If he wasn’t… If he wasn’t so Eddie, Richie would have been able to enjoy his night out. Allowing his boyfriend to help him in his pajamas, Eddie whined sadly, getting Richie’s attention:

“Iiie...”

Richie glanced back at him, caressing his cheek with a worried expression. He handed Eddie his lightwriter, asking him with a soft voice:

“Can you use your words, right now? It’s okay if you don’t.”

Eddie was having a hard time translating his confused thoughts, but he attempted to. Slowly, he managed to type, keeping his phrasing simple, hoping that it would still make sense:

“ _Ruined it. Wish I wasn’t Eddie.”_

Richie froze at his last sentence. He cupped Eddie’s cheeks tenderly, looking at him very seriously:

“Well, I don’t wish that. Because I love Eddie, every part of Eddie. And you should too, because he’s pretty awesome. I think he’s the greatest.”

Richie winked at him, adding jokingly:

“Well, maybe if you were less of a clean-freak...”

As if he was worrying that Eddie might not get his sense of humor at the moment, he quickly added, kissing his boyfriend’s nose tip:

“No, seriously, I love you, Eddie. And thank god, you’re actually caring about keeping our room scrubbed and spotless! If it were me, I think we would be buried under a pile of dirty clothes.”

Eddie had a disgusted face at the thought, and Richie chuckled, holding his hand in his own:

“Come on, I’m going to tuck you in bed, and I’ll come back real quick with our mugs. Alright?”

Eddie hesitated, but he finally relented, accepting Richie’s offer. He just had to be real careful and not spill it out… Richie helped him to slide under the blanket, his lips stretched into a permanent smile. Eddie grabbed his boyfriend’s sleeve when he started to leave, getting what he wanted all along: reassuring words, telling him that he would be back immediately, and a kiss on his lips.

Eddie sighed, resting his head against the pillow, glancing at the ceiling. He was so tired… But his thoughts were too agitated to manage to find sleep right now. And he needed Richie’s arms, wrapping him up tenderly, reminding him that he was loved. Even though he ruined their night…

Just as he promised, Richie came back fast, putting their mugs on the nightstand, snuggling against Eddie before handing him his cup. It was lukewarm, the perfect temperature for him. He couldn’t drink or handle touching something too hot, and Richie knew it. He knew him to a T, and Eddie was deeply flattered. He hummed softly, sipping slowly from his mug, the sweet taste and the warmness of his drink relieving him slowly of his anxiety.

“You know, I almost blew it all. On stage.”

Eddie glanced at Richie, who was tapping on his mug in a nervous motion. He seemed so assured, though, once he started to talk. Completely in his element. Eddie would have never been able to do such a thing, he was sure of that…

“I grabbed the mic, and my mind went completely blank. I started to sweat real hard, and I really thought I was going to throw up.”

Richie looked back at Eddie, his eyes full of love and adoration, as if his partner was his whole world. Eddie blushed at the thought, focusing on his drink to keep his emotions under control:

“But I saw you. You were looking at me so intently, never glancing anywhere else. I could have lost myself in your gaze. I almost did.”

Richie chuckled a bit, thinking back to this moment.

“But it helped. For a second, I forgot about everyone else, and the words spilled out. Then, I was on a roll, and I knew it was going to be fine. Every time I started to get nervous, you were laughing or snorting or whatnot, and I couldn’t doubt myself anymore. You made me brave, tonight, Eddie. Thank you so much.”

Richie kissed his temple, and Eddie let out an embarrassed whine, not knowing how to accept his compliments. His boyfriend chuckled, and, keeping his voice low and soft, he chatted about pretty much everything he could think of, doing his best to keep Eddie’s bad thoughts at bay. And he succeeded. Eddie listened to him until his brain couldn’t make sense of any word he was saying, until his hand couldn’t hold his mug anymore. Richie cautiously put it back on the nightstand, along with his own cup, before he greeted Eddie in his arms, wrapping his curled up body tenderly.

“Sleep well, Eds. I love you.”

Eddie mumbled something unintelligible, probably wanting to say that he loved him too, but he was too far gone to realize that he couldn’t use his voice to word it understandably. Soon, he was snoring, lulled by the sound of Richie’s heartbeat. Maybe he didn’t ruin it all, in the end...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the beginning of this chapter literally 5 times before I managed to find the way I wanted to write it. I really wanted to show Eddie reacting to Richie's show and having to accept his own limits. His experience with Myra forced him to take a step back, but Richie is always ready to reassure him, to let him know that it's okay if he can't handle it, that he shouldn't have to push himself endlessly. All that mattered to Richie was that Eddie was there for him when he needed him. He doesn't care at all about the rest of the evening, as long as he knows that Eddie is doing okay c:.
> 
> I hesitated a while about Richie's skit, but in the end, I think it's best to leave it to your imagination. What's important is that it made Eddie and lots of other people laugh and that Richie managed to get his piece out, in spite of his anxiety. So, there's that c:.
> 
> Thanks again for your support! I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to comment, I'd love to know your thoughts on the way Eddie and Richie handled this complicated evening c:. You can also leave a kudos if you feel like it, as well as subscribe to this series/story.
> 
> Have a nice day! Take care and see you soon!


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay c:. I'm handling work better than I thought for now, so that's good news :D. I had a really good time writing this chapter, so I hope you'll appreciate it. Thank you all for your support!
> 
> Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for self-harm  
> TW for infantilization  
> TW for ableism  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of emetophobia
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Bill knew that it was bound to happen. The deeper they dug into Eddie’s past, the tenser it became. His friend had to confront things he wasn’t ready yet to face, and Bill… Well, Bill had to hear him say some pretty infuriating things. And God, Eddie could be obstinate sometimes!

As patiently as he could, Bill repeated once again, his fingers tapping nervously on one side of his laptop:

“No, Eddie, it’s not your fault. And I… I already told you why.”

He wasn’t able to understand how Eddie could still believe that anything that his mother or his ex-therapist might have done or said to him might be something that he deserved somehow. Especially given how far he came on his path to recovery… And yet, he did, and he insisted that Bill wrote the situation the way he perceived it, despite the fact that he was clearly not at fault.

Eddie rolled his eyes at his words, an annoyed noise slipping past his lips, while he was typing on his lightwriter:

“ _It is! If I didn’t obey in the first place, if I kept on fighting instead of giving up so quickly, things would have been way different.”_

“You’re thinking that buh-because your mother messed with your head, Eddie. You did what you had to. I’m pretuh-tty sure Richie thinks the same. And your therapist too.”

Eddie bit his bottom lip, agitating his legs. Bill knew that their discussion was about to get quite heated, but he didn’t want to concede it. Eddie wanted to tell his story, but if he put into words what his mother forced him to believe, it wouldn’t be his anymore. Bill sighed, massaging his temples. It wasn’t the first time they had that discussion, far from it, but right now, Eddie was being stubborn and refused to acknowledge that he was in the wrong.

He was getting tired of explaining the same things again and again. What they were doing was already exhausting, Bill diving into a world he never thought he had to explore, but if Eddie closed himself like that, they wouldn’t get far… 

“ _It’s my story! I lived it! You don’t know what you’re talking about!_ ”

“I know that you’re not thu-thinking clearly, Eddie. And that I won’t write this p-part if you want to keep it like that.”

Eddie couldn’t remain seated anymore. He stood up, pacing furiously in the living room, typing on his lightwriter the same damn words that Bill already heard too much today:

“ _It’s my story!”_

“You asked me to help you, Eddie.” Bill took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice low and steady. If he started to scream, it would only get worse… “And that’s what I’m doing. It’s not your fault, and… and I’m not gonna write that it is.”

Eddie stomped his foot, his angry humming turning into a full whine. Bill hid his face in his hands for a short moment, feeling a terrible weight on his shoulders. God, he couldn’t bear it anymore… They were running in circles for way too long already, and Bill could feel a headache pounding his poor brain. He knew that he should ask for a break, that it would be best if they just stopped talking about that altogether, but he couldn’t let Eddie think for one more second that it was his fault.

“ _It’s my story! My story!”_

Eddie’s face was turning red, his fists tightly closed, his feet stomping the ground here and there, as if it helped in any way, as if it would convince Bill to change his mind. Eddie’s whining was getting on his nerves, as well as the noise that he was making. Bill was pretty sure that their unfortunate neighbors would come knocking at the door real soon if Eddie didn’t calm down, and he didn’t know what to do.

“Eddie, puh-please, let’s just drop it for now, alright? We’ll talk about it when you’re calmer.”

Apparently, it was the wrong thing to say, because Eddie became even more agitated, his hands gripping his hair violently, his whine getting even louder. Bill attempted to stop him, but his friend kept avoiding him, even screaming at some point:

“No, no, no!”

Bill didn’t know what to do, and despite himself, he finally lost his temper, grabbing Eddie’s hands to forcibly stop him from pulling on his hair. He spoke before thinking about his words, something that he would regret deeply not even a second later:

“Just s-stop this fuh-fucking tantrum already, Eddie!”

Bill knew that it was the worst thing he could have said. He knew it immediately, but it was too late. Eddie’s eyes widened at his words, his fight ceasing, his mouth agape, as if he couldn’t believe what he just heard, coming from his friend. Bill let go of Eddie’s wrists, staying still and quiet for a minute too long, before he managed to move, attempting to take a step closer towards his friend:

“E… Eddie, I’m so…”

Too close, he was too close. Suddenly, Eddie pushed him back, so violently that Bill’s head knocked against the wall behind him, and he saw stars for a few seconds, his skull throbbing painfully. Realizing what he just did, torn between the anger he felt against his friend and the shame flooding him after his violent retort, Eddie went back to screaming, hitting his head with his fists closed. It’s at this moment that Mike and Richie came back home, after taking Gnocchi to the vet to get her ears examined.

While Mike quickly put their cat in his bedroom, Richie ran to Eddie, hugging him tightly, trying to get him to focus on his voice and his soft touch, rather than the thoughts that were currently crossing his mind. Bill, confused by the shock, came back to his senses, looking at Richie and Eddie with a distressed gaze:

“I… I didn’t mean to… I...”

His words remained stuck in his closed-up throat, unable to bear Richie’s furious look any longer. Mike came back to join him, pulling on his sleeve:

“I think we should head out for a while. We’ll come back later, Richie, Eddie.”

“But…!”

Mike shook his head at Richie’s weak opposition, pointing at Eddie, who was still struggling in his friend’s arms:

“Eddie needs you, Richie. Now’s not a time for a fight.”

And Eddie needed him, that was for sure. He already started to slip up quite severely, letting out a long and drawn out “Mo”, calling for the woman that hurt him so much all those years… Bill let himself be guided by Mike, his brain stuck on the hurtful words that he had for his friend, and his reaction to them.

He knew it, for fuck’s sake! He knew how difficult it was for Eddie, that he needed to be patient, but he still fucked up! Bill struggled not to cry, feeling that he didn’t deserve to be comforted, when he caused this mess in the first place. He put on his shoes mechanically, almost forgetting to tie them up, following Mike outside. Bill didn’t even know where they were going, he was relying on his friend, trusting him wholly at this moment.

He didn’t even notice the path they took in the first place, or he would have guessed earlier where Mike led him. A soft “Oh” slid out of his lips, when he recognized their tea room.

“I figured you needed a familiar and quiet place. Are you okay?”

Bill was still groggy, his head pounding hurtfully, but he nodded, not wanting to worry Mike any further. He visibly failed, his friend raising an eyebrow at his quiet answer, before he guided him to their table, getting him to sit.

Mike ordered Bill’s favorite tea and some pastries, waiting for his friend to drink and eat a little, remaining silent while he was doing so. At the moment, Bill wasn’t hungry, his guts feeling twisted and his stomach heavy, but he could only comply with Mike’s implicit demand, weak under his watchful eyes.

When he seemed satisfied with Bill’s current state, Mike finally asked him, keeping his voice free of judgment:

“So, what happened? You two can get pretty heated when you’re working, but I’ve never seen any of you so… you know.”

Bill bit his bottom lip. Now that he wasn’t in the middle of the situation anymore, he realized how much he fucked up, and he felt terrible. Eddie was still learning to process what happened to him, and, of course, it meant that he was going to interpret wrongfully what he went through. Bill was supposed to be cool-headed, to know when to remain calm, but he didn’t. And it made everything worse.

He told truthfully what happened to Mike, who kept nodding at his words, greeting his story with a mostly blank expression on his face. Until Bill mentioned that he screamed at Eddie to “stop his tantrum”, anyway. Mike remained stunned for a short moment, before he hid his face in his hands, letting out a long sigh:

“Please, tell me you didn’t really say that, Bill.”

He would love to tell him otherwise. But it did happen, and Bill couldn’t hide it. Not when he knew very well that Eddie might not say a thing about it, thinking that it was his fault and his fault only.

“I… I didn’t mean to...”

Mike cut his hasty apology, grabbing his cellphone and shooting a quick text to Richie.

“Richie needs to know what happened. Bill, you...”

Mike sighed once again, and Bill lowered his head down, unable to look at his friend any longer.

“Of all the things you could have said...”

“I… I know it’s bad, it just came out, I...”

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to convince Eddie that he shouldn’t be infantilized?”

Bill thought he did, but given that he definitely said those hurtful words, he truly didn’t get it.

“You do know that he doesn’t have control over his episodes, right? They’re meltdowns. Not tantrums. Jesus, Bill...”

Bill wanted to cry, but he didn’t. Biting the inner part of his cheeks to keep his emotions under control, he finally managed to say, attempting to look at his friend in the eyes while doing so:

“I didn’t think it would guh… go so far. I just knew that Eddie was wrong and that he needed to see it.”

Because it wasn’t his fault. He shouldn’t think that he deserved any of the abuse he had to handle. But Eddie did, and he really wanted to portray it that way in his book, and Bill didn’t know what to do.

“I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not the one you should apologize to, Bill.”

He knew that, but how was he supposed to have this conversation with Eddie, after what happened? Bill messed up so badly, and, for sure, Eddie would hate him afterward. How could he not? Bill saw the way his friend pushed him back, so brutally that he hit his head against the wall. Eddie was never violent, only towards himself. God, he really shouldn’t have said that…

Mike reached for Bill’s hand, forcing him to focus back on the present, on his soft voice, while he attempted to explain to him patiently:

“Eddie’s still getting taught how to deal with his abuse. You can’t expect him to know what’s wrong and what’s not from the get-go. It’s a learning process.”

“I know it is! I just… I thought that if I explained it clearly, he would… he...”

Once again, Bill found himself at a loss for words. He munched on his pastry, unable to appreciate it at the moment, while Mike was visibly pondering on the situation. Unlike Bill, he actually took the time to think about what he wanted to stay. If only he did that, instead of insisting until they were both breaking down…

“You explained it, and Eddie didn’t get it. So, you repeated what you said, and he still didn’t understand. Do you get where I’m going with that?”

Mike shortly chewed on his bottom lip, as if he was hesitant about the words he was going to use right now:

“Eddie’s thinking differently from us, and not just because of his disability. His abuse shaped his way of seeing the world and himself in many ways. What seems logical to you might not make sense to him. And he won’t just get it because you explained it fifteen times without changing a single thing.”

Bill knew that. He knew all of that, but in the heat of the moment, he forgot. And he shouldn’t have.

“He made a lot of progress, but it’s still fragile, and it’s easy to see the holes, what he has to keep working on, because it’s not clear yet in his mind. Eddie knows that his mom abused him, but his brain is still trying to convince him that it’s his fault, and it’s difficult for him to fight against this thought.”

Mike squeezed Bill’s hand, and the weight on his shoulders felt a bit lighter. His friend smiled gently, looking for his gaze:

“What you’re both doing right now, it’s heavy. It’s complicated for Eddie, because he has to force himself to remember past stuff that he’d rather forget, while you’re learning things that he might not even have told us yet. I’m aware that it’s not easy for you either, Bill. And I appreciate the effort.”

He shouldn’t. Bill fucked up, he fucked up real hard, when he should have been the rock Eddie needed him to be. Was Richie able to calm him down? To pull him out of his episode? Was he still regressed? God, Bill hated to know that it was his fault…

“It’s his story. I’m merely listening to him, I can’t… I can’t pretend that I’m having it hard, when he’s the one who went through all of that.”

Mike shook his head, tightening his grip on Bill’s hand. For some reason, he found himself thinking that he hoped Mike would never let go, while his friend attempted to reassure him:

“Bill, when Richie and I watched Eddie’s documentary for the first time, he threw up, and I cried. I can’t tell you how many times I teared up after witnessing Eddie’s distress, the consequences of his abuse. Even now, it’s sometimes hard to keep being the level-headed one, when Eddie’s going through one of his episodes or when he’s confiding into us about his past.”

“Ed-duh… Eddie trusts me to tell his story.”

Mike nodded, letting him know with a gentle smile:

“And you’re doing it, Bill. It takes time, it’s normal. And you should probably both take a break. You don’t have to rush it. It’s a lot, for Eddie and for you. You need to take a step back and think about yourself.”

Mike pulled back his hand, and Bill suddenly felt incredibly naked and vulnerable. He busied himself as much as possible, engulfing his food, while his friend changed the topic:

“But I can see now that you know you were in the wrong and that you’ll have a calm discussion about it with Eddie afterward. So, I think it’s time to talk about something else. About you.”

Mike took a sip of his tea, before he asked with a concerned voice:

“How are you doing, Bill? You’re still struggling to sleep, after all this time...”

Bill suddenly felt ashamed at his words. Mike was too kind for his own good. If Bill definitely needed his friend at first to spend the night without crying himself to sleep, he was now truly over Audra and was even planning to call her at some point, to apologize again and have a proper discussion with her. He appreciated her and would like to be able to be her friend, but he didn’t know if they could manage to do that…

But he had to focus back on what truly mattered as of now, which was the fact that he was openly lying to Mike. Bill felt so good, sleeping with him by his side. Sometimes, while he was dozing off, Mike would suddenly get quite close, his arm wrapping Bill in a warm hug, and Bill would feel as if nothing and no one could hurt him anymore. It reminded him of their teenage years, the time Mike spent with him after Georgie’s body was discovered, all those nights crying in his friend’s arms, until the tears dried up, until he started to process his brother’s death more healthily.

Bill might be some kind of leader for the Losers, but Mike was helping him to get stronger, when he actually felt so weak and vulnerable. If not for his friend, Bill would have spent these last moments rehashing what happened and feeling sorry for himself. But Mike actually guided him to understand what he did wrong, why Eddie reacted that way, and what he could do to make up for his mistake. Mike always knew what to do. Bill would trust him with his own life.

Still, he was abusing his trust, when Mike was only trying to help. He shouldn’t have to keep sleeping on the couch with him, not when he had a whole bedroom for himself…

“I’m… I’m doing okay. It’s just… I don’t know. My publisher sent back my draft, and he doesn’t like the ending once again. I duh-don’t know what to do.”

The first time, Bill insisted on keeping it the way he wrote it, and everyone agreed on the fact that it was the weakest point of his book. Even though it made sense for him, narratively speaking. He still thought that this ending was the only logical way to conclude his new story, but his publisher might be right…

“And I don’t want to disapuh-point Eddie either. More than I already did.”

“Bill...”

And Mike’s hand was back on his. God, why did it felt so good? So warm… Bill had trouble to focus back on his friend’s words, his eyes glued to their linked hands:

“You fucked up. It happens. As long as you own up to it, I’m sure Eddie will understand. He loves you, Bill. He was so happy to have you at home. He still is.”

Bill was glad too. He felt lucky, sharing his friends’ life, when he should have been left all alone, after his failed relationship with Audra. He had been a dick, to her and everyone else. And yet, they gave him a second chance… And he almost ruined it all again. Fuck, he should have just kept his anger in check! He knew that Eddie was sensitive and that it was a complicated topic to talk about…

“I really think you need a break, Bill. All of that, it’s a lot. As for your ending...”

Mike had an apologetic smile, admitting with a gentle tone:

“To be honest, I understand where you’re coming from, with the way you concluded your first book, but I didn’t like it either. They went through so much, what’s the point if there’s not some hope at the end?”

Bill didn’t like happy endings. They felt unrealistic to him, and he wanted to tell stories that felt tangible. Telling his own truth. Real life didn’t have happy endings for everyone. Georgie never got what he deserved, after all: a long, fulfilling existence. Instead, he had been taking from them so young, so soon…

Bill felt tears rolling down his cheeks. He wiped them up, shrugging when Mike asked him again if he was okay.

“I don’t know, Mike. I don’t know. It’s… It’s my story, you know?”

And suddenly, he truly understood Eddie’s despaired claim. It was his story to tell. The way he perceived those events, what happened to him. He was so convinced to be in the right that he straight up refused to listen to Bill, when Bill knew that he was in the right. That they shouldn’t write it like that.

Eddie and him were more alike than he thought… Maybe he shouldn’t be so stubborn either. Bill sighed, admitting reluctantly:

“P… Perhaps I should negotiate. It doesn’t have to be all rainbows and shit, but maybe not such a d-downer ending either.”

“Take the time you need to think it through. You’re right, it’s your story, after all. My opinion shouldn’t matter.”

Bill disagreed. He shook his head, admitting, his cheeks red:

“But… But it does.”

Mike raised an eyebrow at his words, and Bill’s stutter got worse, while he attempted to explain:

“I… I mean, you... you’re the first I… I… I read my stories to and, and, and I value what you th… what you…”

His words were escaping him, and he found himself burying his face in his hands, blushing awfully. God, Bill hated when that happened! He had so much to say, and yet, he… he just couldn’t. And he felt foolish for being unable to do so. Nevertheless, Mike kept on smiling, waiting for him to finish his sentence, never showing a single sign of impatience. When Bill finally managed to speak his mind, Mike seemed just as embarrassed as he was, thanking him awkwardly, avoiding his gaze.

Mike was truly unable to take a compliment, even after all this time. Bill kept wondering how to convince him once and for all of his potential, how great of a person he was, but maybe there wasn’t any miraculous answer. Perhaps he just had to keep saying it, to remind Mike day after day… Bill wouldn’t mind. If someone deserved that, it was definitely Mike Hanlon.

Before he managed to say anything else, his phone vibrated. Bill grabbed it, reading Richie’s text:

_Eddie wants to see you. We talked, and I have a better understanding of the situation. I get it. You still have to apologize to him, though._

Bill nodded silently, aware of what he needed to do. Eddie deserved better than the way he treated him. Informing Mike about the situation, they paid for their order, before leaving the tea room altogether.

*

Bill was lying on the convertible sofa, his eyes closed, but his mind awake. He barely slept this night, thinking about yesterday’s events. After they came back, he immediately apologized to Eddie, admitting that he had been in the wrong and promising that he would never belittle his feelings or infantilize him again. On the other hand, Eddie agreed that he might have been too stubborn and that he should know that his way of perceiving his own past wasn’t always the right one.

They were both in the wrong, and they should have known better than to get heated the way they did. Eddie actually got to the same conclusion as Bill did and was relieved that he wanted them to take a small break. This book that they were writing together, it was heavy, and they definitely needed to forget about it all a little. Eddie couldn’t spend his whole days diving into his past, and Bill wanted to be able to look at his friend without immediately thinking about the horrible things he went through.

Still, Bill couldn’t help, but feel guilty about it all. Even more now, given that Mike was still sleeping next to him, curled up on his side. Bill couldn’t open his eyes. If he did, he knew that he would see his friend’s peaceful expression, his arm going over his body, as he often did as soon as he was sleeping, and his guilt would grow even bigger.

Bill had the feeling that he was manipulating Mike, using his kindness for his own benefit, and he hated himself for that. Yes, sharing the couch with him was making his nights easier at first, but now, it was just some sort of comfort, not a necessity. Yet, he didn’t say it to Mike. He still forced him to sleep on their pull-out sofa, when his bed would be far more comfortable. Maybe Mike would want to be on his own, not to wake up all tangled with his friend, earlier than Richie or Eddie, going back to his room before they got up…

To be honest, Bill wasn’t sure why Mike was so adamant about going back to his room, but he respected his friend’s decision and even helped him sometimes, so that he wouldn’t feel embarrassed. Bill knew that Richie would very likely tease them if he saw them like that, but he didn’t care at all. Unlike Mike, apparently.

Still, the couch felt so big and lonely, once Mike left it. Just like he was doing so right now, moving slowly, trying not to disturb Bill’s sleep. But Bill was well awake, and, for some reason he couldn’t quite understand, he grabbed Mike’s wrist, keeping him from leaving. His friend froze, and Bill opened his eyes, glancing at him.

Mike was looking back, mouth agape, heavy breathing, not moving a muscle. They remained awkwardly quiet and still for too long, until Bill managed to say, stuttering uncontrollably:

“Can I… Can I come with yuh-you?”

If Mike truly wanted to spend the rest of the morning alone, Bill wouldn’t insist. If anything, he’d tell him then that he was fine now, and that he didn’t have to sleep with him anymore. The last thing Bill wanted was to be a burden for his friend. But, slowly, Mike nodded, and Bill felt his heart doing jumping jacks in his chest, his lips stretching into a smile. He got up from the couch, knocking the coffee table in the process, Mike keeping him from falling, holding his hands while doing so. Despite himself, Bill started to chuckle, and his friend shushed him, but he couldn’t hide his amused expression and wasn’t able to hold back his giggle either.

Soon enough, they both arrived in Mike’s room, thankfully without waking up their friends in the process (or so they thought). Mike curled up in the bed, as if he often tended to do, and Bill faced him, unable to stop himself from smiling:

“B… Better than the pull-out, right? Maybe we should just stay here now.”

Mike nodded quietly. Bill started to close his eyelids, ready for a lazy morning, when he suddenly noticed his friend’s face getting closer… and closer… and closer. Until their lips touched, softly, gently. Bill found himself unable to move, his thoughts coming to a halt. Mike didn’t make it last, quickly pulling out. He glanced at Bill, then avoided his gaze altogether, whispering awkwardly:

“Is it… okay?”

Bill didn’t know if it was. He never thought about those things. He fell in love with Audra, had a crush on several girls, that he either knew or that were one of those celebrities that he could admire from afar. And yet…

And yet, he didn’t move when Mike kissed him. He didn’t try to push him back or to tell him to stop. Bill could have, his words were right there, ready to be used, and he knew that Mike wouldn’t have kissed him if he did. But maybe he wanted it to happen… Maybe he didn’t mind.

“It’s… It’s okay. I think.”

Bill cursed himself for adding those last two words. But Mike nodded, an understanding expression on his face. He curled up, and Bill reflexively opened his arms for him, inviting him to get closer. His mind was currently fogged, and he wondered if Mike sucked all of his brain cells while he was kissing him.

He knew he probably should have some kind of existential crisis. Thousands and thousands of questions, reassessing his feelings, who he was, what he wanted in his life. And yet, he didn’t. Bill merely closed his arms around Mike, losing his fingers in his friend’s (boyfriend?) fuzzy hair. As if it was the most natural thing to do. And maybe it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, first, I planned at the last minute to write a Bill-centric chapter, then it ended totally not how I thought it would xD. Seriously, I didn't anticipate that at all, it just seemed to go that way while I was writing it! Gah, Mike and Bill are now (kinda) together! They still need to have a serious talk about it, because even if Bill is not openly freaking out, they definitely need to put a label on their relationship, if only for poor Mike's sake.
> 
> I admit that I embraced the idea of Bill being kind of a himbo, with a bit of "he's a little confused, but he's got the spirit" if you see what I mean. I think he just never really thought about his own feelings and if he starts to do so, he might realize that he had a bit of a crush on Ralph Maccio from "Karate Kid" or Will Smith in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", and that he just didn't get it. 
> 
> Mike will probably be the one to open this conversation with Bill, because I can clearly see Bill just going with the wave and see where it gets them xD. Bless him.
> 
> Other than that, I took the time to portray a short fallout between Eddie and Bill. As much as they learned to get each other, it's not perfect and they still have times, especially now that they're handling something so heavy, where they might be unable to find a common ground, despite their best efforts. But they're discussing it and are learning from their mistakes, their challenges.
> 
> Overall, it was really interesting to write. I hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to see what you thought about this unexpected turn of events for Mike and Bill, as well as his fight with Eddie. You can also subscribe to this series/story if you wish to do so, as well as leaving a kudos!
> 
> Take care! Have a nice day and see you soon!


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 47th chapter of this fanfic! And, as you might have noticed it already, it's actually the penultimate chapter of this fanfic. It became pretty clear in my mind while I was writing it, not immediately though. I started to think about the things I still wanted to write and I realized that the conclusion was there. That it was time for me to start really closing this story. 
> 
> As much as I love writing it, I feel like if I kept going, it would only be fillers for now on, things that I could actually write aside, as one-shots or small fanfics (I actually planned to write a bit more about this universe, notably something that will be directly linked to the next and last chapter), but that would only clutter this current story, who is already quite long.
> 
> Thank you so much for your support all along. You really made this year worth it for me, despite everything else.
> 
> With that said, here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for internalized homophobia  
> TW for internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for sexual content  
> TW for emetophobia  
> TW for internalized aphobia
> 
> I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Richie could barely believe how quickly time has passed. He still felt like he only learned yesterday that Mike and Bill were now dating. When they finally put a label on their relationship, Richie whistled approvingly, hugging them both and congratulating them. It happened so simply, as if it was always meant to be. A gentle and slow progress, that Richie and Eddie both had been able to witness…

They constantly seemed to look for each other’s hand, entangling their fingers at every opportunity. The nicknames became a habit as well, Bill being the first to casually drop a “Babe” while asking Mike about his day. When it happened for the first time, Mike’s brain experienced a glitch, trying to process the intense feelings coursing through his mind. Richie had to nudge him for his friend to be able to stutter an answer, still stuck on the affectionate pet name that Bill reserved for him.

It took a few more tries for Mike to be able to hear it without melting on the spot, and he needed a bit more time to do the same, daring to call Bill “Love”, hoping to make it casual and natural enough (it wasn’t back then, but Richie was definitely sure that Bill found it adorably endearing nonetheless). Richie waited patiently for them to feel more comfortable about their relationship, before he started to tease them, delighting in Mike’s embarrassment.

He couldn’t really enjoy it the same when it came to Bill, because his friend merely nodded along with his light jokes, already comfortable with Mike and their romantic love, as if they were an old couple from the start. Richie couldn’t understand how Bill managed to avoid the kind of existential crisis that he himself went through (and was still battling with, from time to time), admiring and envying how easily he accepted the fact that he loved Mike, as soon as his now-boyfriend confessed to him.

Bill seemed to be going with the flow, apparently unaltered. When he went to the LGBT center with them for the first time, Richie had been surprised by how comfortable he was there, almost right at home. Hearing about pansexuality, after he chatted for a while with Liz and Adrian Mellon, only prompted a tranquil “Guess that’s who I am” from Bill, when Richie himself went through a literal panic attack while he was in his friend’s shoes.

The same couldn’t be said for Mike, who reacted strongly to his first venture into the LGBT community, as one of its members. Richie teared up when Mike did, knowing how important it was for him to be told that he was alright. That he wasn’t broken. That other people were just like him and that there wasn’t anything wrong about it. Nothing to change. Nothing to cure.

His self-confidence slowly grew over time, notably helped by the asexual friends he made along the way. He didn’t feel so much like the weak link anymore, whether it was among the Losers or his new pals. Mike invested a lot of his time in the LGBT center, more than happy to help in any way he could, even managing to create a partnership between his library and the association. As of now, he’s still presiding proudly over the weekly LGBT book club, offering a safe space to talk about the importance of representation.

Bill’s support meant everything to him. But it didn’t mean that their relationship was devoid of any kind of issue. Richie still remembered sadly the day Mike came to him crying, because he stopped Bill’s wandering hands and felt that he hurt him while doing so. He couldn’t deal with his own guilt and was convinced that he would only burden Bill by “forcing” him to stay with him, when Mike couldn’t satisfy him sexually.

It took quite some time for Richie to persuade him to talk about it openly to Bill, his friend convinced that it would only make things worse and that he should just “suck it up”, for his partner’s sake. But when he finally did, Mike realized that Bill didn’t care if they didn’t have sex. That he was perfectly happy with what they already had, and only wanted his boyfriend’s happiness.

Probably not wanting to repeat the mistakes he made with Audra previously, Bill valued open communication above all else, and they both discussed a lot about their relationship and what they wanted to make of it. Sometimes, Richie and Eddie were involved as well, their friends appreciating their input and the pieces of advice they were willing to give.

Mike and Bill were both best friends and lovers, just like Eddie and Richie were for each other. And that’s how they managed to make it work. They didn’t need their story to be extraordinary at all times. For sure, the passion was there, but they appreciated just as much the quieter moments in their relationship, how simple life could be. Sometimes, happiness was merely about reading a book together, waiting patiently for the other to finish his line.

Eddie and Richie also figured out a lot about themselves, about where they wanted to take their relationship. Richie learned to be more comfortable with sex, even though it was still a work in progress. His mouth watered at the memory of the first time he actually managed to give head to Eddie. It took a lot of reassuring from his partner, Richie breaking down crying and unable to do so quite a few times before he actually managed to tame his own demons, finding satisfaction in pleasuring his boyfriend so intimately.

Eddie was actually ready to give up on it, if only for his partner’s sake, but Richie really wanted to be able to share that with his partner. To pleasure him the same way Eddie did. When he finally managed to do so, Richie had been so invested and wrapped up in his boyfriend’s ecstasy that he even came untouched, not long after Eddie did, his boyfriend’s hand gripping Richie’s hair as if his life depended on it. Maybe he had a bit of a hair-pulling kink as well… So what?

They also ventured into new territories, but Richie remained a bit on the fence about them, and Eddie needed to get used to the intense feelings it created in him. He also had to fight against his germaphobic tendencies, who tended to think of this side of their sexual relationship as too “dirty”. Eddie only managed to allow himself to finger Richie while wearing latex gloves, and Richie was still unable to fuck Eddie, defeated by his guts reacting strongly whenever he tried to do so. As if it would be the ultimate step, for his internalized homophobia…

He knew that it was ridiculous, but he couldn’t help it. And, thankfully, Eddie was understanding and patient. They took things gently, slowly, never too seriously. Just the way Richie needed it. Just how Eddie appreciated it. So, maybe it wasn’t all rainbow and butterflies, but they were happy in their own way, and not only when it came to the sexual side of their love.

Things were really starting to look up. Richie and Eddie were both working on themselves a lot, helped by their therapists, family, and friends. Eddie was learning to be comfortable again with his stims, able to find comfort in his old Teddy Bear again, although Richie still had to be careful whenever his boyfriend was hugging it, being mindful about his body language so that Eddie wouldn’t think that he wanted to take it from him.

He still couldn’t get his own fingers close to his lips (well, except sometimes during sex, and it was so delightfully weird and dirty that Richie couldn’t help, but find it oddly endearing), but he appreciated to have Richie’s, and they were both comfortable with it, not caring a second about what others might think of them, only enjoying what they were both giving and receiving.

Richie’s presence during Eddie’s therapy sessions also faded away with time. His boyfriend was learning again to appreciate his privacy, and Richie respected it, feeling grateful for the times Eddie opened up to him. Eddie’s recovery was undeniably noticeable, and Richie delighted in all the little ways his partner was getting more comfortable with himself and the world around him. Sometimes, all it took was Eddie playfully teasing him for Richie to be irrevocably happy for the rest of the day.

Eddie’s decision to write his own story, trusting Bill to help him, benefited him more than any of them thought it would. Reading what happened to him, the undeniable truth, allowed Eddie to glance at his past self in a totally different light. It made it easier to understand his mother’s mind games, all the ways she attempted to deprive him of his self-esteem and autonomy, how unacceptable her abuse was. More than that, it offered him the opportunity to forgive himself.

Bill, Richie, Mike, everyone… They had been right from the beginning. None of that was his fault. What he went through, how he had to comply in order to survive, the aftermath of his trauma… Eddie didn’t have to feel guilty about any of it. And, even if the feeling crept back from time to time, Eddie now managed to remember that, for every step back he made, he managed to move two to three steps forward, an undeniable and continuous progress.

Richie couldn’t be prouder of his boyfriend. He was happy to witness the small victories Eddie experienced along the way, as well as the big ones, those who were truly worth celebrating for what they were. Richie knew that Eddie wouldn’t appreciate it if he were to praise him every time he managed to get dressed without needing any help, but he was decided to celebrate his great achievements, even if his boyfriend humbly thought that it was undeserved.

When Eddie and Bill ended their first draft, after working on it for more than a year, Richie insisted on congratulating them by inviting everyone over and having the wildest celebratory party they could manage to accomplish. They actually needed a few days to get over it, but they all admitted that it was worth the painful and long hangover they went through. 

Eddie couldn’t believe that they actually managed to write it all. The draft was long and thick, and he knew that he’d have to trim quite a lot for it to be readable, but he didn’t care. It was _his_ story. Who he was, truly, far away from the lies told in his mother’s books and what he came to believe about himself, manipulated by the (non) regretted Sonia Kaspbrak. His reality was there for those who were willing to see it. 

In the end, Eddie didn’t care if the book would sell well, if people would actually read it. What mattered truly was the fact that he managed to do it, to discern the truth from the lies, and to put it all into words, supported by Bill’s elegant writing style. Richie thought exactly the same. When Eddie handed him his manuscript, Richie read it all without a single break, his emotions all over the place while doing so. 

It was Eddie. Who he was, his life, what he went through. The things Richie never saw, those he barely heard of, and the stuff he got to experience firsthand. But it wasn’t just about the challenge, the darkest parts of his recovery. There was also hope, hope portrayed in the rawest way. How he managed to find solace in his friends and new family’s support. How Eddie had been allowed to be himself, despite the societal pressures he had to deal with. How he hoped that it would inspire others to do the same. 

His message was simple and, yet, so important: being true to himself was essential. And people should allow that to happen and encourage it, even if it didn’t conform to what they thought was appropriate. Richie knew who Eddie was thinking about, when he wrote that part: Tate. Their friendship went through quite a struggle, Myra refusing categorically for them to see each other, claiming again and again that she wasn’t ready. That she needed time. 

Richie started to think that they would never get to enjoy each other’s company again, when Tate surprised them all, Myra first. 

He still remembered her call, her anxious and furious voice, asking to bring her brother back. Richie had been just as shocked as Myra to learn that Tate actually ran away, while she was working in her hospital. 

As she often did, she entrusted the Autism Association of Newport to watch over him and keep him busy and stimulated while she couldn’t be there for him. But Tate managed to escape them, wandering off when he never even set a foot out of his flat without his sister around. When she learned about that, Myra had been convinced that Richie and Eddie intervened and attempted to steal her brother.

It took too much time for her to accept that they were flabbergasted by the whole story and that they had no idea where Tate was. They drove to Newport, looking for Tate everywhere, only finding him hours later. He was cold, tired, and slightly feverish, finding shelter from the pouring rain under a porch, where someone noticed him and managed to get some information, just enough to call the Autism Association, who then warned Myra. 

She only let Eddie and Richie know about Tate’s whereabouts when she learned why he wandered off: thinking that he saw his friend, Tate ditched the association, trying to catch up with him. By the time he managed to do so, Tate had realized that it wasn’t Eddie, merely someone who looked a bit like him from behind, and it was already too late. He didn’t know where he was and had no way to contact anyone who might help him, too overwhelmed to manage to articulate a single word.

Myra had been so scared to lose him that it forced her to face what she refused to see: Tate missed Eddie dearly and not being able to see him was breaking his heart. Because of the way she “took care” of him, Tate was unable to go out safely without supervision, and, while doing so, he could have been terribly hurt… or even worse. She knew it would happen again, if she didn’t accept this simple truth: Tate needed Eddie. 

So, Myra finally relented, and Tate and Eddie saw each other again, once her brother recovered from his escape. Seeing his boyfriend so happy was definitely worth having to spend time with Myra, Richie decided. They never managed to appreciate each other, but both made an effort, for Eddie and Tate’s sake. Richie was still hoping that he would be able to convince Myra to allow Tate to spend time with them without her watching over him, but she adamantly refused, as of now. 

He would still try, though. Tate deserved to see more of this world that he had been deprived of for so long. Richie was sure that he would appreciate spending time without feeling the need to look “less autistic” for his sister’s sake. As much as he’d like to convince Tate to let go of his internalized ableism, Richie was well aware of the fact that it was Tate’s battle to lead, and that he could only try to help and hope for the best. 

Who knew, maybe Eddie’s book would help? Richie would make sure to bring a copy to Tate when it would be published, since he was pretty sure that Myra wouldn’t buy it willingly. And if she had something to say about it, well, Richie was convinced that Tate wouldn’t give up and let her have her way. Despite the fact that he was still under her influence, he was starting to establish his boundaries, slowly but surely, and he definitely wanted to read what Eddie wrote with Bill. 

Tate and Eddie had a blast spending time together, enjoying their friend’s presence, complementing each other. They both brought something to the table, and Richie was actually amazed to see how calm his partner could be whenever he was with Tate, even when he lost against him in the (many) games they shared. Meanwhile, Eddie allowed Tate to let go of the constant pressure he was feeling to perform, acting more naturally with them than he ever did in a lifetime. 

Richie could have been jealous of this unique connection between them, but he cherished it, knowing how much it made Eddie happy. Besides, he actually appreciated Tate’s company, trying (and usually failing) to challenge his wits and his unwavering logic. 

And Richie himself? Well, he was learning to be more at ease in his own shoes, as much as he could. Ever since he performed at the pub’s open-mic stage for the first time, Richie had felt something raw growing inside him. He never thought he would get to experience and say that, but he actually felt confident about himself, when it came to his humor. 

Of course, there was still this big rush of anxiety before he performed, and, sometimes, especially when he was venturing in a field he wasn’t used to, Richie would puke his guts out, convinced that he was a fraud and that he would never manage to do it. Eddie was always there to support him, no matter what. Richie valued his presence there, knowing how overwhelming it could be for him.

But Eddie still insisted on seeing his performances, even if Richie had to carry him back home afterward. After a while, they managed to find ways to accommodate his sensitivities and help him to manage it a bit more, investing in hearing protection. Whenever Richie wasn’t talking, Eddie was putting on his acoustic earmuffs, toning the noise down quite a bit. 

Richie was currently trying to save money for better hearing protection, so that Eddie would be able to wear them even when he was performing, without fearing to mishear his words. He hoped he would be able to get enough before Eddie’s birthday, he was sure he would appreciate it. If needed, Richie knew that Bill and Mike would be glad to help a little and invest too.

Seeing Eddie in the crowd was always a sure way for him to feel reassured about his performance, even when he wasn’t vibing as much as he hoped to with his audience. Hearing his laugh, knowing that he was there, it was enough to give him his confidence back and find his footing again. Richie was growing more and more at ease with being on stage, to the point that his boss, Samantha, actually offered him to perform monthly as a part of his job, even being paid for his little show.

He was dying to be able to say his whole truth on stage, laughing about his sexuality and all, but every time he tried to do so, Richie lost his words and was forced to move on, risking to ruin his performance if he kept insisting. Oh, he’d love to talk about his love life as easily as some of his favorite stand-up comedians could, but Richie was terrified of rejection and couldn’t bring himself to do more than trying (and failing).

He never expected much from his performances. He was happy to make people laugh and, since it was now part of his job, Richie had time to rehearse, and he was getting paid for his work. It was more than he could ever dream of. And yet, an opportunity he certainly didn’t expect arose, sending him into an(other) existential crisis…

Richie was toying with the business card that could very much change his whole life, as well as Eddie’s, still trying to figure out how to bring it to his therapist. He felt like he could talk about anything to Dr. Norton, but this… he didn’t even know how to begin. Fuck, it was… he could barely believe it. And yet, this business card was there, to prove to him that he wasn’t dreaming.

Richie talked about his life, some of his remaining insecurities, Eddie, and then he remained silent as he pulled this card, trying to find his words, while Dr. Norton waited patiently for him to do so. Richie took a deep breath, before he started to allow himself to ramble, trying to find his footing:

“I… Something happened. Something big. I… I only talked to Liz about it for now. And Greta too, because she was there as well. And they’re… they’re highly supportive, but...”

Richie’s heart was beating fast, too fast. God, he still had a hard time convincing himself that it was real. And he was unable to decide once and for all if it was a good or a bad thing…

“I… I met this guy, after one of my scheduled performances. His name is Steve Covall. He told me he came here, because he was visiting a friend and his pal insisted that he came to watch me. He… uh… He works in this club, in San Francisco. It’s called… wait, it’s written on the card...”

Too nervous to count on his memory, Richie glanced at the business card, before he managed to articulate:

“The Punch Line. It’s a comedy club and, uh, he… Steve, he… he thinks I could have my shot there. That I have potential.”

Richie’s guts were so much twisted that he could barely hold it together. He didn’t know what to think, what to do, what to say… He finished his rambling, avoiding to look at his therapist, unable to even glance at him at the moment.

“He said he would help me there at first. Until I could pay for my own room and stuff. And when I talked about Eddie, he said he could come too. That he saw something in me and that, uh, that he didn’t want to have to give up on me because I didn’t want to stay away from my “friend”, you know.”

Richie formed air quotes while saying the word “friend”, because, of course, he had been totally unable to tell the truth right away about Eddie. Maybe if his boyfriend had been there this night, he could have, but Eddie had been enjoying a short road trip with Richie’s father, going to a car show for the first time in his life. 

Richie smiled despite himself, thinking about the excited infodump Eddie lashed onto him afterward, describing every car he managed to see, using words and names that Richie never heard of, losing him in the process. Richie really couldn’t see why his partner was so invested in this particular topic, but he was definitely okay and happy to encourage it, enjoying Eddie’s enthusiasm more than anything else.

Dr. Norton cleared his throat and invited him gently to focus back on their discussion. Richie stopped zoning out and finally added, shaking his leg nervously:

“I… I don’t know what to do.”

His therapist’s gentle smile relieved him a bit of the weight on his shoulders, even if it was still quite heavy to bear.

“It’s understandable, Richie. Just to make it clear first: it’s not shady, right? I mean… You never know what might happen...”

Richie laughed awkwardly, massaging his neck:

“Yeah, no, I thought about it too, but it’s legit. So legit that he actually called Dana Carvey, fucking Dana Carvey from Wayne’s World, and put me on the phone with him. I legitimately thought I was going to faint. Steve told me that Dana Carvey kinda took his first steps in this club and, uh, I’m not saying I’ll ever have his fame or whatnot, but… it’s legit. It’s really legit.”

Richie started to audibly heave, and it took him all of his willpower to prevent himself from throwing up on the spot. Dr. Norton brought him a trashcan, in case it were to happen, and he thanked him with a nervous chuckle, his whole body shaking as of now:

“I don’t… I… It’s…. Eddie...”

His therapist had to interrupt him, guiding him into a few breathing exercises to allow Richie to relax a little and put back his emotions under control. It took them quite a while, but Richie finally managed to enunciate, words barely slipping past his lips:

“It’s… It’s fucking San Francisco, man. Literally on the other side of the country.”

He let out an almost hysterical laugh, closing his fist on the business card, using his other hand to hide his face. God… Fucking god…

“I… I don’t know what to do. What… What should I do, doc?”

Richie was hoping naively that Dr. Norton would give him a straight and simple answer, a yes or a no he could abide by. But of course, it couldn’t be so easy… 

“What would you like to do, Richie? If you were to erase every concern that you have, as of now, what would your answer be? Your immediate answer?”

“I don’t know...”

How could he not think about all of that? How could he just give an answer so quickly, when it was his whole life and Eddie’s that could be changed, in so many ways?

Noticing Richie’s growing anxiety, Dr. Norton asked him to close his eyes and focus on his breathing again. 

“Let’s say it wasn’t in California, but way closer. You wouldn’t have to move out or to change anything at all. Would you want to do it?”

Now that he put it that way… With a sad smile, Richie answered quickly, as if it was the obvious thing to say:

“Of course. But...”

“You’d like to do it. That’s what we’re going to focus on, right now. Why would you like to do so, Richie?”

Richie almost rolled his eyes at the question, which felt like a provocation, given the fact that there were so many things preventing him from it in the first place. But he still answered, looking at his shoes as if they were the most interesting thing in the world:

“I want to make people laugh. And if I could really live from it, write my own texts, share my thoughts, my voice, I… maybe…”

Richie blushed, admitting so shyly that it was barely audible:

“Maybe, one day, I could… I could be on stage and talk about my boyfriend and make people laugh. And there might be some guy like me who’d get that it’s okay to, uh, to be different. That it’s not necessarily a tragedy or something to be ashamed of, you know?”

Richie laughed nervously, ranting a bit despite himself:

“It’s not like I’ll only joke about being gay or whatnot, but if I have to let my Trashmouth do its work, it’s gonna want to talk about dicks and butts and fucking and fingering at some point, and I’ll unleash its full potential.”

Dr. Norton openly laughed at his words:

“I’d be quite interested to hear your Trashmouth joking, to tell you the truth. But more seriously, I think it could make you happy. The way you talked to me about your small performances at your current job, you might not notice it, but it really lightens up your whole face whenever we’re mentioning this topic. And it truly did wonders for your self-esteem. A real boost.”

Richie knew that he was right, that it made him really happy, that he felt good and confident whenever he was on stage, but… still…

“It’s about Edward, right?”

Of course, it was. But not only him. Richie was scared to leave his friends too. His family. His comfort. 

“What if I fuck up? What if it doesn’t work?”

Richie had the feeling that accepting to do so would lead him to tiptoe on a long and unstable rope and that he might fall at any time, never to get back up again. The idea terrified him, preventing him from seeing the obvious:

“Then you can still come back, right? If it’s not what you were hoping for, if it doesn’t work, you can still come back here. To your friends and family. You’re not bidding farewell, Richie, you’re always welcome to come back whenever you want to.”

Richie glanced at his therapist as if he just revealed to him that he had been an alien all along, mouth agape, eyes wide. Then he sighed, shaking his head:

“I can’t believe I didn’t even begin to think about that… I’m fucking stupid, aren’t I?”

“Of course not, Richie. You’re anxious, and it’s understandable. That’s an incredible opportunity, but it’s also an enormous change, a deep dive into the unknown. And it’s the scariest part, right?”

Richie nodded quietly. If he was afraid of this change, how would Eddie feel?

“I… I don’t want to ruin Eddie’s progress. His recovery is going so well, I… If he regresses because of me...”

Dr. Norton raised an eyebrow at his words, tapping on his leg with his fingers. 

“I thought we moved past this, Richie.”

“Uh?”

“Edward’s agency. It’s been a while since we have to talk about it. I can’t even exactly remember when, to be honest. But you do know that if he decides to support your project, then it’ll be his choice, right?”

O… Of course, he knew that! Richie bit his bottom lip, making his joints pop in a nervous and slightly angry motion. Angry against himself. Angry against Dr. Norton as well.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do if Eddie feels pressured to accept? He’s… I...”

“Do you trust him, Richie?”

He could barely handle his therapist’s gaze, his eyes getting wetter by the second. 

“I…”

“It’s a simple yes or no question, Richie. Do you trust your partner?”

“Y… Yes. Yes, of course.”

Dr. Norton allowed himself to stretch his lips into a smile, putting it all quite simply:

“Then you know what you have to do. Have a talk with him. See what you both want.”

It sounded so easy, when his therapist put it that way. And yet, it took a whole week for Richie to actually manage to have this conversation with Eddie, terrified of his reaction. He didn’t know if he wanted him to agree or disagree, but there was one thing he was sure of: Richie wanted him to answer truthfully. Not because he wanted to please Richie or felt obligated to say one thing or the other.

He expected Eddie to ask to think about it, and Richie would have understood. He certainly didn’t guess that his boyfriend would answer naturally, as if it was the only viable option:

“ _We’re going there. Gnocchi's coming too, of course.”_

Richie was the one who extended this discussion, when he expected Eddie to do so. But his boyfriend was already decided, and he actually started to get really upset when he understood that Richie wasn’t sure he was answering totally on his own volition.

Richie almost forgot how determined Eddie could be. And he was now entirely focused on the idea of going to California, helping Richie to live his dream. Nothing Richie could say would make him change his mind. And maybe… maybe he shouldn’t try. If Eddie thought he could handle it… Richie had to trust him.

And so, their new life soon began. A fresh start, far from anything they ever knew. And if the path they were taking was full of challenges and obstacles, they both knew they could make it. As long as they were _together_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter moved forward a lot, but I feel it was necessary. The story is truly coming to an end right now.  
> So, fun fact, the Punch Line San Francisco Club actually exists (don't know if it's like known by every American ever, but while I was looking for a comedy club open in the 90s, I came across this one) and Dana Carvey really took his first comedy steps there, as well as John Mulaney or Ellen DeGeneres. 
> 
> I always planned Richie to get to California at some point and for him to do stand-up. It was only a matter of how and when. And of course, Eddie would be supportive and come, despite how much of a change it is for him. I'll talk about it more in the next and last chapter, but he's definitely aware of what he's doing and he's happy to give it a try. Scared, of course, but happy too.
> 
> Mike and Bill found their footing in their relationship. I might write a one-shot specifically about them and their relationship, let me know if you'd be interested! I'd really like to write about Greta and Liz too, to be honest.  
> And Tate as well. I think that, despite being sad that Eddie will be so far away and that it will be harder for them to see each other, he's really happy that his friend is doing what he wants. And he might be inspired to walk in his steps too, who knows? God, I really loved writing all of those characters, I'm going to miss it...
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to know what you think about all of this evolution. I'd say that almost two years passed in a single chapter? (I edit because I said it was more, but I think it was my anxiety/euphoria talking). That's wild to think about.
> 
> You can also leave a kudos if you want to, and, well, subscribe to be warned about the next and last chapter. God, I actually start to feel emotional right now... This story and you mean so much to me, it literally saved me this year. Thank you. Thank you so much.
> 
> I have a few other Reddie stories planned, I can't wait to write them! I'll definitely slow down my updating schedule, though. If I decide to work on two projects at the same time, it'll be a chapter for both every week (two chapters weekly, then).
> 
> Thanks again for your support. Take care, have a nice day, and see you soon.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Welcome to the 48th and last chapter of this fanfic and this series. God, what an adventure... I can't believe it. It all started at the beginning of the year and now, here we are, almost in 2021. This series is the first I ever finished, I'm actually getting emotional there. I really hope you like it.
> 
> Thank you all for your support. I can't thank you enough for everything you brought to me. I really hope you'll like this last chapter.
> 
> Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> TW for mention of abuse  
> TW for mention of internalized ableism  
> TW for mention of ableism  
> TW for mention of homophobia  
> TW for mention of internalized homophobia  
> TW for light sexual content  
> TW for body image issues
> 
> I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!

Eddie knew very well that this day was not like any other day. Yet, he was decided to make it as usual as possible, pushing his anxiety deep, deep in the back of the mind. It’s not like he could really do anything to relieve himself from this state of mind… He just had to wait. Wait and hope for the best.

Eddie was running, which was usually one of the first things he did in the morning, not long after a balanced breakfast. His breathing was getting slightly uneven, although he managed to keep it under control, thanks to his regular exercising.

It was a very sunny day, and Eddie was looking forward to his break, glancing at his watch. Five more minutes. Wiping his sweaty forehead, he adjusted his headphones, the lyrics of “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten blasting in his ears on repeat since he started jogging. He used to have a pretty diverse playlist to listen to, but now, he found himself coming back to his song again and again, especially when he was exercising or working on his car.

Richie was supposed to come running with him this morning, but when Eddie woke up and glanced at his partner, deeply asleep, sprawled all over his side of the bed, he took pity on him and allowed him to remain behind, doing his best not to wake him up. Eddie smiled at the thought, his expression turning into an amused grin while he pictured exactly what would have happened, if Richie was actually there.

He would probably complain endlessly, wasting his breath while doing so, his big legs barely keeping up with Eddie’s. For Richie, jogging was torture, and he regularly insisted that Eddie was a masochist for loving it and running every morning or so. Eddie tried to let him know that it wouldn’t be so painful if he exercised more, but Richie was stubborn and adamant about the subject.

Running was usually a solo moment for Eddie, a time where he could be alone with his thoughts, feeling every inch of his body while he was tiring it. It hurt, but in a good way. It was freeing. The man that he was today still remembered the little boy that he used to be, convinced by his mother that he was too fragile for any kind of strenuous activity, watching the rest of the world spinning and living while he was trapped, unable to participate.

And yet, there he was, running at a regular (and fast) pace, in control of his body and breathing, the only one to choose when to start and when to stop his jog. Sometimes, Eddie wondered what his mother would think of him, if she could see the man he became. However, these thoughts were getting rarer and rarer. His late mom wasn’t part of his life anymore. He moved forward, leaving her behind forever.

His legs started to hurt quite a bit, a telltale sign that he would slow down real soon. Eddie put a generous amount of sunscreen on his body before he left their flat, particularly on his left cheek, the skin slightly more sensitive here than anywhere else. The scar was still there, a bit faded with time, but remaining visible and noticeable. Eddie loved it, and he always squirmed joyfully whenever Richie kissed him there, reminding him every time how brave he was.

Sure, people tended to stare, but they would have done it anyway, even without the scar, and, at least, Eddie just had to look at his reflection in the mirror to remember that he was able to face the worst and survive, stronger than ever. The people he loved were giving him this strength… Richie, of course, but not just him.

Finally stopping his run, Eddie switched to a light jog, transitioning into a slow walk, grabbing his water bottle and drinking from it. He sighed with relief, his thoughts drifting towards his friends, his family. Bill and Mike were in Washington, D.C, taking a break from their road trip across the whole country, and for good reasons. They spent some time at Eddie and Richie’s flat when they were visiting California, but Bill could barely stand the heat and had been more than happy to head out, Mike following him lovingly, as he always did.

Usually sedentary, appreciating their little comfort, they decided to challenge themselves and to give a try to this big adventure all across the United States. They were on the road for five months now, and they kept flooding the Losers’ chatroom with pictures, to the point that Stan seriously considered the possibility of banning them temporarily, complaining that he had to work while his friends were taunting him continuously. Thankfully, Patty suggested to him another kind of retaliation, and they slowed down a little afterward, if only to stop getting flooded by every video and picture of birds that Stan could come across.

Eddie loved their pictures, but, more than that, he appreciated to see them so happy. Bill could use a little break from his fame, especially after the release of the umpteenth adaptation of his books, and Mike enjoyed spending time with his partner without seeing him stressing out about deadlines or whatnot. Eddie understood the feeling: sometimes, Richie’s own popularity could be difficult to handle.

They were hoping for a nice meal at a restaurant, and, suddenly, someone recognized him, and their romantic moment had to be cut short, Richie taking the time needed to interact with his fans, while still keeping an eye on Eddie, making sure that he was okay. Eddie knew that it was necessary, that it was part of his husband’s dream life, but sometimes, he just wanted to be able to go out with him and enjoy some anonymity.

Yet, Richie’s big smile whenever he was performing made it all worth it. That and, Eddie had to admit it, the comfortable amount of money on their bank account. He contributed a little, with his books about autism, and his never-ending passion for restoring old cars, buying them busted and selling them ready-to-drive months later. Eddie loved nothing more than to dive his head under a car’s hood, inhaling the smell of oil, brake fluid, and, overall, happiness.

Richie was definitely the money-bringer of the house, though. Between his stand-up shows, the few roles he landed in various movies (notably in Bill’s adaptations, even sharing the screen with Audra at some point), and his new multimedia production company, he was winning more than enough to allow them to live in the nicest and quietest parts of California. Their flat was a bit small, but Eddie didn’t care. It was theirs, and that was all that mattered. Besides, he knew what Richie would have had to sacrifice, to be able to afford even more.

When they first arrived here, Eddie and Richie both had trouble adjusting to this new lifestyle. Eddie was missing Bangor and how peaceful it could be, the city being too noisy, too alive, too much. And Richie… Well, Richie was pressured to constantly lie about himself. When Steve Covall, who was now going to help Richie with their new production company, learned about their relationship, he immediately informed Richie that he would have to keep it hidden, if he hoped to make it big.

“You’re no Graham Chapman or Eddie Izzard”, that’s what Steve told him back then. Eddie grimaced at the thought and the memory of Richie’s utter look of shame and resignation. At first, he agreed to keep his sexuality under wraps, finding success with his crass jokes appealing to an almost aggressively straight audience. He thought that being true to himself with his friends, family, and his partner would be enough, but Richie started to spiral seriously back then, and Eddie had to be the one to help him get back on his feet.

His internalized homophobia worsened, to the point where he couldn’t even kiss Eddie anymore, and it took him a lot of time and work to pull himself out of this hell. Years after his debut, Richie finally decided to give up on the persona that he crafted for so long and came out to his more than shocked audience.

If he didn’t do so, it was sure that Richie would have been offered more opportunities, that he might even be an A-list movie star at this point. But at what cost? Eddie witnessed what could have been his partner’s ultimate fall, and he was more than happy to see him thriving now, telling his own jokes, turning their life into an endless supply for his shows, inviting people to laugh with him rather than at him. Sure, there were still assholes out there, and a few times, Richie received anonymous (or not) letters, calling him all kinds of slurs, telling him that he was corrupting his audience, that he should be ashamed of himself.

At first, Eddie chose to burn them, but after a while, Richie started to collect them, turning them into a special part of his shows, sharing them with his audience, and making fun of the cowards who thought they had every right to bring him down. They didn’t. Richie mocked them openly, and it made him stronger. Still, there were times where he couldn’t handle it. Eddie was there for him, of course. He always was.

Richie’s lifestyle meant that they couldn’t spend as much time as they wanted together. Eddie had been able to cope with it after a while, trying to follow Richie during his tours whenever he could and wasn’t too overwhelmed. Otherwise, he would stay home, inviting his friends to keep him company, watching Richie’s shows and calling him to hear his voice.

But Richie wanted to settle down as much as Eddie now, and that’s why he would soon organize his last tour, before focusing on his production company, Kaleidoscope. His goal was to put more diversity in the ruthless and homogenous world that was the entertainment industry, and he’d start with an upcoming Netflix miniseries, a “Twilight Zone”-like show about an able-bodied man (portrayed by Richie) waking up in a world where disability was the norm and where he was the one that had to be accommodated.

Eddie actually helped writing one of its episodes, focusing notably on autism, and he even landed a small part, acting with his partner. Tate was an extra as well, Eddie and Richie managing to convince him to give it a try, when the man was too shy and lacking the confidence to think himself able to do so.

Tate had progressed a lot throughout all of those years, and Eddie was proud of him, but he was still bitter about Myra and the control that she had over her brother. If it wasn’t for her, maybe Tate would have been able to thrive like Eddie did. Not to say that he was unhappy, far from it, but Tate wasn’t free. He still looked up to his sister and asked for her permission whenever he wanted to spend time away from her, relying on her or his friends for pretty much anything.

If Myra wasn’t in the mood to agree, Tate would simply remain with her, sacrificing his own happiness. Eddie was still hoping he’d manage to convince his friend to move out one day, believing that he’d be perfectly able to live in supported housing or in a residential care, away from his sister. But Tate was too attached to her as of now, despite the way she treated him all of these years, and too scared to throw himself into something completely new. Later, maybe…

Until then, Eddie was happy to go back to Maine to see him or to invite him in their flat, even if it meant that Myra would tag along. Even to this day, Eddie avoided remaining alone with her too often. She made him feel uneasy, and he could feel himself slip back to his old unhealthy coping techniques, something he wouldn’t allow himself to do…

His slow walk brought him back to his building. Taking a deep breath, Eddie came back home, wondering if Richie was still asleep. Visibly not. Still in his pajamas, his partner was waiting for him, drinking coffee and watching TV mindlessly. He turned it off as soon as Eddie arrived, standing up and trapping him in a big hug.

Eddie squealed, reaching for his lightwriter and typing quickly:

“ _Don’t, I stink!”_

“No, you’re not, Spagheddie. And I can prove it!”

Richie started to sniff him, and Eddie pushed him back, rolling his eyes fondly. After so many years, their banter didn’t change a bit, and Eddie still loved it. He liked Richie’s corny puns, his dirty jokes, his ridiculous nicknames… In fact, he loved everything about Richie. Even when he hugged him while he was very, very sweaty. Ew… Eddie definitely needed a good wash.

He typed on his lightwriter, a smile on his face:

“ _I’m gonna take a shower. Wait for me?”_

“No way, Eds! I’m taking it with you!”

Richie grabbed his partner’s hand, a big smile on his lips. Eddie squeezed his fingers tenderly, allowing him to come with a single nod. He discarded his old lightwriter aside, while Richie started to gently undress him. After all this time, Eddie still used the same device. He had been offered the opportunity to try other things, but he always came back to his trustworthy lightwriter, his favorite way to talk.

Once he was stark naked, Eddie focused on his boyfriend, taking off his clothes as well. His eyes wandered towards Richie’s nipples, and his mouth went agape reflexively, the urge to suck on them invading them. Richie stopped him before he did, lifting Eddie’s chin with his index finger, looking at him with eyes full of love and adoration:

“Not now, my horny little bunny. You just ran for hours, you definitely don’t have the stamina needed for shower sex.”

Eddie pouted, signing quickly to his partner:

_I do, you couch potato!_

Richie gasped theatrically at his words, before he chuckled, ruffling Eddie’s hair:

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. But, as you said it yourself, I’m a couch potato, and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna slip if we try to redo the scene from “The Specialist”. I’m no Sylvester Stallone, you know.”

_Because I’m supposed to be Sharon Stone?!_

Eddie punched Richie’s shoulder lightly, and his partner stuck out his tongue as a very mature answer.

“I mean… You’re both practically the same height, after all.”

Eddie hit him again, groaning and letting out an annoyed moan, while Richie apologized, chuckling helplessly. He always knew how to tease Eddie, and Eddie was always ready to answer and retaliate, no matter what.

Richie kissed Eddie’s forehead, winking at him:

“I’m still waking up with a tent whenever I’m lucky enough to dream about that time you Basic Instincted me. That was so fucking sexy, Eds.”

Eddie’s breath got slightly ragged, remembering Richie’s lustful expression back then, and the wild morning of sex they had afterward. He shook his head, trying to focus on the task at hand.

_Well, I hope your spank-bank memory of that is enough, because I definitely can’t pull it off again. I’m an old man, Richie._

“I’m even older than you, dude. This grandpa will be in his forties in less than 8 months. I already invested in a big stock of diapers, you can never be too careful.”

Eddie groaned at his words and threatened him, always expressive whenever he was using ASL:

_If you shit on my bed, you’ll sleep on the couch._

“I’m sure we could make it kinky, my filthy horny bunny.”

Eddie heaved audibly at Richie’s joke, and his partner stopped immediately, knowing that he took his humor a step too far. Eddie was the kinkiest of them, but there was definitely stuff out of the table, and what Richie just described was undoubtedly one of them. Richie apologized in a whisper, kissing his partner’s scarred cheek. He allowed him to take off his glasses, Eddie remembering to guide Richie’s hand to show him where he put them. His eyesight was still awful, to the point that Eddie turned into Blob Eddie as soon as he took his glasses off.

Richie loved Blob Eddie just as much as the HD version of his partner, and he proved it by kissing him. He missed his mouth and landed his lips on Eddie’s nose, who chuckled at the feeling, before guiding Richie to their shower cabin. His partner rested his chin on Eddie’s head, while he was being cleaned thoroughly.

Eddie loved nothing more than to take care of Richie. He was always squealing with joy when Richie allowed him to do so outside of the showers they took together, cleaning his partner’s pores with skincare, scrubbing him gently, taming his wild hair. He even learned some massaging techniques, managing to relax Richie so much that he fell asleep a few times under his fingers.

Yet, he also adored it when Richie did the same to him. Eddie should probably hate it, given how overbearing his mother used to be, denying him any kind of autonomy, but the way Richie cared for him had nothing to do with that. He trusted his boyfriend, and he was there for him as much as Richie was. They were on the same footing, and Eddie wasn’t scared to let himself be vulnerable with him, knowing that Richie thought the same.

Eddie sighed when Richie started to wash his hair, letting out a long and relaxed moan, prompting him to chuckle:

“Well, I guess I found your weak point, Eddie Spaghetti. You’re unable to resist my ultimate ninja hair-care technique!”

Eddie nodded distractedly, turning slowly into putty between Richie’s hands. God, he loved it whenever Richie washed his hair… His fingers in his scalp were literal magic, Eddie was convinced of that. Especially when he grazed him gently with his fingernails, just like… he was doing so… right now…

Eddie’s knees almost buckled up under his weight, and Richie prevented his fall, letting out a surprised “Wow!” as a reflex. He supported Eddie carefully, whispering to his ear:

“Come on, sleepyhead, off to the kitchen. I’m gonna fix you another breakfast, before you slip in the shower.”

Richie helped Eddie to put on his pajamas, doing the same afterward. Usually, they would wear casual clothes, but today was a bit different. They wanted to feel cozy and comfortable, safe in their little cocoon. Richie tried to keep his mind busy and think about something else since he woke up, but his thoughts kept coming back to what was yet to come, and he was getting really nervous…

He distracted himself by taking care of Eddie, leading his too-relaxed partner to the couch, bringing him hot cocoa, an apple, and a cereal bar, what he usually ate after his jogging session. Richie poured himself some coffee, sitting next to Eddie, putting his arm around his shoulder and bringing him close.

“So… What do you want to do? I guess we could turn on the TV, but, uh, I’d understood if you wanted to distract yourself. I… uh… I’m an anxious wreck, actually.”

Today was a special day. Today was June 26, 2015, and the Supreme Court was voting to decide if same-sex marriage would be guaranteed by the Constitution. Richie advocated for LGBT rights for years, using his platform to promote acceptance, and this would be a huge step forward. He and Eddie actually discussed the possibility of joining Bill and Mike in Washington, to take part in the huge rally outside of the Supreme Court’s building, but they both agreed that it would be too much for Eddie.

The last thing he wanted was to have a meltdown in a crowd like that… No, Eddie and Richie were right where they should be, at home, safe, waiting for the results. Richie felt like he was stuck in time, his heart beating too fast and his throat closing up at the thought that it might not be ruled. He was reassured when Eddie let him know that he wanted to clear his head too, grimacing when he realized that his partner wanted to watch one of his Netflix stand-up shows _again._

“Eds, really? Come on, you know them by heart.”

Eddie pouted, and Richie knew that he couldn’t resist any longer. He put on his latest show, feeling incredibly uneasy watching himself on the screen. He chuckled awkwardly, hearing himself joking tenderly about Eddie’s scar, saying with a weird voice:

“I think the camera makes me look fat. A real stage potato.”

Eddie didn’t laugh at his self-deprecating humor. He raised his head, looking at him very intently, before he kissed him, deepening it immediately. Richie parted his lips without any hesitation, inviting Eddie’s eager tongue in his willing mouth. When they parted, Eddie hugged him tightly with one arm, typing on his lightwriter using the other:

“ _You’re amazing. On TV and IRL. You’re my sexy partner, and I love you so much.”_

“Objection, you’re the sexiest here, without a shadow of a doubt. I mean, look at you! Your legs, your pecs, everything… God. It makes me want to lie down on your precious cars, like one of your motor show girls.”

Eddie shook his head at his words, flicking Richie’s forehead:

“Ouch!”

“ _You’re not doing that to my cars. You could damage the paint.”_

“So, you’re saying that I’m less important than a car paint job?”

Eddie nodded with a grin, and Richie pretended to cry, burying his face in his partner’s collarbone:

“You’re so mean! Mean, mean, mean!”

Eddie patted his head patiently, waiting for Richie to finish his little show. He could see that his boyfriend deflected the discussion, but he didn’t want to force him to talk about it right now. They were already stressed enough… But they really needed to talk about Richie’s self-deprecation, sooner rather than later.

Richie was always quick to point out his own flaws, saying that he preferred to be the first to laugh about it rather than being someone else’s punchline. Eddie wasn’t sure it helped. Richie would look at himself in the mirror for too long, before turning away. Sometimes, it put him in a terrible mood for the rest of the day, and Eddie would do his best to help, complimenting him without insisting too much (he learned the hard way that Richie thought that he was just trying to comfort him if he did, when Eddie was utterly genuine).

Sometimes, he suspected that Richie didn’t want to run with him because he felt self-conscious. Eddie could only hope that it’ll pass with time and that his therapist might help him cope with it. He couldn’t understand how Richie was unable to see how amazing and handsome he was. Eddie loved everything about him: his glasses, his smile, his big body that could engulf him completely in the softest hugs… Richie was the best. And Eddie found himself lucky to have won his heart, so many years ago.

His breakfast finished, Eddie rested his head on Richie’s knees, slipping his fingers between his lips to suck them. He was getting nervous, waiting helplessly to know the Supreme Court’s decision. He was scared. Scared that they might reject it. Afraid to have his rights taking yet another step back, as a gay person.

Richie’s phone suddenly rang, and Eddie groaned painfully, putting his hands over his ears. His partner apologized, answering the call and putting it immediately on speakers:

“Hey, Liz, how are you doing? You’re with Bill and Mike?”

Richie could barely hear her, among the ruckus of the rally they were in. Just like Bill and Mike, Greta and Liz were in Washington, in the middle of what seemed to be a scarily colossal rally. He only understood that he should turn on his TV, and he did so, his guts twisted with fear.

But soon enough, the anxiety turned into relief. Utter, exhilarating relief. Yes. It was a yes. Same-sex wedding would be part of the Constitution, a fundamental right that couldn’t be denied to them because of so-called “beliefs”. It was written. It was fucking written!

Unable to get Liz’s words at all, Richie hung up, glancing at Eddie, who was staring at the screen, mouth agape. His eyes met Richie’s, and they stood still for a solid minute, looking at each other quietly. Then, suddenly, they both threw themselves on the ground, Richie being the quickest to do so and to scream, while Eddie was fumbling with his lightwriter:

“Marry me!”

Eddie stopped what he was doing, a gaze of pure disbelief on his face. He groaned, getting up and opening a nearby drawer, rummaging in it. He finally managed to get what he was looking for, shoving the small box in Richie’s face, letting out an annoyed groan:

“ _I planned it all! I planned it all, it’s not fair!”_

His lightwriter wasn’t able to convey his emotions, so he resorted to ASL, moving energetically, moaning and grunting, while Richie found himself smiling, smiling, until he was laughing, unable to stop himself from doing so:

_I bought the ring and all! And you’re proposing with nothing! Nothing! It doesn’t count!_

“Iiiiie!”

While Richie was trying really hard to control his laughter, Eddie grabbed his box back furiously, kneeling down aggressively and signing quickly:

_Richard Tozier, you’re the light of my existence, and I want to wear your name for the rest of our life. Will you marry me?_

It should have been sweet and incredibly romantic, but Eddie’s offensive behavior, almost hostile, turned what was supposed to be a thoughtful and cute wedding proposal into a declaration of war. Tears were rolling down Richie’s cheeks, his breathing ragged, while he was desperately trying to calm down. God, was Eddie really being _that_ competitive? Richie was going to die if he didn’t stop laughing soon enough!

Falling down on the ground in front of Eddie, Richie captured him in a hug, his brain fully catching up with what just happened. Eddie proposed to him. He… He really proposed to him.

“Yes. Yes, I will marry you, Eds.”

Richie was shaking, and he had the feeling that he was going to sob real soon if he didn’t do something… So, he leaned into his boyfriend’s ear, whispering to him:

“I still proposed first. I won.”

Eddie’s reaction was exactly the one he expected. Groaning exasperatedly, he immediately started to launch himself into a rant, signing so fast that Richie could barely keep up:

_No, I won! You don’t have a ring, your proposal was shitty, and you took advantage of my disability, you fucker! I should refuse your fucking wedding proposal on a technicality, I have every right for that! I…_

Richie was too overwhelmed by his feelings to pay attention to the rest of Eddie’s rant, his eyes watering yet again. He had to remind himself to call his parents to tell them the good news. God… God, he could barely believe it. He was going to marry Eddie.

His friend. His boyfriend. His partner. His fiance, his… husband. A choked out sob escaped his throat at the thought, interrupting Eddie in his rant. He raised an eyebrow, confused and worried, a surprised whine slipping past his lips when Richie grabbed him into a tight hug, sobbing loudly and uncontrollably on his shoulder.

Richie didn’t know how long he remained like this, a literal human mess. Eddie hugged him back immediately, whining part of his name repeatedly, caressing his back so gently, so tenderly. Fuck, Richie was probably snorting all over his poor shoulder, but Eddie didn’t move. He was there for him, waiting for his tears to dry, providing him the love and affection he always needed.

Eddie and Richie Tozier. Engaged. Soon to be married. Together, until death do them part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story ending on Eddie and Richie competing to be the first to propose was planned for quite a while, I think I started to think about it around the second installment. I thought that was just so "them", a weird proposal like no other.  
> This chapter allowed me to wrap it all up, moving forward in time (almost reaching the canon year of It Chapter 2, actually) and showing how far they all came, since the beginning of this story. 
> 
> I don't even know what to say at this point. It's just a lot to take in. Writing this fanfic allowed me to cope with this depressing year and I feel weird, thinking that I'm about to end it. Thankfully, I already planned to write about their wedding. Actually, I think I'm gonna open a new series, with prequels and sequels (you could even suggest prompts, on my Tumblr Reddie-4-more, if you want to :D). I also plan on writing other Reddie stories, but this one, I will miss it. It was just so personal...
> 
> Again, thank you all. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your kudos, your comments, how thoughtful and nice you all were. I feel so honored and humbled to have you as my readers. Thank you for your kindness, your understanding, everything.
> 
> Don't hesitate to comment if you feel like it. I'd love to have a chat with all of you. You can leave a kudos if you feel it. And... And I guess you don't need to subscribe anymore. Not to this story/series anyway.
> 
> I'll see you real soon for a new story. Thanks again for your support. Take care, have a nice day and see you later!


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